[TLB11] The Last Bridge
Title: The Last Bridge - Chapter 11
Word Count: 4129
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Hi hi ^_^ Is it only me or is my writing style becoming a bit too...I don't know...It seems somehow off, too normal compared to my one-shots? And constructive criticism is always appreciated !!!
And omg how short this chapter seems *cries*
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The morning was unexpectedly usual. Hyunseung tried to shake the younger but the other waved his hand around as trying to hit a fly before pulling it back under the covers. Only after those mere 30 minutes when Hyunseung managed to get himself ready, he finally heard a groan as Junhyung sat up, dragging a hand through hair as he let out a big yawn.
Nothing out of the ordinary at all.
As Hyunseung had already finished preparing for the leave, he just sat on the chair, chin positioned on the back-rest as he eyed the other in front of the mirror who was trying to get his hair under control. He even let out a slight chuckle which didn’t even fell when a glare was sent his way.
“Argh, it’s such a pain!” Junhyung groaned when he finally gave up, going to Hyunseung’s closet and swung the door open before rummaging through it and ignoring the elder’s shriek before he was literally dragged away with a couple of items in his hands. Hyunseung’s perfectly organized closet was in a mess afterwards and he didn’t appreciate it not one bit. On usual occasions he would have thrown something in Junhyung’s way but this time he had nothing in reach.
“But daamn, I still have a bad feeling about my hair…” The younger still complained after coming out of the shower, wearing Hyunseung’s clothes which he had found decent and fitting.
More like what he managed to grab.
And probably it doesn’t even need describing what Hyunseung must’ve felt seeing one of his favorite tank-tops so tightly fit around the other’s chest.
So he looked away, keeping himself busy as the other was drying his hair which was damp enough to have water-droplets run down along his neck and disappear into the shirt. Hyunseung wanted to keep away from such sight, especially as there was danger to zone out again and who knows for how long. Risk it with the younger noticing? He wasn’t going to take the chance.
“I still can’t get it to stay normal. It’s even worse than before. Seriously, what the hell shampoo do you use…” Junhyung complained once again. “See? It’s going to be your fault if I’m being made fun of today…” He ended with a tone that made Hyunseung glance over and scoff. It really was amusing, but that only earned him another glare. Junhyung could be really touchy with some subjects - one of those being his hair. It was still a mystery to the older as of why, but sometimes he thought the younger didn’t even know nor notice it himself.
Hyunseung only shook his head as he stood up and walked over to the other who immediately closed his mouth, stopping the wave of complaints he had in midway. The older tended to be slightly unpredictable at times, making Junhyung cautious as he didn’t dare to say anything else. He only looked at Hyunseung whose attention was on his hair instead, hands coming up to it and Junhyung could feel a second later him messing around.
It was calming. It felt safe.
Usually he wouldn’t have let anyone touch his hair but right then he sat in silence as the other worked, only able to look up from his seat to see a warm smile lying on the other’s lips, accompanied with a similar glint in his eyes. These were the moments Junhyung liked, the older letting his caring side show, compared to the usual shield he held up.
At times like these Junhyung could feel himself not only physically close but also mentally.
“Ah, you’re such a kid,” Hyunseung said as he removed his hands after having managed to ‘work wonders’ with Junhyung’s hair as the latter said so himself later. This was the first time when he locked eyes with the other, only noticing him looking back and he diverted his gaze instead. Trying to avoid eye-contact was harder than he had originally thought as it just kept happening even more now.
Poke.
“Heeey, why the blush~,” the younger teased as he gave another poke between the other’s ribs who immediately stepped back, going to gather his things without any words, leaving Junhyung sit there with a smile tinted with a bit of maliciousness.
Hyunseung hated his teasing. It only made him confused as at times Junhyung just knew what to say to embarrass him, just like knowing his feelings. But at times it was still so unbelievable as he seemed totally oblivious considering his actions. And for once Hyunseung couldn’t detect if it was acting or not. And this irritated him even more as he had no escape. This seemed like a horrible fate that he was stuck with.
Well, horrible is a bit over-exaggerated but Hyunseung is Hyunseung.
“Let’s get going,” Hyunseung hit the younger against his head as he passed, heading for the door, the other following soon after with a knowing smirk.
The whole day promised to be one ordinary school-day. And like every day it also had its bad points - today it was PE class. Well, it was a heaven for girls as the males paraded around without shirts but it was bad for Hyunseung as he had another lesson free in the middle of the day, making him really tempted to skip the later ones also and go home. It wasn’t a good idea though as he had enough miss-notes already, making the homeroom teacher literally threaten him with a call home.
And that wasn’t even an option he could allow.
