The Bar
Title: The Bar
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Barney/Robin
Rating: Teen for occasional language
Summary: The first half of a new episode in the How I Met Your Mother story. Barney's been hiding feelings for Robin for awhile, and while he's been able to keep them in check for now, he finds his own resolve tested by a newcomer from another bar.
Readers, there’s something I should tell you about the average adult male: he’s a jerk. I mean not all men are jerks of course, but every once in awhile you will find someone bad enough to even out all the good guys. That’s usually what Marshall and I keep Barney around for, but this time… well, I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyway, it was a perfectly normal day and Lily, Marshall, Barney and I were sitting at our normal booth in MacLaren’s.
“I met someone,” Robin said as she dropped down next to Barney, a goofy smile on her face that will now forever remind me of going to the mall. Looks of interest formed around the table from all. That is, all except Barney, who instead choked on the Scotch he was in the middle of drinking.
“Really? Who?” He asked in a panicked tone. Robin turned to look at him and he cracked a smile. “I mean, who would be crazy enough to-I was just curious because-huh, you met someone? How uninteresting, hot girl, at the bar, gotta go.” He pulled himself out of the booth and turned towards the bar, where he stood awkwardly for the next 10 minutes while waiting for a hot girl to show up.
Lily cleared her throat. “So who is this guy? Where did you meet him?”
“At a bar,” Robin replied with a grin.
I nodded knowing, “At MacLaren’s, well that’s great! Is he a usual? Someone we know?”
Robin’s grin stayed but her eyes lost their glee. “Um, I didn’t say MacLaren’s.”
“Well, you said bar.” Honestly, I can put two and two together. Bar, MacLaren’s, done.
“Yea, it was, um, at a different bar. Lily, how was your day?”
Lily blinked as Marshall leaned forward. “You went to another bar?”
Robin’s smile was becoming more and more forced as this went on. “Yea, I went to a different bar, is that such a big deal?”
Marshall straightened into his confident lawyer pose. “Let me get this straight, you went to a bar… a bar that was not MacLaren’s?”
There was a gasp among the bar and everyone turned to look at our booth. Robin looked around desperately and her smile dropped. “Yes, I mean, no, I mean… I just had to use the bathroom.”
“Ah,” was the collective response and the normal buzz of the bar returned as everyone turned back to their drinks. Marshall, however, was unconvinced and he continued to give Robin the lawyer-eye.
“Come one, guys, this is New York City! You can’t expect to only go to one bar for your entire life.”
“Yes, you can.” Marshall insisted. “This bar is like, our soul mate. Once you find your soul mate bar you don’t go looking for another bar, just to see what it’s like. No! You stick with your soul mate. You be good to her, like she’s been good to you.”
Robin laughed. “That is ridiculous.”
“Is it?” I chimed in. “I mean, this bar has everything, it has great people, a great location, great alcohol, great…well, it has food. What more could you ask for?”
“I don’t know, maybe there’s something awesome that some other bar has that we don’t know about because we’ve never left this one.”
“Impossible,” Marshall responded.
Robin scoffed. “How would you even know if you’ve never left MacLaren’s?”
“We didn’t always have this place,” I responded. Robin looked at me and I let the silence last another moment, just to add suspense. “No, there was a time when we were out looking for our bar soul mate. Do you remember that time, Marshall?”
“I try not to, Ted.”
“Robin,” I leaned forward over the bar to emphasize what I was about to say, “what you need to understand is that not all bars in New York are like this one. It’s a dark world out there and maybe it’s time you knew about it.”
Robin returned my knowing expression with a glare. “You’re an idiot.”
“He’s right,” the formerly silent Lily said quietly. She had begun to sink into the booth and was staring absentmindedly at her hands.
Marshall leaned toward her with concern. “Lily, you don’t have to-“
“No.” Lily took a deep breath and looked up at Marshall. “I do. Because I will not let Robin fall victim to the same thing that I did.”
He held her gaze for a few moments, and his eyes went from determination to sad acceptance as he nodded. “You do what you gotta do, baby.”
Lily nodded at looked at Robin, whose expression was growing exponentially more confused by the second. Exponentially, readers: it’s a good word.
“There was this one time,” Lily began, “before MacLaren’s, when I went into a bar. I won’t say where it was because I don’t want to spike your curiosity but let’s just say that it was right across from a Starbucks.”
“Lily!” Marshall scolded.
“Marshall, she was going to find out one way or another! Anyway, I had been seeing this other bar for a long time but I was young and stupid and I got curious about what a new bar might look like. So I walked in on my own on a Saturday night and it was…” Lily took a deep breath and Marshall put his arm around her shoulders. “It was just disgusting. There were glasses all over the place, my shoes stuck to the floor, the bartended looked like he hadn’t showered in years, and half the lights looked like they’d been shot out. But bad as that was, it was nothing compared to the people.
“There I was, minding my own business, horrified by the awfulness of this bar when some random guy walked up to me and said: ‘Hey baby, want to make an easy 50 bucks?’”
“No!” Robin chimed in, a look of actual repulsion on her face. “Was he serious?”
“Well, I didn’t think so at first, so I started laughing and he laughed, too, at first, for about a laugh or two and then he stopped and just stared at me until I stopped. That was when it got really awkward.”
“What did you do?”
“I screamed, ‘You couldn’t buy this if you were Bill Gates’ and ran away.”
Robin shook her head. “That was weak, Lily.”
“I know, but I was scared! And I don’t think well on my feet. Anyway, I didn’t even tell you the worst part.” She looked at Robin and waited for a look of expectation. “He had a Jersey accent.”
Marshall banged the table in anger and cursed. Actually, that might have been me.
“I don’t know, Lily, that sounds pretty ridiculous. I’m sure not all the people in every other bar out there is like that guy.”
“Au contraire, Scherbatsky,” Barney said as he suddenly appeared back in the booth. “That is exactly what every other guy in every other bar is like.”
“No, Barney, not you too?” Robin crossed her arms and slumped down. “I thought that at least you would be on my side.”
Barney’s head shot up to her look at her. “Really?” He shook his head violently, “No, I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
Robin sat up and turned to face him. “Alright how do you know?”
