Rock Bottom
Title: Rock Bottom
Written by: tldreamer
Rating: R
Prompt: Here!
Author's Notes: This contains buckets of angst, fair warning! Also contains Luke/Other. Thank you to my beta, traciamc.
The phone rang in the middle of the night, and Reid grabbed it, recognizing the ring tone he’d assigned to Luke. He went from asleep to wide awake in an instant. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay,” Luke said, but he sounded far from it. “I’m sorry to call you this late.”
“No…no, it’s all right,” Reid said, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and running a hand over his face. “What’s up?”
“I…didn’t know who else to call.”
Reid’s stomach twisted and he said, “Where are you?”
“I’m at a hotel off Interstate 57.”
“The name?”
“I..don’t know. I didn’t look when I checked in.” Reid could hear Luke rustling around in the background. “Ummm, Cozy Inn.”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“Reid, you don’t have to…I…I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Luke didn’t sound right, something was very off. Reid said, “Listen, Luke, I’ll be there.”
Reid hung up the phone and ran his fingers through his hair while he sighed. It was late, and he’d had a long day. But if Luke called, he knew he had better go see what was up, because it had been 72 days since they last spoke.
Actually, it was a miracle that Reid was even in town right now. Reid shuddered to think that if Luke was in some sort of trouble and took the effort to call him, what would have happened if he hadn’t been around? What would Luke have done then? He pushed that thought aside and considered the facts at hand. If it was the place he thought it was, what was Luke doing at such a fleabag? It made the Wagon Wheel look like a four star hotel. He had the feeling whatever it was couldn’t be anything good.
He threw on some sweats and then pulled on his parka, grabbing his keys as he headed out the door. He shivered in the cold as he started the car and then put it in gear and backed it out of the garage.
Although he tried not to, he kept thinking of what might be happening with Luke. The more he thought about the various scenarios that led to why Luke might have called, the more his heart pounded in his chest and his hands began to sweat as he gripped the steering wheel.
As he waited for a red light to turn green, his stomach began to knot up and he told himself to control his breathing and calm down. He tried this for a few minutes, but his nerves were on edge.
He was attempting to keep his emotions at bay as he drove along, but they had been held back for so long that they threatened to overwhelm and bury him.
He was pulling up close to the Cozy Inn when he noticed he didn’t see Luke’s car in the parking lot. Luke hadn’t told him what room he was in, so Reid pulled out his phone and called him. It rang and rang and Reid began to panic. Finally, though, Luke answered and he sounded really bad. “Hello?” he croaked.
“It’s Reid. I’m almost there. What room are you in?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look at the room phone. It should say on it.”
There was a pause as Luke was searching. “Room 125. It’s upstairs.”
“I’ll be up in two minutes.” Reid, who had already pulled into the parking lot, hung up. This dump was probably built in the 60’s and was only two stories, with stairs on the outside of the building leading up to the 2nd floor. Reid turned off the ignition, took his keys and got out of the car. He beeped to lock his car and then ran up the stairs, two at a time, guessing which way the room was. He was lucky and turned the right way.
He cleared his throat and knocked on the door. “Luke, are you in there?”
He tried the doorknob and was a little upset to find that it was not locked, so he opened the door and peered in. Luke, who was sprawled on top of the queen size bed that had already been slept in, was wearing only boxers and a white t-shirt, with the rest of his clothes strewn about.
Reid stepped in and closed the door. He went over to Luke, whose eyes were open, but glassy. He looked thin and his color was not good. Then Reid smelled it. Alcohol. And his heart stopped. Was Luke trying to kill himself? His anger rose, but he managed to beat it down. He knew what had happened and he knew that Luke was probably hurting badly.
He knelt down on the floor beside Luke and gingerly touched his arm. “Luke? Are you ok?”
Luke suddenly moved like he had awakened and when he saw Reid, he weakly smiled. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
Reid looked over Luke quickly and judged that Luke probably hadn’t had that much to drink, but his tolerance was probably low and he’d become drunk quickly. It was even probable that Luke hadn’t eaten lately, so pouring a little alcohol in his empty stomach would knock him over quickly. Normally, he might have a hell of a hangover coming his way, but Reid was very concerned about Luke’s kidney and its tolerance for such treatment. He wondered if Luke was even taking his meds regularly. He could tell by the hang of Luke’s shirt that he had lost weight, a lot of it.
“What’s going on, Luke?”
Luke looked pained and he turned his head away. He started to speak, but then he stopped himself. His eyes filled with tears and he brushed the overflow away.
Reid grabbed Luke’s wrist and he consciously began checking Luke’s pulse, but he was also waiting for an answer. With his other hand, he felt Luke’s head. He did not seem to be running a fever.
Luke pulled his arm away and sighed and then looked into Reid’s eyes. “I don’t know. I’m sorry to drag you here.” He looked away and turned his body away from Reid.
Reid suddenly felt very tired and his voice showed it. “I’m here. Just tell me what’s going on.” He waited and said, “What can I do?”
Luke turned his head and looked at him for a long while. “When did you get back from Sweden?”
Reid got up and sat down on the single chair in the room, which was at the desk near the bed. He pulled it over close to the bed. So Luke knew. He was more than a little surprised. He figured Luke wasn’t that interested in anything about him anymore. “About 10 days ago.”
“Did you like it?”
“Yeah, the food was good.” He didn’t mention all of the beautiful blond haired men there. But it didn’t matter, because none of them were Luke.
Reid could tell that Luke was still a little drunk by the way he snickered at that remark and then flung his arm to playfully jab Reid in the arm, but it ended up being more like a punch. Reid took it.
“You still crack me up. You go all the way there to deliver some important paper to the neurological world, and all you can talk about is the food.”
Reid half-smiled. “Yeah. You know my priorities.”
“Did you eat pickled herring and drink vodka…” Luke suddenly turned grey and began to retch. Reid was thankful that there was a waste basket nearby. He grabbed it and pulled Luke over so he could begin to use it. Reid helped hold Luke as he emptied his stomach’s contents then made him lie down as he went to the bathroom to grab a washcloth to wipe Luke’s mouth, and another one to use as a cold compress on his head. Luke suffered through several waves of nausea, so Reid got Luke some water, but he couldn’t keep it down. Reid then went out in search of the ice machine and brought some back for Luke to suck on in his mouth.
After a while, Reid could sense another big round coming on, so he grabbed Luke and tried to walk him into the bathroom. It wasn’t easy, but he was glad he did so, because Luke was able to hold onto the toilet bowl as Reid held onto him. After that round, Luke was coughing and choking and tears rolled out of his eyes. Reid grabbed another wash cloth and soaked it with cold water, then put it on Luke’s head. Luke instantly began to lie down on the floor of the bathroom, so Reid tried to get him up, and when he wasn’t successful, he carefully picked up Luke and carried him to the bed. He felt a pang because Luke had obviously dropped more weight than he had thought; Luke seemed so light in his arms.
Luke hadn’t passed out, but he was close to it, and didn’t seem aware of what was going on. Reid had ascertained that Luke wasn’t in immediate danger, but he felt he should stay and keep an eye on him in case things took a turn for the worse. Luke fell asleep, so Reid covered him up with the sheet, pulled his chair closer to the bed and watched him. His adorable Luke. How he missed watching him sleep. He always had such a peaceful expression on his face; Reid always thought that was the way angels would look, if there were such a thing. But tonight he looked haggard and raw. Reid looked away and sighed. Luke wasn’t his anymore and hadn’t been for 714 days.
Reid couldn’t sleep and he kept his eyes on Luke, but his mind began to wander. He looked around the room and saw a cigarette butt in the ashtray with two glasses that had a little water in them, probably the remains of ice cubes. He knew that Luke couldn’t stand cigarettes. He sighed. He hoped that Luke was at least using protection.
A pain seared through his chest from one shoulder, zagging through his heart and lungs into his belly. It still hurt. How had they let it come to this? What happened to them? He’d thought about it so many times and tried to figure it out, but it still didn’t really make sense. At times, he thought it was all his fault because he really could be an asshole, and other times he felt that Luke had walked out on the relationship. But deep down, he guessed they both contributed to the demise of their life together.
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. How did they go from being so happy and in love to being almost strangers? How could they both be in such pain? Maybe Luke’s pain was different from Reid’s, but Reid would do anything he could to stop Luke from feeling like this.
Reid ruminated some more and was honest enough to realize that he had slackened in keeping their relationship a priority. But there he was, building the most awesome neurological wing while at the same time being Chief of Staff. He reveled in his new responsibilities, which were at times all-encompassing, and Luke was so happy for him. At least he was for a while.
