My Big Fat Alien Wedding - Smallville - Clex
Title: My Big Fat Alien Wedding
Author: mahaliem
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clex
Rating: PG-13
Length: Over 5,300 words.
Summary: The story of Clark and Lex's courtship and wedding.
Warning - This is unbeta'd silliness.
My Big Fat Alien Wedding
Part 1 - The Courtship
"I'm going to kill you," Lex yelled at the television screen which showed Superman's face. Or, to be more accurate, the face of his ex-best friend, Clark Kent.
Lex had been sitting in his office plotting the final steps that would lead to the downfall of Wayne Enterprises, when Mercy had hurriedly entered.
"Boss, you need to see this."
The television flickered to life to show Superman holding a press conference.
"I don't want to hear anything that alien freak has to say," Lex said, but found his attention drawn to the screen anyway. Superman looked solemn, and not in the 'you're going to prison for this' way which always tended to have some frustrated anger behind it.
"I have decided that it's time to devote the rest of my life and expend all of my efforts to ensuring the safety of mankind," Superman said. "I was raised human. I have a human's values. I have human flaws and human virtues. This humanity was instilled in me by my loving parents who found me as a toddler and raised me."
Lex made a mostly silent retching gesture, which caused Mercy to roll her eyes.
"Recently, anyone with whom I have contact has been under increased pressure lately to reveal my secret identity. The latest kidnapping of Clark Kent and Lois Lane by Dr. Derangy to extract my secret identity has caused me to rethink the situation." Superman paused for a moment before continuing. "My mother passed away last year and my father died some time ago. They can no longer be held accountable for their decision to keep my origins a secret and can no longer be affected by my relinquishment of my human identity."
Lex leapt to his feet and stalked towards the television. Superman was giving up his secret identity?
"From now on, I will be known only by my Kryptonian name, Kal-El, or as the world knows me, Superman. My life as Clark Kent, reporter for The Daily Planet, is now over."
"It sure as hell is!" Lex shouted. "I'm going to kill you!"
Chaos was reigning at the press conference, which Clark ignored. He gave the cameras a wave before flying away. At Clark's departure, instead of turning off the television, Lex kicked it and then kicked it again. He wished he had a golf club handy so that he could really have a go at it.
"That... that stupid alien prick!" Lex yelled, whirling to face Mercy, who'd stepped away from the shower of sparks. "I was his best friend! Not only does he not tell me his secret, but when I do hear it from him, it's along with the rest of the world."
"Um... boss," Mercy ventured, "I thought you already knew his identity."
"Of course I knew. But he never told me. He was supposed to. At some point, preferably in an act of desperation due to some incredibly brilliant scheme of mine, he was supposed to reveal his secret identity. Then he was going to plead for my forgiveness and for the return of my friendship. And I would make him beg, oh how I'd make him beg. I'd--"
It was then that Lex noticed the expression on Mercy's face and shut up. At least he hadn't gotten to the part where he forced Clark to become his sex slave as an act of penitence.
"Not that I've ever really thought about it or anything," Lex muttered.
Mercy shrugged. "Well, it's too late to do anything about it now."
"I can still make him regret not telling me. Get Henderson and Barkley from Legal up here immediately along with Malone and Chiu from Special Projects. There's work to be done."
"What about Wayne Enterprises?" Mercy asked. The papers for the takeover were still spread across his desk. "That took years to set up."
"Who cares about Wayne Enterprises when there's a superhero to screw over?"
* * *
"I'm going to kill him," Clark vowed as he stared at the television in front of him.
Flash stood next to Clark, watching the images on the screen. "Remind me to never, ever reveal my secret identity."
The television showed Lex Luthor holding a huge pair of scissors while standing in front of an ornate gate festooned with a ceremonial ribbon.
"This is, I believe, a most fitting tribute to Superman," Lex was saying to his audience. "It is, therefore, with great delight that I personally cut this ribbon and declare Supermanland open to the public."
As Lex cut the ribbon, the sky was flooded with balloons, all bearing a bloated, pulled out of shape, version of Superman's face. The gates swung open to reveal the Kent farmhouse and barn in the foreground. In the background, where the fields used to be, was an enormous amusement park.
"Supermanland?" Flash asked.
Clark groaned. "Also known as 'let's completely trash Superman's childhood memories'. My father must be rolling in his grave to know that Oliver and Lisa Douglas, to whom we sold the farm, sold it to Lex."
"Luthor moves fast. It's been what, maybe two months since you revealed your identity? And he's already opening an entire amusement park just in time for the summer holidays?"
Clark nodded. "I've always suspected that among his mutant abilities he acquired superpowers of evil."
The camera had swung away from Lex and the reporter was extolling the virtues of the Meteor Minefield ride, the Carousel of Mutants, and the Alien Cave of Love.
"I'm going to kill him," Clark muttered again.
"The Alien Cave of Love sounds interesting."
Sometimes it was a good thing that Flash was the fastest man on Earth.
* * *
Lex timed it. It only took three seconds from the moment he stepped out onto his balcony for Clark to appear.
"Clark," he greeted coolly, irrationally pleased that he could now actually use the correct name.
"I'm going by Kal-El now."
"I do seem to recall seeing an interview to that effect." Lex let his eyes wander over Superman's outfit. "Clark, I never thought I'd say this, but you should really think about going back to flannel."
"How could you?" Clark asked.
Lex nodded. "I know. As fashion choices go, flannel is an abomination, but it's much better than what you're wearing."
Clark clenched his hands into fists and stepped closer. "That's not what I meant. How could you open that-that-that monstrosity in Smallville?"
"You mean Supermanland? I'm an honest businessman and it's completely legitimate. Not only legitimate but, may I add, the most lucrative enterprise I've ever embarked on. People are arriving in droves, looking forward to good, wholesome family entertainment. If I wasn't already a billionaire, I'd be one by the end of the year."
"You sold out my childhood!"
"Correction. I'm selling out your childhood. Present tense. I'm also making inroads on selling out your adult years, too."
Instantly, Clark became wary. "What do you mean?"
Lex leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Did you know that people will pay obscene amounts of money for the privilege of sleeping for one night in the same apartment where Superman lost his alien cherry?"
Clark's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. Finally, he managed to whisper a horrified, "You aren't."
"I am," Lex said smugly. "Now ask me about the book deals."
"Book deals?"
"I'm so very glad you asked. There'll be a collection titled 'My Date with Superman' written by those whom you dated once or twice. There weren't that many - you had an abysmal social life, didn't you? Additionally, several of your nearest and dearest have signed contracts with LuthorCorp publications to write their accounts of your relationship. "
"Who?" Clark asked in a voice barely audible.
