Crawl Space (2/3)
Sam doesn't use the bucket. He’d learned early on that there was a kind of pleasure in holding it anyway, a pressing need that brought itself into sharp focus and sent everything else to the background, blurring his worries into distorted shapes that he couldn't distinguish from each other.
Dean comes in without a word, a plate of food in his hand and a bottle of water tucked under the arm that’s holding the gun.
‘I need the bathroom.’
Dean looks at him in surprise. ‘You didn't use the bucket.’
‘I said I wasn't going to use the fucking bucket.’
‘In case you haven't noticed, you aren't the one giving orders here.’
‘You think I’m some kind of demon because I said something unkind to you? We do that all the time, Dean. I can’t-you can’t keep me locked up in here. Please. I haven't done anything wrong.’ Except kiss you and make you think I’m a monster, because only monsters hit on their brothers.
‘Sam would never do the stuff you've done.’
‘Maybe you just don't know me as well as you think.’
Dean just gestures with the shotgun. ‘Get back.’
‘No, Dean. You aren't listening.’ He takes a step toward Dean, who cocks the gun in warning. ‘Really? You're going to shoot me in the chest? Even blank bullets hurt. You really going to take that sort of a chance with me? And don't you dare fucking say I’m not your brother.’
‘Look, if you're Sam, you aren't making this easy for me, all right? You think I like locking you up and threatening you?’
‘Then don't do it, you asshole!’
‘What would you do? Huh? What would you do if Dad told you I was probably possessed by a demon? Would you let me walk around loose?’
‘I’d trust you.’
‘No, Sam, you wouldn’t. You wouldn't let me free if you thought I could be a danger to myself and others.’
Sam tries a different tactic. ‘When’s Dad getting back?’
Dean narrows his eyes. ‘Why are you asking?’
‘Because I’d rather be killed than be locked up for one more freaking second.’
‘No one’s killing you, Sam. Come on.’
‘You said it yourself.’
‘I said no such thing.’ Dean tosses him the handcuffs again. ‘Put them on if you want to be taken upstairs.’
Sam watches very carefully to see if Dean will reveal where the keys are. He doesn’t. It doesn't matter, because there are other ways to get out of cuffs, and Dean’s taught them to Sam himself. All he needs is to grab a paperclip from Bobby’s desk.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Dean says they make their way up the stairs.
‘You a mind reader now?’
Dean lets out an almost-laugh. ‘No, but I know you, little brother. Don't you try to get away from me.’
‘Why? So you can lock me up and starve me again?’
They enter the kitchen and Dean guides him to a chair, rolling his eyes. ‘Don't be so melodramatic. I didn't starve you.’
‘I haven't eaten since that sandwich yesterday. And I really need to pee.’
Dean tilts his head toward the bathroom. ‘Knock yourself out.’
Since the bathroom is clearly in Dean’s line of vision, there’s nothing Sam can do but finish his business and go back to the kitchen. Dean hasn't cooked, but he’s brought out some frozen stuff Bobby left in the fridge and heated it in the oven, so there’s actual food instead of a hastily thrown together sandwich this time. There’s also a glass of ice-cold orange juice, and Sam slurps it down thirstily.
Guilt written all over his face, Dean pours him some more.
‘I need you to listen to me,’ Sam says through a mouthful of chicken.
‘Don’t start.’
‘No, you listen, Dean. I know something’s wrong with me, all right? But it’s not what you think. At least I think it isn’t.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I’ve been having these dreams. But they’re more like visions. I think they're real.’
‘Visions? Of what?’
‘I’m trapped somewhere dark and cramped. And there’s a girl who’s a prisoner there. I think she’s real. I think she’s trapped somewhere and I need to help her.’
‘Who’s this girl?’
‘I only know her first name. Lily. Oh, and she’s gay.’
Dean raises his eyebrows. ‘How would you know that?’
‘Because she told me. She said her girlfriend’s probably looking for her.’
‘How do you know it’s real? That she’s real?’
‘I don’t know. I just know. It feels really different from a regular dream.’
‘If you have no clue where she is, then you can’t get her out even if she is real.’
‘I know that. Maybe I can try to figure it out when I have the dream again. Vision. Whatever. The problem is that I don't remember stuff properly when I’m there. I wasn't even sure of my own name the first time. She thought my name was Dean.’
‘Why would she think that?’
‘I don't remember. But I think I was calling your name. Maybe I was calling out for help. And she thought I was telling her my name.’
Dean doesn't comment on that. ‘You said ‘the first time.’ How many times have you had the dream?’
‘It’s not the same dream. She-Lily said I keep returning there, but time passes differently for her. I went there twice yesterday but the second time she said she hadn't seen me since the previous day. And there was something coming for us. It felt like some sort of monster.’
‘A monster? What kind of monster?’
‘I don't know. It was all dark but I could sense it. It felt… really creepy. Like it was going to suck my soul out or something.’
‘What happened?’
‘I woke up.’ Sam swallows and looks away, ashamed. ‘I didn't sleep all night. I didn't want to go back there and get caught.’
‘You think something’ll happen to you for real if this thing gets you in your dream?’
‘I don’t know, okay? I don't know anything right know. All I know is my brother thinks I’m a monster and I’m having weird dreams.’
‘I don’t think you're a-’
‘Save it for Dad,’ Sam says shortly. ‘You wouldn't have treated me the way you have if you didn't think I was some kind of demon.’
‘Sam, you have to understand. I don't want to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I’m doing this to protect you.’
‘Protect me from what? We don't even know what we’re dealing with here!’
‘That’s the problem, isn't it? Don't you see? If we knew what we were dealing with we could've fixed it by now.’
‘And what if there’s no fixing me, huh? What if Dad says I’m some kind of demon? How will you fix me then? How will you ‘protect’ me? By putting a bullet through my head for my own good? That’s what Dad told you, isn't it? That I’d have to be killed if I couldn't be saved?’
‘It’s not like that. You know Dad would never hurt you, any more than I would.’
‘But what if I’m not me, Dean? I mean, these dreams have to mean something, right? What if they mean that I’m not human? That I never was? Are you going to live with an abomination and call it your brother?’
‘Stop talking like that.’ Dean slams his hand down on the table. ‘Whatever happens, we will figure out a way.’
‘Talk to Dad. Go talk to him now. Tell him about my dreams and see what he has to say.’
‘All right, I will.’ Dean uncuffs one of Sam’s hands and locks the cuff around one of the table legs instead. ‘Stay here,’ he says unnecessarily.
Sam’s almost livid now. He also has a way of escape, because he can easily slide the cuff down the leg of the table and get it out. He does so as quietly as possible, going up to the door and listening to Dean’s side of the conversation.
Dean’s quiet except for the occasional sound he makes to show Dad that he’s listening.
‘But-’ Whatever Dean’s going to say is obviously cut short by their father.
‘Dad, no.’ Dean sounds resolute. ‘I’m not locking him up again. It’s killing him.’ He listens for a minute. ‘But-’
A moment later, Dean hangs up the phone with a curse. Sam’s about to back away from the door when he hears Dean making another call, this time to Bobby.
This time he can’t make out the conversation because Dean’s talking very softly, almost as though he’s aware that Sam’s listening.
‘You can come out now,’ Dean says, raising his voice when he hangs up.
Sam pushes open the door, the cuffs still dangling from one of his wrists. ‘What did Bobby say?’ he asks, not seeing any point in pretending he hasn't been listening.
‘Don’t you want to know what Dad said?’
‘I can imagine,’ Sam says bitterly.
‘Give him some credit, Sam. He is your father, you know. He doesn't want to hurt you.’
‘But he said you have to keep me locked up, right?’
‘He said being locked up wouldn't hurt you. And he’s right.’
‘No, he isn’t. I told you about my dreams. What if that thing gets me and Lily?’
‘He doesn't think the dreams are real.’
‘Of course he doesn’t. When has he ever taken me seriously?’
‘Let’s not get into that now, okay?’ Dean says, his voice surprisingly gentle. ‘You trust me, right?’
Sam hesitates. ‘I trust you to do what Dad says. You’ve always been the good little soldier.’
‘You mean I’ve always been the grunt who takes orders. And you've always been the smart one who knows better than anyone else.’
‘I know better what’s right for me.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘To get out of here. Out of this life. Away from Dad’s orders and his mission.’
‘You don't mean that.’
‘I do. Look in my bag if you don't believe me. See the college brochures I’ve been collecting all year. I even have a letter of reference from my last English teacher.’
Dean looks like Sam’s just slapped him. ‘You’re leaving?’
‘Did you seriously expect me to stay, Dean? With the way things have been between me and Dad? You think I want to live my life this way?’
‘I thought we mattered to you. We’re family, Sam, and-’
‘That doesn't explain everything. It’s not an excuse to pull your kids out of school and drag them all over the country chasing something you don't even know exists.’
