Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes
Reposted from my journal, originally posted May 9:
Herewith: Van Helsing in fifteen minutes. I took this silver bullet for you. (Spoilers. Duh.) Now with icons!
Castle Frankenstein
Dr. Frankenstein has a big lab. The Creature is ALIIIIIVE! Count Roxula demands that the Creature be handed over. The fact that Count Roxula is a vampire seems to have escaped Dr. Frankenstein, who is so smart that he can unlock the key to creating artificial life, but can't notice that the guy in front of him is undead. The villagers chase the Creature with pitchforks and torches.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Notre Dame, Paris
Mr. Hyde has escaped from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. He plunges to his death and everyone blames Van Helsing. The French gendarme yells at Van Helsing in a German accent.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
The Valerious Family Plans a Wolf Hunt
VELKAN: Hey, Anna, why don't we give the whole gang guns with silver bullets?
ANNA: Oh, I'm sure we'll only need yours. You know, just the one. Have you checked the rope for knots?
VELKAN: Nah, but I'm sure it's fine.
ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.
VELKAN: Nah, I'm good.
ANNA: You sure? I mean, I'm sure we've got a spare gypsy dude around here--
SPARE GYPSY DUDE: HEY!
VELKAN: Nah, man, I'm good. I got ballet skills. No worries.
Everything goes horribly, predictably wrong. Velkan and the werewolf tumble off a cliff.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
Vatican City, Rome
Van Helsing goes to confessional. Some cardinal bitches at him. "Why won't you tell them I work for you?" whines Van Helsing, totally sounding like some married guy's girlfriend whining that he won't take her out in public.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Secret Basement of the Vatican City, Rome
SOME CARDINAL: Look, here's my little CIA-style magic lantern show. We just got the Valerious Glamour Shots in, aren't they nice? And here's Gypsy Princess Anna. I hear she likes killing things as much as you do.
VAN HELSING: Ooo.
Van Helsing goes to get his new weaponry. Despite being based on a Stoker character, he apparently knows nothing about vampires. The movie rips off every Q-shows-Bond-some-gadget scenes ever filmed. David Wenham is absent-minded and cute in a googly sort of way.
VAN HELSING: You're coming with me.
CARL: The damn hell ass fucking shit I am.
VAN HELSING: What up with the foul language, dude? I thought you were a monk.
CARL: Friar. I'm a FRIAR. Basically, we have the same pension plan, but that's about all.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
Ship, the Adriatic Sea
Having received their mission, Carl and Van Helsing sail a nice little ship over a calm sea.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
East Budafuck, Transylvania
VAN HELSING: You know, we could totally help you with your vampire problem.
ANNA: Nah, thanks, got it covered.
VAN HELSING: Except for the part where you're, like, the only surviving Valerious.
ANNA: Yeah, but I got gymnastic skills and tight pants. No worries.
The vampire brides hurl Anna around the village square like a basketball. A basketball that looks really good in a corset.
Valerious Manor, East Budafuck
Anna weeps as her hot beloved brother turns into a badly computer-generated werewolf before her eyes.
VAN HELSING: I'm going to shoot him!
ANNA: Don't shoot him!
VAN HELSING: I'm going to shoot him!
ANNA: Don't shoot him!
VAN HELSING: I'm going to shoot him!
ANNA: Don't shoot him!
VAN HELSING: He's not your brother anymore! He's just a bunch of pixels!
ANNA: . . .
Outside in the rain, they have A Moment.
ANNA: You know, I always wanted to see the sea.
VAN HELSING: Whatever, Legolas.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Castle Frankenstein
REDHEAD CHICK: We lost the other redhead chick! WAHHHHH!
ROXULA: Look, that's all your fault, right there. Daylight my ass.
BRUNETTE CHICK: We want babies! WAHHHHH!
ROXULA: GODDAMMIT, WOMAN, QUIT YOUR BITCHING! I CAN'T PROCREATE ANY FASTER!
IGOR: *is fugly*
Basement of Castle Frankenstein
Van Helsing sticks his hand into a hanging baby vampire sac, because he is a moron. Lightning bolts, which Roxula can apparently switch on and off at his convenience, animate the baby vampires. They are ALIIIIIVE! Except that then they're not ALIIIIIVE enough, and they explode in bursts of slime. Or something.
VAMPIRE CHICKS: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ROXULA: Gabriel! I know who you really are! I know the life you can't remember! I CAN EXPLAIN WHY THEY CHANGED YOUR NAME FROM ABRAHAM!
VAN HELSING: Can you explain why silver stakes and crucifixes don't work on you?
