#11 brown chicken, brown cow {1/2}
Title: brown chicken, brown cow
Prompt: #11
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~18500 words
Side pairings: Baekhyun/Chen, Chanyeol/ D.O., very slight Suho/Lay
Summary: Sehun is a sex god. (his friends will tell you otherwise.)
Warning(s): Sehun.
Notes: massive shout out to my beta, g. and a big thank you to all my cheerleaders, your support/encouragement did not go unappreciated. to the prompter, i really do hope you enjoy this fic. (please?)
“hello? earth to sehun?” baekhyun snaps his fingers, inches away from sehun’s face.
sehun’s jaw slackens, unable to construct actual words into a sentence. “guhhh.”
kyungsoo tuts in disapproval and places his hand under the boy’s chin, pushing up to close his mouth. “don’t leave your mouth hanging open like that, sehun. we’re in public, it’s uncouth.”
sehun turns to face the group, blinking at his friends several times. “wait, what? what did i miss? who’s uncool?” he asks distractedly, turning his body again, his gaze shifting away from the others.
“uncouth,” kyungsoo repeats, shaking his head..
“what are you looking at, sehun?” baekhyun asks, following the other’s line of sight. “or maybe i should ask, who are you looking at?” baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows.
chanyeol and jongdae cough exaggeratedly, the former relentlessly poking sehun in the ribs. “so tell us, little sehunnie, which one of the waiters over there tickles your pickle?” chanyeol, enquires with a toothy grin.
“yeah, sure. sounds good to me,” sehun responds, his attention still preoccupied with the group of waiters gathered several tables away.
kyungsoo rolls his eyes and picks up the menu from the tabletop. “i give up, just leave him be.”
chanyeol waves his hand in front of sehun’s face, an effort to regain the youngest’s attention. however, his attempts are all in vain, sehun’s face still remains aligned in the direction of the wait staff and his back to chanyeol. seeing an opening to play a prank, jongdae grabs the salt dispenser from the table and begins furiously shaking the plastic container, depositing salt granules all over sehun’s menu.
baekhyun begins to cackle loudly at jongdae’s practical joke, encouraging the latter to jerk his hand more vigorously. “oh my god, jongdae. you look like you’re giving that salt shaker a handjob,” baekhyun bellows as he tilts his head back, roaring with laughter.
“you would know, wouldn’t you? seeing as the only action you get is from your own hand!” jongdae shoots back.
“buuuuuurn!” chanyeol adds, adding fuel to the fire. he laughs uncontrollably; limbs flailing and eyes twitching.
baekhyun, not backing down from the insult, grabs the pepper shaker and begins to flick the container at his friend. “take that! and you, you wanna know what a real burn feels like? how about i grab the chilli flakes and rub it into your eyes, huh?” he threatens as his hand hovers over the other dispenser.
“you wouldn’t dare!” chanyeol takes a preemptive strike and grabs the ketchup and mayonnaise bottles, flicks the caps open, poised and ready to squeeze should baekhyun follow through on his threat.
“oh my god, you guys are supposed to be the hyungs. what kind of example are you setting for sehun?” kyungsoo clicks his tongue in disapproval.
“he’s not even paying attention, he’s too busy getting a hard on for-” baekhyun is cut off by jongdae forcing his mouth open and chanyeol squeezing a generous helping of ketchup into it. the male splutters as he swallows the tomato sauce, banging his fist against the table. “you shits know how much i hate ketchup!”
the loud racket disturbs sehun from his attempt to eavesdrop. he throws an arm behind him, swatting the air. “keep it down!” he hushes the group, gaze still locked and loaded onto his target.
“whose pants are you trying to get into?” jongdae asks, settling down after evading baekhyun’s effort to clobber him. “maybe we can help you?”
sehun whips his body to face the group, his brows furrowed in a deep scowl. “just gimme a second, please?” he pleads desperately. he’s ready to bust out some gwiyomi aegyo moves if it gets them to keep their traps shut.
“come on guys, let’s just keep it down and mull over what we’re going to order,” kyungsoo pipes up, trying to mediate the situation.
“thanks, soo hyung.” sehun shoots kyungsoo a smile of appreciation before turning back to the staff across the room.
sehun and his group of friends-baekhyun, jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo-are escorted to their regular table by the window immediately. they would usually have had to wait at least twenty minutes for their spot to become available without calling in advance. kyungsoo had gotten fed up with always having to be the one to book their table-no one else could be bothered or would conveniently forget-and gave up months ago. sehun is surprised to find the restaurant unexpectedly empty during the dinner rush. with only a few patrons scattered throughout the restaurant the waiters had time to congregate around the ‘water cooler,’ gossiping about who knows what, as opposed to their usual mad dashes to fetch plates and take orders.
‘exology’ isn’t a particularly fancy restaurant but it still manages to attract a decent clientele due to its appealing qualities: an affordable menu and top notch service. it’s those qualities that the restaurant become a regular destination for whenever sehun and his friends scheduled dinner plans. the ridiculously handsome wait staff probably played a role too, let’s face it, who doesn’t like a bit of sweet eye candy to go with their meal? sehun sure as hell likes it and has had his eye on one waiter in particular for a while now.
jongin. kim jongin.
sehun has observed many things about the waiter during his frequent visits. the first was his endearing crescent eye smile and warm hearty laughs. sehun began to discover other habits bit by bit, such as his tendency to affectionately slap the unfortunate person closest to him whenever he finds something extremely amusing. or the way he glides across the open space, so full of grace, as if he were a ballet dancer.
he can’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell for the waiter’s charms, but there’s one thing he can be certain of; oh sehun has a big fat crush on one kim jongin.
sehun watches the waiter and catches him playing rock, paper, scissors with his colleagues for reasons unknown. sehun questions if this is really the way the waiters choose to kill time around here and how utterly tragic it is if that were the case. he hears the other two waiters cheer and whoop as they high five each other, while jongin buries his face in his hands. sehun concludes that jongin must've lost the game, his reaction to the defeat is too adorable for sehun to articulate. instead, he grins at the spectacle and continues to spy on the waiter in silence, not caring one bit that he's exhibiting asocial behaviour whilst in the presence of friends.
“oh please! porn doesn’t count, 1080p or otherwise!” chanyeol yells at jongdae, snapping sehun out of his trance.
“what’s going on?” sehun questions, unable to fathom the current topic of conversation. did chanyeol just say something about porn? sehun must’ve misheard him, though on second thoughts, it is chanyeol we’re talking about and it really wouldn’t surprise him if chanyeol discussed his porn preferences with anyone, stranger or otherwise. he would go as far as to say that chanyeol would probably feel no shame in revealing to his grandma exactly how many hours a week he indulged in watching explicit videos.
kyungsoo sighs in exasperation, his patience levels clearly running low. “the idiots are arguing over who has the most game.”
true to kyungsoo’s words, sehun watches as the other three squabble over who has the best pick up lines and who can score the most dates. “guys,” he interrupts the heated debate, “this isn’t even worth arguing about. the answer is pretty damn obvious.”
“finally! someone’s speaking sense,” chanyeol announces, giving sehun a good hard whack on the back, the sound resonating across the table, before resting an arm on his shoulder. sehun grimaces in pain and shoves the unsuspecting chanyeol off him. “hey!” he protests.
sehun ignores the his friend and resumes expressing his opinion on the matter at hand, “we all know that it’s me.”
“what’s you?” baekhyun and jongdae ask in unison with curious eyes.
“i’m the sex god,” sehun clarifies with a straight face.
jongdae and baekhyun look at each other before bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. chanyeol joins in and clutches his stomach as he wheezes, gasping for air. much to sehun’s shock and horror, kyungsoo is also giggling, albeit more discreetly than the others, but it doesn’t make the betrayal hurt any less.
he’d expected the reaction from the three stooges but not from his trusted hyung and the cut runs deep. “et tu, kyungsoo hyung? et tu?” sehun sighs, shaking his head in disbelief.
kyungsoo avoids eye contact, attempting to halt his laughter and failing miserably. “i’m sorry, sehunnie. but-”
“you?! a sex god?” baekhyun interjects, struggling to breathe as he gasps for air. “what have you been smoking, seriously?!”
“oh my god, don’t repeat it,” jongdae requests, holding his hands in the air. “the cringe is too strong. it physically hurts me.”
sehun reaches over and slaps the back of baekhyun’s head. “i swear to god, i will throttle you all if you don’t stop laughing! i wasn’t even trying to make a joke.”
“that’s what makes it so funny,” chanyeol says, wiping the tears from his eyes. “the fact that you were serious about it. oh my god, i cannot. man, that has got to be the best line, ever. effing gold.”
“stop teasing him, he’s about to cry.” kyungsoo reaches for sehun’s hand but the latter recoils before the former is able to establish physical contact.
“i’m not about to cry, thank you very much. i don’t need you fighting my battle for me,” sehun spits at kyungsoo. he doesn’t appreciate it when kyungsoo coddles him like a child. it’s not like he’s that much older anyway, he’s only one year his senior.
“aww, is little sehunnie a big boy now?” jongdae coos patronisingly.
“well, i’m crying. i can’t remember the last time i laughed this hard. thanks, bruh.” chanyeol raises a clenched fist and leaves his arm extended. “don’t leave me hanging, jongdae. come on, braaaaaah.” he smiles with satisfaction when jongdae finally concedes and fistbumps him. "sweeeet."
"you think it's hilarious when i say i'm a sex god, yet you've got this loser here begging for a fistbump," sehun mutters bitterly under his breath.
"don't hate, appreciate," chanyeol laughs as he grabs sehun by the shoulders and gives him a little shake.
jongdae reaches out for chanyeol's hand, moulds it into a balled fist and knocks his own against it.
"what was that all about?" chanyeol asks in confusion.
"i had to take back my fistbump."
"what, whyyyy?" chanyeol whines as he attempts to grab jongdae's hand to coerce him into giving back the bump.
"okay, i think it's fair to say that i'm the only one who has any game, yo," baekhyun announces as he shakes his head at Chanyeol and Jongdae, his lips pursed in judgment.
"I. AM. A. SEX GOD!" sehun screeches, his voice several octaves higher than usual, startling the group. "and baek hyung, don't you even deny it. you grab my arse at every opportunity because you get enough of this jiggly butt."
jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo whip their heads to face the accused boy, their intense stares causing baekhyun to blush. "it’s just nice to squeeze, okay?" baekhyun whispers meekly.
"and he's not the only one who thinks so, i know y'all tell me to walk on ahead so you can check out my booty." sehun folds his arms and huffs in indignation.
kyungsoo snorts. "please get over yourself, sehun. how conceited can you be?"
sehun exhales heavily and runs a hand through his hair. "look, how can i convince you that i'm the world's most prolific sex god?"
"you can stop referring to yourself as a 'sex god' for one thing. bragging about your self proclaimed sex god status isn't exactly impressive," kyungsoo remarks.
“pictures or it never happened!” jongdae chimes in.
kyungsoo continues, ignoring jongdae. "if someone vouches, then maybe, i’ll consider it. though, it does go without saying that you're not allowed to bribe or coerce anyone into testifying for you."
"how about i demonstrate for you guys? will you believe me then?"
the group look at each other. "do go on," baekhyun encourages.
"i'll work my sex god magic on our waiter." sehun proposes. he cracks his knuckles before breathing into his palm and sniffing it. he nods in satisfaction that his breath doesn’t reek of any foul odours.
"sounds like a plan, i wonder which waiter will be serving us tonight?" jongdae ponders. "the one who looks like he's ten years old but is apparently older than all of us? the dude who won't quit with all the dad jokes and puns, despite our subtle hints for him to stop, or the really sexy guy who exudes sex? now, he is the definition of sex god. you could learn a thing or two from him, sehun-ah."
"agreed." chanyeol sighs dreamily as he ogles the waiter, practically undressing him with his eyes. kyungsoo jabs an elbow into his sides.
"well, lucky for us then, he's going to be our server today," sehun voices his prediction, the reason behind the rock, paper, scissors game becoming apparent to him.
kyungsoo cocks his head at sehun. "how would you know that?"
"don't tell me," baekhyun cuts in, "are you a psychic sex god?"
