((Essay: Rin and Hatsuharu, circa 03/06/07))
To tell the truth, I've always viewed essays as fun to write once you get into them, but completely intimidating to start. I feel like my word choices are repetitive, my paragraphs too small, my language rather stilted, and then there's the nagging worry that NO ONE CARES. I always feel awkward and self-conscious when I post them- Does my logic make sense? Is it IC? Is anyone reading this? In the end, I usually run screaming, thus assuring Tomo's title as Essay Queen remains secure in her loving hands. But every so often, I'll feel compelled to essay anyhow, because the urge to get my thoughts and reasoning written down outweighs my paranoia about boring people. This is one of those times.
Rin is madly in love with Hatsuharu, and has no interest in dating or becoming otherwise involved with anyone else. This will never, ever change. But even when they were dating, Rin had a difficult time envisioning a future together- which is in part because she has a difficult time thinking of the future outside of abstract ideas, and in part because she has no faith in her ability to hold onto a good thing. She strongly believes that although she would LIKE to be a good person, she is not one. Every little bit of happiness that Rin has had in her life ended with her being alone once again, and she feels that it's her fault. She sees no reason for this trend to end.
What Rin wants more than anything else in the world is for Haru to be happy. To her, breaking up a second time has proven that his happiness does not lie with her. And yes, she does find that severely depressing, because despite all of her self-doubts, she does want to be with him. He's kind to her, makes her happy, makes her feel good about herself. When she's with Haru, she feels safe and warm, loved and wanted. As far as she's concerned, Haru represents "home", infinitely moreso than the places she's lived.
When Haru told Rin on Valentine's Day that he still loves her, she believed him, and she still does, even though she thinks that he doesn't want to be WITH her anymore. However, because she believes him, she knows he wouldn't be happy if he knew how truly miserable she feels. Or worse yet, he might begin to pity her, and she finds that idea horrifying and completely repellent. So she thinks that the best way to make sure he doesn't worry about her is to act like she's fine, to not let him know how entirely depressed and lonely she really is.
To that extent, one of the major reasons she left Boy's Cabin 7 even though she enjoyed living there was to move on. (Which isn't to say that she lied to anyone about her reasons for moving, just that she didn't tell them the whole truth.) The way she figures it, continuing to sleep with Haru after they had broken up was a weakness on her part, taking advantage of his continuing kindness and indulging in her feelings for him although they were now supposed to be apart. No one, least of all Haru, was going to believe she was doing "fine" so long as she continued to stay. Besides, she doesn't like the idea of clinging to others and not standing on her own. It had been fine when they were dating to cling a little bit because he had said he was okay with it, but she views their breakup in part as a tacit agreement on both of their parts that it's no longer okay.
So she began looking for another place to live, and jumped on the opportunity that Ayame and Shigure provided to her. She's determined to distance herself from everyone, and to find a place for herself now that she no longer has Haru, her "home", to go back to. She doesn't feel truly happy without Haru in her life, but she feels that so long as he finds his happiness, that's enough for her.