ROXULA: Something about not having a heart, I dunno.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Valerious Manor, East Budafuck
CARL: Hugh Jackman's running around in leather and tight pants, and I'm the one who gets laid?
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Castle Frankenstein
VAN HELSING: Hurry! We're behind on our rope-swinging quota!
ANNA: AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaHHHHHHH!
They swing across a five-mile chasm and land unharmed on the other side. To celebrate, they go investigate the burnt-out windmill where the Creature was last seen. They find what is apparently the village kids' stash of absinthe and start chugging for the hell of it, only to fall into Gollum's the Creature's subterranean hideout.
ANNA: I'm going to shoot him!
VAN HELSING: Don't shoot him!
ANNA: I'm going to shoot him!
VAN HELSING: Don't shoot him!
ANNA: I'm going to shoot him!
VAN HELSING: Don't shoot him! I can feel evil, and he's not evil!
ANNA: . . .
THE CREATURE: Bite my patchwork ass, bitch.
East Budafuck, Transylvania
The Creature must be taken to Rome by coach to keep him out of Roxula's hands.
ANNA: Nothing is faster than Transylvanian horses!
CARL: I dunno, you got some pretty fast barmaids back there.
VAN HELSING: I can't believe you got laid before I did.
CARL: What can I say? Chicks dig the frock, man.
Van Helsing drives the coach through the dark and spooky woods. The vampire chicks come and throw him around, and then the horses magically jump over a hundred-mile gap in the bridge, but the carriage falls off and Carl and the Creature plummet to their deaths.
BRUNETTE CHICK: NOOOOOOOOO! OUR BABIES!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
REDHEAD CHICK: Wait, what does the Creature have to do with our babies?
BRUNETTE CHICK: Something...?
REDHEAD CHICK: NOOOOOOOOO! OUR BABIES!
The vampire chicks save the carriage, except that the brunette one isn't strong enough and flies away, and the redhead chick is totally gutted by a stake bomb inside when it hits the ground, because it was... wait, what?
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Other Side of East Budafuck
Van Helsing and his horses meet up with Anna and the real carriage with Carl and the Creature. Or something. And then Velkanwolf catches up with them. Or something. And then the roof of the carriage catches on fire. Or something.
VELKANWOLF: I KEEL YOU, BIATCH!
VAN HELSING: I spin around atop a moving, burning carriage and shoot at you in Matrix slo-mo!
VELKANWOLF: *dies*
ANNA: YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! YOU BASTARD!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VAN HELSING: Look, I thought we settled this! Bunch of pixels!
ANNA: Oh, my God! Velkanwolf bit you!
VAN HELSING: Oh, fuck.
Theater 10, The Rave
Stuff happens, and I can't remember what, because the ear-raping noise level has turned my brain to mush.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Bucharest or Budapest or Someplace Like That
VAN HELSING: We must save Anna!
CARL: Wait, she was kidnapped? How'd that happen?
VAN HELSING: You know... stuff. It happens.
CARL: Ah, yes. Stuff.
VAN HELSING: We must save Anna!
REDHEAD CHICK: We will trade the Creature for the princess!
VAN HELSING: Wait... didn't you die back there?
REDHEAD CHICK: No, that was the other vampire chick.
VAN HELSING: You sure? I could've sworn...
REDHEAD CHICK: Look, you wanna trade or what?
VAN HELSING: Yeah, sure, that's fine.
THE CREATURE: Man, I hate you all.
Some Graveyard Somewhere
CARL: So we're not really trading the Creature?
VAN HELSING: What, do I look stupid?
CARL: So the Creature will sit tight in that church where no one can get him?
VAN HELSING: Pretty much. No one can get him out except the dead.
THE DEAD'S HAND: *pushes crypt lid open*
THE AUDIENCE: Who the fuck is that?
THE DEAD: *is never seen again*
Roxula's Halloween Party
Everyone is masked. Cirque du Soleil is bendy. Carl is dressed like a jester, and Van Helsing is dressed like an acrobat, because that's all Fine Costume Rentals of Buchapest had left.
SOME VAMPIRE: So we're not really trading the princess?
ROXULA: What, do I look stupid?
Anna appears in a red dress, conveniently locating her amid a crowd of people dressed in dark colors. She appears to be stoned off her gourd.
ROXULA: Ah, Anna, my love. I have a couple of vacant bride positions to fill, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
ANNA: Wheeee, colors are pretty!
ROXULA: I sex you up because I am the sexy!
ANNA [waking up]: ...Dude, is your hair in a ...ponytail?
ROXULA: . . .
ANNA: Sorry, the ponytail is a complete dealbreaker for me... my God, you have no heartbeat!