"no..." sehun gives baekhyun the finger. "...he lost to the other two in a game of rock, paper, scissors. i think they were playing to see who would have to wait on us."
"we're not that bad, are we?" chanyeol asks whilst tearing his napkin into shreds, littering the table.
kyungsoo tuts as he swats chanyeol's hands away. he bundles the scraps into a ball and stuffs them into chanyeol’s jacket pocket. "stop that! this is exactly why they groan whenever they see us coming."
"they wish they could see us coming." baekhyun wriggles his eyebrows as he over enunciates the last word. the guy just couldn’t resist a sexual innuendo, whenever and wherever the opportunity arose.
kyungsoo rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time. "i have no idea why i'm still friends with you morons." he glances up and noticed the graceful waiter approaching the table. "sehun was right though, the sexy waiter is coming over. everyone be on their best behaviour.” his gaze hones in on its target. “especially you, park chanyeol."
chanyeol clutches his chest in mock offense. "i'm outraged at the implication that i'm the troublemaker of the group."
sehun ignores the bickering between the two as he catches a glimpse of jongin in his peripheral vision. he side eyes the waiter as he draws close, trying not to overtly leer as he drinks in the male's admirable physique. his breath hitches when jongin arrives at their table, his beauty literally taking sehun's breath away.
“hi, my name is jongin and i’ll be your waiter for this evening. may i take your drink order? and your food order if you’re ready.” jongin beams a warm smile. sehun feels his stomach flip and it has nothing to do with his hunger pangs. jongin is even more handsome up close, and sehun bets that he smells just as good as he looks.
inhaling deeply in an attempt to catch a whiff of the waiter’s scent, sehun lifts the menu from the table, the salt from jongdae’s earlier attack spilling onto his lap. “what the?” he splutters in confusion.
chanyeol and jongdae high five each other and baekhyun comments, “er, looks like you’ve got some white stuff around your crotch area, sehun-ah. do you need a moment in the little boy’s room to clean your little accident up? or maybe you’d like one of us to help you.”
jongin observes sehun and asks with a raised eyebrow, “is that salt? how on earth did salt wind up there?”
sehun lets out an awkward laugh, or rather an attempt at a laugh, sounding more like a sheep giving birth.
“i think he’s trying to seduce you,” baekhyun informs the waiter. “that’s his sex face right there.” sehun kicks baekhyun in the shin. hard. “oww! what was that for?!” he winces as he reaches under the table to rub at his bruised leg.
“dude, that’s my crotch you’re touching!” jongdae exclaims, jumping up from his seat.
“oops, my bad,” baekhyun apologises with a mischievous grin.
chanyeol looks at his two friends with a smirk on his face and kyungsoo hides behind a menu, wishing he had never agreed to their dinner plans.
“so, i take it you guys aren’t ready to order yet?” jongin asks, putting his notepad and pen back into his apron.
“give us a moment, please. sex god here...” chanyeol points to sehun, “...needs some time to decide. being a sex god can be oh so distracting. i’m sure you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
kyungsoo slams his face onto the table. “for the love of god, stop saying ‘sex god’ to the waiter! you guys are so embarrassing, i’m never going out with you in public again!”
waiting for kyungsoo to finish banging his head against the table, sehun greets the waiter. “hi, jongin. i’m ready to order.”
jongin retrieves the notepad and pen, ready to jot down sehun’s meal choice.
sehun chews his on his bottom lip for a few seconds before continuing. “is it possible to order off the menu?”
“i would need ask the chef first, but if we have the ingredients to fulfill the request, then i don’t envision a problem.”
“can i order you?”
“e-excuse me?” the waiter splutters, flustered by the request.
kyungsoo’s face and the table meet again with a loud thud and the other three struggle to contain their snickering. ignoring the others, sehun repeats the question, “can i order you, please?”
“i don’t think adding ‘please’ is going to magically make him agree to the request, sehun. please, for the love of god, shut up and stop hitting on the waiter. now order properly or else i’ll force a muzzle on you whenever we’re out in public!” kyungsoo scolds the youngest of the group.
“how is he going to order if he’s supposed to shut up?” baekhyun quips, immediately shielding his face with his hands. one can never be too careful around do kyungsoo and his killer ninjutsu chokeholds. fortunately for mouthiest member of the group, he's sitting the furthest away from kyungsoo, which prevents him from lashing out at baekhyun (for now).
so instead of his usual violent attacks, kyungsoo settles for a menacing scowl. “yooooou. not another peep or else i’ll force a leash around your neck and tie you to a lamp post outside!”
“yeah, and the only food you’ll get to eat will be our scraps in a doggie bag. get it, doggie bag because it’s like you’re a dog!” chanyeol guffaws at his own joke.
jongin ignores the unruly antics and remains composed despite the creepy sexual overtures. “i can always give you some more time,” he starts, pausing when he hears his voice cracking. he clears his throat before continuing, “though i must add, you are unable to proposition me or any other members of the staff for that matter. any additional advances, implied or not, will result in the immediate ejection of your group. do i make myself clear?”
sehun dry swallows at jongin's stern response. shrinking in his seat, he apologises, “sorry. please forgive my earlier request. it was an attempt to break the ice which clearly went horribly awry.” sehun glances up and is greeted by jongin’s penetrating gaze, staring deep into his soul. the words die on his tongue, his brain replaced with thoughts of kim jongin instead. kim jongin’s brown eyes. kim jongin’s plump lips. sehun’s eyes shift lower down the waiter’s body and his tongue darts out involuntarily. kim jongin’s- “ow! what was that for?!” he complains, recovering from the swift kick to his shin. he glares at his friends, trying to determine the culprit behind the assault.
“so,” jongin prompts, his tone more cold and clipped, his agitation with the group creeping through. “should i give you guys another five minutes or so?”
“brown chicken, brown cow!” sehun blurts out suddenly. he closes his eyes with regret immediately after. he takes a shallow breath and exhales slowly. he knows he’s going to have to explain himself, he’s just not sure how to spin it without making it seem like he’s an extreme pervert, a loser with a lame sense of humour, socially inept, or all of the above.
“brown chicken, brown cow?” the waiter echoes in confusion.
“yeah, sehun-ah. brown chicken, brown cow? what is that?” chanyeol asks, his voice innocent and curious. sehun knows full well that chanyeol knows what it means, in fact, chanyeol was the one who introduced the term to the group.
if looks could kill, the current thorn in sehun’s side would be in a body bag and on its way to the morgue right about now. sehun can feel his nostrils flaring as the blood rushes to his face, no doubt leaving a crimson flush.
“is there something special about the brown chicken, brown cow?” baekhyun chimes in.
sehun growls lowly at the soon-to-be-former friend sitting opposite him. the question of whether he should go on the hunt for new friends comes to his mind unbidden. his best friend of the group, kyungsoo, might be able to make the cut. but the rest, the rest can go and sehun would feel no regret.
“sehun sure likes the brown chicken, brown cow, doesn’t he?” kyungsoo deadpans from the other side of the table.
sehun retracts his last thought, do kyungsoo is the worst of them all. lulling him into a false sense of security and then stabbing him in the back when he least suspects it. it’s the second time kyungsoo has betrayed him today. his adulation of his favourite hyung has been obliterated. the only person left is none other than jongdae and well… sehun looks over to the friend in question.
“yes, please give our little maknae here one hot steaming serving of brown chicken, brown cow.” jongdae lips curl into a devilish grin and before jongin has the opportunity to respond, the male begins to imitate the sounds of bed springs creaking.
yup, i’m done with the lot of them, sehun makes a mental note to ditch his friends as soon as the meal is over.
“is this an inside joke that i’m just not getting?” jongin eyes dart to his fellow wait staff, his comrades, his brothers in arms. the handsome one, kim junmyeon, feigns ignorance as he avoids jongin’s gaze and whistles a cheery tune to himself. the waiter who looks like he belongs in a day care centre, kim minseok, is conveniently nowhere in sight. jongin groans internally, a fake smile plastered on his face.
sehun laughs nervously. “er, brown chicken, brown cow. as in, bow chicka wow wow?” the last syllable is barely audible as sehun trails off, too embarrassed to speak up.
“bow chicka wow wow!” baekhyun, jongdae, and chanyeol chorus.
jongin remains silent, too speechless to articulate a response.
“er, i think we broke him.” baekhyun slowly inches an index finger to the waiter’s face, ready to poke him in the cheek.
sehun intervenes and bats away the instigator’s hand before one of the other waiters call the cops on them. “baek hyung, don’t touch the artwork!” he hisses.
“artwork?!” jongin splutters incredulously.
“if it’s any consolation, i think you’re priceless?” sehun replies meekly before laughing awkwardly.
“oh dear god, this is like a train wreck happening right before my eyes and yet i somehow can’t seem to look away.”
“i feel you, kyungsoo. the cringe is practically tangible,” jongdae remarks in agreement. the group remain frozen in horror.
“i’m going to give you guys some time. i’ll be back in five.” jongin informs the group, shaking his head as he backs away from the table slowly.
“that was brutal!” sehun collapses onto chanyeol’s shoulder once jongin is out of sight.
“there, there. it could happen to the best of us,” chanyeol consoles, running his hand through the sehun’s hair.
sehun has long been known for having a tendency to put his foot in his mouth, but he’s well and truly done it this time. his foot is so far up down this throat, his big toe is poking out of his butt hole. he groans loudly and taking a leaf out of kyungsoo’s book, he slams his head against the table. repeatedly. “why. does. this. always. happen. to. me?” he cries in self pity.
“still think you’re a sex god?” baekhyun asks sarcastically.
sehun’s response is delivered in the form of a wail.
“hey, it’s not that bad, sehun-ah. at least you weren’t escorted from the premises. that’s something, right?” jongdae points out.
“you’re right. as long as i haven’t been booted out of here, the game’s not over yet.” sehun nods his head, steeling his resolve. “i can do this. i can prove to you that i’m a certified…”
“don’t say it. please don’t say it,” kyungsoo pleads.
“... sex god!” sehun finishes confidently. “alright, you guys are cramping my style. it’s time for me to do this solo. han solo.”
“han solo? what does that even mean? what does star wars have to do with this?” jongdae questions, failing to establish the connection.
“sssh,” baekhyun whispers to jongdae. “don’t say anything and let him crash and burn. again.” baekhyun cackles in glee.
“you’re evil, byun baek. evil, i tells you,” jongdae tells him, resting his head on baekhyun’s shoulder.
“kim jongdae, that might have been the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me in the ten years that we’ve been friends,” baekhyun beams, subtly placing his hand over jongdae’s.
“don’t get used to it.”
the hand holding doesn’t go unnoticed by sehun. “i’d hate to interrupt your love confession, but i’ve got my own to make. now, if you’ll excuse me.” sehun pushes his chair back, causing everyone to grimace at the unpleasant scraping noise.
“you did that on purpose, you butthead.” kyungsoo shudders, his hands covering his ears.
sehun sticks out his tongue at his hyung before making his way across the room, swaying his hips sensually with each stride.
“look at him strut. yeah, shake what yo momma gave ya!” jongdae catcalls.
baekhyun sticks two fingers into his mouth, blowing a shrill whistle. “those, my friends, are the eighth and ninth wonder of the world. many a man hath tried to stick their mast into those glorious mounds but all have failed.”
“byunbaek, you're such an arse man,” chanyeol teases as he tries to sneakily rest his own head on kyungsoo’s shoulder, mirroring the two opposite them. unfortunately, kyungsoo has ninja quick reflexes and speedily shifts his shoulders, out of chanyeol’s reach.
“wait, arse space man or arse comma man?" kyungsoo asks, stretching his arms and hitting chanyeol in the face as he does so. “because punctuation makes all the difference. i, for one, concur with the latter.”
“that's not what you were saying last night, kyungsoo. you couldn't get enough of me, screaming high praises and all sorts!” baekhyun grabs the salt shaker and begins arduously sprinkling salt at kyungsoo.
kyungsoo scoffs as he ducks behind the menu for cover. “don't even joke about it, you're making me lose my appetite-”
“ssssh!” chanyeol interrupts, waving his arms to gesture everyone to hush. “sehun's talking to jongin. i wanna hear what they're saying.”