"Lana, for one. Of course for her I had to throw in a movie deal."
"Movie deal?" Clark swallowed hard. "What about the others?"
"You'll be pleased to know that Chloe, Pete, and Lois refused my offer."
Clark let out a sigh of relief.
"It seems," Lex continued, "that Pete is planning on writing his own book and selling it to the highest bidder - which I intend to be. Chloe is planning a series of articles for her newspaper. Because of her tendency to view you in favorable terms, I intend to crush that publication with an iron fist. As for Lois, she's not going to write anything about you at all."
Clark looked hopeful.
Lex gave him a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "She's too busy scrambling to keep her job as a reporter. It's funny how people are beginning to wonder about the investigative skills of someone who never realized that their partner was an alien."
There was a long pause before Clark spoke. "What do I have to do to convince you to stop this?"
Lex considered broaching the sex slave scenario, but decided against it. Clark wasn't sorry he hadn't told Lex the truth and he hadn't suffered nearly enough.
"There's nothing you can do," Lex declared. "How could I possibly justify closing down Supermanland and denying the world the opportunity to gawk at your childhood home, go on rides that have little to nothing to do with you, and spend disturbing amounts of money which ends up in my pocket?"
Feeling more defeated than he ever had in any of their previous encounters, except for maybe that one time with the kryptonite-threaded underwear and the Wedgie of Doom, Clark flew back to the Watchtower.
* * *
The good news was that a week later, Clark saved a bus full of students from plunging over a cliff in the middle of Kansas.
The bad news was that it was a busload of obnoxious teenagers.
Worse news was that they were returning to school from a day at Supermanland.
The worst news of all was that things got a bit ugly when Superman told them that 'No, he couldn't set them all up with season passes'."
"You suck!" one of the teenagers shouted as he carried the bus to safety.
"And you sucked as a kid, too!" shouted a second. "The Fortress of Solitude - what a dorky name."
There was a chorus of agreement as Clark wondered if he could drop the bus and make it look like an accident. Instead of giving in to temptation he placed the bus carefully on the ground.
Before he could fly away, a young girl wearing braces leaned out the window and smiled at him.
"Don't listen to Robby and his friends. They're jerks." She handed something to him and Clark took it without thinking. "Maybe this will make you feel better."
Clark looked at the object in his hands and, instead of feeling better, felt sick.
* * *
"Luthor!" Clark roared as he flew into Lex's office, going through the wall and sending concrete and plaster tumbling about.
The men gathered around Lex's desk stared at him. Lex simply sighed and rose from his chair. "I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our meeting for another time." Graciously, he walked them out to the reception area, before returning to glare at Clark.
"Do you know who that was? The Ice Capades! No one treats the Ice Capades like that. I doubt they'll ever consider a young Superman show now."
Clark stared at Lex for a few seconds, before remembering the reason he'd burst in.
"Look at this!" he shouted, handing Lex the object the girl had handed to him.
Lex read the writing on the wrapper aloud. "Superman's Mama's Favorite Apple Pie. So good, they'll make you feel like flying."
He looked up at Clark. "I don't see what the problem is."
"Pies, Lex! Now you're peddling pies. Dear God, is nothing sacred to you?"
Lex shifted and appeared uneasy. "Well... the muffins weren't selling."
When Clark spoke again, his voice sounded weak and broken. "You win, Lex. Tell me what I have to do to put a stop to this and I will."
Again, the thought of asking Clark to be his sex slave came to mind. Again, Lex dismissed it.
"If I shut down Supermanland, think of all those men and women who would be out of work. I couldn't do that. What kind of villain do you think I am?"
* * *
"I don't know what to do," Clark moaned to Flash at the Watchtower.
Batman entered and glanced at Clark, before turning to Flash. "Is he still whining about Supermanland?"
"Yep."
"I'm not whining!" Clark whined indignantly.
"How would you react if someone did to you what Luthor's doing to Superman?" Flash asked Batman. At the look on Batman's face, Flash added hastily, "Other than breaking his neck, I mean."
"I'd make him regret the day we met," Batman growled.
Clark jumped to his feet. "That's it!"
* * *
"It's not often you agree to a sit-down interview, Superman," Lois said.
Lex, watching the interview on the brand new television in his office, agreed. Part of him hoped that Clark would appeal to the public to stop going to Supermanland. Such an action was sure to spur ticket sales.
On the television screen, Clark nodded. "That's true, but lately there have been so many stories coming out about my life that I thought I should set the record straight. Naturally, I thought of you, Lois."
"Also, you totally owe me."
Clark blushed and gave her a grin. "That's true, too."
Leaning forward, Lois got down to business. "We've heard how, when you were growing you, you were faster and stronger than a human. But you didn't know that you weren't human, did you?"
Clark nodded. "My parents had told me that I was adopted, but never mentioned the part about a spaceship."
"At what point did you realize how very different you were?"
"That's easy. The day I discovered exactly how different I was from most people was the day I met Lex Luthor."
Watching, Lex sucked in a breath. This did not bode well.
"Lex Luthor, the billionaire? The one who created Supermanland?"
"That's right. I never learned the details, but there was a scandal and his father had sent him to Smallville to run the LuthorCorp plant located there. It wasn't long after he arrived that I saved his life" Clark sighed. "When our mouths touched, when our lips met, I knew that my life would never be the same."
In utter shock, Lex couldn't do anything but stare at Clark. He wasn't the only one.
Lois' eyes had widened considerably. "Excuse me? You and Luthor... how old were you when this happened?"
"I was a freshman in high school, so I must have been about fourteen. Maybe fifteen."
"And Luthor was in his twenties, right?"
"I didn't care how much older Lex was. Just like it didn't matter to him that I was only a kid. The only thing that mattered was our relationship."
"Relationship?"
"We were friends. Close friends. The best of friends." Clark's voice quieted and he looked at the floor. "I thought we'd always be together."
Lex put his face in his hands. "I knew 'stuff of legends' would one day come back and bite in me in the ass."
"Are you telling me that your parents were okay with a friendship between their teenage son and the biggest employer in town?"
"Not at all. I remember my mother once advising me to 'cool it' with Lex, but she was usually okay with it. My father, on the other hand, never trusted that the only thing Lex wanted from me was friendship."
"Oh shit," Lex moaned, looking at the television through his fingers. This was getting worse and worse.
"I'm surprised they allowed it to continue."
"Well... they felt better about it after Lex paid off the farm for them."
"I bet they did," Lois muttered. She glanced at her notes and then set them aside.
"Superman," she said, then more intimately, "Clark. I have a question for you and I want you to tell the truth."
