Fearless -Fic-
Title: Fearless
Characters: Cordelia, Caleb/Cordelia
Rating: R
Word Count: 1, 803
Summary: She is a liar and a coward.
Disclaimer: I do own them.
Feedback: Is always and greatly appreciated.
Author's Notes: Again, I do not know where this came from, but who am I to question? Another inner monologue piece only this time for Cordelia. Part of the Wavering Lights Universe.
-----------------
This secret is going to kill her.
It’s making her into a coward.
And worst of all a liar.
And she’s never been either of those things.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The pink glares at her, mocking in its sarcastic happy-for-no-damn-reason smiley face. She stares at it for a second and then throws it to the side where it clacks with that plastic sound against all the other sticks. The thirty other pink happy smiling faces because she couldn’t just buy one home kit and leave it at that. Hell, she hadn’t even been able to be satisfied with five. No, thirty of them had been just the right number; thirty so that the teenaged check out girl could stare and judge.
Her legs tremble and it’s a damn good thing that she is sitting on the sink in their bathroom, else she might fall to the tiled floor and never get up. Doomed to remain a fallen picture on the cold surface and what a sad sight that would be. She’s scared, fucking terrified. And why should she be? She has a great husband who loves her and there is nothing else in the world that she wants more than to have a family with him. But this staring at her from the floor, all thirty fucking pink faces, is not what she pictured this being like.
Not what she had imagined. All she can think about is how hard it was for her mother to have Edward, how she had nearly died. Those thoughts sink into her brain. She needs to think about this before telling him and that isn’t fair to Caleb but she’s not exactly being ruled by logic. It’s logic that she needs desperately.
So she resolves not to tell for now, keeping the first secret ever from him, and disposes of all the pregnancy tests that say ‘yes’.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
She doesn’t go to class the next day. For the first time in her entire school career, going all the way back to elementary school, Cordelia Margaret Edgerton - formerly Eppes - doesn’t go to class. That perfect attendance record goes down the drain, but one would think that at twenty five years of age it really wouldn’t mean that much anymore.
For the first time she doesn’t go to classes, staying in Dorchester instead of driving to Harvard. She digs her old breeches and competition coat out of the ‘Dressage-Trunk’. Her feet stamp into the boots and are striding out across their front lawn in a few minutes. The stable looms ahead and Belarius is where she had left him last night. Five minutes later, record time, she has the saddle, girth, and bridle fastened, and she slides into the seat. Her fingers grip the reins tight and the muscles in her face clench as she fights the warring emotions inside her. Then, she snarls and sets him loose.
And then they are flying because she has turned the great thoroughbred loose and they have always been known for being fast horses. Belarius senses her distress and tosses his head as she kicks him up into a gallop. The ground thunders beneath his hooves. Pounding from her heart sounds in her head and the wind the two are creating roars in her ears. Briefly, the thought flits through her that she has left her helmet behind and one wrong twist at this speed could send her smashing to the ground, killing her and destroying the new life inside her before it could even get a real chance.
She urges the horse faster, running from everything behind her, leaving it all there.
But the thing about running away is that the demons chasing you never leave and she eventually slows down until she comes to a stop. There is stillness in the air that not even the hard breathing from the beast beneath her could disturb.
She still has not found her logic and inside she cries out for the answers from anyone who would give them to her.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The stench of horse sticks to her, because she hasn’t showered after turning Belarius back out to the pasture, and so she smells of leather and hair and sweat. Her body has taken up residence in the kitchen now, filling the atmosphere of their once ‘Just-Married’ home with her dark thoughts.
An unopened bottle of wine sits in front of her and she stares at it. Stares at it because she cannot drink it anymore because of the thirty smiling pink faces that had told her she cannot drink for the next nine months or so. But it gives her something to look at and channel her anger, which is really just a cover for the fear and tears that will not come, because dammit if she doesn’t love wine. That thought isn’t fair though because she has always wanted to have kids and, really, how much of an ungrateful bitch is she being when there are so many other people that would love to have children but cannot.
