Cigarette Lighter Lovesong
Rating: R
Characters: Akanishi Jin, Ueda Tatsuya & Kamenashi Kazuya (pairings revolve around the three)
Disclaimer: This is fo realz. And toilets can fly.
Notes: University!AU. 5000+ words. Long-winded plot origin explanation under the cut. Not required to read said explanation but highly recommended.
It’s a little funny story sou, mou modorenai how this fic came about.
For those who don’t already know, I love Ueda down to the very tidbits of fairy dust in his hair. Kame was never a particular favorite (WAS being the operative word) and let’s just say I have a love-hate relationship with Jin (but then again, who doesn't?) I have always loved KameDa but never really thought in a thousand years I’d ever love them together as much as I do now (damn you, Cartoon KAT-TUN). I used to hate JinDa but I was clueless back then, so blind to the megahotness that is Jin having guitar sex with Ueda. I don't actively ship Akame but strongly believe that their love is eternal and TOTALLY NOT DEAD. >O
I never realized up until recently through conversations and minifics with purebloodqueen that, when combined, AkameDa are not only insanely hot but also potentially substantial and so fucking complicated, a thousand stories waiting to be told. Thus, this fic.
I like the thought of Ueda being Jin’s favorite person on earth, and Ueda feeling the need to pay special attention to Kame all the time, and Kame being annoyingly oblivious to all the love being flung towards him, etc.
This fic turned out a LOT LONGER than what I originally had in mind. All I wanted was dormitory, necktie!sex then my brain pooped out this 5000+word fiend. >O Maybe I’ll write the necktie!sex separately. Someday. Bribe me?
ANYWAY. This fic is the combined product of relentless rainy weather, listening to nothing but Sum 41’s With Me for the past couple of weeks, and my own fair share of pretentious adolescent wangst.
First time writing AU. First time writing anything this deep and complicated and epically long and I'm a little nervous. Go easy on me, yeah? D: ♥
***
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong
It starts at a time so bright and golden, it burns. They are inseparable, indestructible, too perfect to ever truly be happy.
Akanishi Jin takes a long drag out of his cigarette and watches the ashes glowing fiery red disappear into the asphalt below. The scenery bores him, same old faces prancing around in matching pristine uniforms, fake smiles etched deep into their features.
Akanishi takes another drag and blows the smoke out in circles, eyeing a pretty-faced blonde from the group of boys walking below. Another boy with distinctively rough features has his arm slung around the blonde's shoulder.
“I spy Koki scoring himself a Tegoshi."
Ueda Tatsuya, who had been lying on his bed in peace before Akanishi’s intrusion, rolls on to his stomach and leafs through the last few pages of what he had been reading the night before, shirt riding up to expose just enough skin to cause a lump in Akanishi’s throat.
“Not interested. Now get out of my room.”
“But Uebo, I wanted Tegoshi first!” Akanishi mock-whines but Ueda only rolls his eyes.
“He and Koki are sort of together,” Akanishi continues.
“So?”
“Koki’s my friend.”
Ueda shrugs. “Never stopped you before.”
Akanishi’s lips curl into a knowing smile around his cigarette, sucking in the last shoot of nicotine before exhausting the flames inside a soda can resting on Ueda’s desk (“Hey, I was drinking that!”). He hops off the window ledge and into Ueda’s bed, snatches his tattered book and throws it to the unoccupied side of the room.
Akanishi catches Ueda off-guard and kisses him on the mouth, exhaling thick, toxic air into his mouth. It tastes absolutely disgusting but Ueda moans and kisses back each time anyway because Akanishi makes him forget little things like that.
Because Akanishi is poison himself- wild, unstoppable, Satan with a pretty face. Ueda is quite the opposite- intelligent, observant and quiet, but not exactly innocent either. They like to believe they're best friends, Jin and his Uebo, and in a way, they are, because they tell each other everything like what best friends do in movies. But in every other way, they’re not, because best friends sure as hell don’t do the things they do behind closed doors.
“You’ll always be my favorite,” Akanishi murmurs into Ueda's ear, breathing so closely against his skin that Ueda almost chokes on the smell of sweat and smoke.
Quit lying to me, Ueda wants to say because he knows just how many others have heard that same phrase from the same pair of lips, but he decides against it at the last second because he also knows that lying face-front is what best friends sometimes do.
*
It’s a perfect kind of sunny outside, just right for varsity practice and writing music, but Akanishi and Ueda are rarely ever inclined to the perfect kinds of things. Which is why they find themselves playing that little game they play in Ueda’s bed again where they try to see who’ll be screaming whose name louder in the end.
“You taste weird,” Ueda muses while Akanishi attempts to unbutton his shirt.
“Probably Tegoshi?” Akanishi wonders out loud because he tends to forget the names and the faces as well as the when’s and the where’s of people he’s toyed with, and this makes Ueda consider that maybe he’s the favorite after all since Akanishi doesn’t seem like he’s going to forget his name anytime soon.
“Tego-chan was alright, but I still like you the most.”
Ueda feels something constrict inside his chest, an unshakeable weight that makes his fingers untangle from Akanishi’s hair. You're such a liar, Jin.
Then there’s a knock and a quiet creak, their door already half-open. Akanishi tuts in annoyance but for once Ueda’s thankful for the intrusion.
“Oh god,” the intruder half-yelps, a nervous quiver in his voice. “I’m sorry!” he says with his head bowed so low he looks like he’s going to topple over.
Akanishi gives Ueda’s ear one final flick of the tongue before hopping off the bed, not even bothering to at least try to look half-decent as he moves towards the baffled newcomer still rooted by the door.
The stranger doesn't look interesting enough and Akanishi frowns in displeasure. But his eyes seem like the smiling kind, a dark shade of chestnut, and at that time the size of galaxies. Then without meaning to, Akanishi's gaze falls on his mouth, pink and blushing, and Akanishi wonders if they're as soft as they look, what it must feel like to crush them ruby red between his teeth.