"Watch out, Clark," Lex said. "I've seen that glint in her eye. She's about to go in for the kill."
Clark wrinkled his brow in concern at Lois' change in manner, but nodded. "Of course."
"When you were young, did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Fuck, no!" Lex shouted at the television.
Clark's eyes widened in shock. "You are totally misinterpreting everything," he said, entirely flustered. "We were friends!"
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"He was kicked out of the Manor one time. He had no place else to go!"
"Damn it, Clark! Don't take it so literally!" Lex yelled.
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Our house only had two bedrooms. We couldn't let a guest sleep on the couch."
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Yes!"
"NO!" Lex shouted. He stood and reached for the golf club he'd started storing next to the television for just such an occasion.
* * *
Clark flew Lois back to her apartment and ushered her inside.
"That went well," she said.
Clark nodded his head in agreement. "Exactly like we'd practiced. You don't think I overdid it when I said you were misinterpreting things, do you?"
"Nope. You did fine." Lois studied Clark for a moment. "You just launched a bomb. I hope you're ready for the explosion."
"I'm ready. Besides, I'm Superman. If things get too difficult, I'll go to Pluto for a few years until it all blows over."
"Smallville," Lois said, shaking her head, "If Lex reacts badly, Pluto's not going to be nearly far enough away."
* * *
All the news channels and newspapers didn't have a field day with the information revealed at the interview. They had field weeks. A mob of reporters descended on Smallville.
Smallville residents were quoted as remembering that they'd always thought something was strange about Lex and Clark's friendship. One of the first revelations that came to light was the fact that Lex had bought Clark a truck. Some classmates of Clark's recalled Lex dropping Clark off in the morning before school and sitting in the stands to watch his football games. An ex-housekeeper of the Luthor mansion in Smallville swore that Lex used to keep a secret room devoted to Clark.
Soon people were speculating that the reason Clark had run away one summer was because he'd been broken-hearted after Lex's marriage. Others noted that it wasn't until Clark became involved with Lana Lang that the friendship began to dissolve.
More importantly, everyone was wondering what the true reason was for Lex Luthor building Supermanland.
Lex withstood the onslaught of reporters clamoring for interviews. He avoided the rabid Superman fans who believed he'd despoiled their hero. He calmly sidestepped law enforcement's request to discuss the matter of his 'friendship' with an under-aged boy. But when he tried to arrange a gathering of villains and none of them wanted to meet with him because being evil was one thing, but the current situation was much too sordid, that's when Luthor decided to act.
* * *
"Clark!" Lex yelled from his penthouse balcony.
"You called?" Clark landed lightly behind him, causing Lex to spin around. Giving Lex a wicked smile, he remarked, "I probably shouldn't even be here. Hordes of psychiatrists believe I should have no further contact with you."
"Thanks for reminding me that, because of you, everything I've ever done is being analyzed and talked about on daytime television. I swear, if Dr. Phil doesn't shut up about how I needed a hug growing up, I'm going to invent a device that hugs the life out of someone and put him inside."
"By the way," Clark said, making an attempt but failing at being nonchalant," how's Supermanland doing these days?"
"You know quite well that attendance has dropped dramatically. It's amazing how the merest whiff of possible child sexual abuse seems to make families stay away."
"I've denied it repeatedly."
"In a manner that convinces people even more so that something happened." Lex let out a low sigh. "I think it's time we reach a truce."
Clark arched his eyebrows. "Now you want to reach a truce? Now? You never wanted a truce when your life was at stake. You never wanted a truce when it looked like you were going to prison. You didn't even want a truce when those aliens kidnapped you to use you for sexual purposes."
Lex shrugged. "Those aliens had good taste. Besides, don't you want me to close Supermanland forever and never publish those books being written?"
Clark narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "And what do you want in return?"
"I want my reputation back."
"And how are we supposed to do that?"
"The world thinks that I took advantage of your youth and innocence to have my wicked, wicked way with you. The solution is for me to make amends."
"Amends?"
Lex took a deep breath. "I need to make an honest man out of you."
Clark stared at him. "What?"
"An honest alien, then. The creation of Supermanland will no longer look like some sad obsession, but a tribute to a life-long love."
"What?"
"I thought we'd honeymoon in Paris."
"No!" Clark shouted.
Lex shrugged. "Fine. How about Tokyo, then?"
"No, no, no! I'm not agreeing to marry you."
"Of course not. That wouldn't do at all. I need to agree to marry you." Lex folded his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm waiting."
"There's not anything you can say that will make me do this!"
"Fine, but you probably should know that we're thinking about opening a new exhibit - Alien Puberty. It will have some marvelous displays about what kind of changes an alien body goes through. I particularly like the alien sex drive display. It's animatronic, but don't worry. The robot looks nothing like you, except for being tall, buff, dark-haired, and green-eyed."
Clark sighed and dropped to his knees. "Lex Luthor, will you marry me?"
Lex smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."
* * *
Part 2 - The Wedding
"Earlier you nixed Paris for the honeymoon. Where do you want to go?" Lex asked Clark, who was sulking on the leather sofa in Lex's office.
"Venus."
Lex tossed the pen he was holding onto his desk. "You know quite well that I wouldn't be able to survive Venus without a special suit - a special suit that would make consummation quite impossible. Now, where do you want to go?"
"Jupiter."
Lex sighed. "You're just not getting into the spirit of things, are you?"
* * *
Lex stared at the two outfits Clark was holding.
"I guess that means that neither will work for the ceremony," Clark said.
"No, they'll work. Either of them." Lex fingered the white outfit with the black 'S' and then turned to look at the black outfit with the white 'S'. "Where did you get these?"
"According to the A.I., they're modeled on clothes my father wore."
"I don't understand. These are actually tasteful. If Kryptonians wore clothes like these, why are you flying around in a red, yellow, and blue outfit?"
"I'll have you know that my cape is based on the blanket found in my spaceship."
"The blanket in your spaceship?" Lex shook his head and let out a chuckle.
"What?"
"Think about it, Clark. Your clothes are similar to your baby blanket. Your baby blanket. Have you ever really looked at baby blankets?"
Clark considered the matter for a few seconds and his face paled.
Lex nodded and wasn't quite able to keep a smirk off his face. "For all you know, you've been flying around in the Kryptonian equivalent of an outfit decorated with fluffy bunnies and teddy bears."
* * *
"Are you sure you don't want to go over the menu with me?" Clark asked Lex.
Without looking up from his papers, Lex nodded. "Absolutely. We agreed that you would handle the food and drinks and I'd deal with the entertainment."
"I guess that it means I have to decide between yellow and brown."
Lex raised his eyes to a grinning Clark. "Yellow and brown what?" he asked warily.