Reid was at the hospital more than he was at home. There was always some crisis, whether it be a critical patient, human resources, funding for certain services, you name it. Luke started to complain that he was too hands on and that there were other capable people who could handle such projects, with Reid’s oversight. But Reid always said that he had to get everything in the new wing up and running smoothly before he would feel comfortable about turning some of those responsibilities over to others, as well as setting new protocols as Chief of Staff that couldn’t wait if Memorial was to stay competitive. But what he neglected to do was to often tell Luke all about this and his timetable for making this happen. He saw that now. He guessed that Luke thought that their life would be stuck in this pattern forever. At least he had said so during some of their big rows.
Reid closed his eyes as some of their fights popped back up in his memory. He wished he could erase them. What Luke said. What he said. All in the heat of the moment. He wished he could take certain things back so Luke would have never heard him say them. But, of course, that wasn’t possible, and sometimes what one said was branded on the other person’s heart. He’d learned that the hard way and it was a bitter lesson.
Reid started going down the familiar path of how he had failed in the relationship. He had been so excited by his job and all of the things going on the hospital, that he now realized that he probably was neglecting their relationship. But it had started so strongly, he thought the foundation they had built would help them weather any storms. But maybe that’s because he was using the wrong metaphor as Luke pointed out once. Luke, who was the writer and more poetic of the two, had said that a relationship is like a garden. You have to tend it and keep an eye on it, water and love it. You couldn’t just stomp in, throw down the seeds and little water and think it was all going to be great.
And then after all of these fights (and there were many of them), it got to where he began to feel uptight before going home early or spending a lot of time with Luke on a free weekend afternoon, because he felt Luke’s pressure. After too many of these fights, Luke threw down the gauntlet. He wanted more commitment in the relationship. Reid remembered shifting in his chair when he had heard that. Luke barreled ahead and announced that he wanted to get married. Reid gulped and began to panic. He told Luke that now wasn’t a good time. Luke yelled and asked when it would be. Reid said he didn’t know, but what he did know was that he wasn’t ready.
Reid saw now that Luke thought that the hospital was more important than he was. Reid sighed. He’d told Luke that wasn’t true. He’d also told him he wasn’t good at this relationship stuff. But he knew he should’ve tried more and listened more. He had just been so busy and he had meant to cut back slowly on his workload, but something always came up.
Reid didn’t know what else to say and he began to avoid Luke, which wasn’t hard to do because he was working night and day. However, he was dumbfounded late one evening when Luke marched into the kitchen, where Reid was preparing a sandwich, and announced that he wanted to take a break. Reid hadn’t taken him seriously and chuckled, which set Luke off and he yelled something about Reid probably wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t shown up to tell him. Reid quickly became serious when he saw how upset Luke was, so he asked what the break was exactly and how long would it be. Luke wasn’t sure, but he knew that he needed it and some time away from them so that he could be on his own for a while and sort out what his priorities were, and what he wanted in life.
Reid felt the floor go out from underneath his feet. This sounded final. He tried to tell Luke to stick around and he’d figure something out with his schedule. He’d find someone, something - but Luke just shook his head and said he needed this. It was important. And he thought it would be a good idea that they limit seeing each other and any other communications for awhile. Reid reluctantly agreed and later thought it probably was a good thing to have some time apart and they would be able to see how much they loved each other and try to build a stronger, healthier relationship.
Luke left immediately with a few bags (he said he’d rented an apartment, which made Reid’s heart sink even more when he thought about how premeditated Luke’s actions were) and Reid laid down and cried for the first time since his parents died.
He dropped into a depression. He couldn’t sleep and he lost his appetite. His nerves were shattered and he often began to hyperventilate whenever he saw or spoke to Luke. Luckily, Luke never saw or noticed his problems breathing because Reid was usually able to hold off his attack until after Luke had left or hung up.
He had always prided himself on being self-sufficient ever since his parents had died. But he now found out that he had only been complete when he was with Luke. It was Luke who filled out his life and made it so much better and happier. Without him, he had a huge gaping hole in him that didn’t seem to close or change. He knew he was being dramatic, but he missed Luke so much. He couldn’t sleep because he kept waking up and knowing that Luke wasn’t next to him caused a sharp pain in his heart.
Katie became quite worried and was always asking him how he was. He finally broke down one night and admitted his pain over Luke as he literally leaned on Katie’s shoulder, and she cried over her friend because she knew his heart was broken.
During the early part of the separation, Reid didn’t know what to do or how to forge ahead. He tried to keep to his regular routine, but sometimes he tried to guess when Luke might be at Java or some other favorite place. One time he stopped in at Al’s to pick up some dinner, and Luke was sitting there, working on some papers, and he invited Reid to join him. They had a pleasant time and Reid felt like he probably had a goofy smile plastered on his face the entire meal, because he was so happy to talk to Luke and not argue or feel pressured. They laughed and talked and it gave Reid some hope. But at the end of the meal, Luke said he had to go and that he’d had a nice time, and he got up and left. There were no plans for another meeting. Nada. Reid went home and drank a couple of beers in front of the TV, hoping to medicate himself into sleep. But other than that, Luke rarely called, and they didn’t encounter each other very often.
One evening Katie came over with Chinese food after having left Jacob with Margo. The two friends caught up with each other before Katie got to work. She told Reid he should go talk to Luke, but Reid thought that Luke wasn’t ready. He felt that Luke would signal when he was, and then he would go. Reid didn’t want to blow this. But Katie disagreed. She encouraged Reid to tell Luke how he felt, and how he missed and needed him, and that he was willing to work it out with Luke. He would change his schedule, his job, anything. At first, Reid thought this was all stupid. Of course Luke knew how much he loved him. He’d quit his job at Memorial before, hadn’t he? And he was getting close to the wing being exactly where and what he wanted it to be. He didn’t want to walk away from that. But the more he thought about it and Katie’s rationale, he realized - what good is all this without Luke? He knew it was time to take a break from his ego and pride, and see what the two of them could work out.
Katie could tell she’d made progress with Reid, and she happily kissed his cheek when she left, and told him to “go get your man!” Reid hugged her and told her thanks. Reid thought about it all for about thirty seconds, then went to his bedroom, put on the black jeans that he knew Luke liked and the burgundy shirt that he’d worn when they first got to know each other. He checked himself in the mirror and smiled for the first time in a long time. It was time to go get his man. It has been too long, and the ache was too painful to endure.
He took a deep breath as he headed out the door in search of Luke. He drove around to Luke’s work and then to his apartment, but didn’t see his car, so then Reid headed to Old Town, walked to Al’s, the bookstore, Java and other haunts. Luke wasn’t to be found. Reid then went to the Lakeview, but no one had seen him there, either. He remembered that Luke liked to occasionally go to Yo’s to play pool with Casey and other friends, so he drove over there.
It was a pretty quiet night at Yo’s when Reid arrived. He quickly could see that Luke wasn’t in the bar or at the pool table. However, before he left, he decided to relieve himself and headed to the men’s room. He stepped in and was preparing himself at the urinal when he heard some noise back in the stalls. He turned around and saw four feet, all in the same stall. He smirked and continued on with his business. He zipped up, washed his hands and was just opening the door to leave when he heard a giggle and a voice that distinctly sounded like Luke’s, saying “You’re crazy.” And then someone else’s laugh joining his giggle.
Reid’s heart dropped. He looked again at the feet and recognized Luke’s shoes. Reid managed to walk out of the men’s room and then out of the bar to the street, where he leaned against the wall and began to have trouble breathing. He felt that if he had been disemboweled, it wouldn’t have hurt more than this. Reid was gasping for breath and somehow stumbled to his car, where he sat for a long time, trying to process what had he had just seen and heard. He didn’t know how long he sat in the car in the shadows near Yo’s, but sometime later he saw Luke come out of Yo’s kissing another man. They were grabbing and kissing each other like teenagers and laughing, then slowly walking as they continued to kiss. Reid thought he would be sick. He couldn’t help but look, and he realized who the other man was. It was Luke’s young assistant from the Foundation, Gary. Reid wondered how long this had been going on. He knew that they worked closely together, but he never expected this. He knew that Luke was “taking a break” but he hadn’t thought it meant that. His heart might now be frozen, but his soul felt like it had been scorched, leaving it sterile.
After some time, he was able to turn the key in the ignition and drive home, although he couldn’t remember how he got there. He went into a fog for a few weeks, and Katie became seriously concerned when he didn’t return her calls. He didn’t return Luke’s calls either. Luke hadn’t called too often before, so it seemed strange that he would start calling Reid so many times and leaving him messages begging him to call back. Finally, Luke just left him the message that he had wanted to tell Reid in person, that he was seeing someone and he wanted Reid to hear it from him and not anyone else. He felt his only option was to leave this message because Reid had also been eluding him even when he dropped by Memorial.
Katie rose to the occasion when she figured out what was going on. She invited herself and Jacob over many times to watch movies or eat takeout when Chris was busy at the hospital. She bolstered Reid and distracted him, which endeared her to him forever. She kept telling Reid, “He needs to do this and get it out of his system.” Reid would nod and feel empty, and he hoped Katie knew what she was talking about.
