"Daily Bread, For Seven Summers"1/4
Title:Daily Bread, For Seven Summers 1/4
Author:
apostrophee archived @
maddys_slash
Word Count: Total 28,070
Paring: Jared/Jensen main focus; mild experimental underage Chad/Jared; brief Jensen/Chris
Rating/ Genre: NC-17 for explicit sexual situation; AU angst, romance
Summary: With every passing summer, another lesson is learned. The summer of ‘74 was supposed to be the summer of love, but with his brother off at the war, it was hard for Jared to see an upside to life. That is until he meets his new step-cousin Jensen, the jaded nephew of a preacher who through the course of seven summers teaches him things to last a lifetime.
AN: Based upon an original idea by
laugiana This is a reworked and completed version of the story originally posted, and never finished, from September 2007 - February 2008. To those who read the original story, you can pick things up in Part 4 which is the official ending. Special thank you to
vunadiwai for editing the first half of the original version as well as supplying gorgeous artwork and to
crazyjoyfulgirl for general awesomeness.
Daily Bread,
For Seven Summers
And when his daddy would visit he’d come along….
It feels good this way, feels like home or some other place where it’s warm, safe and you can smell candied yams and cinnamon biscuits baking inside of a warm oven. He’s home, Jared thinks as he shoots into the condom. He buries his face against Jensen’s shoulder inhaling the ripeness of his body, the day-old cologne, the lingering traces of mint shampoo and slick sweat that breathes out through flushed skin. The aroma is as addictive as coffee and as thick as smoke and Jared inhales. Yeah, inside of Jensen feels just like home.
“Good lord,” Jared mumbles drawling something lazy, the suggestion of a Texas bred southern boy curls his speech. He’s too tired to do anything except blink as he struggles to catch his breath. “I can’t even see straight!”
“We shouldn’t have done that,” Jensen starts tone rich with regret. “We gotta get outta here.” He’s already standing searching the floor for his slacks.
“Come on, you know you liked it.”
Jensen keeps his back to Jared, doesn’t even look in his general direction as he sits back down on the bed bringing one leg up to rest on the mattress tying his shoelace. “Go on, get dressed,” he barks.
“No. Would you relax and just hang for a bit?”
“Are you crazy? Your wife’s probably out there looking for you now! Shit, this was so fucking stupid man! We can’t get into this shit again -not now, it’s been too long and we should’a just kept shit the way it was!”
Tentatively Jared reaches out his hand, places his palm flat against Jensen’s back and breathes.
“You still feel all warm,” he sighs like it’s too hard to speak. Jensen closes his eyes. He tries to ignore the way his chest constricts, the dryness of his mouth and the funny flip-turn-tickle that wretches around inside of his stomach like butterfly wings fluttering against flesh. It’s difficult and he can’t ignore the painful longing that threads through his veins, not with the way Jared’s fingers begin creeping up his t-shirt gliding across Jensen’s spine as if they’re dancing. “Can’t we just... stay for a few more hours? Rooms’ paid for till morning.”
“Shit Birdie, we can’t do this! I thought we decided this just wasn’t right?” Jensen doesn’t even realize he’s kicking his shoes off until they’re clacking against the carpet and he can feel Jared pulling him down to lie beside him.
“Well I don’t wanna stop,” Jared says firmly. “And don’t call me Birdie, you know I hate that goddamn nickname.”
“No, no, no. . .Danny’s pregnant, I gotta think about her -you have your little girls and Sandy and it ain’t fair to none of ‘em! This is a bad idea, a fucking stupid idea at that! Don’t you get it? We can’t go back, not after all the shit we went through!”
“Yes we can and I know you want to, you want to just as bad as I do! We can make it work this time, you know we can! Would you listen to me? Damn it Jensen Ackles would you look at me when I’m talking to you?” Jared grunts. He knows he should probably try to control his temper, especially when he’s dealing with Jensen. That’s one of the reasons why things went three-ways toward Shitsville last time because he ran off at the mouth so much, always quick to tell Jensen when he was acting a fool or talking too much about nothing. Hell, they were only kids back then and he didn’t know much about nothing.
Jared Padalecki was thirteen when he fell in love with Jensen Ackles, just thirteen-years-old, two weeks shy of fourteen, and he remembers that Sunday afternoon when he first set eyes on Jensen with a tender fondness that makes something ache inside of his chest. That’s the day his life changed, some would say for the worse, but he would say for the best. Either way, Jared thinks that was the first day he actually started to live a life and not just breathe when he was told to.
+ + +
Summer of ‘74 was going to be the summer of romance; at least that’s what Charlene Harper Murray had said. Charlene lived up the road and was a short, chunky, loud mouth blonde girl with beady blue eyes and crooked yellowed teeth. Her father owned a dairy farm so most days she came to school smelling like shit and tit-juice. She was funny though and didn’t make Jared feel like an idiot, so she was his best friend. Jared wasn’t exactly a shy kid, just kind of quiet until you got to know him. He loved baseball, but for the life of him could never figure out the sport well enough to play it. It was just as well; he was better at solving math equations and figuring out statistics and all that jazz rather than holding a bat. He was the tallest one in his class, a few inches shy of six feet, and bone thin. He wore his dark hair short, cropped just like a soldier’s because his daddy said long hair was for queers, hippies and he wouldn’t have his youngest son looking like a degenerate. Dad didn’t used to care so much about what Jared did or how he acted, not until his big brother Jeff got drafted and went off to fight in that Goddamn war that made everyone act so crazy.
Jared didn’t understand it, the whole ‘war’ thing and what exactly it was that they were supposed to be fighting for. All he knew was that every night his mother would cry watching Ted Koppel report about it from Saigon, reading off the names of dead soldiers as if they were verses from the bible. So many names that Jared couldn’t keep count. So many names that eventually, the news stopped reading the names and would type them across the screen; the twelve-point veranda font words flying by so fast it made Jared’s head spin. Every night when he didn’t see his brother’s name was another night that he went to bed without his stomach twisted in knots.
“Texas summers are the worse,” Chad sighed as he sipped on a glass of ice-cold chocolate milk. Chad was Charlene’s twin brother, but they sure didn’t act like twins. They acted more like enemies and couldn’t be more different from each other. Chad was quiet just like Jared and not very social, just like Jared. He didn’t like reading much so that’s where their similarities ended.
