And The Gears In The Brainbox Start Turning Once Again...

[mangaka2170]

Like young Wessendorf, it's been a while since I've written anything remotely story length, and I've had an idea for an anti-utopian story for a while now. This is the prologue.  Hope you enjoy it!

Prologue:

The room was a long, dark corridor, made of large plates of finely polished steel, held together by great rivets about an inch wide.  Metal

Comments

[maugoth]

" We can’t have our men out fighting on the front lines thinking for themselves, now can we? "

This reads rather... predictably. I'd suggest changing it to something like, "We can't have individual soldiers messing up the battle plan, now can we?"
The bit about thinking for themselves is rather blatant, and unnecessary given the later lines about reflexive obedience.

Also, "One Massive, unified chamber" reads a little... I don't know. Chamber is usually reserved for smaller rooms, for a start. For another thing... "One" makes me think, "As opposed to what? Two massive unified chambers?" Again, I don't know. It just reads a little awkwardly.

I REALLY like the last line, though.