Be Be Your Love

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Be Be Your Love
Suho/Kyungsoo (main), Baekhyun/Chanyeol, implied other pairings, spoiler: past Suho/Lay
4289 words, PG-13, AU with powers
In a world where everyone has a soulmate, unattached Kyungsoo tries to find love in Joonmyun.
a/n: Written to Rachael Yamagata's song, "Be Be Your Love".

When Kyungsoo meets Joonmyun, he expects the earth to move. It doesn't, but he should have expected his first meeting with his potential soulmate would be nothing like his best friends' own. Chanyeol's anima was fire and Baekhyun's was light, and when they met, fireworks erupted and sparks flew--literally. They were only 12 years old.

Kyungsoo's anima is earth and he's always imagined an earthquake for his own love story, but all he gets when he shakes Joonmyun's hand is a feeling that there's something missing. Joonmyun is smiling, so Kyungsoo smiles back, but there's something in the other man's eyes that tells him Joonmyun isn't expecting this either, that perhaps he's expecting something even bigger than the earthquake Kyungsoo had crafted in his head.

It's a dinner arranged by their parents. Kyungsoo probably isn't the only one who's embarrassed, but he can't tell from Joonmyun's carefully blank face. Kyungsoo is 25, and Joonmyun is a year older. They're both too old to have no soulmate, so now they'll have to settle for finding the next best thing.

Joonmyun's anima is water, and he works as a sea lion trainer at Ocean World, two streets away from Kyungsoo's flower shop. Kyungsoo thinks this is adorable, but he doesn't say it--because even though Joonmyun keeps smiling at him, he doesn't feel like he's there at all.

The date ends with a polite exchange of "I had fun," and Kyungsoo goes home feeling cheated. But as he gets ready for bed, he gets a text.

are you free tomorrow? ^_^ is what Joonmyun's message says.

Kyungsoo flinches at the emoticon. What are they, twelve? A part of him is surprised at Joonmyun's sudden interest in seeing him again when they'd barely said a word to each other. Nevertheless, he considers, the time they had spent together hadn't been unbearable. He replies with a yes.

You met him, Luhan tells Kyungsoo in his dreams that night. Luhan's anima is telepathy, but it might as well be mindreading and dreamweaving. Kyungsoo has never met him outside his dreams, but they've formed a friendship in the last decade, ever since Luhan had jumped into Kyungsoo's dreams unannounced and claimed he couldn't control his anima. Kyungsoo strongly suspected he had lied.

I don't know how to feel about him, Kyungsoo says honestly. They're sitting side by side on a gold-painted loveseat that's sprouting olive branches at the back, something Kyungsoo knows only Luhan's subconscious could have come up with.

Luhan's voice is gentle but matter-of-fact. You don't think he's your soulmate.

Kyungsoo shrugs and looks at the moon above them. When you met Minseok, he spoke into your mind just as easily as you could into his, even when his anima was frost, he says, as if that explained everything.

Luhan only smiles. You can't expect your love story to be just like everyone else's.

It's not that. Kyungsoo's voice cracks. I was just hoping once I met my soulmate, things would be different. But I just feel...the same.

For someone so rational, you're such a romantic, Luhan clucks. Has anyone ever told you that?

You. More than a few times.

Luhan drapes his arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders and laughs. Kyungsoo swats at him half-heartedly. The expression on Luhan's face is mischievous as he says, Maybe if you stop having expectations you'll find the answer you're looking for.

Kyungsoo tries. He makes conversation when they meet at Ocean World for lunch, and Joonmyun treats him to fast food. He talks about his garden and what flowers he's growing this season, voice wavering slightly when he notices Joonmyun's interested expression. Joonmyun's eyes are a beautiful shade of hazelnut.