"Mustard, of course. To go with the hot dogs."
"If you think for one minute that I'm going to serve hot dogs at my wedding, then-"
"Look at the time!" Clark said, interrupting him. "I've got to go. I've got to talk to the vendor. I mean caterer."
With a swoosh, Clark disappeared.
"Clark!" Lex shouted. "Clark!" Realizing it was a lost cause, Lex picked up the phone and called Mercy.
"Mercy," he said, striving for calm, "I need you to destroy every hot dog in the city. Force the weiner-mobile off the road, blow up the Ballpark Frank factory, put out a contract on Oscar Meyer if you must, just make sure that by my wedding day, there's not a hot dog to be had for a hundred miles." Lex thought for a moment. "Better yet, make it the entire North American continent."
* * *
It wasn't too long afterwards (because Lex didn't want Clark to come to his senses and back out) that the wedding was scheduled to take place.
The church was full of their friends and enemies. The flowers, the ones that Clark had substituted for the poisonous ones which Lex had created specifically for the occasion, looked beautiful, and the ceremony was going smoothly until the pastor said those fateful words.
"If there is anyone here who knows a reason why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
Half the audience stood.
Clark and Lex turned around to view all the people who were protesting their marriage.
Taking half a step towards his side of the church, Clark gazed at his friends with pleading in his eyes. "Please, guys. I know you want the best for me, but it's my decision."
Slowly Clark's friends returned to their seats until only Batman and Lois remained on their feet.
"Well?" Clark asked.
"You were supposed to marry me!" Batman and Lois said simultaneously then glared at each other.
Clark gave them a soft smile. "While I love you both and will love you both all my life, Lex is my choice."
Reluctantly, Batman and Lois sat, though those who sat near them claimed to have heard muttered regrets at not kidnapping Clark.
"My friends just want me to be happy," Clark said smugly to Lex.
It was Lex's turn to address his side of the audience. On his side were the most dangerous people alive. Besides Mercy and Hope, there were also quite a few notorious villains.
"If everyone doesn't sit down," Lex said calmly, "I will be fairly irked."
Faces paled and all those who'd been standing hurriedly sat back down.
"My friends want me to be happy, too," Lex said, even more smugly.
The minister restarted the ceremony. "By the power invested in me by the state of Kansas-"
Lex loudly cleared his throat. The pastor blinked, then amended his statement.
"the Almighty God-"
Lex cleared his throat again. The pastor stared at him, then swallowed hard.
"and LexCorp-"
Lex smiled. Clark rolled his eyes.
"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may seal your commitment with a kiss."
Leaning forward, Lex brushed his lips against Clark's and was pleased to note a startled intake of breath. Momentarily he deepened it before pulling back. He turned to his side of the church and gave them a look of triumph.
The look was short-lived for Clark grabbed him by his arms, spun him back around and then laid a kiss on him that caused Lex's heart to race. After a moment, Clark drew back, then gave his side of the aisle a wide grin.
Not wanting to be topped (except in the good way) Lex put his hands on each side of Clark's face and plundered Clark's mouth. The kiss went on, both fighting for dominance until Robin's voice was heard over the buzz of the crowd.
"Batman, are you sure they were enemies?"
Clark and Lex broke apart, breathing hard, and staring at one another. How long that would've lasted is anyone's guess for it was interrupted by the doors at the back of the church being blown to bits.
Lex looked at his watch. "The entertainment's early."
"Entertainment?"
There was a wild cackle and, through the clearing smoke, the Joker appeared. "Boys and girls, having a party without me?"
"Behold, the bad fairy arrives to give his blessing," Lex murmured.
Both sides of the aisle erupted into chaos as punches were thrown and a symphony of kapows and whams filled the room.
Lex turned to Clark. "Since everyone's going to be busy for a while, why don't you fly me to our honeymoon spot?"
"But... but the reception." Clark stammered. "Do you know how far I had to go to get those hot dogs? There's like a shortage or something."
"What a pity we'll miss it." Searching through the crowd, Lex found who he was looking for. "Hey, Wonder Boy!" Lex shouted.
Robin kicked one of the Joker's henchmen unconscious, then swung around to look at Lex. A set of keys sailed towards him and he snatched them out of the air.
"Make sure my car gets back to LexCorp Tower."
In awe, Robin looked at the keys in his hand. "Holy Hot-Rod!"
Lex smiled "And the corruption of good begins."
"What?" Clark said.
"I said it's time for the honeymoon to begin."
Clark gazed at the melee in front of them. "I should really help Batman and the others."
"Nonsense, they're having the time of their life."
"But it's my job."
"You're on vacation." Lex leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Besides, there's champagne chilling."
Clark looked at Lex then back at the fight.
"A warm bed waiting."
Clark appeared torn.
"Plus I took the liberty of having several pies stocked in the larder."
Clark turned his full attention onto Lex. "What kind of pies?"
* * *
"I can't believe we're honeymooning here." Clark said, looking around his old bedroom. He'd had a hard time believing that Lex was serious when they'd been flying and he'd been directed to the now closed Supermanland.
Lex took off his tuxedo jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. His fingers began to work at the knot of his bow tie. "Call it returning to the scene of the crime."
"But nothing happened."
"True. I was still trying to be good then. It should've clued me in that evil was the way to go."
"What?"
Lex moved forward and proceeded to help Clark out of his jacket. "Do you have any idea what I went through while I was here? There was a reason I was up at the crack of dawn raking out stalls."
"You wanted me?" Clark gazed down at Lex who was untying his tie. "You really wanted me?"
"Having you in your bed was one of my favorite fantasies for years."
Clark began unbuttoning Lex's shirt. "You know, if you get to fulfill a fantasy on this honeymoon, it's only fair that I get to fulfill one of mine."
Lex paused in pushing Clark's shirt off his shoulders to arch an eyebrow at him. "You have fantasies? Fantasies that involve sex and not world peace? Or food?"
"Of course I have sexual fantasies!"
"Fine, tell me about one and we'll do it tomorrow night."
Instead of answering, Clark's face reddened. To hide his embarrassment, he concentrated on toeing off his shoes and socks.
"Clark? We can't do it if you won't tell me what it is."
Glancing at Lex from under his lashes, Clark said quietly, "You won't make fun?"
"I promise," Lex lied, as he folded up his trousers.
"Well," Clark began tentatively. "In my fantasy, I'm a slave and you're my master." Clark took a deep, fortifying breath, "And you use me. Sexually."
It was at that exact moment Lex realized he and Clark were destined for one another.
* * *
Although they didn't live happily ever after, during those times in which they weren't intent on killing each other, they were very happy indeed.
