#146 Racing Against Time {2/2}
Jongin can hear the thunder rumbling but it's not raining yet. It won't be long. He can already detect the humidity in the air, making it suffocating and hard to breath. He still has Sehun's last letter buried at the bottom of his jacket's pocket. Usually Sehun's letters feel warm and comforting against his body. Today, it burns.
Maybe because Jongin knows it is their last letter; the last one tinted by the innocence of the youth and the shyness of two boys on the cusp of becoming adults. The last one before they relationship change from a dreamlike one to a humanlike one. Jongin is both reluctant and overly ready to take this step. Soon, there won't be any more letters but Sehun. The real Sehun made of flesh and hair. The Sehun Jongin fantasized about for years. He gathered pieces of Sehun through the years with the words he wrote but now he is going to meet him for real and he isn't that confident anymore.
Of course, he's impatient, yearning for Sehun after years of waiting for him but he is also aware that they spend many years apart. Many years made of meetings and memories they don't share.
He's almost home, hurrying up before the rain catches him, when he notices a car parked in front of his house. He didn't expect Sehun to be early but he is and his palms become clammy and his heart erratic. Jongin draws closer until he is only a few feet away and the car's door opens.
"Hi," Sehun greets shyly as he goes out of the car, looking a bit uncomfortable and awkward. Sehun looks beautiful, skin golden under the broad daylight and lips pink. Something churns inside of Jongin's guts and it feels familiar; the world always seemed to turn upside down when Sehun is there.
Jongin comes even closer until they're standing in front of each other and he realizes Sehun grew taller than him. "Hi," he replies, "You're finally back." Sehun nods and Jongin's fingers twitches as he wants to touch him but stops half-way, unsure on what's acceptable to do when they just meet. They know each other. They aren't strangers and yet, everything seems suddenly so unfamiliar.
It's Sehun who reaches first, his hand curling around his forearm to pull him towards him. "I missed you," he mumbles against Jongin's hair, his arms wrapping around him in an uncommon but reassuring hug. Sehun's voice is low and quieter than Jongin remembers but it makes him jump and smile anyway.
Jongin buries his nose in the juncture of Sehun's neck and shoulder and breathes in. Sehun smells just like he imagined he would; musky and addictive, just like he used to do.
"How long are you staying?" The worry is back in Jongin's voice, making his insides clench and a sense of urgency rushing up through him. He knows Sehun won't stay long, he knows he won't have long to enjoy him before they will part again for who knows how long.
Sehun tightens his hold around him. "Two days. That was the best I could do," he sounds sorry and Jongin is angry but he doesn't want to show it. They don't have time to waste. "I wish I could stay longer." Jongin wishes too. He wishes he could stay forever.
They don't kiss at first. There is just a lick; Jongin's tongue lapping Sehun's upper lip. It is a tentative move, an ask for permission, a question "is this okay?". And then there is Sehun kissing him back, mouth open and demanding. Jongin slumps against him, holding him close, so tight it hurts and they are kissing ardently and sloppily until their lips are bruised.
"Want to get in?", Jongin offers once they managed to break apart and gestures at his house standing proudly next to him. "It's been a while but not much has changed inside."
Sehun cocks his head and squeezes his arm. "You changed." He corrects, his eyes traveling up and down Jongin's body. For a second, Jongin is afraid he might be disappointed but the swell of his lips makes him change his mind.
"You too," he takes Sehun's hand to lead him to the door. The sky is now covered of dark clouds and they should get in before getting drenched. "But you're still the same to me." He smiles and Sehun chuckles back.
He shows him around, hoping to trigger a sense of familiarity and of nostalgia in him. They grew up, they grew old but Jongin's house is made of old rocks that time doesn't waver. He offers him a glass of juice and points to the drawings hung up on the fridge. One of them is Sehun's and it represents both of them playing in the front yard. The others are Jongin in almost all of them, Sehun is there, because Sehun used to be always there when he was young.