Barney grinned. “Because that’s how I am in all other bars. And even here, do you ever see me hit on a regular? I mean, besides the waitress. And the brunette. And that girl with the double D’s, I’m talking cup size and Daddy issues, what up?” Barney raised his hand and a passing regular fived him. “See? That is exactly what I’m talking about. Your bro bar-“
“Soul mate bar,” Marshall interrupted.
“Your BRO bar,” Barney continued, “is like… your clan of stranger bros. You don’t mess with them, and all-well, some-rules of the Bro Code apply to them as Bros-by-bro-bar-association. So instead, you save all that abuse for whatever fresh meat walks in through that door.” He nodded and raised his glass in a small toast to his own wisdom.
Robin let out a frustrated sigh. “Well, the guy I met wasn’t a jerk-“
“Correction, he didn’t seem to be a jerk,” Barney chimed in.
“-and you’d all better get over this because he’ll be here any minute.”
Everyone around the table straightened up and tensed. “What, he’s coming here?” I asked.
“Yes, he is,” Robin answered. “And you’re all going to be nice to him.”
But before we had a chance to respond her, there he was. He was tall, tan, had dark brown hair, and was ridiculously muscular. I mean seriously, his muscles were growing other muscles. But what really burned me about him was that he seemed to be exactly Robin’s type; the only thing he might’ve had too much of for her was teeth. Her smile showed the same thought as she stood up and put her arm through his.
“Guys,” she said in a voice that seemed to have raised several pitches, “I want you to meet Jack.”
Jack actually didn’t turn out to be so bad. He was friendly, charming, and relatively smart considering his expected brains versus muscle ratio. So basically, I hated him a little bit, and I wasn’t the only one.
“I hate that guy,” Barney slammed the door to Lily and Marshall’s apartment behind him.
“What? How could you already hate him?” Marshall shot back as he walked into the kitchen. “He seemed alright. I mean, I know he’s from another bar, but maybe we were wrong.”
“No!” Barney yelled back. “I am never wrong! I know this guy is a jerk, I can just feel it.”
Lily dropped her purse on a chair and put her hand on Barney’s arm. “Come on, Barney, don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
Barney shrugged off her hand. “I am not overreacting! He’s got ‘jackass’ all over him, I can smell it on him like gonorrhea on a stripper.” He straightened his tie and smiled. “Well, he can’t hide from Barney Stinson. None of them can.”
“Barney,” the sound of my voice made him jump slightly as if he had forgotten we were still there, “what are you talking about?”
“Me? Nothing.” He looked around idly. “Hey, so, there’s this thing that I have to…” he started inching towards the door as the rest of us stood frozen and stared at him. “Very important and they called me specifically for…” his outstretched hand touched the doorknob. “Ok bye.” And in one fluid motion he opened the door and was gone.
“Man, he’s been acting weird lately,” I observed. Marshall tossed me a beer and I crashed on the couch.
“Yea, I wonder what’s got into him?”
I opened my can and took a drink. “I don’t know, is there anything going on at work?”
“Naw, nothing out of ‘the usual’.” Marshall brought out the quote fingers.
“What’s ‘the usual’?” I reciprocated.
Marshall looked at me and shook his head. “Trust me man, you don’t want to know. Not even I want to know, and I sort of know. But I don’t even know, you know?”
I blinked at him. “Honestly, I don’t.”
Marshall nodded. “Exactly.”
I sighed and put my beer down on the coffee table. “Ok, so nothing at work, what else is there?”
Marshall shrugged. “He doesn’t seem to be out much. I mean, as much as usual.”
I thought about this, and it made sense. “Yea, now that I think about it I haven’t heard him bragging about any of his latest conquests lately. Well, I mean I have, but not as much as usual.”
“Do you think it’s about a girl?” Marshall asked as he leaned forward in his chair.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe he’s actually dating someone?”
I made a face. “What, like, an actual relationship?”
“Maybe!” Marshall replied excitedly.
“You are so naïve, Marshall.”
“Marshall,” Lily spoke up suddenly from behind me. “Can you help me in the bedroom for a minute?”
Getting the point, I stood up. “Alright, I guess it’s time for me to head out.”
“Ted, you don’t have to,” Lily tried to reassure me. “It’ll really only take a minute.”
I looked at Marshall who looked away and turned red. “That’s not true.”
“Right, I’ve gotta go anyway.”
The door closed behind me and Marshall turned to Lily. “What’s wrong?”
Lily was ringing her own hands and staring at the floorboards. “Marshall there’s something I’m going to tell you that I really shouldn’t tell you but I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.”
Marshall started backing away. “Oooooh no you don’t. Not another one of your secrets, Lily, my brain will explode.” Lily looked up and opened her mouth to speak but Marshall threw his hands over his ears and held his head in a vice grip. “La la la la la la la…” Lily jumped onto his back and Marshall starting running around the living room trying to shake her off. It looked promising for him, until he stubbed his toe on the table. His hands flew down to his foot, “AAAAAH-“
“-Barney’s in love with Robin!”
“Damnit, Lily!” He collapsed on the couch in defeat, and then immediately sprang back up. “Wait, what?!”
Lily was standing in front of him, nodding with her hands on her hips. “Yea.”
They stared at each other in silence for half a minute. “How long have you known?”
“Five months.”
Marshall suddenly stepped forward and embraced Lily. “Oh, baby.”
She nodded into his chest and started crying. “I know.”
“To go that long without saying something that big?” He stroked her hair and shook his fists at all the evil in the world.
“I know!”
Marshall put his hands on her shoulders and stepped back to regain eye contact. “But, do you think he’s serious? Does he really have feelings for Robin? Because I personally wasn’t sold on the whole idea of him having feelings to begin with.”
Lily hit his arm. “Hey! Don’t be mean. And yes, I’m sure.”
“Maybe he’s just trying to hook up with her again and he’s using you as an accessory, I’ll kill him.” Marshall started for the door; Lily grabbed his arm just in time.
“No, Marshall, he’s not lying. He really does have feelings for her.” She collapsed on the couch, still feeling weighed down even though she was now sharing the burden. “It’s been terrible! Every time Ted came in to brag about sleeping casually with Robin, Barney would disappear into the alley for 20 minutes and come back with shattered glass on his shoe. I’m not quite sure what he was doing, but I’m sure it wasn’t good for the innocent glass products involved.”