“How would you know stupid, you ain’t never been nowhere else.” Charlene groaned blinking sweat from her eyes.
“Why you always gotta do that? Always gotta say something smart! That’s why mama-”
“Mama what?” Charlene interjected throwing Chad a warning glance to silence him. Charlene had that affect on most people, could shut them up with a stare or a grunt. It was like the whole world was afraid of her and Jared kind of admired that about her. He thought that one day she’d grow up to be a hero or something powerful like a teacher.
“We should go swimming or something,” Chad said leaning his elbows back on the porch step. Whereas Jared was the tallest in his class, Chad was one of the smallest. He was as skinny as a beanpole, but barely over five feet and sometimes he used to get scared thinking that he would never grow, that he’d wind up short and fat like his daddy, his mama and both of his sisters.
“I can’t. Gotta head home soon, got family coming down from Dallas.” Jared didn’t really feel like ‘entertaining guests’ like his mama said he had to. His Auntie Pearl done went off and got herself married again. This one was her fourth marriage in eight years and Jared doubted this one was gonna last very long. Pearl liked to drink and this one time Jared heard his mama talking on the phone to her other sister -the one in Austin, saying that no good man was gonna wanna stay with a woman who drinks as much as Pearl did for more than a few months. Any man with a lick of sense would grow sick of cleaning up her messes and leave her, just like all the other ones had.
“Wanna go down to the creek? Throw some rocks in; see how many fish we could get?”
“You so stupid Chad, didn’t he just say he gotta go home soon?”
“Don’t call me stupid, fat girl!” Chad yelled, his ears turning bright red as he puckered up his lips flaring out his nostrils. The hair on the top of his head was as yellow as cornbread but he was as hot tempered as a redhead, never looking for a fight, but always willing to give you one if you came poking around him too hard.
“I ain’t fat, stupid!” Charlene yelled keeping her eyes focused on her brother from the bottom of the porch, chubby hands perched on her hips ready to strike.
“I ain’t stupid!”
“Yes you is, that’s why you gotta do eighth grade again cuz you is dumb!”
“Shut up,” Chad sniffled. “You just leave me alone you fat bitch!”
Jared could sense things were only gonna get nastier because Chad was about to be in tears and Charlene could care less.
“You gonna cry you little faggot?”
“I ain’t a fag!” Chad yelled and his eyes fell guiltily on Jared as he said this.
They had started kissing two summers ago, Jared and Chad. It was only supposed to be for practice, you know, for when they got girlfriends so they’d know what to do with them. What the hell did they know, they were only eleven when it started and it was Chad’s idea in the first place, harmless fun is what he had said. That was two summers ago and every summer since they always fell back into that routine. Whenever they got a minute alone they would find their tongues in each other’s mouths. Two summers later and still neither one of them had found a girlfriend, but Chad talked about getting one all of the time and Jared mostly just listened.
“Yes you is a fag! Daddy says you are so that makes you one! You’re a faggot and an idiot and you’re stupid you big dummy!”
“I’m telling mama what you said, I’m telling!” Chad yelled wiping at the corners of his eyes. In a huff of short, awkward limbs he turned and ran up the stairs flying into the house, the screen door slamming behind him.
“Why you so mean to him for?” Jared half-laughed.
“Cuz he works my nerves J.T., he works my nerves!”
“I’m gonna head on home now,” Jared smiled turning his bike around ready to peddle down the road back to his house. “I’ll come by later if I can.”
The first thing Jared noticed as he turned his bike into his driveway was a car sitting in it, one of those big, shiny red Chevy’s. Dad said Chevy’s were about as American as apple-pie, but too expensive so they drove a rusty old pickup, something German made and a piece of crap that always gave out on days when it was too hot to think. This car was a beauty, shined like something precious and Jared stared at it for a moment, too amazed by how ‘new’ it looked to do anything but gawk with his jaw slung open like a door with a broken hinge.
“Mama, mama,” he yelled running into the house. “Did you see that car out there?” He made it into the living room before silencing himself, a self-conscious smirk tilting his face as his eyes fell unto a strange man sitting on the loveseat beside his Auntie Pearl, a younger boy sitting in his dad’s ottoman.
“Oh boy, look at you! Let me get a good look,” Pearl smiled standing. “Good Lord Sharon, this boy done got huge! Oh, gonna be tall just like his brother and daddy.”
“Auntie Pearl!” Jared grinned engulfing her in his arms. Pearl wasn’t exactly a thin woman, but she wasn’t fat either, just somewhere in-between. She was only thirty, but looked a lot older and smelled like Calgon perfume and whiskey.
“Come, come. I want you to meet my husband and your new cousin. This is Paul, Paul Ackles.” A tall, slight and almost meek looking man with slicked back brown hair and thick coke-bottle glasses stood to shake his hand. His grip was weak and he looked so nervous that Jared almost wanted to laugh and ask him just what in the heck he was so nervous about.
“Nice to meet you,” he smiled.
“Yeah, Paul’s a preacher up in Dallas. Runs a ministry, got a real loyal congregation.” Pearl beamed with pride. “This is his nephew Jensen. Jensen? Come on, get up and meet your new cousin.”
“New cousin,” Jensen sighed getting up from the chair rolling his eyes. “So good to meet you!” There was no mistaking the sarcasm in his voice and falseness of his smile as he shook Jared’s hand.
“What’s your name?” Jared asked holding Jensen’s hand staring into his eyes. They were a funny color -green, and Jared had never seen green eyes up close before. Sure, he’d seen hazel, gray, blue and even violet colored eyes, but never green and he was kind of fascinated, but only for a moment.
“Didn’t you hear Pearl call me Jensen?” He said this with so much annoyance that Jared actually began to feel uncomfortable as he slipped his hand out of Jensen’s grip with a nervous smile.
“Nice meeting ya then…”
+ + +
Dinner wasn’t awkward; in fact, it was going pretty okay until the news came on. There had been another thirty deaths in Vietnam and without thinking Paul made a comment, said something about how he didn’t agree with the war because of all the people dying for no good reason. This naturally set Jared’s father off.
“What do you mean you don’t agree with it? You’re American, right?”
