Part 9 - Screw You, We're From Texas
Who says I can’t be free from all of the things that I used to be?
Re-write my history; who says I can’t be free
Jensen’s lying on the couch watching the second game of a Red Sox-A’s double header, when he hears Jared come in out on the side porch. Jared comes through the living room on his way to the stairs, wet hair stuck to his forehead, the August heat enough to make you sweat just walking 20 yards from the car to the door. His lap top bag is slung across his chest, shirtsleeves rolled up; he runs a hand over Jensen’s head as he passes the couch.
“You busy?”
“Nah, be right up.”
Jared grins, nods, takes the stairs two at a time, and Jensen fumbles around for the remote, feeling a hot little curl of excitement snake through him. It’s stupid, really, but this has become his favorite part of the day; he’s spent most of his summer watching meaningless regular season baseball, laying by the pool, and wandering the aisles of Wheatsville Co-op and Central Market looking for what he wants to cook for dinner. It’s not that he’s sitting around waiting for Jared to get home, but that doesn’t mean he’s not glad when Jared finally shows up.
Jensen turns off the TV and follows Jared up the stairs. Jared’s stripping out of his boxers, falling onto the bed stark naked and Jensen follows suit, shucks his t-shirt and shorts and slides into the bed next to Jared. They come together easily these days, arms wrapping around, legs tangling, finding the right fit automatically, by instinct. Jared sighs against Jensen’s shoulder, broad palms and strong fingers tracing patterns over Jensen’s back.
“Long day?” Jensen asks Jared’s neck.
“You have no idea,” Jared mumbles. “Better now, though.”
This isn’t a sex thing, not usually at least. Usually it’s just this - just the two of them lying like this together, skin on skin, breathing each others’ air. Sometimes they talk about their days, sometimes they don’t talk at all. Sometimes they make out a little, sometimes they even get worked up enough that it actually goes somewhere, but usually this is all it is. Jared comes home, and they lay around naked in bed for a little while before they get up, get dressed, and go figure out dinner. Jared swears it’s better than meditation, that Jensen’s skin has some kind of medicinal properties that melts his stress away and lowers his heart rate to almost dead. Jensen’s not sure about all that, but he does know that thirty minutes of Jared like this is about all it takes to make him feel totally calm and peaceful, and forget whatever it was he was worrying and strung out about. These days, he’s got less to worry about on some fronts, and more on others.
At first Jensen thought it was maybe sort of weird that Jared just wanted to get naked and lay beside him in bed for a half an hour every day after work. But when he told Elise about it, to see if she thought it was weird too, she just smiled.
“Taking time to make a physical and emotional connection like you’re talking about, to focus only on each other and leave everything else at the door, it’s important. Do you have any idea how many couples I work with who can’t even fathom the concept of something like that, have to be lead and coached to create some sort of ritual like that for themselves? And you seem to have figured it out on instinct.”
Jensen just looks at her pointedly, and she holds up her hands.
“Okay, Jared seems to have figured it out on instinct. But you didn’t fight it; from what you’ve told me, you understand the benefit intuitively if perhaps not theoretically. I’d say that’s a very, very good sign. Not weird at all.”
Jensen’s just starting to feel better when she smiles again. He should know by now when that smile is just a set up for a sucker punch.
“I think it would be helpful to talk to the two of you together. I’d love to meet him, when you’re ready.”
= = = = =
“I can’t believe you’ve never done this before.”
Jared’s standing with his back to the concrete rail of the bridge, shades pulled down against the setting sun.
“Yeah, you’ve mentioned that. Like four hundred times.”
Jensen’s standing next to him, shoulder to shoulder in the sweltering heat, sucking water from an Aquafina bottle.
“Maybe because I have better sense than to be standing around in the sun when it’s a hundred degrees outside.”
“Dude, seriously,” Jared nudges him with a shoulder and grins. “It’s totally worth it, just wait.”
He props his arms up on either side of him, hands on the rail, so his forearm runs along Jensen’s sweaty back. Despite the heat, Jensen’s automatic reaction is to lean into the contact. It’s not like it’s obvious, looking at them, but it’s not like it’s particularly well disguised, either, Jensen knows, and he doesn’t even care. He wonders when that became normal, when he stopped wondering who was looking, stopped letting the fear of who might see and what they might think keep him from doing what feels natural when it comes to Jared.
When the sun finally dips behind the trees, Jared flips his shades up and turns around. They jostle with the other onlookers for elbow room at the railing and lean over, watching and waiting. When the first column of bats flies out, the crowd oohs and aahs and Jensen has to admit, it’s pretty impressive. Ten minutes later the sky is filled with them, trailing off into the distance like squirming curls of black smoke, wave after wave flying out from under the bridge in neatly organized formation.
Once the bats are all off chasing bugs for the evening, they head to Home Slice for dinner, hang out at the bar drinking Lone Star in cans and waiting for a table. Four beers each and an hour and a half later they’re finally crammed into a tiny table in the back, pepperoni and mushroom steaming on the stand in between them.
“So it was cool, right?” Jared stuffs half a slice in his mouth at once, and keeps talking. “I mean bats, dude. What’s not cool about bats?”
“It was pretty cool,” Jensen nods, picking at some overly-crispy pepperoni before he digs in. “I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong.”
Jared smiles, with the dimples and everything.
“Stick with me, kid, you might learn something after all. Next stop: Barton Springs.”
Jensen just rolls his eyes.
“Oh, boy,” he deadpans, mouth full of pizza.
Jared shakes his head sadly and does his best to look wounded.