It seemed to Reid that Luke was gone and he had the feeling that it was for good.
Months had passed by at this point, and Luke and Reid rarely saw or spoke with one another. Once or twice, Reid had run into the happy couple and usually tried to back out of the room or leave immediately. At hospital board meetings, Luke was very professional and cordial. He always greeted Reid as “Dr. Oliver” and rarely looked at him in meetings, even when Reid was speaking. Reid could barely look at Luke because he looked so delectable in his suit and tie, and it made Reid’s heart ache even more to see him. He was always relieved when the meetings were over and he wouldn’t have to face him again for a few months.
In the meantime, Reid decided to hunker down and become even more devoted to his first love, the brain. It took several months, but he managed to find his replacement as Chief of Staff (by this time, Luke was no longer serving on the board so Reid was relieved that he didn’t have to deal with Luke in all those tedious extra meetings with candidates and votes) and he began to focus on the wing and surgery. He conducted research and thought long about some of the medical situations he was being faced with. After more than 6 long, hard years, the wing was becoming well-known all over the country, and doctors were now coming to visit and watch Reid and the other neurologists with their ground-breaking protocols and procedures. Reid was asked to consult on other cases nationwide and he began to write papers that were well-received around the world.
He was trying to fill that hole that Luke left. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than nothing.
It was a good thing that he did, because one day Katie showed up on his doorstep with a serious look on her face. Reid let her in and she seemed agitated. He asked her to sit down, and she grabbed his hand and pulled on it so he would sit with her on the couch. She said, “I don’t know how to do this, so I’m just going to go ahead and do it so you don’t find out some other way.” She opened her purse and pulled out a newspaper clipping and handed it to Reid. She said, “I’m so sorry.” Reid unfolded the clipping and saw a photo of Luke and Gary, with the opening sentence, “Lily and Holden Snyder and Mary and Jason Becker are pleased to announce the engagement of their sons, Luke Snyder and Gary Becker..” Reid felt his insides falling apart, and when Katie saw his face, she pulled him into a big hug and didn’t let him go.
It was at that point that Reid decided to move out of the home he’d shared with Luke. He felt there was no chance that they would ever be together again, and as more time went on, the more the memories of the happy times they’d had for more than 4 years there began to wear on Reid’s soul. Once he found another place, he began to sleep a little better, because he wasn’t sensing Luke’s essence everywhere.
Then one day, Luke called him and asked if he wouldn’t mind meeting for dinner at the Lakeview. Reid agreed because earlier that day a little blonde birdie had told him that Luke and that guy were on the outs. She encouraged him to go “get his man.” This time Reid was more wary. But he agreed to go. Once again, he tried to dress in clothes that he remembered Luke always appreciating when he wore them when they were together.
The dinner began well. Luke actually looked happy to see him, and Reid knew that Luke was more delicious than anything on the menu, but he settled for a porterhouse steak. Luke looked amused at Reid’s order, as he ordered himself a salad. Things were going well. Luke asked Reid about the wing, and Reid gabbled on and on about what they were doing and some of the new procedures, and their growing reputation for saving lives that only a few years ago, would have been thought hopeless. Luke smiled at Reid’s enthusiasm as he listened and nibbled on his salad.
Reid suddenly stopped and asked Luke what was new with him. Luke looked down at his salad and admitted, “Gary and I broke up.” Reid wasn’t sure if his heart did a double flip, but he tried not to smile too much while sounding sincere when he replied, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Luke still wasn’t looking at him and said, “Yeah, well, I guess I should’ve known better.” He took a sip of water and Reid wondered if he should encourage Luke to discuss it more, or just let it lie. He didn’t have to think about this too long because Luke began to pour out the whole sordid story. Gary, who Luke thought was his soulmate, was a con artist and embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from the Foundation and ultimately the needy people who the Foundation could have helped. Reid sadly looked down and realized that Gary had taken more than that, he had stolen Luke’s heart. Luke couldn’t stop talking about how much he was fooled by Gary. How Gary had seemed to like almost everything Luke did. How Gary was always ready and available to do whatever Luke wanted. And how Gary had disappeared with all that money, when he could’ve stayed with Luke (with Reid thinking, who would have happily lavished him with gifts and money for the rest of his life).
Reid tried to hold his composure, but the pain in his chest was going from his shoulder across down to his hip again. It was a familiar pain, but tonight it was especially sharp. It made it very difficult to breathe. He felt pain for Luke, who he could tell was hurting over this asshole, Gary. And he hurt because he wanted to grab Luke and say, “Forget him! The man who really loves you is sitting right here with you, right now!” But he didn’t. He let Luke vent about Gary, and Luke seemed to feel better by doing so.
However, a little glimmer of hope began to dwell within Reid’s heart. He thought if he could just sit patiently, some time not too far down the road, Luke would come to his senses (aided by Reid, of course) and realize that Reid loved him and wanted to be with him forever, in whatever shape, form or whatever size that would be. Reid had learned the hard way that patience truly was a virtue, especially when there was no other choice.
The hope began to grow slowly as the dinner ended. Then Luke gave a sad smile, grabbed Reid’s hand, and said, “Thanks so much for being my friend. I really needed that tonight.”
The hope in Reid withered at the sound of that. He remembered back to when Luke always wanted to be Noah Mayer’s friend. Tonight was the first time Reid ever felt sorry for that S.O.B. He knew that Noah had loved Luke, and he now realized how hard it was for Noah to just be Luke’s friend. Reid became flustered and couldn’t remember extracting his hand from Luke’s, but he was sure he muttered something and made some sort of excuse as to why he needed to go.
He didn’t know how he got himself out of there and somehow to his car, because the pain in his chest and lungs was terrible, and he was gasping for breath again. Once he got in the car, he rested his head on the steering wheel and tried to calm himself. Eventually, he was able to drive home.
From then on, he stepped up his work and research. He wrote and presented more papers and took on added consultations out of town. Although Oakdale was his address, there weren’t that many days that he was actually in town. And that’s the way he preferred it.
Luke woke up and rubbed his eyes because he felt groggy and slightly nauseous. He got his bearings and realized he wasn’t at home, and then groaned as he remembered the activities from much earlier in the evening. He turned his head the other way and almost stopped breathing when he saw Reid sitting there, asleep with his head against the wall, softly snoring. Luke closed his eyes and reopened them, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, because he could remember who he’d been with earlier in the evening and it wasn’t Reid.
Luke looked at Reid and smiled. Even after all this time and everything they’d been through, Reid still made his heart flutter. Reid looked good. And when did he start wearing glasses? Luke liked them on him. Very sexy. He noticed that Reid’s hair was cropped very short, very severe and he frowned. He liked Reid’s hair longer, so his fingers could play in the curls. Luke sighed. He shouldn’t think like that because Reid wasn’t his any longer. He saw wisps of grey hair at Reid’s temples along with some deepening crow’s feet and he noticed how tired Reid looked. Luke’s heart swelled to see Reid so vulnerable when he slept. Although he could be rough and tough and scare nurses and interns to death, Reid’s face when he was asleep was still a joy for Luke to behold. And then Luke saw the little paunch that had begun to form on Reid’s belly. He grinned. Finally, all of those horrendous eating habits were catching up with him! But he still looked as hot as hell to Luke.
Luke sighed. He hated for Reid to see him here, in a place like this. He now remembered calling Reid, and he wished he hadn’t, but he’d been drinking and his heartache had overwhelmed him. Unbelievably, Reid had come. Reid, who had told him, “I can’t do this. I can’t do friends. With you.” The love that Luke felt must have gently brushed against Reid because he suddenly opened his eyes and saw that Luke was awake. “How are you feeling?”
Luke croaked, “Pretty rough.”
“That’s to be expected. What were you drinking?”
Luke hesitated. He really didn’t need a dressing down from Reid right now. “Tequila.”
Reid looked like he really wanted to say something, but he kept quiet. He finally said, “You’ve had a rough week.”
Luke’s eyes filled with tears, so he looked away.
Reid finally said, “I can’t take your pain away, but I am here for you. I’m not sure what good that is, but it is what it is.”
Luke sniffed. “Don’t be self-deprecating. It doesn’t suit you.”
Reid changed the subject. “Do you think you’re good enough to get up and go home?”
Luke thought about it. His stomach really hurt and his head was killing him. The taste in his mouth was pretty bad, so he was pretty sure he’d been sick earlier. “I don’t know.”
“Then that means you’re not. Here, take an ice cube and suck on it.” He handed Luke a clean motel room glass with some ice in it and Luke gingerly slipped a cube in his mouth. “Just lie there and rest. With a few more hours of sleep, I predict you’ll feel well enough to get up and go. I’ll drive you home and we can make arrangements for someone to pick up your car.”
Luke looked at the ceiling for a while and finally said, “I didn’t drive here.”
