*N Sync, Here we are.
Title: Here we are
Series: The Story of Us (V.2.0)
Rating: PG.
Pairing: Choey. Chris/Howie.
Disclaimer: I have nothing to do at all with *N Sync, Backstreet Boys, their families or associates. The following story is a fiction work, loosely based on their public personalities but any actual resemblance to them is just a coincidence. No harm intended, no profit made. The story is just for the fans enjoyment and not a single word of it is true.
Notes: AU. Betaed, as usual, by the talented team of milosflaca who still cheers for Howie on this, despite the fact that she agrees he was an ass, pensnest who patiently walks me through the passive voice abuse, and evilshelly who doesn’t let any comma go unchecked. None of them are to blame for any mistake found on the fic.
Summary: Chris-less *N Sync. Chris and Howie talk again.
* * * * *
Pasadena, California. Early June 2000
Joey was nervous, there was no denying it.
It didn’t effect his performance during the concerts. But Joey shot into the air every time the phone rang, ever since they had met up with Chris at the Orlando concerts.
Lance waited six days after the movie awards before he talked to Joey. In the mean time, he restrained himself and didn’t call Molly because, even though he knew that she probably had more information about what had happened, he wanted to respect Joey’s privacy.
Even if did have he had a couple of theories about what had happened to make Joey so jumpy.
Eventually, Lance couldn’t wait any longer, so he took advantage of the fact that they were sharing the two-man bus.
“Chris will join us in less than four days,” Lance commented, as he turned off his laptop. There had been little to do that day, so he had been mostly just reading his personal emails. When Joey turned to look sharply at him, with the expression of a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his mouth, Lance knew he was on the right track. “Maybe it would be a good time to tell JC and Justin about your interest in him.”
“I don’t know,” Joey said quickly, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t think Chris will appreciate that.”
“JC and Justin know Chris is gay, Joey,” Lance said, looking at his friend. Joey wasn’t meeting his eyes and there was the faintest trace of red on his skin. He was blushing. “It would be hard to miss, after we’ve met two of his exes.”
“But what if JC blames him for this?” Joey asked, and Lance had to control himself from laughing.
“I highly doubt JC will blame Chris for your sudden bi-ness. Unless, of course, he caught you two kissing on the bus.”
Joey’s eyes grew wide as all the blood rushed from his face, in a way that was almost comical. Lance smiled to himself. Bingo.
“How did you know that?” Joey demanded, but he didn’t sound exactly angry, so Lance let him vent. “Do you have cameras in our hotel rooms or something? Because that’s the only way you could have known Chris and I kissed.”
“Not the only way.” Lance was making an effort not to laugh. “I simply waited until you told me. So, you kissed him. That was probably not a good idea.”
“You didn’t…” Joey began, then waved his hands, resigned. “Never mind. JC almost caught us, but I don’t think he saw anything, because he didn’t mention it after Chris left.”
“Well, then. What’s the problem?”
“That Chris said we should talk. And we haven’t, because now he doesn’t have time. And I think I need to know where I stand with Chris before I start making any announcements, don’t you think?”
“You’re not announcing your wedding, Joey. You’re just telling your friends that you happen to find men as attractive as you find women,” Lance chuckled. “But do whatever you think is best. It’s not as if it isn’t obvious that you care for Chris. At least not to someone who knows what to look for.”
* * *
Orlando, Florida, 2000. Late June.
Chris closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Howard had invited him over for dinner to celebrate that Chris had finally finished recording his tracks, and that Jive was picking up the first single. The last three weeks had passed too fast, with Chris flying from Albany to Orlando on Friday nights, and back again on Sundays in order to be ready for school. School had become a little complicated for Chris, once the rumors of his impending debut started circulating the hallways. And while Chris was ready to resume their friendship, there was something about Howard’s attitude that was making him nervous.
And then there was Joey.
Chris hadn’t really stopped thinking about Joey and the brief. almost, kiss they had shared. Joey was interested, he was interested, but there was the nagging feeling in Chris’s head telling him that he had been down this path before.
Joey couldn’t afford to be out. Just like Daniel, and Howard.
Chris didn’t want to compare Joey to either of his ex-lovers, but he couldn’t avoid it.
It was the same path, after all.
And part of him wanted to go down that path, to find out if it would end up the same way as the last two times, or if, finally, he could have a happy ending. Because Joey was different from Daniel and Howard; Joey wasn’t pushing, wasn’t pressuring and wasn’t asking for anything.
They even had agreed it was a bad idea before kissing.
Chris was truthful to himself. Even if the brief contact had left his lips tingling for a long time, he knew that the timing of the situation had to be considered. He had just broken up with Daniel when he had met Joey.
Just after meting Joey, he had met Howard again, and all those feelings he had tried to keep bottled inside had come rushing back to him.
To the point with which he couldn’t really say if he was truly over Howard.
So he hadn’t called Joey since that night at his hotel. Chris didn’t want to talk to him until he had sorted out his feelings for Howard. It wouldn’t be fair to Joey to be used as another attempt to forget Howard.
All this was going through his mind as he knocked on Howard’s door, praying that he would find an answer to his doubts.