“Stop it, Jin. You’re being creepy,” says Ueda with obvious authority, the back of Akanishi’s head colliding with the pillow he had thrown.
“I’m guessing you’re my new room mates,” the newcomer says once his nerves have calmed.
“Room mate,” Ueda corrects. “He’s an every day disturbance,” he adds, tilting his head in Akanishi’s direction. "But you'll get used to it."
Akanishi protests and the newcomer laughs for the first time, moving towards the unoccupied side of the room, his side from then on. Their beds are adjacent to each other, matching wood rose study desks marking the only distance between them. His eyes fall on the photographs lined neatly on top of his room mate's desk and he tries not to stare.
It's Akanishi who disrupts his little mental tour of the room. “You got a name?”
He answers nonetheless. “I’m Kamenashi Kazuya. Kame would be fine.”
“Ahhh, Kame-chan!” Akanishi chirps, intrusive without meaning to be.
“I'm Akanishi Jin. And that pretty one over there is Ueda Tatsuya. I've called dibs on him a long time ago though,” he says with so much decisiveness (Ueda almost believes him) but changes his mind only a beat after-“Maybe we can share.”
Kame laughs nervously. “So you’re-”
“Friends,” Ueda finishes for him.
“Best friends,” Akanishi corrects.
“But-”
“Don’t ask.”
And Kame never does again after that.
Outside, dinner bells are beckoning to the empty stomachs of those who had just gotten out of class or sports training or other things that are better off unnamed.
Akanishi lifts himself up off the floor, laces one hand with Ueda and grabs Kame’s hand with the other, dragging them both out of the room and clamoring in excitement to introduce his and Ueda’s new friend to everyone.
The bells continue to ring in the distance and the sound vaguely reminds Ueda of wedding bells in spring, the birth of something lasting and every bit beautiful.
*
After a long round of introductions to an even longer line of Akanishi's friends, Kame sinks into his bed and revels in how soft the mattress feels against his back. He lies still for a few minutes, traces the ceiling patterns with his eyes while the sound of Ueda's breathing fills in the silence from the other side.
Kame catches himself smiling at the way Ueda sleeps like a child, curled up on one side with his blanket held up so high against his face that only his eyes and the ends of his hair stick out from underneath the royal blue sheets. Though Kame finds it odd that Ueda's shoulders are quivering because it’s not particularly chilly that night.
Something sharp pokes Kame on the side when he tries to get up and when he feels around for it he finds a book about half an inch thick. A collection of anonymously written poems.
He sits up and runs his fingers on the cover, outlining the title with familiarity.
Ueda shifts in his sleep. “It’s my favorite,” he says in a whisper, eyes still shut against the moonlight.
And I know you’re not asleep
I can feel you moving over there
And my lips are raw as hell
From biting on them just to stay awake
“Mine too, actually,” Kame replies when it escapes him altogether that Ueda’s supposed to be asleep.
It's not like I'm going to need them
You won't be around
To see them bleed and break
Kame stays awake for a few more minutes reading off of Ueda’s copy of his (their) favorite book, heart racing as he rediscovers all his favorite lines. Before he finally tucks in, he brings his own blanket over to Ueda's side and drapes it over him, smiling victoriously when the shaking begins to subside.
So maybe I'll just think about you
Until there's nothing left in my head
The next day, Kame wakes up sweating like hell to a sun-soaked morning wrapped in a blanket- rumpled, royal blue, Ueda’s. The fabric smells like spring and Kame stays enveloped in it for a few more minutes despite the sweltering heat.
There's a note waiting by his desk that he will come to read later on.
Thanks, with a messy drawing of a smiley-faced turtle underneath.
*
Kame spends the next few days familiarizing with his campus. Ueda takes him on little tours in between classes-deserted coffee shops to quiet corners inside the massive library. Akanishi, on the other hand, takes him to trips around the most convenient in-campus smoke pockets and gives him crash courses on who’s fucking who and everything else useless.
*
There’s another note waiting by Kame’s desk in the morning. An invitation. Precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
Let’s write music together some time.
*
Just a month into the semester and already Kame's trading in school work for writing music. Ueda teases him about his lyrics, how they're sappy and done to death, but more than actually providing helpful feedback Ueda’s in it for the effect he apparently has on Kame. The way those lips would purse in concentration as he agonizes over correcting and perfecting all the wrongs because Kame is Kame that way.
Akanishi has better things to do but sometimes he hangs around because he likes to sing with Kame, and Ueda lets him stay because he likes it when Akanishi and Kame sing together. Akanishi’s voice is smooth despite his vices, his high notes completing all the gaps Kame’s raspy voice can't fill.
And Akanishi likes to sit right next to Kame when they have these random music jams because this way Kame's voice feels closer, and this way the sides of their knees touch every time they move.
*
“Uebo?” Akanishi calls out to his best friend lying beside him.
“What?” Ueda asks but doesn't look away from his book.
“That Kamenashi's really something.”
*
Kame finds flowers on his desk the next morning, clumsily wrapped and dripping wet, but the handwriting on the accompanying post-it doesn't register because it's definitely not Ueda's.
‘No picking
of flowers’
my ass.
How’s that
for poetry?
~ Akanishi
The next time he sees him Kame brings it up, but Akanishi only laughs and it makes Kame feel like he's missed the punch line of an obvious joke. Akanishi claims he gives flowers to all his favorite people but Kame doesn't believe him for a second because there are never any flowers on Ueda’s desk, and there must have been a million times he’s heard Akanishi proclaim Ueda's his favorite.
Kame doesn’t fully understand what Akanishi and Ueda are, what exactly they have between them, why Akanishi kisses Ueda long and hard against the wall but tells him stories afterwards about kissing other people whose names change on a daily basis.