“Well.” Luke peeked and saw that Reid had a funny look on his face. Reid took a breath and said, “That makes it easier then. So, keep working on that ice cube and get some more sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
Luke looked over at Reid and was so grateful he hadn’t made a comment about how or why he was there. He’d forgotten just how wonderful Reid could be like that sometimes. Other people would’ve been very upset and yelling, or at the least making insinuating remarks when they heard that kind of information, but Reid sometimes just took what you told him and never said another word about it. And he didn’t hold it against you. Luke sighed and then closed his eyes.
Luke had those dreams again. How many times had he had them? He was exhausted just thinking about it. They always wore him out, because they were reenactments of his arguments with Reid before he decided to take a break. Or maybe they really weren’t arguments, because Reid rarely participated, they were just Luke sounding off about his feelings. He felt every ounce of frustration and resentment he had carried through that time. He felt that Reid was ignoring him, and that his great loves really were medicine and the hospital, while he came in a distant third. Luke knew he should’ve expected this kind of lifestyle, but it was one thing to think about it and another to live through it. How many dinners were interrupted by calls, how many family holidays were they apart? And they never took vacations like other couples. The two that Luke had planned had to be cancelled at the last minute. They rarely had any quality time together, not that Luke didn’t try. Reid kept telling Luke it would get better, but it didn’t, it only got worse.
And he’d get really angry when Reid didn’t take his complaints too seriously. Reid even laughed at him a few times when he was telling Reid how he felt about their life together. That infuriated Luke and he would stomp off to attempt to cool down before he tried to explain it all over to Reid again. But he never seemed to get through. He couldn’t understand where they’d taken a wrong turn when the first few years they’d had together were so wonderful and idyllic.
It was painful reliving all of this again. It made him feel sick and achy. Back then, he would look at Reid with such love, but he was sure Reid never noticed it. His mind was always on work. He never relaxed and that’s all he talked about. Luke would’ve thought there was another man because their sex life dwindled, but he knew that Reid was just so tired from working non-stop, that sex was taking a back seat.
So, Luke decided to gamble to shake Reid up. He did this by throwing it all in and announcing he wanted to get married. He thought that Reid would probably hesitate, but then realize how much he really did love Luke and he would agree to it sometime. What he didn’t expect, was for Reid to balk when he said it, and then said he wasn’t ready. Although Luke tried to get Reid to talk more about it, Reid didn’t seem to understand the stakes here. Luke had had it. He was ready to walk. He came up with this wedding because he was trying to gauge if Reid really was serious about spending the rest of his life with him or not. If it was “or not,” then Luke thought he should try to move on and eventually find someone who would be more willing.
With a heavy heart, but fueled by the anger and frustration that had pent up over the past two years, Luke went through with his plan when Reid wouldn’t commit. He told Reid that they needed a break. Reid couldn’t believe Luke; he said something like “I’m here every day with you, what more can you want? What more can I give you? A piece of paper can’t do that for you.”
That had devastated Luke.
So, Luke had left their home and moved into an apartment that he had seen a “For Rent” sign on only the day before. He didn’t know how or why, but the minute he saw the sign, he called the number and inquired about it. Later that day, he signed a lease.
Luke spent the first week or so miserable in his apartment. His grandmother, Lucinda, took him out for lunch, and while promising not to interfere, listened to Luke’s story and gently suggested that Luke give Reid a little more time, because she knew that Reid was crazy for him and he would come back to Luke, and they could resolve their differences and move forward. Luke wasn’t convinced by this, but it did make him feel better.
He buried his anger toward Reid so deep down that he didn’t even know it still existed.
In the meantime, he threw himself into work, and he became very involved in several new projects and found that he was overwhelmed by the time commitments needed to complete them. His new assistant, Gary, a young but able man, had volunteered to help Luke with additional duties and soon he was working side by side with Luke. Luke was grateful to Gary for helping him out of this bad situation, and he was glad for the companionship. They soon became inseparable at work, even eating lunch and dinners together as they discussed the various projects and what the Foundation’s goals should be in the future.
Luke was very happy to have someone like Gary around, someone who seemed to be in synch with Luke. Most of their conversations revolved around work, but more and more, little bits of personal information were escaping and they were beginning to find out they really did have a lot in common. Also, Luke liked Gary’s commitment to his job and his ideals, and he liked the ideas that Gary presented to Luke as solutions to problems they encountered. Pretty soon, Dana, who had replaced Gary as Luke’s assistant, used to joke that the two of them were joined at the hip.
Soon, Gary was proposing big, ambitious programs for the Foundation. He presented them with every detail pinned down, which greatly impressed Luke, who was able to persuade the Foundation’s Board to back them. Luke then had Gary oversee them.
One night when they were working late, Luke was feeling frustrated because the numbers he was running weren’t coming out right. Gary took the forms away from him and soon came back and said, “They’re ok. I got them to come out right.”
Luke was elated and patted Gary’s shoulder, and kidded, “I’m so glad you could figure that out. I’m so grateful.”
To celebrate, they went to Yo’s to relax and shoot some pool. They were unwinding at the pool table when Gary suddenly leaned over and pressed his lips against Luke’s. Luke was taken aback, but his body reminded him how long it had been since anyone had kissed him, much less wanted him, and Gary’s lips felt warm and inviting.
Gary pulled back and said, “I hope you don’t mind.”
Luke wasn’t sure if he did or not, when Gary ended those thoughts with another kiss, this one much deeper and more delicious than the last. Luke was a free man and he had been feeling lonely lately. He pulled Gary closer.
Luke didn’t dream about Gary. It was strange. But Luke was glad that while he slumbered, he never dreamt of Gary and didn’t have to relive the discovery of what he had been up to. It was bad enough to go through it once.
Luke thought he’d been so in love with him, that Gary was so right for him and that they fit so perfectly together because they liked so many of the same things; just the opposite of he and Reid. How Gary was his soulmate. How Gary acted like he appreciated Luke. And how wrong Luke had been about all of this.
Even though Reid had never come running back to him, he always wondered if there had been a chance there. Probably. One problem was that he quickly got so wrapped up in Gary, he rarely gave Reid a second thought, except as a bad memory and to think how much better off he was with Gary. So if Reid would’ve offered to marry Luke, given up his job, or had done everything Luke had wanted for the rest of his life, Luke wouldn’t have paid attention, because Gary was busy filling his head with ideas and dreams and false impressions.
Luke had loved his relationship with Gary. They were so close, they did everything together. Because they seemed to like all of the same things, there was very little friction between them. And Luke liked being the older, wiser one in the relationship and introducing Gary to many of the finer points in life. He thought Gary was about 23 and just out of college, but later he found out that Gary wasn’t even his real name and he was older than Luke. He had a record, and it was obvious he had targeted Luke as a mark.
Luke wondered why he hadn’t seen through Gary sooner. Lucinda certainly had, or at least she had hinted that he ought to, “look further into that young man.” Everyone else had been charmed by him and thought he was perfect for Luke. Luke cringed when he thought about Gary’s romantic proposal and how deliriously happy he’d been to accept. Looking back, Luke could see that it was more than a little too good to be true.
It was during the annual audit that some anomalies were noticed. Luke went to talk to Gary about them so they could figure out what had happened, but Gary had suddenly vanished. Luke’s whole world had crashed down around him and he was numb for a time while he kept learning more and more about Gary and what he had done.
When Luke felt a little stronger, he decided he wanted to reestablish some sort of relationship with Reid, perhaps starting out as friends. He wasn’t really ready for anything more, but there was still something in the back of his mind that clung to that man he’d been deeply in love with and the relationship they’d enjoyed the first two years. He wasn’t sure how Reid would take to this idea, because they rarely talked or saw each other anymore. He really missed Reid, in so many ways, but he especially missed talking with him. However, he was very nervous about how Reid would react.
So he invited Reid to dinner, and thought it was adorable when Reid was discussing his work. Then Reid asked him how his life was and Luke couldn’t help but spill his guts all over. He should have known better than to tell an old love about the one who just broke your heart. But he was already feeling that connection with Reid that he had missed, and he couldn’t stop pouring out his heart to him about his pain. Afterwards, he wanted to kick himself several times for having such diarrhea of the mouth.
Then, at the end, when he had mentioned being friends, he felt terrible about the look that crossed Reid’s face who then said, “I can’t do this.” Luke decided to leave Reid alone for the time being while the dust settled and he sorted out his life. He knew that their breakup had taken a toll on Reid, and he didn’t want to ever cause him any more anguish. He could see the pain was still there, and he regretted stirring it up.
