2012 in Fifteen Minutes
1) O hai! I'm going to see the ~*Special Preview Omg*~ of New Moon tonight! I feel it's more fair to wait until after opening weekend, though, so if my performance anxiety lets up long enough for me to write anything, it will appear no sooner than Monday.
2) This one's quick and loose (as quick as TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES can be), hope you enjoy it.
3) STOP REPOSTING MY STUFF, SERIOUSLY
I. The First 57 Minutes of the Movie
[I'm not using too many of the actual character names, because let's face it, I don't care and you don't either.]
The Institute of Copper Mines and Sun Science, 2009
DR. INDIAN GUY: Solar flares! Physical reactions! FERAL NEUTRINOS!
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: No--it can't be! You can't mean--
DR. INDIAN GUY: YES. We are in--A DISASTER MOVIE. Look at these calculations!
(The Day After Tomorrow - teen romance) x (Independence Day - aliens) x (Deep Impact - Elijah Wood)
x (Earthquake + Dante's Peak + Poseidon) = Waterworld
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: The Poseidon Adventure, or the bad remake?
DR. INDIAN GUY: The bad one.
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: MY GOD.
Some Fundraiser, 2009
DR. EJIOFOR: omg I have very important news namely that the world is going to end wtf
OLIVER PLATT, WHO IS SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT SOMEBODY: We're fundraising, peon. Security! Kbai.
DR. EJIOFOR: LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE, I AM A RESEARCH SCIENTIST IN A DISASTER MOVIE!
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OLIVER PLATT: ... I can probably give you five minutes.
The Oval Office, 2010
[Danny Glover is playing the president, because apparently they couldn't afford Morgan Freeman.]
PRESIDENT GLOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Heads of State... I regret to inform you that we have known for six months...
THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: SIX MONTHS??
PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... that the director of this movie... is Roland Emmerich.
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THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: :O
Somewhere Over in The Da Vinci Code, 2011
THE MANAGER OF THE LOUVRE: We evacuated the masterpieces but they are not where we put them! It is all a conspiracy! I know the truth! I have called a press conference to tell the wor[*FIREBALL*]
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MADEMOISELLE THANDIE NEWTON: L'OMFG.
The Institute of World Ending and Panic Studies, 2012
DR. INDIAN GUY: GEOBABBLE ZOMG
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: WTF NO
DR. INDIAN GUY: THERE IS NO MORE TIME
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: NOOOOOO
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DR. INDIAN GUY: MOST OF EVERYONE WILL DIE
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: *EJIO TEAR*
Coincidence Beach, California, 2012
[John Cusack is the Everyman Hero; I guess they couldn't afford Nicolas Cage. He has an ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and two kids, a preteen with a bad attitude ("Noah") and a bedwetter with a hat fetish ("Lilly"). They, in turn, have a stepfather who we will only call "Gordon," because this movie hates him.]
JOHN CUSACK: If I gotta bond with the kids in the middle of worldwide miniquakes, I say we go to Yellowstone. You know, with the geysers and the largest volcano in North America, where the deer and the antelope rot by the mysteriously dried-up lakes.
AMANDA PEET: In a limo?
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JOHN CUSACK: I'M A QUIRKY DYSFUNCTIONAL WRITER, OKAY?
AMANDA PEET: Whatevs. Just don't forget Lilly's Pull-Ups and her thirty-seven earflappy caps.
LILLY: The one with kitty ears is my favorite!
Everyone Else, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE
THANDIE NEWTON: I'm actually the President's daughter! I hope there's exactly one (1) other black actor in this movie for me to fall in love with.
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BLU MANKUMA: I'm a cruise ship singer!
GEORGE SEGAL: It's true! We play highly ironic lounge songs on ocean liners.
BLU MANKUMA: I'm so proud of my son Chiwetel! I hope he calls me one last time before we all die.
GEORGE SEGAL: I've never met my granddaughter because I'm racist! I hope I don't have to listen to my son and his family die because I was too big an asshat to call them sooner.
RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: I am beeg stereotype with great moneys and celebutante girlfriend. Also twin boys who are the spoiled assholes. My first son, he is boxer like once I am. That is why I walk out on him when government calls to say we all die. I give them beellion dollars to take me with. Ironically, I am beeg capitalist.
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HOT SASHA: I am private pilot of beellionaire. Also Russian. And hot. Extremely.
RUSSIAN NIFAUXLE RICHIE: As long as this purse dog I have, I get to live!
RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: Fake boobs I bought you also great flotation device.
Yellowstone National Park
[John Cusack decides to climb over the huge STOP - NO TRESPASSING - END OF THE WORLD fence with his kids because apparently they're all too stupid to live. Fortunately (?) they run into Woody Harrelson, Conspiracy Nut. (He's the kind of unwashed hippie nutcase who mutters about how the gummint is out to get us, let's put it that way.) Later that night, after Noah texts his dad all OMG I H8 U from all of three feet away and Lilly's cuddling her six favoritest hats, John Cusack leaves his children defenseless in the woods to go stumbling upon Woody Harrelson broadcasting from Radio KRZY-100 in a camper. I'm assuming they were able to afford Harrelson because they paid him in weed.]