"It's cute," Sehun comments, bending over to look closely, "but we were really terrible at drawing," he jokes. Jongin laughs back.
Then he leads him to his room and it starts feeling awkward. They have at the same time so many things and nothing to say to each other. Jongin wants to catch up on what he missed, wants to get used to the sound of Sehun's voice but he is also aware of the wall between them. They have become incompetent in talking to each other. They used to talk for hours where they were young, to finish each other sentences but now it's different.
"Your room didn't change much either," Sehun says, running his hand over the books on the shelves. Jongin sits carefully on the bed, letting Sehun travel around his room curiously.
"How does your room look back where you live? I never asked you," There are lots of things Jongin never asked; things that would have been too long or not important enough to write on a letter. But now Jongin wants to know everything, even the most insignificant stuff.
Sehun comes to sit next to him on the bed, far enough so they wouldn't touch but close enough so Jongin can feel the heat radiate from his body. "It's smaller than your own, and colder too." Jongin makes a questioning face, "I mean since I moved around a lot, I don't own many things, besides my clothes, a few books and my computer. My room is rather... empty." Jongin hums knowingly. Sehun never really had a place he could call home, just places where he stayed for a while.
Sehun stretches on his bed and as he complains about his body feeling stiff after the long drive, his t-shirt rises up and exposes a few centimeters of his muscled abdomen. Jongin can't help but stare. He has to fight the sudden impulse to reach and touch and taste the warm skin by looking away. Sehun isn't the frail kid he used to be anymore. He is lanky with square shoulders and a sculpted body and Jongin wants to slap himself to be sure he isn't dreaming once again, and that Sehun is indeed there in his room.
"What are you looking at?" Jongin asks after moments of silence, when Sehun's stare on him becomes too burdensome.
"You. I want to memorize everything before I leave." Jongin's heart clenches uncomfortably at the thought. Sehun just got there but it won't be long before I'll leave again.
"We still have time before that," His voice is barely above a whisper, "And you'll come back, right?" He looks at Sehun hopefully who smiles back from where he is laid down next to him.
"Of course I'll come back," he chuckles, "When did you become so shy and meek? The Jongin I know is usually bold and rude." Jongin huffs at that and Sehun kicks him gently with his bare foot.
"I think you've mistaken me for yourself," Jongin counters, laughing for real this time.
Sehun scoffs. "It's not what your letters are saying," he chants teasingly and Jongin's face flames. It is totally like Sehun to bring up the erotic letters they sent to each other so shamelessly.
"Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it," he mocks back, playful, "I still have yours too you know."
This time it's Sehun's turn to blush and he jumps on Jongin and starts kicking and tickling him naughtily to fight his embarrassment. Jongin laughs and hits back, feeling the tension and awkwardness slowly leaving them. And where they are finished fighting, panting but still giggling, they kiss again.
Jongin roams his hand all over Sehun's back, appreciating its broadness and the way the muscles flex under his hands. Sehun kisses back hungrily, intertwining his legs with Jongin's and digging his nails in the skin of his lower back, between his t-shirt and his pants.
Jongin wants to take his time, wants to revel in the pleasure of making Sehun his but he is too frantic, too impatient, too lost in his lust that he can't wait. Sehun doesn't seem to care either, responding just as eagerly.
He inhales, sucks and bites Sehun's skin. It feels like finally breathing after an eternity under water. He doesn't care about the bruises he leaves along his neck or his thighs, he is only led by the fact that he wants more. He wants to learn all the things he didn't have a chance to, all the things he missed out and rediscover all the things that didn't change. He finds out that the mole on Sehun's back is still there and it brings a sense of familiarity; something that tells that it is Sehun is with, it is Sehun's body, just bigger, broader and larger than in his memories and also hotter and more willing, oh so much more willing than it has ever been.
He strokes him above his underwear until a wet spot seeps through the fabric and Sehun is looking at him with pleading eyes. Eyes that say both "I missed you" and "please do something". It's funny in a way how with just a look at Sehun Jongin can interpret his thoughts as words and letters and how Sehun's voice sounds so different from the one he imagined by reading his mail but his eyes just sound the same.
