fic: what he knew.
Title: What he knew.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid
Summary: "Do you really want to know? Because once you know, there's no going back. You can't un-know this."
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, unfortunately.
Author’s Notes: No spoilers, takes place in future. (And for this, I'm guaranteeing total exam failure. Worth it.) I also apologise for what I'm sure is a series of grammatical and spelling errors.
It just hasn't come up, that's all.
It's not that he's not telling Luke, it's just that it hasn't come up.
Yet.
"Hey Reid?" Luke calls from the bedroom, where he was currently unpacking, or what Luke thought of as salvaging what wasn't broken from Reid's pathetic attempt at packing.
"Mm?" Reid mumbles back, not even bothering to look up from the fridge.
"Who is this picture of?"
Shit.
"What picture?" Reid asks innocently, all the while picturing exactly what the photograph looks like. Every detail, every spec of lighting, permanently engrained in his mind.
"Just come here." Luke demands, not wanting to have this conversation shouting down a hallway.
Reid trudges towards the bedroom of their half furnished new home. It's small, but it doesn't need to be big. There's only the two of them, and this way means that Luke 'Mother Theresa' Snyder won't insist on bringing home strays.
As he enters the bedroom, he sees that Luke has given up on the box of, mostly broken, photo frames and is sitting on the bed with one particular frame in his hands. As he looks up, Reid is caught off guard by the look in his eyes. A look that says he's desperate to understand, but also desperately trying not to look stung. Reid takes a seat next to Luke and takes the photo out of his hands.
"It's … It was a long time ago, Luke. Can we just drop it?"
"No. Who is it? Whose house is that?"
A modest Victorian home in a suburban Dallas area, a sold sign plastered across the For Sale billboard. A man, only about 30, standing on the pavement. A smile that could give even Golden Snyder a run for his money. And Reid, standing slightly off to the side with his arms outstretched. Happy.
It can't have been that long ago, Luke thinks to himself. Reid doesn't look that much younger than he does now, but he looks somehow more free. As though there isn't the world on his shoulders, the way he often looks now.
"Do you really want to know? Because once you know, there's no going back. You can't un-know this."
"You're starting to freak me out, what's going on?" Luke starts to stand, but is pulled back down by a hand clasping his. "Talk to me." He whispers, gently taking the photo out of Reid's hands where it's being gripped - held so tightly the glass could crack.
"This photo was taken about six years ago."
"Where?" Luke questions, gently. Never wanting to push too hard.
"Dallas. This is my house. Or, it was my house. Before - Well, before I came here and met you."
"You sold it when you decided to stay here, right?"
"Yeah. But I had been planning on selling it for awhile before you dragged me to this godforsaken town."
"Why?"
"Because-" Reid pauses, unsure how to word what he wants to say. "It reminded me a lot of things, things that I didn't need to be reminded of every day."
"Reid?" Luke asks softly, slipping his hand into Reid's hand and being quietly moved by this uncharacteristic display of emotion.
"Yeah?" He looks up, and for the first time since they had met, Luke sees genuine pain in the doctors eyes.
"Who is in the photo with you? Your boyfriend?"
"Uh, yeah." Reid coughs, struggling to hold back any sign of weakness, any sign of emotion. "He was. Nicholas. We were together for, god - five years? Maybe longer. I can't even remember anymore."
"Why did you break up? It wasn't because you moved here, was it?" Luke suddenly begins to panic. Surely it wasn't because Luke forced the doctor to come for Noah's consultation, was it? Luke didn't know if he could live with himself if he had been some kind of consolation prize.
"No, no. Nothing like that." Reid quickly states, before Luke has a chance to worry even more.
"So what, then? Did he just get sick of you being a complete jerk all the time?" Luke tries to joke, nudging shoulders with Reid.
"He -" Pause. Choke back the feeling. "He died, Luke."
Silence falls over the room as Luke stops giggling, mentally kicking himself. The one time he tries to be cavalier about feelings, and look what he says.
"Oh, god. I'm so, so sorry." Luke whispers, pulling Reid into a hug. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Luke. It's no one's fault. Brain cancer. There was nothing we could do." Reid is still looking down, not quite being ready to meet Luke's eyes. He picks up the photo still sitting next to him and gently runs a finger over the glass. "I flew in specialists from all over the world, and I thought I could save him but I couldn't."
"But you tried, and that's what counts."
"I didn't trust anyone else to do his surgery, but I couldn't do it myself. I found the second best neurosurgeon in the country and he ripped into my boyfriends brain and tore out the cancer, all the while I stood there feeling helpless. And when they said they got it all, Luke - " Reid pauses, and leans forward, shaking his head slowly. "I have never been so happy."