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CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: Hey, man, you gotta download my blog, it explains EVERYTHING!
JOHN CUSACK: I don't know that you really "download" a--
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: MSPaint rarrrr dinosaurs Mayans secret map Rapture spaceships beer?
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JOHN CUSACK: ... I'll have a double.
Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt
GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.
AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
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GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.
WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING, BLOW STUFF UP ALREADY
DR. EJIOFOR: HEY YOU CLIMBED OVER MY--omg! omg omg! YOU'RE THAT WRITER PLAYED BY JOHN CUSACK! I love that one book you wrote about Atlantis and humanity banding together to learn the meaning of Christmas or whatever! You're free to go!
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LILLY: Daddy, can I have a military hat?
BLOW STUFF UP NOWWWWWWWWW
[So Unsuccessful Writer John Cusack goes back to his not-writing job, where it turns out that he was working as Russian Billionaire's limo driver, and his last act as such is to drive the Russian Billionaire and the asshole twins and Nifauxle Richie and Hot Sasha and the purse dog to their plane because they're going to fly away to...?]
TWEEDLEDUMSKY: Secret ships of the government that Beelionaire Daddy pays for!
TWEEDLEDEESKY: We survive!
TWEEDLEDUMSKY: IS NOT FOR YOU!
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TWEEDLEDEESKY: YOU CAN NOT HAS!
JOHN CUSACK: ... omg.
II. The Part of the Movie I Actually Paid to See
THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED
[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]
THE EARTH
OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO
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JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR
LILLY: Not without my hats!!
GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--
JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!
GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
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JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.
[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
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JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT
[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]
GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.
LILLY: *bawl*
[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
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[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]
GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--
THE EARTH
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FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE
[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]
Somewhere Over Yellowstone National Disaster
GORDON: Cusack, where are we even GOING?
JOHN CUSACK: See, I met this crackpot conspiracy-nut DIY radio host in a camper in Yellowstone and HE says that the world's going to end because the Aztecs ran out of calendars or some shit but more importantly the GOVERNMENT knows about it and they have SPACESHIPS to escape on and I know some rich Russian asshole who can get us on one. Maybe. Probably. But I need the conspiracy nut's secret map, you see, in order to figure out where the spaceships that may or may not exist that we may or may not be able to get on are! And Fucknut's up there on... the biggest volcano in North America. YOU STAY HERE WHILE I TAKE HATGIRL TO FIND HIM.
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AMANDA PEET: WHAT THE HELL?
JOHN CUSACK: I must take a small child if I am to get out of this action scene alive!
AMANDA PEET: ...!!1!
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GORDON: Well, he is right, you know.
[So John Cusack hijacks the Camper of Crazy to hunt down Crazy Woody Harrelson, who is broadcasting from the tippy-top of the Yellowstone Caldera all "COLORS ARE PRETTY" getting ready to Tweet the apocalypse or whatever--]
JOHN CUSACK: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, WHERE'S THE SECRET MAP?!?!
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: I... uh... I filed it behind "Roswell"? After "Illuminati"? Beside "Birthers"? NO! I filed it under "MacGuffins"--hey, did you just see those two hobbits run by?
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JOHN CUSACK: EXCELLENT, THANKS, HAVE A NICE DEATH
[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]
JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!
[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]
GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.
LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!
AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
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GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER
[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]
JOHN CUSACK [*unfolding map*]: Drum roll, please! We are going to...
AMANDA PEET: CHINA?
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JOHN CUSACK: .. fuck.
Leaving Las Vegas
[Once they get as far as Mordor Vegas, they run into Russian Billionaire again, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that Gordon was the plastic surgeon who installed Nifauxle Richie's fake boobs, so Russian Billionaire lets them come with when it's time to escape on his Assholov 500 plane filled with hot sports cars. And then Vegas asplodes. The most important part of this scene is Hot Sasha, being hot.]
III. The Rest of the Movie, Which Bored Me Stupid
The White House Chapel
DR. EJIOFOR: Mr. President, it's time to flee!
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PRESIDENT GLOVER: I have decided, like any good captain, to go down with my ship--I, the very last President of this great nation. But let me tell you, Dr. Ejiofor, it gives me great hope that there is exactly one (1) black actor to fall in love with my daughter. Please, enjoy your tacked-on romance through our future surviving generations.
SOME AIDE: Excuse me, Mr. President, it's time to announce that everyone's going to die.
Jumbotron, Times Square
PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... and so, in conclusion, we decided not to tell you until right now that there are a bunch of Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks and you're not on them. Death is imminent for us all, but I'm sure this prayer will console y--[*FIZZLE*]
EXPLODE SHIT ALREADY, I'M DYING OVER HERE
SOME FX GUY: So which monuments do we want to destroy this time?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, the White House, obviously, because we always destroy the White House. Politically dissatisfied audiences eat that up.
SOME FX GUY: Is there any other kind?
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ROLAND EMMERICH: LOL
SOME FX GUY: So, the Eiffel Tower, then?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Didn't we already do that one?
