Heavy Cross (prologue/??)
Reid Oliver can count on his hand the number of times he has cried (other than being a whiny, drooling baby, of course).
The first time was when he was five years old. He (regrettably) threw a temper tantrum when his parents refused to buy the newest G.I. Joe action figure for his birthday. Instead they bought him his first chess set and the rest, as they say, is history.
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The second time was when he was eight. All he wanted, more than anything in this world, was a puppy. Both of his parents were in academia and were gone for long periods of time. The lack of siblings and the absence of his parents created a very lonely environment for the little boy. His best friend, Joey Cordova, had TWO dogs. And he had three older siblings! Reid didn’t think that was very fair. So he had begged and pleaded with his parents, promising he’ll take care of the puppy and his parents wouldn’t have to do anything. But his parents refused, citing that having a dog is too much responsibility for a young boy and they don’t have the time or energy to deal with it. After his father’s very final, “NO,” Reid had stormed into his room, slammed the door, and cried into his pillow.
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The third time was when he was thirteen. He was at a sleepover with three of his friends and the conversation, naturally, turned to girls. Joey boasted he had kissed Kelly Linus and they were now officially dating. The boys talked about the girls in their school and who was date-worthy and who was just plain gross. Reid stayed quiet for the majority of the conversation, agreeing (or disagreeing) when asked.
“So, Reid, who would YOU kiss?” asked Marty.
Reid had blushed and mumbled about how he wasn’t really picky. Thankfully, his friends didn’t dwell on it, but Reid had. He never thought about girls. He never thought about kissing them or holding hands with them or going to the movies with them. It wasn’t that he did not like hanging out with girls. In fact, one of his closest friends was a girl. But he never once thought about kissing her. It actually creeped him out thinking about it. Reid was uncomfortable until Lance admitted he hadn’t kissed a girl either. Clearly, Reid thought, he was a late bloomer and there was nothing wrong with him.
A few hours later, after Joey’s parents had gone to bed, Joey brought out three magazines he had found in his dad’s office. Three porno magazines. The boys all “ooohed” and “aaahed” over them and they immediately began tearing through them. Reid pretended to be excited about it but honestly, he wasn’t into it as much as his friends. He picked one up and began flipping through it by himself, trying to see the appeal his friends saw. But he didn’t. He wasn’t necessarily repulsed by it nor was he excited about it. He felt... nothing. It wasn’t until he turned the page did he stop and stare. It was a photo of a man and woman, naked, sitting on the hood of a car. Reid paid no mind to the woman. Instead he stared at the man. The tan, toned body; the sandy brown hair; the piercing green eyes; the large, hard cock. It was in this very moment that Reid knew this was what he wanted. It scared the beejesus out of him.
Reid had held off from losing it until he made it into the bathroom. And then he lost his mind. He started crying, hysterically. What was WRONG with him? Why couldn’t he stop staring at the man? Why wasn’t he joining in with his friends, admiring the naked girls? Why did he feel so guilty? So badly? After about ten minutes, he heard a light knock on the door.
“Hey, are you okay in there? I heard crying,” he heard a soft voice ask. He slowly opened the door to Joey’s older sister, Jenny.
“Reid!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”
“No, I'm okay. I'm just... I dunno... confused, I guess."
Jenny hesitated for a moment before joining Reid on the bathroom floor. "Confused about what?"
He had tried to speak but didn't know what to say. "Reid," she said softly, "if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. Why are you feeling confused?"
Reid remembers her face, how kind and caring it was. He felt safe with her; he trusted her.
And then, as if a switch went off in his brain, he started babbling. "Is there something wrong with me? Joey pulled out these magazines he found and there were a bunch of naked pictures. And the guys were talking about the girls and how hot they were. But I never once thought about girls that way. I never even thought about kissing one! And then I saw a picture of a guy and I couldn’t help think about how hot HE was and how much I wanted to kiss HIM. Why was I thinking that? What’s wrong with me?” He felt the hot tears again.
Jenny sat with Reid for two hours on the bathroom floor. He opened up to her about his feelings and she listened to him. She had told him that he was a little different than some of the other boys, but he wasn’t anymore wrong than they were. She hugged him; laughed with him; cried with him. She gave a name for it -gay- and said there was nothing, nothing, wrong with him. And when he was ready, he could start to tell people about it. No matter what people said, she had told him, she would always be there for him.
“Never hide who you are, Reid,” she had said. “Don’t let people define you by this. Be your own man.”
Reid never forgot what Jenny had done for him that night, and every Christmas and birthday, he called her. She was one of the few people in the world he really cared about.
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The fourth time Reid remembers crying was when he was fifteen, at his parents’ funeral. His parents died in a car accident on their way to his chess tournament. They very rarely came to his tournaments, letting his uncle Angus deal with it instead. But for some unknown reason, Reid desperately wanted them there. To this day, he’s not sure why; this tournament certainly wasn’t anything special. His parents had decided to surprise him and attempted the 98 mile drive from Cambridge, Massachusetts to Hartford, Connecticut. Except they never made it. His father attempted to beat a yellow light but they were hit by a semi truck. His dad died instantly. His mom hovered for three days before being declared brain dead.
He blamed himself.
At one point during the reception, after all of his parents’ friends and colleagues offered their condolences, Reid broke down crying and ran from the room. Angus followed him outside and said something that would stick with Reid for the rest of his life. In an awkward attempt of comfort, Angus put his arm loosely around Reid and told him to stop crying.
“Olivers don’t cry!” he boasted. “Stop blaming yourself for something completely out of your control. Did you force your parents to get into that car? No. Did you force your parents to leave a day early so they could show up at your tournament? No! It was their own decision. Just like it was your dad’s decision to try and make the yellow light. Listen kid. Accidents happen. They’re not always someone’s fault. Nothing lasts forever in this world and as human beings, we’re hard-wired to cope with that. So dry your eyes and make something for yourself.”
And Reid had.
In the twenty years since then, Reid prided himself on separating himself from all things emotional. When things got a little too heavy, Reid put up his wall and removed himself from the situation. He lost a lot of friends because of this but the reward was worth it. By the time he was 28, he was already making a name for himself in his field. By 34, Dr. Reid Oliver was one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. If he ever felt a little twinge of loneliness, he threw himself more into his work. He never held back, never cared whose feelings he hurt as long as things were done correctly and efficiently. He could not stand weepy nurses or breakdowns from his patients. Over the years, he hard-wired his brain to deal with things distantly.
Then he met Luke Snyder and everything changed.
Luke challenged him, pushed him; he forced Reid to confront his fears and to break down the wall. It took him a long time to let Luke in but when he finally did, his world was infinitely better. The passion and love he felt for Mr. Snyder consumed his soul. He wanted the whole enchilada, yes, but he wanted the whole restaurant, the whole fucking world. For practically his entire adult life, Reid threw himself into his work. Nothing else even mattered or even came close. But he was starting to realize other things did matter and that his love for Luke surpassed his love for his work. It was a scary thought, but comforting at the same time.
He was in love with Luke and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.
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The last time Reid cried was twenty minutes ago.
When Luke died.