* * *
Howie was perfecting the last details of his plan when he heard the door bell.
He took a deep breath before leaving the kitchen. He could do this, and he knew it. He could seduce Chris, convince Chris to give him another chance, and since Chris didn’t fool around, didn’t even look around, when he was with someone, that would take care of Joey Fatone.
Howie knew that he wasn’t the only man who could love Chris. Quite the contrary; he knew that Chris was easy to love.
What was not easy, was dealing with the consequences of being loved by Chris, because Chris loved with all his heart, and expected nothing less in return.
He opened his eyes and looked straight into the decorative mirror in front of him.
Was he ready to give his all to Chris? He didn’t know. He was willing to try, though, and to have that chance, he needed to win Chris over now.
Calmer now, he checked that his hair was perfect and opened the door.
“Hi, Chris. You’re early,” he said, smiling. Chris looked great, even better than the last time they had seen each other. Sure, Howie knew that part of the credit went to Jive’s image consultants, who had been grooming and perfecting Chris’s look for the past two weeks. Mostly, though, Chris was just gorgeous. He was wearing dark brown pants and a red turtleneck sweater; his hair had purple highlights that shone under the door lights. He was also wearing one silver hoop in his left ear, something that made Howie smile. He hadn’t seen Chris with earrings since college.
“Do I look that bad?” Chris asked, but he was smiling and Howie realized that he had been staring.
“Exactly the opposite,” Howie answered, almost reaching out to touch the earring and stopping just in time. “You weren’t wearing that last time I saw you.”
Chris reached up to touch the small silver hoop and smiled. “Theresa noticed the hole when we were doing some photo shoot. I stopped wearing earrings when I started teaching, but mom was right: it never really closed. Can I come in, or are we going out?”
“Come in, please.” Howie smiled, moving aside, so Chris could pass. “Dinner is almost ready.”
“You cooked?” Chris turned sharply to look at him, and Howie cursed internally. Chris knew him. Chris knew his techniques.
Subtle seduction didn’t work that well if the object of said seduction was aware of the seducer’s plans, Howie thought to himself as Chris took a seat in the living room.
“Yeah, well, I wanted to do something different, to celebrate the start of your career,” Howie said, closing the door. He wasn’t looking at Chris, though. He didn’t want his eyes to betray his feelings.
“You did?” Chris’s tone was skeptical, and for a moment Howie figured everything had been ruined. But then, Chris chuckled. “I think you’re maybe jumping the gun a little. There’s no guarantee this is going to work.”
“It will work if you give it a chance.” Howie tried again, raising his head to look at the ceiling. Chris had been more assertive in college, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with an insecure Chris. “And from what I saw, you already have a small fan base. Didn’t you play every weekend at that place in Albany?”
“You only saw one of my shows, Howard. And it wasn’t exactly one of my best ones.”
“If that one wasn’t one of your best, then I can bet you’ll be successful.” Howie walked into the living room, and sat down in front of Chris. “Opening for *N Sync will give you the exposure you need, but the talent is all yours.”
“Flatterer.”
“I’m just telling the truth.” Howie shrugged. “And for once, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been through this, remember?”
Chris didn’t answer immediately, choosing to look at his clasped hands. Howie mentally kicked himself. He had wanted to reassure Chris, not to make him feel uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry,” he hurried to add. “I didn’t mean to brag.”
“No, no. It’s ok.” Chris smiled, and Howie could see in his eyes that it really was ok. “It’s just that everything is happening really fast. I don’t know how you or Justin did it. I keep thinking I’m going insane.”
“You already were insane, it’s part of your charm,” Howie joked before turning serious again. “Look, despite what I said, I don’t know how *N Sync did it, but I know how it was for the Boys and me. You just have to keep your friends close, and everything will be all right.”
“That would be wonderful advice if I was starting a group, but I’m not.” Chris closed his eyes. “I feel like I’m about to jump into the ocean without knowing how to swim.”
You have me, Howie wanted to say. But he knew it was the wrong thing to say, and so he just served Chris a cup of tea before saying words he was sure he would regret later, if his plan didn’t work out.
“You’ll have Justin and the guys with you,” Howie said. “I think, no, I’m sure they’ll help you any way they can.”
The small smile that appeared on Chris’s lips made Howie’s heart lurch painfully, but he managed not to show it.
“I guess so,” Chris said, and met Howie’s eyes. When he looked up, the traces of that secret smile were gone. “And I suppose I could call you, if I suddenly find myself completely lost, right?”
“I will kick your ass if you don’t,” Howie answered, truthfully. He shook his head. “You can probably count on Kevin and Nick too. Nick made my life a living hell until I realized I had to apologize to you, and Kevin did drive three hours to make it happen so yeah, I think they can be added to your ‘friend’ list.”
“How is everything going for you?” Chris asked, changing the subject just a little. Howie grinned.
“Pretty well. The charity auction is almost ready, and I think we’ll get a lot of money for research. Kevin is getting married this month, so any promotional stuff will be handled by the rest of us, but mostly? We’re getting ready for October.”