Kame wonders (but never, ever complains) about the little notes Ueda leaves by his desk (today, it’s Don’t miss breakfast sleepyhead), why he even goes through the trouble, why he never seems to run out of words or little sky blue post-its. Kame wonders why none of the many friends he’s gained make him laugh the way Ueda does, why he suddenly becomes so aware of himself when he and Ueda sit side by side at their study desks, why he finds himself losing sleep to studying Ueda’s outline at night.
There are a lot of things in Kame’s mind and he continues to wonder about the if’s and the how’s and the why’s of things until one day he comes face to face with the answer to every question he’s ever asked, a note waiting on his desk as always-
Your eyes
are the brightest
of all the colors.
-precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
*
It’s close to midnight when a loud crash in the hallway wakes Ueda. He stirs and rubs his drowsy eyes, getting ready to turn back in when another thud jolts him completely awake. A few more strident knocks follow and Ueda finally rushes to the door before the clamor could wake his room mate.
Akanishi, who reeks of smoke and sweat and alcohol, collapses into Ueda’s arms and Ueda stumbles under the weight of his barely conscious friend. He navigates through the darkness for the two of them and sets Akanishi down on the bed as carefully as his strength allows.
Ueda slumps over his desk but not long after there's a shuffling of blankets from the other side and it’s Kame patting a spot next to him on his own bed.
Ueda shakes his head no, “I’m fine,” he tries to protest, but Kame is persistent and in the next few seconds Ueda finds himself climbing into Kame's bed and they sit together with their backs against the wall, shoulders touching softly.
“What happened?” Kame asks worriedly, always the first to reach out.
“Just Jin being Jin,” is Ueda’s answer and it's out of focus, something secret between Jin and his Uebo, but it will have to do. Something makes Kame look up at the framed photographs lined neatly on top of Ueda’s desk, pictures with his family, his friends, Akanishi.
“Do you love him?” Kame pushes just little bit further but his eyes remain fixed on one photograph, of Ueda and Akanishi with their arms slung around each other, smiling so wide like they had the entire world to themselves.
Ueda traces Kame’s line of vision, then, “Of course. He’s my best friend.”
“I meant in that other way, like-”
The rest of Kame’s sentence dissolves against Ueda’s lips where they will later turn into songs. Kame tastes sweet, something like drops of caramel, a welcome change from the usually smoke-infested kisses with Akanishi. His lips are soft and nervous against Ueda’s tongue, and Ueda has to stroke that spot behind his ear and link their fingers together to stop Kame from shaking.
The kiss is awkward but addicting, eager but doesn't last long enough, and Ueda kisses him again before Kame even gets the chance to react to what just happened.
“No, not in that other way,” is the first thing Ueda says when he finally manages to pull away and Kame doesn’t say anything for a while, just blinks dumbly in his spot, so Ueda kisses him again just because.
That night they fall asleep sitting side by side with their fingers lightly touching beneath the sheets.
And it goes on, whatever it is they’ve gotten into.
Ueda continues to leave sky blue notes on Kame’s desk (today, it’s You shine so bright, it’s insane.) and they continue to kiss and touch and sleep in the same bed, but Akanishi never hangs out anymore and their lives are one person quieter.
*
“Hey, Uebo,” Akanishi starts when he finally gets Ueda to himself again.
“What?”
“I like him.”
“I know.”
“You kissed him.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you, really?”
Ueda doesn’t (and never will) respond.
*
Maybe we’re trying a little too hard.
Precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
Kame doesn't see much of Ueda after that note. In his restlessness he would sometimes catch his shadow slipping into their room late at night, but he'd be gone by the morning. They haven’t had a proper conversation in weeks and all the counting makes Kame feel worse but it gives him something to do anyway.
“This is bullshit,” Akanishi says in uncloaked irritation, kicking on nothing in particular against the ground. “Stop moping, he can be a bit weird sometimes.”
An entire month hardly counts as ‘sometimes’ but Kame resigns, wrinkling his nose in irritation when he leans against Akanishi’s arm. They sit on the ground where they talk and sing like they used to, waiting for the rain to stop or at least quiet down before they head back to their rooms.
“Hey, Kame,” Akanishi starts, pulling a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and securing it between his lips.
“Hm?” Kame replies, watching closely as Akanishi lights the tip with a brilliant dance of flames.
“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
Akanishi takes a long drag-
“Too late.”
-then grabs Kame by the neck and kisses him on the mouth, hard. It takes only a second for the smoke to fill Kame’s throat and he pushes Akanishi away, wheezing, eyes red and watery.
“Don’t ever do that again,” Kame says in between dried coughs, Akanishi practically crying in laughter as he rubs and soothes the younger boy’s back and soon Kame’s laughing too.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now,” Akanishi says once the laughter dies down.
Kame’s smile softens, a quiet sadness making its way into his galaxy eyes. He sits up straight and wrings their fingers together, lips curving into a small, broken smile.
“Hey, Jin,” he calls out against the icy air.
“What?” Akanishi doesn’t move, just watches absently as Kame strokes his palm with his thumb.
“I can't do this with you."
*
This little game they play leaves a bad taste in the mouth and maybe this time they’ve gone too far-kissed too many lips, screamed too many names.
Ueda doesn’t like getting tangled up in any sort of mess, thinks it's easier to ignore than question the knot in his chest when he looks at Kame’s side of the room and finds he isn't there. He also tries not to think about the (ungiven) sky blue notes that are starting to pile up inside his drawer.
A dull creak echoes in the room when the door swings open slowly. It's Kame on the other end and he practically drags his feet as he moves in, weary frame hunched over in defeat. Without a word he climbs into Ueda’s bed and drapes his arms around him, nuzzling his face into the crook of Ueda's neck that he likes so much.
