That Best Man's Speech
I had a delightful weekend, featuring as it did swisstone and ladymoonray's wedding. I had the enormous privilege to be Best Man, something I had not done before but which I very much enjoyed. purple_pen has done a very thorough write-up of the day and there are various pictures circulating, especially on Facebook. (I managed to take some in between my various duties and I'll see if I can post them on LJ at some point soon.)
purple_pen describes my Best Man's Speech as "a riotous act" which I think is far too kind! But for those who weren't there, or who want a recap, here it is. Incidentally, the Spitfire anecdote is completely and without exaggeration true.
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As those of you who know me will be aware - and those who don’t will quickly work out - I’ve recently had a major job change. I went back to school - one for baby lawyers. Rumours I did this because I heard that I’d get a wig are completely untrue. Especially if they’re spread by Tony. But in any case I am now a lawyer and so it seemed that if Tony was going to ask a barrister to be his Best Man he ought to get full value for money.
So, you are now the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. A bit bigger jury than normal, I’ll grant. But don’t worry, you’re not going to have to listen to too much in the way of evidence. After all, most of you know Tony so you’ll have seen it all with your own eyes. I will confine myself to summarising the case for the prosecution.
At this point I should probably remind you all of the charges against the guilty s... - sorry, the accused.
Antony Graham Keen, you are charged as follows.
- With the writing of song lyrics for your band contrary to public order, taste and decency.
- With flaunting a level of knowledge of Spitfires that marks you as a Class One Plane Spotter
- With leading astray generations of Open University students via long-distance pub crawls thinly disguised as “field visits”
- With production of reams of allegedly academic papers in the field of Classical Studies all of which seem to consist of analysis of yet another episode of Doctor Who.
In respect of the first charge, regarding lyrics, we were going to produce some evidence. I am sure that the ladies and gentlemen of the jury will be disappointed to hear that we were served an injunction to prohibit this. It was brought by our venue today, which apparently was concerned at the prospect of people diving out of windows to escape or seeking to beat themselves unconscious with wine bottles. That charge the prosecution is thus dropping.
As for charge two - aggravated plane spotting - I will call a witness. Me.
[At this point I carried out a mock examination-in-chief of myself via the time-honoured sight gag of swapping back and forth as if I were facing myself.]
- Will you please state your name and occupation for the Court.
- Simon John Bradshaw, and at the time I was an RAF officer.
- Please explain the circumstances of the offence you witnessed.
- Well, I was taking some friends around the RAF Museum at Hendon. It was actually a trip inspired by Dr Keen’s guided tour of Roman London and he himself had come along to see me emulate him.
- And did he confine himself to listening avidly?
- No, he did not. We were looking at the Spitfire and Hurricane display and I had just explained how you tell them apart - the shape of the wings, the method of construction, and so on.
- And what did Dr Keen do at this point?
- He piped up and explained a bit more about the Spitfire, including how to identify that it was a Mark 16E from the gun layout and rivet shape, and how from the serial number you could tell it had been finished on a Tuesday by a chap called Bert.
- How did this make you feel, Squadron Leader Bradshaw?
- Severely out-nerded!
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, have you ever heard more damning evidence?
And then there is the third charge. Again I have first-hand knowledge of one of Tony’s ‘field trips’ but I will refrain from recalling myself to the stand and rely instead on the testimony of many, many survivors of such activities. It has to be conceded though that everyone who goes on such trips learns much new. For example, most people think the Romans built mile forts along Hadrian’s Wall. Tony’s students know better - these structures were in fact drinking establishments to sustain the legionaries, and to recreate the vivid experience of serving on the Wall Tony ensures a regular stop in their modern counterparts - all of them.
[At this point Tony piped up to note that the Wall was manned by auxiliaries rather than legionaries, thus further confirming his guilt on charges of Extreme Nerdiness.]
Finally, we must move to the last indictment. Dr Keen presents himself as a man of learning. A man of wisdom. A man familiar with in-depth academic research. And, on the basis of his recent conference papers, he certainly is. The research generally taking place at 6.20 on Saturday in front of a TV tuned to BBC1. Or, alternatively, via his large DVD collection - Tony has kept the Dr Who division of BBC Enterprises consistently in profit for some time know. His forthcoming paper will look at the depiction of Roman Pompeii in Dr Who; I have been fortunate enough to sneak a look at his work-in-progress file and can reveal that it will be followed up by a scholarly examination of the depiction of schisms in resistance movements to alien invasions as compared with fictional equivalents in Roman history, to be entitled ‘The People’s Front of Gallifrey versus the Gallifreyan People’s Front, or What Have The Daleks Ever Done For Us?’
That is enough of this sordid trail of evidence. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I must put the question to you, to be indicated by a show of hands. Do you find the defendant, Tony Keen, Guilty?
Dr Antony Graham Keen, you have been found Guilty by a jury of your peers. There can be only one sentence under the circumstances: an indefinite supervision order in the close custody of Kate. The Court doubts that she can redeem you of the dubious tendencies the evidence has revealed, but frankly we rather suspect she wouldn’t want to.