Chris nodded as he drank his tea, and Howie let himself hope.
Maybe it wasn’t too late to get Chris back, after all.
* * *
Dinner was delicious. Chris had to admit that Howard had gotten a lot better in the kitchen in six years since they’ve been together. Especially, when he remembered that the first time Howard had cooked for him, on their one month anniversary, they had ended up going to a nearby Mexican restaurant, since Howard had managed to burn their dinner to unrecognizable black lumps.
During dinner, they talked about everything that was not important. Their memories of college, their mutual friends, the fact that their musical tastes were no longer polar opposites, and the latest movies they had seen.
Nothing dangerous. Nothing that would open the can of worms that Chris was sure would explode sooner or later.
Chris only summoned enough courage to talk about their present situation when they were back in the living room, after dinner.
“I finally watched some of your videos,” he said, after a comfortable silence. “An intern at Jive loaned me a tape.”
“Really?” Howard’s face lit up with a smile. “Why did you do that?”
“Well, I had already seen most of *N Sync, thanks to my sisters, I figured, why not? They were interesting.”
“You hated them.”
“I’m not saying that,” Chris laughed. “The last one was bizarre, though.”
“The last one…” Howard frowned for a moment, an expression Chris recognized all too well. Howard was trying to remember which one was their last video. And then he was laughing. “Oh, sure. You would remember that one.”
“You did a pretty good job of acting like a stalker. For a second there I thought you lusted after your friend Nick,” Chris said truthfully. Watching Howard on the screen, looking at Nick like that had been unsettling. Especially since he remembered seeing that look directed at him.
“I had good inspiration,” Howard answered. And of course, they were no longer on safe ground. Howard was directing that same look at Chris right at that moment. “And before you ask, no, I wasn’t thinking about Nick.”
“You taped that one before you went to Albany, so don’t even try to pretend you were thinking about me,” Chris warned, leaving his cup on the table. “Besides, that would be a lame line.”
“I haven’t needed a line in a long time, sorry, I’m out of practice.” Howard shrugged, and Chris chuckled. If Howard was willing to make as if it had just been a joke, Chris could pretend the same. After all, even though Chris knew that Howard used making dinner as a seduction technique, nothing of the sort had happened. Maybe Howard had changed, and Chris was just being paranoid.
“It must be nice, to be able to say ‘I’m a Backstreet Boy’ just to get a date,” Chris agreed. “Only, I don’t think I could use that. At least, not to get the kind of dates I want.”
“You would be surprised,” Howard said, serving him more tea. “We have a lot of male fans.”
“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?” Chris asked, thinking more about Joey and that night at the Little Cabaret, than about Howard.
* * *
“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?”
Howie closed his eyes, considering the question. He knew that his answer would be crucial to his plan, especially taking in Chris’s issues about secrecy into account.
Finally, he settled on answering with the truth.
“I don’t know. I haven’t had a male lover since I left you.”
Chris stayed silent for a minute, and Howie feared that he’d said the wrong thing, but it was the truth. After leaving Chris, everything with the group had happened so fast, and he hadn’t met anyone worth the risk. He hadn’t dated much, having only a few one night stands with women.
It had been better for him. At least, it had seemed so, at the time.
“Any girlfriends?” Chris finally asked, and it looked as if he was genuinely curious.
“Besides ‘Christina’?” Howie joked, and was rewarded when Chris laughed. “Not really. I don’t have time to really meet anyone. I went out with a couple of girls, but it never went past a third date. I’m single and free.”
“How are you going to fix that?” Chris looked amused, so Howie relaxed. Things were back on track.
“Maybe I don’t want to fix it. It would be a good cover,” he began saying, scooting closer to Chris. “If you want.”
“Howard, I don’t think-” Chris started to say, but Howie raised his hand, asking him to stay quiet for a moment.
“Please, Chris just give me one more chance. I’ve changed, you know it.” As he spoke, Howie moved even closer to Chris. He was aware that he was risking everything, but he knew he had no choice. It was now or never. “We were good together.”
“Yes, but-” Howie chose not to hear the ‘but’, and closed the small distance between them, kissing Chris tenderly with all the emotion he felt at that moment.
At first, Chris didn’t react, but when Howie used his tongue to tease his lips open, Chris started to kiss him back. For a moment, it was as if they were still in college, before Howie had been stupid enough to throw away what they had, before the Backstreet Boys, before Joey.
And it didn’t matter that Howie had seen the signs that Chris was, at minimum, infatuated with Joey Fatone. It didn’t matter that Howie was sure that Joey wasn’t immune to Chris’s charms. Chris was with him now, kissing him, almost as passionately as Howie was kissing Chris, and the rest of the world could disappear, as long as they could stay as they were.
For a moment, a very brief moment, Chris even added to the kiss, hugging Howie close to his body, teasing him, as he used to do in college. For that brief moment, Howie could even make himself believe that everything would work out fine.
He believed that he could win Chris back.
But when Howie tried to deepen the kiss, his left hand well inside Chris’s shirt, he realized that Chris had put up his hand against his chest, not to draw him nearer, but to ask him to stop.
