Through a Glass, Darkly - chapter 2
Title: Through a Glass, Darkly
Author: a2zmom
Rating: NC-17, eventually
Genre: angst, AU
Word Count: this chapter, 2,314
Character: Buffy, Angel, ensemble
Disclaimer: They may be Joss' but right now, they're dancing to my tune.
AN: Thanks to married_n_mich for improving this chapter many times over.
Chapter 1 - Halloween
Chapter 2 - The Dark Age
The sheet was scratchy against her cheek. Buffy hated it when her mother forgot to use fabric softener. She started to open her eyes but decided to keep them closed once the entire Sunnydale marching band took up residence inside of her skull. Even worse, they were playing "I Believe I Can Fly". She hoped she could talk her mom into letting her stay home from school. Obviously, she needed major bed rest. And soup. And maybe her mom could cut some toast into funny shapes. She started to get up and that's when panic set in. She couldn't move.
As memories came flooding back, her eyes snapped opened. "Ethan," she said sourly, glaring at the cause of her predicament.
"Finally awake, I see." he smiled. "I would have hated for you to miss all the fun."
"What are you planning to do," a touch of fear lacing her voice. She moved her head just enough to see silver glinting off to the side. Great. Knives. She couldn't believe she had let herself get into this predicament.
"I guess you could say that Ive decided to indulge my artistic side." He bent over her, drawing something on her neck. "Maybe I should have gone for an A level in art," Ethan murmured.
"I'm the slayer. Let me up and I can fight this thing. I'll protect you from it."
"How very noble of you, but I think I'll take my chances. Besides, I 'd rather have Eyghon focusing all of his attentions on you, my dear." He picked up a drill-like contraption. "Now stay still or this will hurt more than it has to."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm touched by your concern," she said, sarcasm obvious.
"I am hurt that you think of me like that. I don't believe in violence for violence's sake." He stopped for a moment and smirked. "Well, actually I do, but at the moment I'm more concerned with staying alive. Priorities and all."
"Even if staying alive means typing up a helpless teenager so she can get killed and you can escape." She drew in a sudden breath as he pricked her skin with the tattooing gun.
"You are far from helpless, besides there is an excellent chance that being possessed by Eyghon won't have a negative effect on you. After all, you already have the essence of one demon in you; I can't imagine another being that big a deal."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." She had found an exposed screw on the underside of the table and was trying desperately to cut through her bonds. If she could just keep him talking, there would less chance of him noticing what she was attempting.
"Ripper never told you? Can't say I'm surprised. The council never has liked to share information with those they consider expendable."
Her guts constricted as a shiver shot up her spine. Ethan was nothing but trouble and he lived for havoc, but she wasn't sure that he wasn't being truthful. "I'm 100% demon free, USDA approved." she stated.
"Haven't you ever wondered why you’re the slayer?" He went to work on the next section of the tattoo. "You're not exactly a standard issue girl."
"Magic," she said simply.
"The council has been around for thousands of years. If all that was involved in creating a slayer was a spell, they would have unlocked that little secret long ago. Nothing would please them more than ordering several of you around."
The unease that was constricting her breathing was getting worse. She worked harder at getting free.
"When the slayer dies, the demon is released and merges with its next host. The girl has to be receptive to it. Somewhere inside of you, you want to be a monster."
No, that couldn't be true. At that moment, the possessed Jenny burst in followed by Giles and her fears were momentarily put on hold.
As Angel got to his feet, Buffy could see that the fight with Eyghon had taken a lot out of him. “Are you all right?”
“Fine, Buffy.” His tone was abrupt and for a moment, he supported himself against the wall. Straightening, he started to walk out of the store.
“Are you sure you don’t…”
“I said I was fine”, he snapped, cutting her off as he stalked out of the door.
Buffy stared after him for a bit, unsure of exactly what was going on.
“Man, somebody’s moody,” Cordelia sourly observed.
Buffy took two steps toward the center of the room and knelt down next to Giles. “Is Jenny going to be ok? Do you need my help?”
“At the moment, Buffy, I think it would be best if everyone went home. I’ll take care of Jenny.” She nodded, wincing inwardly at the pain she saw in Giles’ eyes. She hoped that Jenny would be all right after her ordeal. She liked the young teacher and she especially liked how happy she made her watcher.