Paul slinked down in his seat fidgeting with a napkin, practically cowering with fear. Jared couldn’t blame him; his father was 6’2, two-hundred and eighty-nine pounds. He was welder by trade; the muscles on his arms looked like tires and his legs were as thick as tree trunks, but his brown eyes were kind and gentle.
“Of course I am American, that’s why I don’t agree with our sons going over there to Asia and dying.” Paul’s voice cracked as he spoke. The women at the table all exchanged a look between them, a warning look that even Jared’s baby sister Megan who was barely ten at the time understood its meaning.
“Hey daddy,” Meg smiled at her father. “Remember that time when we went fishing down at Keller’s and we caught that big ole Red Snapper?”
“Not now Megan, daddy’s talking. Listen here Paul…” Jared tuned out the rest of what his father was saying. Whenever his daddy started a sentence with ‘listen here’ that meant there was nothing good to come out of it. His daddy wasn’t necessarily a mean man, but he was a stubborn one and could yell for hours if you’d let him.
“Hey, can you show me where your backyard is?” Jensen asked. The tone of his voice kind of startled Jared because Jensen had barely said three words to him all day, not even during lunch or tea on the porch or even when Jared’s mama was showing them photographs of Jeff and all of his war buddies that Jeff had mailed back home in his last letter. Pearl made a remark about how thin Jeff looked and this made Sharon cry. Sharon cried a lot, practically every day and sometimes she wouldn’t even get out of bed. It was like a part of her was in Vietnam too.
“May we be excused?” Jared asked pushing himself away from the table.
“Good lord yes, save yourselves!” Sharon muttered waving them off.
The night was quiet, the sky a dark shade of blue where it wasn’t exactly black yet, but getting there and the only sounds heard were the muffled chatter of insects and other nighttime creatures whispering lullabies to the earth.
“Your dad’s an ass.” Jensen stated. From the corner of his eye Jared saw an orange flame flicker in the darkness.
“You’re smoking cigarettes?” He gasped and Jensen laughed like Jared was Bob Newhart.
“It’s a cigarillo, want one?”
“What? No way!” Jared hissed and Jensen laughed harder dangling the cigarillo between his lips.
“How old are you?”
“Thirteen -but I’ll be fourteen in a few more weeks.”
“Thought so. Figured you were young.”
“Well how old are you?”
“Eighteen.”
“Really? You don’t look it?”
“That’s because I got a baby face. Everybody always tells me that. Girls love it, hell some guys too.” Jensen chuckled and Jared didn’t really get the joke so he stood in silence leaning his back against the doorframe trying not to cough from the scent of Jensen’s Swisher Sweets.
“Why do you live with your uncle?” Jared asked innocently.
“Why do you live with your parents?” Jensen threw back taking a pull from his smoke.
“Cuz I do. They’re my parents.”
“Same here. Paul’s my uncle.”
“But yeah, that’s what I don’t get. Why do you live with him instead of your folks?”
“Maybe my folks are dead, ever think about that?” Jensen grunted throwing his cigarillo to the ground crushing it under a blue canvas sneaker.
“Oh, I’m sorry. . . I didn’t mean. . .”
“Whatever. Just forget it. Let’s go inside, too many mesquites out here.” Jensen shrugged him off already making his way back inside the house and leaving Jared to follow.
The sound of Pearl and Sharon laughing as they worked to clear the table greeted Jared and Jensen as they walked in.
“Where’s daddy?” Jared asked picking up his plate. Jensen stood off to the side of the room staring down at his fingernails as if he were unsure as to whether he should help.
“He and your uncle Paul went out for drinks. You men are all so crazy, one minute you’re ready to rip each other to shreds, the next; you’re laughing and going out to shoot pool. Honestly, I love your father, but he’s a nut.”
“Jensen honey, you okay?” Pearl asked noticing the way Jensen stood off in the corner closed up inside of himself. He was 6’1, but seemed a lot smaller with the way his shoulders were slouching and his head bowed. Jared stared at him, almost like it was the first time that he was seeing Jensen, noticing the light color of his hair, how it was kind of long on top, but not more than an inch or two and he had freckles, lots of freckles against his peach tanned skin, so many it would probably be impossible to count them all.
“Yeah, I’m just. . .I wanna head to bed. Kinda tired.”
“You sure you’re feeling okay? Are ya coming down with something sugar?” She asked, her voice mothering and sweet full of concern.
Pearl had a daughter once. She called her Sugar Ann and that baby was her pride and joy. She doted over that baby girl like she was the beginning and end of any and everything. Little Ann Marie was her life and when she died, a part of Pearl died with her. That’s when Pearl started drinking. A shame really, a little girl like that so beautiful being stolen right out of her crib. They never did find a body, only a bloody blanket, but Jared never could hear the rest of that story without crying like something mad.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just wanna sleep is all.”
“Jared, show Jensen up to your room. It’s about time for you to head to bed soon too.” Sharon stated.
“Oh come on mama, it’s only eight! I never go to bed this early!”
“I didn’t say it was time yet, I said soon, now get on up there and show your cousin your room.”
Jared felt kind of weird thinking of Jensen as his cousin, like family. He had only officially met him three hours earlier, plus he wasn’t very friendly. Jensen wasn’t mean, just not really friendly so Jared didn’t want to think of him as ‘family’. Not just yet.
“You can sleep on the floor. I got a sleeping bag, it’s pretty comfortable.” Jared stated tossing two of the pillows on his bed down to the floor.
“But your bed is huge. Why do I gotta sleep on the floor?”
“Cuz, I mean. . . what, you wanna share the bed?” Jared asked.
Jensen raised his brow -the left one, and Jared wondered how he could raise only the one eyebrow and not both. “It beats the floor,” he sighed pulling his shirt over his head. Instinctively Jared looked away, almost blushing as he heard Jensen unzip his jeans. When he turned around a moment later he stared in shock, too startled to do anything except stare at the huge cock pressing against Jensen’s right thigh. “You’re staring at my dick?” Jensen asked and Jared laughed nervously looking away.
“I, ah… I’m gonna go downstairs and watch some TV.”
Jared rushed out of the room so quickly that he practically fell out of the door.