Naked, Sehun is different from the depictions he wrote, he doesn't moan yet nor does he arches his back with impatience; he only lets out a shaky breath and looks at him expectantly as if he is being cautious not to ruin something they waited for so long. It is a bit awkward in a way. It is like having sex with a stranger somehow; someone you're not used to the reactions, to the voice, to the body but they still feel like home and it's Sehun. They know everything about each other. So when Jongin reaches out and slides his boxers down his legs, it doesn't feel wrong.
They are both inexperienced. Well, Jongin more than Sehun but none of them think about that now because it is the first time they spend together after a long time and they are both equal now. They are Jongin and Sehun who grew up together, who were friends and who got in trouble together for years when they were younger.
Jongin is vaguely aware that the rain starts falling when he leans forward to press kisses down the valley's of Sehun stomach, leaving wet stripes glistening on his skin, until he stops between his legs, he licks there too and Sehun gasps. Soon, Sehun's hips are jolting forward hastily, greedy for the wet heat surrounding him and Jongin has to maintain him to the mattress with one arm flung around his middle.
Sehun's little whimpers are overwhelming when he starts bobbing his head for real, taking as much as Sehun's cock in his mouth as he can and it is hard for Jongin to keep his composure as he wants to reach and kiss him to shallow all the sounds he makes. His own cock is painful and he has to fight the itch to start grinding his hips against the bed too.
When Jongin spreads out Sehun's long legs before him, his stomach swoops at the sight displayed before him. He swallows hard and has to look away for a few seconds as it almost too much to bear. Coaxing his trembling fingers in lube, he presses one in, looking in awe at how Sehun's back arches off and his moans turn into non sensical sentences among "more" and "please" and "i love you". Sehun's fists are clenching and he's squirming by the time he is three fingers deep and he knows he won't withstand the sight of Sehun so willing and so pliant before him for long.
"Tell me if it hurts," he whispers somewhere next to his ear and Sehun swallows, nodding and bringing Jongin's closer to wrap his legs and arms around him.
"I really missed you," Jongin adds suddenly because it seems like something important to say now. Sehun kisses him long and slow as a reply until Jongin is positioning himself and the tip of his member is pressing against his entrance. He is so ridiculously aroused that his cock aches and he has to take a few seconds of breathing to pull himself together.
They both hold their breath until Jongin is pushing himself inside and he can feel Sehun's warmth slowly enveloping him. Sehun's nails racks down his back and his palms slip against his sweaty skin and it is the best he has felt in years. Sehun is finally his, wrapped in his embrace and the sensations are breathtaking.
Sehun's eyes are scrunched shut and he's gasping for air too and for a second Jongin is worried he might have done something wrong. But he didn't because then, Sehun's eyes flutter open and looking at him with dilated pupils, he starts rubbing his hips in circle against him.
"Move," he orders, nearly hisses, voice hoarse and imploring. Jongin can't help but obey, canting his hips with short thrusts, until the incredible tightness becomes tolerable and he can switch to long and deep pushes that allow Sehun to feel him curving fully inside him.
Jongin is amazed at the way Sehun's stomach is clenching every time he thrusts forward or at the delicious moans he manages to drag out of him. He never imagined mail to have such a flaw; the lack of sound, the lack of voice, because Sehun's voice is the best thing he ever heard until now. He can't help but be mesmerized at the sight of Sehun's strong and graceful body before him, under him, his hands slipping against his sides, his figure squirming at every movement and his mouth opening on his own will to cry out each time Jongin dives in.