“Shit, you’re drenched,” Ueda starts to panic. He knows he should be grabbing a towel and a dry change of clothes but he'd rather hold Kame tight and close against him, stroke his hair and rub the back of his neck until his trembling stops.
"What's wrong?" Ueda asks, except that he already knows so he doesn't repeat himself when Kame doesn't answer.
There are no explanations or apologies afterwards. No questions asked or even ‘I’ve missed you’s. Instead, there are lips and hands crashing into each other, rain thundering against the window.
Kame's clothes are still wet against his skin when he climbs on Ueda's lap, but Ueda likes how he looks the way he does so he lets him keep his shirt on while he plants kisses all over Kame's neck, Kame's collarbones, Kame's shoulders.
They've never done anything more than kiss and hold hands and feel each other up against the walls of deserted corridors in the six months they’ve been together, whatever that means these days, and Ueda had been perfectly content with just being so close to Kame's skin, Kame's mouth, Kame's scent.
But right now all he can see is Kame pushed back against his bed, and all he can do is plant hurried kisses all over Kame's chest, Kame's arms, Kame's hot wet mouth.
And soon they fall into a silent rhythm, Kame’s hands desperately grasping at every piece of Ueda he can hold. And Kame has him right there, all of Ueda for his taking, and it's still not enough.
Kame is the first to finish and when he screams fuck, Tatsuya, Ueda shortly follows. He collapses on top of Kame and stays there for a while, taking in Kame’s scent, how amazing it feels to be so close to him, failing to suppress laughter when Kame’s teeth begin to chatter.
Ueda slips out of bed (Kame groaning in complaint because he hates it when Ueda does so much as move an inch away) and returns shortly with a towel to clean them both up. Ueda carries him in one swift motion and they move to the perfectly dry bed on the other side of the room beckoning for rest.
Again Kame groans in protest, blush creeping up to his cheeks. “Was that really necessary?” he says as he scoots closer to the wall to make room for Ueda.
“You’re going to get sick, stupid,” is all Ueda says before he slips in beside him.
And then they lie still for some time, Kame tracing patterns on the ceiling with his eyes (a habit he had apparently grown fond of) letting Ueda play with his hair and kiss every part of his skin.
They stay quiet for another minute, just listening to each other breathing, until Ueda finally speaks and things will never be the same again.
“Jin loves you, you know?”
And I love you so much more
but we can’t keep doing this
to him, to us, my love.
Kame doesn’t say anything for a while, then, “Stop lying to me.”
His mind wanders to the day he met Akanishi and Ueda, a perfect kind of sunny outside. It was the first time he'd ever heard Akanishi say Ueda’s his favorite and Kame wants to scream and disappear from everything, Akanishi, Ueda, whatever it is that they have, but he doesn’t, couldn’t, because at that exact moment Ueda pulls him so tight and close against his chest and pleads like he means it.
“Stay. Please.”
*
This time, it’s Kame who leaves a note by Ueda’s desk, the first and last he’s ever written, something Ueda will never even get to read.
I love you,
and the way you say
you’ll never leave me,
and the way you
make me believe.
Because there are no proper goodbyes in their game, just a note by Kame’s desk as always-
Yours forever.-precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
*
It starts at a time so bright and golden, it burns, and it ends exactly at that.
Akanishi takes a long drag out of his cigarette and watches the ashes glowing fiery red disappear into the asphalt below.
“I miss Uebo,” he says to nobody in particular, perched against the same window ledge by the same bed, exhausting cigarette flames inside a soda can by the same desk, except that this time there’s no Ueda rolling his eyes or wrinkling his nose or telling him off.
“I miss him so much,” he says again as if it makes a difference, hopping off the window ledge and into Kame’s bed, snatching the tattered book from his hands and tracing the writing on the cover.
“You were his favorite, you know?” Akanishi asks though it's not really a question, sliding quietly beside Kame who’s leaning against the wall and hugging his knees close to his chest. This time they both know he isn't lying.
Akanishi fixes his eyes on the huge corkboard hanging just above Kame’s desk where Kame had stuck all the notes Ueda had ever given him, a sea of sky blue formed in a way that makes them look like clouds.
End.
Sidebar 1: Some of the lines used were from songs by Marvelous 3 (Cigarette Lighter Lovesong), The Spill Canvas (Lullaby, you shine so bright, it’s insane) and Boys Like Girls (Thunder, your eyes are the brightest of all the colors).
Sidebar 2: The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It on a Dime for You) by moi // Not a prologue but not a follow-up either. Just somewhere in between where there existed no complicated angst. I just missed writing CLL but didn’t want to make another massive thing out of it. Minimum angst, I promise. Because 'tis the season to be jolly.
Sidebar 3: I never really got to properly thank everyone for the wonderful comments on CLL. For the pimping and the reccing and the death threats alike. I put so much time and effort into this fic and nothing beats the fuzzy feeling of knowing that it had such an impact on its readers. (Ew, cheese. This is what Christmas does to the brain.) I mean every hugeass red heart I give out to my commenters. It’s lame and space-consuming and probably just spam to some but it’s the least I could do to show my appreciation. In fear of making your brains implode from sap and fluff and all sorts of disgusting anytime soon, I shall do some relevant pimping instead.
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong (The Unwritten Ending) by xplodey_di // A reaction fic/sorta-sequel to CLL and if you liked that, then I could assure that you will like this a thousand times better.
So Long, Luckless Romance by koneho // A reaction fic to the reaction fic. It doesn’t guarantee a definite closure to the story and, in fact, will confuse your heart more than ever, but that's exactly the point.
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong: The Graphic Novel by ravyn_ashling // (LOL not really a novel, but it sounds funky like that. 8D) My wifey's got mad skillz. It’s such an honor to have my fic turned into a doujin by her.
Check them out, okay? These people are amazingly brilliant and they deserve just as much love (if not more) so send some luvin’ their way!