At that moment, he’d wanted to grab Reid and hug him and never let him go, but why hadn’t he? There was too much water that had gone under that bridge, he supposed. Reid would probably freak out if he did something like that. And besides, Reid was becoming quite well-known. There was talk that he would someday soon win a Nobel Prize. What would somebody like that want with someone like him, who had never even graduated from college? Someone who had practically helped bring down his own Foundation and as a result, many needy people would have to do without. It killed Luke that Reid had stepped down as Chief of Staff after they were no longer together, and he seemed to be quite busy traveling all over. Just like he had promised Luke years ago, telling him that if he wanted to, they would go together and see the world, but Luke couldn’t see that far ahead at the time to believe that it would really happen.
During this time, he began to dream of Reid nearly every night. Reid was always there and they were back together, sometimes they were fighting or having mind-blowing sex, while other times they gently kissed and talked with one another. He would wake up with a terrible ache in his chest and often tears streaming down his cheeks.
About this time, Luke knew he had begun to spiral downward, but he couldn’t put a finger on when he had lost his footing. Was it when he was still with Reid, or when he left, or got caught up with Gary? Or after that? Everything seemed to go wrong, and he had no control over anything. He knew that his confidence had dwindled down to almost nothing. He felt as if he had made one bad decision after another, when at the time he thought he was making the right choices for his life. Luke began to believe it really didn’t matter what he decided or what he did, and he started to feel that nothing was important. He was so lost. He began to dabble in one night stands, just to relieve the physical needs that he had and to get a little attention. He missed the physical contact, the closeness of being with someone, even though he had no emotional connection with the new someone. And to numb the pain, he began drinking, a little here, a little there. He didn’t think it would become a problem. He was just trying to keep afloat.
And a few weeks ago he sank even lower, when the Board addressed him about his ethics and spoke about ousting him from his own Foundation, although they gave him a probationary period of six months. Desperate to keep his position, he had tried to call Lucinda, but she was off with John somewhere and was incommunicado. Luke took this as a sign that he really needed to own what he’d done and not ask her to bail him out.
But then he was blindsided. He’d been sitting at work one afternoon a little over a week ago when his mother, Lily, suddenly appeared in his office. She looked pale and her eyes were red. Luke smiled and stood up to greet her, but he was concerned by how she looked. All she could blurt out was, “You better sit down.” She started sobbing and Luke somehow got the story out of her that there had been an accident and Faith and the baby she was carrying had died instantly in the crash. Luke went numb. They’d had so many problems with Faith over the years, and she had finally gotten back on the right track and seemed to have straightened out her life. Once she learned she was pregnant, she had become serious and decided she was going to clean up her act. And she had. And now her life and her unborn baby had been snuffed out when her car had gone over a patch of black ice and it spun into a tree. It was all senseless. There was no one to blame. And the big black void in Luke’s heart grew exponentially larger. The whole family was heartbroken, and the pain of losing Faith had only added on to what Luke was already struggling with. The weight of it made his life unbearable.
Luke woke up and remembered again where he was. He could tell it was daylight, because rays of sunshine were peeking around the heavy drapes. He reached with his fingers to softly touch Reid. He was so happy to have him near, and he wanted to just touch him because it had been so long.
Although he tried to be careful, that slight touch awoke Reid. He rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back on. “Morning,” said Luke.
“Humph.”
“You never were good in the morning.” Reid looked at him. Luke smiled and tilted his head. “Those glasses look good on you.”
Reid huffed and took them off to rub his eyes again. Luke swore he saw some sparks coming off Reid just like in the old days, even if Luke was so lamely flirting with him.
“Does that line work on anyone?”
That made Luke chuckle and he tried to sit up, although the room swayed a little bit.
“Careful.” warned Reid. “Here, drink some ice water.” Luke took a slug and it stayed down. “Have some more.”
Luke drank more and laid back down for a while. They stayed in companionable silence for quite a long time, until Reid finally said, “Do you think you can try again?”
Luke slid up to a sitting position and nodded his head. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and took his time to get up to a standing position. Reid watched him and then handed him his shirt and other clothes. Luke sat back down to get dressed.
Luke was able to walk and Reid held his arm as they walked out of the room and down the stairs. Luke got into Reid’s car and simply looked at him when he got in on his side. “What do we do now?” Luke asked.
Reid replied, “First, we get you home.”
“No, I don’t mean that.”
Reid looked straight ahead and his voice cracked as he said, “What do you mean?”
Luke leaned his cheek against the backrest as he turned to face Reid. “I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. But first, I want to thank you for coming last night.”
Reid turned his head and looked at him.
Luke bravely went on, “I was really at the bottom of a black hole.”
“I know,” Reid said softly.
Luke continued, “And I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t come.” He stopped and sighed.
Reid reached over and stroked Luke’s cheek with his index finger. “You’re ok now. But you need some help. Will you accept it?”
Luke sighed and turned to look out the windshield. He knew what Reid was talking about. He wasn’t sure he was ready for therapy or rehab or whatever, but he knew he had a problem. He knew he needed to work on it, but he really didn’t think he could deal with it right now.
He was just getting ready to say that to Reid, when he turned his head and looked in Reid’s eyes. He saw the love mixed in with pain and fear as Reid was holding his breath, waiting for Luke’s answer, and Luke began to tear up. He thought that he had lost all rights to Reid’s love, yet he felt happy and relieved to see that Reid still cared very much. Hope flickered in his heart; he never thought he would feel that again. A tear slid down Luke’s cheek and Reid used his thumb to wipe it away. He put his palm on Luke’s cheek.
Reid said, “I can be here for you, if you need that.” He paused and said,” I’ll always be here for you, Luke.”
Luke’s heart stopped, because he now realized just how deeply he had hurt this wonderful man and here he was, not asking a thing from Luke, but with love in his eyes he was trying to help and support him. Luke realized that he still had a chance with Reid, but his gut told him he really needed to fix himself before he even contemplated anything more.
Luke felt his body relax at the relief of Reid touching him so tenderly. He started to open his mouth, but the tears were pouring out of his eyes and he began to sob. “Yes. Yes, I’ll do it.” He finally saw the light blazing into the abyss where he’d lain for so long. He turned his head to kiss Reid’s hand and managed to sob out, “Thank you.”
Reid leaned over and gathered Luke in his arms and held him close, while stroking his cheek and hair. When Luke quieted down, Reid kissed Luke’s forehead and said, “Shall we get going then?” Luke nodded and leaned back in his seat. Reid started the car, and they headed back to Oakdale.
Written by: tldreamer
Rating: R
Prompt: Here!
Author's Notes: This contains buckets of angst, fair warning! Also contains Luke/Other. Thank you to my beta, traciamc.
The phone rang in the middle of the night, and Reid grabbed it, recognizing the ring tone he’d assigned to Luke. He went from asleep to wide awake in an instant. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay,” Luke said, but he sounded far from it. “I’m sorry to call you this late.”
“No…no, it’s all right,” Reid said, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and running a hand over his face. “What’s up?”
“I…didn’t know who else to call.”
Reid’s stomach twisted and he said, “Where are you?”
“I’m at a hotel off Interstate 57.”
“The name?”
“I..don’t know. I didn’t look when I checked in.” Reid could hear Luke rustling around in the background. “Ummm, Cozy Inn.”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“Reid, you don’t have to…I…I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Luke didn’t sound right, something was very off. Reid said, “Listen, Luke, I’ll be there.”
Reid hung up the phone and ran his fingers through his hair while he sighed. It was late, and he’d had a long day. But if Luke called, he knew he had better go see what was up, because it had been 72 days since they last spoke.
Actually, it was a miracle that Reid was even in town right now. Reid shuddered to think that if Luke was in some sort of trouble and took the effort to call him, what would have happened if he hadn’t been around? What would Luke have done then? He pushed that thought aside and considered the facts at hand. If it was the place he thought it was, what was Luke doing at such a fleabag? It made the Wagon Wheel look like a four star hotel. He had the feeling whatever it was couldn’t be anything good.
He threw on some sweats and then pulled on his parka, grabbing his keys as he headed out the door. He shivered in the cold as he started the car and then put it in gear and backed it out of the garage.
Although he tried not to, he kept thinking of what might be happening with Luke. The more he thought about the various scenarios that led to why Luke might have called, the more his heart pounded in his chest and his hands began to sweat as he gripped the steering wheel.
As he waited for a red light to turn green, his stomach began to knot up and he told himself to control his breathing and calm down. He tried this for a few minutes, but his nerves were on edge.
He was attempting to keep his emotions at bay as he drove along, but they had been held back for so long that they threatened to overwhelm and bury him.
He was pulling up close to the Cozy Inn when he noticed he didn’t see Luke’s car in the parking lot. Luke hadn’t told him what room he was in, so Reid pulled out his phone and called him. It rang and rang and Reid began to panic. Finally, though, Luke answered and he sounded really bad. “Hello?” he croaked.
“It’s Reid. I’m almost there. What room are you in?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look at the room phone. It should say on it.”
There was a pause as Luke was searching. “Room 125. It’s upstairs.”
