Oh ye gods.
Anyone who's encountered "Countess Chronicles" (unpleasant Sailor Moon torture-snuff, will provide link to MST if asked but don't want to look at it again right now) or "Eating Granger" (somewhere in the Harry Potter tags of wtffanfiction, equally gross) will know roughly what to expect here. Those with weak stomachs should turn back now.
Story Or Series Title: Jack.
Fandom: Over The Hedge. Yeah, the Dreamworks movie with the cute fluffy animals.
Culprit Author's Name: OrneryTexan, perpetrator of various other bad OTH fics.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jackson Simon, a.k.a. Jack or "Jack the Ripper".
Full Species(es): Marty Stu. Apparently human. Does "psychopath" count as species?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Undescribed, but "his bangs hanged to his chin and the rest reached to his back, he had a light beared".
Eye Color (include adjectives): "the same ice blue as RJ's".
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described.
Special Possessions (if any): Oh God. A refrigerator full of human organs and animal corpses. An Evil Animal Testing laboratory filled with torture implements, rusty surgical instruments, and various drugs. A closet full of dead women. And it goes on like this. Oh, he also owns a Bible.
Annoying Origin: Presumably the tenth circle. (Yes, I know there are only meant to be nine. This thing can't have come from the regular ones.)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: ... captures and tortures them in disgustingly graphic detail.
Annoying Special Abilities: Killing and torturing people and animals in horrible ways. Can also talk to animals.
Other Annoying Traits: Existing. And as if the killing and torturing people and animals wasn't enough, he's also apparently into bestiality. Yeah. What did the Hedgies do to deserve this?
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3386517/1/
Oh boy. Marty Stu Deville, a.k.a. Jack, captures and tortures the Hedgies for no readily apparent reason and with no readily apparent plot, in sickeningly graphic detail. The prose is annoyingly mechanical, yet not enough so to dull the disgust.
X-posted to a friendslocked post on wtffanfiction.
“Verne….do you mean the ones over there…”
RJ pointed to the opposite side of the forest, when he nodded, RJ went a deathly pale.
“NO….no, no, no, no, no, no…..no!”
Ozzie and Heather herd the loud “No’s” and ran over quick.
“What’s going on here?” said Ozzie in a worried tone.
Heather looked at RJ. “Are you feeling any better?”
He looked at the cuts, the blood already began to clot and the blood on his fur already flaked off.
“Yea, yea I’m fine but listen, we cannot, repeat, CANNOT go anywhere near that house!”
Ozzie and Heather gave each other a confused look.
“What house, and what’s so bad about it?”
“Haven’t any of you herd of the legend of Jack!?”
They all stared with blank faces, he should of known, they only knew about human civilization for only a few days.
He gathered everyone around the tree.
“Ok people, I’m about to tell you the story of Jackson Simon, or better known as Camelot Est. very own ‘Jack the Ripper’”
Quillo raised his hand.
“How come you know the story?”
“Because kid, I’ve been around a lot, and you start to know things….anyway, the story begins with a man named Jack, but he’s no ordinary human, I mean he’s insane, crazy, weird, he flew WAY past the funny farm, some say he was born crazy, others say he gradually went insane, but however you slice it, he’s a killer, and we will NOT go near their, NEVER EVER!!”
Most of them stared at him, then Bucky let out a loud “AWSOME!”
Why. Yes. How awesome. I'm just shaking. (/ end monotone) Sheesh, at least put a little life into the prose.
Of course, as it turns out, "Jack the Ripper" actually does exist, and they get captured on the next raid in a scene involving them opening a fridge to find it full of dead animals and body parts. This scene would be pretty cool. If, y'know, it wasn't in an Over The Hedge fic, and if the characters weren't innocent fluffy animals, and if it was written by someone who could actually write decent prose. The Hedgies are found by Jack and taken upstairs;
Most of them gagged at the wretched site,
You mean they've discovered what happens to them on ff.net?
but then they herd footsteps coming and they ran franticly trying to get out, then a person came to the kitchen and turned on the light, when they turned around they saw a young man who looked like he was in his early twenties, his bangs hanged to his chin and the rest reached to his back, he had a light beared and wore a tight stained white shirt with a pair of dirty blue jeans, his eyes were the same ice blue as RJ’s, he starred at the creatures with a surprise look, and then he smiled.
He jumped after them and they all ran screaming, he grabbed Hammy and RJ first, then Stella and Ozzie, with his hands full he grabbed a plastic bag that was on the kitchen table and scooped the rest up.
What? Come on. Seriously, the Hedgies are more than capable of fending off ONE unarmed human long enough to run. They took down the Verminator and managed to hold their own against a bear! At the very least, why are Stella's stink glands suddenly non-functioning? Why can't they even just bite him or something? Really, they may be small and cute but they're smarter than this.