“they're all the way on the other side of the restaurant, chanyeol. i don't even think you’re able to hear them, even with those abnormally humongous ears of yours.” kyungsoo tugs onto one of the giant's ears for added emphasis.
“hey!” chanyeol protests, rubbing his sore ears. “what did my ears ever do to you?”
“everything. they block the screen when we’re watching-”
“pipe down!” chanyeol throws his menu at kyungsoo in frustration.
“you're the one making all the noise!” kyungsoo hisses back, still using his menu as a shield from oncoming onslaughts.
baekhyun’s arm is still flailing about, the salt shaker spraying its contents everywhere. jongdae snatches the shaker out of baekhyun’s grip and points at the youngest of their social circle. “let’s watch the ‘sex god’ in action.”
the group make no attempt to disguise their blatant gawking as they watch their friend engage with the hot waiter. unable to hear their conversation, baekhyun dubs the interaction. “did you come to hit on me again? was the first and second time not enough for you?” he rattles off in a shrill squeak. “uh, about that,” baekhyun continues in a deep gruff voice. “i deluded myself into thinking i was god’s gift to man but i know now that i was gravely mistaken.”
ignoring the others’ requests to quiet down, baekhyun clears his throat before proceeding. “don’t worry about it,” he resumes with the high pitched voice. “speaking of god’s gift to man, who’s your friend over there? the one with the cute mole above his upper lip.” baekhyun switches back to the low grumble, “who, baekhyun? he is super pretty, isn’t he? with those adorable eyes and luscious lips, he’s like-”
jongdae covers baekhyun’s mouth to stop him from blowing his own trumpet any further. his outcry muffled, baekhyun resorts to sticking out his tongue, licking jongdae’s hand, which is withdrawn immediately. “ew man, that’s gross!” jongdae grabs a napkin to wipe off his friend’s saliva. “just so you know, when i peed just before leaving, i was too lazy to wash my hands.”
baekhyun’s eyes widen, horrified at the revelation. he grabs a napkin at lightning speed and wipes his tongue, his face contorted akin to a gargoyle’s.
“dude, just go to the bathroom and wash out your mouth,” kyungsoo advises, his face scrunched in disgust. “you don’t know what kind of diseases you might have contracted.”
“but i might miss the show,” the eldest wails, still furiously scrubbing his tongue.
“oh my god, did sehun just give the waiter his phone?!” chanyeol alerts the group.
“no shit! is hot waiter typing something?”
“dif he juff-” baekhyun removes the napkin from his mouth. “did sehun just ask for his number?”
“and hot waiter is actually giving it to him?! after what just happened?!”
“tell me the kid did not just pwn us.”
“sehun’s got game? really?!”
they watch on in silence, too dumbstruck to crack any jokes or remarks. even as sehun retrieves his phone from the waiter and makes his way back to the table, not a single one of them utters a peep.
sehun seats himself back down, his face void of any expression. “so are we all ready to order?” he asks nonchalantly, picking up a menu and browses through the options.
---
“damn my crappy luck at rock, paper, scissors. i swear minseok hyung and junmyeon are in cahoots or something,” jongin mutters under his breath. “just remain professional and think of the tips. you can get through this without losing your shit. how many times have you served them before? you’ve got this, kim jongin. you’ve got this.”
jongin and his colleagues, junmyeon and minseok, have nicknamed the troublemakers he’s currently assigned to serve that evening as the ‘rowdy bunch,’ the customers from hell. they’re always a handful, with the strangest requests, and to make things worse, they’re lousy tippers. jongin wouldn’t have minded taking their flak had they been generous with their tokens of appreciation.
at least the restaurant isn’t packed, jongin attempts to look on the bright side, things could be worse. he scans the room to check if any of the diners require any assistance or refills. he hears a chair scrape across the floor followed by a wolf whistle. his eyes dart to the point of origin and catches the man with the thin noodle arms and pert butt has risen from his seat. he assumes that sehun, he’s heard the kid’s friends address him by that name, is making his way to the restroom but notices that he’s already passed the hallway leading to the facilities.
the waiter isn’t sure why the male is walking in his direction but as he closes in, jongin’s pretty sure that he’s walking towards him. puzzled as to why sehun would be approaching him, as opposed to gaining his attention by a raised hand or a wave, but if he’s being completely honest with himself, sehun intrigues him. sure, he did just pretty much humiliate himself in front of his friends with his mortifying attempt to… flirt? or at least jongin had presumed that was what the other was trying to do. there’s just something about sehun that was endearing to the waiter, despite his horrific seduction skills, or rather, lack thereof.
“hi, i’m sehun.” sehun rubs the back of his neck nervously. “i just wanted to apologise and i guess, explain what just happened back there?”
jongin notices that sehun actually has kind eyes, a twinkle behind them even. the waiter recalls the first encounter he had had with the other. his first impression had been that the other’s demeanour was quite cold, slightly menacing even due to his face almost always frowning. it was much to his surprise when he had found out that sehun was actually the youngest of his friends. jongin had incorrectly surmised sehun’s age based on his more mature appearance.
now with a bashful sehun standing in front of him, jongin observes that a more innocent childlike nature to the guy. “there’s no need for any explanations, sehun. i’ve heard worse, you should hear some of the things i’ve heard and witnessed on the job.”
jongin sees a wave of relief wash over sehun’s face. “oh really?” sehun laughs and jongin’s feels his heart skipping a beat. “as much as i’m glad to hear that i’m not your most dreadful customer, i’d still like to explain myself. i don’t know if you know how it feels being the youngest of the group,” sehun starts.
jongin glances at his hyungs, minseok and junmyeon. “i think i have an idea.”
sehun exhales softly. “they’re always belittling me and making me feel like i’m incapable.”
“i don’t think you did yourself any favours today,” jongin teases, chuckling softly.
sehun closes his eyes, his lips pouting. “i… that was-”
feeling pity for the other, jongin places a hand on the other’s arm. “let’s just forget the whole thing happened, hmm?” he suggests, giving sehun’s arm a squeeze.
sehun opens his mouth to respond, but the words die in his throat. a tongue pokes out from between his lips and runs along his lower lip. “er, i was wondering if you could do me a big favour? please?”
sehun’s timid personality throws jongin for a loop, his shy behaviour a complete contradiction to the macho bravado he had displayed in front of his companions. “well, that really depends on what it is you want me to do.”
sehun reaches for his phone from his jeans pocket and hands it over to jongin. “i want to prove something to the guys and you’d be doing me a huge solid if you were to give me your number.”
jongin is fully aware that he really shouldn’t be fraternising with a customer, but sehun really does pique his interest. debating on the next course of action, his slim finger hovers above the device’s touch screen.
noticing the waiter’s hesitation, sehun holds his hands up. “i mean, pretend to give me your number. just key in a fake number and pass me back the phone,” he splutters as he tries to clarify his request.
jongin nods his head slowly in understanding. “ah, i see. i got your back.” he keys in a string of digits and returns the phone back to the owner with a smile. “there you go.”
sehun’s smile of gratitude takes jongin’s breath away. “thank you so much! i’m going to, er, go back now. thanks again!” sehun offers the waiter a quick wave before sauntering back to his buddies.
“i wish i could see his face when he finds out,” jongin breathes to himself, grinning from ear to ear as he watches his friend grill him on what had just transpired.
---
“i dare you to eat some mentos with a mouthful of cola.”
kyungsoo scrunches his face in displeasure. “i’m not going to do that, sehun,” he replies, shaking his head in assertion.
“oh, why not?” sehun whines. he leans closer to his hyung, batting his eyelids in an attempt to sway his hyung to change his mind.
“because i like my teeth, thank you very much. why don’t you ask one of the others? they might be stupid enough to actually do it.”
sehun raises one of kyungsoo’s arms and nuzzles into the nape of his neck and feels his body being drawn closer. he sighs contently as the latter takes one of sehun’s hands into his own, affectionately stroking his fingers. “hmm, maybe.”
chanyeol approaches the two currently on the couch and rather than taking a seat in the vacant spot beside sehun, he parks his butt directly in between, or on top rather, kyungsoo and sehun.
“hey!” sehun complains, shifting away from kyungsoo to accommodate the new arrival. “there was a perfectly good space next to me.”
“there was? i didn’t see, sorry.”
“dude, you’re crushing me,” kyungsoo groans as he shoves chanyeol off him.
“you don’t complain when sehun sits on you,” the lanky man points out, hurt that he’s not on the receiving end of the preferential treatment.
“yeah, that’s because i actually like sehun. you’re all limbs and torso and just too long for your own good.”
chanyeol’s cheery expression vanishes, his good spirits crushed by kyungsoo’s harsh words. “i’m only a tiny bit taller than sehun,” he says, barely louder than a whisper.
“what is yeols crying about now?” baekhyun asks, sitting on the floor in front of the settee, by sehun’s legs.
jongdae enters the living room with a bowl of popcorn, one kernel already in between his lips and takes a seat beside baekhyun. “when is he not crying?” he adds, speaking with his mouth full of popcorn.
“ew, say it, don’t spray it!” baekhyun pushes jongdae, sending the bowl of popcorn flying.
they all freeze, their eyes turn to kyungsoo whose gaze remains transfixed at the sight of the floor littered with buttery kernels. baekhyun clamps his teeth on his lower lips and gulps. “i-i brought beer?”
chanyeol swiftly tackles kyungsoo, covering his doe eyes with his large hands. “quick! clean it up before you let out the beast!”
sehun and jongdae jump up and dash to the kitchen, baekhyun already on his knees, sweeping up the popcorn with his bare hands.
“get off me, park chanyeol!” kyungsoo screams, arms and legs flailing in the air.
“hurry up! i can’t contain him for much longer!”
“we’re almost done!” jongdae reports, picking up the last stray kernels off the carpet. he quickly discards of the evidence and gestures for chanyeol to release the enraged little man.
chanyeol backs away from kyungsoo slowly, the latter immediately surges forward to scan the floor. he scrutinises the carpet for any residual stains and crumbs with an eagle eye. deeming the hasty clean up acceptable, he sinks back into the couch. “so, are we going to start this criminal minds marathon, or what?”
---
“jongin, your phone keeps going off.”
jongin pats down his trousers instinctively. his brow furrows when he finds his pockets empty.
“you left it in the staff room,” junmyeon relays, clicking his tongue at the forgetful man. “you’re always leaving your phone places. you should be more careful. you’re lucky that minseok hyung found it on table seven yesterday, someone could’ve easily taken it.”
jongin bows his head. “thanks hyung, i’ll try.” he lightly jogs to the staff room to retrieve his phone. the device vibrates as soon as it’s in his hands and wonders who’s texting him. he unlocks his phone, and almost drops it in shock when he sees a red 99+ symbol on the upper right corner of the messages icon. curious, he presses the screen, opening up the app.
unknown number
is this jonging?
unknown number
jongin*
unknown number
hot waiter duuude lik sett ma loinss on fire hottttttttttttttttt
unknown number
hav u everr noticed ur name is alot loke joining
unknown number
joining of bodayss??????
unknown number
joing in me
unknown number
omggggggg
unknown number
hahahahahahahah
unknown number
u hav a fubby name
unknown number
itz sehun btww
unknown number
sex god sehun****!!!!!!qqq
unknown number
sehun thins u wud look gd witj ponk hair
unknown number
i mean i thing u wud
unknown number
pink&&&
unknown number
goodamitty
jongin scrolls through the texts, working through them systematically, each message growing more and more incoherent. he can’t help but chuckle at the last message, it’s complete gibberish and he’s unable to make heads or tails of its intended meaning but it amuses him nonetheless.
unknown number
hwiiwe eiasooas jaqoe ;)]] yeeesss???????
with the presumption that sehun was most likely inebriated when he’d sent them, jongin pockets the phone and exits the staff room, making his way back to the restaurant floor. it’s quite obvious that sehun is in no state to engage in any form of communication, jongin decides to bide his time and contact sehun the next day.
“he probably won’t even remember sending any of these, should be interesting,” jongin says quietly to himself, the smile showing no signs of relenting.