SOME FX GUY: Possibly? We've destroyed a lot of stuff, I can't really remember.
ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, let's hedge our bets and destroy the Eiffel Tower on top of that one casino.
SOME FX GUY: How about the Sistine Chapel?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Oh, I don't think we've ever trashed anything in Italy, that's good.
SOME FX GUY: And we can totally show the ceiling splitting right between the fingertips of God and Man.
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ROLAND EMMERICH: I am totally giving you a bonus for that. A fruit basket, certainly.
Washington, D.C.
[Due to the Yellowstone ash cloud, nuclear winter has already set in over D.C. Then the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy tsunamis on over and pwns the White House (see, because President Glover is going down with the ship, and...), where the President is impaled by a falling pun.]
Some Ironically-Named Ocean Liner
GEORGE SEGAL: You know, it really is too bad that I'm so racist, I should reconcile with--
THE EARTH
CRY MOAR
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~BITCHNAMI~
The Assholov 500
[While Hot Sasha tries to get them as close to China as their current fuel supplies will allow, there are many tender, quiet moments involving people we don't actually care about, while Lilly strokes a pilot's hat and Nifauxle Richie comforts her purse dog.]
GORDON: All I've ever wanted is a family--a family to love and to love me, the way my wife and stepkids are clinging to Cusack right now.
NOAH: Dad, you should be nicer to Gordon, because he's unexpectedly awesome and you suck.
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JOHN CUSACK: Shut up and snuggle, you little bastard.
AMANDA PEET: Is it possible for a dysfunctional weaksauce writer to change? Could we love again, John Cusack? Because seriously, there's probably going to be a high male-to-female survivor ratio in the New World. I'm thinking [*waves hands*] ... man harems.
Oh, Some of the Humanity!
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, so President Glover went down with the ship, and the Vice President blew up somewhere, so I'm now--
SOME AIDE: What about the Speaker of the House? The President pro tempore of the Senate? The rest of the cabinet?
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OLIVER PLATT: SO BASICALLY I'M PRESIDENT NOW.
[The animals of the Earth that people actually like are airlifted over to the four Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks hidden in a Secret Chinese Dam, as well as Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton, two by two.]
DR. EJIOFOR: Dr. Indian Guy and Mrs. Dr. Indian Guy and The Littlest Indian Guy just got tsunami'd! You never sent anyone to pick them up! OMG HDU.
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OLIVER PLATT: Suck it, Science Boy, I left my own mother to die at Shady Pines.
DR. EJIOFOR: WAIT. How did you decide who got a seat on the Ark?
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OLIVER PLATT: Look, it's incredibly simple: we got a team of the best eugenicists to pick out the richest bunch of assholes.
DR. EJIOFOR: >:O
The Assholov 500
[The plane will run out of fuel before they reach China, because duh. For a moment I sincerely thought they were going to siphon all the gasoline out of Russian Billionaire's eleventy-umpteen sports cars to keep the plane going, because that is nowhere near the most implausible thing that would have happened in this movie. But no, John Cusack decides that they should all pile into a Bentley and drive out of the plane mid-air, because John Cusack can outdrive anything, including plane crashes, QED. And they can do this because the Earth's crust has shifted so far that they are now over China. Are you for real? FOR REAL. SERIOUSLY--]
THE EARTH
*SIZZLE*
[OW THAT USED TO BE MY HAIR]
[But Hot Sasha must continue to pilot the plane so that everyone else can escape, but he gets the plane to stop RIGHT halfway over the edge of the cliff. Whew! But it starts seesawing! Run, Hot Sasha! Run! RUN! I SAID RUN GODDAMMIT YOU ARE TOO HOT TO DIE--]
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* $100,000 FIREBALL FX *
[NOOOOOO, HOT SASHA WHYYYYYYYY.]
[And then the Chinese military shows up to take the Russian Billionaire and Family to the Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks, which turn out to be actual ships and not spaceships because I guess the movie ran out of money to be that awesome, and he totally dicks over the Gordon-Cusacks and leaves them to die of special effects. Oh, and he also leaves Nifauxle Richie and the purse dog, because he knew she and Hot Sasha were totes doing it the whole time.]
Inside Some Secret Chinese Dam
[One of the Conspiracy Arks got bashed in by an action scene, so now they're down to three and 1/4 of the people who were supposed to survive are panicking and rioting and trampling each other to death at the docks. OH LOOK THERE IS THE RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE AND HIS KIDS. Irony: it's a bitch.]
The Big Emotional Grandstanding Speech
DR. EJIOFOR: We must let these people onto the other three Arks! If we let them die, then there is no point to saving any of humanity at all. If you do not save these greedy billionaires, it will all have been FOR NOTHING.
ALL THE OTHER WORLD LEADERS: *tears of togetherness*
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OLIVER PLATT: FINE. But we are SO LEAVING the Chinese workers behind, don't even ask.
Some Chinese Family, Because Someone Not American Has to Live
YOUNG BUDDHIST: Grandma! Grandpa! Brother Who Worked on the Secret Chinese Dam! We must save these stranded white people because my mentor The Great Rinpoche told me that the cup is empty.
