Malex Backlog : Fanfiction : "Jealousy's soft spoken" NC-17
Date originally posted: Jun 17th 2006
Title: Jealousy's soft spoken
Author: Amie aka Smutty_Puppy
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my sometimes twisted and always perverted imagination. And a whole lot of CD's that are my inspiration.
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Sex, profanity, confusion
Summary: Ok, well here's the thing. I don't actually know myself the summary of this. I just wrote it, and it's not as long as my other oneshots, just seven pages. Which is probably a good thing. Ok, hmmn let me think.. I guess it's not that depressing, it's not really anything, just a big bunch of confusing shit I guess. Hmmn.. well, Alex does Marissa a favour I guess. Oh I dunno.. read and one will see, I think.. maybe? Just, feedback and let me know what you think, make me aware of your confusion and i'll try and fix it..
Jealousy's soft spoken
Your hands grip the bed sheets, fists clenching to withstand the pleasure you feel rising from the core of your being.
The crisp white of the freshly washed cotton, contrasts violently with the sensual glow of your evenly tanned skin.
The slight sheen of sweat covering your body creates a completely different sensation to my fingers from the blankets, and I shudder slightly as I readjust myself. Lifting my palms from where they were previously pressed into the rough material beside you.
This shift in balance causes my body to rest slightly heavier on yours, the feeling is amazing to me. At hearing you grunt in response, I arch my back, resting my weight on my forearms.
Our stomachs are pressed together, our legs intertwined beneath the sheets. It’s hard to decide where I end and you begin, but that’s just the way I’ve always wanted things to be.
I don’t know what this has ever been for you, but for me, each fiery kiss, every dominant touch is nothing but a lie.
A façade I struggle to keep intact. Because the truth could cause more problems than any untruth ever could for us.
But of course, honesty is the best policy.
So to be honest, I am completely in love with you.
I have been for a long time.
So I fuck you, I hold you down beneath me, pinning your wrists to the bed below so you’re forced to lay unmoving.
I fuck you every night, just so you’ll never discover the tenderness I hold for you within me.
Because what I crave the most, is to take you in my arms and make love to you whilst pledging my eternal adoration.
And you can never know that.
This time is no different.
I take a brief second to look into your eyes, careful not to let my gaze linger too long. I’ve done everything I can not to raise your suspicions.
I notice that your eyes are glazed over. I’ve seen this expression so many times before.
I know that you’re not with me.
You’re in another place, your mind conjuring images to replace the picture of me that you would see if you focused your eyes for a second.
But you don’t want to see me.
I wonder for a moment who you envision fucking you, who’s face conceals my touch.
“Ryan”, you mumble under your breath.
I wince slightly, but luckily your eyes are still closed.
Again, this is nothing new. It hurts that you’re obviously thinking of your boyfriend as I bring you to the heights of pleasure.
I should be offended.
But I know the deal.
I know that you’re with him and that you’re happy.
I know that all I am to you in a way for sexual release.
And I’m fine with that, because I know that no matter how deeply I fall in love with you, I’ll never have you completely in the way that I want. I’ll never have your heart.
But I can have your body. And I’m not going to deny the chance to show you how beautiful you really are.
I don’t know what makes you come to me, but I’m grateful. Clearly Ryan can’t satisfy all of your needs.
I used to be jealous of Ryan when I first moved to town. I would watch him, taking advantage of what he undeservingly had.
I never really could understand what you saw in him.
But life is what you make it, and you continue to choose him over me.
Well I guess there’s not even really a choice to make, because I’m not showing you any signs that I would want to be with you outside of this arrangement that we have.
I’m doing it for you though, I know how I feel about you, but I refuse to add more complications to your already confusing life by telling you that I love you.
So I go on, letting Ryan have you by day, and compensating for what he lacks at night.
Like I said, I used to be jealous.
However, jealousy is soft spoken, it always has been for me.
What’s the point of ranting and raving when it’s not gonna get you anywhere? Why break your own heart fighting for a lost cause?
So you have to simply go about things quietly. Play it cool and you’ll eventually get what you’ve been pining for.
Even if they’re never truly yours.
We’ve been doing this for a month. You go to school during the day, completing inane tasks and socialising with your friends.