Marshall sat down next to her and leaned forward in thought. “Man, I didn’t even notice anything.”
Lily nodded. “He’s very good.”
“And Robin?” Marshall asked hopefully.
Lily shrugged. “No idea. I’ve never brought it up.”
The doorknob rattled and they both shot up to greet me as I walked back in. There was a pause and I eventually raised my hand in that dumb way everyone always does when they think they’ll make more sense by doing so. “I think I left my phone here.”
“Right!” Lily exclaimed as she ran off to the kitchen. “I’ll go look for it!”
“Have you checked your pocket?” Marshall countered.
I put my hand against my pockets: front left, front right, “No, I don’t think,” back left, “got it.” I pulled it out and saluted Marshall with it. “Right every time.”
Marshall laughed nervously. “Yea.” There was a slight pause that filled the room with tension. “Ted, Barney’s in l-“
Somehow Lily had flown from the kitchen and was suddenly standing next to Marshall, who was cursing and holding his foot. “Alright, well we’ll see you Ted,” she said in with a winning, if not slightly terrifying, smile.
Too mesmerized by Lily’s speed to recall the words that had already left Marshall’s mouth, I simply nodded, stared at Marshall for another second, muttered a goodbye, and left.
----------
The next day, we all found ourselves once again sitting at our booth in MacLaren’s. That is, Lily, Marshall, Robin, Jack and I found ourselves sitting at our booth in MacLaren’s.
“And so I ran in there, kicked down the door of the his room and carried him out.”
Robin gasped. “Weren’t you scared?”
“Oh, sure, I was terrified. But the first thing that you have to learn as a firefighter is that it isn’t about you or your fear, it’s about the victims and their safety. That’s all that matters.” Jack took a deep gulp of his beer as he finished his grand story about his first momentous save as a firefighter, a fact that Robin had brought up often since our first meeting with him. It was pretty awesome at first, meeting a real firefighter, but we were all starting to get a little tired of hearing about it.
“Wow,” Marshall said as he gazed into Jack’s steely blue eyes, his head resting carelessly in his hand. “You’re like… the Han Solo of firefighters.”
“Dude, seriously?” I looked at Marshall in disbelief. “Solo? A firefighter? How does that end well?”
“Um, he saved Leia. Duh.”
“Yea, for money.” I raised my eyebrows to indicate a serious argument blow.
Marshall sat up to increase his argument damage power. “He saved Luke when he was destroying the Death Star!”
“Ok maybe, but do you seriously see him facing a building that’s entirely on fire and saying to himself ‘Wow, I’m going to run into that highly dangerous building and pull out a bunch of people I don’t know with absolutely no gain to myself!’?”
Marshall opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound escaped it. He slumped dejected into the booth and crossed his arms. “No.”
I nodded and smirked. “That’s what I thought.”
Marshall sighed. “Sorry, I was just trying to think of the most awesome thing I could and that was the first thing that came to mind.”
“Completely understandable,” I responded as reassuringly as I could.
Jack laughed in a way that was less to show appreciation for our wit and more to bring attention back to himself. He then cleared his throat, just to make sure. “Well, it’s be swell guys, but I’ve got to get back to the station.”
Robin’s dorky grin disappeared for the first time since they’d both arrived. “Really?” She stood up sadly as he did.
He smiled at her and winked. “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll see you tonight.”
Robin gave him her smile’s matching snort. “’Kay.”
He turned to point at us. “See you guys later.”
Robin watched him leave and turned back to us. “Wow,” she said with a smile. “Isn’t he amazing?”
Lily let out a barely audible snort. “He sure is something. So, tonight’s the hot first official date?”
Robin nodded. “It’s going to be awesome, he’s taking me to a really nice place.”
“And then you take him out for dessert?” I elbowed her as I left the lone chair for the empty spot on the booth.
“Ha, ha,” she responded mockingly. “And actually, no.”
We all looked at her, our surprise not well hidden at all.
Robin scoffed. “What? Oh come on guys, give me a little more credit than that.”
“Well, you did sleep with a someone for the sole reason that he was naked,” Marshall muttered into his glass.
“You have got to get over that,” Robin snapped back.
“But Robin, I thought you really liked this guy,” Lily cut in as she threw a look at Marshall. “Are you… having second thoughts?” The question ended with an almost hopeful lift.
“No, not second thoughts. I just don’t want to mess this up by rushing into anything.”
There was collected skeptical coughing around the table. And Robin looked around again indignantly for an explanation.
“Look, Robin,” I started delicately, “we’ve heard that before. It’s become cliché.”
“Yea, because you say it all the time.”
“Point taken, but then I usually actually hold off.”
“Oh yea, right.”
“What are you implying?”
“That you-look nevermind, that’s not the point. The point is that I actually don’t want to mess this up. And he understands.”
“You’ve talked about it?” Lily asked.
“Well, yea, and he’s fine with it because he’s such a great guy.”
----------
“Jack is a jerk,” Barney declared as I entered my apartment later that night. “And not just any jerk, but jerk with a capital J-A-C-K-A-S-S.”
I closed the door slowly behind me and dropped my coat. “Hi, Barney, nice to see you.”
“Sexual assault,” he declared as he walked confidently forward and dropped a folder on the table in front of me. “Six counts within the past 3 years.”
I stared at the folder before picking it up and nervously glancing through the first few pages. “Oh my god, Barney, social security number, credit card accounts, bank statements, where did you get this information?”
“Ted, please.” Barney took the folder out of my hands and opened it to a bookmarked page. “Here: one, two, three, four, five, six. I even let that one dropped case from last January slip, so that’s only counting convictions.”
“Barney! You’re insane! How did you possibly-“ And then I actually looked up and saw Barney close up. His hair was disheveled, there were bags under his eyes, and he smelled of caffeine and alcohol, even more so than usual. He was wearing a suit, but it was wrinkled and his tie was gone. It also looked suspiciously similar to the one he was wearing yesterday. “Did you go to sleep last night?”