Buffy pushed open the store door and quickly stepped outside, half running along the streets in order to catch up to Angel. Once Giles had confirmed there was nothing she could do there, she was eager to find Angel and try to figure out what was going on with him Short tempered wasn’t his usual style and she assumed that he was hurt and didn’t want her to worry.
Plus, just as important, she wanted to sound him out about everything Ethan had said. She had somehow asked to be a demon? The thought frightened her. Half a block ahead, she saw him making a left and she put forth a burst of speed.
“Angel, wait up.” She saw his shoulders tense and she was convinced that he was planning to sprint away from her, although she couldn’t fathom why. In a minute, she was at his side. “I’m worried about you. Eyghon could have killed you. I could have lost you.” She reached out to touch his hand, but there was no mistaking the way he flinched and sidestepped her. “What?” She no longer bothered keeping the hurt out of voice. “Why are you trying to avoid me?”
He stared at her and she suspected he was coming to some sort of decision. “What do you know about vampires?”
His quiet question was so unexpected that she couldn’t help but laugh. Her giggle died away at the serious look on his face. “I know a lot about vampires. It’s kind of in the job description.” She didn’t understand the weird mood he was in, but she was trying hard not to get snippy.
“Tell me what you know.”
“They’re evil. Present company excepted. They live off human blood. They can be killed by decapitation, fire or a wooden stake to the heart. I think that sums it up.”
“What about the demon itself?”
She shrugged and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She was aware that patience wasn't her strongest suit, but even so, annoyance was beginning to win out. “When you get turned into a vampire, the soul leaves your body and a demon moves in. The person you used to be is gone.” She said the words in a sing song tone, not even paying attention to what she was saying. He was well aware that she could recite all this stuff in her sleep.
“Not completely accurate, but unimportant for that moment. And what about me? What’s the deal with me?”
He had been staring at her for a while now and it occurred to her that he hadn’t blinked once. She was beginning to become unnerved. “You’re different. You have a soul.”
He gave her a tight, thin-lipped smile. “Do you know what vampires dream about during the day? We might be dead, but we do dream strangely enough. We dream about killing. I dream about killing.” Without realizing, she took a small step away from him. “I dream about snapping Xander’s neck, once and for all. About draining Willow. And the things I dream about you.” His voice was low and rough, his expression dark, but she could also see shame in his eyes.
"I spent ninety years alone, rarely in contact with people. Part of that was guilt, but just as big a part is the ever present need. I hear their heartbeats, I smell their blood. I want to feel my teeth sinking into their throats, drink their blood, let it warm me, fill me up. When all is said and done, I'm a demon."
"Wanting isn't the same as doing."
He laughed then, a bitter sound that split the quiet of the night. "We're not talking about passing up a pair of shoes you have your eye on. Every day, my life is about self-control. About all the darkest things I want that I deny myself." He took another step back into the shadows. "Tonight I had to let go of my control in order to kill Eyghon. You're not safe around me."
"I'm not afraid of you."
"You should be."
She stepped out of the glow of the streetlamp and into the shadows where he hid. "But I'm not. I'll never be afraid of you, no matter what."
As she finished saying the words, he had grabbed her by the upper arms so tightly that she cried out in pain. His mouth was upon hers, forcing her lips apart, while he kissed her ferociously. Her heart was pounding so fast she thought it might explode and stop. His tongue pushed into her mouth, but this wasn't the teasing caress his kisses had been before. His tongue was pushing in and out of her mouth, while his hands were under her shirt, stopping at her sides just underneath her bra.
Every one of her senses was attuned to only him. His lips nipping at hers, his fingers stroking her sides and making her tremble, his tongue roughly sliding in and out her mouth and electrifying her body. She closed the tiny gap between their bodies and felt her insides go liquid when she realized she could feel him pressing into her stomach. She had this effect on him. Instantly, she was kissing him with equal passion. She could feel him shake and somehow she knew he was fighting to maintain control and not let the demon out. She didn't care, wherever he wanted to go, she was willing to follow. She had never felt this alive.
His hands had left her side and suddenly, he was roughly pushing her away. "This isn't what you need, Buffy." And before she could protest, he had melted into the night.
She stood there unmoving as her heartbeat slowly returned to its normal cadence. She was no longer sure of confiding in Angel. What if the thought of her being part demon caused him to pull away from her for good? Cordelia's recent words came back to her. She would have to figure this out without him. And more importantly, she had to convince him that she could handle him. She was the slayer and didn't need protecting.