Characters: Akanishi Jin, Ueda Tatsuya & Kamenashi Kazuya (pairings revolve around the three)
Disclaimer: This is fo realz. And toilets can fly.
Notes: University!AU. 5000+ words. Long-winded plot origin explanation under the cut. Not required to read said explanation but highly recommended.
It’s a little funny story sou, mou modorenai how this fic came about.
For those who don’t already know, I love Ueda down to the very tidbits of fairy dust in his hair. Kame was never a particular favorite (WAS being the operative word) and let’s just say I have a love-hate relationship with Jin (but then again, who doesn't?) I have always loved KameDa but never really thought in a thousand years I’d ever love them together as much as I do now (damn you, Cartoon KAT-TUN). I used to hate JinDa but I was clueless back then, so blind to the megahotness that is Jin having guitar sex with Ueda. I don't actively ship Akame but strongly believe that their love is eternal and TOTALLY NOT DEAD. >O
I never realized up until recently through conversations and minifics with purebloodqueen that, when combined, AkameDa are not only insanely hot but also potentially substantial and so fucking complicated, a thousand stories waiting to be told. Thus, this fic.
I like the thought of Ueda being Jin’s favorite person on earth, and Ueda feeling the need to pay special attention to Kame all the time, and Kame being annoyingly oblivious to all the love being flung towards him, etc.
This fic turned out a LOT LONGER than what I originally had in mind. All I wanted was dormitory, necktie!sex then my brain pooped out this 5000+word fiend. >O Maybe I’ll write the necktie!sex separately. Someday. Bribe me?
ANYWAY. This fic is the combined product of relentless rainy weather, listening to nothing but Sum 41’s With Me for the past couple of weeks, and my own fair share of pretentious adolescent wangst.
First time writing AU. First time writing anything this deep and complicated and epically long and I'm a little nervous. Go easy on me, yeah? D: ♥
***
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong
It starts at a time so bright and golden, it burns. They are inseparable, indestructible, too perfect to ever truly be happy.
Akanishi Jin takes a long drag out of his cigarette and watches the ashes glowing fiery red disappear into the asphalt below. The scenery bores him, same old faces prancing around in matching pristine uniforms, fake smiles etched deep into their features.
Akanishi takes another drag and blows the smoke out in circles, eyeing a pretty-faced blonde from the group of boys walking below. Another boy with distinctively rough features has his arm slung around the blonde's shoulder.
“I spy Koki scoring himself a Tegoshi."
Ueda Tatsuya, who had been lying on his bed in peace before Akanishi’s intrusion, rolls on to his stomach and leafs through the last few pages of what he had been reading the night before, shirt riding up to expose just enough skin to cause a lump in Akanishi’s throat.
“Not interested. Now get out of my room.”
“But Uebo, I wanted Tegoshi first!” Akanishi mock-whines but Ueda only rolls his eyes.
“He and Koki are sort of together,” Akanishi continues.
“So?”
“Koki’s my friend.”
Ueda shrugs. “Never stopped you before.”
Akanishi’s lips curl into a knowing smile around his cigarette, sucking in the last shoot of nicotine before exhausting the flames inside a soda can resting on Ueda’s desk (“Hey, I was drinking that!”). He hops off the window ledge and into Ueda’s bed, snatches his tattered book and throws it to the unoccupied side of the room.
Akanishi catches Ueda off-guard and kisses him on the mouth, exhaling thick, toxic air into his mouth. It tastes absolutely disgusting but Ueda moans and kisses back each time anyway because Akanishi makes him forget little things like that.
Because Akanishi is poison himself- wild, unstoppable, Satan with a pretty face. Ueda is quite the opposite- intelligent, observant and quiet, but not exactly innocent either. They like to believe they're best friends, Jin and his Uebo, and in a way, they are, because they tell each other everything like what best friends do in movies. But in every other way, they’re not, because best friends sure as hell don’t do the things they do behind closed doors.
“You’ll always be my favorite,” Akanishi murmurs into Ueda's ear, breathing so closely against his skin that Ueda almost chokes on the smell of sweat and smoke.
Quit lying to me, Ueda wants to say because he knows just how many others have heard that same phrase from the same pair of lips, but he decides against it at the last second because he also knows that lying face-front is what best friends sometimes do.
*
It’s a perfect kind of sunny outside, just right for varsity practice and writing music, but Akanishi and Ueda are rarely ever inclined to the perfect kinds of things. Which is why they find themselves playing that little game they play in Ueda’s bed again where they try to see who’ll be screaming whose name louder in the end.
“You taste weird,” Ueda muses while Akanishi attempts to unbutton his shirt.
“Probably Tegoshi?” Akanishi wonders out loud because he tends to forget the names and the faces as well as the when’s and the where’s of people he’s toyed with, and this makes Ueda consider that maybe he’s the favorite after all since Akanishi doesn’t seem like he’s going to forget his name anytime soon.
“Tego-chan was alright, but I still like you the most.”
Ueda feels something constrict inside his chest, an unshakeable weight that makes his fingers untangle from Akanishi’s hair. You're such a liar, Jin.
Then there’s a knock and a quiet creak, their door already half-open. Akanishi tuts in annoyance but for once Ueda’s thankful for the intrusion.
“Oh god,” the intruder half-yelps, a nervous quiver in his voice. “I’m sorry!” he says with his head bowed so low he looks like he’s going to topple over.
Akanishi gives Ueda’s ear one final flick of the tongue before hopping off the bed, not even bothering to at least try to look half-decent as he moves towards the baffled newcomer still rooted by the door.
The stranger doesn't look interesting enough and Akanishi frowns in displeasure. But his eyes seem like the smiling kind, a dark shade of chestnut, and at that time the size of galaxies. Then without meaning to, Akanishi's gaze falls on his mouth, pink and blushing, and Akanishi wonders if they're as soft as they look, what it must feel like to crush them ruby red between his teeth.