Night falls and you allow your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend to consume you. You go on dates with him, or sometimes you stay at home, allowing his unworthy hands to trail your body as he suffocates you with his sickening kisses.
Then when he leaves you, and you’re sure that no-one will realise you’re gone, you come to me.
It’s always the early hours of the morning when you show up, 1am, sometimes two.
You come almost every night, knocking quietly on the door, ringing my cell phone, waking me from my dreams that consist of you.
When this thing started I would be sleeping almost every night, now I just lie awake and wait for you.
No words would be spoken, you’d simply embrace me softly before placing gentle kisses along my neck.
At first I tried to resist, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted you since the first moment I saw you.
The kisses would become more heated, and before we were both aware of it, we’d stumble to my bedroom. Falling to the bed in a mass of tangled limbs.
You’d think that after all this time, wordless screwing sessions would become slightly boring, but on the contrary, it only gets more endearing every time I taste you on my lips.
I feel myself come alive when I touch you where you most desperately want me to, I feel your wetness and it excites me knowing that I am the one that brought you to your current state.
But it’s not me.
In your head, it’s Ryan.
Ryan doing what he can’t do in the real world.
I don’t really understand how you can think it’s Ryan fucking you. I mean, come on I don’t have a fucking dick for starters!
You must have one hell of an imagination.
And then you do something that surprises me, your right hand cups my cheek softly before it starts trailing lower.
I raise my gaze from where I had been staring vacantly at your lips, watching quizzically as you just show me the hint of a smile.
Your palms slide down over my shoulder blades, and I realise that your eyes are no longer unfocused.
I gasp when I look into your eyes, they’re so beautiful. Not quite blue, not quite green.
They’re just, you.
Then I realise it.
You’re seeing me.
You’re looking right into my eyes, you know that I’m here with you.
Smiling slightly back, I lean forward and bring our lips together.
The kiss starts hungrily, as all the others have been, but I’m shocked to feel you slowing us down.
It becomes tender, something that I’ve tried so hard to keep buried from you.
I don’t understand what’s happening, but you seem to want it so I go along.
The hand that has long since been forgotten on my lower back begins moving again.
You’ve never acknowledged me as I pleasured you before, let alone touched me!
But there’s no way in hell that I’m gonna complain and risk ending this.
In the past you’d just lie limp, slightly stiff as if you were afraid to feel something that wasn’t Ryan.
Something feminine.
But now, your hand is softly tickling at my sides, playing over my hipbone before you seem to come to some sort of decision.
I barely have time to react before your long fingers have passed quickly over my stomach and have entered me gently.
You gasp suddenly, and I don’t know if it’s from the shock of what you’ve just done, or the feel of how wet I am for you.
The feeling of being inside another woman.
I can’t say anything as you stare at me curiously.
I don’t know what’s more unnerving, your vacant eyes as you cum, or your questioning eyes boring into my own, as if searching for some kind of great secret.
A secret, that even in my vulnerable state, I won’t give up.
Your fingers don’t move, you simply lay below me, watching me.
I can’t take the torture, I have to regain control.
Shifting so that I’m lying half to the side of you, I stroke my fingers down over your body. Watching as your eyes stay transfixed to my own the whole time.
Placing a gentle kiss on your slack mouth, I slip two fingers inside of you.
I mock you, ignoring the slight moan and thrust of your hips. I sit, unmoving, awaiting your next move.
“How long?” You ask me, and I shake my head in confusion.
“What?” I ask, genuinely perplexed and not in the best frame of mind to answer such open ended questions.
“How long, have you been in love, with me?” Your voice is so hesitant, it’s almost as if you’re afraid of hearing the answer.
But not as afraid as I am to give you the answer that you deserve.
I’m too stubborn for that.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I try the innocent approach. Don’t know why, it never seems to work.
“Don’t lie”, you sigh. I feel your fingers moving a little and I groan loudly.
“How long?” You ask again.
I chance a look into her eyes again, and I see nothing but understanding.
“Forever”. I whisper.
I’m ashamed of my weakness, of my inability to deny you anything.
“I love you,” you exhale and immediately start thrusting your fingers deep within me.