Kyungsoo tries, but all Joonmyun ever does is smile that breathtaking but absent smile at him. Sometimes, he looks at Kyungsoo as if he wants to say something more than polite hms and "The weather is nice today." Once, his smile falters just a fraction, and Kyungsoo gets a glimpse of what Joonmyun would look like without his ever-present smile. Kyungsoo waits, breathless, for Joonmyun to talk about himself--but in the end, he doesn't.

When it's time for Joonmyun to get back to work, Kyungsoo gives him his best smile and makes an effort to wave goodbye cheerfully. Joonmyun smiles back and holds Kyungsoo's hand, his touch lingering on his wrist before he lets go. Kyungsoo doesn't know what to make of that--his skin is tingly where Joonmyun has touched it--so all he does is wave at Joonmyun's back as he walks away.

"It's like I'm talking to a wall," Kyungsoo tells Chanyeol and Baekhyun when they visit his apartment that night with the excuse of Baekhyun needing to borrow a pair of jeans.

"Maybe he's shy," Baekhyun says, pursing his lips thoughtfully as he goes through Kyungsoo's closet.

Kyungsoo restrains himself from re-folding and re-hanging every piece of clothing Baekhyun touches. "I'm not exactly the most outgoing person in the world," he says, "but he has me looking like an extrovert."

Chanyeol is bouncing up and down on Kyungsoo's bed as he eats potato chips, his curly mop of hair bouncing along with him, and Kyungsoo smiles, both fond and exasperated, as he thinks of all the cleaning he'll be doing in his room after his best friends leave. Chanyeol and Baekhyun aren't that much younger than him, but the way they act makes him nostalgic for his teens. "Maybe he's mute," Chanyeol says through a mouthful of chips.

"He can talk," Kyungsoo says, sighing. This conversation is pointless, so he might as well stop while he's ahead and just invite Chanyeol and Baekhyun to stay for dinner. His phone vibrates before he can open his mouth, and when he looks at the text, he groans.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun crowd around him. "Is it him?" Baekhyun says, and Chanyeol reaches for Kyungsoo's phone.

"Hey, he uses smileys like I do!" Chanyeol exclaims. "I like him already."

"It's strange because he doesn't come across as someone who'd use them," Kyungsoo says. Chanyeol returns his phone, and he stares at Joonmyun's text asking him if he'd like to have lunch with him tomorrow, if that's okay, that is. "I don't get it," he says, genuinely confused, his fingers hovering over the phone keys as he contemplates his answer. "Why does he want another date when we're obviously not getting anywhere?"

"You could just say no," Chanyeol says, laughing. "Have you tried that?"

Kyungsoo bites his lower lip and doesn't say anything for a long time. "I can't," he finally says. He doesn't say it out loud, but somewhere in his heart, he knows the real answer is that he doesn't want to, not when he hasn't tried hard enough.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun exchange a meaningful look.

"If you're doing it out of obligation to your parents," Baekhyun says softly, "I think having gone on two dates with him is good enough."

"If it's him, then it's him, but if you already know you don't like him, you can't just change your feelings," Chanyeol chimes in. "Look at me and Baekhyun. I just knew we were right for each other when we first met."

Kyungsoo does know. He understands what Chanyeol and Baekhyun are saying. He has looked for his soulmate for years, and deep down, he knows he's already missed his chance at true love. Joonmyun isn't it, his mind tells him, but Kyungsoo can't help it. Maybe Joonmyun's not his soulmate, but he's still a chance at something. He remembers Joonmyun's touch against his wrist and wonders if Joonmyun is thinking of the same thing.

Being alone is lonely, he wants to tell his friends. Not finding your soulmate is like losing a part of yourself. But he doesn't say a word. Instead, he lets them pull him into the kitchen, lets them entertain him with colorful anecdotes from their own lives, because he knows that even though they'll try their best to understand, Chanyeol and Baekhyun don't know what being lonely means. They've always had each other.

Kyungsoo and Joonmyun spend their third date sitting on a bench in the park, eating rice rolls Kyungsoo had made for their lunch.