‘Something killed Mom, and that something is still out there.’
‘Well, killing it won’t bring her back. How do you think she’d feel if she knew how Dad was treating us, Dean? Do you think she’d want this life for us?’
‘I don't know what she’d want, because she’s not here. But Dad is. He’s all we have, Sam.’
‘No, he’s all you have. Because he matters more to you than anything. Because you'll drop everything and follow his orders just to be a good son.’
‘That’s not true.’ Dean takes a deep breath, his hands clenched. ‘There’s nothing I would put in front of you, Sam. Ever.’
‘You have a funny way of showing it.’
‘Let me finish, and I’ll show you how serious I am about helping you. It’s why I spoke to Bobby.’
Sam remains mutinously silent, glaring at Dean.
‘I can’t let you free, Sam. I’m with Dad on that. But I remember Bobby saying something about dream-walking. You remember that?’
‘No. When was that?’
‘A few years ago. Maybe you were too little then. Anyway. I remember he told us about a case in which he actually had to get into someone’s head to help them out. I asked him about it. He used a root, an African one-I can’t remember the name.’
‘How’s that going to help? I’m already having the dreams.’
‘Yeah. But next time you dream of that monster, I’m going to be right there with you.’
-
‘You really think this is a good idea?’ Sam asks, fidgeting with his restraints.
Dean shrugs. ‘I don't know about good or bad, Sam. This is the best I’ve got. I’m not going to let you face that thing alone.’
‘So what're you going to do? Wait for me to fall asleep and then drink that stuff?’
‘Yeah, that’s about right.’
Sam’s silent for a while. ‘Do I have to be tied down again? What if it affects my dream in some way?’
‘It didn't make any difference last time, right? So it shouldn't this time either.’
‘And you believe me when I say I’m Sam? And not some sort of monster?’
‘We’ll deal with this stuff one thing at a time, okay? I can’t think about that demon blood stuff right now, Sammy. I don't know what to do about it. You're just going to have to believe me when I say that all I want is to keep you safe.’
‘I believe you about that, Dean. I just don't believe that what you may do to keep me safe is the best for me. And if you keep me locked up here without giving me a choice, then-’
‘Hey.’ Dean cuts him off, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘I won’t let anything happen to you. I won’t let anyone take away your choices. You have to believe me.’
‘You’re taking away my choices right now,’ Sam points out, yanking on the straps to prove his point.
‘Okay, look at it this way. If you have the demon blood in you and some demon decides to take control of your body, do you really want him to walk out of here wearing you like a suit? What would happen to your choices then? And he’d probably kill me first for good measure. Can you imagine that? A demon using your hands, your body, to rip my guts out?’
‘Okay, okay, jeez. Enough already.’ Sam turns his head so his gaze is on the ceiling. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘You should sleep.’
‘Just one question.’
Dean sighs. ‘Fine.’
‘Why did you think I wasn't me? That I was-possessed or something? Was it just because, you know?’
‘Because you kissed me?’ Dean says bluntly, and Sam winces at his tone.
‘Yeah, that.’ Sam swallows. ‘I know you think it was disgusting, but…’
‘It wasn't like that.’
‘Then why? You-you hit me so hard. I never thought I-that you'd do that. Not to me. Ever.’
‘I’m sorry, Sam. I made sure you fell on the couch though, right?’
Despite himself, Sam lets out a laugh. ‘Yeah, you did. You just. I don’t know. Caught me by surprise.’
‘I’ll make it up to you,’ Dean promises. ‘Now go to sleep.’
‘Don’t know if I can. I’m too wired.’
‘You want me to give you something to help you sleep?’
It’s tempting, but Sam shakes his head. ‘What if it affects the dream somehow? What if that thing gets me and I can’t wake up?’
‘Nothing’s going to get you. I promise.’
‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’
‘Just watch me.’
-
‘Where have you been?’ Lily asks.
‘Getting help.’ Sam crawls over to her and sees that she’s cradling one of her arms with the other. ‘Are you hurt?’
‘Son of a bitch kicked me,’ she says, straightening a little from her protective hunch, and Sam sees a dark bruise on her forearm that looks a lot like a boot-print.
‘He wears boots?’ Sam asks in surprise.
‘I guess? Why is that surprising?’
‘I just. I don't know, I thought he was something else.’
‘Like a demon?’
‘What,’ says a voice from the darkness beyond them. ‘do you know about demons?’
Lily lets out a little gasp of surprise.
‘Dean! You made it!’ Sam wants to crawl over to his brother and throw his arms around him, and has to force himself to hold back.
‘Looks like it,’ Dean says. ‘You must be Lily. I’m Dean.’
‘How did you get here?’
‘Same way he did,’ Dean says, inclining his head toward Sam. ‘Well, kind of, anyway.’ He grins. ‘Let’s just say I’m the man of his dreams.’
‘Very clever,’ Sam huffs, but he can’t keep from smiling. With Dean here next to him, the darkness feels a lot less ominous.
‘Are you hurt?’ Dean asks Lily.
‘Yeah, that jerk kicked me when I tried to run.’
‘Run?’ Sam asks. ‘Run where? Did you find a way out?’
‘There’s a door at the end of the passage,’ Lily explains. ‘It’s always so dark, I couldn't see it before. Then he came to give me food and I tried to make a break for it.’
‘That was the first time he came to feed you? How long have you been here?’ Dean asks.
‘At least three days,’ Lily says. ‘I’ve kinda lost track but it can’t be much more than that.’
‘And that asshole hasn't given you any food or water for that long?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Dean, look at the bruise on her arm,’ Sam says.
‘It looks like…’ Dean leans in for a closer look. ‘Holy shit. It’s human?’
‘Looks like it.’ Sam swallows. It’s one thing to hunt monsters who couldn't care less about human lives, but another entirely to face a human who acts like a monster.
‘Could he be possessed?’
‘He’s not possessed,’ Lily says, surprising them both. ‘Yeah, I know about demons, as I said before. But I don’t think this guy is possessed.’
‘How can you be sure?’ Sam asks. ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yeah. I think so. I think it’s my uncle.’
‘Your uncle’s done this to you? But why?’
‘I think… This is gonna sound weird, but I think he thinks I’m possessed.’
Something clicks into place inside Sam’s head. ‘I think I get it. My dad had me locked up because he thinks a demon’s gotten inside me.’
‘Sam,’ Dean begins. ‘It’s not the same-’
‘Yes, it is.’ Sam cuts him off. ‘It’s exactly what Lily’s describing. Isn’t it?’ He turns to her.
‘I don't know about you, but I’ve been having weird dreams and things. My uncle. He-he’s a churchgoer. He was already very angry when I came out to him. My girlfriend was with me. For, you know, moral support or whatever. I thought he was going to hit her. He asked her to leave. I think he must’ve put something in my food to knock me out. When I came to, I was in here.’
Filled with horror at the thought of what Lily’s uncle must have done, Sam refuses to think about Dad’s reaction to his own visions. What would Dad do if he found out? Would he lock Sam up for good, like Lily’s uncle had done to her? What if he found out that Sam had kissed Dean? Would he, like Dean, think that Sam was possessed by a demon?
‘Do you recognize this place?’ he asks Lily. ‘Is this part of the house you live in?’
‘I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. I don’t live with my uncle. My girlfriend and I live together in an apartment on campus. She goes to college here.’
‘This is obviously part of a basement,’ Dean says, feeling the walls. ‘A crawl space. Do you know if your uncle’s house has a basement?’
‘Probably. Can we find a way out?’
‘Even if we could,’ Dean says, ‘you wouldn't really be getting out.’
‘Why not?’
Sam watches Dean’s face, trying to understand what he means. Dean waits quite patiently for the other two to figure it out.
‘Because…’ Sam says.
‘I’m dreaming,’ Lily finishes.
‘Yeah.’ Dean nods. ‘I don’t see how else you and Sam could both be here.’
‘But I’m here even when I’m awake.’ She turns to Sam. ‘Where are you?’
‘Right now,’ Sam says, ‘I’m a prisoner too. In the basement of a guy who’s very much like an uncle.’
‘Sam, it’s not the same,’ Dean says, but guilt is etched into his face.
Sam ignores him. ‘I’m tied down to a bed,’ he continues. ‘I’m handcuffed and let out to use the bathroom and eat, but when I’m done I’m taken right back.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Lily says softly, putting her hand on his arm. She lets out a sudden, humorless laugh. ‘As you can see, I kinda know how you feel.’ She looks at Dean. ‘How did you get here? Are you dreaming, too? Has someone locked you up too?’
‘I’m dreaming too. In a way,’ Dean says. He looks so anguished that Sam feels a little bad for him, but his anger at the situation hasn't dissipated yet.