CHINESE BROTHER: What does that even mean?
YOUNG BUDDHIST: Look, I don't know. That's why he's The Great Rinpoche. Well, I mean, now he's The Dead Tsunami'd Rinpoche, but the point stands.
CHINESE BROTHER: You know, I'm going to have a hard enough time smuggling my own family into the Conspiracy Ark. I don't even know how you expect me to sneak--one... two... six people and a purse dog in there too.
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YOUNG BUDDHIST: But look! That one is the hero! We can't fail if we've got a MOVIE STAR with us!
CHINESE BROTHER: EVERYBODY IN THE TRUCK!
Secret Survivor Conspiracy Ark #3
[While everyone's trying to crowd onto the American Ark, Chinese Brother drills into an access panel and shovels the gang inside. Unfortunately, while the drawbridge whatever gate is trying to open or close or look, whatever, my eyes were about to fall out of my head at this point and we still had an hour to go, Russian Billionaire gives the Tweedledumskys a boost to safety but falls to his own death and more people get crushed and trampled and the whole thing isn't working so well, and then--wait, that's right, the gate must have been opening because now it's trying to close and Our Heroes are about to get crushed to death and Chinese Brother gets his foot geared off so John Cusack throws the drill between the giant wheels and GORDON IS HORRIBLY CRUSHED TO DEATH ANYWAY? WHAT? WHAT?]
THE EARTH
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SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST
[Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton run down to the engine room to see why the drawbridge whatever gate is blocked and the ship is taking on water and the engines won't start and all the passengers who didn't get trampled are drowning. Look! Down there in various flooding compartments!]
DR. EJIOFOR: Hey! I KNOW THAT GUY! I'm his only fan! WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WEAKSAUCE WRITER! He is the most important, least expendable character in the entire movie!
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[Maybe I like this movie more than I thought.]
JOHN CUSACK: This is all my fault--
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ALL THE DROWNING PASSENGERS: YEAH IT IS
JOHN CUSACK: --so I should be the one to swim down and pull the drill out.
AMANDA PEET: Nooooo, you must not go! It is a suicide mission! MY HAREM'S ALREADY DOWN BY TWO!
JOHN CUSACK: Hot makeout to remember me by?
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AMANDA PEET: Oh, it is THE LEAST you can do.
Oh, We Haven't Stolen Anything From Titanic Yet, Why Not
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.
[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]
LILLY: HELP HELP I DON'T LIKE DROWNING IN HERE BY MYSELF WITH THE PURSE DOG
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NIFAUXLE RICHIE: Noooooo! I am not American! I AM NOW WITHOUT CHILD OR ANIMAL! Obviously now I *glug glug glug*
NOAH: I have to go after Dad and help him, since I'm totally over that whole Gordon thing too!
AMANDA PEET: NO YOU WILL DIE AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT A HOT MAKEOUT TO REMEMBER YOU BY
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NOAH: But my name is NOAH and we are on an ARK.
AMANDA PEET: ... Godspeed, my son.
Several Reels from The Poseidon Adventure Later...
[Father and son pull out the drill and John Cusack quietly kicks Gordon's mangled body out of the way and the drawbridge gate draws bridge! We are all saved, unless we already drowned! We should have totally run out of air by now, and Chinese Brother definitely should have bled to death, but we needed to save someone who's not American so that's cool. Noah resurfaces in the Cusacks' compartment but... John Cusack does not.]
AMANDA PEET: ...
LILLY: ...
CHINESE FAMILY: ...
PURSE DOG: ...
AMANDA PEET: Oh my God, my harem.
DR. EJIOFOR: Please. If he were really dead, we wouldn't have sat here waiting this long.
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JOHN CUSACK: *TRIUMPHANT SOGGY EMERGENCE!*
DR. EJIOFOR: We have averted the extinction of humanity!
THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOO!
DR. EJIOFOR: AND WE SAVED THE WRITER!
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THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Cape of Good Hope, Because "Hope," You See, And...
[Forty days and a dove later, all the people who weren't trampled or drowned or crushed or left behind gather on the decks of the Arks. Lilly pets her new military hat and she doesn't need her Pull-Ups anymore, mostly because THERE AREN'T ANY NOW, and everyone loves John Cusack again. Presumably he will be a successful writer now, because everyone is really, really bored.]
DR. EJIOFOR: Look! Africa is the only continent to emerge unscathed! It wasn't even flooded! Now we can start all over again with John Cusack's Atlantis book to guide us, right where humanity began.
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OLIVER PLATT: PRESIDENCY DIBS!
DR. EJIOFOR: Hey, Thandie! Hot makeouts now? I mean, we are the only two black people left.
THANDIE NEWTON: Well, it's about predictable damn time!
Africa, The Cradle of Humanity
THE EARTH
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HEY GUYS
A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE ON THE WAY
THEY WANT TO COLONIZE
ACTUAL AFRICANS: AW HALE NO!
Fin.