Luckily for PE lesson he got a passing slip from the nurse like ever so often. He even remembered all the hard work he had put into it, even though being so un-confident and looking like he had been at the time, he tried to get on better terms with her. And it had worked. Slowly, but the target had been reached. Now the only problem was her slight obsession after Hyunseung’s style-change. She even asked for his number which Hyunseung managed to politely avoid.
So as he thought what to do with his free time after lunch he sat down next to Yoseob and by now, the familiar other 5 students too. The more days passed the more comfortable it had gotten. Even until the extent that he even wanted to see them though they didn’t talk that much apart from the small hi’s in the hallways and sometimes even chats outside of school.
It’s weird how everything becomes so usual that you can’t even remember how you had lived before.
Something gained his attention and he silenced his hi as Yoseob shushed by raising a finger on his lips. The situation seemed quite interesting as most of them just ate their lunch in silence as two others kept arguing, each of them showing no signs of giving up while sentences were thrown like rocks. Not an unusual sight but not an ordinary one either.
And of course there was one lost bunny between them who just didn’t even dare to make a sound as he just looked back and forth as being in fault. It was easy to see he was still young. How much boys can grow with summer, it’s quite interesting.
“I’m telling you for the hundredth time, how was I supposed to know?” Doojoon’s voice expressed how tired he must’ve been and also how pointless the argument was, making Hyunseung ease up immediately.
He sat down silently and his eyes met with Junhyung’s who only let out a slight smile, confirming the fact it really was pointless. He expected nothing less as Doojoon had always hated silly arguments, especially when the other side just kept going, giving him no chance to explain nor a try to understand. But he was also stubborn which didn’t let him ignore it either. So a dead-end situation it was.
It seems it had also got something to do with pride, considering he was the oldest and most respected.
“But you should’ve talked to me before!” Gikwang exclaimed, hands doing a weird gesture as if it helped him to explain his emotions and words better. Which of course was just laugh-worthy as everyone else who wasn’t participating in this tried to hold back their snickers, earning a tired groan from Doojoon.
“But you always gave out a feeling that you had told him everything already!” Doojoon shot back, agitating Gikwang even more even though the difference wasn’t seeable anymore. It wasn’t as if he was angry, his agitation came out in a form of just repeating his words and complaining among it.
“But even Hyunseung doesn’t know! How could I let Dongwoon in then?!” Gikwang said immediately, giving Doojoon a look which couldn’t be described.
It was true though. Thinking about it, Junhyung never mentioned any details, always said he had to go after receiving a weird phone-call. Even worse was when it happened in the middle of the night when Junhyung apologized and stroked his hair before gathering things and leaving with a sad smile. It was a silent agreement - Hyunseung never asked. There was no point; Junhyung wouldn’t have said anything anyway.
“You sometimes act rashly, who knows what might’ve slipped out of your mouth!”
Dang. Everyone knew Doojoon was right. Gikwang had done mistakes like these before, and they could only thank luck none had been fatal. Sometimes it made them even wonder how Gikwang has survived in this business. But when it came all down to work - he was one of the best at it.
“I would have consulted you guys!”
“That’s what you say now…” Doojoon muttered under his breath. Obviously this had taken a lot of energy from him as he seemed exhausted already before. And that only meant he must’ve had an assignment at night.
Now it was easy to see - at least that’s what Hyunseung had learned already from seeing people dozing off and waking up five minutes later like they had seen a ghost, rubbing their dark eyes some seconds later as they shook their head to get clear view before going back to their original activity. It was so predictable at times that it made him sick. How they can keep up with this?
Gikwang mumbled something else but it seems the argument had stopped now. Now it was only silence while everyone just ate, no one uttering a single word. Some time needed to pass before diverting the topic, it was a known knowledge. Even Dongwoon had gone back to his food, but he still gave out glances to the side.
For once in a long while Hyunseung had never been gladder to hear the bell.
“You’re not going to the class?” A voice sounded above him and he glanced up to see Junhyung casting a shadow on him.
“Free period,” The older only said before slowly packing things together - Yoseob had literally ran off, leaving all the cleaning to him. (“You’re my lifesaver!” he laughed before skipping off with Dongwoon)
“I’d like something from the market, wanna tag along?” Junhyung asked, letting his hand rest on the other’s shoulder. It was weird how much he had started doing this after Hyunseung had snapped at him. Maybe he took it as a inability to let people close and was determined to get rid of it. Whatever it was, Hyunseung only chuckled at it. What a silly boy.
Even though people would conclude that he had a free period also, Hyunseung knew better, it was never like that. “You should get to your class,” he said while closing his eyes for a second as he stretched, feeling his strained muscles get eased again.
The hand stayed for a while before going to the other’s arm and pulled to help Hyunseung on his feet. The younger didn’t mention anything and neither did Hyunseung as he just followed. It was his own business after all. If only that hadn’t meant that Hyunseung was going to skip all later classes also. That was bad news which he didn’t mind avoiding but for some reason he still accepted.