“See? Still you doubt me.”
“I just don’t see what’s so great about a really cold swimming pool.”
Jared tips his beer up, drains the last of it, lets out a belch then grins.
“Don’t worry, grasshopper. You will.”
= = = = =
The door opens and Jared practically jumps out of his seat, all eager and smiling. Frankly, Jensen’s a little annoyed that he’s so excited.
A man and woman walk out, heads down. The woman looks like she’s been crying. Jensen feels a pang of sympathy as he watches the man’s hand graze her lower back, watches her flinch away as they leave. God, he remembers being right there, just like it was a week ago instead of a year ago.
Suddenly Jared’s big dumb grin doesn’t seem so annoying.
Jared and Elise hug when Jensen introduces them, actually fucking hug, like long lost friends or something. Jensen’s never hugged Elise in his life, and he’s been seeing her for over a year now. He tries to remember the couple in the lobby, remember that Jared = good, even when Jared = obnoxiously overzealous puppy.
“My goodness,” Elise steps back and looks up, and up some more. “I don’t think Jensen ever described you, physically. I really didn’t know what to expect.”
Jared cuts a look at Jensen.
“Dude, you couldn’t even pretend to objectify me, at least a little? Come on, I’m insulted.”
Jensen holds in a sigh and sits down in his usual spot right in the middle. Then he remembers, and has to scoot over to one side to make room for Jared on the couch. It’s weird, being back here, like déjà vu except now Jared’s next to him instead of Amy, and instead of overwhelming dread and twitchy, pervasive discomfort, all he feels is mild irritation. He figures that’s progress, at least.
Elise wants to know if there’s anything Jared wants to discuss, and Jensen holds his breath.
“I think he’s getting pretty good at talking to me about stuff. For the most part.” Jared shrugs. “I really just kind of wanted to meet you, I hear about you so much.”
Elise tells Jared how great she thinks naked-after-work-time is, and how intuitive he seems when it comes to Jensen’s needs. Jensen wonders if maybe he could leave and they could continue with the mutual admiration society while he’s down in the car, or something.
“What about you?” Elise asks Jared. “Do you feel like your needs are being met?”
Suddenly Jensen’s paying rapt attention. Jared considers for a minute, and Jensen’s holding his breath again.
“I think we’re a work in progress.” Jared nods his head thoughtfully. “We’re getting better all the time. And I’m definitely happy.” He makes a point to look at Jensen.
“I’m like. Really, really happy. It’s good.”
Elise smiles, her understanding therapist smile.
“Am I sensing a ‘but’ being left off the end of that sentence?”
Jared looks decidedly not at Jensen, and shrugs. Then Elise looks decidedly at Jensen, and raises her eyebrows pointedly.
“You can be honest, Jay. That’s kind of the point here.” Jensen elbows him a little, until Jared looks at him.
“I guess.” Jared looks at Elise again, but his hand shifts on the couch between their thighs until the backs of his knuckles press against Jensen’s leg. He traces them back and forth over the soft cotton of Jensen’s cargo shorts before he continues.
“I guess it’s like, when you want something so bad for so long, I don’t know if it’s just normal to start being scared of losing it, as soon as you get it. I don’t know, is that normal?”
Elise nods encouragingly, just like she’s done to Jensen countless times before.
“It’s perfectly normal, honey, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to work through some of that fear. That’s why we’re here.” She smiles. “Are there specific things that worry you that we could talk about?”
Jared’s quiet, and Jensen presses their knees together by way of encouragement, just a little reminder that he’s right here, and it’s okay. Jared looks down at where their knees touch, before he goes on.
“Mainly it’s just one thing. Like, the whole secrecy thing.” He swallows and sneaks a quick look at Jensen before his eyes flit right back to Elise.
“I mean our friends know about us now, but that was. I mean, it’s not like we had a choice. And it’s gone okay, for the most part, but I know Jensen has had a harder time than I have and. I just get worried that maybe that’s as far as it’s gonna go. I mean, that he’ll never want to tell anyone else and we’ll just never be able to be. Normal.”
Elise nods.
“Jensen?”
Jensen swallows, and breathes, thinks motherfucker, thinks I’m not ready for this. But Jared’s here and worried, brow all knitted down and lips pursed together, and Jensen suddenly wants to see that big dumb smile again more than anything.
“Jay, I. I mean, no, okay? I don’t want to tell people. But only because the people I have left to tell. I mean friends are one thing but you know my family, man. It’s gonna be ugly. Brutal. And I just. No, I’m not like, looking forward to it. But I didn’t know you were, ya know. Worrying about it.”
“I totally get all that, you know I do.” Jared’s looking at him now instead of Elise, and Jensen feels a little better. “But you know, I mean, there’s my family too, and. I kinda feel like no one even considers that it’s not gonna be a fuckin’ walk in the park for me, either. I mean they aren’t exactly gonna see this coming.”
By no one Jensen knows Jared might as well have said you. And it’s true, he’s all caught up in his own drama with the divorce being finalized, the legal and financial implications of that, of placating his parents and avoiding even thinking about having to hit them with another shocker so soon on the heels of the divorce. A more shocking shocker, at that.
“Sorry, I just. Of course it’s gonna be hard for you, too, and. I’m sorry that I’m so preoccupied with my own bullshit lately. I haven’t even thought, really, about. I mean, do you want to tell your family?”
Jared looks down and bites at his lip.
“Yeah, I think I do.” He looks cautiously at Jensen. “Also? I might have already told Megan.”
Jensen snorts and shoves him.