“is everything okay?” minseok asks the waiter. “you’re smiling to yourself, did something good happen?”
jongin winks at the male. “it's a secret to everybody.”
“what's a secret?” yixing, the restaurant’s sous chef creeps up behind out of nowhere, startling jongin.
“n-nothing, yixing hyung,” jongin stammers before fleeing the scene.
“i wonder what that was about?” yixing asks as he hands minseok a plate to be served to a patron.
minseok shrugs his shoulders. “it might have something to do with the person who's been texting him for the past couple of hours. his phone has been pinging non stop.” minseok grabs a french fry from the plate and pops it into his mouth.
“oh, i see.” yixing transfers more french fries onto the plate. “stop eating the customer's meal. if junmyeon catches you again-”
“yeah, yeah. i know.” minseok pinches another french fry before wiping his greasy fingers on his apron. “just let me know if you catch jongin smiling at his phone, okay?”
yixing glances at the waiter in question. “yeah, oka-”
“oh my god, did you just see that?” minseok exclaims with a mouthful of fries.
“what?” the cook follows minseok’s gaze.
“he just sneaked a peek at his phone and laughed to himself. we need to find out who's been texting him! i'll grab junmyeon and get him up to speed. we just need to wait till he leaves his phone lying around again, which knowing him, we won't have to wait long.”
“what about his passcode lock?” yixing asks as the other beckons junmyeon over.
“don't worry about that, junmyeon caught him one time so he knows what it is.”
the two witness jongin take out his phone again, the biggest grin adorning his face. jongin looks up and realises that he's being watched. he quickly sets the phone down on the table and rushes off in a hurry, his face blushed crimson.
“bring jongin's phone!” minseok mouths to junmyeon. the waiter discreetly slips jongin's phone into his apron pocket before joining the two.
“so...” minseok gestures for junmyeon to hand over the phone. “...let's see who's behind our joinginnie's smiles.”
yixing snatches the phone from minseok’s small hands. “on second thoughts, i don’t think we should infringe on jongin’s privacy.”
“actually, i don’t think we should either,” junmyeon agrees.
minseok sighs with indignation. “fine, whatever. spoilsports.” he grabs the plate of half eaten fries and waves the two goodbye.
---
“make it stop!” baekhyun groans, his hand swatting the closest thing person in proximity.
jongdae yelps out in pain, and gives baekhyun a good few whacks in retaliation. “hey! stop hitting me!”
the offensive racket continues to invade the room. “yah! what is that noise?” kyungsoo covers his ears to block out the disturbance. it ceases a few seconds later, much to everyone's relief.
“is someone playing zelda?” jongdae asks the group, still dodging baekhyun's flailing attacks.
“i think... i think it sounds like lost woods?” baekhyun sits up, relenting in his assault on jongdae. he yawns loudly and rubs his eyes. he looks at jongdae who mirrors his actions. “dude, you've got some serious bed hair.”
jongdae's hand shoots to his head, smoothing out his hair. “well, your morning breath is worse.”
“who's lost?” chanyeol mumbles, his voice thick with sleep. he smacks his lips as he tries to open his eyes.
“yah!” kyungsoo kicks chanyeol dangerously close to his balls. “were you spooning me?”
the loud music fills the room again. “isn't that sehun's ringtone?” a more alert chanyeol looks around the room to locate the owner of said phone. “yah! sehun-ah, someone's calling your phone.”
“make it shut up!” kyungsoo seethes into a cushion, his fists punching the upholstery of the couch.
baekhyun pats the floor around him. “the phone's not here.”
“is it just a figment of our imagination?”
“shut up, jongdae. and for the love of god, someone throw that thing out the window before it drives me crazy!” kyungsoo yells are still muffled by him lying face down into the cushion.
“bruh, are you still drunk?” baekhyun cackles obnoxiously. kyungsoo catapults a cushion and hits him directly in the face. “thanks for the headrest.” he lays back down, resting his head on the cushion.
jongdae repositions himself, snuggling against baekhyun and wrapping a leg around him. he closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep, snoring softly. chanyeol sends a hopeful look to kyungsoo and throws his arms out for kyungsoo's embrace but is denied ruthlessly. “don't even think about it,” kyungsoo warns, backing away from the gangling oaf.
sehun returns to the front room with a toothbrush in his mouth. “waf fat my phone i hearf?” kyungsoo shoots him a menacing glare and he holds his hands up in defense. “waf?”
the phone pings. “that!” kyungsoo screams angrily. “that stupid thing woke us all up.”
sehun takes his toothbrush out of his mouth. “i’m sorry, soo hyung.” he squats by the couch, his hand slipping underneath it. he pulls out his mobile and checks his call log. “shoot, five missed calls from my mum. i forgot to let her know that i was staying over, she’s going to be so pissed.”
“aww,” chanyeol coos. “baby sehunnie still needs to let mummy know where he is?”
kyungsoo wallops the chanyeol in chest. “leave him alone. i think it’s admirable that he’s so considerate about how much his mother worries.”
“thanks, soo hyung.” sehun places his phone on the coffee table and resumes brushing his teeth, but not before sticking out his tongue out at chanyeol.
“yah! go back to the bathroom, i don’t want you dripping all over the floor.” kyungsoo yanks the cushion from under chanyeol and aims it at sehun. with his agile body and quick reflexes, sehun dodges the projectile with ease, the object striking baekhyun and jongdae instead.
the two jerk up, roused from their slumber. still in a daze, jongdae massages his temple, his body movement languid. “woah, the room is spinning. this shit is mad crazy. yo, kyungsoo-ah, how do you make it move like this?”
“go home, jongdae. you’re drunk.”
“so are you, byun baek!”
“fight me!”
they begin to wrestle on the floor, chanyeol encouraging the two from the sidelines. baekhyun emerges victorious, his thick thighs straddling a struggling jongdae, still trying to escape from the other’s hold.
“save it for the bedroom,” kyungsoo calls out to the two of them. “not my bedroom, don’t you dare think about it.”
“you can talk,” baekhyun pants heavily. he slides off jongdae’s body and faces kyungsoo. “you and chanyeol looked mighty comfortable when you were spooning last night.”
chanyeol blushes. “y-you saw that, did you?”
kyungsoo scowls at baekhyun. “w-we weren’t spooning! as if i would ever let that lanky giraffe spoon me!” he jabs chanyeol in the chest several times with his index finger. “and you! don’t you dare continue this charade. there’s no way anything happened between the two of-”
“you were the one who spooned me though!” chanyeol cries out. he tries to evade kyungsoo’s sharp pokes and ends up slipping off the couch, falling to the ground with a loud thud. “i think you owe me an apology. also, i think you need to hoover underneath the couch more often, it’s filthy!”
kyungsoo folds his arms indignantly and scoffs. “now i know you're just making shit up to make me lose my cool but it's not going to work because i know for a fact-” he's interrupted by a hard yank on his shirt's hem, pulling him to the ground.
“look!” chanyeol points out. “what did i say? it's filthy.”
kyungsoo peels himself from the other, kicking chanyeol in the process. “whatever, that still doesn't give you the right to spoon me without my explicit consent!”
“but i already told you that you were the one who spooned me! i should be the one to complain if anything!”
“in your dreams!” kyungsoo spits at the other. “you may have been right about the needing to vacuum underneath the couch, but there's no way in hell i would go anywhere near you so do yourself a favour and stop lying to everyone, yourself included!”
“ouch. that's harsh.” chanyeol raises his head, blinking at the ceiling.
kyungsoo feels a pang in his heart; he didn't mean to hurt his friend’s feelings. before he has the opportunity to apologise for his cruel words, he's startled by the sound of sehun's phone ringing.
“if it's my mum again, just ignore it!” sehun calls from the bathroom.
baekhyun grabs the ringing phone from the table and glances at the caller id. “holy shit!” he exclaims before tossing it to jongdae.
“what the?” jongdae looks down and freezes on the spot.
sehun rushes into the living room after hearing baekhyun's outburst. “what happened?”
“it's jongin?” baekhyun responds. “who’s jongin? wait a second, is that the hot waiter dude from exology?!” he cries out excitedly.
“oh my god! everyone hide!” sehun shrieks out in panic. he immediately drops the floor, covering his face with his hands.
“it's not like he can see us-” kyungsoo is again cut off by chanyeol who’s enveloping the diminutive Kyungsoo with his much larger body, protecting him from the threat of ... absolutely nothing.
baekhyun begins running around the room in a frenzy whilst yelling “i'm too pretty to die!” over and over again. jongdae remains stationary, unable to move a muscle. after what seems to be an entire century, the phone's ringing ceases. jongdae collapses on the floor, gasping for air as if he's just crossed the finish line after running a marathon.
the room is eerily quiet, bar the occasional car driving past seeping through the slightly ajar window. of all the years that the five have been acquainted, this is the first time that the group has managed to keep quiet for more than ten seconds whilst being in the vicinity of each other.
sehun is enjoying the rare peacefulness, he closes his eyes and inhales deeply. he's still not recovered from his hangover, the aftermath of drinking far too much the night prior. he begins to feel drowsy, his eyelids too heavy to keep open. he can feel himself drifting off to dreamland when he's hauled back to reality by the familiar orchestral soundtrack of his ringtone.
sehun throws his body, hurtling toward his phone, his eyes still closed. he peeks at the caller's identity through squinted eyes, hoping and praying that it's his mother and not jongin. it’s jongin. he jumps to his feet, extending his arm as if increasing his proximity to the phone would have any effect. “make it stop!”
“just hang up if you don't want to speak to him," kyungsoo says, void of any emotion.
“but that would be rude!"
“and just letting the phone ring out isn't? whatever, it doesn't concern me." kyungsoo shrugs as he leaves the room.
“where are you going?” sehun whines.
“i'm going to get the vacuum cleaner. i need to hoover underneath the couch, it’s bothering me.”
sehun stamps his feet in a tantrum. “are you serious? you're abandoning me?! what am i going to do about this?” he shakes the still ringing phone. kyungsoo rolls his eyes and double backs to approach a distressed and flailing sehun.
“give it to me!” jongdae cuts in, snatching the phone off sehun and scampers to the kitchen, sehun following in his footsteps. jongdae eyes dart across the room and his eyes light up when they land on the rice cooker. he rushes over, opens the lid and tosses the phone inside. he shuts the lid, and dusts off his hands. “there, problem solved.”
“how did that help?" sehun asks incredulously as jongdae slips past him.
“out of sight, out of mind. come on, let's see if we can trick chanyeol into shaving off his eyebrows.” jongdae grabs sehun by the wrist and drags him toward the front room. “hey, yeollie! sehun and i think you would look really cool if you were to shave a line in one of your eyebrows. how about i do it for you?”
“what did you do in my kitchen?” kyungsoo asks, eyeing the two of the suspiciously as they enter the room.
jongdae throws his hands in the air. “we didn’t do nothing!” he shoots a wink at sehun.
“what about the one time you peed into his bottle of apple juice?” baekhyun doubles over in a fit of laughter.
“i only did that two times!”
“that’s two times too many! and after the first time, you promised you wouldn’t-” kyungsoo doesn’t bother to finish the sentence. instead, he exits the room, scurrying to check out the contents of his refrigerator. he returns moments later, still squinting at jongdae.
“you satisfied now? i don’t know if i should be offended that you didn’t believe me.” jongdae takes a seat beside baekhyun, swinging an arm over his shoulder.
“guys, let’s backtrack a little. i think we’re forgetting to discuss the important matter at hand,” chanyeol cuts in. “sehun-ah, i think you need to tell us all, and don’t withhold anything...” chanyeol places a hand on each shoulder and locks eyes with the younger male.
hoping to preempt chanyeol’s questioning him about how he managed to score jongin’s number, he tries to figure out the answer for himself. he’s still in a state of disbelief. who would’ve thought that jongin would actually give him his real phone number? especially after that spectacularly disastrous attempt to seduce the waiter. sehun cringes at the memory, it was no doubt the most embarrassing moment to have transpired in the history of mankind, dinosaurkind, anythingkind. he shakes his head slowly and takes a deep breath. “look, i don’t know why-”
chanyeol cuts him off, “do you really think i could pull off shaving a line into my eyebrow?”