Drawing every bit of will power he had, Howie stopped and straightened, looking deep into Chris’s eyes.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It wasn’t just you. I could have stopped you sooner,” Chris muttered, not looking at him.
Yes, Chris could have stopped him and Howie knew it. But, even though he couldn’t fool himself into thinking that Chris hadn’t stopped the kiss because, deep down he loved him, the truth was that he had taken advantage of the fact that he knew Chris, and he knew that he was a very physical man, that had been alone for at least a month and was longing for contact.
Howie felt the acid taste of defeat in his mouth. He had taken advantage of Chris’s loneliness, just to help his plan of a perfect moment to kiss his ex with no interruptions or mistakes, and it had failed completely. He knew his ex well enough to know that if Chris really hadn’t wanted to be kissed, Howie would have been picking his teeth from the floor. It was because, as hot as the kiss had been, Howie could tell that Chris hadn’t been into it. Not until the very end.
He was too late.
The kiss had been a goodbye.
“I guess I was too late, right?” he finally said, closing his eyes. “And maybe it was too little effort from me?”
“No, it’s not that, Howard.” Chris shook his head. “It’s just not that. Our moment has passed. That’s all.”
“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.” Howie took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to mention Joey; it wasn’t his place. “And I was just hoping I was wrong. But I wasn’t, was I?”
“No, you weren’t wrong,” Chris admitted, looking at him. “I’m sorry, Howard.”
“Don’t be. It’s my fault, really, for disappearing all those years ago.” Howie sighed. “Do you think we can still be friends after all this? I’ll understand if I’ve burnt my bridges…”
“I meant it when I said I wanted to try to keep your friendship, Howard,” Chris said, smiling at him. “I guess we’ll just have to try.”
Howie nodded. He could admit defeat, even if it tasted sour in his mouth. But right then, he swore that if he ever got a second chance, he wouldn’t waste it.
* * *
Chris returned to Joey’s house, a little after midnight.
Almost on automatic, he went straight to the guestroom, where he had been staying and lay down on bed, closing his eyes.
Howard had kissed him.
Howard, whom he had dreamed about so many nights in the last six years, who had been his lover for almost two years, who had never once, during all of those two years, initiated any of their sexual encounters, had kissed him.
For a moment there, with Howard’s lips on his, tasting Howard’s mouth that, as always had the faintest tang of black tea (not surprisingly, Howard practically lived on the stuff), he had let himself be lost in the moment. The moment he had been sure would never come again, not after six years.
Howard had kissed him.
But, during the kiss, just as he felt Howard’s hands against his chest and under his shirt, he had remembered the feel of another kiss. A much more insecure kiss, one that hadn’t been initiated by anyone. One that had just happened.
Joey’s kiss.
Howard was his past, and as much as Chris had entertained what ifs, and daydreams about him, it was better if he stayed in the past. Better for Chris, and better for Howard. Because they had already gone down that path, and Chris knew that no matter how much Howard had changed, they would end up hurting each other.
Knowing that Howard hadn’t had any other male lovers, not since he left Chris, was confusing; it was flattering, in one way, and Chris couldn’t deny that. But at the same time, it was the proof that Chris needed to know that Howard wasn’t ready to give Chris what he wanted. Because Howard had told him that the reason why he hadn’t had any male lovers was because it was simply more convenient.
Even if Chris didn’t have the memory of Joey’s kiss, trying to rekindle his romance with Howard would have been a bad idea.
“I guess I was too late, right? And maybe, it was too little effort from me?”
Chris wished he could’ve told Howard he was wrong, but it had really been too late. Six years too late, in fact, but it hadn’t been too little effort. Chris knew that Howard was uncomfortable taking the initiative. He knew that Howard liked it when people pursued him. This time, Howard had made the effort, he had done the pursuing. Chris knew it was a big thing for him.
But still, too late.
“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.”
Chris had wanted to deny it. To tell Howard that there was no one else, that it was just a question of time. But he hadn’t been able to lie, not even to himself.
He liked Joey.
He really liked Joey. And he knew that Joey was interested in him.
Looking up at the ceiling of Joey’s house, he took out the present that Howard had given him for good luck.
The silver necklace that he had given Howard back just a month ago, the same one that Howard had given him as a gift when they had been lovers.
“Take it with you, Chris, please,” Howard had said, giving him the necklace. “It was for you, all the time.”
“Howard, I can’t accept it. We’re not-”
“Not like before. The first time I gave it to you, it was a gift to my lover. This time… This time is my gift to a friend. For new beginnings.”
Chris had smiled then, and he accepted the necklace, without putting it on. “For new beginnings.”
If he was sincere, now he felt true closure with Howard. He now could lay all those ‘what ifs’ that had plagued his dreams to rest.
It left the door open to the future. A future with Joey? He could hope. There were worse possibilities. For the first time in his life, Chris was truly uncertain of what the next day would bring.
And there were too many things in his future now. There was the possibility of something with Joey. There was all that his new career could offer him and his sisters. Now, everything was possible.
The open road before him.
It scared Chris a little, if he had to tell the truth.
So many possibilities, lying in front of him, were waiting to be discovered.