Barney let out a sharp laugh. “Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long it takes to get this much information on someone? Of course you don’t! But I did, so I knew what I had to do.” He closed the folder and looked back up at me. “So, are you coming?”
“What? What are you talking about, coming where?”
“Ted, Ted, Ted,” he continued pointed back and forth until I, disgruntled, met his eyes. “Did you hear a word I said? We’re going to go tell Jack the Ripper to stay away from Robin, now suit up.”
“Why?”
Barney blinked at me. “Because you can’t expect to make a convincing argument wearing jeans, now come on!”
“No, Barney,” I grabbed his arm as he once again made for the door. “Not why to the suit-although I was wondering that too-but why do you think this is a good idea? Your information probably isn’t right, and even if it was, Robin would never forgive you if you go to try and scare her date off. She’s pretty excited about it. And besides, isn’t this a bit far to go to try and get her to hook up with you again?”
Barney held my gaze for what seemed like hours while a dangerous silence passed between us. Slowly, he straightened, inhaled deeply, and collected all of the invisible self-respect he could muster; it was surprisingly effective considering the rest of his appearance. “I see. Well, if that’s the way you feel about, I’ll just go on my own.” He pulled his arm free of my grasp and again made for the door, but he stopped short and turned back around. “You know what, Ted, you can doubt my morals, you can doubt my methods. You can doubt the information I gather and how I gather it, you can doubt the way I treat every random girl I meet in a bar, you can even doubt the way I dress, yes you can doubt the very suit that makes me who I am but don’t you ever doubt my intentions towards Robin.” His mouth opened like he was going to say more but he decided against it and instead waved me off, grabbed the doorknob, and slammed it on his way out.
----------
Upon arriving at Jack’s apartment, Barney was all ready to knock on the door, tell the guy that he was onto him and to stay away from Robin. On his way over he’d rehearsed infuriated speeches in his head and was preparing himself for the response. Since it was likely that he’d get a bit roughed up, he decided to stay long enough to get a good scar out of it and then run away. With this and the image of Robin’s face when she saw said scar in his mind, he found himself standing in front of the apartment door that, according to his always flawless research, stood between him and his nemesis. He raised his hand with a smile and was ready to knock when he heard a familiar voice inside.
It was Robin, and she sounded happy. In fact, she was laughing. He felt silently against the door and pressed his ear against the wood to listen as Robin and her date shared a pleasant conversation on the other side. He subjected himself to this torture for a few more minutes before he stepped away from the door to stare at his feet. Suddenly, he saw himself as I did a few minutes earlier: disheveled, unshaven, unkept, and-his own addition to the string of adjectives-pathetic. What was he thinking? Robin didn’t want his help, she could take care of herself, and, besides, the muscles on that guy? I mean seriously. He took another sad look at the door, and then turned his back to it, ready to walk down the hallway and back to his empty apartment to shower and shave, but most definitely not sleep.
He made it about halfway down the corridor before hearing something that immediately sparked his interest. Unsure if he was imagining it, he ran back and pressed his ear against the door.
“Jack, seriously, stop it!” Robin let out a scream of shock that sent knives down Barney’s back.
You see, on the other side of the door the scene was a little different than Barney had first thought. Robin’s earlier laugh was not out of joy but awkwardness as she continued to try and turn down Jack’s advances, explaining how she didn’t want to rush into anything. He seemed alright with it earlier that night, and invited her to his place to have a beer or two to finish off the night to avoid, as he said, having to choose whose regular bar they would visit (seriously, readers, stay loyal to your bars). Robin agreed and they ended up there, sharing a beer on the couch as they flirted what Robin thought was playfully at first but was getting more and more forward.
“I’ve got a pretty sweet bear rug in my bedroom, do you want to check it out?” Jack had asked after some innocent conversation about whether or not Dalmatians are the best dogs to have in an emergency situation.
Robin laughed awkwardly. “Tempting as that is, I’ll have to save that for later.”
Things continued in this way until Robin suddenly found herself under the weight of a full-sized firefighter. Not knowing a more appropriate response, she screamed, then the rest of it she says was a blur of the words ‘stop’ and ‘no’ with a few attempted punched thrown in there.
Now, readers, I know it all might seem a little hard to believe, but this is how Barney swears it happens. Upon hearing the second scream, a little thing Barney named ‘the rage’ came over him, and without a moment’s pause for thought he kicked in the door, ran into the apartment, grabbed the first heavy object he could find, and hit Jack in the head with it.
Under normal circumstances, that might have been enough to disarm the man who was currently tearing at Robin’s shirt, but all it seemed to do for this guy was give him a slight headache. Barney claims to have pulled him up off of Robin by the collar, though I think that’s a bit of a stretch, and prepared himself to take the jerk face-on. Sure, he stood a full head and a half taller than Barney, but Barney was filled with a thing called Stupid Determination, and the delusion that he might just walk away with his life.
Robin, surprised but relieved to find the massive weight off of her and with everything she was wearing still intact, looked up to see what caused this sudden change. “Barney?!” she exclaimed in disbelief when she saw the blonde hair and signs of a suit standing on the other side of her aggressor.
Barney looked over at her, winked, and then suffered a blow to the head that knocked him straight to the floor, hitting the coffee table on his way down. Jack grabbed him and pulled him back up to punch him in the stomach, and then back up again into a chokehold. And they probably would have continued in this fashion for some time, Jack had already mentioned earlier that he could go all night, if it hadn’t been for the damsel in distress.
“STOP!” Both the men looked up, as best they each could, to see Robin standing across the room holding her gun in one outstretched hand and her purse in another.
Barney grinned and let out a laugh, which earned him a knee in the back.
“Let him go or I’ll shoot,” Robin said in a matter-of-fact tone.
This time it was Jack who laughed. “I don’t know, baby, we’re a full three feet away, do you think you can aim that far? Is the safety still on? Do you even know how to hold that thing, or is it just a toy that daddy bought you?”
Robin cocked the gun. “I’m Canadian.”
And with Lily-like speed, Barney was released to the floor and Jack had fled his own apartment.
And that’s the story of how Barney got that scar just above his ear. Oh, and how Marshall broke his toe.
xposted to barneyrobin and himym_fic.