The End
Author: mahaliem
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clex
Rating: PG-13
Length: Over 5,300 words.
Summary: The story of Clark and Lex's courtship and wedding.
Warning - This is unbeta'd silliness.
My Big Fat Alien Wedding
Part 1 - The Courtship
"I'm going to kill you," Lex yelled at the television screen which showed Superman's face. Or, to be more accurate, the face of his ex-best friend, Clark Kent.
Lex had been sitting in his office plotting the final steps that would lead to the downfall of Wayne Enterprises, when Mercy had hurriedly entered.
"Boss, you need to see this."
The television flickered to life to show Superman holding a press conference.
"I don't want to hear anything that alien freak has to say," Lex said, but found his attention drawn to the screen anyway. Superman looked solemn, and not in the 'you're going to prison for this' way which always tended to have some frustrated anger behind it.
"I have decided that it's time to devote the rest of my life and expend all of my efforts to ensuring the safety of mankind," Superman said. "I was raised human. I have a human's values. I have human flaws and human virtues. This humanity was instilled in me by my loving parents who found me as a toddler and raised me."
Lex made a mostly silent retching gesture, which caused Mercy to roll her eyes.
"Recently, anyone with whom I have contact has been under increased pressure lately to reveal my secret identity. The latest kidnapping of Clark Kent and Lois Lane by Dr. Derangy to extract my secret identity has caused me to rethink the situation." Superman paused for a moment before continuing. "My mother passed away last year and my father died some time ago. They can no longer be held accountable for their decision to keep my origins a secret and can no longer be affected by my relinquishment of my human identity."
Lex leapt to his feet and stalked towards the television. Superman was giving up his secret identity?
"From now on, I will be known only by my Kryptonian name, Kal-El, or as the world knows me, Superman. My life as Clark Kent, reporter for The Daily Planet, is now over."
"It sure as hell is!" Lex shouted. "I'm going to kill you!"
Chaos was reigning at the press conference, which Clark ignored. He gave the cameras a wave before flying away. At Clark's departure, instead of turning off the television, Lex kicked it and then kicked it again. He wished he had a golf club handy so that he could really have a go at it.
"That... that stupid alien prick!" Lex yelled, whirling to face Mercy, who'd stepped away from the shower of sparks. "I was his best friend! Not only does he not tell me his secret, but when I do hear it from him, it's along with the rest of the world."
"Um... boss," Mercy ventured, "I thought you already knew his identity."
"Of course I knew. But he never told me. He was supposed to. At some point, preferably in an act of desperation due to some incredibly brilliant scheme of mine, he was supposed to reveal his secret identity. Then he was going to plead for my forgiveness and for the return of my friendship. And I would make him beg, oh how I'd make him beg. I'd--"
It was then that Lex noticed the expression on Mercy's face and shut up. At least he hadn't gotten to the part where he forced Clark to become his sex slave as an act of penitence.
"Not that I've ever really thought about it or anything," Lex muttered.
Mercy shrugged. "Well, it's too late to do anything about it now."
"I can still make him regret not telling me. Get Henderson and Barkley from Legal up here immediately along with Malone and Chiu from Special Projects. There's work to be done."
"What about Wayne Enterprises?" Mercy asked. The papers for the takeover were still spread across his desk. "That took years to set up."
"Who cares about Wayne Enterprises when there's a superhero to screw over?"
* * *
"I'm going to kill him," Clark vowed as he stared at the television in front of him.
Flash stood next to Clark, watching the images on the screen. "Remind me to never, ever reveal my secret identity."
The television showed Lex Luthor holding a huge pair of scissors while standing in front of an ornate gate festooned with a ceremonial ribbon.
"This is, I believe, a most fitting tribute to Superman," Lex was saying to his audience. "It is, therefore, with great delight that I personally cut this ribbon and declare Supermanland open to the public."
As Lex cut the ribbon, the sky was flooded with balloons, all bearing a bloated, pulled out of shape, version of Superman's face. The gates swung open to reveal the Kent farmhouse and barn in the foreground. In the background, where the fields used to be, was an enormous amusement park.
"Supermanland?" Flash asked.
Clark groaned. "Also known as 'let's completely trash Superman's childhood memories'. My father must be rolling in his grave to know that Oliver and Lisa Douglas, to whom we sold the farm, sold it to Lex."
"Luthor moves fast. It's been what, maybe two months since you revealed your identity? And he's already opening an entire amusement park just in time for the summer holidays?"
Clark nodded. "I've always suspected that among his mutant abilities he acquired superpowers of evil."
The camera had swung away from Lex and the reporter was extolling the virtues of the Meteor Minefield ride, the Carousel of Mutants, and the Alien Cave of Love.
"I'm going to kill him," Clark muttered again.
"The Alien Cave of Love sounds interesting."
Sometimes it was a good thing that Flash was the fastest man on Earth.
* * *
Lex timed it. It only took three seconds from the moment he stepped out onto his balcony for Clark to appear.
"Clark," he greeted coolly, irrationally pleased that he could now actually use the correct name.
"I'm going by Kal-El now."
"I do seem to recall seeing an interview to that effect." Lex let his eyes wander over Superman's outfit. "Clark, I never thought I'd say this, but you should really think about going back to flannel."
"How could you?" Clark asked.
Lex nodded. "I know. As fashion choices go, flannel is an abomination, but it's much better than what you're wearing."
Clark clenched his hands into fists and stepped closer. "That's not what I meant. How could you open that-that-that monstrosity in Smallville?"
"You mean Supermanland? I'm an honest businessman and it's completely legitimate. Not only legitimate but, may I add, the most lucrative enterprise I've ever embarked on. People are arriving in droves, looking forward to good, wholesome family entertainment. If I wasn't already a billionaire, I'd be one by the end of the year."
"You sold out my childhood!"
"Correction. I'm selling out your childhood. Present tense. I'm also making inroads on selling out your adult years, too."
Instantly, Clark became wary. "What do you mean?"
Lex leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Did you know that people will pay obscene amounts of money for the privilege of sleeping for one night in the same apartment where Superman lost his alien cherry?"
Clark's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. Finally, he managed to whisper a horrified, "You aren't."
"I am," Lex said smugly. "Now ask me about the book deals."
"Book deals?"
"I'm so very glad you asked. There'll be a collection titled 'My Date with Superman' written by those whom you dated once or twice. There weren't that many - you had an abysmal social life, didn't you? Additionally, several of your nearest and dearest have signed contracts with LuthorCorp publications to write their accounts of your relationship. "
"Who?" Clark asked in a voice barely audible.
"Lana, for one. Of course for her I had to throw in a movie deal."