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( Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)
2) This one's quick and loose (as quick as TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES can be), hope you enjoy it.
3) STOP REPOSTING MY STUFF, SERIOUSLY
I. The First 57 Minutes of the Movie
[I'm not using too many of the actual character names, because let's face it, I don't care and you don't either.]
The Institute of Copper Mines and Sun Science, 2009
DR. INDIAN GUY: Solar flares! Physical reactions! FERAL NEUTRINOS!
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: No--it can't be! You can't mean--
DR. INDIAN GUY: YES. We are in--A DISASTER MOVIE. Look at these calculations!
(The Day After Tomorrow - teen romance) x (Independence Day - aliens) x (Deep Impact - Elijah Wood)
x (Earthquake + Dante's Peak + Poseidon) = Waterworld
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: The Poseidon Adventure, or the bad remake?
DR. INDIAN GUY: The bad one.
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: MY GOD.
Some Fundraiser, 2009
DR. EJIOFOR: omg I have very important news namely that the world is going to end wtf
OLIVER PLATT, WHO IS SOME KIND OF GOVERNMENT SOMEBODY: We're fundraising, peon. Security! Kbai.
DR. EJIOFOR: LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE, I AM A RESEARCH SCIENTIST IN A DISASTER MOVIE!
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OLIVER PLATT: ... I can probably give you five minutes.
The Oval Office, 2010
[Danny Glover is playing the president, because apparently they couldn't afford Morgan Freeman.]
PRESIDENT GLOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Heads of State... I regret to inform you that we have known for six months...
THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: SIX MONTHS??
PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... that the director of this movie... is Roland Emmerich.
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THE OTHER HEADS OF STATE: :O
Somewhere Over in The Da Vinci Code, 2011
THE MANAGER OF THE LOUVRE: We evacuated the masterpieces but they are not where we put them! It is all a conspiracy! I know the truth! I have called a press conference to tell the wor[*FIREBALL*]
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MADEMOISELLE THANDIE NEWTON: L'OMFG.
The Institute of World Ending and Panic Studies, 2012
DR. INDIAN GUY: GEOBABBLE ZOMG
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DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: WTF NO
DR. INDIAN GUY: THERE IS NO MORE TIME
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: NOOOOOO
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DR. INDIAN GUY: MOST OF EVERYONE WILL DIE
DR. CHIWETEL EJIOFOR: *EJIO TEAR*
Coincidence Beach, California, 2012
[John Cusack is the Everyman Hero; I guess they couldn't afford Nicolas Cage. He has an ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and two kids, a preteen with a bad attitude ("Noah") and a bedwetter with a hat fetish ("Lilly"). They, in turn, have a stepfather who we will only call "Gordon," because this movie hates him.]
JOHN CUSACK: If I gotta bond with the kids in the middle of worldwide miniquakes, I say we go to Yellowstone. You know, with the geysers and the largest volcano in North America, where the deer and the antelope rot by the mysteriously dried-up lakes.
AMANDA PEET: In a limo?
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JOHN CUSACK: I'M A QUIRKY DYSFUNCTIONAL WRITER, OKAY?
AMANDA PEET: Whatevs. Just don't forget Lilly's Pull-Ups and her thirty-seven earflappy caps.
LILLY: The one with kitty ears is my favorite!
Everyone Else, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE
THANDIE NEWTON: I'm actually the President's daughter! I hope there's exactly one (1) other black actor in this movie for me to fall in love with.
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BLU MANKUMA: I'm a cruise ship singer!
GEORGE SEGAL: It's true! We play highly ironic lounge songs on ocean liners.
BLU MANKUMA: I'm so proud of my son Chiwetel! I hope he calls me one last time before we all die.
GEORGE SEGAL: I've never met my granddaughter because I'm racist! I hope I don't have to listen to my son and his family die because I was too big an asshat to call them sooner.
RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: I am beeg stereotype with great moneys and celebutante girlfriend. Also twin boys who are the spoiled assholes. My first son, he is boxer like once I am. That is why I walk out on him when government calls to say we all die. I give them beellion dollars to take me with. Ironically, I am beeg capitalist.
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HOT SASHA: I am private pilot of beellionaire. Also Russian. And hot. Extremely.
RUSSIAN NIFAUXLE RICHIE: As long as this purse dog I have, I get to live!
RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE: Fake boobs I bought you also great flotation device.
Yellowstone National Park
[John Cusack decides to climb over the huge STOP - NO TRESPASSING - END OF THE WORLD fence with his kids because apparently they're all too stupid to live. Fortunately (?) they run into Woody Harrelson, Conspiracy Nut. (He's the kind of unwashed hippie nutcase who mutters about how the gummint is out to get us, let's put it that way.) Later that night, after Noah texts his dad all OMG I H8 U from all of three feet away and Lilly's cuddling her six favoritest hats, John Cusack leaves his children defenseless in the woods to go stumbling upon Woody Harrelson broadcasting from Radio KRZY-100 in a camper. I'm assuming they were able to afford Harrelson because they paid him in weed.]
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CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: Hey, man, you gotta download my blog, it explains EVERYTHING!