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Pairing: Barney/Robin
Rating: Teen for occasional language
Summary: The first half of a new episode in the How I Met Your Mother story. Barney's been hiding feelings for Robin for awhile, and while he's been able to keep them in check for now, he finds his own resolve tested by a newcomer from another bar.
Readers, there’s something I should tell you about the average adult male: he’s a jerk. I mean not all men are jerks of course, but every once in awhile you will find someone bad enough to even out all the good guys. That’s usually what Marshall and I keep Barney around for, but this time… well, I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyway, it was a perfectly normal day and Lily, Marshall, Barney and I were sitting at our normal booth in MacLaren’s.
“I met someone,” Robin said as she dropped down next to Barney, a goofy smile on her face that will now forever remind me of going to the mall. Looks of interest formed around the table from all. That is, all except Barney, who instead choked on the Scotch he was in the middle of drinking.
“Really? Who?” He asked in a panicked tone. Robin turned to look at him and he cracked a smile. “I mean, who would be crazy enough to-I was just curious because-huh, you met someone? How uninteresting, hot girl, at the bar, gotta go.” He pulled himself out of the booth and turned towards the bar, where he stood awkwardly for the next 10 minutes while waiting for a hot girl to show up.
Lily cleared her throat. “So who is this guy? Where did you meet him?”
“At a bar,” Robin replied with a grin.
I nodded knowing, “At MacLaren’s, well that’s great! Is he a usual? Someone we know?”
Robin’s grin stayed but her eyes lost their glee. “Um, I didn’t say MacLaren’s.”
“Well, you said bar.” Honestly, I can put two and two together. Bar, MacLaren’s, done.
“Yea, it was, um, at a different bar. Lily, how was your day?”
Lily blinked as Marshall leaned forward. “You went to another bar?”
Robin’s smile was becoming more and more forced as this went on. “Yea, I went to a different bar, is that such a big deal?”
Marshall straightened into his confident lawyer pose. “Let me get this straight, you went to a bar… a bar that was not MacLaren’s?”
There was a gasp among the bar and everyone turned to look at our booth. Robin looked around desperately and her smile dropped. “Yes, I mean, no, I mean… I just had to use the bathroom.”
“Ah,” was the collective response and the normal buzz of the bar returned as everyone turned back to their drinks. Marshall, however, was unconvinced and he continued to give Robin the lawyer-eye.
“Come one, guys, this is New York City! You can’t expect to only go to one bar for your entire life.”
“Yes, you can.” Marshall insisted. “This bar is like, our soul mate. Once you find your soul mate bar you don’t go looking for another bar, just to see what it’s like. No! You stick with your soul mate. You be good to her, like she’s been good to you.”
Robin laughed. “That is ridiculous.”
“Is it?” I chimed in. “I mean, this bar has everything, it has great people, a great location, great alcohol, great…well, it has food. What more could you ask for?”
“I don’t know, maybe there’s something awesome that some other bar has that we don’t know about because we’ve never left this one.”
“Impossible,” Marshall responded.
Robin scoffed. “How would you even know if you’ve never left MacLaren’s?”
“We didn’t always have this place,” I responded. Robin looked at me and I let the silence last another moment, just to add suspense. “No, there was a time when we were out looking for our bar soul mate. Do you remember that time, Marshall?”
“I try not to, Ted.”
“Robin,” I leaned forward over the bar to emphasize what I was about to say, “what you need to understand is that not all bars in New York are like this one. It’s a dark world out there and maybe it’s time you knew about it.”
Robin returned my knowing expression with a glare. “You’re an idiot.”
“He’s right,” the formerly silent Lily said quietly. She had begun to sink into the booth and was staring absentmindedly at her hands.
Marshall leaned toward her with concern. “Lily, you don’t have to-“
“No.” Lily took a deep breath and looked up at Marshall. “I do. Because I will not let Robin fall victim to the same thing that I did.”
He held her gaze for a few moments, and his eyes went from determination to sad acceptance as he nodded. “You do what you gotta do, baby.”
Lily nodded at looked at Robin, whose expression was growing exponentially more confused by the second. Exponentially, readers: it’s a good word.
“There was this one time,” Lily began, “before MacLaren’s, when I went into a bar. I won’t say where it was because I don’t want to spike your curiosity but let’s just say that it was right across from a Starbucks.”
“Lily!” Marshall scolded.
“Marshall, she was going to find out one way or another! Anyway, I had been seeing this other bar for a long time but I was young and stupid and I got curious about what a new bar might look like. So I walked in on my own on a Saturday night and it was…” Lily took a deep breath and Marshall put his arm around her shoulders. “It was just disgusting. There were glasses all over the place, my shoes stuck to the floor, the bartended looked like he hadn’t showered in years, and half the lights looked like they’d been shot out. But bad as that was, it was nothing compared to the people.
“There I was, minding my own business, horrified by the awfulness of this bar when some random guy walked up to me and said: ‘Hey baby, want to make an easy 50 bucks?’”
“No!” Robin chimed in, a look of actual repulsion on her face. “Was he serious?”
“Well, I didn’t think so at first, so I started laughing and he laughed, too, at first, for about a laugh or two and then he stopped and just stared at me until I stopped. That was when it got really awkward.”
“What did you do?”
“I screamed, ‘You couldn’t buy this if you were Bill Gates’ and ran away.”
Robin shook her head. “That was weak, Lily.”
“I know, but I was scared! And I don’t think well on my feet. Anyway, I didn’t even tell you the worst part.” She looked at Robin and waited for a look of expectation. “He had a Jersey accent.”
Marshall banged the table in anger and cursed. Actually, that might have been me.
“I don’t know, Lily, that sounds pretty ridiculous. I’m sure not all the people in every other bar out there is like that guy.”
“Au contraire, Scherbatsky,” Barney said as he suddenly appeared back in the booth. “That is exactly what every other guy in every other bar is like.”
“No, Barney, not you too?” Robin crossed her arms and slumped down. “I thought that at least you would be on my side.”
Barney’s head shot up to her look at her. “Really?” He shook his head violently, “No, I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
Robin sat up and turned to face him. “Alright how do you know?”