ROXULA: Hello! Have you even been watching this movie? Clue train! Boards at four o'clock!
Van Helsing uses his new werewolf skills to Cirque du Soleil his way over on a rope and snatch Anna away.
CARL: Van Helsing! Look! I figured out what the thingamajig I worked on for twelve years is for! Look! It's a deus ex machina!
VAN HELSING: Look, I haven't broken a stained-glass window since the beginning of the movie--we're really running behind, if you don't mind putting on a quickness.
They jump through a stained-glass window. The thingamajig explodes in a blaze of light and vaporizes every vampire (except Roxula) for five hundred miles.
Igor paddles away with the Creature in tow. Our heroes doggy-paddle in a moat behind a gate, hanging onto Anna's couture gown/flotation device.
VAN HELSING: We're coming to save you! We'll rescue you!
THE CREATURE: Whatever, asshole.
Valerious Manor
Carl explains the entire back story, and yet none of it makes any sense.
VAN HELSING: This extremely convenient scrap of paper that the Vatican has been sitting on for four hundred years will unlock the door of the icy fortress to which your ancestors banished Roxula long ago!
ANNA: Except for the part where he's been hanging out at Castle Frankenstein, and the village, and Buchapest...
VAN HELSING: . . .
The scrap does unlock the door, which turns into a mirror, which turns into a portal, which leads to...
ANNA: My God! It's a matte painting!
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Castle Roxula
VAN HELSING: Look, time is of the essence. You find the magical antidote we just found out about, and I'll go kick Dracula's ass because we just found out that I can do that. Hurry.
ANNA: Let's make out first.
VAN HELSING: Right on.
The redhead chick kicks Anna's ass. Igor chases Carl with an electric cattle prod. Van Helsing sort of frees the Creature, only not fast enough, and all the new vampire babies over at this castle are ALIIIIVE! There is much swinging on ropes. Death is narrowly averted, except for Igor, who doesn't avert it at all, but he's fugly, so we don't care. Oh, and the redhead chick gets killed (again?). The clock strikes midnight, which has something to do with werewolves being under Roxula's power, except that Van Helsing, who is now Helsingwolf, isn't, because... he doesn't want to be. Or... something.
HELSINGWOLF: I KEEL YOU, BIATCH!
ROXULA: The one thing that can kill me, and you've magically become it. I don't fucking believe this.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
Helsingwolf and Roxulabeast throw each other around the lab, breaking thousands of dollars' worth of chemical equipment that's got to be hard to get hold of in East Budafuck. Woe. Crazy little hell ewoks run around on fire.
HELSINGWOLF: *claws go snick*
ROXULA: NO FAIR STEALING FROM OTHER MOVIES!
HELSINGWOLF: Dude, this whole movie is stolen from other movies.
ROXULA: Wait! Stop! We could be friends! I could tell you all the stuff you've forgotten!
HELSINGWOLF: Like what?
ROXULA: Like the time you bit my finger off and took my ring!
HELSINGWOLF: Dude, what are you even talking about?
ROXULA: . . .
Helsingwolf chomps on Roxula and kills him. Anna races in with the antidote syringe, but Helsingwolf throws her on a nearby velvet sofa, the staple of every mad scientist's laboratory--
CARL: Hey! I know you're jealous that I got some, but this is no time for--
--and jumps on her. Slowly he backs away, empty syringe sticking out of his perfect, furry abs. But woe! Anna lies dead on the sofa.
CARL: Oh my God! You... you smushed her to death!*
Helsingwolf picks up Dead Anna, throws back his head, and emits a brokenhearted AROOOOOOOOOOO as he changes back to a half-naked man. Anna remains dead from smush.
Some Grassy Cliff by the Sea, Because Anna Wanted to See the Sea, But Now She Never Will (*Tear*)
The Creature paddles off, leaving the only people who aren't afraid of him, because he is a moron. Anna lies on a bier, her hair freshly curled. Apparently Carl is handier than we suspected.
VAN HELSING: Between the cursing and the one-night stand, are you even qualified to read a funeral service?
CARL: Look, man, it's not my fault only one of us knows how to score.
They burn Anna's body. Up in the sky, the Valerious family is reunited in wispy cloud formations. The wind is heard to whisper, Mufaaaaaaaasa...
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VAN HELSING (tearful): She was the only woman who ever liked killing things as much as I do.
CARL: Don't worry. We'll go down to the pound and pick you out a nice new love interest for the sequel.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
FIN.
Note: Credit for "she got smushed to death" totally belongs to malenky_devil. Just wanted to say.
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