If he only knew what was waiting him ahead.
It was weird how silent Junhyung had gotten. He always had something random to talk about or if he for some reason really didn’t, he would at least work with Hyunseung’s sentences, however boring they were. Junhyung could be counted as a person who disliked unnecessary silence. He wanted something to fill the air and it didn’t matter whose voice it was.
But nothing. Glancing aside Junhyung’s eyes were glued to the ground as he just kept walking, appearing to be deep in thoughts. His hands were also in his pockets, reminding Hyunseung of an old movie he had once watched. Too bad the lead got eaten by a snake later. Well, it was a stupid movie anyway.
What was the most interesting point about this was that Hyunseung felt something bad coming. Something in the deep of his stomach, even at the back of his mind - he didn’t know what it was and it pained him. Even the thought kept floating on the surface and never seemed to disappear, it really was unavoidable. Especially so as his gut feeling was just the same. The way how Junhyung randomly sighed, it certainly made the older anxious.
And he knew he was right - he always was.
The time spent in the shop was even worse. Junhyung must’ve noticed the effects his behavior had so he tried to change it. He kept playing around; a big grin on his face as he tried to slip a box of tampons into the cart Hyunseung had been put in charge of. Why the cart? He had no idea. What he did know was that he didn’t like it not one bit.
Even though the grin was big, Hyunseung couldn’t help but wonder if he was supposed to see the emotion behind it. It puzzled him as why wasn’t the younger trying to hide it. Why was he making it so obvious that something was wrong? The eyes which had tricked him quite a few times before seemed to be easily giving away of Junhyung’s thoughts. And it didn’t seem promising at all - it was full of regret, sorrow, sadness and worry.
All emotions Junhyung always told the other to avoid.
And Hyunseung didn’t seem to get it even though it seemed so obvious. In his mind the knowledge had already been translated but his heart didn’t seem to accept it. It was like on the top of his tongue, but he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t help but slightly freak out. It felt as everyone knew something and only he was kept from the knowledge.
It even stung at some part of his heart when Hyunseung saw the younger’s lips part slightly as if wanting to say something but none came out. It stung when the older spotted Junhyung looking at him at the cashier; it stung especially when he saw his eyes full of something he couldn’t put together. Hyunseung could only think that this pair of orbs should be avoided today. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to.
Junhyung doesn’t say much outside of the shop once again. It was pure heavy silence again, crushing down on Hyunseung’s shoulders - something he hadn’t felt in a long time and due to that felt even worse.
What is going on?
He didn’t find the courage to ask.
And that’s how they parted their ways. No words apart from a single ‘bye’ to which Hyunseung didn’t even bother replying to. Not even a single smile (and no, you do not count the sorrowful smile he saw at the corner of his eyes as he started to turn around).
It was Junhyung who kept looking at his back as he left. And Hyunseung knew it.
The day got even weirder as Hyunseung saw Yoseob sitting in front of his house, on a bench that had long been abandoned by the owners. No one had gotten around to take it away either. It was in a shabby state but it filled its purpose and even gave a nice feeling to the house. Too bad nowadays people have to modernize everything. Why destroy everything old and replace it with as they say ‘boxes’? Where’s the class in that?
And the next second went in a blur. Suddenly Yoseob was hanging on him, arms tightly around as he swung slowly left and right, patting on his back, shushing that everything was all right and that it was going to pass. He was comforting him, just like a mother towards his child who had gone through a tough situation.
Am I slow? Hyunseung doesn’t understand.
“What’s…up?” He asked and the younger removed his grasp, looking at him first in surprise which turned into a sad smile soon after. It irritated him. It was a smile he had seen too much in one day. He didn’t need to be pitied.
“You don’t have to pretend,” Yoseob said as he led Hyunseung back to the bench, letting him sit down before doing so himself quite close as he put his hand on the other’s leg, trying to give off a comforting feeling once again.
Hyunseung was still in the state of confusion but he was given no time to ask anything.
“He can be such a brick at times. Oh my god how guilty I felt as I had been one to push you to this. I can’t even express how sorry I am,” he ended with a whining note in apology which was soon gone as he froze after seeing blank expression on Hyunseung’s face who only blinked.
“Wait…What happened?” Yoseob asked again, fear in his voice but hiding it with his usual tone.
“What is going on?” Hyunseung inquired immediately, “First Junhyung being weird, now you…It’s getting kinda stupid, don’t you think?”
Yoseob looked to the side; it was obvious he would’ve liked to avoid the question, which made another set of chills go along his back. His feelings getting complicated again as his heart finally started to put two and two together. It took time, he couldn’t understand why, but it did. Why did it feel like he was locking it up himself?