"Movie deal?" Clark swallowed hard. "What about the others?"
"You'll be pleased to know that Chloe, Pete, and Lois refused my offer."
Clark let out a sigh of relief.
"It seems," Lex continued, "that Pete is planning on writing his own book and selling it to the highest bidder - which I intend to be. Chloe is planning a series of articles for her newspaper. Because of her tendency to view you in favorable terms, I intend to crush that publication with an iron fist. As for Lois, she's not going to write anything about you at all."
Clark looked hopeful.
Lex gave him a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "She's too busy scrambling to keep her job as a reporter. It's funny how people are beginning to wonder about the investigative skills of someone who never realized that their partner was an alien."
There was a long pause before Clark spoke. "What do I have to do to convince you to stop this?"
Lex considered broaching the sex slave scenario, but decided against it. Clark wasn't sorry he hadn't told Lex the truth and he hadn't suffered nearly enough.
"There's nothing you can do," Lex declared. "How could I possibly justify closing down Supermanland and denying the world the opportunity to gawk at your childhood home, go on rides that have little to nothing to do with you, and spend disturbing amounts of money which ends up in my pocket?"
Feeling more defeated than he ever had in any of their previous encounters, except for maybe that one time with the kryptonite-threaded underwear and the Wedgie of Doom, Clark flew back to the Watchtower.
* * *
The good news was that a week later, Clark saved a bus full of students from plunging over a cliff in the middle of Kansas.
The bad news was that it was a busload of obnoxious teenagers.
Worse news was that they were returning to school from a day at Supermanland.
The worst news of all was that things got a bit ugly when Superman told them that 'No, he couldn't set them all up with season passes'."
"You suck!" one of the teenagers shouted as he carried the bus to safety.
"And you sucked as a kid, too!" shouted a second. "The Fortress of Solitude - what a dorky name."
There was a chorus of agreement as Clark wondered if he could drop the bus and make it look like an accident. Instead of giving in to temptation he placed the bus carefully on the ground.
Before he could fly away, a young girl wearing braces leaned out the window and smiled at him.
"Don't listen to Robby and his friends. They're jerks." She handed something to him and Clark took it without thinking. "Maybe this will make you feel better."
Clark looked at the object in his hands and, instead of feeling better, felt sick.
* * *
"Luthor!" Clark roared as he flew into Lex's office, going through the wall and sending concrete and plaster tumbling about.
The men gathered around Lex's desk stared at him. Lex simply sighed and rose from his chair. "I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our meeting for another time." Graciously, he walked them out to the reception area, before returning to glare at Clark.
"Do you know who that was? The Ice Capades! No one treats the Ice Capades like that. I doubt they'll ever consider a young Superman show now."
Clark stared at Lex for a few seconds, before remembering the reason he'd burst in.
"Look at this!" he shouted, handing Lex the object the girl had handed to him.
Lex read the writing on the wrapper aloud. "Superman's Mama's Favorite Apple Pie. So good, they'll make you feel like flying."
He looked up at Clark. "I don't see what the problem is."
"Pies, Lex! Now you're peddling pies. Dear God, is nothing sacred to you?"
Lex shifted and appeared uneasy. "Well... the muffins weren't selling."
When Clark spoke again, his voice sounded weak and broken. "You win, Lex. Tell me what I have to do to put a stop to this and I will."
Again, the thought of asking Clark to be his sex slave came to mind. Again, Lex dismissed it.
"If I shut down Supermanland, think of all those men and women who would be out of work. I couldn't do that. What kind of villain do you think I am?"
* * *
"I don't know what to do," Clark moaned to Flash at the Watchtower.
Batman entered and glanced at Clark, before turning to Flash. "Is he still whining about Supermanland?"
"Yep."
"I'm not whining!" Clark whined indignantly.
"How would you react if someone did to you what Luthor's doing to Superman?" Flash asked Batman. At the look on Batman's face, Flash added hastily, "Other than breaking his neck, I mean."
"I'd make him regret the day we met," Batman growled.
Clark jumped to his feet. "That's it!"
* * *
"It's not often you agree to a sit-down interview, Superman," Lois said.
Lex, watching the interview on the brand new television in his office, agreed. Part of him hoped that Clark would appeal to the public to stop going to Supermanland. Such an action was sure to spur ticket sales.
On the television screen, Clark nodded. "That's true, but lately there have been so many stories coming out about my life that I thought I should set the record straight. Naturally, I thought of you, Lois."
"Also, you totally owe me."
Clark blushed and gave her a grin. "That's true, too."
Leaning forward, Lois got down to business. "We've heard how, when you were growing you, you were faster and stronger than a human. But you didn't know that you weren't human, did you?"
Clark nodded. "My parents had told me that I was adopted, but never mentioned the part about a spaceship."
"At what point did you realize how very different you were?"
"That's easy. The day I discovered exactly how different I was from most people was the day I met Lex Luthor."
Watching, Lex sucked in a breath. This did not bode well.
"Lex Luthor, the billionaire? The one who created Supermanland?"
"That's right. I never learned the details, but there was a scandal and his father had sent him to Smallville to run the LuthorCorp plant located there. It wasn't long after he arrived that I saved his life" Clark sighed. "When our mouths touched, when our lips met, I knew that my life would never be the same."
In utter shock, Lex couldn't do anything but stare at Clark. He wasn't the only one.
Lois' eyes had widened considerably. "Excuse me? You and Luthor... how old were you when this happened?"
"I was a freshman in high school, so I must have been about fourteen. Maybe fifteen."
"And Luthor was in his twenties, right?"
"I didn't care how much older Lex was. Just like it didn't matter to him that I was only a kid. The only thing that mattered was our relationship."
"Relationship?"
"We were friends. Close friends. The best of friends." Clark's voice quieted and he looked at the floor. "I thought we'd always be together."
Lex put his face in his hands. "I knew 'stuff of legends' would one day come back and bite in me in the ass."
"Are you telling me that your parents were okay with a friendship between their teenage son and the biggest employer in town?"
"Not at all. I remember my mother once advising me to 'cool it' with Lex, but she was usually okay with it. My father, on the other hand, never trusted that the only thing Lex wanted from me was friendship."
"Oh shit," Lex moaned, looking at the television through his fingers. This was getting worse and worse.
"I'm surprised they allowed it to continue."
"Well... they felt better about it after Lex paid off the farm for them."
"I bet they did," Lois muttered. She glanced at her notes and then set them aside.
"Superman," she said, then more intimately, "Clark. I have a question for you and I want you to tell the truth."
"Watch out, Clark," Lex said. "I've seen that glint in her eye. She's about to go in for the kill."