It isn't long before Sehun is trembling and Jongin is now snapping his hips hard inside him, skins smacking and obscene groans filling the room. Sehun's thighs are so clamped around him that Jongin can't pull away even if he wants to and he has no choice but let his instincts take over him and his movements become erratic. Sehun comes first, writhing and with a cry, his whole body going rigid as a crippling pleasure explodes inside him and Jongin can't bear the clenching around him for much longer. Arching his hips in one last deep push, he bucks forward a few times, emptying himself inside, cock twitching rapidly and breath heavy, the tingling feeling of his orgasm lingering for long minutes after.
Jongin's voice is throaty when he speaks next, "Don't leave ever again." He asks, once they have collapsed on the bed, exhausted and enjoying the aftermath of their releases, even though he knows it won't happen because they both need to go to college and they live far away from each other. Sehun will have to come back to his parents, leaving Jongin behind, and if Jongin knows it, he doesn't want to accept it.
"I won't," Sehun answers nonetheless, smiling affectionately and stroking Jongin's slick back lazily. Jongin knows it's lie but his heart beat races and for a few seconds, he believes him.
"Will you keep writing?" Jongin needs to know because he isn't sure he will be able to survive without Sehun's letters, without the thrill coming from receiving one, without the anticipation building up, without the shy words they exchange - words said and unsaid.
"Of course. Until we see each other again. I promised, didn't I?" Jongin hums in agreement and closes his eyes. He wants to believe it will be easier from now on, because they met and they are in love.
-
Sehun writes quicker than ever once he's gone. He says he wants to come back as soon as possible. He already misses him. It is quite ironical, Jongin thinks, that meeting each other only made things harder for them. They used to miss each other, to long for each other but now that they had a taste of what it is like to be together, it became even more painful to be apart. It is tragic in a way how their story has always been all about missing each other. A few moments of happiness and then months and years of loneliness. Jongin isn't sure anymore he will be able to put up with it any longer. It feels as if he already wasted years of his life waiting.
He hopes that this time it will be different but it isn't. As always, real life and duties come first and it becomes complicated to find a moment to meet. Sehun says he's broke and he doesn't have enough free days to ride back to Jongin's. Jongin doesn't have a car and is busy too. He wonders what kind of relationship they have, if this can be called a relationship as they only met once or two days in a decade.
"You can't forget about me. I won't let you forget. It doesn't matter how long it takes but we will meet each other again and when we do it will be forever."
Sehun promises in one of his letter and even if Jongin's heart swells at the idea of being together forever, he is also scared. They spent years apart and got used to a certain kind of living. What if they realize they don't fit each other once they get to spend days, months, years together? Sehun tells him not to worry, to stop overthinking everything but Jongin can't be as laid back as him.
Sehun writes that he loves him three months later for the first time and Jongin writes it back.
It is hard for Jongin. He cries a lot, being unsure of what they might become. Sehun still writes but he isn't sure for how long. They aren't kids who finds it distracting to send and receive mail anymore. They have others things to deal with. Jongin wouldn't survive if they were to drift away from each other.
And what Jongin feared eventually happen. Sehun doesn't come back properly. Not as Jongin hoped he will at least.
He starts visiting a lot after a while actually, after he got to settle down in college and has enough free time. He visits every two weeks at first and if he can't, every months. It is usually only a couple of days spent walking around, going to the movies, playing games, chatting and having sex, but as months and years go by most of those things disappear. They don't walk around or go to the movies anymore because Sehun is always tired when he arrives. They don't play games because they are not kids anymore. Sehun doesn't even stay a couple of days anymore as he is busy and is working. It is usually one night and maybe a few hours in the morning if Jongin is lucky enough.
Jongin gets shocked one day, realizing what they have become, unable to remember how he let them turn into this. They were so good at loving each other when there were miles between them but it turned out that they sucked at loving each other daily. He used to think Sehun loved him but all they have left to connect to each other now is sex. Sehun comes, they have sex, they don't talk much, they don't ask how the other is doing, Sehun says he loves him and then leaves. And then Jongin waits.
They don't even write to each other anymore. They never stopped officially but it somehow happened that way. Slowly, without intending to, they stopped writing. Or, Sehun stopped writing. Jongin still writes a lot. It's just that he doesn't send his letters anymore.