"The weather is nice today," Joonmyun says.

Kyungsoo hides his smile behind his hand because it's exactly what Joonmyun had said yesterday. "It is."

There's a lull in the conversation, but Kyungsoo feels oddly warm. He is used to silence, but he's never had someone to share it with. He likes parks because they make him feel closer to his anima, and he had spent afternoons in the past, just sitting down and feeling the earth hum beneath his feet. He follows Joonmyun's gaze to the sky and finds himself relaxing as he looks for interesting shapes in the clouds. He almost feels happy, he realizes.

"Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?" Joonmyun asks, just as Kyungsoo feels himself dozing off.

Kyungsoo blinks wide eyes at Joonmyun, suddenly awake. The other man is smiling at him, looking not the least bit awkward at his random question. "Um. Scrambled, I guess."

"Me too." Joonmyun looks satisfied.

Kyungsoo can't help laughing, and he's rewarded with Joonmyun's smile turning into a frown for the first time. Good, he thinks. He wants to see more than Joonmyun's smile. "You're weird," Kyungsoo says honestly. "But that's okay because I'm weird too." He motions for Joonmyun to come closer. When he does, Kyungsoo leans in and whispers in his ear, "I own a button collection."

"I'm sure it's of good quality," Joonmyun answers, ever so polite, in the manner of someone who takes everything seriously.

Kyungsoo finds it endearing even as he wants him to loosen up. He manages not to laugh this time.

On their fourth date, Joonmyun lets Kyungsoo pet a sea lion. They stay away from the pool, which surprises Kyungsoo because Joonmyun's affinity with water could have helped him perform better tricks. Later, he realizes, as Joonmyun goes through a training routine for his benefit, that Joonmyun doesn't use his anima at all.

He is even gentler with animals than he is with people, Kyungsoo observes. He talks to them too. In fact, Kyungsoo bets Erika the sea lion has had longer conversations with Joonmyun than he has.

"You're jealous of a sea lion," Baekhyun says pointedly, when he tells him and Chanyeol about it afterward.

"I am not."

Chanyeol is laughing at him openly, hands clutching at his stomach. "Look, Baekhyun, the tips of his ears are turning red. Oh my god. This is precious." Baekhyun elbows Chanyeol in the ribs, but Kyungsoo can see he's holding in a laugh himself.

He ignores them both because he isn't jealous. He really isn't. A small smile appears on his face as he thinks back to the lunch date. Joonmyun had patiently run through Erika's tricks for him, and one of those tricks involved getting Kyungsoo to kiss Erika's nose.

Kyungsoo didn't want to do it at first, thinking of how weird Erika's skin would feel against his lips. But with some encouragement from Joonmyun, he had finally puckered up next to Erika--only to get humiliated as the sea lion turned her head away from him as if to reject him.

His cheeks burned even though he knew it was just a trick. Joonmyun only grinned and told him to do it again, this time with his eyes closed because Erika was shy like that.

Kyungsoo did close his eyes but mostly because he couldn't bear to look at Joonmyun when he felt so embarrassed. But instead of feeling Erika's wet nose, he was rewarded with the soft brush of someone else's lips against his.

Someone looks happy, Luhan says the next time Kyungsoo meets him in his dreams. Tonight, they're in a garden, and the two of them are picking oranges from trees. But, please, you're not pre-teens. Let me see some tongue action next time.

Stop reading my mind! Kyungsoo fights the blush that's creeping up his neck. He thinks of strangling Luhan, but he knows that won't work. Luhan is the one who creates the dreams, and he's sure the other man will just find a way to make his scheme backfire on him.

Fine, it was romantic, Luhan acknowledges, his eyes twinkling.

It was, wasn't it? Kyungsoo mumbles, feeling something akin to nervousness as his heart pounds rapidly in his chest.

You like him. It's not a question.