Okay, so they end up in cages in Generic Eeeeeeeeeeevil Animal Testing Lab.
“Forget it, he cant understand us.” RJ said disappointed, but then he turned to them.
“On the contrary, I can understand you just fine.”
They all stared in amazement.
“You…you can understand us?” Verne said in disbelief.
“Yes, I realized my gift when I was younger, but I realized that I herd peoples screams for too long, and that animal screams are far more satisfying.”
Just in case we didn't realise that villains can be Marty Stus as well ...
The next chapter opens with a warning for bestiality, and when you see that you just KNOW it can only go downhill from there. I shall draw a veil over the gratuitous squick, except to say that unpleasant things are done to Heather the possum.
Next chapter, Jack reads the bit of Genesis (post Peter Gabriel, hehe) about man ruling over all the animals, mentions something about a woman who betrayed him, and reveals that he has a closet full of human corpses. Oh, I love the smell of slasher-movie cliche in the morning. Sadly, it doesn't smell like victory, only like vomit.
Suddenly, the story is interrupted by a random real-estate agent appearing at the door.
He walked into the kitchen and brewed some coffee; he paid no attention to her rambling and paid more attention to the coffee. As it was done he poured some in a cup but put a tiny silver orb into the coffee. He walked over and offered her the cup.
“Is there anyone else in with you?” she sipped the liquid, and out of curiosity she asked what flavor it was, Jack simply chuckled and said “Almond”.
“Anyway…is there.” she said feeling a little queasy, her vision became obscure and distorted.
“No…only you.”
Suddenly she started to gag violently and started vomiting, blood and gooey bile came pouring out her mouth until she dropped dead on the floor.
“What did you do to her!?” RJ said in a frightened and angry tone.
“Cyanide…simple as that, you know…that reminds me of some videos of mine.”
Okay, let me interrupt here to point out that I don't think cyanide does that. From Wikipedia;
Acute poisoning
Inhalation of high concentrations of cyanide causes a coma with seizures, apnea and cardiac arrest, with death following in a matter of minutes.
At lower doses, loss of consciousness may be preceded by general weakness, giddiness, headaches, vertigo, confusion, and perceived difficulty in breathing. At the first stages of unconsciousness, breathing is often sufficient or even rapid, although the state of the victim progresses towards a deep coma, sometimes accompanied by pulmonary edema, and finally cardiac arrest. Skin colour goes pink from high blood oxygen saturation.
Subacute poisoning
At doses insufficient to cause loss of consciousness, the symptoms can also include faintness, drowsiness, anxiety and excitement. Dizziness, nausea, vomiting and sweating are common.
Since she had one sudden fatal dose, that would make it acute poisoning. Therefore, she'd have a seizure and/or heart attack, and breathing trouble. Nothing in there about vomiting blood, as was so luridly and unnecessarily described. Points for getting the taste right, though, but cyanide smelling/tasting of almonds is more or less common knowledge in anyone who reads crime fiction.
Jack hangs the corpse from meathooks in another unnecessarily gruesome scene, then shows the Hedgies his home-made snuff films.
A grown man wearing a bloodstained suit was chained to a chair, except one hand was free.
“Tell you what, if you take this gun to your head and fire, I’ll save you the suffering of a more disturbing death I have planned for you.”
Jack handed him a Desert Eagle pistol in his hand.
“N-no…no, come on I’ve got a wife and kids, PLEASE.” he threw the gun across the room which infuriated Jack, he walked over and picked up the gun.”
“Fucking people, can’t do shit for themselves.”
“NO!” but Jack fired the gun as a gung of blood shot out of his head and splattered onto the wall behind him and on the floor.
Okay ... so he threatened him with a "more disturbing death", but then just shot him? What a fucking cop-out.
No, wait. Why am I asking for MORE unnecessary gore?
Anyway, what's a "gung"?
The video came out, he looked at everyone who was pale and shivering.
So am I.
“Aw come on, they weren’t THAT bad, I thought the quality was good overall, sure it was a bit fuzzy but COME ON!” he slammed his hands on the table startling them, he then he grabbed out Hammy.
“I had my eye on you, you were my favorite from the start.”
He fondled him the same way he did Heather, and gave deep sighs, he then threw him on the dissecting table.
“Don’t worry…I won’t do much.”
Mercifully it ends at this point.
Words fail me as to exactly how sick this thing is. Why would anyone write this? And then why would anyone read it? I didn't dare look at the reviews, but odds are there are good ones or the writer wouldn't have continued after the first chapter. Excuse me while I go scrape my faith in humanity off the floor.