But instead of answering Yoseob burst to another set of apologies. “I’m so sorry! I thought he had told you and I came here and hoped you’d be alright and wanted to comfort you as I’m such a good friend but I didn’t know he hadn’t even told you anything. Omg I should’ve told you myself, how could I keep it from you but also I didn’t want to hurt you and I found out about it later and then-“ Yoseob was cut off by Hyunseung’s hand on his shoulder and the younger looked at him with big eyes framed with tears.
And Hyunseung finally got it. He let out a sad smile - something he could now relate to.
This was it. It was awful.
This is how it feels. It hurts.
“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he assured Yoseob, keeping a straight face and emotions under control. Actually, he didn’t even register any feelings as now all the anxiousness had disappeared. The curiosity, the nervousness, the same feeling of strange sorrow - it was all gone, leaving him with nothing but emptiness.
“You sure?” He saw the same set of eyes looking at him, searching for assurance, trying to reach to his soul which was already blocked. And he knew it as his eyes expressed almost all the feelings he had seen in Junhyung’s eyes. Hyunseung felt it to be slightly unbearable so he excused himself before leaving towards the house.
He knew Yoseob had understood his situation and was thankful for letting him go. Hyunseung had never liked people trying to push them in between and trying to comfort. It only made them feel better, not Hyunseung. They only wanted to see him being weak - it was pointless. But it seems that’s another reason why he got along with Yoseob so fine; he was the second person who could understand his every trail of thought even though he didn’t show it out so much.
It was all blank. It felt hollow inside. Again something that was far gone lately.
Hyunseung gave out a pathetic laugh - how could he forget? How could he forget when this feeling had followed him with every step he had made. Every breath he had taken. It was a part of him, and being free from it was only an illusion that could never be true.
And Junhyung had just given him something to cover it up with. Hyunseung only now understood. It wasn’t Junhyung that made him see the better side of life; it was Junhyung who just diverted his thoughts, letting everything else pile up under the radar. And now it was even worse when all those feelings came crashing back at him.
How could I be so ridiculous?
Hyunseung walked up the stairs, arm against the wall in support as he felt his knees not being able to handle it. Rooms were all filled with darkness and he didn’t want anyone to wake up and come ask him questions. He felt too weak and tired. All energy had left him by the time he reached his door. He literally felt it all disappear into the air.
And a sudden memory flashed in front of his eyes - Junhyung opening the door.
It was random, he didn’t even know something like that existed in his memory but nevertheless it had worked like a trigger when he touched the same handle. The touch was brief but it was enough to finally release everything Hyunseung had been building up inside. Everything he had kept hidden - even from himself.
It was way too familiar, how tears filled up his eyes, blurring his sight but he tried to be persistent and keep them open. He felt himself touching his cheek, only noticing it to be soaked with tears. His breath got irregular.
And it didn’t help having random flashbacks with Junhyung in those.
His main goal had been his bed but as he had closed the door his feet started feeling even weaker. He took a step, then stumbled another two before his knees fell to the floor. It hurt but Hyunseung enjoyed it as he let out a laugh of desperation. Why did this all seem so disappointing?
The pain was good. It had felt relaxing, even so that he hit the same floor with his fist, feeling the pain soar through with the same tingly feeling. And the irritation made him take another hit. Now it didn’t even matter if anyone heard or not - they wouldn’t do anything anyway apart from taking a look, saying some words and going back to sleep. So much from being their son.
Another wave of annoyance came over.
Their son.
He never understood why he didn’t call his step-father by his name. Why was he still like a father to him?
I am pathetic.
And this time there is no one to tell me otherwise.
Hyunseung let his upper body crash to the floor also, head getting quite a hit as he felt his hand go up to it in reflex.
It hurt in too many ways. And to add it up, apart from physical pain the emotional pain was even greater, taking over even the smallest parts of sanity he had left for the night. It was eating him inside as he curled up in the middle of the room, not caring about the cold surface pressing to his side. It was one of the few things that he found to have taken extreme liking to.
He felt his tears drop one by one on the floor, his eyes looking at the process of it becoming slowly into a small puddle. It was like him in a way. A drop after a drop, making it even bigger. Just like his own feelings. Why had he gotten involved so deeply? He should’ve taken his own advice and ran. Who knows where, it didn’t matter, he should’ve run.
Too bad it was too late now.
His hair was stuck in his face, his eyes were red and lips were trembling but still holding in all sounds that wanted to escape. No whimpers, not even the slightest notice of his situation. Hyunseung hated hearing his cries.
He was prepared. There was no escape from this - it always came back.
There can never be hope.
He felt his eyes to close slowly and his brain to be shutting down.
Rejection.
Hurts like hell.