“Jackass. When did you do that?”
“Like, February?”
“Dude!” Jensen’s actually blushing. “I’ve seen Megan like ten times since then.”
“I know. She keeps a secret real good, huh?” The big dumb smile is back. “She was all ready to try and catch you on the rebound, too. She was kinda pissed that I beat her to it.”
= = = = =
Jared takes a Wednesday off from work just so they can go experience the wonder of the super-cold swimming pool without the weekend crowds. Jensen is still skeptical, but he’s waiting to hear on the new job with the men’s basketball team, so whatever it takes to occupy his time until he gets the call, he’ll do it.
They drive to Zilker Park and wander around to get good and hot, then pay their admission fee and lay in the sun on the slippery rocks until they’re ready to brave the seventy degree water of the Springs. They splash around in the deep water until their lips turn blue, do tricks off the diving board and sneak looks at the girls laying out topless, like a couple of twelve year olds. Then Jared shoves him under, holds him there and kisses him in the crystal clear water, and honestly, Jensen can’t remember the last time he had this much fun.
They’re sitting on the side, feet in the water, air-drying from the knees up; Jared reaches over, runs his fingers around the rim of Jensen’s ear. It’s not much, just a quick, small thing, but it makes Jensen shiver, makes the goose bumps rise on his arms. Jared smiles and scoots closer, so the warm, damp skin of his shoulder and thigh are pressed against Jensen’s, then he looks out at the water.
“I told my mom and dad.”
Jensen swallows down the panic that’s immediately clawing its way up his throat, and makes himself breathe.
“I didn’t even. I mean, you never said.”
“I know. I didn’t want to freak you out, but. Yeah. When I went for dinner Sunday.”
“Fuck, dude. You could’ve mentioned it.”
He’s scared to ask what he knows he should, scared how’d they take it is going to come back to bite him in the ass.
Jared shrugs.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
It’s quiet, just the two of them breathing in time, until finally Jensen breaks down.
“So?”
Jared shrugs again.
“It was weird. They were, I dunno. Surprised, I think, would be putting it lightly.”
“I bet.”
“They weren’t mad or anything, or like. I don’t know, disgusted. Nothing like that. Just. Confused, I think. Like, I’m pretty sure they think I’m just confused, and I’ll get over it or something.”
Jensen would be lying if he didn’t admit, he’s thought as much before. If he looks at things honestly, there’s never been a woman he really, really wanted. And as much as the word gay makes him squirm, he’s got a pretty good idea that it fits, by definition at least. But Jared…
It seems like Jared could go either way, could find a nice girl and have a nice normal life. Could do what Jensen tried and failed so fucking miserably to do.
Sometimes Jensen has to wonder why Jared’s not doing that, why he’s putting up with Jensen instead.
“Do you think maybe.” He clears his throat and tries to think of how best to say this. “Do you think it’s possible they might have a point?”
Jared’s head turns on a swivel; the look he gives Jensen screams are you fucking kidding me?
He gives a hard shove, and suddenly Jensen’s back in the water, the cold stealing his breath, water filling up his nose.
“Dude!” he comes up sputtering, “what the fuck?”
Jared just glares, unrepentant.
“It’s your own fault for being a fucking idiot.”
*My body’s here, but my soul’s in San Antone.*
Jensen seems to be doing okay until they hit the South side of New Braunfels. Then Jared notices his knuckles getting whiter on the side of the passenger seat closest to the gear shift. Jared slaps at his hand, rubs it a little.
“Doing alright?”
Jensen doesn’t even look at him.
“Yeah.” His voice is a low monotone. “Fine.”
So, that was convincing. He leaves his hand on top of Jensen’s for the rest of the drive.
Jared’s actually been looking forward to this, in a weird way. Thanksgiving with his family and Jensen, all his favorite people together for his second-favorite holiday. It’s pretty much a win-win as far as Jared’s concerned, but he knows Jensen only agreed under duress. Now that Jensen’s working with the basketball team, the season is just getting under way in earnest, and the team didn’t even get Thanksgiving off. They worked out early this morning, and have to workout again tomorrow afternoon; it was enough of an excuse for Jensen to get out of going up to Dallas, but not enough of an excuse to get out of going to San Antonio with Jared.
No matter what Jensen thinks, Jared knows it will be okay. It’s been months now since he told his parents about them, months of talking about it and explaining to them that it’s really not some sudden thing he just decided to try one day. He and his mom went to dinner and a movie one night, had a few margaritas, and he spilled the whole story. He told her that even before Jensen, there were other guys. That even when he was with Gabby, even when Jensen was with Amy, it was still always there in the back of his mind, something he was always thinking about. He’s not sure how much of that his mom told his dad, all he knows is everyone seems to be on board now, no more questions about whether or not he’s sure about all this, no more awkward silence or forced casualness when Jensen’s name comes up.
Jeff was a little different story. He said he was fine, said it was no big deal and he was glad Jared’s happy, but they haven’t talked as much since, and Jared is pretty sure it’s been weird, is pretty sure that he’s not just imagining it.
Still, even with that. He knows it will be fine.
His family loves Jensen, always has, and Jared knows it’s just going to take a little while to get over the elephant in the room, and then things will be great, they’ll be totally normal. Of course, convincing Jensen of that is still a work in progress.
“You know they like you. They’re okay with all this, trust me. You don’t have to look like you’re about to walk the plank.” Jared shuts the engine off in h is parents’ drive way and turns to Jensen.
“Liked me, you mean. Before I turned their son into a homo.”