‘So what do I do? Can you get word to someone when you wake up?’ Lily asks Sam.
‘I’ll do better than that. I’ll get you out myself,’ Sam promises. He doesn't look at Dean.
‘I don’t know how you can do that when you're a prisoner too,’ Lily says with a small smile. ‘But if you can get word to my girlfriend, she can call the cops. Her name’s Charlie. Charlie Bradbury. We live at Stanford University. Crothers Hall.’
-
‘Dean?’ Sam’s still groggy when he wakes up.
Dean’s not moving. He’s slumped in his chair next to Sam’s bed.
‘Dean!’ Sam’s scrabbling fingers can just about reach Dean’s leg. His fingertips brush against the denim of Dean’s jeans. ‘Dean, wake up!’
Sam’s almost frantic when Dean lets out a small sound. ‘Sam?’ He opens his eyes, but doesn't lift his head up. ‘You… you okay?’
‘I’m fine, Dean, but you don't look so good.’ Sam pulls hard at his restraints, but they hold fast. ‘Dean!’
‘’M awake,’ Dean mutters. He tries to get up, but falls back limply into his chair.
‘Dean, listen. Listen to me. You have to untie me. I don’t know what was in that stuff you drank, but I think you need a doctor.’
‘I’m fine,’ Dean says, but he almost falls over when he tries to get to his feet. His hand brushes against Sam’s a couple of times as he struggles to reach the strap binding Sam’s wrist to the bed frame. His skin is cold and clammy. Sam watches helplessly as he struggles for a minute before finally loosening the strap.
Sam’s out of his restraints in record time, swinging his legs off the bed and kneeling in front of Dean. ‘Dean. Hey.’ He takes Dean’s face in his hands. ‘Come on. I’m taking you to the-’
‘Bobby-said this might happen,’ Dean says, his eyes struggling to flutter open. ‘Just-just need to sleep it off, he said.’
Sam puts his hands under Dean’s armpits and moves him over to the bed, helping him to sit on the edge.
‘Dean. Hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you.’ Sam rubs Dean’s back, trying to help. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? Should-should I call Dad or Bobby?’
‘Nah.’ Dean looks up at him, as though he’s had a sudden thought. ‘Why are you still here?’
Sam stares at him. ‘What?’
Dean waves toward the door. ‘You could’ve run. You still can. I don’t think my legs are working yet. I won’t try to stop you. I’ll tell Dad I let you go.’
‘You’re an idiot.’ Sam gets to his feet and puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘Can you walk?’
‘Yeah.’ Dean gets to his feet and sways a little.
Sam gets under one of his arms, pulling it across his shoulders, and puts his own arm around Dean’s waist. ‘Come on.’
Sam gets him settled on the couch and covers him with a blanket. Dean sleeps for three hours, but Sam doesn't worry because his breathing is steady and effortless, his skin far less clammy to the touch now.
-
Dean sits up and groans, dropping his head in his hands. ‘I have a mother of a headache.’ He glances up at Sam. ‘You still here?’
‘Stop asking me that.’ Sam gets him a glass of water and a couple of paracetamol.
‘If I were you,’ Dean says when he’s swallowed the pills, ‘I’d be a couple towns away by now.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. You'd be right with me. And I’m not leaving you like this, so quit asking.’
‘Sam-’
‘I called Lily’s girlfriend. Charlie. Found her in the phone book. She’s real, Dean. Which means it’s all true. Lily’s really trapped somewhere. Charlie didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail.’
Dean looks at him. ‘You want to go help rescue Lily, don't you.’ It’s not a question.
‘Yeah. She’s just like me, Dean. And she needs help.’
‘She’s not like you.’
‘She’s locked up just like I… like I was.’
‘She’s a prisoner in the dark, Sam. I never left you.’
‘Yeah, you did. When I… said those things.’
‘I was never very far away. And I didn't mean to leave you all night. I fell asleep on the couch. I was meaning to get you out before dinner.’
‘That’s not my point.’ Sam tries to find the words to explain what he means. ‘Dad freaked out and told you to lock me up, and you did. Even though… I don’t know, Dean. You… you’ve always looked out for me, but you stopped the moment you thought something was wrong with me. What happens to Lily, whose uncle was never looking out for her in the first place? How bad do you think he’s going to treat her?’
‘I didn't stop looking out for you.’ Dean looks up at him. Sam’s standing at the door, his arms crossed, leaning against the jamb. ‘Sam, you have to believe me. I would never hurt you.’
‘We’ve been through this before. I said I believe you. I just don't believe that you’ll see me the same way you always did if you get proof that I have demon blood in me. I think you'll do what Dad says and keep me locked up if you think I could be a danger to myself. And I won’t allow that, Dean. I can’t live like that. Two days of it was bad enough.’
‘You said… something about college applications.’
‘Yeah,’ Sam says, his voice soft. ‘I’m leaving, Dean. That was always the plan.’
‘Funny. I thought the plan was to save people and hunt things.’
‘The family business isn't for me, Dean. I’ve known that for years, and I thought you did too.’
‘I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. But I guess deep down I always kinda knew you'd leave someday. I just. I didn't want to think about it.’
Sam sits down next to him, rubbing his forehead. ‘You don't have to think about it right now. We’ve got work to do.’
‘How are you feeling?’ Dean asks suddenly.
‘You mean do I think I’m going to turn into a demon anytime soon?’
‘It’s not a joke, Sam. It’s real.’
‘Forgive me if I can’t take it too seriously. I don't feel any different, Dean. I’m still me.’
‘What about your dreams? Visions. Whatever. You never had them before.’
‘Does having them make me a bad person? Does it make me a monster?’
‘’Course it doesn’t.’ Dean sounds weary. ‘But you have to admit it’s not exactly normal.’
‘And when have our lives been normal, exactly?’
‘You know what I mean, Sam.’
‘I don't know, Dean. I don't know what normal is. Maybe this is my normal, you know? Maybe it’s what I am. Whatever it is that’s in me, it’s a part of me. It’s not some monster that has to be killed. If you kill the monster, you'll kill me.’
‘No one is going to hurt you.’
‘You keep saying that, but I don't believe it.’
‘You don't trust me.’
‘Maybe I don’t. Maybe I don't trust you to accept me for what I am. Whatever I turn out to be.’
‘Maybe you're right,’ Dean says, surprising Sam. ‘I’m the grunt, right? I’ll just take orders, even if those orders are to kill you.’
‘I never said that. Stop putting words in my mouth.’
Dean doesn't respond. After a minute of silence Sam says, ‘You need to sleep some more?’
‘Yeah, I guess. Let’s eat first.’
Sam digs into the freezer and pulls out a pan of frozen lasagna. He’s itching to go and find Lily, but he knows that Dean isn't in any state to drive for hours. Even if Sam drives, he should let Dean rest for the night. It crosses his mind that he can make a run for it the moment Dean falls asleep, but he knows he won’t be able to leave Dean behind.
‘Give me a couple hours,’ Dean says, pushing his plate away and standing up. He doesn't sway this time. ‘We’ll leave as soon as it’s light, okay? Just gimme a bit of time.’
‘Yeah,’ Sam says. He watches Dean stumble up the stairs, already half-asleep, and feels a rush of affection for him. This is Dean’s way of showing him that he trusts Sam not to run away in the middle of the night, and Sam can’t bring himself to break that trust.
He makes himself a strong, giant mug of coffee, sits on the couch, and waits for dawn.
-
‘You get any sleep at all?’ Dean yawns, pushing his hands back through his hair.
‘I’m good,’ Sam says in lieu of answering the question. ‘You sure you want to do this with me?’
‘Would you rather I stay behind?’ Dean takes a large gulp of coffee.
‘No, but what will Dad say when he comes back and finds us both gone?’
‘We’ll worry about that when it happens.’ Dean finishes his coffee and rinses his mug in the sink. ‘You ready to go?’
‘Yeah.’
Five minutes later they’re on the road. Despite the cold morning breeze, Sam keeps his window rolled down and lets the wind ruffle his hair. It’s exhilarating to be out of the panic room and back on the road with Dean. He realizes with a jolt that Dean’s twenty-first birthday is just a couple of days away. There was so much he’d planned to do, to make sure Dean had a good birthday, and now he may never get to do any of it.
He glances quickly at Dean’s profile. Dean’s hands are strong on the wheel, and Sam knows without having to look that his fingertips are lightly callused from all the years of handling weapons.
‘Something on my face?’ Dean asks, obviously feeling Sam’s gaze on him.
‘Uh, no. I was just-sorry.’
Dean gives him a strange look, but he doesn't comment further.