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“Giles?” The library seemed very lonely in that instant. She wondered if Giles actually preferred being on his own or if that was a façade.
“Ah, Buffy.” He appeared from among the stacks. “I trust that everything is all right?”
She nodded, even though she wasn’t sure that was the case. “How’s Jenny?”
“Um... The hills are not alive. “
His statement didn’t make any sense to her, but one look at his face told her all she needed to know. “I’m sorry.” She hesitated; not sure if the questions she wanted to ask would pour salt into his wounds. “When Eyghon took over Jenny, where was she?”
Giles looked past her, then down at the library table, removed his glasses and cleaned then, and finally, clearing his throat a bit, looked back at Buffy. She wanted to tell him that she hadn’t meant the question, that they could pretend she hadn’t asked it, but it was already too late to remove the look on his face. “I expect she was there, a..a spectator, if you would. Unable to affect her own body in any way.”
“That’s…”
“Yes, quite.”
She twisted a lock of hair while chewing on her lower lip. “So, nothing that happened yesterday was Jenny’s fault at all. There was nothing she could do about it.” She stumbled over her words, trying to get her thoughts in order. “But, but a vampire. The person is gone right? The demon takes over and the person is gone?”
Giles kept his eyes on his charge. “Yes, that is how it works with a vampire.”
“But if it’s the same personality and all the same memories, isn’t that the person? I mean, isn’t that what make us, us?”
Giles closed his eyes briefly and then laced his fingers together. “If you’re asking me if Angel bears responsibility for all the atrocities he committed in his past, I don’t know how to answer that. I do know that he has helped us on many occasions and yesterday he saved Jenny’s life at great risk to his own.”
“Thanks, Giles.” She left the library still hearing Angel’s words of caution in her ears.
The urge to run back and have Giles reassure her about the things Ethan had said almost overwhelmed her. But then she remembered that Ethan had said that Giles was completely aware that Buffy was no longer completely human. That he was keeping that from her. Where her thoughts even her own anymore? OK, that suede skirt she had her eye on probably wasn't demonically influenced. But what about the thrill she got when she took down a bunch of vamps. Was that her? Or something darker living inside of her?
Author: a2zmom
Rating: NC-17, eventually
Genre: angst, AU
Word Count: this chapter, 2,314
Character: Buffy, Angel, ensemble
Disclaimer: They may be Joss' but right now, they're dancing to my tune.
AN: Thanks to married_n_mich for improving this chapter many times over.
Chapter 1 - Halloween
Chapter 2 - The Dark Age
The sheet was scratchy against her cheek. Buffy hated it when her mother forgot to use fabric softener. She started to open her eyes but decided to keep them closed once the entire Sunnydale marching band took up residence inside of her skull. Even worse, they were playing "I Believe I Can Fly". She hoped she could talk her mom into letting her stay home from school. Obviously, she needed major bed rest. And soup. And maybe her mom could cut some toast into funny shapes. She started to get up and that's when panic set in. She couldn't move.
As memories came flooding back, her eyes snapped opened. "Ethan," she said sourly, glaring at the cause of her predicament.
"Finally awake, I see." he smiled. "I would have hated for you to miss all the fun."
"What are you planning to do," a touch of fear lacing her voice. She moved her head just enough to see silver glinting off to the side. Great. Knives. She couldn't believe she had let herself get into this predicament.
"I guess you could say that Ive decided to indulge my artistic side." He bent over her, drawing something on her neck. "Maybe I should have gone for an A level in art," Ethan murmured.
"I'm the slayer. Let me up and I can fight this thing. I'll protect you from it."
"How very noble of you, but I think I'll take my chances. Besides, I 'd rather have Eyghon focusing all of his attentions on you, my dear." He picked up a drill-like contraption. "Now stay still or this will hurt more than it has to."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm touched by your concern," she said, sarcasm obvious.
"I am hurt that you think of me like that. I don't believe in violence for violence's sake." He stopped for a moment and smirked. "Well, actually I do, but at the moment I'm more concerned with staying alive. Priorities and all."
"Even if staying alive means typing up a helpless teenager so she can get killed and you can escape." She drew in a sudden breath as he pricked her skin with the tattooing gun.