Jared snorts. He just realized there’s a pretty good chance Jensen actually thinks that’s what happened.
“You know I messed around with guys before I even met you, right?”
Jensen looks at him suspiciously.
“Liar.”
“Dude, I know your masculine charms are irresistible and all, but yeah. Not enough to turn me all by themselves, sorry. I had a little head start.”
“Do they know that?” He nods toward the house.
“Yep.”
“Is it weird that that actually makes me feel better?”
“Maybe if you were someone else it would be.” Jared grins, slaps his hand down on Jensen’s thigh and squeezes. “You ready?”
“Check back in a couple of years.”
“Pussy.” Jared leans over and nuzzles against Jensen’s throat, drags his tongue up along Jensen’s jaw and sucks at his ear.
“Okay,” Jensen flinches away, lunges for the door. “You win.”
He’s out of the car in three seconds flat.
Jared just laughs.
“That’s what I thought.”
= = = = =
They weren’t going to stay; Jensen felt weird and Jared agreed it might be uncomfortable to broach the whole sleeping arrangements thing on the first visit home. But now it’s past midnight and they’re both drunk, sitting in the den with Megan and Jeff, playing cards and drinking beer while Allison and the baby sleep on the couch. It’s getting less and less likely that anyone’s sobering up enough to drive home, and Jared’s parents are already in bed anyway, so it’s not like there’ll be any awkward conversations about shared bedrooms.
Dinner was fine, a little stilted at first, but then the wine and conversation started flowing and it was smooth sailing after that.
They broke out the beer during the Cowboys’ embarrassing loss to the Raiders, and the cards right after that. They watched the ‘Horns kick A&M’s ass, always the sign of a good Thanksgiving, then played Texas Hold ‘Em with the Bulls losing by twenty to the Jazz in the background. Jeff grumbled and cursed at the TV the whole time, his childhood allegiance to Michael Jordan’s team still not fully dissipated.
“God, Noah,” he slammed his beer down on the game table after a particularly bad shot, “stop whining like a bitch and do something, you fucking cocksucker!”
Then he turned to Jared, eyes wide and drunk and earnest.
“Whoa, dude. I guess that’s not really cool to say anymore, huh?”
Jensen laughed so hard Jared thought they might have to call 911, so he thinks Jen’s probably over his fear of sleeping here by now.
Jeff finally wakes Allison and takes her and the kid up to bed around one in the morning. They finish their beer and watch an episode of NCIS with Megan before they sneak upstairs to Jared’s old bedroom.
“Please remember whose room is right on the other side of your headboard!” Megan singsongs after them, and Jared knows Jensen is really drunk when all he does is snicker.
Jared’s family are not small people; Jensen is the second shortest person in the place, narrowly edging out Jared’s mom. There are no single beds to be found in the Padalecki house - even Jared’s “childhood” bed was a Queen. When they strip down to their underwear and climb in there’s plenty of room to spread out, but they still spoon together just like they do at home, Jensen pliant and warm in Jared’s arms. Jared smiles against the back of Jensen’s hair and thinks he can’t fucking believe it’s been almost a year already since Jensen showed up at his front door with a fucking duffel bag, wonders if Jensen even remembers that they have an anniversary, at least of sorts, coming up in a few days. He runs his fingers over the smooth skin of Jensen’s middle, feels Jen’s hand come over his, fingers tangling together as Jensen burrows back into the heat of Jared’s body, and Jared thinks it doesn’t really matter either way.
= = = = =
Jared wakes up to timid knocking at the door.
“Yeah?” He barely thinks before he responds. His mom’s head peeks around at him, and he’s suddenly acutely aware of Jensen pressed up against him, their bare torsos and his arm flung across Jensen’s waist. For all his mom knows they could be naked under the covers or something, and suddenly Jared’s blushing through his sleep haze.
“Just wanted to tell you breakfast is ready,” she whispers; Jensen hasn’t even stirred.
Jared just nods, swallows thickly.
“Kay.”
She starts to close the door, then stops, and beams her proud mama smile at him.
“I’m glad you stayed, baby. Both of you.”
If Jared wouldn’t have to climb over Jensen to do it, he’d go hug her. But instead he just smiles his biggest, dimple-y-est smile at her.
“Thanks, Mom. I’m glad too.”
Breakfast is different than dinner, less formal, more like regular life. Everybody’s in their pajamas, scooting around each other to get things out of the fridge or grab plates or cutlery out of cabinets and drawers. Jared just put his undershirt on and came down in his boxers - it’s his family, after all - so Jensen’s the only one fully dressed, standing in the corner of the kitchen like he’s trying to stay out of the way.
There are scrambled eggs and sausage on the stove, biscuits in a pan on the counter, butter and jelly and salt and pepper and Tabasco lined up beside them. There’s milk and orange juice sitting out next to the stack of plates, and a fresh pot of coffee still gurgling in the coffee maker. Jared notices Jensen eyeing it wistfully around the same time his dad does.
“Jensen,” Gerry claps him on the back, “you can’t bother being polite with this bunch, son. If you want your coffee you better jump in and get it before it’s gone.”
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, like he’s deciding. “I guess I better just…” He gestures toward the coffee, and steps in that direction. Jared pulls a mug out of the cabinet, hands it over.
“Sugar’s right there.” He points at the row of ceramic canisters in the corner of the counter, each one carefully and clearly labeled.
“I’m sure he could never have figured that out, Jare.” Megan rolls her eyes and holds her mug out to Jensen. “While you’re at it, hit me with some of that.”