“Stop it, Jin. You’re being creepy,” says Ueda with obvious authority, the back of Akanishi’s head colliding with the pillow he had thrown.
“I’m guessing you’re my new room mates,” the newcomer says once his nerves have calmed.
“Room mate,” Ueda corrects. “He’s an every day disturbance,” he adds, tilting his head in Akanishi’s direction. "But you'll get used to it."
Akanishi protests and the newcomer laughs for the first time, moving towards the unoccupied side of the room, his side from then on. Their beds are adjacent to each other, matching wood rose study desks marking the only distance between them. His eyes fall on the photographs lined neatly on top of his room mate's desk and he tries not to stare.
It's Akanishi who disrupts his little mental tour of the room. “You got a name?”
He answers nonetheless. “I’m Kamenashi Kazuya. Kame would be fine.”
“Ahhh, Kame-chan!” Akanishi chirps, intrusive without meaning to be.
“I'm Akanishi Jin. And that pretty one over there is Ueda Tatsuya. I've called dibs on him a long time ago though,” he says with so much decisiveness (Ueda almost believes him) but changes his mind only a beat after-“Maybe we can share.”
Kame laughs nervously. “So you’re-”
“Friends,” Ueda finishes for him.
“Best friends,” Akanishi corrects.
“But-”
“Don’t ask.”
And Kame never does again after that.
Outside, dinner bells are beckoning to the empty stomachs of those who had just gotten out of class or sports training or other things that are better off unnamed.
Akanishi lifts himself up off the floor, laces one hand with Ueda and grabs Kame’s hand with the other, dragging them both out of the room and clamoring in excitement to introduce his and Ueda’s new friend to everyone.
The bells continue to ring in the distance and the sound vaguely reminds Ueda of wedding bells in spring, the birth of something lasting and every bit beautiful.
*
After a long round of introductions to an even longer line of Akanishi's friends, Kame sinks into his bed and revels in how soft the mattress feels against his back. He lies still for a few minutes, traces the ceiling patterns with his eyes while the sound of Ueda's breathing fills in the silence from the other side.
Kame catches himself smiling at the way Ueda sleeps like a child, curled up on one side with his blanket held up so high against his face that only his eyes and the ends of his hair stick out from underneath the royal blue sheets. Though Kame finds it odd that Ueda's shoulders are quivering because it’s not particularly chilly that night.
Something sharp pokes Kame on the side when he tries to get up and when he feels around for it he finds a book about half an inch thick. A collection of anonymously written poems.
He sits up and runs his fingers on the cover, outlining the title with familiarity.
Ueda shifts in his sleep. “It’s my favorite,” he says in a whisper, eyes still shut against the moonlight.
And I know you’re not asleep
I can feel you moving over there
And my lips are raw as hell
From biting on them just to stay awake
“Mine too, actually,” Kame replies when it escapes him altogether that Ueda’s supposed to be asleep.
It's not like I'm going to need them
You won't be around
To see them bleed and break
Kame stays awake for a few more minutes reading off of Ueda’s copy of his (their) favorite book, heart racing as he rediscovers all his favorite lines. Before he finally tucks in, he brings his own blanket over to Ueda's side and drapes it over him, smiling victoriously when the shaking begins to subside.
So maybe I'll just think about you
Until there's nothing left in my head
The next day, Kame wakes up sweating like hell to a sun-soaked morning wrapped in a blanket- rumpled, royal blue, Ueda’s. The fabric smells like spring and Kame stays enveloped in it for a few more minutes despite the sweltering heat.
There's a note waiting by his desk that he will come to read later on.
Thanks, with a messy drawing of a smiley-faced turtle underneath.
*
Kame spends the next few days familiarizing with his campus. Ueda takes him on little tours in between classes-deserted coffee shops to quiet corners inside the massive library. Akanishi, on the other hand, takes him to trips around the most convenient in-campus smoke pockets and gives him crash courses on who’s fucking who and everything else useless.
*
There’s another note waiting by Kame’s desk in the morning. An invitation. Precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
Let’s write music together some time.
*
Just a month into the semester and already Kame's trading in school work for writing music. Ueda teases him about his lyrics, how they're sappy and done to death, but more than actually providing helpful feedback Ueda’s in it for the effect he apparently has on Kame. The way those lips would purse in concentration as he agonizes over correcting and perfecting all the wrongs because Kame is Kame that way.
Akanishi has better things to do but sometimes he hangs around because he likes to sing with Kame, and Ueda lets him stay because he likes it when Akanishi and Kame sing together. Akanishi’s voice is smooth despite his vices, his high notes completing all the gaps Kame’s raspy voice can't fill.
And Akanishi likes to sit right next to Kame when they have these random music jams because this way Kame's voice feels closer, and this way the sides of their knees touch every time they move.
*
“Uebo?” Akanishi calls out to his best friend lying beside him.
“What?” Ueda asks but doesn't look away from his book.
“That Kamenashi's really something.”
*
Kame finds flowers on his desk the next morning, clumsily wrapped and dripping wet, but the handwriting on the accompanying post-it doesn't register because it's definitely not Ueda's.
‘No picking
of flowers’
my ass.
How’s that
for poetry?
~ Akanishi
The next time he sees him Kame brings it up, but Akanishi only laughs and it makes Kame feel like he's missed the punch line of an obvious joke. Akanishi claims he gives flowers to all his favorite people but Kame doesn't believe him for a second because there are never any flowers on Ueda’s desk, and there must have been a million times he’s heard Akanishi proclaim Ueda's his favorite.
Kame doesn’t fully understand what Akanishi and Ueda are, what exactly they have between them, why Akanishi kisses Ueda long and hard against the wall but tells him stories afterwards about kissing other people whose names change on a daily basis.