To be Continued...
Series: The Story of Us (V.2.0)
Rating: PG.
Pairing: Choey. Chris/Howie.
Disclaimer: I have nothing to do at all with *N Sync, Backstreet Boys, their families or associates. The following story is a fiction work, loosely based on their public personalities but any actual resemblance to them is just a coincidence. No harm intended, no profit made. The story is just for the fans enjoyment and not a single word of it is true.
Notes: AU. Betaed, as usual, by the talented team of milosflaca who still cheers for Howie on this, despite the fact that she agrees he was an ass, pensnest who patiently walks me through the passive voice abuse, and evilshelly who doesn’t let any comma go unchecked. None of them are to blame for any mistake found on the fic.
Summary: Chris-less *N Sync. Chris and Howie talk again.
* * * * *
Pasadena, California. Early June 2000
Joey was nervous, there was no denying it.
It didn’t effect his performance during the concerts. But Joey shot into the air every time the phone rang, ever since they had met up with Chris at the Orlando concerts.
Lance waited six days after the movie awards before he talked to Joey. In the mean time, he restrained himself and didn’t call Molly because, even though he knew that she probably had more information about what had happened, he wanted to respect Joey’s privacy.
Even if did have he had a couple of theories about what had happened to make Joey so jumpy.
Eventually, Lance couldn’t wait any longer, so he took advantage of the fact that they were sharing the two-man bus.
“Chris will join us in less than four days,” Lance commented, as he turned off his laptop. There had been little to do that day, so he had been mostly just reading his personal emails. When Joey turned to look sharply at him, with the expression of a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his mouth, Lance knew he was on the right track. “Maybe it would be a good time to tell JC and Justin about your interest in him.”
“I don’t know,” Joey said quickly, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t think Chris will appreciate that.”
“JC and Justin know Chris is gay, Joey,” Lance said, looking at his friend. Joey wasn’t meeting his eyes and there was the faintest trace of red on his skin. He was blushing. “It would be hard to miss, after we’ve met two of his exes.”
“But what if JC blames him for this?” Joey asked, and Lance had to control himself from laughing.
“I highly doubt JC will blame Chris for your sudden bi-ness. Unless, of course, he caught you two kissing on the bus.”
Joey’s eyes grew wide as all the blood rushed from his face, in a way that was almost comical. Lance smiled to himself. Bingo.
“How did you know that?” Joey demanded, but he didn’t sound exactly angry, so Lance let him vent. “Do you have cameras in our hotel rooms or something? Because that’s the only way you could have known Chris and I kissed.”
“Not the only way.” Lance was making an effort not to laugh. “I simply waited until you told me. So, you kissed him. That was probably not a good idea.”
“You didn’t…” Joey began, then waved his hands, resigned. “Never mind. JC almost caught us, but I don’t think he saw anything, because he didn’t mention it after Chris left.”
“Well, then. What’s the problem?”
“That Chris said we should talk. And we haven’t, because now he doesn’t have time. And I think I need to know where I stand with Chris before I start making any announcements, don’t you think?”
“You’re not announcing your wedding, Joey. You’re just telling your friends that you happen to find men as attractive as you find women,” Lance chuckled. “But do whatever you think is best. It’s not as if it isn’t obvious that you care for Chris. At least not to someone who knows what to look for.”
* * *
Orlando, Florida, 2000. Late June.
Chris closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Howard had invited him over for dinner to celebrate that Chris had finally finished recording his tracks, and that Jive was picking up the first single. The last three weeks had passed too fast, with Chris flying from Albany to Orlando on Friday nights, and back again on Sundays in order to be ready for school. School had become a little complicated for Chris, once the rumors of his impending debut started circulating the hallways. And while Chris was ready to resume their friendship, there was something about Howard’s attitude that was making him nervous.
And then there was Joey.
Chris hadn’t really stopped thinking about Joey and the brief. almost, kiss they had shared. Joey was interested, he was interested, but there was the nagging feeling in Chris’s head telling him that he had been down this path before.
Joey couldn’t afford to be out. Just like Daniel, and Howard.
Chris didn’t want to compare Joey to either of his ex-lovers, but he couldn’t avoid it.
It was the same path, after all.
And part of him wanted to go down that path, to find out if it would end up the same way as the last two times, or if, finally, he could have a happy ending. Because Joey was different from Daniel and Howard; Joey wasn’t pushing, wasn’t pressuring and wasn’t asking for anything.
They even had agreed it was a bad idea before kissing.
Chris was truthful to himself. Even if the brief contact had left his lips tingling for a long time, he knew that the timing of the situation had to be considered. He had just broken up with Daniel when he had met Joey.
Just after meting Joey, he had met Howard again, and all those feelings he had tried to keep bottled inside had come rushing back to him.
To the point with which he couldn’t really say if he was truly over Howard.
So he hadn’t called Joey since that night at his hotel. Chris didn’t want to talk to him until he had sorted out his feelings for Howard. It wouldn’t be fair to Joey to be used as another attempt to forget Howard.
All this was going through his mind as he knocked on Howard’s door, praying that he would find an answer to his doubts.