Word Count: 4129
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junhyung/Hyunseung
Summary: Two boys meet, each with their own problems. What path has life laid out for them?
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.
A/N: Hi hi ^_^ Is it only me or is my writing style becoming a bit too...I don't know...It seems somehow off, too normal compared to my one-shots? And constructive criticism is always appreciated !!!
And omg how short this chapter seems *cries*
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The morning was unexpectedly usual. Hyunseung tried to shake the younger but the other waved his hand around as trying to hit a fly before pulling it back under the covers. Only after those mere 30 minutes when Hyunseung managed to get himself ready, he finally heard a groan as Junhyung sat up, dragging a hand through hair as he let out a big yawn.
Nothing out of the ordinary at all.
As Hyunseung had already finished preparing for the leave, he just sat on the chair, chin positioned on the back-rest as he eyed the other in front of the mirror who was trying to get his hair under control. He even let out a slight chuckle which didn’t even fell when a glare was sent his way.
“Argh, it’s such a pain!” Junhyung groaned when he finally gave up, going to Hyunseung’s closet and swung the door open before rummaging through it and ignoring the elder’s shriek before he was literally dragged away with a couple of items in his hands. Hyunseung’s perfectly organized closet was in a mess afterwards and he didn’t appreciate it not one bit. On usual occasions he would have thrown something in Junhyung’s way but this time he had nothing in reach.
“But daamn, I still have a bad feeling about my hair…” The younger still complained after coming out of the shower, wearing Hyunseung’s clothes which he had found decent and fitting.
More like what he managed to grab.
And probably it doesn’t even need describing what Hyunseung must’ve felt seeing one of his favorite tank-tops so tightly fit around the other’s chest.
So he looked away, keeping himself busy as the other was drying his hair which was damp enough to have water-droplets run down along his neck and disappear into the shirt. Hyunseung wanted to keep away from such sight, especially as there was danger to zone out again and who knows for how long. Risk it with the younger noticing? He wasn’t going to take the chance.
“I still can’t get it to stay normal. It’s even worse than before. Seriously, what the hell shampoo do you use…” Junhyung complained once again. “See? It’s going to be your fault if I’m being made fun of today…” He ended with a tone that made Hyunseung glance over and scoff. It really was amusing, but that only earned him another glare. Junhyung could be really touchy with some subjects - one of those being his hair. It was still a mystery to the older as of why, but sometimes he thought the younger didn’t even know nor notice it himself.
Hyunseung only shook his head as he stood up and walked over to the other who immediately closed his mouth, stopping the wave of complaints he had in midway. The older tended to be slightly unpredictable at times, making Junhyung cautious as he didn’t dare to say anything else. He only looked at Hyunseung whose attention was on his hair instead, hands coming up to it and Junhyung could feel a second later him messing around.
It was calming. It felt safe.
Usually he wouldn’t have let anyone touch his hair but right then he sat in silence as the other worked, only able to look up from his seat to see a warm smile lying on the other’s lips, accompanied with a similar glint in his eyes. These were the moments Junhyung liked, the older letting his caring side show, compared to the usual shield he held up.
At times like these Junhyung could feel himself not only physically close but also mentally.
“Ah, you’re such a kid,” Hyunseung said as he removed his hands after having managed to ‘work wonders’ with Junhyung’s hair as the latter said so himself later. This was the first time when he locked eyes with the other, only noticing him looking back and he diverted his gaze instead. Trying to avoid eye-contact was harder than he had originally thought as it just kept happening even more now.
Poke.
“Heeey, why the blush~,” the younger teased as he gave another poke between the other’s ribs who immediately stepped back, going to gather his things without any words, leaving Junhyung sit there with a smile tinted with a bit of maliciousness.
Hyunseung hated his teasing. It only made him confused as at times Junhyung just knew what to say to embarrass him, just like knowing his feelings. But at times it was still so unbelievable as he seemed totally oblivious considering his actions. And for once Hyunseung couldn’t detect if it was acting or not. And this irritated him even more as he had no escape. This seemed like a horrible fate that he was stuck with.
Well, horrible is a bit over-exaggerated but Hyunseung is Hyunseung.
“Let’s get going,” Hyunseung hit the younger against his head as he passed, heading for the door, the other following soon after with a knowing smirk.
The whole day promised to be one ordinary school-day. And like every day it also had its bad points - today it was PE class. Well, it was a heaven for girls as the males paraded around without shirts but it was bad for Hyunseung as he had another lesson free in the middle of the day, making him really tempted to skip the later ones also and go home. It wasn’t a good idea though as he had enough miss-notes already, making the homeroom teacher literally threaten him with a call home.
And that wasn’t even an option he could allow.