Sam curls up against his window. The wind is definitely cold on his skin now and getting colder by the second, but he needs it to stay awake. It would never do to fall asleep now. At the same time, another part of him wants desperately to check on Lily, to see if she’s all right. He thinks of being in the cramped, claustrophobic space and decides that Dean was right. Lily’s situation is not the same as Sam’s. In fact, no one’s situation would be the same as Sam’s unless they had a Dean, and Sam’s the only one who has a Dean.
‘Thank you,’ he murmurs. The words are whipped away by the wind, but he knows Dean’s heard them.
Dean is silent for so long that Sam wonders if maybe he didn't hear him after all. But then Dean clears his throat, as though searching for words. ‘What for?’
‘You know. For not treating me the way Lily’s uncle is treating her.’
Dean’s looking straight out through the windshield at the road, his hands clenched on the steering wheel. ‘I hit you and locked you up and starved you.’ He lets out a hollow laugh. ‘Don’t thank me for that, Sam.’
‘You didn't starve me. And you thought I was… that I wasn't me. You were only trying to do what was best for me.’
‘So now you think I was right.’
Sam pulls away a little from the window. ‘I don't know what to think, Dean. If Dad’s right about me, then-then I don’t know what I should do. Maybe you were right. I should just be locked up so I can’t hurt anyone.’
‘We don't know that you're going to hurt anyone. We don't even know for sure what Dad thinks.’ Dean glances at Sam. ‘Let’s not jump the gun, okay?’
Sam nods, pulling his collar up.
‘And put the window up. You must be freezing.’
‘I don’t want to fall asleep.’
‘I won’t let you fall asleep. Put up the window and talk to me.’
Sam dutifully rolls up the window, and immediately feels much warmer. ‘Talk to you about what?’
‘I don’t know. Anything. That play you were reading. By Shakespeare?’
‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream.’
‘Yeah. It’s the one with the love potion and everyone falling in love with the first person they see, right?’
Sam smiles. ‘Right.’
‘And there’s a guy called Asshat or something?’
Sam grins. ‘Bottom. And you knew that.’
‘Whatever, man. Bottom, Asshat, it’s all the same.’
‘Bottom is part of a group of performers. They do this… play within the play.’
‘Yeah?’ Dean sounds interested. He offers Sam a stick of gum, and Sam takes it. Anything to stay awake.
‘My teacher said these really interesting things about the play. See, these characters, they’re from Athens. She said Athens represents city life, the rules and regulations of society. And then they go into the forest and these fairies mess with their heads, and they end up falling for the first people they see.’
‘Because of the love potion,’ Dean says smugly.
‘You know your Shakespeare,’ Sam says with a smile. ‘Yeah, because of the potion. Here’s the interesting thing. She said the forest represents a space in which those regulations don't hold. It’s like they're outside the ‘normal’ zone, and they don't have the same inhibitions anymore that they do when they live by society’s rules.’
Sam’s been thinking a lot about that. He knows Dean’s smart, much smarter than he gives himself credit for, and he wonders if Dean will get what he’s trying to say.
‘So, let me see if I have this right.’ Dean chews on his gum for a minute. ‘The city-Athens, whatever-is like ‘normal’ life. And the forest is like… anything that’s not ‘normal’ by the usual standards.’
‘Yeah.’ He waits for Dean to go on.
‘So we’-Dean gestures between Sam and himself-‘live in the forest. Pretty much all the time.’
Sam closes his eyes briefly, relief rushing through him. ‘Exactly.’
‘So we don't have the same inhibitions others do,’ Dean continues thoughtfully. ‘Or we shouldn’t.’
‘I don't know about should and shouldn't, but yeah. That’s what I thought.’
‘And that’s why you kissed me. Not because of the demon thing.’
Sam squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face toward his window. It still hurts too much to think of the way Dean had lashed out at him.
‘Hey,’ Dean says, putting his hand on Sam’s knee. ‘I’m sorry, Sammy. I just need to know that it was all you, you know?’
‘I think so,’ Sam whispers.
‘What d’you mean, you think so?’
‘What if… what if it wasn't me at all? What if it was something inside me that made me act like that?’
‘You really believe that?’
‘I don’t know what to believe, Dean.’ He scrubs his fists against his sleepy eyes. ‘If it’s-if I’m tainted, somehow, I don’t want to drag you into that. It’s better if-if I’m locked up, or if I go away.’
‘What does your gut tell you, Sammy?’
‘I… when I kissed you, I didn't know about that demon blood stuff. I-I was just doing what I-what I really wanted to do. I-I don’t know about right or wrong, Dean.’ He’s silent for a minute, and then he asks a question that’s been clamoring to get out of his mind for a while now. ‘What did you think, Dean? When you… when you reacted. What were you thinking?’
Instead of answering right away, Dean says, ‘I’m hungry. Let’s stop for a bite? We’ll make it real quick.’
Sam nods. He’s hungry too, but he knows this is one of those times in which food is just functional. They stop at a diner to use the rest room and eat. Dean wolfs down his usual greasy fare while Sam nibbles on some waffles.
‘Eat up,’ Dean says with his mouth full, gesturing with his fork to Sam’s plate. ‘Starving yourself won’t help Lily. Hey, you hear back from the girlfriend?’
‘No.’ Sam spears another bite of waffles with his fork and shoves it into his mouth.
‘I said to eat. Not to tear into it like it’s prey,’ Dean says, amused.
‘I don’t have my phone. You took it away when you locked me up, remember? And you haven’t answered my question,’ Sam shoots back, chewing mutinously.
‘I know.’ Dean pushes his hand back through his hair, ruffling up the spikes.
Sam wants to touch them so badly it hurts. He looks away, forcing himself to focus his attention on his plate.
‘I didn't know what to think, but there’s no excuse for what I did. I should've known what was going on in that giant brain of yours. My head was just so full of what Dad had said that I-I guess I just sort of snapped. I shouldn't have hit you, Sam. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’ Dean reaches across the table and then his hand is on Sam’s, holding on warm and tight.
Sam clings to him, his vision full of Dean’s earnest face. At that moment, with his insides filled with warmth, he feels as though he could take on the Devil himself if Dean were to keep looking at him like that.
-
They reach Charlie’s apartment a little before noon. It’s in a pretty complex just inside the university campus on the fourth floor, the building full of sunlight and potted plants lining the corridors.
‘Your kinda place, huh?’ Dean asks with a smile.
‘Yeah, it… it’s great.’ Sam loves plants and natural light, although if he’s honest with himself, he doesn't want to live in an apartment. He’d rather have a house of his own in which he can keep dogs, and maybe even a couple of cats. He doesn't know how Dean feels about it and has never brought it up.
‘You can have one like this when you get into college,’ Dean says conversationally, looking up at the ivy that’s curled over the doorway. Sam’s stunned into silence. Before he can respond, the door opens.
‘Yes?’ The young woman who’s opened the door is around Dean’s age, maybe a little younger. She has pretty red hair that falls in tangles around her face.
‘Charlie?’ Dean asks.
‘Who wants to know?’
‘I’m Dean, and this is Sam. We left you a voicemail?’
‘I haven't checked my messages.’
Sam knows she’s lying, and he can take a pretty good guess why. ‘It’s about Lily,’ he says gently. ‘As I said on the phone.’
‘What about her?’ Charlie asks, her voice tight.
‘Can we talk inside?’ Sam asks, lowering his voice. ‘Because this is going to sound kinda crazy.’
‘I don’t know you two, and you sure as hell aren't coming inside.’
‘Then leave the door open,’ Dean says. ‘Please, it’s important. We think we may know where she is.’
Charlie looks from Dean to Sam, and then finally takes a deep breath. ‘Fine. But don’t go any further than the sofa.’ She picks up a cordless phone from the table. ‘Or I’m calling the cops.’
‘Fair enough,’ Dean says, and they follow her inside.
-
‘So let me get this straight. You think you saw Lily in a dream? And she told you to come find me?’
‘You don't sound very surprised,’ Dean points out. ‘Have strange things been happening around Lily?’
‘I-yeah, you could say that.’ She doesn't elaborate. ‘And you say she’s in her uncle’s basement?’
‘That’s what she thinks, yeah.’
‘But I took the cops there. They said they searched the entire house.’
‘Are you sure?’ Sam asks. ‘Did they go into the basement?’
‘They must have. It’s their job, right?’
‘What if the crawl space is hidden?’ Dean puts in.
‘Crawl space?’ Charlie asks.
‘The space she’s in,’ Sam says. ‘If my dreams are accurate. She’s in some kind of crawl space. Maybe the entrance to it is hidden in such a way that the cops could've missed it, even if they searched the basement.’
‘If that’s true,’ Charlie says, going even paler, ‘then she could still be trapped there. I need to go back.’
‘And we’re going with you,’ Sam says, giving her his best reassuring smile. She returns it weakly.