+ + +
Jensen was sleeping and for that Jared was thankful as he tried his best to keep quiet pulling off his shirt and jeans. He usually slept only in his underwear, but a part of him thought it would be weird with Jensen in his bed and all so he pulled on a pair of shorts before he slinked down between his sheets.
It was unusual for such a young man, but his bed was a full-sized, and could sleep two average sized men comfortably, but it had never felt so small before, not with a complete stranger sleeping less than a foot away from him. Jared thought to himself that he could probably reach out his hand and touch Jensen if he wanted to. Of course, he didn’t want to, but if he did, he could.
Every night Jared would say a prayer for Jeff, a prayer for the war to end and for him to be brought back home walking, and smiling, and not in a coffin wrapped up in an American flag. That’s what happened to Timmy Shaw’s big brother Mark; he got killed in ‘72. James and Lauren’s big brother Leland got blown up by a bomb back in ‘70 and sometimes Jared would worry that one day there would be a street named after his brother too: Jeffrey Padalecki Drive, right between Mark Murman Road and Leland Cross Avenue in San Antonio, Texas.
Before he knew it Jared was crying, tears welling up inside of him like some awful, tensed thing that made his stomach hurt. He didn’t like doing this, didn’t like crying, but he had no one to talk to so sometimes crying made things feel a little easier, made him feel less alone because sometimes that’s how he felt. He couldn’t talk to Charlene about Jeff, she just wouldn’t get it; she hated her brother and didn’t care too much for her sister either. He couldn’t talk to his folks about it because they’d get sad too and the last thing Jared wanted was to make them cry anymore. Megan was much too young to know anything so yeah, Jared didn’t have anybody and as he thought this, he began to cry harder, curling on his side with his back to Jensen trying as best as he could to suffocate the sounds against his pillow.
“Hey. . .” Jensen yawned, “Jared?”
Jared held his breath, tried to fane sleep embarrassed at being caught crying.
“Hey, you okay?” Jensen’s voice sounded so confused.
“Yeah, I’m fine. . .”
Then that’s when the fingers came, the fingers brushing against Jared’s arm, the shifting on the bed of Jensen sitting up.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Just thinking about. . .stuff.”
“Like what?” Jensen asked. He waited a moment, listened to the sound of Jared coughing trying to regulate his breathing and clear the phlegm out of his lungs before he spoke up again. “I’m a pretty good listener.”
“I don’t even know you, why should I tell you anything?”
“You’re right, you don’t.” Jensen threw back almost coldly turning his back to Jared. “I’m just saying if you wanted to talk about something, then you could is all.”
“My brother,” Jared whispered. “I miss my brother.”
“He’s in Nam, right?”
“Yeah,” Jared sighed and in a smaller voice added, “and sometimes I don’t think he’s gonna come back.”
“Maybe he won’t.” Jensen replied with little emotion in his voice.
“Fuck you, yes he will! Don’t you say that about my brother?” Jared yelled, not even realizing that he had jumped out from beneath the sheets until his fist had smashed into Jensen’s side, his knuckles colliding with cool skin and hard ribs.
“What the fuck?” Jensen wheezed sitting up in the bed. “I didn’t mean it like that. . .” he coughed. “You didn’t let me finish you dumbass! Maybe he won’t come back tomorrow, but he will someday -Jesus, you’re lucky I’m too tired to kick your ass!” Jensen wheezed.
“I, I, I -Jeez, Jeez I’m sorry. Want some water or something?”
“No, just. . .just quit crying, okay? Just do me that favor. I can’t stand the sound of people crying.”
+ + +
Jared was out of his house and down at Charlene’s place before noon, and before his mom could ask him to bring Jensen along. Jared was sure that Jensen wouldn’t have come anyway. He didn’t seem like the type that was very fond of hanging out with thirteen-year-olds.
“Where is everyone?” Jared asked leaning his bike against the mail post while looking up at Chad who stood in front of the screen door.
“Out in town. Daddy had some business to take care of and Charlene and Nadine went out with my mama to do some shopping.”
“Nobody home?” Jared asked. He could feel his fingers itching and stomach tingling because he knew what would happen, knew what always happened.
“They’re all gone. . .wanna, you know. . .practice?” Chad asked almost timidly, like he was afraid that Jared would say no or tell him that they were getting too old to play around and should stop. Of course, Jared never did because he never thought that.
“Sure.”
“Okay, just not in the house.”
A minute later Jared had his hand resting on Chad’s slender hip, the smaller boy pressing his body against Jared’s like he was trying to make their heartbeats crush together as they kissed in secret on the side of the house where no one could see.
“You think this is weird?” Chad huffed, his mouth tasting kind of sour, yet sweet.
“Prolly,” Jared closed his eyes sucking Chad’s lower lip into his mouth. “I like it though.”
“Kinda fun.” Chad agreed with a sigh swiping his tongue against Jared’s. They’d gotten so much better since the first time they did this, learned different techniques, learned how to not use so much spit, how to go slow and easy.
“When your mom told me where to find you, didn’t know I’d find you like this!” A voice laughed. This voice was Jensen’s. Instinctively, Chad ran away. He didn’t even try to come up with an excuse. As if he could come up with a way to explain away his hard-on and red-swollen lips pushed against Jared’s. No, he just ran as far out into the fields behind his house as he could leaving Jared alone.
“What. . .what did you. . .see?” Jared asked, his tone broken like an old toy. Jensen didn’t reply, he just smiled and shrugged his shoulders as he began to walk away, yelling over his shoulder that Jared’s mom wanted him home for lunch.
+ + +
Jensen didn’t say anything at lunch, or even at dinner. In fact, he didn’t even speak much to anyone. He just kept to himself, only speaking when spoken to. For this Jared was grateful, thankful because the less Jensen spoke the less likely he’d tell on him. By morning, Jensen would be gone on his way back up to Dallas, so if he could just keep quiet, just not say anything, Jared would be well off.
“So, you gonna tell me about your little friend?” Jensen finally spoke as he and Jared were about to go to bed. Once again, Jensen insisted that they share the bed because he refused the floor and Jared wanted to stay in his good graces.
“Nothing to tell-”
“Oh no, you ain’t giving me no bullshit. I saw you guys kissing!” There was no hate in Jensen’s voice, but Jared thought there might be something other than amusement. There wasn’t, but he imagined that there was and Jared felt like he was going to vomit, piss his pants and vomit again all at the same time.