One | Two
Prompt: #11
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~18500 words
Side pairings: Baekhyun/Chen, Chanyeol/ D.O., very slight Suho/Lay
Summary: Sehun is a sex god. (his friends will tell you otherwise.)
Warning(s): Sehun.
Notes: massive shout out to my beta, g. and a big thank you to all my cheerleaders, your support/encouragement did not go unappreciated. to the prompter, i really do hope you enjoy this fic. (please?)
“hello? earth to sehun?” baekhyun snaps his fingers, inches away from sehun’s face.
sehun’s jaw slackens, unable to construct actual words into a sentence. “guhhh.”
kyungsoo tuts in disapproval and places his hand under the boy’s chin, pushing up to close his mouth. “don’t leave your mouth hanging open like that, sehun. we’re in public, it’s uncouth.”
sehun turns to face the group, blinking at his friends several times. “wait, what? what did i miss? who’s uncool?” he asks distractedly, turning his body again, his gaze shifting away from the others.
“uncouth,” kyungsoo repeats, shaking his head..
“what are you looking at, sehun?” baekhyun asks, following the other’s line of sight. “or maybe i should ask, who are you looking at?” baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows.
chanyeol and jongdae cough exaggeratedly, the former relentlessly poking sehun in the ribs. “so tell us, little sehunnie, which one of the waiters over there tickles your pickle?” chanyeol, enquires with a toothy grin.
“yeah, sure. sounds good to me,” sehun responds, his attention still preoccupied with the group of waiters gathered several tables away.
kyungsoo rolls his eyes and picks up the menu from the tabletop. “i give up, just leave him be.”
chanyeol waves his hand in front of sehun’s face, an effort to regain the youngest’s attention. however, his attempts are all in vain, sehun’s face still remains aligned in the direction of the wait staff and his back to chanyeol. seeing an opening to play a prank, jongdae grabs the salt dispenser from the table and begins furiously shaking the plastic container, depositing salt granules all over sehun’s menu.
baekhyun begins to cackle loudly at jongdae’s practical joke, encouraging the latter to jerk his hand more vigorously. “oh my god, jongdae. you look like you’re giving that salt shaker a handjob,” baekhyun bellows as he tilts his head back, roaring with laughter.
“you would know, wouldn’t you? seeing as the only action you get is from your own hand!” jongdae shoots back.
“buuuuuurn!” chanyeol adds, adding fuel to the fire. he laughs uncontrollably; limbs flailing and eyes twitching.
baekhyun, not backing down from the insult, grabs the pepper shaker and begins to flick the container at his friend. “take that! and you, you wanna know what a real burn feels like? how about i grab the chilli flakes and rub it into your eyes, huh?” he threatens as his hand hovers over the other dispenser.
“you wouldn’t dare!” chanyeol takes a preemptive strike and grabs the ketchup and mayonnaise bottles, flicks the caps open, poised and ready to squeeze should baekhyun follow through on his threat.
“oh my god, you guys are supposed to be the hyungs. what kind of example are you setting for sehun?” kyungsoo clicks his tongue in disapproval.
“he’s not even paying attention, he’s too busy getting a hard on for-” baekhyun is cut off by jongdae forcing his mouth open and chanyeol squeezing a generous helping of ketchup into it. the male splutters as he swallows the tomato sauce, banging his fist against the table. “you shits know how much i hate ketchup!”
the loud racket disturbs sehun from his attempt to eavesdrop. he throws an arm behind him, swatting the air. “keep it down!” he hushes the group, gaze still locked and loaded onto his target.
“whose pants are you trying to get into?” jongdae asks, settling down after evading baekhyun’s effort to clobber him. “maybe we can help you?”
sehun whips his body to face the group, his brows furrowed in a deep scowl. “just gimme a second, please?” he pleads desperately. he’s ready to bust out some gwiyomi aegyo moves if it gets them to keep their traps shut.
“come on guys, let’s just keep it down and mull over what we’re going to order,” kyungsoo pipes up, trying to mediate the situation.
“thanks, soo hyung.” sehun shoots kyungsoo a smile of appreciation before turning back to the staff across the room.
sehun and his group of friends-baekhyun, jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo-are escorted to their regular table by the window immediately. they would usually have had to wait at least twenty minutes for their spot to become available without calling in advance. kyungsoo had gotten fed up with always having to be the one to book their table-no one else could be bothered or would conveniently forget-and gave up months ago. sehun is surprised to find the restaurant unexpectedly empty during the dinner rush. with only a few patrons scattered throughout the restaurant the waiters had time to congregate around the ‘water cooler,’ gossiping about who knows what, as opposed to their usual mad dashes to fetch plates and take orders.
‘exology’ isn’t a particularly fancy restaurant but it still manages to attract a decent clientele due to its appealing qualities: an affordable menu and top notch service. it’s those qualities that the restaurant become a regular destination for whenever sehun and his friends scheduled dinner plans. the ridiculously handsome wait staff probably played a role too, let’s face it, who doesn’t like a bit of sweet eye candy to go with their meal? sehun sure as hell likes it and has had his eye on one waiter in particular for a while now.
jongin. kim jongin.
sehun has observed many things about the waiter during his frequent visits. the first was his endearing crescent eye smile and warm hearty laughs. sehun began to discover other habits bit by bit, such as his tendency to affectionately slap the unfortunate person closest to him whenever he finds something extremely amusing. or the way he glides across the open space, so full of grace, as if he were a ballet dancer.
he can’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell for the waiter’s charms, but there’s one thing he can be certain of; oh sehun has a big fat crush on one kim jongin.
sehun watches the waiter and catches him playing rock, paper, scissors with his colleagues for reasons unknown. sehun questions if this is really the way the waiters choose to kill time around here and how utterly tragic it is if that were the case. he hears the other two waiters cheer and whoop as they high five each other, while jongin buries his face in his hands. sehun concludes that jongin must've lost the game, his reaction to the defeat is too adorable for sehun to articulate. instead, he grins at the spectacle and continues to spy on the waiter in silence, not caring one bit that he's exhibiting asocial behaviour whilst in the presence of friends.
“oh please! porn doesn’t count, 1080p or otherwise!” chanyeol yells at jongdae, snapping sehun out of his trance.
“what’s going on?” sehun questions, unable to fathom the current topic of conversation. did chanyeol just say something about porn? sehun must’ve misheard him, though on second thoughts, it is chanyeol we’re talking about and it really wouldn’t surprise him if chanyeol discussed his porn preferences with anyone, stranger or otherwise. he would go as far as to say that chanyeol would probably feel no shame in revealing to his grandma exactly how many hours a week he indulged in watching explicit videos.
kyungsoo sighs in exasperation, his patience levels clearly running low. “the idiots are arguing over who has the most game.”
true to kyungsoo’s words, sehun watches as the other three squabble over who has the best pick up lines and who can score the most dates. “guys,” he interrupts the heated debate, “this isn’t even worth arguing about. the answer is pretty damn obvious.”
“finally! someone’s speaking sense,” chanyeol announces, giving sehun a good hard whack on the back, the sound resonating across the table, before resting an arm on his shoulder. sehun grimaces in pain and shoves the unsuspecting chanyeol off him. “hey!” he protests.
sehun ignores the his friend and resumes expressing his opinion on the matter at hand, “we all know that it’s me.”
“what’s you?” baekhyun and jongdae ask in unison with curious eyes.
“i’m the sex god,” sehun clarifies with a straight face.
jongdae and baekhyun look at each other before bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. chanyeol joins in and clutches his stomach as he wheezes, gasping for air. much to sehun’s shock and horror, kyungsoo is also giggling, albeit more discreetly than the others, but it doesn’t make the betrayal hurt any less.
he’d expected the reaction from the three stooges but not from his trusted hyung and the cut runs deep. “et tu, kyungsoo hyung? et tu?” sehun sighs, shaking his head in disbelief.
kyungsoo avoids eye contact, attempting to halt his laughter and failing miserably. “i’m sorry, sehunnie. but-”
“you?! a sex god?” baekhyun interjects, struggling to breathe as he gasps for air. “what have you been smoking, seriously?!”
“oh my god, don’t repeat it,” jongdae requests, holding his hands in the air. “the cringe is too strong. it physically hurts me.”
sehun reaches over and slaps the back of baekhyun’s head. “i swear to god, i will throttle you all if you don’t stop laughing! i wasn’t even trying to make a joke.”
“that’s what makes it so funny,” chanyeol says, wiping the tears from his eyes. “the fact that you were serious about it. oh my god, i cannot. man, that has got to be the best line, ever. effing gold.”
“stop teasing him, he’s about to cry.” kyungsoo reaches for sehun’s hand but the latter recoils before the former is able to establish physical contact.
“i’m not about to cry, thank you very much. i don’t need you fighting my battle for me,” sehun spits at kyungsoo. he doesn’t appreciate it when kyungsoo coddles him like a child. it’s not like he’s that much older anyway, he’s only one year his senior.
“aww, is little sehunnie a big boy now?” jongdae coos patronisingly.
“well, i’m crying. i can’t remember the last time i laughed this hard. thanks, bruh.” chanyeol raises a clenched fist and leaves his arm extended. “don’t leave me hanging, jongdae. come on, braaaaaah.” he smiles with satisfaction when jongdae finally concedes and fistbumps him. "sweeeet."
"you think it's hilarious when i say i'm a sex god, yet you've got this loser here begging for a fistbump," sehun mutters bitterly under his breath.
"don't hate, appreciate," chanyeol laughs as he grabs sehun by the shoulders and gives him a little shake.
jongdae reaches out for chanyeol's hand, moulds it into a balled fist and knocks his own against it.
"what was that all about?" chanyeol asks in confusion.
"i had to take back my fistbump."
"what, whyyyy?" chanyeol whines as he attempts to grab jongdae's hand to coerce him into giving back the bump.
"okay, i think it's fair to say that i'm the only one who has any game, yo," baekhyun announces as he shakes his head at Chanyeol and Jongdae, his lips pursed in judgment.
"I. AM. A. SEX GOD!" sehun screeches, his voice several octaves higher than usual, startling the group. "and baek hyung, don't you even deny it. you grab my arse at every opportunity because you get enough of this jiggly butt."
jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo whip their heads to face the accused boy, their intense stares causing baekhyun to blush. "it’s just nice to squeeze, okay?" baekhyun whispers meekly.
"and he's not the only one who thinks so, i know y'all tell me to walk on ahead so you can check out my booty." sehun folds his arms and huffs in indignation.
kyungsoo snorts. "please get over yourself, sehun. how conceited can you be?"
sehun exhales heavily and runs a hand through his hair. "look, how can i convince you that i'm the world's most prolific sex god?"
"you can stop referring to yourself as a 'sex god' for one thing. bragging about your self proclaimed sex god status isn't exactly impressive," kyungsoo remarks.
“pictures or it never happened!” jongdae chimes in.
kyungsoo continues, ignoring jongdae. "if someone vouches, then maybe, i’ll consider it. though, it does go without saying that you're not allowed to bribe or coerce anyone into testifying for you."
"how about i demonstrate for you guys? will you believe me then?"
the group look at each other. "do go on," baekhyun encourages.
"i'll work my sex god magic on our waiter." sehun proposes. he cracks his knuckles before breathing into his palm and sniffing it. he nods in satisfaction that his breath doesn’t reek of any foul odours.
"sounds like a plan, i wonder which waiter will be serving us tonight?" jongdae ponders. "the one who looks like he's ten years old but is apparently older than all of us? the dude who won't quit with all the dad jokes and puns, despite our subtle hints for him to stop, or the really sexy guy who exudes sex? now, he is the definition of sex god. you could learn a thing or two from him, sehun-ah."
"agreed." chanyeol sighs dreamily as he ogles the waiter, practically undressing him with his eyes. kyungsoo jabs an elbow into his sides.
"well, lucky for us then, he's going to be our server today," sehun voices his prediction, the reason behind the rock, paper, scissors game becoming apparent to him.
kyungsoo cocks his head at sehun. "how would you know that?"
"don't tell me," baekhyun cuts in, "are you a psychic sex god?"
