The Shadow Duke, part 2

[lytrigian]

The middle third. This time I think I found a place to stop with suitable tension.

Edit: This is the revised version. The changes are relatively minor and no doubt have not addressed all the issues people raised, but it's a bit closer to how I had wanted it to begin with.

A dream troubled my sleep, all of fire, smoke, and monotonous chanting in

Comments

[qui_te]

Yeah, that IS a bit of a cliffy. Thanks.

You know, for the record, I'd be more than happy to read 10k words in one sitting.

regardless, good chapter, looking forward to the rest,
Qui

[lytrigian]

It's not too lengthy for someone used to reading, no, but this is the Intarwebs. And I can't post a 10,000 word story on LJ all in one go anyhow. Even 5,000 words is too much.

[qui_te]

Oh sure, excuses, excuses.

No, really, I'm just messin' with you. Don't worry about it. I'm like one of those whiny kids when it comes to stories I'm reading.

[lytrigian]

I'm posting the last part late tonight (PDT) so you don't have too long to wait.

Srsly, I think you have to use the HTML editor to post something longer than 4000 words or so. The rich text editor generates some rather elaborate HTML if you cut and paste from a word processor. I like the fact that it preserves all my formatting, but the HTML counts against the size limit. I once edited a post near the limit to *remove* text, and it bounced when I tried to save it. I had to go to the HTML editor and cut out all the redundant tags. (It sets the font with every paragraph, for instance, where you only need to do it once for the whole document.)

[tmelange]

LOL, the demon was funny. I laughed that he was all, "This form is insufficient and YOU will suffer if I suffer any indignities!" *g* That was hysterical.

I still think Tam's POV is entirely too bland. His lover is fighting for his life and the narrative reflects no inner turmoil, no panic, no indecision. He's way too detached. The narrative is more appropriate to the pov of someone speaking about events after the fact, not contemporaneous to dire circumstances. There is simply no urgency being conveyed.

Anyway, the story is interesting, despite the pov.

[lytrigian]

I may have a bit of a conundrum, narrating from a POV who by design isn't particularly introspective. There's also a verisimilitude issue: Having been in these situations myself (not a demon! I mean emergencies requiring immediate action) there often isn't any emotion to report. You're so totally focused on what needs doing that there's literally no time for emotions to register.

However, on re-reading I see there are a couple of places where Tam is powerless to act, and he therefore really should have been suffering some emotional reaction. As before, I tried to represent it in what he does more than reporting his state of mind directly. I see that doesn't always work. I know that he'd only bring up his white fire when absolutely desperate, but you only find that out after the fact. It doesn't tell the reader anything at that point. I think another basic flaw here is that in action scenes I sometimes focus narrowly on the action and don't pay sufficient attention to the characters' internals even to the extent they're realistically

[tmelange]

You know, who am I to tell you how to write your story? LOL But I have an opinion, and you might find it useful--or not. LOL So I'm going to give it to you. Obviously, ignore it at your discretion

[lytrigian]

Hey, I'm always happy to argue! It's either a personal failing or an interesting intellectual exercise, depending on how much it annoys the other person