Jeff and Allison and Jared line up behind her, and once Jensen’s poured coffee for everyone and sugared his own, they crowd in around the kitchen table. Jensen’s not really a breakfast eater, just coffee usually does it for him, but he steals a biscuit off Jared’s plate while Jeff and Allison regale everyone with a play-by-play of the baby’s sleeping patterns last night. Everything feels light and comfortable and easy, and Jared has everyone he loves most right here with him. He watches his mom and dad exchanging sections of the paper like they’ve done every morning of his whole life, watches his brother trying to feed eggs to his baby nephew, watches his sister and his sister-in-law laughing, watches Jensen sipping his coffee blissfully with no sign of that hard, bunched line to his shoulder that he had most of the day yesterday, and Jared thinks this is exactly how life is supposed to be.
*I’ve lived without bread and I’ve lived without water,
stuck outside, middle of the desert, wishing I was home.*
The Monday after Thanksgiving, Jensen comes home late from practice. Jared is in his boxers in their bed, working on his laptop. Jensen smirks at him from the top of the stairs.
“Practice run late?” Jared barely looks up from the computer.
“Not exactly. I had to run an errand.”
He tosses a greasy bag onto the bed.
“What the hell?”
“It’s a double cheeseburger, with everything on it. From Bastrop.”
Jared just looks at him.
“Technically it’s a day late,” he shrugs “but I thought with the game at Rice yesterday and everything, you might give me a pass.”
“You drove to Bastrop after practice.” Jared sets his computer down on the floor and gets up on his knees on the bed, reaches for the bag. “To get me this cheeseburger.”
Jensen just shrugs again.
“Come here.”
Jensen shakes his head, grins.
“Eat your burger, I’m gonna shower.”
Jared shakes his right back.
“I said come here.”
“Kinda bossy.”
“Only way to deal with you, Ackles.”
Jensen steps closer and Jared grabs him, hauls him onto the bed. Jared’s big hands cradle his face like it’s something precious.
“I didn’t think you’d remember.”
“Like I could forget, Jay.”
Jared kisses him, long and soft, and looks him in the eye.
“I love you. And I mean a lot. Just so we’re clear.”
They’ve never said it, not like that, not in so many words, and Jensen feels his throat get tight, feels an odd pressure behind his eyes. He nods.
“I know.” He shakes his head, tries to make it come out right. “I mean, yeah. Me too.”
Jared flops back on the bed and cackles.
“That’s weak, dude.”
“Hey!” Jensen grins, rolls down on top of Jared. “I brought you a cheeseburger, what do you want?”
“You’re lucky I really like cheeseburgers. But for our second anniversary, you’re gonna have to man up.”
= = = = =
This wasn’t something Jensen planned. Now that he’s in the middle of it, he’s thinking a plan would have been good.
His whole family came out to the new Cowboys Stadium to watch the big showdown between Texas and North Carolina. Jensen was kind of proud that he could get them all tickets, their first look at the new Stadium and a major college basketball match-up, and right across town from them, to boot. Jared drove up for the day with Jimbo and Chris and Kelly, and Texas won. Everybody went for dinner afterward, everybody was in a good mood. Six days before Christmas, with the carols playing in Spanish at the restaurant and the lights twinkling everywhere, and motherfucker Jensen suddenly can’t remember what possessed him.
Actually, he can.
His mom’s been trying for months now, telling him about her friend’s daughter who lives in Georgetown, also recently divorced, how she’s such a nice girl and wouldn’t it be lovely for them to meet sometime, lovely if they happened to hit it off. And Jensen’s getting sick of telling her, over and over again, that he’s not interested.
So when she slips him the fucking girl’s number after she hugs him goodbye in the parking lot of Pappasito's, he doesn’t really think, he just blurts it out.
“I’m actually seeing someone, Mom.”
He knows right then, there’s no going back. Jared and their friends are waiting in the car to take him back to their hotel. His brother and sister-in-law have already packed the kids up in the back of their Expedition, are pulling out of the parking lot. Mackenzie and her boyfriend Will are sitting in the back seat of his parents’ Camry, and his dad is already opening the driver’s door. This is not the time, not even fucking close, but now he’s started it, and there’s no going back.
“Well honey, that’s a good thing! Why didn’t you just say so?” She smiles. “How long has this been going on?”
“Awhile. It’s sort of. Complicated.”
She narrows her eyes, immediately suspicious.
“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, Jensen.”
He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t have this conversation in a parking lot, but he can’t not have it, not now, not any more.
“Look, I’m sorry. I really need to talk to you guys, just. Not right here, maybe…could you come back to the hotel for a little while?”
“It’s getting awfully late sweetie.”
It’s nine-thirty on a Saturday night, and Jensen has to fight to keep from rolling his eyes.
“It’s kind of important, Mom.”
When he climbs into the passenger seat of the Escalade, he’s sweating, hands shaking. Jared takes one look at him and his eyes go wide.
“What?” He asks it quietly, just for Jensen, not for the peanut gallery in the back seat.
Jensen stares out the front window.
“They’re coming back to the hotel for awhile, so I can talk to them.”
“You mean talk to them, talk to them?”
Jensen nods, keeps facing forward.
“What prompted that?”
“General stupidity.”
Jared takes Mack and Will with all of them down to the bar, and Jensen takes his parents up to his room. He worries for a minute about whether or not any of Jared’s stuff is laying around visible, then thinks it won’t much matter soon enough, anyway.
He doesn’t have the first fucking clue how you break something like this gently, so he doesn’t bother trying, just blurts it out and tries to focus on the wall between their heads so he doesn’t have to watch the expressions on their faces.
