See? I'm not dead!
Title- Breathe
Rated- NC17
Dedication- To my Koi! I hope this brightens your day.
Notes- Whew. Writing this one was like suddenly running the 100 meter dash flat out. I've been working on this other bear of a fic that's just not coming together like I want it to, I took a break, and this is what happened! I'm sorry about all the grammatical mishaps here, it makes it more difficult to read I know, but I think it gives a better representation of the character. So…Feedback is the stuff that life is made of!!! Oh yeah, one last thing, it's Joel's point of view.
Disclaimer- It's called fiction for a reason folks, it means I made it all up! Not one iota of this is true no matter how much I wish it was.
There was always something there I think, just below the surface, roiling and rioting against my skin, against my soul. A single look could shake the very foundations of my world, a word could send me soaring toward the heavens, an action, and there were so many actions, inevitably would send me crashing back down to the deepest depths of my personal hell. And I know you knew this, knew all of this, and you did it anyway, flaunted it, forced me to see what you weren't. But you were. You could hide it from yourself but not from me, never from me, no never never from me. I know you, I see you like none other. I watch as you tear yourself to pieces for them, handing out little bits of your soul in return for the glory, the fame, the fortune, in a desperate hope that maybe, just maybe the love of so many might make up for the lack of love from one. But there is no lack here, just love, just adoration, just breath. I breathe for you. And somewhere, somehow I know you breathe for me too, you would just rather get to hold your breath and be like everyone else. But everyone's got to take a breath once in a while.
This morning I could feel your breath. It was against my bare shoulder. I was standing, getting dressed. Already I had on a pair of sagging baggy khakis and plaid boxers, no shirt. You came up behind me, stood so close I could feel your body heat. Your breath ghosted over my shoulder and past my right ear and I stood very still. I watched in the mirror as you dipped your head to my neck and inhaled, eyes closed before you pulled away. You never touched me.
You're afraid they'll know, the great elusive they. You're always so careful not to touch me, ever. You pose and position yourself at the far end of pictures trying desperately to make depression look more like boredom. It doesn't work, I see through it every time. They do too. They know you're in pain, they see it, taste it, wanna fix it. It's palpable even to their senses. And you ignore it, breathe deep and hold it until you're blue in the face and have to breath, have to. Just a quick gasp, a desperate grab for the perceived poison that sustains you, gives you life and takes your heart. It takes mine too. Every time I hear you gasping, your body wracked with sobs of love and frustration and self loathing, I lose a piece of myself. Yours would be easier if I wasn't around, I feel that acutely and if I didn't need you so much, if you weren't my oxygen, I would leave. Because there's no point in holding your breath when there's no air to breathe.
I love you though. And some day, maybe some day I'll get up the courage to do it, to either force my air into your lungs, to make you want to breathe, or to go and never make you have to breathe again. But I'm a coward and you're strong. And a part of me knows that that day will never come. So I sit and watch you, staring hard, wishing you would just breathe, just one more time.
Tonight I saw you gasping. You were sitting on my bunk, hugging my pillow wet with tears. Your hand was in your lap and you were puffing my name from between clenched teeth. Your breath was betraying you, forcing it's way out through your jaws in a series of sinister slithering hisses, your lips curled against the words. Every part of your being was raging against itself, the riot of your skin, of your soul, of your breath was out of control and all you could do was hang on for the ride and hope for the best. And right then, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You were splendor and grace, you were real and you were earnest, and you were saying my name.
I inhaled sharply and held it, crossing over to you quickly and pulling my pillow from your grasp. You looked angry, surprised, ashamed, but I didn't care. I sat down in your lap facing you, I slid my hands from your shoulders to your jaw, cupping your face in my palms. I used my thumbs to part you lips, leaned forward, and very slowly exhaled as you finally inhaled and didn't hold it. We sat like that for almost an hour, still as statues breathing in for the others out, out for their in. I was drunk on your breath but still a coward, still afraid and unsure of what to do and you were always the strong one.
You finally released the blankets from your clenched hands and slid them up my body, I groaned softly at the contact. Your hands ghosted along my sides slowly lifting my shirt with it and now I was having to concentrate on my breathing, to keep it matched with yours. My shirt slipped between us as you pulled it off of me. I was afraid for a moment that it was broken, we were broken again when your lips didn't return to mine, but no, I was wrong. Your mouth moved to my neck, to my shoulder, to my chest, you were breathing in my skin, tasting it and sending tremors through my whole being. Oh god it felt good because "You never touch me". The words fell unbidden from my lips as you laved your tongue over my nipple. You paused, looking up at me with identical brown eyes and you kissed me, softly, gently, slowly, called me baby as you laid me down on my bunk, kissed the tracks from the tears that I didn't even know I was crying. Your mouth went back to mine and you breathed with me again as you slowly peeled off the khakis and boxers you watched me put on this morning.