Barney grinned. “Because that’s how I am in all other bars. And even here, do you ever see me hit on a regular? I mean, besides the waitress. And the brunette. And that girl with the double D’s, I’m talking cup size and Daddy issues, what up?” Barney raised his hand and a passing regular fived him. “See? That is exactly what I’m talking about. Your bro bar-“
“Soul mate bar,” Marshall interrupted.
“Your BRO bar,” Barney continued, “is like… your clan of stranger bros. You don’t mess with them, and all-well, some-rules of the Bro Code apply to them as Bros-by-bro-bar-association. So instead, you save all that abuse for whatever fresh meat walks in through that door.” He nodded and raised his glass in a small toast to his own wisdom.
Robin let out a frustrated sigh. “Well, the guy I met wasn’t a jerk-“
“Correction, he didn’t seem to be a jerk,” Barney chimed in.
“-and you’d all better get over this because he’ll be here any minute.”
Everyone around the table straightened up and tensed. “What, he’s coming here?” I asked.
“Yes, he is,” Robin answered. “And you’re all going to be nice to him.”
But before we had a chance to respond her, there he was. He was tall, tan, had dark brown hair, and was ridiculously muscular. I mean seriously, his muscles were growing other muscles. But what really burned me about him was that he seemed to be exactly Robin’s type; the only thing he might’ve had too much of for her was teeth. Her smile showed the same thought as she stood up and put her arm through his.
“Guys,” she said in a voice that seemed to have raised several pitches, “I want you to meet Jack.”
Jack actually didn’t turn out to be so bad. He was friendly, charming, and relatively smart considering his expected brains versus muscle ratio. So basically, I hated him a little bit, and I wasn’t the only one.
“I hate that guy,” Barney slammed the door to Lily and Marshall’s apartment behind him.
“What? How could you already hate him?” Marshall shot back as he walked into the kitchen. “He seemed alright. I mean, I know he’s from another bar, but maybe we were wrong.”
“No!” Barney yelled back. “I am never wrong! I know this guy is a jerk, I can just feel it.”
Lily dropped her purse on a chair and put her hand on Barney’s arm. “Come on, Barney, don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
Barney shrugged off her hand. “I am not overreacting! He’s got ‘jackass’ all over him, I can smell it on him like gonorrhea on a stripper.” He straightened his tie and smiled. “Well, he can’t hide from Barney Stinson. None of them can.”
“Barney,” the sound of my voice made him jump slightly as if he had forgotten we were still there, “what are you talking about?”
“Me? Nothing.” He looked around idly. “Hey, so, there’s this thing that I have to…” he started inching towards the door as the rest of us stood frozen and stared at him. “Very important and they called me specifically for…” his outstretched hand touched the doorknob. “Ok bye.” And in one fluid motion he opened the door and was gone.
“Man, he’s been acting weird lately,” I observed. Marshall tossed me a beer and I crashed on the couch.
“Yea, I wonder what’s got into him?”
I opened my can and took a drink. “I don’t know, is there anything going on at work?”
“Naw, nothing out of ‘the usual’.” Marshall brought out the quote fingers.
“What’s ‘the usual’?” I reciprocated.
Marshall looked at me and shook his head. “Trust me man, you don’t want to know. Not even I want to know, and I sort of know. But I don’t even know, you know?”
I blinked at him. “Honestly, I don’t.”
Marshall nodded. “Exactly.”
I sighed and put my beer down on the coffee table. “Ok, so nothing at work, what else is there?”
Marshall shrugged. “He doesn’t seem to be out much. I mean, as much as usual.”
I thought about this, and it made sense. “Yea, now that I think about it I haven’t heard him bragging about any of his latest conquests lately. Well, I mean I have, but not as much as usual.”
“Do you think it’s about a girl?” Marshall asked as he leaned forward in his chair.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe he’s actually dating someone?”
I made a face. “What, like, an actual relationship?”
“Maybe!” Marshall replied excitedly.
“You are so naïve, Marshall.”
“Marshall,” Lily spoke up suddenly from behind me. “Can you help me in the bedroom for a minute?”
Getting the point, I stood up. “Alright, I guess it’s time for me to head out.”
“Ted, you don’t have to,” Lily tried to reassure me. “It’ll really only take a minute.”
I looked at Marshall who looked away and turned red. “That’s not true.”
“Right, I’ve gotta go anyway.”
The door closed behind me and Marshall turned to Lily. “What’s wrong?”
Lily was ringing her own hands and staring at the floorboards. “Marshall there’s something I’m going to tell you that I really shouldn’t tell you but I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.”
Marshall started backing away. “Oooooh no you don’t. Not another one of your secrets, Lily, my brain will explode.” Lily looked up and opened her mouth to speak but Marshall threw his hands over his ears and held his head in a vice grip. “La la la la la la la…” Lily jumped onto his back and Marshall starting running around the living room trying to shake her off. It looked promising for him, until he stubbed his toe on the table. His hands flew down to his foot, “AAAAAH-“
“-Barney’s in love with Robin!”
“Damnit, Lily!” He collapsed on the couch in defeat, and then immediately sprang back up. “Wait, what?!”
Lily was standing in front of him, nodding with her hands on her hips. “Yea.”
They stared at each other in silence for half a minute. “How long have you known?”
“Five months.”
Marshall suddenly stepped forward and embraced Lily. “Oh, baby.”
She nodded into his chest and started crying. “I know.”
“To go that long without saying something that big?” He stroked her hair and shook his fists at all the evil in the world.
“I know!”
Marshall put his hands on her shoulders and stepped back to regain eye contact. “But, do you think he’s serious? Does he really have feelings for Robin? Because I personally wasn’t sold on the whole idea of him having feelings to begin with.”
Lily hit his arm. “Hey! Don’t be mean. And yes, I’m sure.”
“Maybe he’s just trying to hook up with her again and he’s using you as an accessory, I’ll kill him.” Marshall started for the door; Lily grabbed his arm just in time.
“No, Marshall, he’s not lying. He really does have feelings for her.” She collapsed on the couch, still feeling weighed down even though she was now sharing the burden. “It’s been terrible! Every time Ted came in to brag about sleeping casually with Robin, Barney would disappear into the alley for 20 minutes and come back with shattered glass on his shoe. I’m not quite sure what he was doing, but I’m sure it wasn’t good for the innocent glass products involved.”