“I ain’t a queer,” he blurted. “We was just fooling is all, honest! Please don’t tell my dad!”
“Whoa! Calm down kid! I ain’t accusing you of nothing,” Jensen laughed as he lay down, reached up to click the lamp off. Reluctantly Jared lied down beside him, the darkness of the room made him feel a little less anxious. “You know when I was your age, I had a buddy I used to full around with too, a couple actually, but the main guy was my best friend Chris.”
“Yeah. . .”
“Um hum. Nothing wrong with having a little fun with your buddy, if you know what you’re doing -hell, that’s how you learn it!” Jensen laughed the sound strong and hearty as Jared took a deep breath slipping under the sheets.
“What did you used to do with your friend?”
The innocent naivety to Jared’s tone made Jensen laugh just a little bit harder before he could answer without fault.
“Just about everything. We were twelve when we started playing around -ya know, he’d touch me there, I’d touch him there.”
“What do you mean ‘touch’ you?”
“Good lord boy, don’t you know anything?” Jensen sat up in the bed turned toward Jared, but Jared kept his back to him, could feel Jensen’s eyes burning up his back where the white sheet didn’t cover. “Handjobs, you know, we’d yank the chain together. Harmless stuff. Don’t you and your buddy do that?”
“No, all Chad and I ever done was kiss a little -ya know, just for practice.”
“For when you get a girlfriend, right?” Jensen laughed. “That’s how it always starts, just practice.”
“I don’t like how you said that, saying it like it’s something, something nasty.” Jared hissed rolling onto his back, still unable to face Jensen for reasons he didn’t quite understand. Maybe he was afraid to see the smirk on his face, afraid to challenge it.
“Jesus, you’re paranoid ain’t ya? I ain’t calling you a queer or nothing-”
“I ain’t queer!”
“Didn’t I just say I wasn’t calling you one? Why you so jumpy for?”
“Let’s just go to bed,” Jared grunted rolling back onto his side.
“You know this one time Chris made me shoot so hard I couldn’t see for like an hour.” Jensen stated after a brief moment of silence.
“Um. . .okay.” Jared whispered unsure as to how to actually respond to that.
“Hey, you ever cum that hard? You know, so hard that you forget your name?”
“. . .no.”
“Really? Well you’re still young, one day you will.”
“. . .okay.”
“Yeah,” Jensen yawned turning back onto his side. “You just gotta grow up a little first, play around a little bit more and then-”
“I’m not a little kid ya know.”
“I didn’t say you were -hell, you’re almost taller than me! Thirteen is pretty young though,” Jensen laughed closing his eyes and settling down against the bed. “One day,” he yawned, “when you get a little older, I’m gonna have some stories to tell you. Teach you a few things.”
&&&
Being good isn’t always easy
No matter how hard I try….
Every fiber, thread and cell inside of his body is urging him to leave, telling Jensen that he should just slip out of the door and disappear into the black, summer night where the katydids and cicadas are all singing their evening anthems. Jared’s sleeping now like a huge, six foot five baby. He’s an ugly sleeper, his mouth hangs open like a cat trap and he snores, but his face still retains some sort of charm that makes Jensen’s stomach flip, and something inside of his chest clenches as he stares, watching Jared sleep.
What am I doing here? He asks himself brushing the tips of his fingers across Jared’s cheeks feeling where the rough stubble of a five o’clock shadow springs from warm skin. He remembers a time when Jared could barely grow any hair on his face, remembers that summer he started to rebel, tried to defy Mr. Padalecki and grow a ‘hippie mask’ as Jared’s father had said. Thinking back, Jensen wonders if his life would have been a whole lot easier if he stayed away from Jared, thinks about how different things would have turned out if he would have said ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’ on that blistering August evening back in ‘75. He should have known better anyway, he was the older one, the supposedly wiser one, but he wasn’t. He was a fool because only a fool would fall in love with a fifteen-year-old.
Jensen doesn’t leave tonight though, he can’t. Something keeps him here, keeps him laying beside Jared in some two-bit motel room watching long, dark eyelashes flutter in slumber like butterfly wings. He’s beyond beautiful, Jared is exquisite and Jensen can’t lie, he feels a since of home near him.
Jared’s always been home.
+ + +
December was cold, the kind of cold that made it hard to breathe without hacking up an icy cough from your throat. In a state best known for its rodeos and arid land, the near-arctic fifty-two degree temperatures were a welcoming surprise to most, and an annoyance to others.
“It hasn’t snowed here in eight years,” Chad groaned pulling his thin plaid button up shirt closer to his body. He kept his eyes downcast to the road, careful to watch were he stepped fearful of once again slipping on a patch of ice.
“I told you it ain’t gonna snow ya idiot! It’s just a little frost on the ground!” Charlene grunted rolling her eyes at him.
For the first time in -hell, forever Chad and Charlene were starting not to look alike. They never acted alike, but always kind of resembled each other in the way most brothers and sisters did. Their honey blond hair was the same, exact glossy shade, and their blue eyes rivaled each other, but the shapes of their faces were changing. Chad was growing into a man, his body getting longer, shoulders broader and jaw line angular whereas Charlene was still small, round and soft. Jared could tell that Chad felt awkward in his body just from the way he walked with his shoulders hunched and avoided making eye contact with most of everyone. Jared remembered how uncomfortable his own growth spurt had been, how he sprouted six inches the summer before seventh grade. Over the last four months Chad had grown half of a foot, practically towering over his plump, pinch-faced twin sister.
“If there can be frost on the ground then there can be snow on it too. You don’t know everything Charlene,” Chad started his eyes dashing over to Jared’s for only a moment before he looked away trying to push away the glint of want that shone in his eyes as bright as cut diamonds under a July sky.
“Goddamn it Chad it’s too early for me to be getting into it with you,” she warned.
“You are such a bitch sometimes, ya know that girl? A pain in my ass!”
Charlene took a step towards him; her fists already balling when Jared intervened, stepped between them just like he always did whenever they’d get into one of their arguments. He thought it was kind of funny how two people who seemed to practically hate each other were always together. He chopped that down to being one of those weird, twin things he never understood. Like how they could finish each other’s sentences or feel each other’s pain. Jared remembered this one time when Chad fell out of a tree and sprained his ankle, the moment that it happened Charlene cried out in pain too, complaining that something in her leg had ‘popped’.