I'm sorely tempted to PPC this thing and end it by giving Marty Stu Deville over to a certain webcomic character who shares his name.
http://pholph.com/
Would certainly be poetic justice. Let him suffer at the hands of animals. "No, the giant green rabbit isn't actually going to do anything to you. His co-worker the giant blue rat, on the other hand ..."
Story Or Series Title: Jack.
Fandom: Over The Hedge. Yeah, the Dreamworks movie with the cute fluffy animals.
Culprit Author's Name: OrneryTexan, perpetrator of various other bad OTH fics.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jackson Simon, a.k.a. Jack or "Jack the Ripper".
Full Species(es): Marty Stu. Apparently human. Does "psychopath" count as species?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Undescribed, but "his bangs hanged to his chin and the rest reached to his back, he had a light beared".
Eye Color (include adjectives): "the same ice blue as RJ's".
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None described.
Special Possessions (if any): Oh God. A refrigerator full of human organs and animal corpses. An Evil Animal Testing laboratory filled with torture implements, rusty surgical instruments, and various drugs. A closet full of dead women. And it goes on like this. Oh, he also owns a Bible.
Annoying Origin: Presumably the tenth circle. (Yes, I know there are only meant to be nine. This thing can't have come from the regular ones.)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: ... captures and tortures them in disgustingly graphic detail.
Annoying Special Abilities: Killing and torturing people and animals in horrible ways. Can also talk to animals.
Other Annoying Traits: Existing. And as if the killing and torturing people and animals wasn't enough, he's also apparently into bestiality. Yeah. What did the Hedgies do to deserve this?
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3386517/1/
Oh boy. Marty Stu Deville, a.k.a. Jack, captures and tortures the Hedgies for no readily apparent reason and with no readily apparent plot, in sickeningly graphic detail. The prose is annoyingly mechanical, yet not enough so to dull the disgust.
X-posted to a friendslocked post on wtffanfiction.
“Verne….do you mean the ones over there…”
RJ pointed to the opposite side of the forest, when he nodded, RJ went a deathly pale.
“NO….no, no, no, no, no, no…..no!”
Ozzie and Heather herd the loud “No’s” and ran over quick.
“What’s going on here?” said Ozzie in a worried tone.
Heather looked at RJ. “Are you feeling any better?”
He looked at the cuts, the blood already began to clot and the blood on his fur already flaked off.
“Yea, yea I’m fine but listen, we cannot, repeat, CANNOT go anywhere near that house!”
Ozzie and Heather gave each other a confused look.
“What house, and what’s so bad about it?”
“Haven’t any of you herd of the legend of Jack!?”
They all stared with blank faces, he should of known, they only knew about human civilization for only a few days.
He gathered everyone around the tree.
“Ok people, I’m about to tell you the story of Jackson Simon, or better known as Camelot Est. very own ‘Jack the Ripper’”
Quillo raised his hand.
“How come you know the story?”
“Because kid, I’ve been around a lot, and you start to know things….anyway, the story begins with a man named Jack, but he’s no ordinary human, I mean he’s insane, crazy, weird, he flew WAY past the funny farm, some say he was born crazy, others say he gradually went insane, but however you slice it, he’s a killer, and we will NOT go near their, NEVER EVER!!”
Most of them stared at him, then Bucky let out a loud “AWSOME!”
Why. Yes. How awesome. I'm just shaking. (/ end monotone) Sheesh, at least put a little life into the prose.
Of course, as it turns out, "Jack the Ripper" actually does exist, and they get captured on the next raid in a scene involving them opening a fridge to find it full of dead animals and body parts. This scene would be pretty cool. If, y'know, it wasn't in an Over The Hedge fic, and if the characters weren't innocent fluffy animals, and if it was written by someone who could actually write decent prose. The Hedgies are found by Jack and taken upstairs;
Most of them gagged at the wretched site,
You mean they've discovered what happens to them on ff.net?
but then they herd footsteps coming and they ran franticly trying to get out, then a person came to the kitchen and turned on the light, when they turned around they saw a young man who looked like he was in his early twenties, his bangs hanged to his chin and the rest reached to his back, he had a light beared and wore a tight stained white shirt with a pair of dirty blue jeans, his eyes were the same ice blue as RJ’s, he starred at the creatures with a surprise look, and then he smiled.
He jumped after them and they all ran screaming, he grabbed Hammy and RJ first, then Stella and Ozzie, with his hands full he grabbed a plastic bag that was on the kitchen table and scooped the rest up.
What? Come on. Seriously, the Hedgies are more than capable of fending off ONE unarmed human long enough to run. They took down the Verminator and managed to hold their own against a bear! At the very least, why are Stella's stink glands suddenly non-functioning? Why can't they even just bite him or something? Really, they may be small and cute but they're smarter than this.
Okay, so they end up in cages in Generic Eeeeeeeeeeevil Animal Testing Lab.