I don’t know why you said it, maybe you just thought it was time to pay me back for all the sexual favours I’d been doing for you. To fulfil my greatest fantasy.
I don’t give a shit.
I match your pace, my fingers leaving your body and entering just as quickly.
“God, Alex”. You moan, and I can’t help but be taken aback. You will never have any idea how good it sounds for my name to come from you like that.
I crash my lips to yours, groaning deep in my throat as for once, I feel you completely reciprocating the kiss.
I can actually feel you.
“Marissa”. I breathe out as pleasure engulfs me completely.
My eyes close on their own free will, and I feel you stiffen in my arms.
Opening them once more, I’m surprised to see confused brown eyes staring back at me instead of the mesmerizing grey ones that I was just staring into a few moments ago.
For a second I’m lost, wondering where the hell my lover disappeared to.
But then, like a ton of bricks, realisation dawns on me and I feel physically sick.
I push the girl off of me and yell at her to leave.
I’m completely uninhibited and probably very scary.
My friends called me unhinged before they disowned me.
She scrambles to gather her clothes, dressing before practically running from my apartment.
This always happens.
She must think I’m insane.
Hell, I think I’m insane.
It’s been 3 months since I lost you, since you crossed over from this world to somewhere else.
Since you were stolen away from me.
Since then I haven’t been me, I simply exist. Going from one girl to the next, trying to move on with my life.
But nothing works.
It always gets to the point where they touch me, and I close my eyes, and when I re-open them, they’re some stranger staring back at me.
I used to be offended when you envisioned Ryan instead of me, it confused me how you could block out the sensation of me and feel him.
But now I know, it’s easy to have one hell of an imagination.
So once again, I’m left lying broken on my bed. The same bed that we once inhabited on those nights where you would come to me.
I can’t do anything else except stare into the distance blankly.
Pulling my legs up to my naked chest, I lower my head and allow the tears to fall.
Since you left I’ve become so fucked up.
I can’t control my actions anymore, I’m not even aware of them.
I see you, I feel you, in my dreams, when I’m awake. I’m consumed by you even though you’re not here anymore.
Everyone else has moved on, but I can’t.
I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this.
How can I when I am forever haunted by you.
The End
Title: Jealousy's soft spoken
Author: Amie aka Smutty_Puppy
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my sometimes twisted and always perverted imagination. And a whole lot of CD's that are my inspiration.
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Sex, profanity, confusion
Summary: Ok, well here's the thing. I don't actually know myself the summary of this. I just wrote it, and it's not as long as my other oneshots, just seven pages. Which is probably a good thing. Ok, hmmn let me think.. I guess it's not that depressing, it's not really anything, just a big bunch of confusing shit I guess. Hmmn.. well, Alex does Marissa a favour I guess. Oh I dunno.. read and one will see, I think.. maybe? Just, feedback and let me know what you think, make me aware of your confusion and i'll try and fix it..
Jealousy's soft spoken
Your hands grip the bed sheets, fists clenching to withstand the pleasure you feel rising from the core of your being.
The crisp white of the freshly washed cotton, contrasts violently with the sensual glow of your evenly tanned skin.
The slight sheen of sweat covering your body creates a completely different sensation to my fingers from the blankets, and I shudder slightly as I readjust myself. Lifting my palms from where they were previously pressed into the rough material beside you.
This shift in balance causes my body to rest slightly heavier on yours, the feeling is amazing to me. At hearing you grunt in response, I arch my back, resting my weight on my forearms.
Our stomachs are pressed together, our legs intertwined beneath the sheets. It’s hard to decide where I end and you begin, but that’s just the way I’ve always wanted things to be.
I don’t know what this has ever been for you, but for me, each fiery kiss, every dominant touch is nothing but a lie.
A façade I struggle to keep intact. Because the truth could cause more problems than any untruth ever could for us.
But of course, honesty is the best policy.
So to be honest, I am completely in love with you.
I have been for a long time.
So I fuck you, I hold you down beneath me, pinning your wrists to the bed below so you’re forced to lay unmoving.
I fuck you every night, just so you’ll never discover the tenderness I hold for you within me.
Because what I crave the most, is to take you in my arms and make love to you whilst pledging my eternal adoration.