“You two are gonna make us late for school.”
“Tell that to his dumb ass!” Charlene countered standing on the tips of her toes glaring over Jared’s shoulder at Chad.
“You are SO annoying -I’m sick of you always talking down to me!” Chad yelled taking a step towards her standing behind Jared. He stood so close that Jared could feel the warmth of Chad’s breath brushing across his neck. This made him feel both uncomfortable and curious.
It had been a good lone while since they had done any practicing. Not that Jared didn’t want to, but Chad had always been the instigator and ever since Jensen had caught them that one time, Chad had pretty much sealed up whatever thing he and Jared had going on and ended things without actually ever really ending them.
“Come on, we gotta get going!” Jared grunted pulling Charlene by her arm urging them forward.
High School was harder than Jared had thought it would be. He was always a smart kid, always knew the answers to questions before the teachers could even finish asking them. That was back in middle school where he had been placed in all of the gifted and talented programs. His teachers all said he showed a great aptitude in mathematics and the sciences and that he thought outside of the box and pushed past logical thinking or some other crap along those lines that made Jared blush. However, high school was very different -harder. In the span of three months he had gone from getting all A’s to mostly C’s and D’s. His guidance counselor had called him into her office earlier that week, wanted to know about his home life, if there was any trouble going on. Miss Daniels was a tall, rail-like waif of a woman just looking for an answer as to how a seemingly perfect student could go from excelling at practically anything he touched to not knowing the difference between a neuron and a synapse. Some kids at the high school said Miss D had some kind of mental problem, regurgitated her meals after she ate so she wouldn’t gain any weight. That was just one of the rumors, the other one was that she was sick, had the kind of cancer that tore up her lady parts and made it impossible for her to have babies. Of course, this was all just mean talk, things people said to be shocking, like how the volleyball coach Miss Timmons and the school nurse were both dykes.
“I hate the fact that you’re not gonna be here for Christmas break.” Charlene groaned walking instep beside Jared, Chad on the other side of him silently agreeing.
“I wish we didn’t have to go. It takes five hours in the car just to get up to Dallas,” Jared sighed, “and knowing how my dad drives; it’ll prolly take eight hours. Eight hours in the pick-up…jeez I wish I could stay home.”
“Can’t you just tell your folks you don’t wanna go?” Chad asked.
“Quit being so stupid ya idiot, of course he gotta go! It’s Christmas, he gotta spend it with family,” Charlene yelled and Jared couldn’t muster up the strength to try to break up the fight he just knew Chad and Charlene were about to get into so he groaned inwardly, picked up pace and kept walking hoping he’d make it on time before the warning bell.
+ + +
“THIS is Auntie Pearl’s house?” Jared asked astonished by the display before him. He knew just from the pictures that Pearl had sent that her new house was big, but this place was practically a mansion and for a woman who grew up dirt poor living in trailers most of her childhood she had really done well for herself, had married good this time. Turned out her husband Paul was actually kind of famous or at least had become so over the last few months. Every Sunday he taped his church sermons and the local cable access television station would broadcast them twice a week for those with televisions to watch. Paul was what was known as a ‘tele-preacher’ -someone who brought the word of God to the masses through electronic means. For those too lazy to get out of bed and actually come to church they could just flip on channel 34 to hear the Baptist gospel according to Paul Ackles.
“Oh my god, mama, there’s a pool!” Megan yelled jumping running towards the back of the house.
“Jeez mama, jeez look at this place. . . whoa. . .” Jared gazed out of the window, mouth gaping open in amazement. The house was easily three times the size of his own, painted a bright shade of white with red shutters and sitting on a wide span of deep green land.
“Wow,” Jared’s mother exclaimed. “Gerry, look at this place!”
“I’m looking Sharon, I’m looking -oh, would you look over there! Three cars? They have three cars!”
+ + +
The first thing Jared noticed about his Auntie Pearl was the glow around her face. She looked happy, her face smooth and clear and not pink-flushed like Jared was so used to seeing. When he hugged her he didn’t smell whiskey or cheap bourbon, but flowers and honey and he hugged her tighter enjoying her sweet smell of contentment.
The inside of the home was just as grand as the outside, the orange shag carpeting looking brand new. The brown and green wool plaid couches looked brand new, even the big color TV sitting in the corner of the room looked brand new. The house even smelled brand new, which according to Pearl it was, built up from the ground only a year ago.
“I’m so glad ya’ll decided to come down!” Paul exclaimed walking into the parlor carrying a pitcher of hot apple cider. Gone was the coke bottle glasses Jared had remembered him sporting five months earlier replaced by something smaller and a little less obtrusive across his slight face. He still had a sort of meek look about him, like he was afraid of his own shadow, but there was a gleam in his eyes as he smiled pouring everyone a mug full of hot drink.
“Jensen’s gonna be here on Tuesday. He’s up at school right now so Jared you can take his room for now and Megan we got a nice little room made up for you.” Pearl smiled as she took a sip. “Jane and Bill are coming down tomorrow and then all the sisters will be together -our first Christmas together as a family in about twenty years! Isn’t this exciting Sharon? It’s like we’re little girls again back home in Austin.”
“Remember that one time we thought we weren’t gonna get any presents because daddy had gotten laid off again and how upset we all were?” Sharon smiled wistfully placing her hand on her big sister’s knee.
“Yeah, I was about thirteen then and you couldn’t have been more than eight or nine. I remember mama coming home that morning with bags and bags full of toys -of course most of them were old and broken and wrapped up in newspaper, but I’ll never forget how happy we all were just to get something to open up.”
“Those were some hard times back then, it’s a wonder we all made it out of that place without going crazy.”
“It was by the graces of God Sherri, the graces of God.” Pearl closed her eyes and lifted her hand up toward the sky as if she were reaching high hoping that Jesus would brush his fingers against hers. Jared found this kind of strange, odd even. He could never remember his Auntie Pearl being a spiritual woman -heck, his own mama wasn’t that spiritual and they only ever went to church on the important holidays like Christmas, New Years and Easter. He guessed marrying a preacher had somehow enlightened Pearl.