“I’ll be up in two minutes.” Reid, who had already pulled into the parking lot, hung up. This dump was probably built in the 60’s and was only two stories, with stairs on the outside of the building leading up to the 2nd floor. Reid turned off the ignition, took his keys and got out of the car. He beeped to lock his car and then ran up the stairs, two at a time, guessing which way the room was. He was lucky and turned the right way.
He cleared his throat and knocked on the door. “Luke, are you in there?”
He tried the doorknob and was a little upset to find that it was not locked, so he opened the door and peered in. Luke, who was sprawled on top of the queen size bed that had already been slept in, was wearing only boxers and a white t-shirt, with the rest of his clothes strewn about.
Reid stepped in and closed the door. He went over to Luke, whose eyes were open, but glassy. He looked thin and his color was not good. Then Reid smelled it. Alcohol. And his heart stopped. Was Luke trying to kill himself? His anger rose, but he managed to beat it down. He knew what had happened and he knew that Luke was probably hurting badly.
He knelt down on the floor beside Luke and gingerly touched his arm. “Luke? Are you ok?”
Luke suddenly moved like he had awakened and when he saw Reid, he weakly smiled. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
Reid looked over Luke quickly and judged that Luke probably hadn’t had that much to drink, but his tolerance was probably low and he’d become drunk quickly. It was even probable that Luke hadn’t eaten lately, so pouring a little alcohol in his empty stomach would knock him over quickly. Normally, he might have a hell of a hangover coming his way, but Reid was very concerned about Luke’s kidney and its tolerance for such treatment. He wondered if Luke was even taking his meds regularly. He could tell by the hang of Luke’s shirt that he had lost weight, a lot of it.
“What’s going on, Luke?”
Luke looked pained and he turned his head away. He started to speak, but then he stopped himself. His eyes filled with tears and he brushed the overflow away.
Reid grabbed Luke’s wrist and he consciously began checking Luke’s pulse, but he was also waiting for an answer. With his other hand, he felt Luke’s head. He did not seem to be running a fever.
Luke pulled his arm away and sighed and then looked into Reid’s eyes. “I don’t know. I’m sorry to drag you here.” He looked away and turned his body away from Reid.
Reid suddenly felt very tired and his voice showed it. “I’m here. Just tell me what’s going on.” He waited and said, “What can I do?”
Luke turned his head and looked at him for a long while. “When did you get back from Sweden?”
Reid got up and sat down on the single chair in the room, which was at the desk near the bed. He pulled it over close to the bed. So Luke knew. He was more than a little surprised. He figured Luke wasn’t that interested in anything about him anymore. “About 10 days ago.”
“Did you like it?”
“Yeah, the food was good.” He didn’t mention all of the beautiful blond haired men there. But it didn’t matter, because none of them were Luke.
Reid could tell that Luke was still a little drunk by the way he snickered at that remark and then flung his arm to playfully jab Reid in the arm, but it ended up being more like a punch. Reid took it.
“You still crack me up. You go all the way there to deliver some important paper to the neurological world, and all you can talk about is the food.”
Reid half-smiled. “Yeah. You know my priorities.”
“Did you eat pickled herring and drink vodka…” Luke suddenly turned grey and began to retch. Reid was thankful that there was a waste basket nearby. He grabbed it and pulled Luke over so he could begin to use it. Reid helped hold Luke as he emptied his stomach’s contents then made him lie down as he went to the bathroom to grab a washcloth to wipe Luke’s mouth, and another one to use as a cold compress on his head. Luke suffered through several waves of nausea, so Reid got Luke some water, but he couldn’t keep it down. Reid then went out in search of the ice machine and brought some back for Luke to suck on in his mouth.
After a while, Reid could sense another big round coming on, so he grabbed Luke and tried to walk him into the bathroom. It wasn’t easy, but he was glad he did so, because Luke was able to hold onto the toilet bowl as Reid held onto him. After that round, Luke was coughing and choking and tears rolled out of his eyes. Reid grabbed another wash cloth and soaked it with cold water, then put it on Luke’s head. Luke instantly began to lie down on the floor of the bathroom, so Reid tried to get him up, and when he wasn’t successful, he carefully picked up Luke and carried him to the bed. He felt a pang because Luke had obviously dropped more weight than he had thought; Luke seemed so light in his arms.
Luke hadn’t passed out, but he was close to it, and didn’t seem aware of what was going on. Reid had ascertained that Luke wasn’t in immediate danger, but he felt he should stay and keep an eye on him in case things took a turn for the worse. Luke fell asleep, so Reid covered him up with the sheet, pulled his chair closer to the bed and watched him. His adorable Luke. How he missed watching him sleep. He always had such a peaceful expression on his face; Reid always thought that was the way angels would look, if there were such a thing. But tonight he looked haggard and raw. Reid looked away and sighed. Luke wasn’t his anymore and hadn’t been for 714 days.
Reid couldn’t sleep and he kept his eyes on Luke, but his mind began to wander. He looked around the room and saw a cigarette butt in the ashtray with two glasses that had a little water in them, probably the remains of ice cubes. He knew that Luke couldn’t stand cigarettes. He sighed. He hoped that Luke was at least using protection.
A pain seared through his chest from one shoulder, zagging through his heart and lungs into his belly. It still hurt. How had they let it come to this? What happened to them? He’d thought about it so many times and tried to figure it out, but it still didn’t really make sense. At times, he thought it was all his fault because he really could be an asshole, and other times he felt that Luke had walked out on the relationship. But deep down, he guessed they both contributed to the demise of their life together.
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. How did they go from being so happy and in love to being almost strangers? How could they both be in such pain? Maybe Luke’s pain was different from Reid’s, but Reid would do anything he could to stop Luke from feeling like this.
Reid ruminated some more and was honest enough to realize that he had slackened in keeping their relationship a priority. But there he was, building the most awesome neurological wing while at the same time being Chief of Staff. He reveled in his new responsibilities, which were at times all-encompassing, and Luke was so happy for him. At least he was for a while.
Reid was at the hospital more than he was at home. There was always some crisis, whether it be a critical patient, human resources, funding for certain services, you name it. Luke started to complain that he was too hands on and that there were other capable people who could handle such projects, with Reid’s oversight. But Reid always said that he had to get everything in the new wing up and running smoothly before he would feel comfortable about turning some of those responsibilities over to others, as well as setting new protocols as Chief of Staff that couldn’t wait if Memorial was to stay competitive. But what he neglected to do was to often tell Luke all about this and his timetable for making this happen. He saw that now. He guessed that Luke thought that their life would be stuck in this pattern forever. At least he had said so during some of their big rows.
Reid closed his eyes as some of their fights popped back up in his memory. He wished he could erase them. What Luke said. What he said. All in the heat of the moment. He wished he could take certain things back so Luke would have never heard him say them. But, of course, that wasn’t possible, and sometimes what one said was branded on the other person’s heart. He’d learned that the hard way and it was a bitter lesson.
Reid started going down the familiar path of how he had failed in the relationship. He had been so excited by his job and all of the things going on the hospital, that he now realized that he probably was neglecting their relationship. But it had started so strongly, he thought the foundation they had built would help them weather any storms. But maybe that’s because he was using the wrong metaphor as Luke pointed out once. Luke, who was the writer and more poetic of the two, had said that a relationship is like a garden. You have to tend it and keep an eye on it, water and love it. You couldn’t just stomp in, throw down the seeds and little water and think it was all going to be great.
And then after all of these fights (and there were many of them), it got to where he began to feel uptight before going home early or spending a lot of time with Luke on a free weekend afternoon, because he felt Luke’s pressure. After too many of these fights, Luke threw down the gauntlet. He wanted more commitment in the relationship. Reid remembered shifting in his chair when he had heard that. Luke barreled ahead and announced that he wanted to get married. Reid gulped and began to panic. He told Luke that now wasn’t a good time. Luke yelled and asked when it would be. Reid said he didn’t know, but what he did know was that he wasn’t ready.
Reid saw now that Luke thought that the hospital was more important than he was. Reid sighed. He’d told Luke that wasn’t true. He’d also told him he wasn’t good at this relationship stuff. But he knew he should’ve tried more and listened more. He had just been so busy and he had meant to cut back slowly on his workload, but something always came up.
Reid didn’t know what else to say and he began to avoid Luke, which wasn’t hard to do because he was working night and day. However, he was dumbfounded late one evening when Luke marched into the kitchen, where Reid was preparing a sandwich, and announced that he wanted to take a break. Reid hadn’t taken him seriously and chuckled, which set Luke off and he yelled something about Reid probably wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t shown up to tell him. Reid quickly became serious when he saw how upset Luke was, so he asked what the break was exactly and how long would it be. Luke wasn’t sure, but he knew that he needed it and some time away from them so that he could be on his own for a while and sort out what his priorities were, and what he wanted in life.