Maybe. Kyungsoo peels the skin off an orange and refuses to look at Luhan. I don't know. I think I want to.

But?

I don't feel a spark, Kyungsoo lies. He's lying because he does feel something. There's something, but he doesn't know what it is. He's afraid. He wants Joonmyun to be the one.

But what if wanting it isn't enough to make it real?

I don't really know him, Kyungsoo tries again. And this time it doesn't sound like a lie. He doesn't talk about himself. He thinks of all the times Joonmyun has failed to hide the pain in his eyes. He's lonely, Kyungsoo realizes, but he doesn't want anyone to know about it.

Do you need my help? Luhan asks.

Kyungsoo eyes him warily. What? Are you going to offer to jump into his dreams or something?

Luhan laughs. I can't do that to just anyone, silly.

Kyungsoo feels his eyes widening to twice their normal size. But you jumped into mine.

You're different, Luhan says, shrugging. He smiles, and Kyungsoo almost shudders because, this time, there's something devilish about it. But I might know someone who can help. I'll bring him with me next time.

Sometimes, Joonmyun's smile lies.

It's their tenth date. They're having lunch in the park in comfortable silence when it starts raining. Kyungsoo feels Joonmyun stiffen beside him, even as he covers them both with his umbrella (Kyungsoo is often ready for what others feel is unexpected).

As the raindrops continue to fall, Kyungsoo watches Joonmyun's blank gaze, holds his hand, and worries.

When the rain stops, Joonmyun's smile stops being forced, and Kyungsoo breathes again.

Their first time happens when the mood feels right.

Joonmyun has a sea lion show scheduled at noon, so they move their lunch date to a dinner date. Kyungsoo invites Joonmyun to his apartment on impulse and makes pasta for dinner. The dining table is small, and their knees keep hitting each other under it. Kyungsoo catches Joonmyun staring at his lips more than a few times, and he finds himself deliberately licking them, just to make him look some more.

They watch a movie in the living room afterward. It's a typical romantic comedy that would have put Kyungsoo to sleep on a normal night, but tonight, Joonmyun is sitting next to him and he's hyperaware of every movement he makes. Joonmyun's arm is around his waist. His left thigh is pressed against Kyungsoo's right, and it's warm, too warm.

Joonmyun shifts, and suddenly Kyungsoo goes from being next to him to being pinned beneath him. He's breathless long before Joonmyun reaches between his thighs.

Making love with Joonmyun is like coming home. Kyungsoo thinks he almost feels the earth move.

It's the end of their second month dating, and it's their 40th official date. Kyungsoo knows because he keeps track of them on his calendar, the days he meets Joonmyun carefully circled in red.

Today is the day Kyungsoo has picked for his confession. Over lunch, he will give Joonmyun yellow tulips from his garden, then he will tell him how much he likes him and how he wants to have a steady relationship with him. They might not be soulmates, Kyungsoo will say as part of his speech, but they're close to it. He likes the way Joonmyun smiles, the way he knows when to be quiet. He likes that Joonmyun understands the importance of being alone sometimes. Kyungsoo isn't usually this upfront about his feelings, but experience has taught him a thing or two about seizing the day.

He wants to believe Joonmyun feels the same way about him, but his knees shake when they meet for lunch anyway. His palms are sweaty as he hands Joonmyun the flowers. He has to clear his throat twice before words actually come out of his mouth.

Joonmyun is silent as he listens to Kyungsoo's confession, and he remains that way long after Kyungsoo is done. Kyungsoo feels himself losing confidence with every passing minute.

"I like you, Kyungsoo," Joonmyun finally says, and Kyungsoo starts breathing again. "I like you, but..."

There's always a 'but.' Kyungsoo's heard it all before, all those times he'd thought he'd found his soulmate but didn't.

"Can't we just stay like this?"

Kyungsoo isn't crushed. He tells himself he isn't. "So what you're saying is let's keep being friends," he says slowly.

