Comments | mary_j_59: concrit, anyone? ( a work in progress)

mary_j_59

concrit, anyone? ( a work in progress)

Aug 17, 2007 00:39

This is the first part of an original fic I've had in mind for some time. David, if you're still checking in, I'd be glad to hear how you like it. Of course, everyone else is very welcome to comment, too ( Read more... )

science fiction, kiril, original fiction, honor, thanike

Comments 18

anonymous August 18 2007, 01:05:15 UTC

Wow -- this is awesome -- but what happens next?? Enquiring minds want to know...

WAY to short, imo.

:-D (it's Deirdre, of course!)

mary_j_59 August 19 2007, 01:16:27 UTC

Thanks, Deirdre! It will take me awhile, but I have an idea of what happens next - will keep you posted. I'm very glad you liked it.

M (grrl 1)

Mistake? anonymous August 20 2007, 18:17:45 UTC

I just noticed something -- isn't SHE looking into HIS eyes as SHE spoke?

That's how I read it it first, but then I saw that the words didn't say that... is it a typo?

Re: Mistake? mary_j_59 August 20 2007, 19:34:18 UTC

Eek! I looked again, and you're quite right! I'll fix it - that's what you get for writing stories at 1:00 in the morning!

(Is this Deirdre again, btw?)

Good so far: Will it continue wildgirl116 August 23 2007, 04:12:48 UTC

This seems like the beginning to a great story, because it hints at so many things without giving any concrete answers. We are told only that these children are renouncing their families in order to protect them, because the children will become criminals. That in and of itself is intriguing, and you have a great, very descriptive writing style which makes it entertaining to read. You've really got something here, and you should keep going with it!

Re: Good so far: Will it continue mary_j_59 August 23 2007, 14:30:03 UTC

Thank you! And I will definitely keep going, but it may take me awhile - I am a slow writer, and am finishing up a short story (part of the "Christopher" series) right now. I've also got a final Snape essay nagging at me, begging to be written, and a couple of other projects as well, but I *am* going to continue with this. It's been in my head and my heart for many years now, and I'm really happy to have started. :)

I've never written a novel, though, so the prospect is a bit scary; it's like starting to climb a very high mountain without knowing quite what's ahead of you! But I know who these kids are and (more or less) how they got to this situation, and where the story's going in the immediate future. That's enough to start with, isn't it? The only way I know to tell a story, I'm afraid, is to follow it along and see where it takes me - and, believe it or not, even in this short intro, there have already been a couple of surprises!

Thanks again for commenting. It's very encouraging. And there will be more! It might take awhile, ( ... )

Write wildgirl116 August 31 2007, 23:51:42 UTC

Hi- it's dave- I like it so far. Keep going!!!!! Suggestion: this should be the first page of the novel, not a prologue. Then you can go back to where the narrative starts from. That will help to capture the readers at the beginning of the book.

O, by the way, I've written the first part of my novel. THe parts I outlined are all written out. It's 100 pages. if you want to read it just pop me an e-mail

_dave

Re: Write mary_j_59 September 1 2007, 03:07:11 UTC

Yes! Yes1 I want to read it! Will email you in case you're not checking this site. (And I can't believe you managed to write so much while getting ready for college - well, I told you I was slow!)

I will be getting back to this one after I come back from vacation in a week or two. Probably I'll tackle the short story and essay first, and then I'll try to really focus on this one. Will keep you posted; thanks for the encouragement!

anne_arthur September 9 2007, 18:58:36 UTC

This is excellent - I like sci-fi, and this really arouses my curiosity, both about how they got into this situation and about what will happen next. I agree with Dave above, that this should be the beginning of the story, not the prologue. Otherwise - please post more, when you have it.

mary_j_59 September 10 2007, 02:55:56 UTC

Thanks so much, Anne! Before you and David commented, it had never occurred to me that people might not read this if it were a prologue - I always read prologues, but I guess other people don't! So I'll change that.

Am just back from Maine tonight, and am eager to get writing again, but, as I said, it'll take me awhile to get back to this one. If you want a little more, you could go back to the character sketch I did some months ago - it was a prep for this.

BTW, I think I told you I have the button ready to send? Could you email me privately and let me know where to send it?

Thanks again for the encouragement. I am turning various ways to proceed around in my mind and looking at them; we'll be plunging 10 or 12 years back in time and then working forward to this point and beyond. I'll keep you posted. )

sylvanawood September 20 2007, 15:48:56 UTC

Oh, this is interesting! I want to read more! Do you mind if I friend you?

mary_j_59 September 20 2007, 17:48:34 UTC

Certainly you may friend me! I will do the same. And thanks for the encouragement. Am still at work on my final Snape essay, which I do intend to post to Snapedom as well as here - then I will get back to this. Because I do hope to publish it one day, I'm not sure how much I can or should post online, but I'll try to put up the next section, at any rate. Please be patient, though - it may take awhile for me to get to it. But I'm going to keep going!

sylvanawood September 21 2007, 13:49:08 UTC

I actually came here to look for your Michael Griffin story and then I found this. If you want to publish it, a few teasers should be enough for us. :)

mary_j_59 September 22 2007, 02:21:01 UTC

Thanks! In any case, I'm very glad everyone likes it. You know what got me to finally set it down? I'd been criticizing DH on some board, and someone said to me, "If you know so much, go and write something better." So I thought, what the heck? These characters have been in my head for twenty years, and I have a story - I think. Why not try ( ... )

Thread 5

arkan2 July 29 2009, 22:02:15 UTC

Looks pretty good. The tension's there right from the start, you've already begun the worldbuilding, and I can just tell that we're in for something original.

In deference to your request, I won't critique now. (You're absolutely right: get it finished first. Then polish it. Then show the polished copy around and get editorial suggestions from friends/fellow writers.)

So I'll just comment that when I read "All of us serve the emperor," in Chapter 1, I immediately think "main villain." Make of that what you will.

mary_j_59 October 4 2009, 02:58:25 UTC

Thanks for reading, and thanks also, for not training the critical guns on me right away! (and I do apologize for not getting back to you sooner.)

But - you are wrong about the emperor. We never even meet the emperor. It's not quite that predictable - I hope!

arkan2 October 5 2009, 14:30:10 UTC

(No problem, I wasn't really expecting an answer.)

This is one of those cases when I'm happy to be wrong. I just thought you should know that when experienced fantasy buffs hear allusions to "the emperor" (and probably "the king"), that thought will be in our minds because it's the cliche fantasy thing to do. You might, if you wanted, play up this "emperor" character as a red herring for your readers - or not, as you see fit.