Clark wrinkled his brow in concern at Lois' change in manner, but nodded. "Of course."
"When you were young, did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Fuck, no!" Lex shouted at the television.
Clark's eyes widened in shock. "You are totally misinterpreting everything," he said, entirely flustered. "We were friends!"
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"He was kicked out of the Manor one time. He had no place else to go!"
"Damn it, Clark! Don't take it so literally!" Lex yelled.
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Our house only had two bedrooms. We couldn't let a guest sleep on the couch."
"Did you ever sleep with Lex Luthor?"
"Yes!"
"NO!" Lex shouted. He stood and reached for the golf club he'd started storing next to the television for just such an occasion.
* * *
Clark flew Lois back to her apartment and ushered her inside.
"That went well," she said.
Clark nodded his head in agreement. "Exactly like we'd practiced. You don't think I overdid it when I said you were misinterpreting things, do you?"
"Nope. You did fine." Lois studied Clark for a moment. "You just launched a bomb. I hope you're ready for the explosion."
"I'm ready. Besides, I'm Superman. If things get too difficult, I'll go to Pluto for a few years until it all blows over."
"Smallville," Lois said, shaking her head, "If Lex reacts badly, Pluto's not going to be nearly far enough away."
* * *
All the news channels and newspapers didn't have a field day with the information revealed at the interview. They had field weeks. A mob of reporters descended on Smallville.
Smallville residents were quoted as remembering that they'd always thought something was strange about Lex and Clark's friendship. One of the first revelations that came to light was the fact that Lex had bought Clark a truck. Some classmates of Clark's recalled Lex dropping Clark off in the morning before school and sitting in the stands to watch his football games. An ex-housekeeper of the Luthor mansion in Smallville swore that Lex used to keep a secret room devoted to Clark.
Soon people were speculating that the reason Clark had run away one summer was because he'd been broken-hearted after Lex's marriage. Others noted that it wasn't until Clark became involved with Lana Lang that the friendship began to dissolve.
More importantly, everyone was wondering what the true reason was for Lex Luthor building Supermanland.
Lex withstood the onslaught of reporters clamoring for interviews. He avoided the rabid Superman fans who believed he'd despoiled their hero. He calmly sidestepped law enforcement's request to discuss the matter of his 'friendship' with an under-aged boy. But when he tried to arrange a gathering of villains and none of them wanted to meet with him because being evil was one thing, but the current situation was much too sordid, that's when Luthor decided to act.
* * *
"Clark!" Lex yelled from his penthouse balcony.
"You called?" Clark landed lightly behind him, causing Lex to spin around. Giving Lex a wicked smile, he remarked, "I probably shouldn't even be here. Hordes of psychiatrists believe I should have no further contact with you."
"Thanks for reminding me that, because of you, everything I've ever done is being analyzed and talked about on daytime television. I swear, if Dr. Phil doesn't shut up about how I needed a hug growing up, I'm going to invent a device that hugs the life out of someone and put him inside."
"By the way," Clark said, making an attempt but failing at being nonchalant," how's Supermanland doing these days?"
"You know quite well that attendance has dropped dramatically. It's amazing how the merest whiff of possible child sexual abuse seems to make families stay away."
"I've denied it repeatedly."
"In a manner that convinces people even more so that something happened." Lex let out a low sigh. "I think it's time we reach a truce."
Clark arched his eyebrows. "Now you want to reach a truce? Now? You never wanted a truce when your life was at stake. You never wanted a truce when it looked like you were going to prison. You didn't even want a truce when those aliens kidnapped you to use you for sexual purposes."
Lex shrugged. "Those aliens had good taste. Besides, don't you want me to close Supermanland forever and never publish those books being written?"
Clark narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "And what do you want in return?"
"I want my reputation back."
"And how are we supposed to do that?"
"The world thinks that I took advantage of your youth and innocence to have my wicked, wicked way with you. The solution is for me to make amends."
"Amends?"
Lex took a deep breath. "I need to make an honest man out of you."
Clark stared at him. "What?"
"An honest alien, then. The creation of Supermanland will no longer look like some sad obsession, but a tribute to a life-long love."
"What?"
"I thought we'd honeymoon in Paris."
"No!" Clark shouted.
Lex shrugged. "Fine. How about Tokyo, then?"
"No, no, no! I'm not agreeing to marry you."
"Of course not. That wouldn't do at all. I need to agree to marry you." Lex folded his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm waiting."
"There's not anything you can say that will make me do this!"
"Fine, but you probably should know that we're thinking about opening a new exhibit - Alien Puberty. It will have some marvelous displays about what kind of changes an alien body goes through. I particularly like the alien sex drive display. It's animatronic, but don't worry. The robot looks nothing like you, except for being tall, buff, dark-haired, and green-eyed."
Clark sighed and dropped to his knees. "Lex Luthor, will you marry me?"
Lex smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."
* * *
Part 2 - The Wedding
"Earlier you nixed Paris for the honeymoon. Where do you want to go?" Lex asked Clark, who was sulking on the leather sofa in Lex's office.
"Venus."
Lex tossed the pen he was holding onto his desk. "You know quite well that I wouldn't be able to survive Venus without a special suit - a special suit that would make consummation quite impossible. Now, where do you want to go?"
"Jupiter."
Lex sighed. "You're just not getting into the spirit of things, are you?"
* * *
Lex stared at the two outfits Clark was holding.
"I guess that means that neither will work for the ceremony," Clark said.
"No, they'll work. Either of them." Lex fingered the white outfit with the black 'S' and then turned to look at the black outfit with the white 'S'. "Where did you get these?"
"According to the A.I., they're modeled on clothes my father wore."
"I don't understand. These are actually tasteful. If Kryptonians wore clothes like these, why are you flying around in a red, yellow, and blue outfit?"
"I'll have you know that my cape is based on the blanket found in my spaceship."
"The blanket in your spaceship?" Lex shook his head and let out a chuckle.
"What?"
"Think about it, Clark. Your clothes are similar to your baby blanket. Your baby blanket. Have you ever really looked at baby blankets?"
Clark considered the matter for a few seconds and his face paled.
Lex nodded and wasn't quite able to keep a smirk off his face. "For all you know, you've been flying around in the Kryptonian equivalent of an outfit decorated with fluffy bunnies and teddy bears."
* * *
"Are you sure you don't want to go over the menu with me?" Clark asked Lex.
Without looking up from his papers, Lex nodded. "Absolutely. We agreed that you would handle the food and drinks and I'd deal with the entertainment."
"I guess that it means I have to decide between yellow and brown."
Lex raised his eyes to a grinning Clark. "Yellow and brown what?" he asked warily.