* * *
Howie was perfecting the last details of his plan when he heard the door bell.
He took a deep breath before leaving the kitchen. He could do this, and he knew it. He could seduce Chris, convince Chris to give him another chance, and since Chris didn’t fool around, didn’t even look around, when he was with someone, that would take care of Joey Fatone.
Howie knew that he wasn’t the only man who could love Chris. Quite the contrary; he knew that Chris was easy to love.
What was not easy, was dealing with the consequences of being loved by Chris, because Chris loved with all his heart, and expected nothing less in return.
He opened his eyes and looked straight into the decorative mirror in front of him.
Was he ready to give his all to Chris? He didn’t know. He was willing to try, though, and to have that chance, he needed to win Chris over now.
Calmer now, he checked that his hair was perfect and opened the door.
“Hi, Chris. You’re early,” he said, smiling. Chris looked great, even better than the last time they had seen each other. Sure, Howie knew that part of the credit went to Jive’s image consultants, who had been grooming and perfecting Chris’s look for the past two weeks. Mostly, though, Chris was just gorgeous. He was wearing dark brown pants and a red turtleneck sweater; his hair had purple highlights that shone under the door lights. He was also wearing one silver hoop in his left ear, something that made Howie smile. He hadn’t seen Chris with earrings since college.
“Do I look that bad?” Chris asked, but he was smiling and Howie realized that he had been staring.
“Exactly the opposite,” Howie answered, almost reaching out to touch the earring and stopping just in time. “You weren’t wearing that last time I saw you.”
Chris reached up to touch the small silver hoop and smiled. “Theresa noticed the hole when we were doing some photo shoot. I stopped wearing earrings when I started teaching, but mom was right: it never really closed. Can I come in, or are we going out?”
“Come in, please.” Howie smiled, moving aside, so Chris could pass. “Dinner is almost ready.”
“You cooked?” Chris turned sharply to look at him, and Howie cursed internally. Chris knew him. Chris knew his techniques.
Subtle seduction didn’t work that well if the object of said seduction was aware of the seducer’s plans, Howie thought to himself as Chris took a seat in the living room.
“Yeah, well, I wanted to do something different, to celebrate the start of your career,” Howie said, closing the door. He wasn’t looking at Chris, though. He didn’t want his eyes to betray his feelings.
“You did?” Chris’s tone was skeptical, and for a moment Howie figured everything had been ruined. But then, Chris chuckled. “I think you’re maybe jumping the gun a little. There’s no guarantee this is going to work.”
“It will work if you give it a chance.” Howie tried again, raising his head to look at the ceiling. Chris had been more assertive in college, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with an insecure Chris. “And from what I saw, you already have a small fan base. Didn’t you play every weekend at that place in Albany?”
“You only saw one of my shows, Howard. And it wasn’t exactly one of my best ones.”
“If that one wasn’t one of your best, then I can bet you’ll be successful.” Howie walked into the living room, and sat down in front of Chris. “Opening for *N Sync will give you the exposure you need, but the talent is all yours.”
“Flatterer.”
“I’m just telling the truth.” Howie shrugged. “And for once, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been through this, remember?”
Chris didn’t answer immediately, choosing to look at his clasped hands. Howie mentally kicked himself. He had wanted to reassure Chris, not to make him feel uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry,” he hurried to add. “I didn’t mean to brag.”
“No, no. It’s ok.” Chris smiled, and Howie could see in his eyes that it really was ok. “It’s just that everything is happening really fast. I don’t know how you or Justin did it. I keep thinking I’m going insane.”
“You already were insane, it’s part of your charm,” Howie joked before turning serious again. “Look, despite what I said, I don’t know how *N Sync did it, but I know how it was for the Boys and me. You just have to keep your friends close, and everything will be all right.”
“That would be wonderful advice if I was starting a group, but I’m not.” Chris closed his eyes. “I feel like I’m about to jump into the ocean without knowing how to swim.”
You have me, Howie wanted to say. But he knew it was the wrong thing to say, and so he just served Chris a cup of tea before saying words he was sure he would regret later, if his plan didn’t work out.
“You’ll have Justin and the guys with you,” Howie said. “I think, no, I’m sure they’ll help you any way they can.”
The small smile that appeared on Chris’s lips made Howie’s heart lurch painfully, but he managed not to show it.
“I guess so,” Chris said, and met Howie’s eyes. When he looked up, the traces of that secret smile were gone. “And I suppose I could call you, if I suddenly find myself completely lost, right?”
“I will kick your ass if you don’t,” Howie answered, truthfully. He shook his head. “You can probably count on Kevin and Nick too. Nick made my life a living hell until I realized I had to apologize to you, and Kevin did drive three hours to make it happen so yeah, I think they can be added to your ‘friend’ list.”
“How is everything going for you?” Chris asked, changing the subject just a little. Howie grinned.
“Pretty well. The charity auction is almost ready, and I think we’ll get a lot of money for research. Kevin is getting married this month, so any promotional stuff will be handled by the rest of us, but mostly? We’re getting ready for October.”
Chris nodded as he drank his tea, and Howie let himself hope.