Marshall sat down next to her and leaned forward in thought. “Man, I didn’t even notice anything.”
Lily nodded. “He’s very good.”
“And Robin?” Marshall asked hopefully.
Lily shrugged. “No idea. I’ve never brought it up.”
The doorknob rattled and they both shot up to greet me as I walked back in. There was a pause and I eventually raised my hand in that dumb way everyone always does when they think they’ll make more sense by doing so. “I think I left my phone here.”
“Right!” Lily exclaimed as she ran off to the kitchen. “I’ll go look for it!”
“Have you checked your pocket?” Marshall countered.
I put my hand against my pockets: front left, front right, “No, I don’t think,” back left, “got it.” I pulled it out and saluted Marshall with it. “Right every time.”
Marshall laughed nervously. “Yea.” There was a slight pause that filled the room with tension. “Ted, Barney’s in l-“
Somehow Lily had flown from the kitchen and was suddenly standing next to Marshall, who was cursing and holding his foot. “Alright, well we’ll see you Ted,” she said in with a winning, if not slightly terrifying, smile.
Too mesmerized by Lily’s speed to recall the words that had already left Marshall’s mouth, I simply nodded, stared at Marshall for another second, muttered a goodbye, and left.
----------
The next day, we all found ourselves once again sitting at our booth in MacLaren’s. That is, Lily, Marshall, Robin, Jack and I found ourselves sitting at our booth in MacLaren’s.
“And so I ran in there, kicked down the door of the his room and carried him out.”
Robin gasped. “Weren’t you scared?”
“Oh, sure, I was terrified. But the first thing that you have to learn as a firefighter is that it isn’t about you or your fear, it’s about the victims and their safety. That’s all that matters.” Jack took a deep gulp of his beer as he finished his grand story about his first momentous save as a firefighter, a fact that Robin had brought up often since our first meeting with him. It was pretty awesome at first, meeting a real firefighter, but we were all starting to get a little tired of hearing about it.
“Wow,” Marshall said as he gazed into Jack’s steely blue eyes, his head resting carelessly in his hand. “You’re like… the Han Solo of firefighters.”
“Dude, seriously?” I looked at Marshall in disbelief. “Solo? A firefighter? How does that end well?”
“Um, he saved Leia. Duh.”
“Yea, for money.” I raised my eyebrows to indicate a serious argument blow.
Marshall sat up to increase his argument damage power. “He saved Luke when he was destroying the Death Star!”
“Ok maybe, but do you seriously see him facing a building that’s entirely on fire and saying to himself ‘Wow, I’m going to run into that highly dangerous building and pull out a bunch of people I don’t know with absolutely no gain to myself!’?”
Marshall opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound escaped it. He slumped dejected into the booth and crossed his arms. “No.”
I nodded and smirked. “That’s what I thought.”
Marshall sighed. “Sorry, I was just trying to think of the most awesome thing I could and that was the first thing that came to mind.”
“Completely understandable,” I responded as reassuringly as I could.
Jack laughed in a way that was less to show appreciation for our wit and more to bring attention back to himself. He then cleared his throat, just to make sure. “Well, it’s be swell guys, but I’ve got to get back to the station.”
Robin’s dorky grin disappeared for the first time since they’d both arrived. “Really?” She stood up sadly as he did.
He smiled at her and winked. “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll see you tonight.”
Robin gave him her smile’s matching snort. “’Kay.”
He turned to point at us. “See you guys later.”
Robin watched him leave and turned back to us. “Wow,” she said with a smile. “Isn’t he amazing?”
Lily let out a barely audible snort. “He sure is something. So, tonight’s the hot first official date?”
Robin nodded. “It’s going to be awesome, he’s taking me to a really nice place.”
“And then you take him out for dessert?” I elbowed her as I left the lone chair for the empty spot on the booth.
“Ha, ha,” she responded mockingly. “And actually, no.”
We all looked at her, our surprise not well hidden at all.
Robin scoffed. “What? Oh come on guys, give me a little more credit than that.”
“Well, you did sleep with a someone for the sole reason that he was naked,” Marshall muttered into his glass.
“You have got to get over that,” Robin snapped back.
“But Robin, I thought you really liked this guy,” Lily cut in as she threw a look at Marshall. “Are you… having second thoughts?” The question ended with an almost hopeful lift.
“No, not second thoughts. I just don’t want to mess this up by rushing into anything.”
There was collected skeptical coughing around the table. And Robin looked around again indignantly for an explanation.
“Look, Robin,” I started delicately, “we’ve heard that before. It’s become cliché.”
“Yea, because you say it all the time.”
“Point taken, but then I usually actually hold off.”
“Oh yea, right.”
“What are you implying?”
“That you-look nevermind, that’s not the point. The point is that I actually don’t want to mess this up. And he understands.”
“You’ve talked about it?” Lily asked.
“Well, yea, and he’s fine with it because he’s such a great guy.”
----------
“Jack is a jerk,” Barney declared as I entered my apartment later that night. “And not just any jerk, but jerk with a capital J-A-C-K-A-S-S.”
I closed the door slowly behind me and dropped my coat. “Hi, Barney, nice to see you.”
“Sexual assault,” he declared as he walked confidently forward and dropped a folder on the table in front of me. “Six counts within the past 3 years.”
I stared at the folder before picking it up and nervously glancing through the first few pages. “Oh my god, Barney, social security number, credit card accounts, bank statements, where did you get this information?”
“Ted, please.” Barney took the folder out of my hands and opened it to a bookmarked page. “Here: one, two, three, four, five, six. I even let that one dropped case from last January slip, so that’s only counting convictions.”
“Barney! You’re insane! How did you possibly-“ And then I actually looked up and saw Barney close up. His hair was disheveled, there were bags under his eyes, and he smelled of caffeine and alcohol, even more so than usual. He was wearing a suit, but it was wrinkled and his tie was gone. It also looked suspiciously similar to the one he was wearing yesterday. “Did you go to sleep last night?”