And she’s just scared because her mind keeps telling her that what happened to her mother could somehow happen to her, which isn’t true but isn’t false, but she won’t know until she goes to a doctor. Which would involve her telling her husband because that would be another lie on top of the one she is selling to herself right now. It’s time to tell and let him help her. Hadn’t they promised that to one another in their vows, she thinks, twisting the diamond on her finger.
Grabbing the chardonnay, she stands, moving swiftly to the sink. Her phone is next to the vase of flowers and her husband is number two on the speed dial. It goes to voicemail and she leaves him a non-paranoid message that as soon as he could to please come home, she would appreciate it because she has something to tell him, knowing that he would leave right then because he loves her that much. If he doesn’t come now, then she’ll lose all the nerve she has and the fears that need to be quieted will creep back.
Eyes narrowed, her arm lifts the bottle to smash the neck against the counter and lifting again to pour the alcohol down the drain.
She throws the broken bottle away and exits the dark thought filled room to shower.
She really does smell like a horse and it’s a bit disgusting now.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Her hair is wet and she doesn’t bother to dry it as she slips the purple sweatshirt over her head. There are water droplets that still cling to her bare skin but she doesn’t think about them either. Instead she takes her still wet self, no longer smelling like a horse, and heads for the stairs. It is now or never.
The fear that has been eating her up, that has turned her into a coward, disappears at the sight of her husband. Caleb is on the couch, guitar propped up in his hands, and if she is not mistaken, is playing a very old Randy Travis song about love and dealing with birds and being higher than the trees. She smiles and he hears her enter the room. He lays the instrument aside and she climbs into his lap, loving the way he wraps his arms around her back. Head on him, right where the neck and shoulder met, she prepares herself. He waits and only holds her wet form, allowing her to soak through his clothes.
She breathes out in a rush of words that she has something to tell him and if he could please not be upset with her even though he should be. He nods because he knows her too well and if it is something that has her this upset, this seriousness instead of her dramatic explosions, then it is important for him to let her speak. She takes a deep breath because this is hard and then says it. Just says it. She’s pregnant, or their pregnant, and she’s fucking terrified because her mother nearly died with her little brother and she is afraid that she could do something wrong or that she will be a horrible mother or all of these other things.
His gasp of surprise does not go unnoticed but she plows through it and eventually starts all over with her pregnancy-fear-spiel. Caleb finally has to interrupt her to which she is grateful. He’s not angry, she learns, and his hands cup her face gently, making her look him in the eye. His words hit home that he could not be happier and that ‘they were having a baby’. And then his hands slide down to her still flat stomach, fingers splaying wide. Near black eyes fix her with a stern look and then he states that this is him and her and her and him. Us. And that nothing will happen. If it did, then they would take care of it then because they are him and her and her and him and that beneath his fingers is them together.
For the first time since taking those thirty tests, she smiles, which then turns into giggles as the two of them become excited over the fact that they were having a baby. A baby. He kisses her and she kisses back, her hands running through his hair that has grown out.
The secret is no longer a secret but there is still a fear in her.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Nervously, foot tapping in anxiety, she clutches tight to her husband’s hand in the doctor’s office. The doctor finally opens the folder from her appointment and what he says next could make or break her.
“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Edgerton,” he gives them a cheery smile. “As far as I can tell both mother and baby are fine. The fetus looks to be about four weeks along and healthy.”
“And me?” She asks, needing to know.
“Mrs. Edgerton, both you and your baby are just fine.”
A sigh escapes. Her hand spasms and her body turns awkwardly in the office chair to bury her head against the solid form of the man next to her. Caleb’s voice is lost to her ears as he tries to speak because the only thing that she can register is that she is healthy. She is fine and so is the baby.
She is fine and she has her husband and the family on the way that she has always wanted.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
This secret is no longer going to kill her as she very soon will be telling everyone.
She is not alone in this and has someone to be the strong one.
And if she is a coward because she fears what all mothers fear, then so be it.
Author's Notes:
1: The song that Caleb is playing is My Love Is Deeper by Randy Travis.
2. Yes, Cordelia does have twins. However, they do not know that at this point. It is possible for one of the babies to hide behind the other and escape the ultrasound and the heartbeat only to be heard as one; this actually happened to my friends that are twins, their mother waking up after labor to discover that she had had twins.