"no..." sehun gives baekhyun the finger. "...he lost to the other two in a game of rock, paper, scissors. i think they were playing to see who would have to wait on us."
"we're not that bad, are we?" chanyeol asks whilst tearing his napkin into shreds, littering the table.
kyungsoo tuts as he swats chanyeol's hands away. he bundles the scraps into a ball and stuffs them into chanyeol’s jacket pocket. "stop that! this is exactly why they groan whenever they see us coming."
"they wish they could see us coming." baekhyun wriggles his eyebrows as he over enunciates the last word. the guy just couldn’t resist a sexual innuendo, whenever and wherever the opportunity arose.
kyungsoo rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time. "i have no idea why i'm still friends with you morons." he glances up and noticed the graceful waiter approaching the table. "sehun was right though, the sexy waiter is coming over. everyone be on their best behaviour.” his gaze hones in on its target. “especially you, park chanyeol."
chanyeol clutches his chest in mock offense. "i'm outraged at the implication that i'm the troublemaker of the group."
sehun ignores the bickering between the two as he catches a glimpse of jongin in his peripheral vision. he side eyes the waiter as he draws close, trying not to overtly leer as he drinks in the male's admirable physique. his breath hitches when jongin arrives at their table, his beauty literally taking sehun's breath away.
“hi, my name is jongin and i’ll be your waiter for this evening. may i take your drink order? and your food order if you’re ready.” jongin beams a warm smile. sehun feels his stomach flip and it has nothing to do with his hunger pangs. jongin is even more handsome up close, and sehun bets that he smells just as good as he looks.
inhaling deeply in an attempt to catch a whiff of the waiter’s scent, sehun lifts the menu from the table, the salt from jongdae’s earlier attack spilling onto his lap. “what the?” he splutters in confusion.
chanyeol and jongdae high five each other and baekhyun comments, “er, looks like you’ve got some white stuff around your crotch area, sehun-ah. do you need a moment in the little boy’s room to clean your little accident up? or maybe you’d like one of us to help you.”
jongin observes sehun and asks with a raised eyebrow, “is that salt? how on earth did salt wind up there?”
sehun lets out an awkward laugh, or rather an attempt at a laugh, sounding more like a sheep giving birth.
“i think he’s trying to seduce you,” baekhyun informs the waiter. “that’s his sex face right there.” sehun kicks baekhyun in the shin. hard. “oww! what was that for?!” he winces as he reaches under the table to rub at his bruised leg.
“dude, that’s my crotch you’re touching!” jongdae exclaims, jumping up from his seat.
“oops, my bad,” baekhyun apologises with a mischievous grin.
chanyeol looks at his two friends with a smirk on his face and kyungsoo hides behind a menu, wishing he had never agreed to their dinner plans.
“so, i take it you guys aren’t ready to order yet?” jongin asks, putting his notepad and pen back into his apron.
“give us a moment, please. sex god here...” chanyeol points to sehun, “...needs some time to decide. being a sex god can be oh so distracting. i’m sure you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
kyungsoo slams his face onto the table. “for the love of god, stop saying ‘sex god’ to the waiter! you guys are so embarrassing, i’m never going out with you in public again!”
waiting for kyungsoo to finish banging his head against the table, sehun greets the waiter. “hi, jongin. i’m ready to order.”
jongin retrieves the notepad and pen, ready to jot down sehun’s meal choice.
sehun chews his on his bottom lip for a few seconds before continuing. “is it possible to order off the menu?”
“i would need ask the chef first, but if we have the ingredients to fulfill the request, then i don’t envision a problem.”
“can i order you?”
“e-excuse me?” the waiter splutters, flustered by the request.
kyungsoo’s face and the table meet again with a loud thud and the other three struggle to contain their snickering. ignoring the others, sehun repeats the question, “can i order you, please?”
“i don’t think adding ‘please’ is going to magically make him agree to the request, sehun. please, for the love of god, shut up and stop hitting on the waiter. now order properly or else i’ll force a muzzle on you whenever we’re out in public!” kyungsoo scolds the youngest of the group.
“how is he going to order if he’s supposed to shut up?” baekhyun quips, immediately shielding his face with his hands. one can never be too careful around do kyungsoo and his killer ninjutsu chokeholds. fortunately for mouthiest member of the group, he's sitting the furthest away from kyungsoo, which prevents him from lashing out at baekhyun (for now).
so instead of his usual violent attacks, kyungsoo settles for a menacing scowl. “yooooou. not another peep or else i’ll force a leash around your neck and tie you to a lamp post outside!”
“yeah, and the only food you’ll get to eat will be our scraps in a doggie bag. get it, doggie bag because it’s like you’re a dog!” chanyeol guffaws at his own joke.
jongin ignores the unruly antics and remains composed despite the creepy sexual overtures. “i can always give you some more time,” he starts, pausing when he hears his voice cracking. he clears his throat before continuing, “though i must add, you are unable to proposition me or any other members of the staff for that matter. any additional advances, implied or not, will result in the immediate ejection of your group. do i make myself clear?”
sehun dry swallows at jongin's stern response. shrinking in his seat, he apologises, “sorry. please forgive my earlier request. it was an attempt to break the ice which clearly went horribly awry.” sehun glances up and is greeted by jongin’s penetrating gaze, staring deep into his soul. the words die on his tongue, his brain replaced with thoughts of kim jongin instead. kim jongin’s brown eyes. kim jongin’s plump lips. sehun’s eyes shift lower down the waiter’s body and his tongue darts out involuntarily. kim jongin’s- “ow! what was that for?!” he complains, recovering from the swift kick to his shin. he glares at his friends, trying to determine the culprit behind the assault.
“so,” jongin prompts, his tone more cold and clipped, his agitation with the group creeping through. “should i give you guys another five minutes or so?”
“brown chicken, brown cow!” sehun blurts out suddenly. he closes his eyes with regret immediately after. he takes a shallow breath and exhales slowly. he knows he’s going to have to explain himself, he’s just not sure how to spin it without making it seem like he’s an extreme pervert, a loser with a lame sense of humour, socially inept, or all of the above.
“brown chicken, brown cow?” the waiter echoes in confusion.
“yeah, sehun-ah. brown chicken, brown cow? what is that?” chanyeol asks, his voice innocent and curious. sehun knows full well that chanyeol knows what it means, in fact, chanyeol was the one who introduced the term to the group.
if looks could kill, the current thorn in sehun’s side would be in a body bag and on its way to the morgue right about now. sehun can feel his nostrils flaring as the blood rushes to his face, no doubt leaving a crimson flush.
“is there something special about the brown chicken, brown cow?” baekhyun chimes in.
sehun growls lowly at the soon-to-be-former friend sitting opposite him. the question of whether he should go on the hunt for new friends comes to his mind unbidden. his best friend of the group, kyungsoo, might be able to make the cut. but the rest, the rest can go and sehun would feel no regret.
“sehun sure likes the brown chicken, brown cow, doesn’t he?” kyungsoo deadpans from the other side of the table.
sehun retracts his last thought, do kyungsoo is the worst of them all. lulling him into a false sense of security and then stabbing him in the back when he least suspects it. it’s the second time kyungsoo has betrayed him today. his adulation of his favourite hyung has been obliterated. the only person left is none other than jongdae and well… sehun looks over to the friend in question.
“yes, please give our little maknae here one hot steaming serving of brown chicken, brown cow.” jongdae lips curl into a devilish grin and before jongin has the opportunity to respond, the male begins to imitate the sounds of bed springs creaking.
yup, i’m done with the lot of them, sehun makes a mental note to ditch his friends as soon as the meal is over.
“is this an inside joke that i’m just not getting?” jongin eyes dart to his fellow wait staff, his comrades, his brothers in arms. the handsome one, kim junmyeon, feigns ignorance as he avoids jongin’s gaze and whistles a cheery tune to himself. the waiter who looks like he belongs in a day care centre, kim minseok, is conveniently nowhere in sight. jongin groans internally, a fake smile plastered on his face.
sehun laughs nervously. “er, brown chicken, brown cow. as in, bow chicka wow wow?” the last syllable is barely audible as sehun trails off, too embarrassed to speak up.
“bow chicka wow wow!” baekhyun, jongdae, and chanyeol chorus.
jongin remains silent, too speechless to articulate a response.
“er, i think we broke him.” baekhyun slowly inches an index finger to the waiter’s face, ready to poke him in the cheek.
sehun intervenes and bats away the instigator’s hand before one of the other waiters call the cops on them. “baek hyung, don’t touch the artwork!” he hisses.
“artwork?!” jongin splutters incredulously.
“if it’s any consolation, i think you’re priceless?” sehun replies meekly before laughing awkwardly.
“oh dear god, this is like a train wreck happening right before my eyes and yet i somehow can’t seem to look away.”
“i feel you, kyungsoo. the cringe is practically tangible,” jongdae remarks in agreement. the group remain frozen in horror.
“i’m going to give you guys some time. i’ll be back in five.” jongin informs the group, shaking his head as he backs away from the table slowly.
“that was brutal!” sehun collapses onto chanyeol’s shoulder once jongin is out of sight.
“there, there. it could happen to the best of us,” chanyeol consoles, running his hand through the sehun’s hair.
sehun has long been known for having a tendency to put his foot in his mouth, but he’s well and truly done it this time. his foot is so far up down this throat, his big toe is poking out of his butt hole. he groans loudly and taking a leaf out of kyungsoo’s book, he slams his head against the table. repeatedly. “why. does. this. always. happen. to. me?” he cries in self pity.
“still think you’re a sex god?” baekhyun asks sarcastically.
sehun’s response is delivered in the form of a wail.
“hey, it’s not that bad, sehun-ah. at least you weren’t escorted from the premises. that’s something, right?” jongdae points out.
“you’re right. as long as i haven’t been booted out of here, the game’s not over yet.” sehun nods his head, steeling his resolve. “i can do this. i can prove to you that i’m a certified…”
“don’t say it. please don’t say it,” kyungsoo pleads.
“... sex god!” sehun finishes confidently. “alright, you guys are cramping my style. it’s time for me to do this solo. han solo.”
“han solo? what does that even mean? what does star wars have to do with this?” jongdae questions, failing to establish the connection.
“sssh,” baekhyun whispers to jongdae. “don’t say anything and let him crash and burn. again.” baekhyun cackles in glee.
“you’re evil, byun baek. evil, i tells you,” jongdae tells him, resting his head on baekhyun’s shoulder.
“kim jongdae, that might have been the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me in the ten years that we’ve been friends,” baekhyun beams, subtly placing his hand over jongdae’s.
“don’t get used to it.”
the hand holding doesn’t go unnoticed by sehun. “i’d hate to interrupt your love confession, but i’ve got my own to make. now, if you’ll excuse me.” sehun pushes his chair back, causing everyone to grimace at the unpleasant scraping noise.
“you did that on purpose, you butthead.” kyungsoo shudders, his hands covering his ears.
sehun sticks out his tongue at his hyung before making his way across the room, swaying his hips sensually with each stride.
“look at him strut. yeah, shake what yo momma gave ya!” jongdae catcalls.
baekhyun sticks two fingers into his mouth, blowing a shrill whistle. “those, my friends, are the eighth and ninth wonder of the world. many a man hath tried to stick their mast into those glorious mounds but all have failed.”
“byunbaek, you're such an arse man,” chanyeol teases as he tries to sneakily rest his own head on kyungsoo’s shoulder, mirroring the two opposite them. unfortunately, kyungsoo has ninja quick reflexes and speedily shifts his shoulders, out of chanyeol’s reach.
“wait, arse space man or arse comma man?" kyungsoo asks, stretching his arms and hitting chanyeol in the face as he does so. “because punctuation makes all the difference. i, for one, concur with the latter.”
“that's not what you were saying last night, kyungsoo. you couldn't get enough of me, screaming high praises and all sorts!” baekhyun grabs the salt shaker and begins arduously sprinkling salt at kyungsoo.
kyungsoo scoffs as he ducks behind the menu for cover. “don't even joke about it, you're making me lose my appetite-”
“ssssh!” chanyeol interrupts, waving his arms to gesture everyone to hush. “sehun's talking to jongin. i wanna hear what they're saying.”