His mom is the first to speak.
“I don’t understand, Jensen. What you’re saying just doesn’t make any sense.”
“I know it probably seems that way, Mom, and. I’m sorry that it’s coming as such a surprise to you. It was sort of a surprise to me, to be honest. But this is. I mean, this is the way I am. It’s the way I’ve always been, it just took me a long time to figure it out.”
His dad clears his throat.
“Son, we understand that Jared is your friend. He’s been a good friend to you, and you’re going through a hard time-“
Jensen holds up a hand, stops him right there.
“Dad, trust me. If you think I’m confused, or something. You’re just going to have to believe me when I tell you, I know the difference in good friends and what Jared is to me.”
“Then what was Amy to you, I’d like to know?” His mom’s voice has gone from confused and worried to hard, edgy. He swallows thickly.
“Amy was. I tried, mom. I really tried, I did. To love her, to be what I should have been for her. I tried to live that life and I was miserable. I was making her miserable. The truth is I had no business marrying her in the first place; I never really wanted to, I was just doing what I thought I should. I was trying to be something I’m not.”
“Maybe she just wasn’t the right girl for you,” his mom tries again, but Jensen just shakes his head.
“Do you really think it’s fair for me to do the same thing to some other girl all over again, Mom? Screw up someone else just like I did Amy, waste somebody else’s time, ruin somebody else’s life while I keep lying to myself, pretending I don’t know better?”
There’s a long, long silence after that. Jensen stares at the floor, listens to his mother cry and figures this is going just about as well as he thought it would.
= = = = =
“Just like that,” Jared’s panting, heels digging into Jensen’s ass, blunt nails scraping along his back. “Just like that, fuck, like that, like that.”
Jensen tries to concentrate on doing it just like that, just like Jared needs it; tries not to let his thrusts get all erratic, but he’s at that place he always gets to right about now, where it’s getting hard to concentrate on anything but the sweet hot pull of Jared’s body around him and the way it’s everything Jensen’s been looking for all his life, everything he always needed and just never knew it. He has the presence of mind to reach between them and wrap his fingers around Jared’s cock, squeeze and tug just enough until Jensen feels what he’s been waiting for. The tight hot pressure around him gets tighter, hotter; he feels Jared’s cock spill over his fist, feels the rumble of Jared’s strangled groan vibrate along his skin, and that’s all it takes, he’s done for.
When he can breathe again, when he tries to roll away, Jared just tightens his thighs around Jensen’s middle and hangs on tight.
“Not yet,” he pants, rolling his hips up, pushing against Jensen in a slow, lazy rhythm. “Just stay.”
Jensen sucks at his sweaty neck, smiles against his skin.
“Keep doing that and we’re gonna have to start all over.”
Jared just hmmms, keeps his eyes closed, keeps on doing what he’s doing, slow and easy, until it’s making Jensen crazy. Until Jensen has no choice but to lift himself up on his exhausted, wet noodle arms and put his back into it, slide deeper and harder into Jared until they’re both groaning and panting and coming again.
They make it to the shower on shaky legs, leaning into each other under the hot spray, Jared’s soapy fingers sliding and tugging, thumbing at Jensen’s sore cock until he wants to cry.
“Two can play that game, you know.”
Jensen leans his forehead against the warm, solid weight of Jared’s chest, reaches around with his own slick fingers and finds what he’s looking for, pressing purposefully against the swollen opening until the first two fingers of each hand are sliding inside, until Jared is hissing and jerking against him, biting hard at his ear.
“Fuck, that’s-”
“Too much?’ Jensen whispers. “Not enough?”
“Both.” Jared groans, squeezes harder around Jensen’s cock.
Jensen just nods and groans in agreement, sucks at Jared’s wet skin, at his mouth and his tongue, until the water runs so cold they’re shivering.
Back under the covers, still naked and warm again, Jared spoons up behind him, kisses his neck and shoulder while he wraps his hand around Jensen’s spent cock again. He doesn’t tighten his grip, doesn’t move his hand, just keeps his fingers circled loosely and sighs against Jensen’s skin.
“What is it with you and my dick tonight?”
He can feel Jared’s smile in the dark.
“Just reminding you who it belongs to.”
“Possessive much?”
“Fuckin’ right.”
Jensen snorts pervert, but he slides his fingers over Jared’s, burrows back into the reassuring heat of the body behind him.
Tomorrow, for the first time in his entire life, Jensen won’t wake up on Christmas morning at his parents’ house. He won’t stumble bleary-eyed down the hall to drink coffee and open presents by the twinkling light of a Christmas tree decked with the ornaments he and his brother and sister made in elementary school. He won’t sit on the floor, on the rug he crawled across as a baby, under the mantle packed with pictures that are a slideshow of his life and watch his family laughing and talking, holding up their gifts for each other to see.
It’s not that he was asked not to come, he wasn’t disowned or kicked out or anything that dramatic. But the daily conversations he’s had with his parents for the last almost-week have consisted mostly of their arguments against his new lifestyle, their pleading with him to reconsider his choices, and his continued attempts to explain that trying to be something he can never be is a pointless, soul-killing endeavor. That it’s really not something that’s up for debate, it’s just something that is.
They don’t believe that, of course, but he’d known that they wouldn’t. They’re praying for him, which Jensen supposes he appreciates, but he’d appreciate it more if he thought they were praying for him to be happy, to be at peace, to be loved, instead of for him to be fixed.