"Mustard, of course. To go with the hot dogs."
"If you think for one minute that I'm going to serve hot dogs at my wedding, then-"
"Look at the time!" Clark said, interrupting him. "I've got to go. I've got to talk to the vendor. I mean caterer."
With a swoosh, Clark disappeared.
"Clark!" Lex shouted. "Clark!" Realizing it was a lost cause, Lex picked up the phone and called Mercy.
"Mercy," he said, striving for calm, "I need you to destroy every hot dog in the city. Force the weiner-mobile off the road, blow up the Ballpark Frank factory, put out a contract on Oscar Meyer if you must, just make sure that by my wedding day, there's not a hot dog to be had for a hundred miles." Lex thought for a moment. "Better yet, make it the entire North American continent."
* * *
It wasn't too long afterwards (because Lex didn't want Clark to come to his senses and back out) that the wedding was scheduled to take place.
The church was full of their friends and enemies. The flowers, the ones that Clark had substituted for the poisonous ones which Lex had created specifically for the occasion, looked beautiful, and the ceremony was going smoothly until the pastor said those fateful words.
"If there is anyone here who knows a reason why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
Half the audience stood.
Clark and Lex turned around to view all the people who were protesting their marriage.
Taking half a step towards his side of the church, Clark gazed at his friends with pleading in his eyes. "Please, guys. I know you want the best for me, but it's my decision."
Slowly Clark's friends returned to their seats until only Batman and Lois remained on their feet.
"Well?" Clark asked.
"You were supposed to marry me!" Batman and Lois said simultaneously then glared at each other.
Clark gave them a soft smile. "While I love you both and will love you both all my life, Lex is my choice."
Reluctantly, Batman and Lois sat, though those who sat near them claimed to have heard muttered regrets at not kidnapping Clark.
"My friends just want me to be happy," Clark said smugly to Lex.
It was Lex's turn to address his side of the audience. On his side were the most dangerous people alive. Besides Mercy and Hope, there were also quite a few notorious villains.
"If everyone doesn't sit down," Lex said calmly, "I will be fairly irked."
Faces paled and all those who'd been standing hurriedly sat back down.
"My friends want me to be happy, too," Lex said, even more smugly.
The minister restarted the ceremony. "By the power invested in me by the state of Kansas-"
Lex loudly cleared his throat. The pastor blinked, then amended his statement.
"the Almighty God-"
Lex cleared his throat again. The pastor stared at him, then swallowed hard.
"and LexCorp-"
Lex smiled. Clark rolled his eyes.
"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may seal your commitment with a kiss."
Leaning forward, Lex brushed his lips against Clark's and was pleased to note a startled intake of breath. Momentarily he deepened it before pulling back. He turned to his side of the church and gave them a look of triumph.
The look was short-lived for Clark grabbed him by his arms, spun him back around and then laid a kiss on him that caused Lex's heart to race. After a moment, Clark drew back, then gave his side of the aisle a wide grin.
Not wanting to be topped (except in the good way) Lex put his hands on each side of Clark's face and plundered Clark's mouth. The kiss went on, both fighting for dominance until Robin's voice was heard over the buzz of the crowd.
"Batman, are you sure they were enemies?"
Clark and Lex broke apart, breathing hard, and staring at one another. How long that would've lasted is anyone's guess for it was interrupted by the doors at the back of the church being blown to bits.
Lex looked at his watch. "The entertainment's early."
"Entertainment?"
There was a wild cackle and, through the clearing smoke, the Joker appeared. "Boys and girls, having a party without me?"
"Behold, the bad fairy arrives to give his blessing," Lex murmured.
Both sides of the aisle erupted into chaos as punches were thrown and a symphony of kapows and whams filled the room.
Lex turned to Clark. "Since everyone's going to be busy for a while, why don't you fly me to our honeymoon spot?"
"But... but the reception." Clark stammered. "Do you know how far I had to go to get those hot dogs? There's like a shortage or something."
"What a pity we'll miss it." Searching through the crowd, Lex found who he was looking for. "Hey, Wonder Boy!" Lex shouted.
Robin kicked one of the Joker's henchmen unconscious, then swung around to look at Lex. A set of keys sailed towards him and he snatched them out of the air.
"Make sure my car gets back to LexCorp Tower."
In awe, Robin looked at the keys in his hand. "Holy Hot-Rod!"
Lex smiled "And the corruption of good begins."
"What?" Clark said.
"I said it's time for the honeymoon to begin."
Clark gazed at the melee in front of them. "I should really help Batman and the others."
"Nonsense, they're having the time of their life."
"But it's my job."
"You're on vacation." Lex leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Besides, there's champagne chilling."
Clark looked at Lex then back at the fight.
"A warm bed waiting."
Clark appeared torn.
"Plus I took the liberty of having several pies stocked in the larder."
Clark turned his full attention onto Lex. "What kind of pies?"
* * *
"I can't believe we're honeymooning here." Clark said, looking around his old bedroom. He'd had a hard time believing that Lex was serious when they'd been flying and he'd been directed to the now closed Supermanland.
Lex took off his tuxedo jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. His fingers began to work at the knot of his bow tie. "Call it returning to the scene of the crime."
"But nothing happened."
"True. I was still trying to be good then. It should've clued me in that evil was the way to go."
"What?"
Lex moved forward and proceeded to help Clark out of his jacket. "Do you have any idea what I went through while I was here? There was a reason I was up at the crack of dawn raking out stalls."
"You wanted me?" Clark gazed down at Lex who was untying his tie. "You really wanted me?"
"Having you in your bed was one of my favorite fantasies for years."
Clark began unbuttoning Lex's shirt. "You know, if you get to fulfill a fantasy on this honeymoon, it's only fair that I get to fulfill one of mine."
Lex paused in pushing Clark's shirt off his shoulders to arch an eyebrow at him. "You have fantasies? Fantasies that involve sex and not world peace? Or food?"
"Of course I have sexual fantasies!"
"Fine, tell me about one and we'll do it tomorrow night."
Instead of answering, Clark's face reddened. To hide his embarrassment, he concentrated on toeing off his shoes and socks.
"Clark? We can't do it if you won't tell me what it is."
Glancing at Lex from under his lashes, Clark said quietly, "You won't make fun?"
"I promise," Lex lied, as he folded up his trousers.
"Well," Clark began tentatively. "In my fantasy, I'm a slave and you're my master." Clark took a deep, fortifying breath, "And you use me. Sexually."
It was at that exact moment Lex realized he and Clark were destined for one another.
* * *
Although they didn't live happily ever after, during those times in which they weren't intent on killing each other, they were very happy indeed.
The End