JOHN CUSACK: I don't know that you really "download" a--
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: MSPaint rarrrr dinosaurs Mayans secret map Rapture spaceships beer?
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JOHN CUSACK: ... I'll have a double.
Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt
GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.
AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
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GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.
WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING, BLOW STUFF UP ALREADY
DR. EJIOFOR: HEY YOU CLIMBED OVER MY--omg! omg omg! YOU'RE THAT WRITER PLAYED BY JOHN CUSACK! I love that one book you wrote about Atlantis and humanity banding together to learn the meaning of Christmas or whatever! You're free to go!
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LILLY: Daddy, can I have a military hat?
BLOW STUFF UP NOWWWWWWWWW
[So Unsuccessful Writer John Cusack goes back to his not-writing job, where it turns out that he was working as Russian Billionaire's limo driver, and his last act as such is to drive the Russian Billionaire and the asshole twins and Nifauxle Richie and Hot Sasha and the purse dog to their plane because they're going to fly away to...?]
TWEEDLEDUMSKY: Secret ships of the government that Beelionaire Daddy pays for!
TWEEDLEDEESKY: We survive!
TWEEDLEDUMSKY: IS NOT FOR YOU!
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TWEEDLEDEESKY: YOU CAN NOT HAS!
JOHN CUSACK: ... omg.
II. The Part of the Movie I Actually Paid to See
THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED
[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]
THE EARTH
OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO
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JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR
LILLY: Not without my hats!!
GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--
JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!
GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
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JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.
[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
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JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT
[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]
GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.
LILLY: *bawl*
[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
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[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]
GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--
THE EARTH
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FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE
[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]
Somewhere Over Yellowstone National Disaster
GORDON: Cusack, where are we even GOING?
JOHN CUSACK: See, I met this crackpot conspiracy-nut DIY radio host in a camper in Yellowstone and HE says that the world's going to end because the Aztecs ran out of calendars or some shit but more importantly the GOVERNMENT knows about it and they have SPACESHIPS to escape on and I know some rich Russian asshole who can get us on one. Maybe. Probably. But I need the conspiracy nut's secret map, you see, in order to figure out where the spaceships that may or may not exist that we may or may not be able to get on are! And Fucknut's up there on... the biggest volcano in North America. YOU STAY HERE WHILE I TAKE HATGIRL TO FIND HIM.
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AMANDA PEET: WHAT THE HELL?
JOHN CUSACK: I must take a small child if I am to get out of this action scene alive!
AMANDA PEET: ...!!1!
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GORDON: Well, he is right, you know.
[So John Cusack hijacks the Camper of Crazy to hunt down Crazy Woody Harrelson, who is broadcasting from the tippy-top of the Yellowstone Caldera all "COLORS ARE PRETTY" getting ready to Tweet the apocalypse or whatever--]
JOHN CUSACK: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, WHERE'S THE SECRET MAP?!?!
CRAZY WOODY HARRELSON: I... uh... I filed it behind "Roswell"? After "Illuminati"? Beside "Birthers"? NO! I filed it under "MacGuffins"--hey, did you just see those two hobbits run by?
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JOHN CUSACK: EXCELLENT, THANKS, HAVE A NICE DEATH
[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]
JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!
[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]
GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.
LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!
AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
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GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER
[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]
JOHN CUSACK [*unfolding map*]: Drum roll, please! We are going to...
AMANDA PEET: CHINA?
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JOHN CUSACK: .. fuck.
Leaving Las Vegas
[Once they get as far as Mordor Vegas, they run into Russian Billionaire again, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that Gordon was the plastic surgeon who installed Nifauxle Richie's fake boobs, so Russian Billionaire lets them come with when it's time to escape on his Assholov 500 plane filled with hot sports cars. And then Vegas asplodes. The most important part of this scene is Hot Sasha, being hot.]
III. The Rest of the Movie, Which Bored Me Stupid
The White House Chapel
DR. EJIOFOR: Mr. President, it's time to flee!
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PRESIDENT GLOVER: I have decided, like any good captain, to go down with my ship--I, the very last President of this great nation. But let me tell you, Dr. Ejiofor, it gives me great hope that there is exactly one (1) black actor to fall in love with my daughter. Please, enjoy your tacked-on romance through our future surviving generations.
SOME AIDE: Excuse me, Mr. President, it's time to announce that everyone's going to die.
Jumbotron, Times Square
PRESIDENT GLOVER: ... and so, in conclusion, we decided not to tell you until right now that there are a bunch of Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks and you're not on them. Death is imminent for us all, but I'm sure this prayer will console y--[*FIZZLE*]
EXPLODE SHIT ALREADY, I'M DYING OVER HERE
SOME FX GUY: So which monuments do we want to destroy this time?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, the White House, obviously, because we always destroy the White House. Politically dissatisfied audiences eat that up.
SOME FX GUY: Is there any other kind?
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ROLAND EMMERICH: LOL
SOME FX GUY: So, the Eiffel Tower, then?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Didn't we already do that one?
SOME FX GUY: Possibly? We've destroyed a lot of stuff, I can't really remember.