Kame wonders (but never, ever complains) about the little notes Ueda leaves by his desk (today, it’s Don’t miss breakfast sleepyhead), why he even goes through the trouble, why he never seems to run out of words or little sky blue post-its. Kame wonders why none of the many friends he’s gained make him laugh the way Ueda does, why he suddenly becomes so aware of himself when he and Ueda sit side by side at their study desks, why he finds himself losing sleep to studying Ueda’s outline at night.
There are a lot of things in Kame’s mind and he continues to wonder about the if’s and the how’s and the why’s of things until one day he comes face to face with the answer to every question he’s ever asked, a note waiting on his desk as always-
Your eyes
are the brightest
of all the colors.
-precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
*
It’s close to midnight when a loud crash in the hallway wakes Ueda. He stirs and rubs his drowsy eyes, getting ready to turn back in when another thud jolts him completely awake. A few more strident knocks follow and Ueda finally rushes to the door before the clamor could wake his room mate.
Akanishi, who reeks of smoke and sweat and alcohol, collapses into Ueda’s arms and Ueda stumbles under the weight of his barely conscious friend. He navigates through the darkness for the two of them and sets Akanishi down on the bed as carefully as his strength allows.
Ueda slumps over his desk but not long after there's a shuffling of blankets from the other side and it’s Kame patting a spot next to him on his own bed.
Ueda shakes his head no, “I’m fine,” he tries to protest, but Kame is persistent and in the next few seconds Ueda finds himself climbing into Kame's bed and they sit together with their backs against the wall, shoulders touching softly.
“What happened?” Kame asks worriedly, always the first to reach out.
“Just Jin being Jin,” is Ueda’s answer and it's out of focus, something secret between Jin and his Uebo, but it will have to do. Something makes Kame look up at the framed photographs lined neatly on top of Ueda’s desk, pictures with his family, his friends, Akanishi.
“Do you love him?” Kame pushes just little bit further but his eyes remain fixed on one photograph, of Ueda and Akanishi with their arms slung around each other, smiling so wide like they had the entire world to themselves.
Ueda traces Kame’s line of vision, then, “Of course. He’s my best friend.”
“I meant in that other way, like-”
The rest of Kame’s sentence dissolves against Ueda’s lips where they will later turn into songs. Kame tastes sweet, something like drops of caramel, a welcome change from the usually smoke-infested kisses with Akanishi. His lips are soft and nervous against Ueda’s tongue, and Ueda has to stroke that spot behind his ear and link their fingers together to stop Kame from shaking.
The kiss is awkward but addicting, eager but doesn't last long enough, and Ueda kisses him again before Kame even gets the chance to react to what just happened.
“No, not in that other way,” is the first thing Ueda says when he finally manages to pull away and Kame doesn’t say anything for a while, just blinks dumbly in his spot, so Ueda kisses him again just because.
That night they fall asleep sitting side by side with their fingers lightly touching beneath the sheets.
And it goes on, whatever it is they’ve gotten into.
Ueda continues to leave sky blue notes on Kame’s desk (today, it’s You shine so bright, it’s insane.) and they continue to kiss and touch and sleep in the same bed, but Akanishi never hangs out anymore and their lives are one person quieter.
*
“Hey, Uebo,” Akanishi starts when he finally gets Ueda to himself again.
“What?”
“I like him.”
“I know.”
“You kissed him.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you, really?”
Ueda doesn’t (and never will) respond.
*
Maybe we’re trying a little too hard.
Precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
Kame doesn't see much of Ueda after that note. In his restlessness he would sometimes catch his shadow slipping into their room late at night, but he'd be gone by the morning. They haven’t had a proper conversation in weeks and all the counting makes Kame feel worse but it gives him something to do anyway.
“This is bullshit,” Akanishi says in uncloaked irritation, kicking on nothing in particular against the ground. “Stop moping, he can be a bit weird sometimes.”
An entire month hardly counts as ‘sometimes’ but Kame resigns, wrinkling his nose in irritation when he leans against Akanishi’s arm. They sit on the ground where they talk and sing like they used to, waiting for the rain to stop or at least quiet down before they head back to their rooms.
“Hey, Kame,” Akanishi starts, pulling a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and securing it between his lips.
“Hm?” Kame replies, watching closely as Akanishi lights the tip with a brilliant dance of flames.
“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
Akanishi takes a long drag-
“Too late.”
-then grabs Kame by the neck and kisses him on the mouth, hard. It takes only a second for the smoke to fill Kame’s throat and he pushes Akanishi away, wheezing, eyes red and watery.
“Don’t ever do that again,” Kame says in between dried coughs, Akanishi practically crying in laughter as he rubs and soothes the younger boy’s back and soon Kame’s laughing too.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now,” Akanishi says once the laughter dies down.
Kame’s smile softens, a quiet sadness making its way into his galaxy eyes. He sits up straight and wrings their fingers together, lips curving into a small, broken smile.
“Hey, Jin,” he calls out against the icy air.
“What?” Akanishi doesn’t move, just watches absently as Kame strokes his palm with his thumb.
“I can't do this with you."
*
This little game they play leaves a bad taste in the mouth and maybe this time they’ve gone too far-kissed too many lips, screamed too many names.
Ueda doesn’t like getting tangled up in any sort of mess, thinks it's easier to ignore than question the knot in his chest when he looks at Kame’s side of the room and finds he isn't there. He also tries not to think about the (ungiven) sky blue notes that are starting to pile up inside his drawer.
A dull creak echoes in the room when the door swings open slowly. It's Kame on the other end and he practically drags his feet as he moves in, weary frame hunched over in defeat. Without a word he climbs into Ueda’s bed and drapes his arms around him, nuzzling his face into the crook of Ueda's neck that he likes so much.
“Shit, you’re drenched,” Ueda starts to panic. He knows he should be grabbing a towel and a dry change of clothes but he'd rather hold Kame tight and close against him, stroke his hair and rub the back of his neck until his trembling stops.