Maybe it wasn’t too late to get Chris back, after all.
* * *
Dinner was delicious. Chris had to admit that Howard had gotten a lot better in the kitchen in six years since they’ve been together. Especially, when he remembered that the first time Howard had cooked for him, on their one month anniversary, they had ended up going to a nearby Mexican restaurant, since Howard had managed to burn their dinner to unrecognizable black lumps.
During dinner, they talked about everything that was not important. Their memories of college, their mutual friends, the fact that their musical tastes were no longer polar opposites, and the latest movies they had seen.
Nothing dangerous. Nothing that would open the can of worms that Chris was sure would explode sooner or later.
Chris only summoned enough courage to talk about their present situation when they were back in the living room, after dinner.
“I finally watched some of your videos,” he said, after a comfortable silence. “An intern at Jive loaned me a tape.”
“Really?” Howard’s face lit up with a smile. “Why did you do that?”
“Well, I had already seen most of *N Sync, thanks to my sisters, I figured, why not? They were interesting.”
“You hated them.”
“I’m not saying that,” Chris laughed. “The last one was bizarre, though.”
“The last one…” Howard frowned for a moment, an expression Chris recognized all too well. Howard was trying to remember which one was their last video. And then he was laughing. “Oh, sure. You would remember that one.”
“You did a pretty good job of acting like a stalker. For a second there I thought you lusted after your friend Nick,” Chris said truthfully. Watching Howard on the screen, looking at Nick like that had been unsettling. Especially since he remembered seeing that look directed at him.
“I had good inspiration,” Howard answered. And of course, they were no longer on safe ground. Howard was directing that same look at Chris right at that moment. “And before you ask, no, I wasn’t thinking about Nick.”
“You taped that one before you went to Albany, so don’t even try to pretend you were thinking about me,” Chris warned, leaving his cup on the table. “Besides, that would be a lame line.”
“I haven’t needed a line in a long time, sorry, I’m out of practice.” Howard shrugged, and Chris chuckled. If Howard was willing to make as if it had just been a joke, Chris could pretend the same. After all, even though Chris knew that Howard used making dinner as a seduction technique, nothing of the sort had happened. Maybe Howard had changed, and Chris was just being paranoid.
“It must be nice, to be able to say ‘I’m a Backstreet Boy’ just to get a date,” Chris agreed. “Only, I don’t think I could use that. At least, not to get the kind of dates I want.”
“You would be surprised,” Howard said, serving him more tea. “We have a lot of male fans.”
“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?” Chris asked, thinking more about Joey and that night at the Little Cabaret, than about Howard.
* * *
“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?”
Howie closed his eyes, considering the question. He knew that his answer would be crucial to his plan, especially taking in Chris’s issues about secrecy into account.
Finally, he settled on answering with the truth.
“I don’t know. I haven’t had a male lover since I left you.”
Chris stayed silent for a minute, and Howie feared that he’d said the wrong thing, but it was the truth. After leaving Chris, everything with the group had happened so fast, and he hadn’t met anyone worth the risk. He hadn’t dated much, having only a few one night stands with women.
It had been better for him. At least, it had seemed so, at the time.
“Any girlfriends?” Chris finally asked, and it looked as if he was genuinely curious.
“Besides ‘Christina’?” Howie joked, and was rewarded when Chris laughed. “Not really. I don’t have time to really meet anyone. I went out with a couple of girls, but it never went past a third date. I’m single and free.”
“How are you going to fix that?” Chris looked amused, so Howie relaxed. Things were back on track.
“Maybe I don’t want to fix it. It would be a good cover,” he began saying, scooting closer to Chris. “If you want.”
“Howard, I don’t think-” Chris started to say, but Howie raised his hand, asking him to stay quiet for a moment.
“Please, Chris just give me one more chance. I’ve changed, you know it.” As he spoke, Howie moved even closer to Chris. He was aware that he was risking everything, but he knew he had no choice. It was now or never. “We were good together.”
“Yes, but-” Howie chose not to hear the ‘but’, and closed the small distance between them, kissing Chris tenderly with all the emotion he felt at that moment.
At first, Chris didn’t react, but when Howie used his tongue to tease his lips open, Chris started to kiss him back. For a moment, it was as if they were still in college, before Howie had been stupid enough to throw away what they had, before the Backstreet Boys, before Joey.
And it didn’t matter that Howie had seen the signs that Chris was, at minimum, infatuated with Joey Fatone. It didn’t matter that Howie was sure that Joey wasn’t immune to Chris’s charms. Chris was with him now, kissing him, almost as passionately as Howie was kissing Chris, and the rest of the world could disappear, as long as they could stay as they were.
For a moment, a very brief moment, Chris even added to the kiss, hugging Howie close to his body, teasing him, as he used to do in college. For that brief moment, Howie could even make himself believe that everything would work out fine.
He believed that he could win Chris back.
But when Howie tried to deepen the kiss, his left hand well inside Chris’s shirt, he realized that Chris had put up his hand against his chest, not to draw him nearer, but to ask him to stop.