"So what happened, then?"
"He had another few months - but there were so many tumours." A breath. What could be a tear if you didn't know any better, if you didn't know that Reid Oliver did not cry. "His lungs, his stomach... All riddled with the cancer. There were just too many to fight. So many god damn tumours!" Reid shouts, throwing the photo at the wall, watching as it smashes and slides down the wall in sprinkles of glass and timber.
"Oh, god." Luke whispers softly, getting up off the bed and kneeling in front of Reid. "Hey - look at me." He commands quietly, pushing Reid's head up with his fingers. "You did everything you could, Reid. You tried your hardest and he would have died knowing that."
"Yeah, well. It doesn't matter now."
"It does. It does matter now." Luke replies, reality dawning on him. "And it explains a lot, too."
"What? How much of an asshole I am? It's not an excuse, Luke. I should be a better person. If only to honour the person that Nick was."
"You're a good man, Reid. I just mean that all your bravado, about not getting close to people, not opening up. It makes sense given what you've been through."
"It's not about what I've been through, it's about what he went through. I just hope - " He stops, picking up the photo out of the rubble from the ground.
"You hope what?"
"I hope he knew that I loved him."
"He did. I promise you. The people in your life, Reid - they know. Katie knows that you love her. Even Jacob knows you love him. You show it, all the time. You might not say it, but they know."
"And you?" Reid looks up, holding Luke's gaze.
"I know, too."
"Good."
Luke walks over to his partner, wrapping his arms around Reid's waist and resting his head on his shoulder. He gently rubs the doctors back and comforts him in the best way Luke knows how. Reid's breathing evens out and he sighs gently against Luke's neck, the photo still held tightly between his fingers.
Luke breaks the embrace first, crossing the bedroom and grabbing a photo of his parents out of the box. He takes the photo from Reid and replaces it in the frame, propping it up on the windowsill.
"You don't have to do that, Luke."
"Yeah, I do. He was important to you, Reid. And just because he's not here anymore doesn't mean he can't be a part of our new life. And just because you miss him, it doesn't mean what we have is any less important."
"It's not, you know. What we have - it's the first time I've felt anything in years."
Reid grabs hold of Luke, and hugs him with an intensity that Luke has never felt before.
"I know, baby. I know."
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid
Summary: "Do you really want to know? Because once you know, there's no going back. You can't un-know this."
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, unfortunately.
Author’s Notes: No spoilers, takes place in future. (And for this, I'm guaranteeing total exam failure. Worth it.) I also apologise for what I'm sure is a series of grammatical and spelling errors.
It just hasn't come up, that's all.
It's not that he's not telling Luke, it's just that it hasn't come up.
Yet.
"Hey Reid?" Luke calls from the bedroom, where he was currently unpacking, or what Luke thought of as salvaging what wasn't broken from Reid's pathetic attempt at packing.
"Mm?" Reid mumbles back, not even bothering to look up from the fridge.
"Who is this picture of?"
Shit.
"What picture?" Reid asks innocently, all the while picturing exactly what the photograph looks like. Every detail, every spec of lighting, permanently engrained in his mind.
"Just come here." Luke demands, not wanting to have this conversation shouting down a hallway.
Reid trudges towards the bedroom of their half furnished new home. It's small, but it doesn't need to be big. There's only the two of them, and this way means that Luke 'Mother Theresa' Snyder won't insist on bringing home strays.
As he enters the bedroom, he sees that Luke has given up on the box of, mostly broken, photo frames and is sitting on the bed with one particular frame in his hands. As he looks up, Reid is caught off guard by the look in his eyes. A look that says he's desperate to understand, but also desperately trying not to look stung. Reid takes a seat next to Luke and takes the photo out of his hands.
"It's … It was a long time ago, Luke. Can we just drop it?"
"No. Who is it? Whose house is that?"
A modest Victorian home in a suburban Dallas area, a sold sign plastered across the For Sale billboard. A man, only about 30, standing on the pavement. A smile that could give even Golden Snyder a run for his money. And Reid, standing slightly off to the side with his arms outstretched. Happy.
It can't have been that long ago, Luke thinks to himself. Reid doesn't look that much younger than he does now, but he looks somehow more free. As though there isn't the world on his shoulders, the way he often looks now.
"Do you really want to know? Because once you know, there's no going back. You can't un-know this."
"You're starting to freak me out, what's going on?" Luke starts to stand, but is pulled back down by a hand clasping his. "Talk to me." He whispers, gently taking the photo out of Reid's hands where it's being gripped - held so tightly the glass could crack.