"We're more than that." Joonmyun isn't looking at him.

Kyungsoo is perplexed. "So what you're saying is we can be together, just not...together." He's babbling, but he can't stop. "What you're saying is, since we're not soulmates, being fuck buddies should be all right."

Joonmyun finally looks at him, but Kyungsoo can't read his eyes. They're blank like the first time they met. "That's not what I meant." His voice is soft. "You know me."

"That's the thing, Joonmyun," Kyungsoo says, and something in him snaps. "I don't."

Kyungsoo is the one who walks away. Joonmyun isn't his soulmate, he thinks, his eyes blurry with tears, but the way his heart breaks, he might as well have been.

All Kyungsoo wants is to be alone, but while he escapes Chanyeol and Baekhyun, there's no way to avoid Luhan in his dreams. Go away, he says, hiding his head under his pillow and hoping Luhan will let him have his peace this time. Tonight, the dream is set in Kyungsoo's own bedroom and Kyungsoo's own bed.

You don't really want to be alone right now, Luhan says quietly, and Kyungsoo hates how right he is. He feels Luhan's weight settle beside him on the bed. Let me distract you, Luhan whispers, then blows softly into Kyungsoo's ear.

Kyungsoo pushes him away on instinct and sits up in bed. You're traumatizing me, he whines. This isn't helping.

Luhan looks smug. It got you moving, didn't it?

Kyungsoo flops back into bed.

Oh no you don't. I want you to meet someone.

And just like that, they're in front of what looks like an abandoned building. It's night, but the moon is full, and Kyungsoo can see that the sky is full of stars.

Ge ge! He is engulfed in a hug and lifted easily by an unknown assailant. He tries to flail, but whoever it is has him locked in a tight grip. It's almost embarrassing that he can't move at all.

Let him go, Zitao. You're frightening him. He doesn't know you in his world. Luhan's voice is amused.

Kyungsoo feels himself being put down, and he finds himself face to face with a tall, young man in a black coat. He has jet black hair and a jade earring in one ear, and he looks like he's about to sulk. I forgot about that.

Kyungsoo, this is Zitao, Luhan introduces. His anima is time control. He can shift through parallel worlds.

Zitao is eyeing him eagerly. I've been waiting.

Kyungsoo thinks Luhan is attempting to fool him again, like that time he convinced Kyungsoo that he was awake when he was actually still dreaming. What's this about? he asks, addressing both of them.

Zitao is here to tell you all about yourself, Luhan says simply.

In another world, Zitao tells him, you've found your soulmate.

The Kyungsoo Zitao knows is almost exactly like Kyungsoo. He's clumsy, kind, and a bit of a worrier. He's very rational, but he's a closet romantic.

He is in love, and the person he loves loves him back.

In that world, Zitao continues, your soulmate's name is Kai.

Kai. Kyungsoo tries the name in his mouth. It feels foreign.

Kai is gorgeous, but he's cold. When he meets Kyungsoo, he thaws. As it turns out, Kai isn't so cold after all. He just pretends not to care because everyone expects him to.

How did we--how did they meet? Kyungsoo asks.

They're both in this successful boy band, Zitao answers without hesitation. Kai dances like a god, and Kyungsoo sings like an angel.

Kyungsoo snorts at Zitao's word choices. This is too much like a fairy tale. Am I just supposed to believe that?

Zitao looks wounded, and Luhan giggles beside him. I'm telling the truth, Zitao says.

Look, even if I believed what Zitao said, what's the point? Kyungsoo asks Luhan. I don't understand.

I wanted you to know that it's not impossible, Luhan says.

It's not impossible to find love.

Does Joonmyun exist in that world too? Kyungsoo asks Zitao later.

He does, but we call him Suho.

Kyungsoo worries at his lower lip. Is there anything...anything you can tell me about him?

Zitao's brows knit as he thinks. Then, his face lights up and he says, He hates rain.