Luckily for PE lesson he got a passing slip from the nurse like ever so often. He even remembered all the hard work he had put into it, even though being so un-confident and looking like he had been at the time, he tried to get on better terms with her. And it had worked. Slowly, but the target had been reached. Now the only problem was her slight obsession after Hyunseung’s style-change. She even asked for his number which Hyunseung managed to politely avoid.
So as he thought what to do with his free time after lunch he sat down next to Yoseob and by now, the familiar other 5 students too. The more days passed the more comfortable it had gotten. Even until the extent that he even wanted to see them though they didn’t talk that much apart from the small hi’s in the hallways and sometimes even chats outside of school.
It’s weird how everything becomes so usual that you can’t even remember how you had lived before.
Something gained his attention and he silenced his hi as Yoseob shushed by raising a finger on his lips. The situation seemed quite interesting as most of them just ate their lunch in silence as two others kept arguing, each of them showing no signs of giving up while sentences were thrown like rocks. Not an unusual sight but not an ordinary one either.
And of course there was one lost bunny between them who just didn’t even dare to make a sound as he just looked back and forth as being in fault. It was easy to see he was still young. How much boys can grow with summer, it’s quite interesting.
“I’m telling you for the hundredth time, how was I supposed to know?” Doojoon’s voice expressed how tired he must’ve been and also how pointless the argument was, making Hyunseung ease up immediately.
He sat down silently and his eyes met with Junhyung’s who only let out a slight smile, confirming the fact it really was pointless. He expected nothing less as Doojoon had always hated silly arguments, especially when the other side just kept going, giving him no chance to explain nor a try to understand. But he was also stubborn which didn’t let him ignore it either. So a dead-end situation it was.
It seems it had also got something to do with pride, considering he was the oldest and most respected.
“But you should’ve talked to me before!” Gikwang exclaimed, hands doing a weird gesture as if it helped him to explain his emotions and words better. Which of course was just laugh-worthy as everyone else who wasn’t participating in this tried to hold back their snickers, earning a tired groan from Doojoon.
“But you always gave out a feeling that you had told him everything already!” Doojoon shot back, agitating Gikwang even more even though the difference wasn’t seeable anymore. It wasn’t as if he was angry, his agitation came out in a form of just repeating his words and complaining among it.
“But even Hyunseung doesn’t know! How could I let Dongwoon in then?!” Gikwang said immediately, giving Doojoon a look which couldn’t be described.
It was true though. Thinking about it, Junhyung never mentioned any details, always said he had to go after receiving a weird phone-call. Even worse was when it happened in the middle of the night when Junhyung apologized and stroked his hair before gathering things and leaving with a sad smile. It was a silent agreement - Hyunseung never asked. There was no point; Junhyung wouldn’t have said anything anyway.
“You sometimes act rashly, who knows what might’ve slipped out of your mouth!”
Dang. Everyone knew Doojoon was right. Gikwang had done mistakes like these before, and they could only thank luck none had been fatal. Sometimes it made them even wonder how Gikwang has survived in this business. But when it came all down to work - he was one of the best at it.
“I would have consulted you guys!”
“That’s what you say now…” Doojoon muttered under his breath. Obviously this had taken a lot of energy from him as he seemed exhausted already before. And that only meant he must’ve had an assignment at night.
Now it was easy to see - at least that’s what Hyunseung had learned already from seeing people dozing off and waking up five minutes later like they had seen a ghost, rubbing their dark eyes some seconds later as they shook their head to get clear view before going back to their original activity. It was so predictable at times that it made him sick. How they can keep up with this?
Gikwang mumbled something else but it seems the argument had stopped now. Now it was only silence while everyone just ate, no one uttering a single word. Some time needed to pass before diverting the topic, it was a known knowledge. Even Dongwoon had gone back to his food, but he still gave out glances to the side.
For once in a long while Hyunseung had never been gladder to hear the bell.
“You’re not going to the class?” A voice sounded above him and he glanced up to see Junhyung casting a shadow on him.
“Free period,” The older only said before slowly packing things together - Yoseob had literally ran off, leaving all the cleaning to him. (“You’re my lifesaver!” he laughed before skipping off with Dongwoon)
“I’d like something from the market, wanna tag along?” Junhyung asked, letting his hand rest on the other’s shoulder. It was weird how much he had started doing this after Hyunseung had snapped at him. Maybe he took it as a inability to let people close and was determined to get rid of it. Whatever it was, Hyunseung only chuckled at it. What a silly boy.
Even though people would conclude that he had a free period also, Hyunseung knew better, it was never like that. “You should get to your class,” he said while closing his eyes for a second as he stretched, feeling his strained muscles get eased again.
The hand stayed for a while before going to the other’s arm and pulled to help Hyunseung on his feet. The younger didn’t mention anything and neither did Hyunseung as he just followed. It was his own business after all. If only that hadn’t meant that Hyunseung was going to skip all later classes also. That was bad news which he didn’t mind avoiding but for some reason he still accepted.