Reid felt the floor go out from underneath his feet. This sounded final. He tried to tell Luke to stick around and he’d figure something out with his schedule. He’d find someone, something - but Luke just shook his head and said he needed this. It was important. And he thought it would be a good idea that they limit seeing each other and any other communications for awhile. Reid reluctantly agreed and later thought it probably was a good thing to have some time apart and they would be able to see how much they loved each other and try to build a stronger, healthier relationship.
Luke left immediately with a few bags (he said he’d rented an apartment, which made Reid’s heart sink even more when he thought about how premeditated Luke’s actions were) and Reid laid down and cried for the first time since his parents died.
He dropped into a depression. He couldn’t sleep and he lost his appetite. His nerves were shattered and he often began to hyperventilate whenever he saw or spoke to Luke. Luckily, Luke never saw or noticed his problems breathing because Reid was usually able to hold off his attack until after Luke had left or hung up.
He had always prided himself on being self-sufficient ever since his parents had died. But he now found out that he had only been complete when he was with Luke. It was Luke who filled out his life and made it so much better and happier. Without him, he had a huge gaping hole in him that didn’t seem to close or change. He knew he was being dramatic, but he missed Luke so much. He couldn’t sleep because he kept waking up and knowing that Luke wasn’t next to him caused a sharp pain in his heart.
Katie became quite worried and was always asking him how he was. He finally broke down one night and admitted his pain over Luke as he literally leaned on Katie’s shoulder, and she cried over her friend because she knew his heart was broken.
During the early part of the separation, Reid didn’t know what to do or how to forge ahead. He tried to keep to his regular routine, but sometimes he tried to guess when Luke might be at Java or some other favorite place. One time he stopped in at Al’s to pick up some dinner, and Luke was sitting there, working on some papers, and he invited Reid to join him. They had a pleasant time and Reid felt like he probably had a goofy smile plastered on his face the entire meal, because he was so happy to talk to Luke and not argue or feel pressured. They laughed and talked and it gave Reid some hope. But at the end of the meal, Luke said he had to go and that he’d had a nice time, and he got up and left. There were no plans for another meeting. Nada. Reid went home and drank a couple of beers in front of the TV, hoping to medicate himself into sleep. But other than that, Luke rarely called, and they didn’t encounter each other very often.
One evening Katie came over with Chinese food after having left Jacob with Margo. The two friends caught up with each other before Katie got to work. She told Reid he should go talk to Luke, but Reid thought that Luke wasn’t ready. He felt that Luke would signal when he was, and then he would go. Reid didn’t want to blow this. But Katie disagreed. She encouraged Reid to tell Luke how he felt, and how he missed and needed him, and that he was willing to work it out with Luke. He would change his schedule, his job, anything. At first, Reid thought this was all stupid. Of course Luke knew how much he loved him. He’d quit his job at Memorial before, hadn’t he? And he was getting close to the wing being exactly where and what he wanted it to be. He didn’t want to walk away from that. But the more he thought about it and Katie’s rationale, he realized - what good is all this without Luke? He knew it was time to take a break from his ego and pride, and see what the two of them could work out.
Katie could tell she’d made progress with Reid, and she happily kissed his cheek when she left, and told him to “go get your man!” Reid hugged her and told her thanks. Reid thought about it all for about thirty seconds, then went to his bedroom, put on the black jeans that he knew Luke liked and the burgundy shirt that he’d worn when they first got to know each other. He checked himself in the mirror and smiled for the first time in a long time. It was time to go get his man. It has been too long, and the ache was too painful to endure.
He took a deep breath as he headed out the door in search of Luke. He drove around to Luke’s work and then to his apartment, but didn’t see his car, so then Reid headed to Old Town, walked to Al’s, the bookstore, Java and other haunts. Luke wasn’t to be found. Reid then went to the Lakeview, but no one had seen him there, either. He remembered that Luke liked to occasionally go to Yo’s to play pool with Casey and other friends, so he drove over there.
It was a pretty quiet night at Yo’s when Reid arrived. He quickly could see that Luke wasn’t in the bar or at the pool table. However, before he left, he decided to relieve himself and headed to the men’s room. He stepped in and was preparing himself at the urinal when he heard some noise back in the stalls. He turned around and saw four feet, all in the same stall. He smirked and continued on with his business. He zipped up, washed his hands and was just opening the door to leave when he heard a giggle and a voice that distinctly sounded like Luke’s, saying “You’re crazy.” And then someone else’s laugh joining his giggle.
Reid’s heart dropped. He looked again at the feet and recognized Luke’s shoes. Reid managed to walk out of the men’s room and then out of the bar to the street, where he leaned against the wall and began to have trouble breathing. He felt that if he had been disemboweled, it wouldn’t have hurt more than this. Reid was gasping for breath and somehow stumbled to his car, where he sat for a long time, trying to process what had he had just seen and heard. He didn’t know how long he sat in the car in the shadows near Yo’s, but sometime later he saw Luke come out of Yo’s kissing another man. They were grabbing and kissing each other like teenagers and laughing, then slowly walking as they continued to kiss. Reid thought he would be sick. He couldn’t help but look, and he realized who the other man was. It was Luke’s young assistant from the Foundation, Gary. Reid wondered how long this had been going on. He knew that they worked closely together, but he never expected this. He knew that Luke was “taking a break” but he hadn’t thought it meant that. His heart might now be frozen, but his soul felt like it had been scorched, leaving it sterile.
After some time, he was able to turn the key in the ignition and drive home, although he couldn’t remember how he got there. He went into a fog for a few weeks, and Katie became seriously concerned when he didn’t return her calls. He didn’t return Luke’s calls either. Luke hadn’t called too often before, so it seemed strange that he would start calling Reid so many times and leaving him messages begging him to call back. Finally, Luke just left him the message that he had wanted to tell Reid in person, that he was seeing someone and he wanted Reid to hear it from him and not anyone else. He felt his only option was to leave this message because Reid had also been eluding him even when he dropped by Memorial.
Katie rose to the occasion when she figured out what was going on. She invited herself and Jacob over many times to watch movies or eat takeout when Chris was busy at the hospital. She bolstered Reid and distracted him, which endeared her to him forever. She kept telling Reid, “He needs to do this and get it out of his system.” Reid would nod and feel empty, and he hoped Katie knew what she was talking about.
It seemed to Reid that Luke was gone and he had the feeling that it was for good.
Months had passed by at this point, and Luke and Reid rarely saw or spoke with one another. Once or twice, Reid had run into the happy couple and usually tried to back out of the room or leave immediately. At hospital board meetings, Luke was very professional and cordial. He always greeted Reid as “Dr. Oliver” and rarely looked at him in meetings, even when Reid was speaking. Reid could barely look at Luke because he looked so delectable in his suit and tie, and it made Reid’s heart ache even more to see him. He was always relieved when the meetings were over and he wouldn’t have to face him again for a few months.
In the meantime, Reid decided to hunker down and become even more devoted to his first love, the brain. It took several months, but he managed to find his replacement as Chief of Staff (by this time, Luke was no longer serving on the board so Reid was relieved that he didn’t have to deal with Luke in all those tedious extra meetings with candidates and votes) and he began to focus on the wing and surgery. He conducted research and thought long about some of the medical situations he was being faced with. After more than 6 long, hard years, the wing was becoming well-known all over the country, and doctors were now coming to visit and watch Reid and the other neurologists with their ground-breaking protocols and procedures. Reid was asked to consult on other cases nationwide and he began to write papers that were well-received around the world.
He was trying to fill that hole that Luke left. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than nothing.
It was a good thing that he did, because one day Katie showed up on his doorstep with a serious look on her face. Reid let her in and she seemed agitated. He asked her to sit down, and she grabbed his hand and pulled on it so he would sit with her on the couch. She said, “I don’t know how to do this, so I’m just going to go ahead and do it so you don’t find out some other way.” She opened her purse and pulled out a newspaper clipping and handed it to Reid. She said, “I’m so sorry.” Reid unfolded the clipping and saw a photo of Luke and Gary, with the opening sentence, “Lily and Holden Snyder and Mary and Jason Becker are pleased to announce the engagement of their sons, Luke Snyder and Gary Becker..” Reid felt his insides falling apart, and when Katie saw his face, she pulled him into a big hug and didn’t let him go.
It was at that point that Reid decided to move out of the home he’d shared with Luke. He felt there was no chance that they would ever be together again, and as more time went on, the more the memories of the happy times they’d had for more than 4 years there began to wear on Reid’s soul. Once he found another place, he began to sleep a little better, because he wasn’t sensing Luke’s essence everywhere.
Then one day, Luke called him and asked if he wouldn’t mind meeting for dinner at the Lakeview. Reid agreed because earlier that day a little blonde birdie had told him that Luke and that guy were on the outs. She encouraged him to go “get his man.” This time Reid was more wary. But he agreed to go. Once again, he tried to dress in clothes that he remembered Luke always appreciating when he wore them when they were together.