Drawing every bit of will power he had, Howie stopped and straightened, looking deep into Chris’s eyes.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It wasn’t just you. I could have stopped you sooner,” Chris muttered, not looking at him.
Yes, Chris could have stopped him and Howie knew it. But, even though he couldn’t fool himself into thinking that Chris hadn’t stopped the kiss because, deep down he loved him, the truth was that he had taken advantage of the fact that he knew Chris, and he knew that he was a very physical man, that had been alone for at least a month and was longing for contact.
Howie felt the acid taste of defeat in his mouth. He had taken advantage of Chris’s loneliness, just to help his plan of a perfect moment to kiss his ex with no interruptions or mistakes, and it had failed completely. He knew his ex well enough to know that if Chris really hadn’t wanted to be kissed, Howie would have been picking his teeth from the floor. It was because, as hot as the kiss had been, Howie could tell that Chris hadn’t been into it. Not until the very end.
He was too late.
The kiss had been a goodbye.
“I guess I was too late, right?” he finally said, closing his eyes. “And maybe it was too little effort from me?”
“No, it’s not that, Howard.” Chris shook his head. “It’s just not that. Our moment has passed. That’s all.”
“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.” Howie took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to mention Joey; it wasn’t his place. “And I was just hoping I was wrong. But I wasn’t, was I?”
“No, you weren’t wrong,” Chris admitted, looking at him. “I’m sorry, Howard.”
“Don’t be. It’s my fault, really, for disappearing all those years ago.” Howie sighed. “Do you think we can still be friends after all this? I’ll understand if I’ve burnt my bridges…”
“I meant it when I said I wanted to try to keep your friendship, Howard,” Chris said, smiling at him. “I guess we’ll just have to try.”
Howie nodded. He could admit defeat, even if it tasted sour in his mouth. But right then, he swore that if he ever got a second chance, he wouldn’t waste it.
* * *
Chris returned to Joey’s house, a little after midnight.
Almost on automatic, he went straight to the guestroom, where he had been staying and lay down on bed, closing his eyes.
Howard had kissed him.
Howard, whom he had dreamed about so many nights in the last six years, who had been his lover for almost two years, who had never once, during all of those two years, initiated any of their sexual encounters, had kissed him.
For a moment there, with Howard’s lips on his, tasting Howard’s mouth that, as always had the faintest tang of black tea (not surprisingly, Howard practically lived on the stuff), he had let himself be lost in the moment. The moment he had been sure would never come again, not after six years.
Howard had kissed him.
But, during the kiss, just as he felt Howard’s hands against his chest and under his shirt, he had remembered the feel of another kiss. A much more insecure kiss, one that hadn’t been initiated by anyone. One that had just happened.
Joey’s kiss.
Howard was his past, and as much as Chris had entertained what ifs, and daydreams about him, it was better if he stayed in the past. Better for Chris, and better for Howard. Because they had already gone down that path, and Chris knew that no matter how much Howard had changed, they would end up hurting each other.
Knowing that Howard hadn’t had any other male lovers, not since he left Chris, was confusing; it was flattering, in one way, and Chris couldn’t deny that. But at the same time, it was the proof that Chris needed to know that Howard wasn’t ready to give Chris what he wanted. Because Howard had told him that the reason why he hadn’t had any male lovers was because it was simply more convenient.
Even if Chris didn’t have the memory of Joey’s kiss, trying to rekindle his romance with Howard would have been a bad idea.
“I guess I was too late, right? And maybe, it was too little effort from me?”
Chris wished he could’ve told Howard he was wrong, but it had really been too late. Six years too late, in fact, but it hadn’t been too little effort. Chris knew that Howard was uncomfortable taking the initiative. He knew that Howard liked it when people pursued him. This time, Howard had made the effort, he had done the pursuing. Chris knew it was a big thing for him.
But still, too late.
“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.”
Chris had wanted to deny it. To tell Howard that there was no one else, that it was just a question of time. But he hadn’t been able to lie, not even to himself.
He liked Joey.
He really liked Joey. And he knew that Joey was interested in him.
Looking up at the ceiling of Joey’s house, he took out the present that Howard had given him for good luck.
The silver necklace that he had given Howard back just a month ago, the same one that Howard had given him as a gift when they had been lovers.
“Take it with you, Chris, please,” Howard had said, giving him the necklace. “It was for you, all the time.”
“Howard, I can’t accept it. We’re not-”
“Not like before. The first time I gave it to you, it was a gift to my lover. This time… This time is my gift to a friend. For new beginnings.”
Chris had smiled then, and he accepted the necklace, without putting it on. “For new beginnings.”
If he was sincere, now he felt true closure with Howard. He now could lay all those ‘what ifs’ that had plagued his dreams to rest.
It left the door open to the future. A future with Joey? He could hope. There were worse possibilities. For the first time in his life, Chris was truly uncertain of what the next day would bring.
And there were too many things in his future now. There was the possibility of something with Joey. There was all that his new career could offer him and his sisters. Now, everything was possible.
The open road before him.
It scared Chris a little, if he had to tell the truth.
So many possibilities, lying in front of him, were waiting to be discovered.
To be Continued...