Sam can’t blame her for being paranoid. If Dean had been missing, he wouldn't have trusted anyone either.
Part 3
Dean comes in without a word, a plate of food in his hand and a bottle of water tucked under the arm that’s holding the gun.
‘I need the bathroom.’
Dean looks at him in surprise. ‘You didn't use the bucket.’
‘I said I wasn't going to use the fucking bucket.’
‘In case you haven't noticed, you aren't the one giving orders here.’
‘You think I’m some kind of demon because I said something unkind to you? We do that all the time, Dean. I can’t-you can’t keep me locked up in here. Please. I haven't done anything wrong.’ Except kiss you and make you think I’m a monster, because only monsters hit on their brothers.
‘Sam would never do the stuff you've done.’
‘Maybe you just don't know me as well as you think.’
Dean just gestures with the shotgun. ‘Get back.’
‘No, Dean. You aren't listening.’ He takes a step toward Dean, who cocks the gun in warning. ‘Really? You're going to shoot me in the chest? Even blank bullets hurt. You really going to take that sort of a chance with me? And don't you dare fucking say I’m not your brother.’
‘Look, if you're Sam, you aren't making this easy for me, all right? You think I like locking you up and threatening you?’
‘Then don't do it, you asshole!’
‘What would you do? Huh? What would you do if Dad told you I was probably possessed by a demon? Would you let me walk around loose?’
‘I’d trust you.’
‘No, Sam, you wouldn’t. You wouldn't let me free if you thought I could be a danger to myself and others.’
Sam tries a different tactic. ‘When’s Dad getting back?’
Dean narrows his eyes. ‘Why are you asking?’
‘Because I’d rather be killed than be locked up for one more freaking second.’
‘No one’s killing you, Sam. Come on.’
‘You said it yourself.’
‘I said no such thing.’ Dean tosses him the handcuffs again. ‘Put them on if you want to be taken upstairs.’
Sam watches very carefully to see if Dean will reveal where the keys are. He doesn’t. It doesn't matter, because there are other ways to get out of cuffs, and Dean’s taught them to Sam himself. All he needs is to grab a paperclip from Bobby’s desk.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Dean says they make their way up the stairs.
‘You a mind reader now?’
Dean lets out an almost-laugh. ‘No, but I know you, little brother. Don't you try to get away from me.’
‘Why? So you can lock me up and starve me again?’
They enter the kitchen and Dean guides him to a chair, rolling his eyes. ‘Don't be so melodramatic. I didn't starve you.’
‘I haven't eaten since that sandwich yesterday. And I really need to pee.’
Dean tilts his head toward the bathroom. ‘Knock yourself out.’
Since the bathroom is clearly in Dean’s line of vision, there’s nothing Sam can do but finish his business and go back to the kitchen. Dean hasn't cooked, but he’s brought out some frozen stuff Bobby left in the fridge and heated it in the oven, so there’s actual food instead of a hastily thrown together sandwich this time. There’s also a glass of ice-cold orange juice, and Sam slurps it down thirstily.
Guilt written all over his face, Dean pours him some more.
‘I need you to listen to me,’ Sam says through a mouthful of chicken.
‘Don’t start.’
‘No, you listen, Dean. I know something’s wrong with me, all right? But it’s not what you think. At least I think it isn’t.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I’ve been having these dreams. But they’re more like visions. I think they're real.’
‘Visions? Of what?’
‘I’m trapped somewhere dark and cramped. And there’s a girl who’s a prisoner there. I think she’s real. I think she’s trapped somewhere and I need to help her.’
‘Who’s this girl?’
‘I only know her first name. Lily. Oh, and she’s gay.’
Dean raises his eyebrows. ‘How would you know that?’
‘Because she told me. She said her girlfriend’s probably looking for her.’
‘How do you know it’s real? That she’s real?’
‘I don’t know. I just know. It feels really different from a regular dream.’
‘If you have no clue where she is, then you can’t get her out even if she is real.’
‘I know that. Maybe I can try to figure it out when I have the dream again. Vision. Whatever. The problem is that I don't remember stuff properly when I’m there. I wasn't even sure of my own name the first time. She thought my name was Dean.’
‘Why would she think that?’
‘I don't remember. But I think I was calling your name. Maybe I was calling out for help. And she thought I was telling her my name.’
Dean doesn't comment on that. ‘You said ‘the first time.’ How many times have you had the dream?’
‘It’s not the same dream. She-Lily said I keep returning there, but time passes differently for her. I went there twice yesterday but the second time she said she hadn't seen me since the previous day. And there was something coming for us. It felt like some sort of monster.’
‘A monster? What kind of monster?’
‘I don't know. It was all dark but I could sense it. It felt… really creepy. Like it was going to suck my soul out or something.’
‘What happened?’
‘I woke up.’ Sam swallows and looks away, ashamed. ‘I didn't sleep all night. I didn't want to go back there and get caught.’
‘You think something’ll happen to you for real if this thing gets you in your dream?’
‘I don’t know, okay? I don't know anything right know. All I know is my brother thinks I’m a monster and I’m having weird dreams.’
‘I don’t think you're a-’
‘Save it for Dad,’ Sam says shortly. ‘You wouldn't have treated me the way you have if you didn't think I was some kind of demon.’
‘Sam, you have to understand. I don't want to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I’m doing this to protect you.’
‘Protect me from what? We don't even know what we’re dealing with here!’
‘That’s the problem, isn't it? Don't you see? If we knew what we were dealing with we could've fixed it by now.’
‘And what if there’s no fixing me, huh? What if Dad says I’m some kind of demon? How will you fix me then? How will you ‘protect’ me? By putting a bullet through my head for my own good? That’s what Dad told you, isn't it? That I’d have to be killed if I couldn't be saved?’
‘It’s not like that. You know Dad would never hurt you, any more than I would.’
‘But what if I’m not me, Dean? I mean, these dreams have to mean something, right? What if they mean that I’m not human? That I never was? Are you going to live with an abomination and call it your brother?’
‘Stop talking like that.’ Dean slams his hand down on the table. ‘Whatever happens, we will figure out a way.’
‘Talk to Dad. Go talk to him now. Tell him about my dreams and see what he has to say.’
‘All right, I will.’ Dean uncuffs one of Sam’s hands and locks the cuff around one of the table legs instead. ‘Stay here,’ he says unnecessarily.
Sam’s almost livid now. He also has a way of escape, because he can easily slide the cuff down the leg of the table and get it out. He does so as quietly as possible, going up to the door and listening to Dean’s side of the conversation.
Dean’s quiet except for the occasional sound he makes to show Dad that he’s listening.
‘But-’ Whatever Dean’s going to say is obviously cut short by their father.
‘Dad, no.’ Dean sounds resolute. ‘I’m not locking him up again. It’s killing him.’ He listens for a minute. ‘But-’
A moment later, Dean hangs up the phone with a curse. Sam’s about to back away from the door when he hears Dean making another call, this time to Bobby.
This time he can’t make out the conversation because Dean’s talking very softly, almost as though he’s aware that Sam’s listening.
‘You can come out now,’ Dean says, raising his voice when he hangs up.
Sam pushes open the door, the cuffs still dangling from one of his wrists. ‘What did Bobby say?’ he asks, not seeing any point in pretending he hasn't been listening.
‘Don’t you want to know what Dad said?’
‘I can imagine,’ Sam says bitterly.
‘Give him some credit, Sam. He is your father, you know. He doesn't want to hurt you.’
‘But he said you have to keep me locked up, right?’
‘He said being locked up wouldn't hurt you. And he’s right.’
‘No, he isn’t. I told you about my dreams. What if that thing gets me and Lily?’
‘He doesn't think the dreams are real.’
‘Of course he doesn’t. When has he ever taken me seriously?’
‘Let’s not get into that now, okay?’ Dean says, his voice surprisingly gentle. ‘You trust me, right?’
Sam hesitates. ‘I trust you to do what Dad says. You’ve always been the good little soldier.’
‘You mean I’ve always been the grunt who takes orders. And you've always been the smart one who knows better than anyone else.’
‘I know better what’s right for me.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘To get out of here. Out of this life. Away from Dad’s orders and his mission.’
‘You don't mean that.’
‘I do. Look in my bag if you don't believe me. See the college brochures I’ve been collecting all year. I even have a letter of reference from my last English teacher.’
Dean looks like Sam’s just slapped him. ‘You’re leaving?’
‘Did you seriously expect me to stay, Dean? With the way things have been between me and Dad? You think I want to live my life this way?’
‘I thought we mattered to you. We’re family, Sam, and-’
‘That doesn't explain everything. It’s not an excuse to pull your kids out of school and drag them all over the country chasing something you don't even know exists.’
‘Something killed Mom, and that something is still out there.’