ROLAND EMMERICH: Well, let's hedge our bets and destroy the Eiffel Tower on top of that one casino.
SOME FX GUY: How about the Sistine Chapel?
ROLAND EMMERICH: Oh, I don't think we've ever trashed anything in Italy, that's good.
SOME FX GUY: And we can totally show the ceiling splitting right between the fingertips of God and Man.
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ROLAND EMMERICH: I am totally giving you a bonus for that. A fruit basket, certainly.
Washington, D.C.
[Due to the Yellowstone ash cloud, nuclear winter has already set in over D.C. Then the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy tsunamis on over and pwns the White House (see, because President Glover is going down with the ship, and...), where the President is impaled by a falling pun.]
Some Ironically-Named Ocean Liner
GEORGE SEGAL: You know, it really is too bad that I'm so racist, I should reconcile with--
THE EARTH
CRY MOAR
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~BITCHNAMI~
The Assholov 500
[While Hot Sasha tries to get them as close to China as their current fuel supplies will allow, there are many tender, quiet moments involving people we don't actually care about, while Lilly strokes a pilot's hat and Nifauxle Richie comforts her purse dog.]
GORDON: All I've ever wanted is a family--a family to love and to love me, the way my wife and stepkids are clinging to Cusack right now.
NOAH: Dad, you should be nicer to Gordon, because he's unexpectedly awesome and you suck.
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JOHN CUSACK: Shut up and snuggle, you little bastard.
AMANDA PEET: Is it possible for a dysfunctional weaksauce writer to change? Could we love again, John Cusack? Because seriously, there's probably going to be a high male-to-female survivor ratio in the New World. I'm thinking [*waves hands*] ... man harems.
Oh, Some of the Humanity!
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, so President Glover went down with the ship, and the Vice President blew up somewhere, so I'm now--
SOME AIDE: What about the Speaker of the House? The President pro tempore of the Senate? The rest of the cabinet?
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OLIVER PLATT: SO BASICALLY I'M PRESIDENT NOW.
[The animals of the Earth that people actually like are airlifted over to the four Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks hidden in a Secret Chinese Dam, as well as Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton, two by two.]
DR. EJIOFOR: Dr. Indian Guy and Mrs. Dr. Indian Guy and The Littlest Indian Guy just got tsunami'd! You never sent anyone to pick them up! OMG HDU.
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OLIVER PLATT: Suck it, Science Boy, I left my own mother to die at Shady Pines.
DR. EJIOFOR: WAIT. How did you decide who got a seat on the Ark?
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OLIVER PLATT: Look, it's incredibly simple: we got a team of the best eugenicists to pick out the richest bunch of assholes.
DR. EJIOFOR: >:O
The Assholov 500
[The plane will run out of fuel before they reach China, because duh. For a moment I sincerely thought they were going to siphon all the gasoline out of Russian Billionaire's eleventy-umpteen sports cars to keep the plane going, because that is nowhere near the most implausible thing that would have happened in this movie. But no, John Cusack decides that they should all pile into a Bentley and drive out of the plane mid-air, because John Cusack can outdrive anything, including plane crashes, QED. And they can do this because the Earth's crust has shifted so far that they are now over China. Are you for real? FOR REAL. SERIOUSLY--]
THE EARTH
*SIZZLE*
[OW THAT USED TO BE MY HAIR]
[But Hot Sasha must continue to pilot the plane so that everyone else can escape, but he gets the plane to stop RIGHT halfway over the edge of the cliff. Whew! But it starts seesawing! Run, Hot Sasha! Run! RUN! I SAID RUN GODDAMMIT YOU ARE TOO HOT TO DIE--]
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* $100,000 FIREBALL FX *
[NOOOOOO, HOT SASHA WHYYYYYYYY.]
[And then the Chinese military shows up to take the Russian Billionaire and Family to the Secret Survivor Conspiracy Arks, which turn out to be actual ships and not spaceships because I guess the movie ran out of money to be that awesome, and he totally dicks over the Gordon-Cusacks and leaves them to die of special effects. Oh, and he also leaves Nifauxle Richie and the purse dog, because he knew she and Hot Sasha were totes doing it the whole time.]
Inside Some Secret Chinese Dam
[One of the Conspiracy Arks got bashed in by an action scene, so now they're down to three and 1/4 of the people who were supposed to survive are panicking and rioting and trampling each other to death at the docks. OH LOOK THERE IS THE RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE AND HIS KIDS. Irony: it's a bitch.]
The Big Emotional Grandstanding Speech
DR. EJIOFOR: We must let these people onto the other three Arks! If we let them die, then there is no point to saving any of humanity at all. If you do not save these greedy billionaires, it will all have been FOR NOTHING.
ALL THE OTHER WORLD LEADERS: *tears of togetherness*
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OLIVER PLATT: FINE. But we are SO LEAVING the Chinese workers behind, don't even ask.
Some Chinese Family, Because Someone Not American Has to Live
YOUNG BUDDHIST: Grandma! Grandpa! Brother Who Worked on the Secret Chinese Dam! We must save these stranded white people because my mentor The Great Rinpoche told me that the cup is empty.