It doesn't make sense, Kyungsoo thinks when he wakes up, that Joonmyun hates rain, even if it's in another world. But then he remembers how Joonmyun avoids the pool and turns to stone when it's raining, how he doesn't use his anima, and he wonders just how alike Joonmyun and Suho are.

Kyungsoo looks for Joonmyun at Ocean World in spite of himself, but his co-workers only tell him he hasn't come in for work. He tries Joonmyun's apartment next, but no one's home. That's when he really starts worrying.

In the end, it's Joonmyun that comes knocking on his door that evening, after Kyungsoo has fretted for hours.

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun says. Kyungsoo can smell the alcohol on his breath, but he walks into the apartment steadily enough. "I'm sorry, Kyungsoo."

"You're stupid," Kyungsoo says with feeling, nearly giddy with relief. He leads Joonmyun to the sofa in the living room. "Let's talk about this in the morning. Just rest."

"I was afraid," Joonmyun continues, as if he hasn't heard a word. He sounds sober. "I don't want to lose you." A pause. "I don't want to lose anyone again."

Kyungsoo breathes in sharply as Joonmyun pulls him right next to him on the sofa. "I want," Joonmyun says softly, touching Kyungsoo's cheek, "I want to talk about this."

Kyungsoo listens.

Joonmyun met his soulmate when he was 17. His name was Yixing, and he wanted to be a doctor, just like Joonmyun did. Yixing's anima was healing.

They met on top of a mountain where it was rumored a river once flowed. They were part of two separate hiking parties, and they were both disappointed to see a patch of dried up land where the river used to be.

But then Yixing's eyes met Joonmyun's. The river started flowing again.

Two peas from two different pods. That was what Joonmyun's best friend, Jongdae, used to call them, because they were more different than they were alike. But they did share values. They were both persistent and hardworking. They both pushed themselves to the limit. But Yixing got the better results.

Despite this, Yixing never made Joonmyun feel inferior. They were lovers, but they were also best friends.

They were supposed to spend the rest of their lives together.

It ended after four years.

One day, it was raining hard as they were driving home from school. The road was slippery and visibility was poor. The car accident was almost inevitable.

When Joonmyun woke up, he was in a hospital bed and he was alone.

Later, when he had stopped screaming and had gone into shock, the doctor would tell him how Yixing had saved his life at the cost of his own.

The saddest part about Yixing's anima was that while he could heal others, he could never heal himself.

Joonmyun gave up becoming a doctor after that. He spent a year cooped up in his apartment wishing he had died with Yixing, and only the sting of Jongdae's slap woke him out of his stupor, enough to make him reconsider living.

"Yixing wouldn't want to see you this way," Jongdae had said.

Joonmyun hated rain, hated water, hated his anima. He originally began his job at Ocean World as a way of punishing himself, but in the end, he grew to love it. Training the sea lions helped numb the pain of losing Yixing into a dull ache that acted up only when it rained.

He had intended to meet Kyungsoo only as a favor to his parents. They just wanted him to be happy again, even if it would be in the hands of someone who wasn't his soulmate.

Joonmyun hadn't meant to fall in love again.

Kyungsoo squeezes Joonmyun's hand. His heart is aching for Joonmyun and what he's gone through, but the rest of him is calm. Luhan's words run through his head. I wanted you know that it's not impossible.

"You deserve more than this. You deserve to find your soulmate," Joonmyun is saying, his head bowed. "But a part of me wishes you wouldn't."

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and makes a decision. He tilts Joonmyun's chin upward with his other hand until they're looking into each other's eyes. "But Joonmyun," he says, "what if I've already found him?"

Joonmyun looks at him in confusion. When realization dawns and he tries to protest, Kyungsoo shakes his head. This isn't fate, he thinks. It's never been about fate. "I choose you," he tells Joonmyun.

You are my soulmate because I say you are.

Let me be yours.