If he only knew what was waiting him ahead.
It was weird how silent Junhyung had gotten. He always had something random to talk about or if he for some reason really didn’t, he would at least work with Hyunseung’s sentences, however boring they were. Junhyung could be counted as a person who disliked unnecessary silence. He wanted something to fill the air and it didn’t matter whose voice it was.
But nothing. Glancing aside Junhyung’s eyes were glued to the ground as he just kept walking, appearing to be deep in thoughts. His hands were also in his pockets, reminding Hyunseung of an old movie he had once watched. Too bad the lead got eaten by a snake later. Well, it was a stupid movie anyway.
What was the most interesting point about this was that Hyunseung felt something bad coming. Something in the deep of his stomach, even at the back of his mind - he didn’t know what it was and it pained him. Even the thought kept floating on the surface and never seemed to disappear, it really was unavoidable. Especially so as his gut feeling was just the same. The way how Junhyung randomly sighed, it certainly made the older anxious.
And he knew he was right - he always was.
The time spent in the shop was even worse. Junhyung must’ve noticed the effects his behavior had so he tried to change it. He kept playing around; a big grin on his face as he tried to slip a box of tampons into the cart Hyunseung had been put in charge of. Why the cart? He had no idea. What he did know was that he didn’t like it not one bit.
Even though the grin was big, Hyunseung couldn’t help but wonder if he was supposed to see the emotion behind it. It puzzled him as why wasn’t the younger trying to hide it. Why was he making it so obvious that something was wrong? The eyes which had tricked him quite a few times before seemed to be easily giving away of Junhyung’s thoughts. And it didn’t seem promising at all - it was full of regret, sorrow, sadness and worry.
All emotions Junhyung always told the other to avoid.
And Hyunseung didn’t seem to get it even though it seemed so obvious. In his mind the knowledge had already been translated but his heart didn’t seem to accept it. It was like on the top of his tongue, but he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t help but slightly freak out. It felt as everyone knew something and only he was kept from the knowledge.
It even stung at some part of his heart when Hyunseung saw the younger’s lips part slightly as if wanting to say something but none came out. It stung when the older spotted Junhyung looking at him at the cashier; it stung especially when he saw his eyes full of something he couldn’t put together. Hyunseung could only think that this pair of orbs should be avoided today. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to.
Junhyung doesn’t say much outside of the shop once again. It was pure heavy silence again, crushing down on Hyunseung’s shoulders - something he hadn’t felt in a long time and due to that felt even worse.
What is going on?
He didn’t find the courage to ask.
And that’s how they parted their ways. No words apart from a single ‘bye’ to which Hyunseung didn’t even bother replying to. Not even a single smile (and no, you do not count the sorrowful smile he saw at the corner of his eyes as he started to turn around).
It was Junhyung who kept looking at his back as he left. And Hyunseung knew it.
The day got even weirder as Hyunseung saw Yoseob sitting in front of his house, on a bench that had long been abandoned by the owners. No one had gotten around to take it away either. It was in a shabby state but it filled its purpose and even gave a nice feeling to the house. Too bad nowadays people have to modernize everything. Why destroy everything old and replace it with as they say ‘boxes’? Where’s the class in that?
And the next second went in a blur. Suddenly Yoseob was hanging on him, arms tightly around as he swung slowly left and right, patting on his back, shushing that everything was all right and that it was going to pass. He was comforting him, just like a mother towards his child who had gone through a tough situation.
Am I slow? Hyunseung doesn’t understand.
“What’s…up?” He asked and the younger removed his grasp, looking at him first in surprise which turned into a sad smile soon after. It irritated him. It was a smile he had seen too much in one day. He didn’t need to be pitied.
“You don’t have to pretend,” Yoseob said as he led Hyunseung back to the bench, letting him sit down before doing so himself quite close as he put his hand on the other’s leg, trying to give off a comforting feeling once again.
Hyunseung was still in the state of confusion but he was given no time to ask anything.
“He can be such a brick at times. Oh my god how guilty I felt as I had been one to push you to this. I can’t even express how sorry I am,” he ended with a whining note in apology which was soon gone as he froze after seeing blank expression on Hyunseung’s face who only blinked.
“Wait…What happened?” Yoseob asked again, fear in his voice but hiding it with his usual tone.
“What is going on?” Hyunseung inquired immediately, “First Junhyung being weird, now you…It’s getting kinda stupid, don’t you think?”
Yoseob looked to the side; it was obvious he would’ve liked to avoid the question, which made another set of chills go along his back. His feelings getting complicated again as his heart finally started to put two and two together. It took time, he couldn’t understand why, but it did. Why did it feel like he was locking it up himself?