"You are far from helpless, besides there is an excellent chance that being possessed by Eyghon won't have a negative effect on you. After all, you already have the essence of one demon in you; I can't imagine another being that big a deal."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." She had found an exposed screw on the underside of the table and was trying desperately to cut through her bonds. If she could just keep him talking, there would less chance of him noticing what she was attempting.
"Ripper never told you? Can't say I'm surprised. The council never has liked to share information with those they consider expendable."
Her guts constricted as a shiver shot up her spine. Ethan was nothing but trouble and he lived for havoc, but she wasn't sure that he wasn't being truthful. "I'm 100% demon free, USDA approved." she stated.
"Haven't you ever wondered why you’re the slayer?" He went to work on the next section of the tattoo. "You're not exactly a standard issue girl."
"Magic," she said simply.
"The council has been around for thousands of years. If all that was involved in creating a slayer was a spell, they would have unlocked that little secret long ago. Nothing would please them more than ordering several of you around."
The unease that was constricting her breathing was getting worse. She worked harder at getting free.
"When the slayer dies, the demon is released and merges with its next host. The girl has to be receptive to it. Somewhere inside of you, you want to be a monster."
No, that couldn't be true. At that moment, the possessed Jenny burst in followed by Giles and her fears were momentarily put on hold.
As Angel got to his feet, Buffy could see that the fight with Eyghon had taken a lot out of him. “Are you all right?”
“Fine, Buffy.” His tone was abrupt and for a moment, he supported himself against the wall. Straightening, he started to walk out of the store.
“Are you sure you don’t…”
“I said I was fine”, he snapped, cutting her off as he stalked out of the door.
Buffy stared after him for a bit, unsure of exactly what was going on.
“Man, somebody’s moody,” Cordelia sourly observed.
Buffy took two steps toward the center of the room and knelt down next to Giles. “Is Jenny going to be ok? Do you need my help?”
“At the moment, Buffy, I think it would be best if everyone went home. I’ll take care of Jenny.” She nodded, wincing inwardly at the pain she saw in Giles’ eyes. She hoped that Jenny would be all right after her ordeal. She liked the young teacher and she especially liked how happy she made her watcher.
Buffy pushed open the store door and quickly stepped outside, half running along the streets in order to catch up to Angel. Once Giles had confirmed there was nothing she could do there, she was eager to find Angel and try to figure out what was going on with him Short tempered wasn’t his usual style and she assumed that he was hurt and didn’t want her to worry.
Plus, just as important, she wanted to sound him out about everything Ethan had said. She had somehow asked to be a demon? The thought frightened her. Half a block ahead, she saw him making a left and she put forth a burst of speed.
“Angel, wait up.” She saw his shoulders tense and she was convinced that he was planning to sprint away from her, although she couldn’t fathom why. In a minute, she was at his side. “I’m worried about you. Eyghon could have killed you. I could have lost you.” She reached out to touch his hand, but there was no mistaking the way he flinched and sidestepped her. “What?” She no longer bothered keeping the hurt out of voice. “Why are you trying to avoid me?”
He stared at her and she suspected he was coming to some sort of decision. “What do you know about vampires?”
His quiet question was so unexpected that she couldn’t help but laugh. Her giggle died away at the serious look on his face. “I know a lot about vampires. It’s kind of in the job description.” She didn’t understand the weird mood he was in, but she was trying hard not to get snippy.
“Tell me what you know.”
“They’re evil. Present company excepted. They live off human blood. They can be killed by decapitation, fire or a wooden stake to the heart. I think that sums it up.”
“What about the demon itself?”
She shrugged and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She was aware that patience wasn't her strongest suit, but even so, annoyance was beginning to win out. “When you get turned into a vampire, the soul leaves your body and a demon moves in. The person you used to be is gone.” She said the words in a sing song tone, not even paying attention to what she was saying. He was well aware that she could recite all this stuff in her sleep.
“Not completely accurate, but unimportant for that moment. And what about me? What’s the deal with me?”
He had been staring at her for a while now and it occurred to her that he hadn’t blinked once. She was beginning to become unnerved. “You’re different. You have a soul.”
He gave her a tight, thin-lipped smile. “Do you know what vampires dream about during the day? We might be dead, but we do dream strangely enough. We dream about killing. I dream about killing.” Without realizing, she took a small step away from him. “I dream about snapping Xander’s neck, once and for all. About draining Willow. And the things I dream about you.” His voice was low and rough, his expression dark, but she could also see shame in his eyes.