"The last time we had a proper conversation seems so far away today. I remember when we met, we were so happy, so innocent, so eager to talk and to share everything with each other. When did we become like this? What happened to us, Sehun?
You promised you would always write, you promised we will be happy, you promised you wouldn't ever leave."
"You didn't even stay the full night tonight. You left as soon as we were done. I didn't even had the courage to look up to watch you close the door behind you. You look like you don't care anymore, like it doesn't matter how much you hurt me because you know I won't leave you.
Please tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're just busy and everything will be alright. I'm so scared, Sehun, so scared that we are already done but I'm the one desperately hanging onto you."
"Why do you always come back? Please stop. Stop so I won't have to stop you myself. It will be easier if you just stop coming and calling. I won't be mad, I promise. It will be sweet and without pain. But you always come back.
Each time I want to talk to you, each time I don't find the courage. I prepared what I should say a thousand times but I can't bring myself to utter it. Every time you kiss me and you make me feel wanted and I think that I should be bear with it just one more time before ending it."
"I'm so tired Sehun, so tired I think I might collapse. I took my decision. I won't hesitate anymore. I hope you understand. You understand, don't you? You know what's wrong, even if you don't say it, you know, right? I'll just put an end to it before it's too late."
-
Jongin is waiting for Sehun tonight. He prepared himself mentally and memorized exactly what he will say. He just hopes Sehun won't make things more difficult as they already are. He paces around his apartment for around twenty minutes before he hears the well-known sound of Sehun knocking at his door. Usually it would make him excited, make his heart race and his legs wobbly but today he just tenses, trying to push back the desire he still has for him. All he wants to feel now is anger.
Jongin would be lying if he said what they are doing isn't convenient for him too. He likes it. He likes the way Sehun's legs always spread wider for him to rest in between. He likes the way he whispers his name in the dark. He even likes to see him at his door, all dressed up and looking the same as ten years ago. He likes every part of it but it isn't what he expects a loving relationship to be.
"Sehun," Jongin stammers as soon as he passes the door before words will get stuck in his throat, "It's over." He lets out bluntly and it is hard to ignore the shooting pain springing in his chest coming from such words.
"What do you mean?" Sehun sounds lost, he reaches to Jongin's face but he avoids it, "What's going on suddenly?"
"Don't pretend you don't know," Jongin accuses, tone flat and anger rising up at Sehun's lack of understanding. "You're done using me, Sehun. It's over. I understand it was nice having someone always there for you, ready to put up with everything because he loved you but I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend we're still having something when all we've done in the past years has been fucking when you were willing to." Jongin repeated his speech in his head for weeks but right now he is stuttering and is trying really hard to contain his sobs. Sehun frowns, mouth open but no words coming out as he stares at him with widened eyes. "You won't use me anymore. Please go. It's over now." Jongin barely manages to control his trembling voice and to not let his emotions show through too much.
Jongin wishes Sehun would have protested, throw himself at his feet and beg him to keep him but he doesn't. Instead, he doesn't utter a word as he pushes him to the door and firmly closes it behind him. Jongin doesn't hear Sehun slumping down against it and instead tries to convince himself he did the right thing.
"Did I do the wrong thing? Are you still in love, Sehun? Why didn't you say anything that day? You could have at least answer back so I wouldn't feel so doubtful right now. I should have cursed at you, make you react, at least.
I wish you would still write because I never felt that you lied to me when you were writing. The words you say they are so empty; the "I love you" you always whisper, I can't hear it anymore because I heard it too much and it was so meaningless. I miss your writing. I miss your honesty. I miss you.
No, I don't and I won't.
You will do good without me, right? I hope you're not too angry. I didn't mean to be so harsh and sudden but I needed you to understand. I'm sorry and I believe you are too. Please tell me you're sorry too. Come back and tell me we can start again."