For right now, for tonight, it’s enough for Jensen to know that in the morning he and Jared will wake up exhausted and sore and fucking crazy in love. They’ll open presents in front of their own Christmas tree, wrapped with popcorn Jared popped himself and ate more of than he strung, and hung with cheapo ornaments they argued over for more than an hour at Big Lots as if it were a matter of life or death. They’ll make better coffee than his parents have ever dreamed of making, and probably have sex again before they drive to San Antonio, where things might not be perfect, might not be everything Jensen wishes his Christmas could be, but where they’ll be welcomed with open arms and without condition.
Where people will just be happy that they’re happy, and glad for them that they have each other.
*I remember your kiss like TNT, how it rattled every long gone part of me,
and in the heat of the night you shook when you said my name.*
In January, Jared talks Jensen out of selling the house.
The divorce was expensive, and now that it’s finalized Jensen’s got legal bills to pay off; even with his swanky new job with the swanky new paycheck, he could use the money he would have made off the house.
But Jared loves this house, for both practical and sentimental reasons, and he’s not willing to give up on it that easily. Instead he draws up a proposal, which he’s shocked Jensen actually goes for, and they refinance the house in both of their names. He was all prepared to argue and cajole and beg, but turns out that’s not even necessary; Jensen just listens, thinks about it overnight, then says let’s do it. So Jared buys out half the equity and Jensen gets a check almost big enough to pay off his divorce lawyer, and everybody’s happy.
As soon as his name’s on the mortgage, Jared starts making plans.
Or more accurately, he starts taking action on the plans he’s had for awhile now.
Since Jensen is pretty much the fucking inspiration for the expression it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission, Jared doesn’t bother to mention said plans. He just waits until Jensen’s on a road trip one weekend, and rips out all the tile, the sink, and the toilet in the downstairs bathroom. The fight that ensues when Jensen sees what he’s done is fucking epic, but Jared kind of relishes it, except maybe the part where Jensen pouts and sleeps downstairs in his old bed for two days. But fighting is what couples do sometimes, real, in-it-for-the-long-haul couples, so Jared refuses to see this as a bad thing. He also refuses to see a new bathroom as a bad thing, and Jensen will come around, he has no doubts about that.
Jensen steers clear of the bathroom situation altogether until he comes home from a game the day before Valentine’s Day to find Jared staring at two different tiles, holding one, then the other up against the bathroom wall.
The ‘Horns were beating Nebraska by almost thirty at the half, so Jared left early to come home and get back to work.
“What was the final damage?”
“Forty.”
“Sounds riveting, man.”
“Seriously. If I thought I could have snuck out without anyone noticing, I totally would have.”
“I ordered you Shrimp Pad Thai from Madam Mam’s, if you want it.” Jared’s still staring intently at the tiles.
Jared knows they always feed the whole cast and crew after games, but he also knows Jensen doesn’t always want to take the time to eat. Sometimes he just wants to get finished and get home.
Suddenly Jensen’s wrapping his arms around Jared from behind.
“I like the one on the left; it matches what we’ve got upstairs.”
Jared nods, all business.
“That’s called subway tile.”
“Okay, well I like the subway tile.”
“Subway tile it is, then. I’ll go to Home Depot in the morning.”
“I’ll go with you.”
Jared turns around, eyebrow raised.
“You’re dangerously close to getting involved in this project that you threw the fuckin’ bitch fit about, you realize that right?”
Jensen just shrugs.
“Happy Valentine’s Day. Don’t expect a present.”
= = = = =
It’s smack in the middle of conference play, the busiest time of year for Jensen, so it’s not like he has a lot of free time. Still, with him helping when he can, they finish the bathroom ahead of Jared’s schedule. They work almost every night and weekend until they’re sore and dirty, they fuck in the shower and fall into bed exhausted. Jared loves every minute of it, and for all Jensen’s bitching and complaining, Jared knows he does too. Not to mention, it’s totally worth it because it looks fucking awesome when they’re done.
They put in all new tile, new floor, new sink and new toilet. They re-did the plumbing and raised the shower head high enough that Tim Duncan - or, at Jensen’s insistence, Dirk Nowitzki - could shower comfortably, and had the tub resurfaced. Not bad for a couple of weeks, a couple thousand dollars, and a couple of guys who don’t really know what they’re doing, Jared thinks.
“So what’s next?” Jensen’s drinking a beer, watching Jared demonstrate the new six-setting shower head, the new quiet-flush toilet, the new no-fog mirror on the medicine cabinet.
Jared tries to look innocent, but Jensen just rolls his eyes.
“Dude, don’t even. I know you’ve got something planned. Just spill it.”
“Well.” Jared tries to formulate his thoughts quickly. This is a big one. A fuckin’ sweet idea, but still, a big one, and he wasn’t planning on springing it on Jensen so soon. But since he asked, and all.
“Last summer when I was cleaning out the chimney? I mean dude, you can totally see downtown from up there.”
Jensen sucks on his beer.
“Uh huh.”
“I was just thinking. Rooftop deck, right? Awesome views, great place to chill with a beer.”
“Great place to jump from, into the pool, break your neck.”
Jared shrugs.
“It might have crossed my mind. I mean, minus the broken neck.”
Jensen takes another swig, nods slowly like he’s considering.
“I’m sure there are permits and shit you have to get for something like that, dude. I don’t think you can just build a platform on the top of your house and not, like, check with anyone first.”
Jared rolls his eyes.
“No shit. I mean I’ll have to do some research.” He doesn’t think now’s the time to mention that the research is actually already done.