‘Well, killing it won’t bring her back. How do you think she’d feel if she knew how Dad was treating us, Dean? Do you think she’d want this life for us?’
‘I don't know what she’d want, because she’s not here. But Dad is. He’s all we have, Sam.’
‘No, he’s all you have. Because he matters more to you than anything. Because you'll drop everything and follow his orders just to be a good son.’
‘That’s not true.’ Dean takes a deep breath, his hands clenched. ‘There’s nothing I would put in front of you, Sam. Ever.’
‘You have a funny way of showing it.’
‘Let me finish, and I’ll show you how serious I am about helping you. It’s why I spoke to Bobby.’
Sam remains mutinously silent, glaring at Dean.
‘I can’t let you free, Sam. I’m with Dad on that. But I remember Bobby saying something about dream-walking. You remember that?’
‘No. When was that?’
‘A few years ago. Maybe you were too little then. Anyway. I remember he told us about a case in which he actually had to get into someone’s head to help them out. I asked him about it. He used a root, an African one-I can’t remember the name.’
‘How’s that going to help? I’m already having the dreams.’
‘Yeah. But next time you dream of that monster, I’m going to be right there with you.’
-
‘You really think this is a good idea?’ Sam asks, fidgeting with his restraints.
Dean shrugs. ‘I don't know about good or bad, Sam. This is the best I’ve got. I’m not going to let you face that thing alone.’
‘So what're you going to do? Wait for me to fall asleep and then drink that stuff?’
‘Yeah, that’s about right.’
Sam’s silent for a while. ‘Do I have to be tied down again? What if it affects my dream in some way?’
‘It didn't make any difference last time, right? So it shouldn't this time either.’
‘And you believe me when I say I’m Sam? And not some sort of monster?’
‘We’ll deal with this stuff one thing at a time, okay? I can’t think about that demon blood stuff right now, Sammy. I don't know what to do about it. You're just going to have to believe me when I say that all I want is to keep you safe.’
‘I believe you about that, Dean. I just don't believe that what you may do to keep me safe is the best for me. And if you keep me locked up here without giving me a choice, then-’
‘Hey.’ Dean cuts him off, putting a hand on his shoulder. ‘I won’t let anything happen to you. I won’t let anyone take away your choices. You have to believe me.’
‘You’re taking away my choices right now,’ Sam points out, yanking on the straps to prove his point.
‘Okay, look at it this way. If you have the demon blood in you and some demon decides to take control of your body, do you really want him to walk out of here wearing you like a suit? What would happen to your choices then? And he’d probably kill me first for good measure. Can you imagine that? A demon using your hands, your body, to rip my guts out?’
‘Okay, okay, jeez. Enough already.’ Sam turns his head so his gaze is on the ceiling. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘You should sleep.’
‘Just one question.’
Dean sighs. ‘Fine.’
‘Why did you think I wasn't me? That I was-possessed or something? Was it just because, you know?’
‘Because you kissed me?’ Dean says bluntly, and Sam winces at his tone.
‘Yeah, that.’ Sam swallows. ‘I know you think it was disgusting, but…’
‘It wasn't like that.’
‘Then why? You-you hit me so hard. I never thought I-that you'd do that. Not to me. Ever.’
‘I’m sorry, Sam. I made sure you fell on the couch though, right?’
Despite himself, Sam lets out a laugh. ‘Yeah, you did. You just. I don’t know. Caught me by surprise.’
‘I’ll make it up to you,’ Dean promises. ‘Now go to sleep.’
‘Don’t know if I can. I’m too wired.’
‘You want me to give you something to help you sleep?’
It’s tempting, but Sam shakes his head. ‘What if it affects the dream somehow? What if that thing gets me and I can’t wake up?’
‘Nothing’s going to get you. I promise.’
‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’
‘Just watch me.’
-
‘Where have you been?’ Lily asks.
‘Getting help.’ Sam crawls over to her and sees that she’s cradling one of her arms with the other. ‘Are you hurt?’
‘Son of a bitch kicked me,’ she says, straightening a little from her protective hunch, and Sam sees a dark bruise on her forearm that looks a lot like a boot-print.
‘He wears boots?’ Sam asks in surprise.
‘I guess? Why is that surprising?’
‘I just. I don't know, I thought he was something else.’
‘Like a demon?’
‘What,’ says a voice from the darkness beyond them. ‘do you know about demons?’
Lily lets out a little gasp of surprise.
‘Dean! You made it!’ Sam wants to crawl over to his brother and throw his arms around him, and has to force himself to hold back.
‘Looks like it,’ Dean says. ‘You must be Lily. I’m Dean.’
‘How did you get here?’
‘Same way he did,’ Dean says, inclining his head toward Sam. ‘Well, kind of, anyway.’ He grins. ‘Let’s just say I’m the man of his dreams.’
‘Very clever,’ Sam huffs, but he can’t keep from smiling. With Dean here next to him, the darkness feels a lot less ominous.
‘Are you hurt?’ Dean asks Lily.
‘Yeah, that jerk kicked me when I tried to run.’
‘Run?’ Sam asks. ‘Run where? Did you find a way out?’
‘There’s a door at the end of the passage,’ Lily explains. ‘It’s always so dark, I couldn't see it before. Then he came to give me food and I tried to make a break for it.’
‘That was the first time he came to feed you? How long have you been here?’ Dean asks.
‘At least three days,’ Lily says. ‘I’ve kinda lost track but it can’t be much more than that.’
‘And that asshole hasn't given you any food or water for that long?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Dean, look at the bruise on her arm,’ Sam says.
‘It looks like…’ Dean leans in for a closer look. ‘Holy shit. It’s human?’
‘Looks like it.’ Sam swallows. It’s one thing to hunt monsters who couldn't care less about human lives, but another entirely to face a human who acts like a monster.
‘Could he be possessed?’
‘He’s not possessed,’ Lily says, surprising them both. ‘Yeah, I know about demons, as I said before. But I don’t think this guy is possessed.’
‘How can you be sure?’ Sam asks. ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yeah. I think so. I think it’s my uncle.’
‘Your uncle’s done this to you? But why?’
‘I think… This is gonna sound weird, but I think he thinks I’m possessed.’
Something clicks into place inside Sam’s head. ‘I think I get it. My dad had me locked up because he thinks a demon’s gotten inside me.’
‘Sam,’ Dean begins. ‘It’s not the same-’
‘Yes, it is.’ Sam cuts him off. ‘It’s exactly what Lily’s describing. Isn’t it?’ He turns to her.
‘I don't know about you, but I’ve been having weird dreams and things. My uncle. He-he’s a churchgoer. He was already very angry when I came out to him. My girlfriend was with me. For, you know, moral support or whatever. I thought he was going to hit her. He asked her to leave. I think he must’ve put something in my food to knock me out. When I came to, I was in here.’
Filled with horror at the thought of what Lily’s uncle must have done, Sam refuses to think about Dad’s reaction to his own visions. What would Dad do if he found out? Would he lock Sam up for good, like Lily’s uncle had done to her? What if he found out that Sam had kissed Dean? Would he, like Dean, think that Sam was possessed by a demon?
‘Do you recognize this place?’ he asks Lily. ‘Is this part of the house you live in?’
‘I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. I don’t live with my uncle. My girlfriend and I live together in an apartment on campus. She goes to college here.’
‘This is obviously part of a basement,’ Dean says, feeling the walls. ‘A crawl space. Do you know if your uncle’s house has a basement?’
‘Probably. Can we find a way out?’
‘Even if we could,’ Dean says, ‘you wouldn't really be getting out.’
‘Why not?’
Sam watches Dean’s face, trying to understand what he means. Dean waits quite patiently for the other two to figure it out.
‘Because…’ Sam says.
‘I’m dreaming,’ Lily finishes.
‘Yeah.’ Dean nods. ‘I don’t see how else you and Sam could both be here.’
‘But I’m here even when I’m awake.’ She turns to Sam. ‘Where are you?’
‘Right now,’ Sam says, ‘I’m a prisoner too. In the basement of a guy who’s very much like an uncle.’
‘Sam, it’s not the same,’ Dean says, but guilt is etched into his face.
Sam ignores him. ‘I’m tied down to a bed,’ he continues. ‘I’m handcuffed and let out to use the bathroom and eat, but when I’m done I’m taken right back.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Lily says softly, putting her hand on his arm. She lets out a sudden, humorless laugh. ‘As you can see, I kinda know how you feel.’ She looks at Dean. ‘How did you get here? Are you dreaming, too? Has someone locked you up too?’
‘I’m dreaming too. In a way,’ Dean says. He looks so anguished that Sam feels a little bad for him, but his anger at the situation hasn't dissipated yet.
‘So what do I do? Can you get word to someone when you wake up?’ Lily asks Sam.