-
Sehun doesn't come back and Jongin tries his best to accept that it is definitely over. They talked to each other for years through letters and then when they finally managed to meet, they couldn't talk anymore. Jongin wants to laugh at the stupidity of their situation but he is too sad for that. Instead, he wants to forget that he lost years of his life running after a man who wasn't worth it. It isn't easy; Sehun has been with him his whole life wether it was through letters or sex but the empty spot he leaves behind cannot quite be filled by anything.
Jongin cries, complains to Kyungsoo who doesn't care and struggles to move on.
After a while he thinks about moving out of his apartment but can't bring himself as he quietly hopes Sehun will still show up one day at his door.
Almost one full year passes before he hears from Sehun again. One year of silence and of nights spend at his desk rereading damaged letters from years ago.
-
"Jongin,
I know I took so long to write but I hope you don't hold grudges. You probably do though, as all I ever did is making you wait for me, asking you to patient, forcing you to comply with my flaws and hesitations until the day you stopped doing so.
I should have stayed that day, ask you for explanations, be mature and promise you I will do better but I just couldn't. Reflecting on it now, it is probably the guilt that made me leave and try not to look back. But how can I not look back when it was you I was leaving?
I am guilty, Jongin, so guilty. I should have treated you better. I shouldn't have let our relationship become what it was because all you deserve is to be loved and cherished and I was so blind and selfish I never saw you were suffering, or I didn't want to see at that time.
I am really sorry.
It probably sounds fake coming from me, after everything, probably sounds weak to write it when I could tell you directly but I never was the best at talking and letters have always been special to us, haven't they? (They have for me, at least. I still keep all your letters, you know. Even the crumpled pieces of paper we exchanged when we were kids.)
I am really sorry and I pray that one day you will forgive me.
We both became so busy with life and everything. We never properly talked about what we were and it somehow became that way. It was easier. We didn't have much time to meet and when we did all I could think of was how much I wanted you, how much I needed you, how close I wanted to be with you. Instead, it only led us to drift further apart from each other.
I shouldn't look for excuses because I have none for how I treated you but I feel like I was owning you an explanation. I should have done better. I should have been there more often. I shouldn't have put my pleasure over you. I shouldn't have kept you waiting when I couldn't give you what you wanted.
When you said we were over, you can't imagine how angry and relieved I was. I was angry because I fucked up really big, because I was loosing you and I deserved it but I was relieved you were putting an end to this situation I wasn't able to stop. I'm such a coward Jongin. A coward and a bastard.
It was so convenient to meet once in a while, to kiss you hard and then leave. We didn't have to deal with feelings. You were mine and I liked it. But the lack of conversations, of time spending together that I thought I could fill up with passion became something I didn't even think about anymore.
I am so sorry Jongin. I really am.
I hope you're doing well, that you're happy. (You don't know how much it pains me to write this, thinking it used to be me that made you happy.)
I hope we can meet again someday, any day. I can only ask you to write back, to accept a meeting but I won't be disappointed if you refuse or if this letter remains unanswered. I re-read your last letter the other day (the one you send after our second meeting) and it was so beautiful, so full of hopes and expectations that it hurts me to end our mail with such a shameful letter but I can only blame myself.
Despite all the pain I put you through, please believe that I always loved you and will always do. I will always feel lucky and honored to have met such an amazing person and had the chance to share a part of your life.
I bid you goodbye maybe too late and too messily but you know how clumsy I am.
Twenty years ago I promised you I will always write to you from everywhere I would be, but this once I wish you could do the same.
I love you,
Sehun."
Jongin is shaking slightly when he puts back the letter on his desk. He knows he shouldn't be affected. He should ignore it and throw it away. Unfortunately, he can't. He resists the urge to write back immediately, to run to go back to him, to meet him again after years of silence. He tries to decide what is the best to do; if he should indeed forgive him or not because a letter can't make up for years of suffering. However, Sehun's honest words are the first ones in years and they make him feel immensely happy.