And you can never know that.
This time is no different.
I take a brief second to look into your eyes, careful not to let my gaze linger too long. I’ve done everything I can not to raise your suspicions.
I notice that your eyes are glazed over. I’ve seen this expression so many times before.
I know that you’re not with me.
You’re in another place, your mind conjuring images to replace the picture of me that you would see if you focused your eyes for a second.
But you don’t want to see me.
I wonder for a moment who you envision fucking you, who’s face conceals my touch.
“Ryan”, you mumble under your breath.
I wince slightly, but luckily your eyes are still closed.
Again, this is nothing new. It hurts that you’re obviously thinking of your boyfriend as I bring you to the heights of pleasure.
I should be offended.
But I know the deal.
I know that you’re with him and that you’re happy.
I know that all I am to you in a way for sexual release.
And I’m fine with that, because I know that no matter how deeply I fall in love with you, I’ll never have you completely in the way that I want. I’ll never have your heart.
But I can have your body. And I’m not going to deny the chance to show you how beautiful you really are.
I don’t know what makes you come to me, but I’m grateful. Clearly Ryan can’t satisfy all of your needs.
I used to be jealous of Ryan when I first moved to town. I would watch him, taking advantage of what he undeservingly had.
I never really could understand what you saw in him.
But life is what you make it, and you continue to choose him over me.
Well I guess there’s not even really a choice to make, because I’m not showing you any signs that I would want to be with you outside of this arrangement that we have.
I’m doing it for you though, I know how I feel about you, but I refuse to add more complications to your already confusing life by telling you that I love you.
So I go on, letting Ryan have you by day, and compensating for what he lacks at night.
Like I said, I used to be jealous.
However, jealousy is soft spoken, it always has been for me.
What’s the point of ranting and raving when it’s not gonna get you anywhere? Why break your own heart fighting for a lost cause?
So you have to simply go about things quietly. Play it cool and you’ll eventually get what you’ve been pining for.
Even if they’re never truly yours.
We’ve been doing this for a month. You go to school during the day, completing inane tasks and socialising with your friends.
Night falls and you allow your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend to consume you. You go on dates with him, or sometimes you stay at home, allowing his unworthy hands to trail your body as he suffocates you with his sickening kisses.
Then when he leaves you, and you’re sure that no-one will realise you’re gone, you come to me.
It’s always the early hours of the morning when you show up, 1am, sometimes two.
You come almost every night, knocking quietly on the door, ringing my cell phone, waking me from my dreams that consist of you.
When this thing started I would be sleeping almost every night, now I just lie awake and wait for you.
No words would be spoken, you’d simply embrace me softly before placing gentle kisses along my neck.
At first I tried to resist, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted you since the first moment I saw you.
The kisses would become more heated, and before we were both aware of it, we’d stumble to my bedroom. Falling to the bed in a mass of tangled limbs.
You’d think that after all this time, wordless screwing sessions would become slightly boring, but on the contrary, it only gets more endearing every time I taste you on my lips.
I feel myself come alive when I touch you where you most desperately want me to, I feel your wetness and it excites me knowing that I am the one that brought you to your current state.
But it’s not me.
In your head, it’s Ryan.
Ryan doing what he can’t do in the real world.
I don’t really understand how you can think it’s Ryan fucking you. I mean, come on I don’t have a fucking dick for starters!
You must have one hell of an imagination.
And then you do something that surprises me, your right hand cups my cheek softly before it starts trailing lower.
I raise my gaze from where I had been staring vacantly at your lips, watching quizzically as you just show me the hint of a smile.
Your palms slide down over my shoulder blades, and I realise that your eyes are no longer unfocused.
I gasp when I look into your eyes, they’re so beautiful. Not quite blue, not quite green.
They’re just, you.
Then I realise it.
You’re seeing me.
You’re looking right into my eyes, you know that I’m here with you.
Smiling slightly back, I lean forward and bring our lips together.
The kiss starts hungrily, as all the others have been, but I’m shocked to feel you slowing us down.
It becomes tender, something that I’ve tried so hard to keep buried from you.
I don’t understand what’s happening, but you seem to want it so I go along.
The hand that has long since been forgotten on my lower back begins moving again.