‘I’ll do better than that. I’ll get you out myself,’ Sam promises. He doesn't look at Dean.
‘I don’t know how you can do that when you're a prisoner too,’ Lily says with a small smile. ‘But if you can get word to my girlfriend, she can call the cops. Her name’s Charlie. Charlie Bradbury. We live at Stanford University. Crothers Hall.’
-
‘Dean?’ Sam’s still groggy when he wakes up.
Dean’s not moving. He’s slumped in his chair next to Sam’s bed.
‘Dean!’ Sam’s scrabbling fingers can just about reach Dean’s leg. His fingertips brush against the denim of Dean’s jeans. ‘Dean, wake up!’
Sam’s almost frantic when Dean lets out a small sound. ‘Sam?’ He opens his eyes, but doesn't lift his head up. ‘You… you okay?’
‘I’m fine, Dean, but you don't look so good.’ Sam pulls hard at his restraints, but they hold fast. ‘Dean!’
‘’M awake,’ Dean mutters. He tries to get up, but falls back limply into his chair.
‘Dean, listen. Listen to me. You have to untie me. I don’t know what was in that stuff you drank, but I think you need a doctor.’
‘I’m fine,’ Dean says, but he almost falls over when he tries to get to his feet. His hand brushes against Sam’s a couple of times as he struggles to reach the strap binding Sam’s wrist to the bed frame. His skin is cold and clammy. Sam watches helplessly as he struggles for a minute before finally loosening the strap.
Sam’s out of his restraints in record time, swinging his legs off the bed and kneeling in front of Dean. ‘Dean. Hey.’ He takes Dean’s face in his hands. ‘Come on. I’m taking you to the-’
‘Bobby-said this might happen,’ Dean says, his eyes struggling to flutter open. ‘Just-just need to sleep it off, he said.’
Sam puts his hands under Dean’s armpits and moves him over to the bed, helping him to sit on the edge.
‘Dean. Hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you.’ Sam rubs Dean’s back, trying to help. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? Should-should I call Dad or Bobby?’
‘Nah.’ Dean looks up at him, as though he’s had a sudden thought. ‘Why are you still here?’
Sam stares at him. ‘What?’
Dean waves toward the door. ‘You could’ve run. You still can. I don’t think my legs are working yet. I won’t try to stop you. I’ll tell Dad I let you go.’
‘You’re an idiot.’ Sam gets to his feet and puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘Can you walk?’
‘Yeah.’ Dean gets to his feet and sways a little.
Sam gets under one of his arms, pulling it across his shoulders, and puts his own arm around Dean’s waist. ‘Come on.’
Sam gets him settled on the couch and covers him with a blanket. Dean sleeps for three hours, but Sam doesn't worry because his breathing is steady and effortless, his skin far less clammy to the touch now.
-
Dean sits up and groans, dropping his head in his hands. ‘I have a mother of a headache.’ He glances up at Sam. ‘You still here?’
‘Stop asking me that.’ Sam gets him a glass of water and a couple of paracetamol.
‘If I were you,’ Dean says when he’s swallowed the pills, ‘I’d be a couple towns away by now.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. You'd be right with me. And I’m not leaving you like this, so quit asking.’
‘Sam-’
‘I called Lily’s girlfriend. Charlie. Found her in the phone book. She’s real, Dean. Which means it’s all true. Lily’s really trapped somewhere. Charlie didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail.’
Dean looks at him. ‘You want to go help rescue Lily, don't you.’ It’s not a question.
‘Yeah. She’s just like me, Dean. And she needs help.’
‘She’s not like you.’
‘She’s locked up just like I… like I was.’
‘She’s a prisoner in the dark, Sam. I never left you.’
‘Yeah, you did. When I… said those things.’
‘I was never very far away. And I didn't mean to leave you all night. I fell asleep on the couch. I was meaning to get you out before dinner.’
‘That’s not my point.’ Sam tries to find the words to explain what he means. ‘Dad freaked out and told you to lock me up, and you did. Even though… I don’t know, Dean. You… you’ve always looked out for me, but you stopped the moment you thought something was wrong with me. What happens to Lily, whose uncle was never looking out for her in the first place? How bad do you think he’s going to treat her?’
‘I didn't stop looking out for you.’ Dean looks up at him. Sam’s standing at the door, his arms crossed, leaning against the jamb. ‘Sam, you have to believe me. I would never hurt you.’
‘We’ve been through this before. I said I believe you. I just don't believe that you’ll see me the same way you always did if you get proof that I have demon blood in me. I think you'll do what Dad says and keep me locked up if you think I could be a danger to myself. And I won’t allow that, Dean. I can’t live like that. Two days of it was bad enough.’
‘You said… something about college applications.’
‘Yeah,’ Sam says, his voice soft. ‘I’m leaving, Dean. That was always the plan.’
‘Funny. I thought the plan was to save people and hunt things.’
‘The family business isn't for me, Dean. I’ve known that for years, and I thought you did too.’
‘I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. But I guess deep down I always kinda knew you'd leave someday. I just. I didn't want to think about it.’
Sam sits down next to him, rubbing his forehead. ‘You don't have to think about it right now. We’ve got work to do.’
‘How are you feeling?’ Dean asks suddenly.
‘You mean do I think I’m going to turn into a demon anytime soon?’
‘It’s not a joke, Sam. It’s real.’
‘Forgive me if I can’t take it too seriously. I don't feel any different, Dean. I’m still me.’
‘What about your dreams? Visions. Whatever. You never had them before.’
‘Does having them make me a bad person? Does it make me a monster?’
‘’Course it doesn’t.’ Dean sounds weary. ‘But you have to admit it’s not exactly normal.’
‘And when have our lives been normal, exactly?’
‘You know what I mean, Sam.’
‘I don't know, Dean. I don't know what normal is. Maybe this is my normal, you know? Maybe it’s what I am. Whatever it is that’s in me, it’s a part of me. It’s not some monster that has to be killed. If you kill the monster, you'll kill me.’
‘No one is going to hurt you.’
‘You keep saying that, but I don't believe it.’
‘You don't trust me.’
‘Maybe I don’t. Maybe I don't trust you to accept me for what I am. Whatever I turn out to be.’
‘Maybe you're right,’ Dean says, surprising Sam. ‘I’m the grunt, right? I’ll just take orders, even if those orders are to kill you.’
‘I never said that. Stop putting words in my mouth.’
Dean doesn't respond. After a minute of silence Sam says, ‘You need to sleep some more?’
‘Yeah, I guess. Let’s eat first.’
Sam digs into the freezer and pulls out a pan of frozen lasagna. He’s itching to go and find Lily, but he knows that Dean isn't in any state to drive for hours. Even if Sam drives, he should let Dean rest for the night. It crosses his mind that he can make a run for it the moment Dean falls asleep, but he knows he won’t be able to leave Dean behind.
‘Give me a couple hours,’ Dean says, pushing his plate away and standing up. He doesn't sway this time. ‘We’ll leave as soon as it’s light, okay? Just gimme a bit of time.’
‘Yeah,’ Sam says. He watches Dean stumble up the stairs, already half-asleep, and feels a rush of affection for him. This is Dean’s way of showing him that he trusts Sam not to run away in the middle of the night, and Sam can’t bring himself to break that trust.
He makes himself a strong, giant mug of coffee, sits on the couch, and waits for dawn.
-
‘You get any sleep at all?’ Dean yawns, pushing his hands back through his hair.
‘I’m good,’ Sam says in lieu of answering the question. ‘You sure you want to do this with me?’
‘Would you rather I stay behind?’ Dean takes a large gulp of coffee.
‘No, but what will Dad say when he comes back and finds us both gone?’
‘We’ll worry about that when it happens.’ Dean finishes his coffee and rinses his mug in the sink. ‘You ready to go?’
‘Yeah.’
Five minutes later they’re on the road. Despite the cold morning breeze, Sam keeps his window rolled down and lets the wind ruffle his hair. It’s exhilarating to be out of the panic room and back on the road with Dean. He realizes with a jolt that Dean’s twenty-first birthday is just a couple of days away. There was so much he’d planned to do, to make sure Dean had a good birthday, and now he may never get to do any of it.
He glances quickly at Dean’s profile. Dean’s hands are strong on the wheel, and Sam knows without having to look that his fingertips are lightly callused from all the years of handling weapons.
‘Something on my face?’ Dean asks, obviously feeling Sam’s gaze on him.
‘Uh, no. I was just-sorry.’
Dean gives him a strange look, but he doesn't comment further.
Sam curls up against his window. The wind is definitely cold on his skin now and getting colder by the second, but he needs it to stay awake. It would never do to fall asleep now. At the same time, another part of him wants desperately to check on Lily, to see if she’s all right. He thinks of being in the cramped, claustrophobic space and decides that Dean was right. Lily’s situation is not the same as Sam’s. In fact, no one’s situation would be the same as Sam’s unless they had a Dean, and Sam’s the only one who has a Dean.