-
The cafe is small and almost empty. Jongin chose a neutral place where they can chat freely but won't have to face the darkness of his apartment. They agreed to meet in late afternoon, after they are both done with work. Jongin realizes how much of a bad idea it is as he spends the day trembling and unable to concentrate on anything.
He notices Sehun even before he enters. His long figure catches his eyes as he is walking past the cafe and Jongin has to swallow to try to control the lump forming in his throat. He hasn't changed a bit; he still looks so beautiful Jongin has a hard time controlling the familiar racing of his heart.
"Hey," Sehun says when he enters, eyes traveling around for a few seconds before stopping on Jongin. Jongin greets back as Sehun sits carefully in front of him. "Have you been well?" He asks next, probably to try to get rid of the awkwardness surrounding them. Jongin wants to retort that it is a stupid and meaningless question to ask but it is the first time he asks in years, so instead he shuts up.
"Fine. And you? You look tired." Jongin states, taking notice of Sehun's dark circles and how he seems paler than ever.
He smirks, eyes avoiding Jongin's and focusing on his hands instead. "I've been okay. I'm a bit tired because of work and everything but I'm happy to be here, if this is what you're asking." His eyes shoots up to look at him and they twinkle a bit. "I didn't think you would accept to meet honestly."
"I wasn't going to. But then I thought that we might not have another chance, so I did," Jongin mutters, suddenly feeling shy in front of Sehun. "I was really surprised when I received your letter. It took me a few days to decide what I should do." Jongin wants to say he is thankful Sehun wrote to tell him his feelings but he can't bring himself to. They haven't properly talk in years and he isn't sure he still knows the person Sehun is.
Sehun sighs, "I'm really sorry, Jongin. I'm sorry we ended up this way." Sehun looks at him right in the eyes this time and Jongin shivers.
"I played a part in it too, you know," he confesses, voice barely above a whisper, "I'm really sorry too." A pause. "For everything." Another pause, a longer one, and Sehun waits patiently. "I should have talked to you sooner but I was feeling like hanging into you when you had another life. I mean, you lived far away, you had other friends, other acquaintances and I was the only thing holding you back from moving on," Jongin explains, voice uneven, "I was just feeling so guilty."
"I wish we could have shared all this years ago," Sehun sounds regretful now, somehow bitter and Jongin agrees. They made an horrible mess of something precious.
"At least, we finally did," Jongin counters, happy that he got to see Sehun again even if it is in such moment. He takes a good look at his suit, at the way it hugs him in all the right places and makes him look like a man. To Jongin, he will always be that kid who used to write him messy letters full of grammar mistakes.
"Is it too late?" Sehun asks tentatively, with a hint of shyness in his tone.
"Is it?" Jongin repeats, chuckling. It has been a really long time since they last talked that way, with the coyness of lovers and the mischief of good friends. It spreads butterflies to Jongin's stomach and he wants to reach out to touch him and kiss him and jokes that way all night long.
Sehun seems to think the same but he reasons himself, probably not wanting them to take another wrong path. "I'm working around here now," he informs him, changing the subject, "I got an offer a few months ago and I took it. Because of you."
Jongin tries to repress his smile but it widens on his own. "Does it mean we will see each other often?"
"If you want to," Sehun offers and Jongin smiles back.
Jongin thinks they should take things slow. They should be sure of what they want first. They should learn about each other, learn about the things they missed first. They should do things right but even if Jongin is aware of that, he is still the one pushing Sehun against his car as he is about to leave to kiss him, pouring into it years of pain and longing. Sehun responds back as eagerly, hands coming to rest on Jongin's hips like they belong there. They kiss as different people but it feels like they never stopped. Their body still know by heart the places to reach and to tickle. They still fit perfectly together.
They should take things slow and be patient but they waited for each other their whole life and they can't do it anymore. Jongin just hopes they will learn from their mistakes, hopes they will find the happiness they sought for so long and as of now, there is no reason they won't. They are together again and rejoicing, they are looking at the upcoming difficulties and future challenges with the eyes of optimism.
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