"This photo was taken about six years ago."
"Where?" Luke questions, gently. Never wanting to push too hard.
"Dallas. This is my house. Or, it was my house. Before - Well, before I came here and met you."
"You sold it when you decided to stay here, right?"
"Yeah. But I had been planning on selling it for awhile before you dragged me to this godforsaken town."
"Why?"
"Because-" Reid pauses, unsure how to word what he wants to say. "It reminded me a lot of things, things that I didn't need to be reminded of every day."
"Reid?" Luke asks softly, slipping his hand into Reid's hand and being quietly moved by this uncharacteristic display of emotion.
"Yeah?" He looks up, and for the first time since they had met, Luke sees genuine pain in the doctors eyes.
"Who is in the photo with you? Your boyfriend?"
"Uh, yeah." Reid coughs, struggling to hold back any sign of weakness, any sign of emotion. "He was. Nicholas. We were together for, god - five years? Maybe longer. I can't even remember anymore."
"Why did you break up? It wasn't because you moved here, was it?" Luke suddenly begins to panic. Surely it wasn't because Luke forced the doctor to come for Noah's consultation, was it? Luke didn't know if he could live with himself if he had been some kind of consolation prize.
"No, no. Nothing like that." Reid quickly states, before Luke has a chance to worry even more.
"So what, then? Did he just get sick of you being a complete jerk all the time?" Luke tries to joke, nudging shoulders with Reid.
"He -" Pause. Choke back the feeling. "He died, Luke."
Silence falls over the room as Luke stops giggling, mentally kicking himself. The one time he tries to be cavalier about feelings, and look what he says.
"Oh, god. I'm so, so sorry." Luke whispers, pulling Reid into a hug. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Luke. It's no one's fault. Brain cancer. There was nothing we could do." Reid is still looking down, not quite being ready to meet Luke's eyes. He picks up the photo still sitting next to him and gently runs a finger over the glass. "I flew in specialists from all over the world, and I thought I could save him but I couldn't."
"But you tried, and that's what counts."
"I didn't trust anyone else to do his surgery, but I couldn't do it myself. I found the second best neurosurgeon in the country and he ripped into my boyfriends brain and tore out the cancer, all the while I stood there feeling helpless. And when they said they got it all, Luke - " Reid pauses, and leans forward, shaking his head slowly. "I have never been so happy."
"So what happened, then?"
"He had another few months - but there were so many tumours." A breath. What could be a tear if you didn't know any better, if you didn't know that Reid Oliver did not cry. "His lungs, his stomach... All riddled with the cancer. There were just too many to fight. So many god damn tumours!" Reid shouts, throwing the photo at the wall, watching as it smashes and slides down the wall in sprinkles of glass and timber.
"Oh, god." Luke whispers softly, getting up off the bed and kneeling in front of Reid. "Hey - look at me." He commands quietly, pushing Reid's head up with his fingers. "You did everything you could, Reid. You tried your hardest and he would have died knowing that."
"Yeah, well. It doesn't matter now."
"It does. It does matter now." Luke replies, reality dawning on him. "And it explains a lot, too."
"What? How much of an asshole I am? It's not an excuse, Luke. I should be a better person. If only to honour the person that Nick was."
"You're a good man, Reid. I just mean that all your bravado, about not getting close to people, not opening up. It makes sense given what you've been through."
"It's not about what I've been through, it's about what he went through. I just hope - " He stops, picking up the photo out of the rubble from the ground.
"You hope what?"
"I hope he knew that I loved him."
"He did. I promise you. The people in your life, Reid - they know. Katie knows that you love her. Even Jacob knows you love him. You show it, all the time. You might not say it, but they know."
"And you?" Reid looks up, holding Luke's gaze.
"I know, too."
"Good."
Luke walks over to his partner, wrapping his arms around Reid's waist and resting his head on his shoulder. He gently rubs the doctors back and comforts him in the best way Luke knows how. Reid's breathing evens out and he sighs gently against Luke's neck, the photo still held tightly between his fingers.
Luke breaks the embrace first, crossing the bedroom and grabbing a photo of his parents out of the box. He takes the photo from Reid and replaces it in the frame, propping it up on the windowsill.
"You don't have to do that, Luke."
"Yeah, I do. He was important to you, Reid. And just because he's not here anymore doesn't mean he can't be a part of our new life. And just because you miss him, it doesn't mean what we have is any less important."
"It's not, you know. What we have - it's the first time I've felt anything in years."
Reid grabs hold of Luke, and hugs him with an intensity that Luke has never felt before.
"I know, baby. I know."