+ + +
Jensen’s room didn’t look like the kind of room you lived in. There was a full sized bed, a dresser and not much of anything else besides white paint on the walls. It was a large bedroom, but bare and it felt cold Jared thought as he slung his things down onto the bed. There were no pictures hanging or even books thrown about, it was just a cold, white room with a bible on the dresser and a few shirts and suits hanging up in the closet.
It was kind of sad, almost like a ghost lived in there and not a real person.
Normally Jared would have felt kind of weird sleeping in someone else’s bed, but the drive up to Dallas had taken a lot of out of him and he was exhausted ready for sleep. Without a moment of hesitation he collapsed down to the mattress and was out like a light in less than a minute.
+ + +
It was laughter that woke Jared up, laughter and the sound of something landing with a crash that probably woke up half the neighborhood. Blearily blinking sleep from his eyes and he made his way down the stairs, the smell of pine so strong he practically choked on the scent.
“You gotta lift from the bottom -yeah, right there!” He heard his father grunt. Peering over the landing a smile broke across Jared’s face as he watched his father and Paul struggle to set up a Christmas tree, and not just any Christmas tree, but a real one, one that stood close to fifteen feet tall. Knowing that they’d probably ask him to help, and still feeling too tired to do anything except yawn, Jared quietly turned around and went back up the stairs before anyone could notice him.
He tiptoed inside of Jensen’s room taking great caution in slowly closing the door making sure not to slam it.
“The lock is broken,” a voice mumbled startling him.
“What the -Jesus Jensen you scared the crap outta me!” Jared hissed, squinting his eyes across the room where Jensen stood in a pair of dusty, well-worn cowboy boots. He looked the same as he did the first time that Jared had seen him, same slight build, and same hair. Eyes still wide, a vibrant shade of green that seemed to just burn a hole right through you like a lit pilot light would to a wayward dish towel that somehow gotten too close to the stove.
“Sorry about that. Kind of crept in through the back way, wanted to get some sleep in before I have to go into the whole song and dance about school and all of that bullshit.” Jensen yawned kicking his shoes off. He gave Jared a slight smile before looking away. “You got taller,” he surmised.
“Just like an inch. I’m six feet even now.” Jared replied proudly.
“You play basketball? My school’s got this great team,” Jensen started as he took off his shirt. “You could get a scholarship for that shit -who knew?”
“I’m not good at it. Where -where, um do you go to school?” Jared mumbled looking away as Jensen stepped out of his pants. Thankfully he was wearing underwear; not that the tight, white briefs hid much.
“Texas A & M. Go Aggies!” Jensen replied unenthusiastically. “Took forever for us to get home with all the Holiday traffic.”
“Us?” Jared asked still avoiding looking at Jensen and staring down at the plain, brown rug.
“My buddy Chris. He lives over in Richardson. We share a room at school -no joke, it took FIVE hours to get here from College Station.”
“Where?”
“College Station? It’s a city. You know, where the university is? Jeez you don’t get out much do you?” Jensen teased.
“Don’t really know my way around any place not near San Antonio.” He replied honestly watching as Jensen stretched his long body across the bed.
“You’re not missing much. College is kind of boring. Way too much work, not enough fun, but hey gotta do something after high school, right?” Jensen yawned. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m gonna sleep so if you could ah. . .ya know, be quiet or something-”
“Oh, sure! I mean, um, I could leave only I don’t know where to go.” Jared looked down at his fingers picking with his thumbnail avoiding the penetrating gaze he could feel Jensen giving him.
“Here, go to sleep. I know you want to.” Jensen turned on his side leaving little room for Jared to lay beside him in the small bed.
After a moment of hesitation Jared sat at the foot wondering why he felt so nervous around Jensen and too afraid of the answer that he knew was in the back of his head. It was just Jensen was so different, more different than anyone Jared had ever met before.
“I think I’m gonna just go see if they need help downstairs.”
“Whatever,” Jensen yawned closing his eyes.
+ + +
Jared had never really liked his Aunt Jane and Uncle Bill. Jane was the youngest of his mother’s sisters and also the meanest, always telling Jared that his clothes were too big or that his hair looked dirty. She was just a miserable kind of woman, too thin for it to be healthy and caked her face with too much yellow makeup making her look paler than she actually was. Jared referred to her as ‘The Vampire’ on account of her complexion and long, red painted press-ons. Her natural hair color was dark brown just like Sharon and Pearl’s, but she colored it this horribly almost startling shade of white-blonde that made her skin look pink and she cut it short too, almost like a boy’s. She didn’t have any children and for that Jared thought it was a small miracle because he was sure that any child who had to grow up with Jane as a mother would have been just as miserable as she was. Uncle Bill was a character; he was an unusual kind of person, always saying things to Jared that made him uncomfortable. Always telling him how big and strong he looked, and the way he would smile at him always made Jared want to leave the room. There was something cloudy and dizzy in the way Bill would look at you, like he wanted to see through your clothes or something weird like that. He was a little off in the head, not quite right and too friendly, his hands always touching you a little too long, but nothing worth going to the news about.
“Your Uncle Bill is kind of creepy.” Jensen whispered as he threw strands of gold tinsel across the base of the tree. All the adults had gone into the parlor for drinks leaving Jensen, Jared and Megan to finish decorating the tree adding their own colorful flare. “When he hugged me, he kind of hugged too hard if you know what I mean. Creepy.”
“I know. Try not to be alone with him.” Jared hissed keeping his voice low so Megan wouldn’t hear them.
“Don’t worry, I won’t. Old men aren’t really my thing anyway -at least not since I was twelve,” he laughed wiggling his eyes suggestively.
Jared felt like he could never really understand Jensen’s jokes, they always left him confused and rather than ask him to explain he just smiled hanging up another ornament.
“How’s your brother doing?”
“I don’t know,” Jared replied solemnly. “It’s been a while since we got a letter. Almost two months and usually he sends one every other week. You know they say the war is over, but if is then how come he’s not home? I just don’t get it.”
Jensen looked over to Jared and gave him a sad smile.
“I’m sorry.”
“You know, I really just don’t get why he’s still there anyway,” Jared started, anger clipping his tone. “I mean, it’s over, right? Like a million guys have come home already and he still hasn’t.”