You’ve never acknowledged me as I pleasured you before, let alone touched me!
But there’s no way in hell that I’m gonna complain and risk ending this.
In the past you’d just lie limp, slightly stiff as if you were afraid to feel something that wasn’t Ryan.
Something feminine.
But now, your hand is softly tickling at my sides, playing over my hipbone before you seem to come to some sort of decision.
I barely have time to react before your long fingers have passed quickly over my stomach and have entered me gently.
You gasp suddenly, and I don’t know if it’s from the shock of what you’ve just done, or the feel of how wet I am for you.
The feeling of being inside another woman.
I can’t say anything as you stare at me curiously.
I don’t know what’s more unnerving, your vacant eyes as you cum, or your questioning eyes boring into my own, as if searching for some kind of great secret.
A secret, that even in my vulnerable state, I won’t give up.
Your fingers don’t move, you simply lay below me, watching me.
I can’t take the torture, I have to regain control.
Shifting so that I’m lying half to the side of you, I stroke my fingers down over your body. Watching as your eyes stay transfixed to my own the whole time.
Placing a gentle kiss on your slack mouth, I slip two fingers inside of you.
I mock you, ignoring the slight moan and thrust of your hips. I sit, unmoving, awaiting your next move.
“How long?” You ask me, and I shake my head in confusion.
“What?” I ask, genuinely perplexed and not in the best frame of mind to answer such open ended questions.
“How long, have you been in love, with me?” Your voice is so hesitant, it’s almost as if you’re afraid of hearing the answer.
But not as afraid as I am to give you the answer that you deserve.
I’m too stubborn for that.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I try the innocent approach. Don’t know why, it never seems to work.
“Don’t lie”, you sigh. I feel your fingers moving a little and I groan loudly.
“How long?” You ask again.
I chance a look into her eyes again, and I see nothing but understanding.
“Forever”. I whisper.
I’m ashamed of my weakness, of my inability to deny you anything.
“I love you,” you exhale and immediately start thrusting your fingers deep within me.
I don’t know why you said it, maybe you just thought it was time to pay me back for all the sexual favours I’d been doing for you. To fulfil my greatest fantasy.
I don’t give a shit.
I match your pace, my fingers leaving your body and entering just as quickly.
“God, Alex”. You moan, and I can’t help but be taken aback. You will never have any idea how good it sounds for my name to come from you like that.
I crash my lips to yours, groaning deep in my throat as for once, I feel you completely reciprocating the kiss.
I can actually feel you.
“Marissa”. I breathe out as pleasure engulfs me completely.
My eyes close on their own free will, and I feel you stiffen in my arms.
Opening them once more, I’m surprised to see confused brown eyes staring back at me instead of the mesmerizing grey ones that I was just staring into a few moments ago.
For a second I’m lost, wondering where the hell my lover disappeared to.
But then, like a ton of bricks, realisation dawns on me and I feel physically sick.
I push the girl off of me and yell at her to leave.
I’m completely uninhibited and probably very scary.
My friends called me unhinged before they disowned me.
She scrambles to gather her clothes, dressing before practically running from my apartment.
This always happens.
She must think I’m insane.
Hell, I think I’m insane.
It’s been 3 months since I lost you, since you crossed over from this world to somewhere else.
Since you were stolen away from me.
Since then I haven’t been me, I simply exist. Going from one girl to the next, trying to move on with my life.
But nothing works.
It always gets to the point where they touch me, and I close my eyes, and when I re-open them, they’re some stranger staring back at me.
I used to be offended when you envisioned Ryan instead of me, it confused me how you could block out the sensation of me and feel him.
But now I know, it’s easy to have one hell of an imagination.
So once again, I’m left lying broken on my bed. The same bed that we once inhabited on those nights where you would come to me.
I can’t do anything else except stare into the distance blankly.
Pulling my legs up to my naked chest, I lower my head and allow the tears to fall.
Since you left I’ve become so fucked up.
I can’t control my actions anymore, I’m not even aware of them.
I see you, I feel you, in my dreams, when I’m awake. I’m consumed by you even though you’re not here anymore.
Everyone else has moved on, but I can’t.
I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this.
How can I when I am forever haunted by you.
The End