"What's wrong?" Ueda asks, except that he already knows so he doesn't repeat himself when Kame doesn't answer.
There are no explanations or apologies afterwards. No questions asked or even ‘I’ve missed you’s. Instead, there are lips and hands crashing into each other, rain thundering against the window.
Kame's clothes are still wet against his skin when he climbs on Ueda's lap, but Ueda likes how he looks the way he does so he lets him keep his shirt on while he plants kisses all over Kame's neck, Kame's collarbones, Kame's shoulders.
They've never done anything more than kiss and hold hands and feel each other up against the walls of deserted corridors in the six months they’ve been together, whatever that means these days, and Ueda had been perfectly content with just being so close to Kame's skin, Kame's mouth, Kame's scent.
But right now all he can see is Kame pushed back against his bed, and all he can do is plant hurried kisses all over Kame's chest, Kame's arms, Kame's hot wet mouth.
And soon they fall into a silent rhythm, Kame’s hands desperately grasping at every piece of Ueda he can hold. And Kame has him right there, all of Ueda for his taking, and it's still not enough.
Kame is the first to finish and when he screams fuck, Tatsuya, Ueda shortly follows. He collapses on top of Kame and stays there for a while, taking in Kame’s scent, how amazing it feels to be so close to him, failing to suppress laughter when Kame’s teeth begin to chatter.
Ueda slips out of bed (Kame groaning in complaint because he hates it when Ueda does so much as move an inch away) and returns shortly with a towel to clean them both up. Ueda carries him in one swift motion and they move to the perfectly dry bed on the other side of the room beckoning for rest.
Again Kame groans in protest, blush creeping up to his cheeks. “Was that really necessary?” he says as he scoots closer to the wall to make room for Ueda.
“You’re going to get sick, stupid,” is all Ueda says before he slips in beside him.
And then they lie still for some time, Kame tracing patterns on the ceiling with his eyes (a habit he had apparently grown fond of) letting Ueda play with his hair and kiss every part of his skin.
They stay quiet for another minute, just listening to each other breathing, until Ueda finally speaks and things will never be the same again.
“Jin loves you, you know?”
And I love you so much more
but we can’t keep doing this
to him, to us, my love.
Kame doesn’t say anything for a while, then, “Stop lying to me.”
His mind wanders to the day he met Akanishi and Ueda, a perfect kind of sunny outside. It was the first time he'd ever heard Akanishi say Ueda’s his favorite and Kame wants to scream and disappear from everything, Akanishi, Ueda, whatever it is that they have, but he doesn’t, couldn’t, because at that exact moment Ueda pulls him so tight and close against his chest and pleads like he means it.
“Stay. Please.”
*
This time, it’s Kame who leaves a note by Ueda’s desk, the first and last he’s ever written, something Ueda will never even get to read.
I love you,
and the way you say
you’ll never leave me,
and the way you
make me believe.
Because there are no proper goodbyes in their game, just a note by Kame’s desk as always-
Yours forever.-precise, sky blue, Ueda’s.
*
It starts at a time so bright and golden, it burns, and it ends exactly at that.
Akanishi takes a long drag out of his cigarette and watches the ashes glowing fiery red disappear into the asphalt below.
“I miss Uebo,” he says to nobody in particular, perched against the same window ledge by the same bed, exhausting cigarette flames inside a soda can by the same desk, except that this time there’s no Ueda rolling his eyes or wrinkling his nose or telling him off.
“I miss him so much,” he says again as if it makes a difference, hopping off the window ledge and into Kame’s bed, snatching the tattered book from his hands and tracing the writing on the cover.
“You were his favorite, you know?” Akanishi asks though it's not really a question, sliding quietly beside Kame who’s leaning against the wall and hugging his knees close to his chest. This time they both know he isn't lying.
Akanishi fixes his eyes on the huge corkboard hanging just above Kame’s desk where Kame had stuck all the notes Ueda had ever given him, a sea of sky blue formed in a way that makes them look like clouds.
End.
Sidebar 1: Some of the lines used were from songs by Marvelous 3 (Cigarette Lighter Lovesong), The Spill Canvas (Lullaby, you shine so bright, it’s insane) and Boys Like Girls (Thunder, your eyes are the brightest of all the colors).
Sidebar 2: The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It on a Dime for You) by moi // Not a prologue but not a follow-up either. Just somewhere in between where there existed no complicated angst. I just missed writing CLL but didn’t want to make another massive thing out of it. Minimum angst, I promise. Because 'tis the season to be jolly.
Sidebar 3: I never really got to properly thank everyone for the wonderful comments on CLL. For the pimping and the reccing and the death threats alike. I put so much time and effort into this fic and nothing beats the fuzzy feeling of knowing that it had such an impact on its readers. (Ew, cheese. This is what Christmas does to the brain.) I mean every hugeass red heart I give out to my commenters. It’s lame and space-consuming and probably just spam to some but it’s the least I could do to show my appreciation. In fear of making your brains implode from sap and fluff and all sorts of disgusting anytime soon, I shall do some relevant pimping instead.
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong (The Unwritten Ending) by xplodey_di // A reaction fic/sorta-sequel to CLL and if you liked that, then I could assure that you will like this a thousand times better.
So Long, Luckless Romance by koneho // A reaction fic to the reaction fic. It doesn’t guarantee a definite closure to the story and, in fact, will confuse your heart more than ever, but that's exactly the point.
Cigarette Lighter Lovesong: The Graphic Novel by ravyn_ashling // (LOL not really a novel, but it sounds funky like that. 8D) My wifey's got mad skillz. It’s such an honor to have my fic turned into a doujin by her.
Check them out, okay? These people are amazingly brilliant and they deserve just as much love (if not more) so send some luvin’ their way!