“Forget it, he cant understand us.” RJ said disappointed, but then he turned to them.
“On the contrary, I can understand you just fine.”
They all stared in amazement.
“You…you can understand us?” Verne said in disbelief.
“Yes, I realized my gift when I was younger, but I realized that I herd peoples screams for too long, and that animal screams are far more satisfying.”
Just in case we didn't realise that villains can be Marty Stus as well ...
The next chapter opens with a warning for bestiality, and when you see that you just KNOW it can only go downhill from there. I shall draw a veil over the gratuitous squick, except to say that unpleasant things are done to Heather the possum.
Next chapter, Jack reads the bit of Genesis (post Peter Gabriel, hehe) about man ruling over all the animals, mentions something about a woman who betrayed him, and reveals that he has a closet full of human corpses. Oh, I love the smell of slasher-movie cliche in the morning. Sadly, it doesn't smell like victory, only like vomit.
Suddenly, the story is interrupted by a random real-estate agent appearing at the door.
He walked into the kitchen and brewed some coffee; he paid no attention to her rambling and paid more attention to the coffee. As it was done he poured some in a cup but put a tiny silver orb into the coffee. He walked over and offered her the cup.
“Is there anyone else in with you?” she sipped the liquid, and out of curiosity she asked what flavor it was, Jack simply chuckled and said “Almond”.
“Anyway…is there.” she said feeling a little queasy, her vision became obscure and distorted.
“No…only you.”
Suddenly she started to gag violently and started vomiting, blood and gooey bile came pouring out her mouth until she dropped dead on the floor.
“What did you do to her!?” RJ said in a frightened and angry tone.
“Cyanide…simple as that, you know…that reminds me of some videos of mine.”
Okay, let me interrupt here to point out that I don't think cyanide does that. From Wikipedia;
Acute poisoning
Inhalation of high concentrations of cyanide causes a coma with seizures, apnea and cardiac arrest, with death following in a matter of minutes.
At lower doses, loss of consciousness may be preceded by general weakness, giddiness, headaches, vertigo, confusion, and perceived difficulty in breathing. At the first stages of unconsciousness, breathing is often sufficient or even rapid, although the state of the victim progresses towards a deep coma, sometimes accompanied by pulmonary edema, and finally cardiac arrest. Skin colour goes pink from high blood oxygen saturation.
Subacute poisoning
At doses insufficient to cause loss of consciousness, the symptoms can also include faintness, drowsiness, anxiety and excitement. Dizziness, nausea, vomiting and sweating are common.
Since she had one sudden fatal dose, that would make it acute poisoning. Therefore, she'd have a seizure and/or heart attack, and breathing trouble. Nothing in there about vomiting blood, as was so luridly and unnecessarily described. Points for getting the taste right, though, but cyanide smelling/tasting of almonds is more or less common knowledge in anyone who reads crime fiction.
Jack hangs the corpse from meathooks in another unnecessarily gruesome scene, then shows the Hedgies his home-made snuff films.
A grown man wearing a bloodstained suit was chained to a chair, except one hand was free.
“Tell you what, if you take this gun to your head and fire, I’ll save you the suffering of a more disturbing death I have planned for you.”
Jack handed him a Desert Eagle pistol in his hand.
“N-no…no, come on I’ve got a wife and kids, PLEASE.” he threw the gun across the room which infuriated Jack, he walked over and picked up the gun.”
“Fucking people, can’t do shit for themselves.”
“NO!” but Jack fired the gun as a gung of blood shot out of his head and splattered onto the wall behind him and on the floor.
Okay ... so he threatened him with a "more disturbing death", but then just shot him? What a fucking cop-out.
No, wait. Why am I asking for MORE unnecessary gore?
Anyway, what's a "gung"?
The video came out, he looked at everyone who was pale and shivering.
So am I.
“Aw come on, they weren’t THAT bad, I thought the quality was good overall, sure it was a bit fuzzy but COME ON!” he slammed his hands on the table startling them, he then he grabbed out Hammy.
“I had my eye on you, you were my favorite from the start.”
He fondled him the same way he did Heather, and gave deep sighs, he then threw him on the dissecting table.
“Don’t worry…I won’t do much.”
Mercifully it ends at this point.
Words fail me as to exactly how sick this thing is. Why would anyone write this? And then why would anyone read it? I didn't dare look at the reviews, but odds are there are good ones or the writer wouldn't have continued after the first chapter. Excuse me while I go scrape my faith in humanity off the floor.
I'm sorely tempted to PPC this thing and end it by giving Marty Stu Deville over to a certain webcomic character who shares his name.
http://pholph.com/
Would certainly be poetic justice. Let him suffer at the hands of animals. "No, the giant green rabbit isn't actually going to do anything to you. His co-worker the giant blue rat, on the other hand ..."