“they're all the way on the other side of the restaurant, chanyeol. i don't even think you’re able to hear them, even with those abnormally humongous ears of yours.” kyungsoo tugs onto one of the giant's ears for added emphasis.
“hey!” chanyeol protests, rubbing his sore ears. “what did my ears ever do to you?”
“everything. they block the screen when we’re watching-”
“pipe down!” chanyeol throws his menu at kyungsoo in frustration.
“you're the one making all the noise!” kyungsoo hisses back, still using his menu as a shield from oncoming onslaughts.
baekhyun’s arm is still flailing about, the salt shaker spraying its contents everywhere. jongdae snatches the shaker out of baekhyun’s grip and points at the youngest of their social circle. “let’s watch the ‘sex god’ in action.”
the group make no attempt to disguise their blatant gawking as they watch their friend engage with the hot waiter. unable to hear their conversation, baekhyun dubs the interaction. “did you come to hit on me again? was the first and second time not enough for you?” he rattles off in a shrill squeak. “uh, about that,” baekhyun continues in a deep gruff voice. “i deluded myself into thinking i was god’s gift to man but i know now that i was gravely mistaken.”
ignoring the others’ requests to quiet down, baekhyun clears his throat before proceeding. “don’t worry about it,” he resumes with the high pitched voice. “speaking of god’s gift to man, who’s your friend over there? the one with the cute mole above his upper lip.” baekhyun switches back to the low grumble, “who, baekhyun? he is super pretty, isn’t he? with those adorable eyes and luscious lips, he’s like-”
jongdae covers baekhyun’s mouth to stop him from blowing his own trumpet any further. his outcry muffled, baekhyun resorts to sticking out his tongue, licking jongdae’s hand, which is withdrawn immediately. “ew man, that’s gross!” jongdae grabs a napkin to wipe off his friend’s saliva. “just so you know, when i peed just before leaving, i was too lazy to wash my hands.”
baekhyun’s eyes widen, horrified at the revelation. he grabs a napkin at lightning speed and wipes his tongue, his face contorted akin to a gargoyle’s.
“dude, just go to the bathroom and wash out your mouth,” kyungsoo advises, his face scrunched in disgust. “you don’t know what kind of diseases you might have contracted.”
“but i might miss the show,” the eldest wails, still furiously scrubbing his tongue.
“oh my god, did sehun just give the waiter his phone?!” chanyeol alerts the group.
“no shit! is hot waiter typing something?”
“dif he juff-” baekhyun removes the napkin from his mouth. “did sehun just ask for his number?”
“and hot waiter is actually giving it to him?! after what just happened?!”
“tell me the kid did not just pwn us.”
“sehun’s got game? really?!”
they watch on in silence, too dumbstruck to crack any jokes or remarks. even as sehun retrieves his phone from the waiter and makes his way back to the table, not a single one of them utters a peep.
sehun seats himself back down, his face void of any expression. “so are we all ready to order?” he asks nonchalantly, picking up a menu and browses through the options.
---
“damn my crappy luck at rock, paper, scissors. i swear minseok hyung and junmyeon are in cahoots or something,” jongin mutters under his breath. “just remain professional and think of the tips. you can get through this without losing your shit. how many times have you served them before? you’ve got this, kim jongin. you’ve got this.”
jongin and his colleagues, junmyeon and minseok, have nicknamed the troublemakers he’s currently assigned to serve that evening as the ‘rowdy bunch,’ the customers from hell. they’re always a handful, with the strangest requests, and to make things worse, they’re lousy tippers. jongin wouldn’t have minded taking their flak had they been generous with their tokens of appreciation.
at least the restaurant isn’t packed, jongin attempts to look on the bright side, things could be worse. he scans the room to check if any of the diners require any assistance or refills. he hears a chair scrape across the floor followed by a wolf whistle. his eyes dart to the point of origin and catches the man with the thin noodle arms and pert butt has risen from his seat. he assumes that sehun, he’s heard the kid’s friends address him by that name, is making his way to the restroom but notices that he’s already passed the hallway leading to the facilities.
the waiter isn’t sure why the male is walking in his direction but as he closes in, jongin’s pretty sure that he’s walking towards him. puzzled as to why sehun would be approaching him, as opposed to gaining his attention by a raised hand or a wave, but if he’s being completely honest with himself, sehun intrigues him. sure, he did just pretty much humiliate himself in front of his friends with his mortifying attempt to… flirt? or at least jongin had presumed that was what the other was trying to do. there’s just something about sehun that was endearing to the waiter, despite his horrific seduction skills, or rather, lack thereof.
“hi, i’m sehun.” sehun rubs the back of his neck nervously. “i just wanted to apologise and i guess, explain what just happened back there?”
jongin notices that sehun actually has kind eyes, a twinkle behind them even. the waiter recalls the first encounter he had had with the other. his first impression had been that the other’s demeanour was quite cold, slightly menacing even due to his face almost always frowning. it was much to his surprise when he had found out that sehun was actually the youngest of his friends. jongin had incorrectly surmised sehun’s age based on his more mature appearance.
now with a bashful sehun standing in front of him, jongin observes that a more innocent childlike nature to the guy. “there’s no need for any explanations, sehun. i’ve heard worse, you should hear some of the things i’ve heard and witnessed on the job.”
jongin sees a wave of relief wash over sehun’s face. “oh really?” sehun laughs and jongin’s feels his heart skipping a beat. “as much as i’m glad to hear that i’m not your most dreadful customer, i’d still like to explain myself. i don’t know if you know how it feels being the youngest of the group,” sehun starts.
jongin glances at his hyungs, minseok and junmyeon. “i think i have an idea.”
sehun exhales softly. “they’re always belittling me and making me feel like i’m incapable.”
“i don’t think you did yourself any favours today,” jongin teases, chuckling softly.
sehun closes his eyes, his lips pouting. “i… that was-”
feeling pity for the other, jongin places a hand on the other’s arm. “let’s just forget the whole thing happened, hmm?” he suggests, giving sehun’s arm a squeeze.
sehun opens his mouth to respond, but the words die in his throat. a tongue pokes out from between his lips and runs along his lower lip. “er, i was wondering if you could do me a big favour? please?”
sehun’s timid personality throws jongin for a loop, his shy behaviour a complete contradiction to the macho bravado he had displayed in front of his companions. “well, that really depends on what it is you want me to do.”
sehun reaches for his phone from his jeans pocket and hands it over to jongin. “i want to prove something to the guys and you’d be doing me a huge solid if you were to give me your number.”
jongin is fully aware that he really shouldn’t be fraternising with a customer, but sehun really does pique his interest. debating on the next course of action, his slim finger hovers above the device’s touch screen.
noticing the waiter’s hesitation, sehun holds his hands up. “i mean, pretend to give me your number. just key in a fake number and pass me back the phone,” he splutters as he tries to clarify his request.
jongin nods his head slowly in understanding. “ah, i see. i got your back.” he keys in a string of digits and returns the phone back to the owner with a smile. “there you go.”
sehun’s smile of gratitude takes jongin’s breath away. “thank you so much! i’m going to, er, go back now. thanks again!” sehun offers the waiter a quick wave before sauntering back to his buddies.
“i wish i could see his face when he finds out,” jongin breathes to himself, grinning from ear to ear as he watches his friend grill him on what had just transpired.
---
“i dare you to eat some mentos with a mouthful of cola.”
kyungsoo scrunches his face in displeasure. “i’m not going to do that, sehun,” he replies, shaking his head in assertion.
“oh, why not?” sehun whines. he leans closer to his hyung, batting his eyelids in an attempt to sway his hyung to change his mind.
“because i like my teeth, thank you very much. why don’t you ask one of the others? they might be stupid enough to actually do it.”
sehun raises one of kyungsoo’s arms and nuzzles into the nape of his neck and feels his body being drawn closer. he sighs contently as the latter takes one of sehun’s hands into his own, affectionately stroking his fingers. “hmm, maybe.”
chanyeol approaches the two currently on the couch and rather than taking a seat in the vacant spot beside sehun, he parks his butt directly in between, or on top rather, kyungsoo and sehun.
“hey!” sehun complains, shifting away from kyungsoo to accommodate the new arrival. “there was a perfectly good space next to me.”
“there was? i didn’t see, sorry.”
“dude, you’re crushing me,” kyungsoo groans as he shoves chanyeol off him.
“you don’t complain when sehun sits on you,” the lanky man points out, hurt that he’s not on the receiving end of the preferential treatment.
“yeah, that’s because i actually like sehun. you’re all limbs and torso and just too long for your own good.”
chanyeol’s cheery expression vanishes, his good spirits crushed by kyungsoo’s harsh words. “i’m only a tiny bit taller than sehun,” he says, barely louder than a whisper.
“what is yeols crying about now?” baekhyun asks, sitting on the floor in front of the settee, by sehun’s legs.
jongdae enters the living room with a bowl of popcorn, one kernel already in between his lips and takes a seat beside baekhyun. “when is he not crying?” he adds, speaking with his mouth full of popcorn.
“ew, say it, don’t spray it!” baekhyun pushes jongdae, sending the bowl of popcorn flying.
they all freeze, their eyes turn to kyungsoo whose gaze remains transfixed at the sight of the floor littered with buttery kernels. baekhyun clamps his teeth on his lower lips and gulps. “i-i brought beer?”
chanyeol swiftly tackles kyungsoo, covering his doe eyes with his large hands. “quick! clean it up before you let out the beast!”
sehun and jongdae jump up and dash to the kitchen, baekhyun already on his knees, sweeping up the popcorn with his bare hands.
“get off me, park chanyeol!” kyungsoo screams, arms and legs flailing in the air.
“hurry up! i can’t contain him for much longer!”
“we’re almost done!” jongdae reports, picking up the last stray kernels off the carpet. he quickly discards of the evidence and gestures for chanyeol to release the enraged little man.
chanyeol backs away from kyungsoo slowly, the latter immediately surges forward to scan the floor. he scrutinises the carpet for any residual stains and crumbs with an eagle eye. deeming the hasty clean up acceptable, he sinks back into the couch. “so, are we going to start this criminal minds marathon, or what?”
---
“jongin, your phone keeps going off.”
jongin pats down his trousers instinctively. his brow furrows when he finds his pockets empty.
“you left it in the staff room,” junmyeon relays, clicking his tongue at the forgetful man. “you’re always leaving your phone places. you should be more careful. you’re lucky that minseok hyung found it on table seven yesterday, someone could’ve easily taken it.”
jongin bows his head. “thanks hyung, i’ll try.” he lightly jogs to the staff room to retrieve his phone. the device vibrates as soon as it’s in his hands and wonders who’s texting him. he unlocks his phone, and almost drops it in shock when he sees a red 99+ symbol on the upper right corner of the messages icon. curious, he presses the screen, opening up the app.
unknown number
is this jonging?
unknown number
jongin*
unknown number
hot waiter duuude lik sett ma loinss on fire hottttttttttttttttt
unknown number
hav u everr noticed ur name is alot loke joining
unknown number
joining of bodayss??????
unknown number
joing in me
unknown number
omggggggg
unknown number
hahahahahahahah
unknown number
u hav a fubby name
unknown number
itz sehun btww
unknown number
sex god sehun****!!!!!!qqq
unknown number
sehun thins u wud look gd witj ponk hair
unknown number
i mean i thing u wud
unknown number
pink&&&
unknown number
goodamitty
jongin scrolls through the texts, working through them systematically, each message growing more and more incoherent. he can’t help but chuckle at the last message, it’s complete gibberish and he’s unable to make heads or tails of its intended meaning but it amuses him nonetheless.
unknown number
hwiiwe eiasooas jaqoe ;)]] yeeesss???????
with the presumption that sehun was most likely inebriated when he’d sent them, jongin pockets the phone and exits the staff room, making his way back to the restaurant floor. it’s quite obvious that sehun is in no state to engage in any form of communication, jongin decides to bide his time and contact sehun the next day.
“he probably won’t even remember sending any of these, should be interesting,” jongin says quietly to himself, the smile showing no signs of relenting.