‘Thank you,’ he murmurs. The words are whipped away by the wind, but he knows Dean’s heard them.
Dean is silent for so long that Sam wonders if maybe he didn't hear him after all. But then Dean clears his throat, as though searching for words. ‘What for?’
‘You know. For not treating me the way Lily’s uncle is treating her.’
Dean’s looking straight out through the windshield at the road, his hands clenched on the steering wheel. ‘I hit you and locked you up and starved you.’ He lets out a hollow laugh. ‘Don’t thank me for that, Sam.’
‘You didn't starve me. And you thought I was… that I wasn't me. You were only trying to do what was best for me.’
‘So now you think I was right.’
Sam pulls away a little from the window. ‘I don't know what to think, Dean. If Dad’s right about me, then-then I don’t know what I should do. Maybe you were right. I should just be locked up so I can’t hurt anyone.’
‘We don't know that you're going to hurt anyone. We don't even know for sure what Dad thinks.’ Dean glances at Sam. ‘Let’s not jump the gun, okay?’
Sam nods, pulling his collar up.
‘And put the window up. You must be freezing.’
‘I don’t want to fall asleep.’
‘I won’t let you fall asleep. Put up the window and talk to me.’
Sam dutifully rolls up the window, and immediately feels much warmer. ‘Talk to you about what?’
‘I don’t know. Anything. That play you were reading. By Shakespeare?’
‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream.’
‘Yeah. It’s the one with the love potion and everyone falling in love with the first person they see, right?’
Sam smiles. ‘Right.’
‘And there’s a guy called Asshat or something?’
Sam grins. ‘Bottom. And you knew that.’
‘Whatever, man. Bottom, Asshat, it’s all the same.’
‘Bottom is part of a group of performers. They do this… play within the play.’
‘Yeah?’ Dean sounds interested. He offers Sam a stick of gum, and Sam takes it. Anything to stay awake.
‘My teacher said these really interesting things about the play. See, these characters, they’re from Athens. She said Athens represents city life, the rules and regulations of society. And then they go into the forest and these fairies mess with their heads, and they end up falling for the first people they see.’
‘Because of the love potion,’ Dean says smugly.
‘You know your Shakespeare,’ Sam says with a smile. ‘Yeah, because of the potion. Here’s the interesting thing. She said the forest represents a space in which those regulations don't hold. It’s like they're outside the ‘normal’ zone, and they don't have the same inhibitions anymore that they do when they live by society’s rules.’
Sam’s been thinking a lot about that. He knows Dean’s smart, much smarter than he gives himself credit for, and he wonders if Dean will get what he’s trying to say.
‘So, let me see if I have this right.’ Dean chews on his gum for a minute. ‘The city-Athens, whatever-is like ‘normal’ life. And the forest is like… anything that’s not ‘normal’ by the usual standards.’
‘Yeah.’ He waits for Dean to go on.
‘So we’-Dean gestures between Sam and himself-‘live in the forest. Pretty much all the time.’
Sam closes his eyes briefly, relief rushing through him. ‘Exactly.’
‘So we don't have the same inhibitions others do,’ Dean continues thoughtfully. ‘Or we shouldn’t.’
‘I don't know about should and shouldn't, but yeah. That’s what I thought.’
‘And that’s why you kissed me. Not because of the demon thing.’
Sam squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face toward his window. It still hurts too much to think of the way Dean had lashed out at him.
‘Hey,’ Dean says, putting his hand on Sam’s knee. ‘I’m sorry, Sammy. I just need to know that it was all you, you know?’
‘I think so,’ Sam whispers.
‘What d’you mean, you think so?’
‘What if… what if it wasn't me at all? What if it was something inside me that made me act like that?’
‘You really believe that?’
‘I don’t know what to believe, Dean.’ He scrubs his fists against his sleepy eyes. ‘If it’s-if I’m tainted, somehow, I don’t want to drag you into that. It’s better if-if I’m locked up, or if I go away.’
‘What does your gut tell you, Sammy?’
‘I… when I kissed you, I didn't know about that demon blood stuff. I-I was just doing what I-what I really wanted to do. I-I don’t know about right or wrong, Dean.’ He’s silent for a minute, and then he asks a question that’s been clamoring to get out of his mind for a while now. ‘What did you think, Dean? When you… when you reacted. What were you thinking?’
Instead of answering right away, Dean says, ‘I’m hungry. Let’s stop for a bite? We’ll make it real quick.’
Sam nods. He’s hungry too, but he knows this is one of those times in which food is just functional. They stop at a diner to use the rest room and eat. Dean wolfs down his usual greasy fare while Sam nibbles on some waffles.
‘Eat up,’ Dean says with his mouth full, gesturing with his fork to Sam’s plate. ‘Starving yourself won’t help Lily. Hey, you hear back from the girlfriend?’
‘No.’ Sam spears another bite of waffles with his fork and shoves it into his mouth.
‘I said to eat. Not to tear into it like it’s prey,’ Dean says, amused.
‘I don’t have my phone. You took it away when you locked me up, remember? And you haven’t answered my question,’ Sam shoots back, chewing mutinously.
‘I know.’ Dean pushes his hand back through his hair, ruffling up the spikes.
Sam wants to touch them so badly it hurts. He looks away, forcing himself to focus his attention on his plate.
‘I didn't know what to think, but there’s no excuse for what I did. I should've known what was going on in that giant brain of yours. My head was just so full of what Dad had said that I-I guess I just sort of snapped. I shouldn't have hit you, Sam. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’ Dean reaches across the table and then his hand is on Sam’s, holding on warm and tight.
Sam clings to him, his vision full of Dean’s earnest face. At that moment, with his insides filled with warmth, he feels as though he could take on the Devil himself if Dean were to keep looking at him like that.
-
They reach Charlie’s apartment a little before noon. It’s in a pretty complex just inside the university campus on the fourth floor, the building full of sunlight and potted plants lining the corridors.
‘Your kinda place, huh?’ Dean asks with a smile.
‘Yeah, it… it’s great.’ Sam loves plants and natural light, although if he’s honest with himself, he doesn't want to live in an apartment. He’d rather have a house of his own in which he can keep dogs, and maybe even a couple of cats. He doesn't know how Dean feels about it and has never brought it up.
‘You can have one like this when you get into college,’ Dean says conversationally, looking up at the ivy that’s curled over the doorway. Sam’s stunned into silence. Before he can respond, the door opens.
‘Yes?’ The young woman who’s opened the door is around Dean’s age, maybe a little younger. She has pretty red hair that falls in tangles around her face.
‘Charlie?’ Dean asks.
‘Who wants to know?’
‘I’m Dean, and this is Sam. We left you a voicemail?’
‘I haven't checked my messages.’
Sam knows she’s lying, and he can take a pretty good guess why. ‘It’s about Lily,’ he says gently. ‘As I said on the phone.’
‘What about her?’ Charlie asks, her voice tight.
‘Can we talk inside?’ Sam asks, lowering his voice. ‘Because this is going to sound kinda crazy.’
‘I don’t know you two, and you sure as hell aren't coming inside.’
‘Then leave the door open,’ Dean says. ‘Please, it’s important. We think we may know where she is.’
Charlie looks from Dean to Sam, and then finally takes a deep breath. ‘Fine. But don’t go any further than the sofa.’ She picks up a cordless phone from the table. ‘Or I’m calling the cops.’
‘Fair enough,’ Dean says, and they follow her inside.
-
‘So let me get this straight. You think you saw Lily in a dream? And she told you to come find me?’
‘You don't sound very surprised,’ Dean points out. ‘Have strange things been happening around Lily?’
‘I-yeah, you could say that.’ She doesn't elaborate. ‘And you say she’s in her uncle’s basement?’
‘That’s what she thinks, yeah.’
‘But I took the cops there. They said they searched the entire house.’
‘Are you sure?’ Sam asks. ‘Did they go into the basement?’
‘They must have. It’s their job, right?’
‘What if the crawl space is hidden?’ Dean puts in.
‘Crawl space?’ Charlie asks.
‘The space she’s in,’ Sam says. ‘If my dreams are accurate. She’s in some kind of crawl space. Maybe the entrance to it is hidden in such a way that the cops could've missed it, even if they searched the basement.’
‘If that’s true,’ Charlie says, going even paler, ‘then she could still be trapped there. I need to go back.’
‘And we’re going with you,’ Sam says, giving her his best reassuring smile. She returns it weakly.
Sam can’t blame her for being paranoid. If Dean had been missing, he wouldn't have trusted anyone either.
Part 3