But instead of answering Yoseob burst to another set of apologies. “I’m so sorry! I thought he had told you and I came here and hoped you’d be alright and wanted to comfort you as I’m such a good friend but I didn’t know he hadn’t even told you anything. Omg I should’ve told you myself, how could I keep it from you but also I didn’t want to hurt you and I found out about it later and then-“ Yoseob was cut off by Hyunseung’s hand on his shoulder and the younger looked at him with big eyes framed with tears.
And Hyunseung finally got it. He let out a sad smile - something he could now relate to.
This was it. It was awful.
This is how it feels. It hurts.
“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he assured Yoseob, keeping a straight face and emotions under control. Actually, he didn’t even register any feelings as now all the anxiousness had disappeared. The curiosity, the nervousness, the same feeling of strange sorrow - it was all gone, leaving him with nothing but emptiness.
“You sure?” He saw the same set of eyes looking at him, searching for assurance, trying to reach to his soul which was already blocked. And he knew it as his eyes expressed almost all the feelings he had seen in Junhyung’s eyes. Hyunseung felt it to be slightly unbearable so he excused himself before leaving towards the house.
He knew Yoseob had understood his situation and was thankful for letting him go. Hyunseung had never liked people trying to push them in between and trying to comfort. It only made them feel better, not Hyunseung. They only wanted to see him being weak - it was pointless. But it seems that’s another reason why he got along with Yoseob so fine; he was the second person who could understand his every trail of thought even though he didn’t show it out so much.
It was all blank. It felt hollow inside. Again something that was far gone lately.
Hyunseung gave out a pathetic laugh - how could he forget? How could he forget when this feeling had followed him with every step he had made. Every breath he had taken. It was a part of him, and being free from it was only an illusion that could never be true.
And Junhyung had just given him something to cover it up with. Hyunseung only now understood. It wasn’t Junhyung that made him see the better side of life; it was Junhyung who just diverted his thoughts, letting everything else pile up under the radar. And now it was even worse when all those feelings came crashing back at him.
How could I be so ridiculous?
Hyunseung walked up the stairs, arm against the wall in support as he felt his knees not being able to handle it. Rooms were all filled with darkness and he didn’t want anyone to wake up and come ask him questions. He felt too weak and tired. All energy had left him by the time he reached his door. He literally felt it all disappear into the air.
And a sudden memory flashed in front of his eyes - Junhyung opening the door.
It was random, he didn’t even know something like that existed in his memory but nevertheless it had worked like a trigger when he touched the same handle. The touch was brief but it was enough to finally release everything Hyunseung had been building up inside. Everything he had kept hidden - even from himself.
It was way too familiar, how tears filled up his eyes, blurring his sight but he tried to be persistent and keep them open. He felt himself touching his cheek, only noticing it to be soaked with tears. His breath got irregular.
And it didn’t help having random flashbacks with Junhyung in those.
His main goal had been his bed but as he had closed the door his feet started feeling even weaker. He took a step, then stumbled another two before his knees fell to the floor. It hurt but Hyunseung enjoyed it as he let out a laugh of desperation. Why did this all seem so disappointing?
The pain was good. It had felt relaxing, even so that he hit the same floor with his fist, feeling the pain soar through with the same tingly feeling. And the irritation made him take another hit. Now it didn’t even matter if anyone heard or not - they wouldn’t do anything anyway apart from taking a look, saying some words and going back to sleep. So much from being their son.
Another wave of annoyance came over.
Their son.
He never understood why he didn’t call his step-father by his name. Why was he still like a father to him?
I am pathetic.
And this time there is no one to tell me otherwise.
Hyunseung let his upper body crash to the floor also, head getting quite a hit as he felt his hand go up to it in reflex.
It hurt in too many ways. And to add it up, apart from physical pain the emotional pain was even greater, taking over even the smallest parts of sanity he had left for the night. It was eating him inside as he curled up in the middle of the room, not caring about the cold surface pressing to his side. It was one of the few things that he found to have taken extreme liking to.
He felt his tears drop one by one on the floor, his eyes looking at the process of it becoming slowly into a small puddle. It was like him in a way. A drop after a drop, making it even bigger. Just like his own feelings. Why had he gotten involved so deeply? He should’ve taken his own advice and ran. Who knows where, it didn’t matter, he should’ve run.
Too bad it was too late now.
His hair was stuck in his face, his eyes were red and lips were trembling but still holding in all sounds that wanted to escape. No whimpers, not even the slightest notice of his situation. Hyunseung hated hearing his cries.
He was prepared. There was no escape from this - it always came back.
There can never be hope.
He felt his eyes to close slowly and his brain to be shutting down.
Rejection.
Hurts like hell.