Barney let out a sharp laugh. “Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long it takes to get this much information on someone? Of course you don’t! But I did, so I knew what I had to do.” He closed the folder and looked back up at me. “So, are you coming?”
“What? What are you talking about, coming where?”
“Ted, Ted, Ted,” he continued pointed back and forth until I, disgruntled, met his eyes. “Did you hear a word I said? We’re going to go tell Jack the Ripper to stay away from Robin, now suit up.”
“Why?”
Barney blinked at me. “Because you can’t expect to make a convincing argument wearing jeans, now come on!”
“No, Barney,” I grabbed his arm as he once again made for the door. “Not why to the suit-although I was wondering that too-but why do you think this is a good idea? Your information probably isn’t right, and even if it was, Robin would never forgive you if you go to try and scare her date off. She’s pretty excited about it. And besides, isn’t this a bit far to go to try and get her to hook up with you again?”
Barney held my gaze for what seemed like hours while a dangerous silence passed between us. Slowly, he straightened, inhaled deeply, and collected all of the invisible self-respect he could muster; it was surprisingly effective considering the rest of his appearance. “I see. Well, if that’s the way you feel about, I’ll just go on my own.” He pulled his arm free of my grasp and again made for the door, but he stopped short and turned back around. “You know what, Ted, you can doubt my morals, you can doubt my methods. You can doubt the information I gather and how I gather it, you can doubt the way I treat every random girl I meet in a bar, you can even doubt the way I dress, yes you can doubt the very suit that makes me who I am but don’t you ever doubt my intentions towards Robin.” His mouth opened like he was going to say more but he decided against it and instead waved me off, grabbed the doorknob, and slammed it on his way out.
----------
Upon arriving at Jack’s apartment, Barney was all ready to knock on the door, tell the guy that he was onto him and to stay away from Robin. On his way over he’d rehearsed infuriated speeches in his head and was preparing himself for the response. Since it was likely that he’d get a bit roughed up, he decided to stay long enough to get a good scar out of it and then run away. With this and the image of Robin’s face when she saw said scar in his mind, he found himself standing in front of the apartment door that, according to his always flawless research, stood between him and his nemesis. He raised his hand with a smile and was ready to knock when he heard a familiar voice inside.
It was Robin, and she sounded happy. In fact, she was laughing. He felt silently against the door and pressed his ear against the wood to listen as Robin and her date shared a pleasant conversation on the other side. He subjected himself to this torture for a few more minutes before he stepped away from the door to stare at his feet. Suddenly, he saw himself as I did a few minutes earlier: disheveled, unshaven, unkept, and-his own addition to the string of adjectives-pathetic. What was he thinking? Robin didn’t want his help, she could take care of herself, and, besides, the muscles on that guy? I mean seriously. He took another sad look at the door, and then turned his back to it, ready to walk down the hallway and back to his empty apartment to shower and shave, but most definitely not sleep.
He made it about halfway down the corridor before hearing something that immediately sparked his interest. Unsure if he was imagining it, he ran back and pressed his ear against the door.
“Jack, seriously, stop it!” Robin let out a scream of shock that sent knives down Barney’s back.
You see, on the other side of the door the scene was a little different than Barney had first thought. Robin’s earlier laugh was not out of joy but awkwardness as she continued to try and turn down Jack’s advances, explaining how she didn’t want to rush into anything. He seemed alright with it earlier that night, and invited her to his place to have a beer or two to finish off the night to avoid, as he said, having to choose whose regular bar they would visit (seriously, readers, stay loyal to your bars). Robin agreed and they ended up there, sharing a beer on the couch as they flirted what Robin thought was playfully at first but was getting more and more forward.
“I’ve got a pretty sweet bear rug in my bedroom, do you want to check it out?” Jack had asked after some innocent conversation about whether or not Dalmatians are the best dogs to have in an emergency situation.
Robin laughed awkwardly. “Tempting as that is, I’ll have to save that for later.”
Things continued in this way until Robin suddenly found herself under the weight of a full-sized firefighter. Not knowing a more appropriate response, she screamed, then the rest of it she says was a blur of the words ‘stop’ and ‘no’ with a few attempted punched thrown in there.
Now, readers, I know it all might seem a little hard to believe, but this is how Barney swears it happens. Upon hearing the second scream, a little thing Barney named ‘the rage’ came over him, and without a moment’s pause for thought he kicked in the door, ran into the apartment, grabbed the first heavy object he could find, and hit Jack in the head with it.
Under normal circumstances, that might have been enough to disarm the man who was currently tearing at Robin’s shirt, but all it seemed to do for this guy was give him a slight headache. Barney claims to have pulled him up off of Robin by the collar, though I think that’s a bit of a stretch, and prepared himself to take the jerk face-on. Sure, he stood a full head and a half taller than Barney, but Barney was filled with a thing called Stupid Determination, and the delusion that he might just walk away with his life.
Robin, surprised but relieved to find the massive weight off of her and with everything she was wearing still intact, looked up to see what caused this sudden change. “Barney?!” she exclaimed in disbelief when she saw the blonde hair and signs of a suit standing on the other side of her aggressor.
Barney looked over at her, winked, and then suffered a blow to the head that knocked him straight to the floor, hitting the coffee table on his way down. Jack grabbed him and pulled him back up to punch him in the stomach, and then back up again into a chokehold. And they probably would have continued in this fashion for some time, Jack had already mentioned earlier that he could go all night, if it hadn’t been for the damsel in distress.
“STOP!” Both the men looked up, as best they each could, to see Robin standing across the room holding her gun in one outstretched hand and her purse in another.
Barney grinned and let out a laugh, which earned him a knee in the back.
“Let him go or I’ll shoot,” Robin said in a matter-of-fact tone.
This time it was Jack who laughed. “I don’t know, baby, we’re a full three feet away, do you think you can aim that far? Is the safety still on? Do you even know how to hold that thing, or is it just a toy that daddy bought you?”
Robin cocked the gun. “I’m Canadian.”
And with Lily-like speed, Barney was released to the floor and Jack had fled his own apartment.
And that’s the story of how Barney got that scar just above his ear. Oh, and how Marshall broke his toe.
xposted to barneyrobin and himym_fic.