My hands wouldn't work right. They shook and trembled so terribly that I couldn't get your shirt off and I whined quietly. You pulled away to tug off your own cloths and I whimpered bereft, I thought you were leaving and I couldn't take that, not now, not after this. You fell back on top of me immediately, jeans still twisted around you knees as you fought to kick them off. The air was forced out of my lungs as your tattooed arms wrapped around me, fingers raking through my hair and your tongue began a slow, methodical exploration of my mouth.
I moaned again against your lips as one hand slipped down my stomach and between my thighs, gently spreading my legs. I shuddered again as you asked me to lift my hips and slid the still tear soaked pillow under me. You grabbed a bottle of lotion from the shelf over my bunk before settling back down on top of me and recaptured my lips, taking me, claiming me, easing your tongue and a finger into me at the same time. My gasp sucked the breath from your lungs, I could taste you, feel you everywhere at once, and suddenly I needed more than your breath inside me. I rocked my hips up to meet your hand and whimpered as you sucked my lower lip into your mouth. Our breath picked up, hitched at the same time as you slid another finger into me. I was holding on to your shoulders now, trying desperately to get closer to you somehow, just to be nearer, and you calmed me with a breath breathed slowly against my lips.
Your fingers disappeared and were quickly replaced as you carefully sank into me, watching my reaction intently. Your face clouded with concern as tears sprang to my eyes again, slowly spilling down my cheeks. I shook my head and wrapped my legs around you, you just felt so completely and absolutely "Perfect". The single word tumbled from our throats at the same time as you pushed further into me. I was pulling you closer, deeper, tighter, melting into you as our breaths matched and our tears mingled. You rocked slowly in and out of me, savoring every shudder, every moan, every movement that made us more in sync with each other.
We were getting closer, I could feel it, we wouldn't last much longer. I broke our kiss to lick our combined tears off your cheek as your breath puffed against my ear. You licked mine too, running your lip rings up along my face and kissing my eyelids. We sped up moving faster together as I began to mewl beneath you. And suddenly I'm desperate again, afraid that this will be the only time, the one time, just another glorified gasp and I "don't want you to stop, don't ever stop breathing for me". I didn't even realize I said them, I'm still not sure I did, but your voice was like an anchor for me as you swore to me, against me softly that you would never stop, never ever stop. You put your lips to mine one last time as we breathed together pulling each other over and you collapsed on top of me.
And now we lie here, you're asleep in my arms and I am comforted by the steady rise and fall of your chest because for the first time, I'm breathing easy and you're breathing steady and we'll never stop.
Rated- NC17
Dedication- To my Koi! I hope this brightens your day.
Notes- Whew. Writing this one was like suddenly running the 100 meter dash flat out. I've been working on this other bear of a fic that's just not coming together like I want it to, I took a break, and this is what happened! I'm sorry about all the grammatical mishaps here, it makes it more difficult to read I know, but I think it gives a better representation of the character. So…Feedback is the stuff that life is made of!!! Oh yeah, one last thing, it's Joel's point of view.
Disclaimer- It's called fiction for a reason folks, it means I made it all up! Not one iota of this is true no matter how much I wish it was.
There was always something there I think, just below the surface, roiling and rioting against my skin, against my soul. A single look could shake the very foundations of my world, a word could send me soaring toward the heavens, an action, and there were so many actions, inevitably would send me crashing back down to the deepest depths of my personal hell. And I know you knew this, knew all of this, and you did it anyway, flaunted it, forced me to see what you weren't. But you were. You could hide it from yourself but not from me, never from me, no never never from me. I know you, I see you like none other. I watch as you tear yourself to pieces for them, handing out little bits of your soul in return for the glory, the fame, the fortune, in a desperate hope that maybe, just maybe the love of so many might make up for the lack of love from one. But there is no lack here, just love, just adoration, just breath. I breathe for you. And somewhere, somehow I know you breathe for me too, you would just rather get to hold your breath and be like everyone else. But everyone's got to take a breath once in a while.
This morning I could feel your breath. It was against my bare shoulder. I was standing, getting dressed. Already I had on a pair of sagging baggy khakis and plaid boxers, no shirt. You came up behind me, stood so close I could feel your body heat. Your breath ghosted over my shoulder and past my right ear and I stood very still. I watched in the mirror as you dipped your head to my neck and inhaled, eyes closed before you pulled away. You never touched me.
You're afraid they'll know, the great elusive they. You're always so careful not to touch me, ever. You pose and position yourself at the far end of pictures trying desperately to make depression look more like boredom. It doesn't work, I see through it every time. They do too. They know you're in pain, they see it, taste it, wanna fix it. It's palpable even to their senses. And you ignore it, breathe deep and hold it until you're blue in the face and have to breath, have to. Just a quick gasp, a desperate grab for the perceived poison that sustains you, gives you life and takes your heart. It takes mine too. Every time I hear you gasping, your body wracked with sobs of love and frustration and self loathing, I lose a piece of myself. Yours would be easier if I wasn't around, I feel that acutely and if I didn't need you so much, if you weren't my oxygen, I would leave. Because there's no point in holding your breath when there's no air to breathe.