Characters: Cordelia, Caleb/Cordelia
Rating: R
Word Count: 1, 803
Summary: She is a liar and a coward.
Disclaimer: I do own them.
Feedback: Is always and greatly appreciated.
Author's Notes: Again, I do not know where this came from, but who am I to question? Another inner monologue piece only this time for Cordelia. Part of the Wavering Lights Universe.
-----------------
This secret is going to kill her.
It’s making her into a coward.
And worst of all a liar.
And she’s never been either of those things.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The pink glares at her, mocking in its sarcastic happy-for-no-damn-reason smiley face. She stares at it for a second and then throws it to the side where it clacks with that plastic sound against all the other sticks. The thirty other pink happy smiling faces because she couldn’t just buy one home kit and leave it at that. Hell, she hadn’t even been able to be satisfied with five. No, thirty of them had been just the right number; thirty so that the teenaged check out girl could stare and judge.
Her legs tremble and it’s a damn good thing that she is sitting on the sink in their bathroom, else she might fall to the tiled floor and never get up. Doomed to remain a fallen picture on the cold surface and what a sad sight that would be. She’s scared, fucking terrified. And why should she be? She has a great husband who loves her and there is nothing else in the world that she wants more than to have a family with him. But this staring at her from the floor, all thirty fucking pink faces, is not what she pictured this being like.
Not what she had imagined. All she can think about is how hard it was for her mother to have Edward, how she had nearly died. Those thoughts sink into her brain. She needs to think about this before telling him and that isn’t fair to Caleb but she’s not exactly being ruled by logic. It’s logic that she needs desperately.
So she resolves not to tell for now, keeping the first secret ever from him, and disposes of all the pregnancy tests that say ‘yes’.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
She doesn’t go to class the next day. For the first time in her entire school career, going all the way back to elementary school, Cordelia Margaret Edgerton - formerly Eppes - doesn’t go to class. That perfect attendance record goes down the drain, but one would think that at twenty five years of age it really wouldn’t mean that much anymore.
For the first time she doesn’t go to classes, staying in Dorchester instead of driving to Harvard. She digs her old breeches and competition coat out of the ‘Dressage-Trunk’. Her feet stamp into the boots and are striding out across their front lawn in a few minutes. The stable looms ahead and Belarius is where she had left him last night. Five minutes later, record time, she has the saddle, girth, and bridle fastened, and she slides into the seat. Her fingers grip the reins tight and the muscles in her face clench as she fights the warring emotions inside her. Then, she snarls and sets him loose.
And then they are flying because she has turned the great thoroughbred loose and they have always been known for being fast horses. Belarius senses her distress and tosses his head as she kicks him up into a gallop. The ground thunders beneath his hooves. Pounding from her heart sounds in her head and the wind the two are creating roars in her ears. Briefly, the thought flits through her that she has left her helmet behind and one wrong twist at this speed could send her smashing to the ground, killing her and destroying the new life inside her before it could even get a real chance.
She urges the horse faster, running from everything behind her, leaving it all there.
But the thing about running away is that the demons chasing you never leave and she eventually slows down until she comes to a stop. There is stillness in the air that not even the hard breathing from the beast beneath her could disturb.
She still has not found her logic and inside she cries out for the answers from anyone who would give them to her.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The stench of horse sticks to her, because she hasn’t showered after turning Belarius back out to the pasture, and so she smells of leather and hair and sweat. Her body has taken up residence in the kitchen now, filling the atmosphere of their once ‘Just-Married’ home with her dark thoughts.
An unopened bottle of wine sits in front of her and she stares at it. Stares at it because she cannot drink it anymore because of the thirty smiling pink faces that had told her she cannot drink for the next nine months or so. But it gives her something to look at and channel her anger, which is really just a cover for the fear and tears that will not come, because dammit if she doesn’t love wine. That thought isn’t fair though because she has always wanted to have kids and, really, how much of an ungrateful bitch is she being when there are so many other people that would love to have children but cannot.