“is everything okay?” minseok asks the waiter. “you’re smiling to yourself, did something good happen?”
jongin winks at the male. “it's a secret to everybody.”
“what's a secret?” yixing, the restaurant’s sous chef creeps up behind out of nowhere, startling jongin.
“n-nothing, yixing hyung,” jongin stammers before fleeing the scene.
“i wonder what that was about?” yixing asks as he hands minseok a plate to be served to a patron.
minseok shrugs his shoulders. “it might have something to do with the person who's been texting him for the past couple of hours. his phone has been pinging non stop.” minseok grabs a french fry from the plate and pops it into his mouth.
“oh, i see.” yixing transfers more french fries onto the plate. “stop eating the customer's meal. if junmyeon catches you again-”
“yeah, yeah. i know.” minseok pinches another french fry before wiping his greasy fingers on his apron. “just let me know if you catch jongin smiling at his phone, okay?”
yixing glances at the waiter in question. “yeah, oka-”
“oh my god, did you just see that?” minseok exclaims with a mouthful of fries.
“what?” the cook follows minseok’s gaze.
“he just sneaked a peek at his phone and laughed to himself. we need to find out who's been texting him! i'll grab junmyeon and get him up to speed. we just need to wait till he leaves his phone lying around again, which knowing him, we won't have to wait long.”
“what about his passcode lock?” yixing asks as the other beckons junmyeon over.
“don't worry about that, junmyeon caught him one time so he knows what it is.”
the two witness jongin take out his phone again, the biggest grin adorning his face. jongin looks up and realises that he's being watched. he quickly sets the phone down on the table and rushes off in a hurry, his face blushed crimson.
“bring jongin's phone!” minseok mouths to junmyeon. the waiter discreetly slips jongin's phone into his apron pocket before joining the two.
“so...” minseok gestures for junmyeon to hand over the phone. “...let's see who's behind our joinginnie's smiles.”
yixing snatches the phone from minseok’s small hands. “on second thoughts, i don’t think we should infringe on jongin’s privacy.”
“actually, i don’t think we should either,” junmyeon agrees.
minseok sighs with indignation. “fine, whatever. spoilsports.” he grabs the plate of half eaten fries and waves the two goodbye.
---
“make it stop!” baekhyun groans, his hand swatting the closest thing person in proximity.
jongdae yelps out in pain, and gives baekhyun a good few whacks in retaliation. “hey! stop hitting me!”
the offensive racket continues to invade the room. “yah! what is that noise?” kyungsoo covers his ears to block out the disturbance. it ceases a few seconds later, much to everyone's relief.
“is someone playing zelda?” jongdae asks the group, still dodging baekhyun's flailing attacks.
“i think... i think it sounds like lost woods?” baekhyun sits up, relenting in his assault on jongdae. he yawns loudly and rubs his eyes. he looks at jongdae who mirrors his actions. “dude, you've got some serious bed hair.”
jongdae's hand shoots to his head, smoothing out his hair. “well, your morning breath is worse.”
“who's lost?” chanyeol mumbles, his voice thick with sleep. he smacks his lips as he tries to open his eyes.
“yah!” kyungsoo kicks chanyeol dangerously close to his balls. “were you spooning me?”
the loud music fills the room again. “isn't that sehun's ringtone?” a more alert chanyeol looks around the room to locate the owner of said phone. “yah! sehun-ah, someone's calling your phone.”
“make it shut up!” kyungsoo seethes into a cushion, his fists punching the upholstery of the couch.
baekhyun pats the floor around him. “the phone's not here.”
“is it just a figment of our imagination?”
“shut up, jongdae. and for the love of god, someone throw that thing out the window before it drives me crazy!” kyungsoo yells are still muffled by him lying face down into the cushion.
“bruh, are you still drunk?” baekhyun cackles obnoxiously. kyungsoo catapults a cushion and hits him directly in the face. “thanks for the headrest.” he lays back down, resting his head on the cushion.
jongdae repositions himself, snuggling against baekhyun and wrapping a leg around him. he closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep, snoring softly. chanyeol sends a hopeful look to kyungsoo and throws his arms out for kyungsoo's embrace but is denied ruthlessly. “don't even think about it,” kyungsoo warns, backing away from the gangling oaf.
sehun returns to the front room with a toothbrush in his mouth. “waf fat my phone i hearf?” kyungsoo shoots him a menacing glare and he holds his hands up in defense. “waf?”
the phone pings. “that!” kyungsoo screams angrily. “that stupid thing woke us all up.”
sehun takes his toothbrush out of his mouth. “i’m sorry, soo hyung.” he squats by the couch, his hand slipping underneath it. he pulls out his mobile and checks his call log. “shoot, five missed calls from my mum. i forgot to let her know that i was staying over, she’s going to be so pissed.”
“aww,” chanyeol coos. “baby sehunnie still needs to let mummy know where he is?”
kyungsoo wallops the chanyeol in chest. “leave him alone. i think it’s admirable that he’s so considerate about how much his mother worries.”
“thanks, soo hyung.” sehun places his phone on the coffee table and resumes brushing his teeth, but not before sticking out his tongue out at chanyeol.
“yah! go back to the bathroom, i don’t want you dripping all over the floor.” kyungsoo yanks the cushion from under chanyeol and aims it at sehun. with his agile body and quick reflexes, sehun dodges the projectile with ease, the object striking baekhyun and jongdae instead.
the two jerk up, roused from their slumber. still in a daze, jongdae massages his temple, his body movement languid. “woah, the room is spinning. this shit is mad crazy. yo, kyungsoo-ah, how do you make it move like this?”
“go home, jongdae. you’re drunk.”
“so are you, byun baek!”
“fight me!”
they begin to wrestle on the floor, chanyeol encouraging the two from the sidelines. baekhyun emerges victorious, his thick thighs straddling a struggling jongdae, still trying to escape from the other’s hold.
“save it for the bedroom,” kyungsoo calls out to the two of them. “not my bedroom, don’t you dare think about it.”
“you can talk,” baekhyun pants heavily. he slides off jongdae’s body and faces kyungsoo. “you and chanyeol looked mighty comfortable when you were spooning last night.”
chanyeol blushes. “y-you saw that, did you?”
kyungsoo scowls at baekhyun. “w-we weren’t spooning! as if i would ever let that lanky giraffe spoon me!” he jabs chanyeol in the chest several times with his index finger. “and you! don’t you dare continue this charade. there’s no way anything happened between the two of-”
“you were the one who spooned me though!” chanyeol cries out. he tries to evade kyungsoo’s sharp pokes and ends up slipping off the couch, falling to the ground with a loud thud. “i think you owe me an apology. also, i think you need to hoover underneath the couch more often, it’s filthy!”
kyungsoo folds his arms indignantly and scoffs. “now i know you're just making shit up to make me lose my cool but it's not going to work because i know for a fact-” he's interrupted by a hard yank on his shirt's hem, pulling him to the ground.
“look!” chanyeol points out. “what did i say? it's filthy.”
kyungsoo peels himself from the other, kicking chanyeol in the process. “whatever, that still doesn't give you the right to spoon me without my explicit consent!”
“but i already told you that you were the one who spooned me! i should be the one to complain if anything!”
“in your dreams!” kyungsoo spits at the other. “you may have been right about the needing to vacuum underneath the couch, but there's no way in hell i would go anywhere near you so do yourself a favour and stop lying to everyone, yourself included!”
“ouch. that's harsh.” chanyeol raises his head, blinking at the ceiling.
kyungsoo feels a pang in his heart; he didn't mean to hurt his friend’s feelings. before he has the opportunity to apologise for his cruel words, he's startled by the sound of sehun's phone ringing.
“if it's my mum again, just ignore it!” sehun calls from the bathroom.
baekhyun grabs the ringing phone from the table and glances at the caller id. “holy shit!” he exclaims before tossing it to jongdae.
“what the?” jongdae looks down and freezes on the spot.
sehun rushes into the living room after hearing baekhyun's outburst. “what happened?”
“it's jongin?” baekhyun responds. “who’s jongin? wait a second, is that the hot waiter dude from exology?!” he cries out excitedly.
“oh my god! everyone hide!” sehun shrieks out in panic. he immediately drops the floor, covering his face with his hands.
“it's not like he can see us-” kyungsoo is again cut off by chanyeol who’s enveloping the diminutive Kyungsoo with his much larger body, protecting him from the threat of ... absolutely nothing.
baekhyun begins running around the room in a frenzy whilst yelling “i'm too pretty to die!” over and over again. jongdae remains stationary, unable to move a muscle. after what seems to be an entire century, the phone's ringing ceases. jongdae collapses on the floor, gasping for air as if he's just crossed the finish line after running a marathon.
the room is eerily quiet, bar the occasional car driving past seeping through the slightly ajar window. of all the years that the five have been acquainted, this is the first time that the group has managed to keep quiet for more than ten seconds whilst being in the vicinity of each other.
sehun is enjoying the rare peacefulness, he closes his eyes and inhales deeply. he's still not recovered from his hangover, the aftermath of drinking far too much the night prior. he begins to feel drowsy, his eyelids too heavy to keep open. he can feel himself drifting off to dreamland when he's hauled back to reality by the familiar orchestral soundtrack of his ringtone.
sehun throws his body, hurtling toward his phone, his eyes still closed. he peeks at the caller's identity through squinted eyes, hoping and praying that it's his mother and not jongin. it’s jongin. he jumps to his feet, extending his arm as if increasing his proximity to the phone would have any effect. “make it stop!”
“just hang up if you don't want to speak to him," kyungsoo says, void of any emotion.
“but that would be rude!"
“and just letting the phone ring out isn't? whatever, it doesn't concern me." kyungsoo shrugs as he leaves the room.
“where are you going?” sehun whines.
“i'm going to get the vacuum cleaner. i need to hoover underneath the couch, it’s bothering me.”
sehun stamps his feet in a tantrum. “are you serious? you're abandoning me?! what am i going to do about this?” he shakes the still ringing phone. kyungsoo rolls his eyes and double backs to approach a distressed and flailing sehun.
“give it to me!” jongdae cuts in, snatching the phone off sehun and scampers to the kitchen, sehun following in his footsteps. jongdae eyes dart across the room and his eyes light up when they land on the rice cooker. he rushes over, opens the lid and tosses the phone inside. he shuts the lid, and dusts off his hands. “there, problem solved.”
“how did that help?" sehun asks incredulously as jongdae slips past him.
“out of sight, out of mind. come on, let's see if we can trick chanyeol into shaving off his eyebrows.” jongdae grabs sehun by the wrist and drags him toward the front room. “hey, yeollie! sehun and i think you would look really cool if you were to shave a line in one of your eyebrows. how about i do it for you?”
“what did you do in my kitchen?” kyungsoo asks, eyeing the two of the suspiciously as they enter the room.
jongdae throws his hands in the air. “we didn’t do nothing!” he shoots a wink at sehun.
“what about the one time you peed into his bottle of apple juice?” baekhyun doubles over in a fit of laughter.
“i only did that two times!”
“that’s two times too many! and after the first time, you promised you wouldn’t-” kyungsoo doesn’t bother to finish the sentence. instead, he exits the room, scurrying to check out the contents of his refrigerator. he returns moments later, still squinting at jongdae.
“you satisfied now? i don’t know if i should be offended that you didn’t believe me.” jongdae takes a seat beside baekhyun, swinging an arm over his shoulder.
“guys, let’s backtrack a little. i think we’re forgetting to discuss the important matter at hand,” chanyeol cuts in. “sehun-ah, i think you need to tell us all, and don’t withhold anything...” chanyeol places a hand on each shoulder and locks eyes with the younger male.
hoping to preempt chanyeol’s questioning him about how he managed to score jongin’s number, he tries to figure out the answer for himself. he’s still in a state of disbelief. who would’ve thought that jongin would actually give him his real phone number? especially after that spectacularly disastrous attempt to seduce the waiter. sehun cringes at the memory, it was no doubt the most embarrassing moment to have transpired in the history of mankind, dinosaurkind, anythingkind. he shakes his head slowly and takes a deep breath. “look, i don’t know why-”
chanyeol cuts him off, “do you really think i could pull off shaving a line into my eyebrow?”
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