"I spent ninety years alone, rarely in contact with people. Part of that was guilt, but just as big a part is the ever present need. I hear their heartbeats, I smell their blood. I want to feel my teeth sinking into their throats, drink their blood, let it warm me, fill me up. When all is said and done, I'm a demon."
"Wanting isn't the same as doing."
He laughed then, a bitter sound that split the quiet of the night. "We're not talking about passing up a pair of shoes you have your eye on. Every day, my life is about self-control. About all the darkest things I want that I deny myself." He took another step back into the shadows. "Tonight I had to let go of my control in order to kill Eyghon. You're not safe around me."
"I'm not afraid of you."
"You should be."
She stepped out of the glow of the streetlamp and into the shadows where he hid. "But I'm not. I'll never be afraid of you, no matter what."
As she finished saying the words, he had grabbed her by the upper arms so tightly that she cried out in pain. His mouth was upon hers, forcing her lips apart, while he kissed her ferociously. Her heart was pounding so fast she thought it might explode and stop. His tongue pushed into her mouth, but this wasn't the teasing caress his kisses had been before. His tongue was pushing in and out of her mouth, while his hands were under her shirt, stopping at her sides just underneath her bra.
Every one of her senses was attuned to only him. His lips nipping at hers, his fingers stroking her sides and making her tremble, his tongue roughly sliding in and out her mouth and electrifying her body. She closed the tiny gap between their bodies and felt her insides go liquid when she realized she could feel him pressing into her stomach. She had this effect on him. Instantly, she was kissing him with equal passion. She could feel him shake and somehow she knew he was fighting to maintain control and not let the demon out. She didn't care, wherever he wanted to go, she was willing to follow. She had never felt this alive.
His hands had left her side and suddenly, he was roughly pushing her away. "This isn't what you need, Buffy." And before she could protest, he had melted into the night.
She stood there unmoving as her heartbeat slowly returned to its normal cadence. She was no longer sure of confiding in Angel. What if the thought of her being part demon caused him to pull away from her for good? Cordelia's recent words came back to her. She would have to figure this out without him. And more importantly, she had to convince him that she could handle him. She was the slayer and didn't need protecting.
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“Giles?” The library seemed very lonely in that instant. She wondered if Giles actually preferred being on his own or if that was a façade.
“Ah, Buffy.” He appeared from among the stacks. “I trust that everything is all right?”
She nodded, even though she wasn’t sure that was the case. “How’s Jenny?”
“Um... The hills are not alive. “
His statement didn’t make any sense to her, but one look at his face told her all she needed to know. “I’m sorry.” She hesitated; not sure if the questions she wanted to ask would pour salt into his wounds. “When Eyghon took over Jenny, where was she?”
Giles looked past her, then down at the library table, removed his glasses and cleaned then, and finally, clearing his throat a bit, looked back at Buffy. She wanted to tell him that she hadn’t meant the question, that they could pretend she hadn’t asked it, but it was already too late to remove the look on his face. “I expect she was there, a..a spectator, if you would. Unable to affect her own body in any way.”
“That’s…”
“Yes, quite.”
She twisted a lock of hair while chewing on her lower lip. “So, nothing that happened yesterday was Jenny’s fault at all. There was nothing she could do about it.” She stumbled over her words, trying to get her thoughts in order. “But, but a vampire. The person is gone right? The demon takes over and the person is gone?”
Giles kept his eyes on his charge. “Yes, that is how it works with a vampire.”
“But if it’s the same personality and all the same memories, isn’t that the person? I mean, isn’t that what make us, us?”
Giles closed his eyes briefly and then laced his fingers together. “If you’re asking me if Angel bears responsibility for all the atrocities he committed in his past, I don’t know how to answer that. I do know that he has helped us on many occasions and yesterday he saved Jenny’s life at great risk to his own.”
“Thanks, Giles.” She left the library still hearing Angel’s words of caution in her ears.
The urge to run back and have Giles reassure her about the things Ethan had said almost overwhelmed her. But then she remembered that Ethan had said that Giles was completely aware that Buffy was no longer completely human. That he was keeping that from her. Where her thoughts even her own anymore? OK, that suede skirt she had her eye on probably wasn't demonically influenced. But what about the thrill she got when she took down a bunch of vamps. Was that her? Or something darker living inside of her?