“It’s all bullshit, the government wants us to think it’s over, wants us to think that we pulled out, but truth is I don’t think so, I think they bring home a handful of guys hoping to trick us into thinking it is. It’s all bullshit, never trust the government, never.”
“What are you talking about?” Megan asked peering from the other side of the tree, her wide brown eyes curious.
“Nothing.” Jared mumbled.
Megan opened her mouth to protest when Jensen flashed his dazzling white smile.
“Hey, you’re looking pretty today little lady,” he grinned. Megan melted right there on the spot. Her cheeks flushed cherry-pie red and she politely thanked Jensen before hurrying out of the room struggling to suppress a giggle.
“Oh no, looks like she has a crush on you.” Jared stated little emotion in his voice.
“She’s barking up the wrong tree,” Jensen smirked keeping his green eyes steady on Jared. Pausing for a moment to gauge Jared’s silent reaction he waited a handful of seconds before changing the subject. “I take it you’re sleeping in my room for the next three days then, huh?”
“I mean, there’s not really any place else and I’m not sharing a room with Jane and Bill -that’s not happening.”
“I can’t blame you,” Jensen laughed chucking a handful of tinsel at Jared. “I hope you don’t still snore.”
+ + +
“Are you still friends with that kid?” Jensen yawned. The night wasn’t very quiet. Downstairs Jared and Jensen could hear the adults laughing amongst themselves playing Christmas songs celebrating old times that neither young man could quite understand just yet.
“Who?” Jared asked pulling the quilt over his body. Unlike his own bed, Jensen’s wasn’t really equipped for more than one person so it was a struggle for them both to lay comfortably, but Jared had been lucky and figured out if he slept with his legs long and straight he wouldn’t touch Jensen.
“That kid you were making out with.”
Jared held his breath, feeling his stomach tighten with anxiety. He had hoped that Jensen had forgotten about that. A part of him felt ashamed by it, embarrassed at being discovered in the way he and Chad had been.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“You know,” Jensen started turning on his side toward Jared. “It’s cool, I mean, if you’re like, you know into that sort of-”
“Well I’m not!” Jared groaned. “And why are you so interested in it anyway? You some kind of queer?”
“What if I am?” Jensen asked calmly.
“Shut up!”
“No, what if I told you I was queer, how’d ya feel about that?”
“You ain’t queer.” Jared dismissed the idea.
“I am.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’m serious. I’m a homosexual.” Jensen sighed rolling onto his back. Without being prodded he closed his eyes and in an almost dreamlike voice continued speaking. “My buddy Chris, we’ve been friends since we were four years old. We started messing around I guess when we were like twelve, just touching and stuff. Harmless really, but after a while we got a little careless, a little sloppy. When you’re sixteen and horny you forget about locking doors.”
“You got caught?” Jared asked, voice barely above a whisper, stomach twisting in knots remembering how he felt his world was over when Jensen had caught him with Chad all those months earlier.
“Yeah,” Jared laughed dryly. “And let me tell you, having your parents, big brother and little sister walk in on you with your best friend’s cock in your mouth…not fun.”
Jensen’s brashness made Jared feel a little uncomfortable.
“What happened after that?”
“Too long of a story… my dad cried. He didn’t yell or hit me or anything like that, he just cried for a little while, but my mom. . . she was kind of calm about it, like she wasn’t surprised, like she knew. It was weird. I mean, she just sort of looked at me like she was upset that I had never told her. . .anyway, I left home after that. My folks tried to stop me, said we could figure things out, but I was kind of embarrassed by it, ya know? I was sixteen, didn’t know much.”
“Does he know?”
“Paul? Probably, I never told him though, but I’m sure my folks have. It ain’t none of his business anyway,” Jensen grunted defensively, “No sir, not the good preacher.” Jensen smiled sadly adding that he was like a family secret that everyone knew, only never spoke about it.
“Why are you telling me all of this for anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Jensen replied honestly. “I guess you remind me of myself at fourteen and I know I wished I had someone to talk to about it.”
“I thought you had Chris?” Jared asked curiously.
“Chris Kane,” Jensen laughed, “is not the kind of person you’d talk to about something like that. He’s never really been into the whole ‘emotions’ thing -always more concerned with a blowjob than a conversation. Doesn’t think of himself as queer. Funny, he wants to be in the Navy and doesn’t realize just how queer that is -hell, get him drunk enough he’s going down on you quicker than a Lugger boat with a hole in the bottom.”
“I don’t. . .” Jared whispered after a moment. “I don’t wanna be gay. . .”
“Buddy, nobody asks for it. You just can’t hate yourself for it.”
“But I. . .I like girls, just. . .not as much as I. . .” Jared trailed off losing the courage to continue speaking. What if it were a trick? What if Jensen was just playing some twisted, warped little game? What if he’d tell somebody or tell his parents? His father would probably kill him.
“I like girls too, but I also like guys more. Who says you gotta like just one? You’ll figure stuff out eventually. I didn’t understand what I was fully until I got to college and started reading up on it. I’m bisexual -that means I like both men and women. There are a lot of books about homosexuality, things you won’t learn in Texas unless somebody teaches you. There’s so much going on in the outside world that it’s exciting to just think about it! Did you know about the gay rights movement? It’s happening right now, in our faces, only its crap for people like us stuck in small southern towns where they kill us or throw our kind in jail just for holding hands!” Jensen’s voice lit with self-righteous indignation. The mental image of Jensen marching around his campus holding up signs proudly announcing his queerdom temporarily distracted Jared. “I can give you some things to read if you want, I have a ton of things in my dorm room, I could send them to you when school starts back up and then you-”
“I. . .I don’t want to talk about this stuff anymore.” Jared’s voice shook. This was all too much to take in, too fast, too soon and he felt nauseous.
Jensen nodded to himself with a heavy sigh, silently hoping that he hadn’t pushed too far or scared Jared. Jensen remembered what it was like to feel scared because sometimes he still felt it, still felt the kind of fear that only a gay southern boy in the middle of a backwater bible-belt town could feel. He’d just have to be patient, wait for Jared to come around on his own, but he knew it, he could sense what Jared was.
Jared was just like him. They were a pair of like-souls.
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