I love you though. And some day, maybe some day I'll get up the courage to do it, to either force my air into your lungs, to make you want to breathe, or to go and never make you have to breathe again. But I'm a coward and you're strong. And a part of me knows that that day will never come. So I sit and watch you, staring hard, wishing you would just breathe, just one more time.
Tonight I saw you gasping. You were sitting on my bunk, hugging my pillow wet with tears. Your hand was in your lap and you were puffing my name from between clenched teeth. Your breath was betraying you, forcing it's way out through your jaws in a series of sinister slithering hisses, your lips curled against the words. Every part of your being was raging against itself, the riot of your skin, of your soul, of your breath was out of control and all you could do was hang on for the ride and hope for the best. And right then, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You were splendor and grace, you were real and you were earnest, and you were saying my name.
I inhaled sharply and held it, crossing over to you quickly and pulling my pillow from your grasp. You looked angry, surprised, ashamed, but I didn't care. I sat down in your lap facing you, I slid my hands from your shoulders to your jaw, cupping your face in my palms. I used my thumbs to part you lips, leaned forward, and very slowly exhaled as you finally inhaled and didn't hold it. We sat like that for almost an hour, still as statues breathing in for the others out, out for their in. I was drunk on your breath but still a coward, still afraid and unsure of what to do and you were always the strong one.
You finally released the blankets from your clenched hands and slid them up my body, I groaned softly at the contact. Your hands ghosted along my sides slowly lifting my shirt with it and now I was having to concentrate on my breathing, to keep it matched with yours. My shirt slipped between us as you pulled it off of me. I was afraid for a moment that it was broken, we were broken again when your lips didn't return to mine, but no, I was wrong. Your mouth moved to my neck, to my shoulder, to my chest, you were breathing in my skin, tasting it and sending tremors through my whole being. Oh god it felt good because "You never touch me". The words fell unbidden from my lips as you laved your tongue over my nipple. You paused, looking up at me with identical brown eyes and you kissed me, softly, gently, slowly, called me baby as you laid me down on my bunk, kissed the tracks from the tears that I didn't even know I was crying. Your mouth went back to mine and you breathed with me again as you slowly peeled off the khakis and boxers you watched me put on this morning.
My hands wouldn't work right. They shook and trembled so terribly that I couldn't get your shirt off and I whined quietly. You pulled away to tug off your own cloths and I whimpered bereft, I thought you were leaving and I couldn't take that, not now, not after this. You fell back on top of me immediately, jeans still twisted around you knees as you fought to kick them off. The air was forced out of my lungs as your tattooed arms wrapped around me, fingers raking through my hair and your tongue began a slow, methodical exploration of my mouth.
I moaned again against your lips as one hand slipped down my stomach and between my thighs, gently spreading my legs. I shuddered again as you asked me to lift my hips and slid the still tear soaked pillow under me. You grabbed a bottle of lotion from the shelf over my bunk before settling back down on top of me and recaptured my lips, taking me, claiming me, easing your tongue and a finger into me at the same time. My gasp sucked the breath from your lungs, I could taste you, feel you everywhere at once, and suddenly I needed more than your breath inside me. I rocked my hips up to meet your hand and whimpered as you sucked my lower lip into your mouth. Our breath picked up, hitched at the same time as you slid another finger into me. I was holding on to your shoulders now, trying desperately to get closer to you somehow, just to be nearer, and you calmed me with a breath breathed slowly against my lips.
Your fingers disappeared and were quickly replaced as you carefully sank into me, watching my reaction intently. Your face clouded with concern as tears sprang to my eyes again, slowly spilling down my cheeks. I shook my head and wrapped my legs around you, you just felt so completely and absolutely "Perfect". The single word tumbled from our throats at the same time as you pushed further into me. I was pulling you closer, deeper, tighter, melting into you as our breaths matched and our tears mingled. You rocked slowly in and out of me, savoring every shudder, every moan, every movement that made us more in sync with each other.
We were getting closer, I could feel it, we wouldn't last much longer. I broke our kiss to lick our combined tears off your cheek as your breath puffed against my ear. You licked mine too, running your lip rings up along my face and kissing my eyelids. We sped up moving faster together as I began to mewl beneath you. And suddenly I'm desperate again, afraid that this will be the only time, the one time, just another glorified gasp and I "don't want you to stop, don't ever stop breathing for me". I didn't even realize I said them, I'm still not sure I did, but your voice was like an anchor for me as you swore to me, against me softly that you would never stop, never ever stop. You put your lips to mine one last time as we breathed together pulling each other over and you collapsed on top of me.
And now we lie here, you're asleep in my arms and I am comforted by the steady rise and fall of your chest because for the first time, I'm breathing easy and you're breathing steady and we'll never stop.