(TOAST TO THE COUPLE)
purple_pen describes my Best Man's Speech as "a riotous act" which I think is far too kind! But for those who weren't there, or who want a recap, here it is. Incidentally, the Spitfire anecdote is completely and without exaggeration true.
----------
As those of you who know me will be aware - and those who don’t will quickly work out - I’ve recently had a major job change. I went back to school - one for baby lawyers. Rumours I did this because I heard that I’d get a wig are completely untrue. Especially if they’re spread by Tony. But in any case I am now a lawyer and so it seemed that if Tony was going to ask a barrister to be his Best Man he ought to get full value for money.
So, you are now the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. A bit bigger jury than normal, I’ll grant. But don’t worry, you’re not going to have to listen to too much in the way of evidence. After all, most of you know Tony so you’ll have seen it all with your own eyes. I will confine myself to summarising the case for the prosecution.
At this point I should probably remind you all of the charges against the guilty s... - sorry, the accused.
Antony Graham Keen, you are charged as follows.
- With the writing of song lyrics for your band contrary to public order, taste and decency.
- With flaunting a level of knowledge of Spitfires that marks you as a Class One Plane Spotter
- With leading astray generations of Open University students via long-distance pub crawls thinly disguised as “field visits”
- With production of reams of allegedly academic papers in the field of Classical Studies all of which seem to consist of analysis of yet another episode of Doctor Who.
In respect of the first charge, regarding lyrics, we were going to produce some evidence. I am sure that the ladies and gentlemen of the jury will be disappointed to hear that we were served an injunction to prohibit this. It was brought by our venue today, which apparently was concerned at the prospect of people diving out of windows to escape or seeking to beat themselves unconscious with wine bottles. That charge the prosecution is thus dropping.
As for charge two - aggravated plane spotting - I will call a witness. Me.
[At this point I carried out a mock examination-in-chief of myself via the time-honoured sight gag of swapping back and forth as if I were facing myself.]
- Will you please state your name and occupation for the Court.
- Simon John Bradshaw, and at the time I was an RAF officer.
- Please explain the circumstances of the offence you witnessed.
- Well, I was taking some friends around the RAF Museum at Hendon. It was actually a trip inspired by Dr Keen’s guided tour of Roman London and he himself had come along to see me emulate him.
- And did he confine himself to listening avidly?
- No, he did not. We were looking at the Spitfire and Hurricane display and I had just explained how you tell them apart - the shape of the wings, the method of construction, and so on.
- And what did Dr Keen do at this point?
- He piped up and explained a bit more about the Spitfire, including how to identify that it was a Mark 16E from the gun layout and rivet shape, and how from the serial number you could tell it had been finished on a Tuesday by a chap called Bert.
- How did this make you feel, Squadron Leader Bradshaw?
- Severely out-nerded!
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, have you ever heard more damning evidence?
And then there is the third charge. Again I have first-hand knowledge of one of Tony’s ‘field trips’ but I will refrain from recalling myself to the stand and rely instead on the testimony of many, many survivors of such activities. It has to be conceded though that everyone who goes on such trips learns much new. For example, most people think the Romans built mile forts along Hadrian’s Wall. Tony’s students know better - these structures were in fact drinking establishments to sustain the legionaries, and to recreate the vivid experience of serving on the Wall Tony ensures a regular stop in their modern counterparts - all of them.
[At this point Tony piped up to note that the Wall was manned by auxiliaries rather than legionaries, thus further confirming his guilt on charges of Extreme Nerdiness.]
Finally, we must move to the last indictment. Dr Keen presents himself as a man of learning. A man of wisdom. A man familiar with in-depth academic research. And, on the basis of his recent conference papers, he certainly is. The research generally taking place at 6.20 on Saturday in front of a TV tuned to BBC1. Or, alternatively, via his large DVD collection - Tony has kept the Dr Who division of BBC Enterprises consistently in profit for some time know. His forthcoming paper will look at the depiction of Roman Pompeii in Dr Who; I have been fortunate enough to sneak a look at his work-in-progress file and can reveal that it will be followed up by a scholarly examination of the depiction of schisms in resistance movements to alien invasions as compared with fictional equivalents in Roman history, to be entitled ‘The People’s Front of Gallifrey versus the Gallifreyan People’s Front, or What Have The Daleks Ever Done For Us?’
That is enough of this sordid trail of evidence. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I must put the question to you, to be indicated by a show of hands. Do you find the defendant, Tony Keen, Guilty?
Dr Antony Graham Keen, you have been found Guilty by a jury of your peers. There can be only one sentence under the circumstances: an indefinite supervision order in the close custody of Kate. The Court doubts that she can redeem you of the dubious tendencies the evidence has revealed, but frankly we rather suspect she wouldn’t want to.
(TOAST TO THE COUPLE)