And she’s just scared because her mind keeps telling her that what happened to her mother could somehow happen to her, which isn’t true but isn’t false, but she won’t know until she goes to a doctor. Which would involve her telling her husband because that would be another lie on top of the one she is selling to herself right now. It’s time to tell and let him help her. Hadn’t they promised that to one another in their vows, she thinks, twisting the diamond on her finger.
Grabbing the chardonnay, she stands, moving swiftly to the sink. Her phone is next to the vase of flowers and her husband is number two on the speed dial. It goes to voicemail and she leaves him a non-paranoid message that as soon as he could to please come home, she would appreciate it because she has something to tell him, knowing that he would leave right then because he loves her that much. If he doesn’t come now, then she’ll lose all the nerve she has and the fears that need to be quieted will creep back.
Eyes narrowed, her arm lifts the bottle to smash the neck against the counter and lifting again to pour the alcohol down the drain.
She throws the broken bottle away and exits the dark thought filled room to shower.
She really does smell like a horse and it’s a bit disgusting now.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Her hair is wet and she doesn’t bother to dry it as she slips the purple sweatshirt over her head. There are water droplets that still cling to her bare skin but she doesn’t think about them either. Instead she takes her still wet self, no longer smelling like a horse, and heads for the stairs. It is now or never.
The fear that has been eating her up, that has turned her into a coward, disappears at the sight of her husband. Caleb is on the couch, guitar propped up in his hands, and if she is not mistaken, is playing a very old Randy Travis song about love and dealing with birds and being higher than the trees. She smiles and he hears her enter the room. He lays the instrument aside and she climbs into his lap, loving the way he wraps his arms around her back. Head on him, right where the neck and shoulder met, she prepares herself. He waits and only holds her wet form, allowing her to soak through his clothes.
She breathes out in a rush of words that she has something to tell him and if he could please not be upset with her even though he should be. He nods because he knows her too well and if it is something that has her this upset, this seriousness instead of her dramatic explosions, then it is important for him to let her speak. She takes a deep breath because this is hard and then says it. Just says it. She’s pregnant, or their pregnant, and she’s fucking terrified because her mother nearly died with her little brother and she is afraid that she could do something wrong or that she will be a horrible mother or all of these other things.
His gasp of surprise does not go unnoticed but she plows through it and eventually starts all over with her pregnancy-fear-spiel. Caleb finally has to interrupt her to which she is grateful. He’s not angry, she learns, and his hands cup her face gently, making her look him in the eye. His words hit home that he could not be happier and that ‘they were having a baby’. And then his hands slide down to her still flat stomach, fingers splaying wide. Near black eyes fix her with a stern look and then he states that this is him and her and her and him. Us. And that nothing will happen. If it did, then they would take care of it then because they are him and her and her and him and that beneath his fingers is them together.
For the first time since taking those thirty tests, she smiles, which then turns into giggles as the two of them become excited over the fact that they were having a baby. A baby. He kisses her and she kisses back, her hands running through his hair that has grown out.
The secret is no longer a secret but there is still a fear in her.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Nervously, foot tapping in anxiety, she clutches tight to her husband’s hand in the doctor’s office. The doctor finally opens the folder from her appointment and what he says next could make or break her.
“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Edgerton,” he gives them a cheery smile. “As far as I can tell both mother and baby are fine. The fetus looks to be about four weeks along and healthy.”
“And me?” She asks, needing to know.
“Mrs. Edgerton, both you and your baby are just fine.”
A sigh escapes. Her hand spasms and her body turns awkwardly in the office chair to bury her head against the solid form of the man next to her. Caleb’s voice is lost to her ears as he tries to speak because the only thing that she can register is that she is healthy. She is fine and so is the baby.
She is fine and she has her husband and the family on the way that she has always wanted.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
This secret is no longer going to kill her as she very soon will be telling everyone.
She is not alone in this and has someone to be the strong one.
And if she is a coward because she fears what all mothers fear, then so be it.
Author's Notes:
1: The song that Caleb is playing is My Love Is Deeper by Randy Travis.
2. Yes, Cordelia does have twins. However, they do not know that at this point. It is possible for one of the babies to hide behind the other and escape the ultrasound and the heartbeat only to be heard as one; this actually happened to my friends that are twins, their mother waking up after labor to discover that she had had twins.