“But I was thinking we open up the back wall of the bedroom while we’re at it, put some double doors in and deck up there too, so it’s like three levels kinda, you know, with stairs all the way up from the back yard?”
Jensen looks at Jared suspiciously.
“We’ll have to move out of the bedroom to do that.”
“I guess, yeah.”
“And this fancy new bathroom will sure make it easier to convince me to move downstairs.”
Jared has the decency to look at least mildly guilty.
“Will it? I hadn’t thought about it.”
“My ass you haven’t. Sneaky fucking bitch.”
Jared just grins.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
= = = = =
“Let’s go back now,” Jensen is slurring against Jared’s neck, grinning up at him. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”
The bass is pounding in Jared’s ears, so loud Jensen’s pleading is barely audible, people crushed around them on all sides.
“Okay, we just have to tell someone we’re going, okay?”
Jensen is drunkenly and unabashedly making out with Jared’s ear, wrapped around him tight while Jared’s looking for someone, anyone, that he recognizes in the crowd.
“Want you to fuck me, Jay. Come on, come on.”
And whoa, okay, that is not something that happens, at least not yet. Which Jared is fine with, but honestly, he could do without the suggestion when he’s fucking horny and Jensen is drunk enough that Jared has to say no, on principle.
“Just wait here, okay?” He props Jensen against the bar and untangles himself from Jensen’s grasp. “Don’t move. Understand? Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
It’s the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament, and Texas played in New Orleans; obviously, that combination means everyone they know or have ever known, including Vic and Lisa, are here. Jared thought it was a little convenient that Vic wanted to kiss and make up, so to speak, right around the time that Jensen could get him Tourney tickets for free, but he guesses whatever works. Everything’s been fine, everyone’s been cool, and honestly it’s nice to have everyone together again, even if right now together is sort of relative. Everyone’s in this bar, somewhere, but Texas just lost to Wake Forest in overtime earlier tonight, knocked out in the first round, and everyone’s drowning their sorrows differently.
Jensen, for instance, drowned his in approximately five hundred hand grenades.
Finally Jared spots Coop and Scotty and Chen, manages to convey over the music that he’s taking Jensen home and they’ll see them for breakfast tomorrow. Back at the bar, Jensen is chatting up some brunette dressed like a hooker, and seriously, Jared is so over this night.
“This is him!” Jensen yells as Jared walks up, which somehow makes Jared feel slightly better.
“You weren’t kidding.” The hooker smirks pointedly at Jared.
“Smokin’, right?” Jensen nods at her conspiratorially. “You should see him naked.”
“Oooo-kay.” Jared grabs his hand, gives a little salute to the hooker. “And, we’re done here.”
“Awww baby I was jus’ tryin’ to objectify you.” Jensen protests as he stumbles after Jared. “Like you wanted, ‘member?”
Annoyed or not, Jared has to laugh.
Back at the hotel, Jensen is naked and writhing on the bed, begging Jared to fuck him, none of which is in any way fair. He’s saying things, filthy things that sober Jensen just doesn’t say, and Jared is a little ashamed of how turned on he is, how close he comes to just saying to hell with it and giving Jensen what he’s begging for, dealing with the consequences in the morning.
He doesn’t, of course, but he thinks about it a little longer than he should. In the end he just grinds their cocks together while he slides his slicked up fingers in and out of Jensen - something they’ve done before, at least, if maybe not exactly often - and lets that be good enough.
= = = = =
The Saturday after they get back from New Orleans is the first official day of Jensen’s off-season. They go to the lumber yard and buy everything they need for what Jensen insists on calling the Big Ass Deck. They have to rent a Big Ass Trailer to haul it home.
Jared has very official-looking building plans, that he created himself online. He spent hours getting all the specifications just right, down to the last nail and hinge and two-by-four. He’s so fucking excited he can hardly contain himself, so of course, on Sunday it starts pouring rain. Of fucking course it does.
Jensen wakes him up at six a.m. when he hears it start up. They race down to the shed in sweats and bare feet to find tarps, then hurry around to the driveway to tie them down as best they can to protect the wood. It’s maybe pointless, but it makes Jared feel better.
They go back inside, shivering and soaked, and jump in a hot shower. Jared figures they’re up, offers to make coffee, but Jensen just shakes his head.
“Bed,” he says, and shoves Jared in that direction.
When Jared wakes up again he doesn’t know what time it is, it’s too dark outside to tell, sky through the skylight nothing but grey-black clouds obscured by the constant rivulets of water washing over the convex glass. Jensen is squirming in front of him, rubbing his ass purposefully against Jared’s erection, and suddenly Jared isn’t feeling very sleepy anymore.
“Think I’m sober enough now?” Jensen asks, and Jared is immediately transformed into a blushing virgin, not sure what to say.
When he fumbles around long enough for a response, Jensen huffs a laugh into the pillow.
“I know you think it’s a big deal, because I kinda made it seem like one. But it’s really not, I promise. I always wanted to, always, okay? I was just scared. Not of getting fucked, even…more just of being someone who wants to get fucked.”
“I’m someone who wants to get fucked,” Jared points out.
“And God bless you for it.”
“You seem to like me okay.”
“Yeah, you’re alright I guess.”
“So you’re really fine with this, huh?”
“So much more than fine. Maybe you forgot the begging?”
Jared growls against his neck, pulls him in close and tight.
“I didn’t forget. But I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing it again.”
Turns out, Jensen can have a surprisingly filthy mouth even when he’s stone cold sober.
PART 8 < > PART 10
| MASTER POST | PART 9 LYRIC CREDITS |