[FIC] Department of Oversharing [Original]

[maebynot]

Title: Department of Oversharing
Author: Alaina, a.k.a. maebynot
Summary: A Dinner at the Uncle Jeanses opens up a whole can of mind-grapes: mind-grapes Alaina wishes she could squish so she doesn’t have to think them anymore.
Rating: TV-14 for sexual references
Word Count: 800
Author’s Notes: Exorcism in writing.



Alaina respects secrets and privacy. Her LiveJournal account notwithstanding, there are some things Alaina doesn’t like to talk about, things she prefers to keep private. She has no qualms telling Erin her current weight, because she knows she certainly doesn’t look like she weighs as much as the scale says. She doesn’t have any problem gossiping about people; she has to do something with her spare time.

In fact, here are five ‘secrets’ that Alaina will admit to, freely, even in a court of law:

• She watches porn. She first watched porn in college, with her buddies who would play drinking games to the action. It no longer titillates, and she watches it now merely as a sociological study (of sorts). She couldn’t really confer with Brad about how explicit Zach and Miri Make a Porno was because to her, it wasn’t that graphic. Maybe Brad’s unaware of how hardcore porn has gotten in the past ten years.
• While she prefers mysteries and thrillers, as well as classics and new literature, she also reads historical romances and, occasionally, Harlequin Blaze. But she never - ever - brings the latter in to work, as the boys teased her about reading The Masque of the Black Tulip (and by boys, she of course means Uncle Jean). And there wasn’t even a true sex scene in that book - thank goodness he didn’t flip through The Secret History of the Pink Carnation when she was reading that.
• She has daddy issues - or, at least that’s what she attributes her unhealthy attraction to such fictional characters as Jack Bristow and Rupert Giles (and even HRG and Dr. Cox, now). The problem is that she doesn’t know where her daddy issues stem from, as she has a very healthy relationship with her father.
• For all of her pop culture gluttony, she has actually never seen Casablanca. Or Star Wars.
• She wishes that Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy will get together, if only for one episode. Or at least continue to pretend that they’re lovers, as they did in “Do-Over.”

So while Alaina has no problem giving out her own secrets, there are some things in life that she really, really, doesn’t need to know, thank you, could you please pass the acid so she can burn out that section of her brain now?

For instance:

• Sex lives of people she knows. Sure, she can watch porn, and she can - well, read porn, but those aren’t real people. In those instances, she can put her face on the girl and Daniel Craig’s on the guy and continue on her merry way. But sex with people she knows - that’s just weird. And gross.
• She also doesn’t need to know that you’re on your way to the bathroom.
• Here, let’s just put a moratorium on “things involving your genitals” and move on, okay?
• If you are currently married, she doesn’t really need to know about any previous escapades, like that threeway you had in the back of your Pinto, or that stripper you dated. It makes it seem as if you prefer the memory to the real thing, and that’s kind of wrong.
• What Phoebe Price is wearing today.

In this vein, here are the Five Things Alaina Wishes She Could Un-Know About Uncle Jean.

1. That Aunt Amy uses ‘vasectomy’ as birth control.
2. And that a vasectomy doesn’t affect the hydraulic system, ifyaknowwhaddimean.
3. What Uncle Jean looked like with a mullet (and for this one, thanks go out to Little Emily).
4. That when Uncle Jean got his new computer a couple of years ago, he asked Brad if he could burn his (Brad’s) copies of Girls Gone Wild DVDs. (And that’s number one on the list of Things I Want to Un-Know About Brad.)
5. In between the former love of his life, Terri (or Terry?), and Aunt Amy, Uncle Jean dated Kelli From the Deli - a deli worker at the Lewiston Shop ‘n’ Save who moonlit as a cake-breaker-outer. We’re not sure if Kelli had a last name.

To conclude, here are the Five Things Uncle Jean Should Know About Alaina:

1. Although she acts to the contrary, Alaina actually has a very sensitive nature.
2. Her biological clock is ticking, so don’t be showing any baby pictures at future dinners, okay?
3. She needs at least one month in between Dinners, by the way. Too much of a weird thing just gets weirder.
4. She doesn’t spend the night at too many houses. She likes her bed, and her pillows, and her toothbrush, holy crap on a cracker!

1. Amended: Alaina sleeps where her toothbrush is. And part of that statement includes the logic that Alaina doesn’t borrow toothbrushes.
2. SHE IS NOT ACTUALLY RELATED TO YOU.

Thank you, and good night.