CHINESE BROTHER: What does that even mean?
YOUNG BUDDHIST: Look, I don't know. That's why he's The Great Rinpoche. Well, I mean, now he's The Dead Tsunami'd Rinpoche, but the point stands.
CHINESE BROTHER: You know, I'm going to have a hard enough time smuggling my own family into the Conspiracy Ark. I don't even know how you expect me to sneak--one... two... six people and a purse dog in there too.
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YOUNG BUDDHIST: But look! That one is the hero! We can't fail if we've got a MOVIE STAR with us!
CHINESE BROTHER: EVERYBODY IN THE TRUCK!
Secret Survivor Conspiracy Ark #3
[While everyone's trying to crowd onto the American Ark, Chinese Brother drills into an access panel and shovels the gang inside. Unfortunately, while the drawbridge whatever gate is trying to open or close or look, whatever, my eyes were about to fall out of my head at this point and we still had an hour to go, Russian Billionaire gives the Tweedledumskys a boost to safety but falls to his own death and more people get crushed and trampled and the whole thing isn't working so well, and then--wait, that's right, the gate must have been opening because now it's trying to close and Our Heroes are about to get crushed to death and Chinese Brother gets his foot geared off so John Cusack throws the drill between the giant wheels and GORDON IS HORRIBLY CRUSHED TO DEATH ANYWAY? WHAT? WHAT?]
THE EARTH
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SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST
[Dr. Ejiofor and Thandie Newton run down to the engine room to see why the drawbridge whatever gate is blocked and the ship is taking on water and the engines won't start and all the passengers who didn't get trampled are drowning. Look! Down there in various flooding compartments!]
DR. EJIOFOR: Hey! I KNOW THAT GUY! I'm his only fan! WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WEAKSAUCE WRITER! He is the most important, least expendable character in the entire movie!
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[Maybe I like this movie more than I thought.]
JOHN CUSACK: This is all my fault--
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ALL THE DROWNING PASSENGERS: YEAH IT IS
JOHN CUSACK: --so I should be the one to swim down and pull the drill out.
AMANDA PEET: Nooooo, you must not go! It is a suicide mission! MY HAREM'S ALREADY DOWN BY TWO!
JOHN CUSACK: Hot makeout to remember me by?
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AMANDA PEET: Oh, it is THE LEAST you can do.
Oh, We Haven't Stolen Anything From Titanic Yet, Why Not
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.
[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]
LILLY: HELP HELP I DON'T LIKE DROWNING IN HERE BY MYSELF WITH THE PURSE DOG
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NIFAUXLE RICHIE: Noooooo! I am not American! I AM NOW WITHOUT CHILD OR ANIMAL! Obviously now I *glug glug glug*
NOAH: I have to go after Dad and help him, since I'm totally over that whole Gordon thing too!
AMANDA PEET: NO YOU WILL DIE AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT A HOT MAKEOUT TO REMEMBER YOU BY
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NOAH: But my name is NOAH and we are on an ARK.
AMANDA PEET: ... Godspeed, my son.
Several Reels from The Poseidon Adventure Later...
[Father and son pull out the drill and John Cusack quietly kicks Gordon's mangled body out of the way and the drawbridge gate draws bridge! We are all saved, unless we already drowned! We should have totally run out of air by now, and Chinese Brother definitely should have bled to death, but we needed to save someone who's not American so that's cool. Noah resurfaces in the Cusacks' compartment but... John Cusack does not.]
AMANDA PEET: ...
LILLY: ...
CHINESE FAMILY: ...
PURSE DOG: ...
AMANDA PEET: Oh my God, my harem.
DR. EJIOFOR: Please. If he were really dead, we wouldn't have sat here waiting this long.
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JOHN CUSACK: *TRIUMPHANT SOGGY EMERGENCE!*
DR. EJIOFOR: We have averted the extinction of humanity!
THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOO!
DR. EJIOFOR: AND WE SAVED THE WRITER!
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THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T DROWN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Cape of Good Hope, Because "Hope," You See, And...
[Forty days and a dove later, all the people who weren't trampled or drowned or crushed or left behind gather on the decks of the Arks. Lilly pets her new military hat and she doesn't need her Pull-Ups anymore, mostly because THERE AREN'T ANY NOW, and everyone loves John Cusack again. Presumably he will be a successful writer now, because everyone is really, really bored.]
DR. EJIOFOR: Look! Africa is the only continent to emerge unscathed! It wasn't even flooded! Now we can start all over again with John Cusack's Atlantis book to guide us, right where humanity began.
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OLIVER PLATT: PRESIDENCY DIBS!
DR. EJIOFOR: Hey, Thandie! Hot makeouts now? I mean, we are the only two black people left.
THANDIE NEWTON: Well, it's about predictable damn time!
Africa, The Cradle of Humanity
THE EARTH
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HEY GUYS
A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE ARE ON THE WAY
THEY WANT TO COLONIZE
ACTUAL AFRICANS: AW HALE NO!
Fin.
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