The dinner began well. Luke actually looked happy to see him, and Reid knew that Luke was more delicious than anything on the menu, but he settled for a porterhouse steak. Luke looked amused at Reid’s order, as he ordered himself a salad. Things were going well. Luke asked Reid about the wing, and Reid gabbled on and on about what they were doing and some of the new procedures, and their growing reputation for saving lives that only a few years ago, would have been thought hopeless. Luke smiled at Reid’s enthusiasm as he listened and nibbled on his salad.
Reid suddenly stopped and asked Luke what was new with him. Luke looked down at his salad and admitted, “Gary and I broke up.” Reid wasn’t sure if his heart did a double flip, but he tried not to smile too much while sounding sincere when he replied, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Luke still wasn’t looking at him and said, “Yeah, well, I guess I should’ve known better.” He took a sip of water and Reid wondered if he should encourage Luke to discuss it more, or just let it lie. He didn’t have to think about this too long because Luke began to pour out the whole sordid story. Gary, who Luke thought was his soulmate, was a con artist and embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from the Foundation and ultimately the needy people who the Foundation could have helped. Reid sadly looked down and realized that Gary had taken more than that, he had stolen Luke’s heart. Luke couldn’t stop talking about how much he was fooled by Gary. How Gary had seemed to like almost everything Luke did. How Gary was always ready and available to do whatever Luke wanted. And how Gary had disappeared with all that money, when he could’ve stayed with Luke (with Reid thinking, who would have happily lavished him with gifts and money for the rest of his life).
Reid tried to hold his composure, but the pain in his chest was going from his shoulder across down to his hip again. It was a familiar pain, but tonight it was especially sharp. It made it very difficult to breathe. He felt pain for Luke, who he could tell was hurting over this asshole, Gary. And he hurt because he wanted to grab Luke and say, “Forget him! The man who really loves you is sitting right here with you, right now!” But he didn’t. He let Luke vent about Gary, and Luke seemed to feel better by doing so.
However, a little glimmer of hope began to dwell within Reid’s heart. He thought if he could just sit patiently, some time not too far down the road, Luke would come to his senses (aided by Reid, of course) and realize that Reid loved him and wanted to be with him forever, in whatever shape, form or whatever size that would be. Reid had learned the hard way that patience truly was a virtue, especially when there was no other choice.
The hope began to grow slowly as the dinner ended. Then Luke gave a sad smile, grabbed Reid’s hand, and said, “Thanks so much for being my friend. I really needed that tonight.”
The hope in Reid withered at the sound of that. He remembered back to when Luke always wanted to be Noah Mayer’s friend. Tonight was the first time Reid ever felt sorry for that S.O.B. He knew that Noah had loved Luke, and he now realized how hard it was for Noah to just be Luke’s friend. Reid became flustered and couldn’t remember extracting his hand from Luke’s, but he was sure he muttered something and made some sort of excuse as to why he needed to go.
He didn’t know how he got himself out of there and somehow to his car, because the pain in his chest and lungs was terrible, and he was gasping for breath again. Once he got in the car, he rested his head on the steering wheel and tried to calm himself. Eventually, he was able to drive home.
From then on, he stepped up his work and research. He wrote and presented more papers and took on added consultations out of town. Although Oakdale was his address, there weren’t that many days that he was actually in town. And that’s the way he preferred it.
Luke woke up and rubbed his eyes because he felt groggy and slightly nauseous. He got his bearings and realized he wasn’t at home, and then groaned as he remembered the activities from much earlier in the evening. He turned his head the other way and almost stopped breathing when he saw Reid sitting there, asleep with his head against the wall, softly snoring. Luke closed his eyes and reopened them, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, because he could remember who he’d been with earlier in the evening and it wasn’t Reid.
Luke looked at Reid and smiled. Even after all this time and everything they’d been through, Reid still made his heart flutter. Reid looked good. And when did he start wearing glasses? Luke liked them on him. Very sexy. He noticed that Reid’s hair was cropped very short, very severe and he frowned. He liked Reid’s hair longer, so his fingers could play in the curls. Luke sighed. He shouldn’t think like that because Reid wasn’t his any longer. He saw wisps of grey hair at Reid’s temples along with some deepening crow’s feet and he noticed how tired Reid looked. Luke’s heart swelled to see Reid so vulnerable when he slept. Although he could be rough and tough and scare nurses and interns to death, Reid’s face when he was asleep was still a joy for Luke to behold. And then Luke saw the little paunch that had begun to form on Reid’s belly. He grinned. Finally, all of those horrendous eating habits were catching up with him! But he still looked as hot as hell to Luke.
Luke sighed. He hated for Reid to see him here, in a place like this. He now remembered calling Reid, and he wished he hadn’t, but he’d been drinking and his heartache had overwhelmed him. Unbelievably, Reid had come. Reid, who had told him, “I can’t do this. I can’t do friends. With you.” The love that Luke felt must have gently brushed against Reid because he suddenly opened his eyes and saw that Luke was awake. “How are you feeling?”
Luke croaked, “Pretty rough.”
“That’s to be expected. What were you drinking?”
Luke hesitated. He really didn’t need a dressing down from Reid right now. “Tequila.”
Reid looked like he really wanted to say something, but he kept quiet. He finally said, “You’ve had a rough week.”
Luke’s eyes filled with tears, so he looked away.
Reid finally said, “I can’t take your pain away, but I am here for you. I’m not sure what good that is, but it is what it is.”
Luke sniffed. “Don’t be self-deprecating. It doesn’t suit you.”
Reid changed the subject. “Do you think you’re good enough to get up and go home?”
Luke thought about it. His stomach really hurt and his head was killing him. The taste in his mouth was pretty bad, so he was pretty sure he’d been sick earlier. “I don’t know.”
“Then that means you’re not. Here, take an ice cube and suck on it.” He handed Luke a clean motel room glass with some ice in it and Luke gingerly slipped a cube in his mouth. “Just lie there and rest. With a few more hours of sleep, I predict you’ll feel well enough to get up and go. I’ll drive you home and we can make arrangements for someone to pick up your car.”
Luke looked at the ceiling for a while and finally said, “I didn’t drive here.”
“Well.” Luke peeked and saw that Reid had a funny look on his face. Reid took a breath and said, “That makes it easier then. So, keep working on that ice cube and get some more sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
Luke looked over at Reid and was so grateful he hadn’t made a comment about how or why he was there. He’d forgotten just how wonderful Reid could be like that sometimes. Other people would’ve been very upset and yelling, or at the least making insinuating remarks when they heard that kind of information, but Reid sometimes just took what you told him and never said another word about it. And he didn’t hold it against you. Luke sighed and then closed his eyes.
Luke had those dreams again. How many times had he had them? He was exhausted just thinking about it. They always wore him out, because they were reenactments of his arguments with Reid before he decided to take a break. Or maybe they really weren’t arguments, because Reid rarely participated, they were just Luke sounding off about his feelings. He felt every ounce of frustration and resentment he had carried through that time. He felt that Reid was ignoring him, and that his great loves really were medicine and the hospital, while he came in a distant third. Luke knew he should’ve expected this kind of lifestyle, but it was one thing to think about it and another to live through it. How many dinners were interrupted by calls, how many family holidays were they apart? And they never took vacations like other couples. The two that Luke had planned had to be cancelled at the last minute. They rarely had any quality time together, not that Luke didn’t try. Reid kept telling Luke it would get better, but it didn’t, it only got worse.
And he’d get really angry when Reid didn’t take his complaints too seriously. Reid even laughed at him a few times when he was telling Reid how he felt about their life together. That infuriated Luke and he would stomp off to attempt to cool down before he tried to explain it all over to Reid again. But he never seemed to get through. He couldn’t understand where they’d taken a wrong turn when the first few years they’d had together were so wonderful and idyllic.
It was painful reliving all of this again. It made him feel sick and achy. Back then, he would look at Reid with such love, but he was sure Reid never noticed it. His mind was always on work. He never relaxed and that’s all he talked about. Luke would’ve thought there was another man because their sex life dwindled, but he knew that Reid was just so tired from working non-stop, that sex was taking a back seat.
So, Luke decided to gamble to shake Reid up. He did this by throwing it all in and announcing he wanted to get married. He thought that Reid would probably hesitate, but then realize how much he really did love Luke and he would agree to it sometime. What he didn’t expect, was for Reid to balk when he said it, and then said he wasn’t ready. Although Luke tried to get Reid to talk more about it, Reid didn’t seem to understand the stakes here. Luke had had it. He was ready to walk. He came up with this wedding because he was trying to gauge if Reid really was serious about spending the rest of his life with him or not. If it was “or not,” then Luke thought he should try to move on and eventually find someone who would be more willing.
With a heavy heart, but fueled by the anger and frustration that had pent up over the past two years, Luke went through with his plan when Reid wouldn’t commit. He told Reid that they needed a break. Reid couldn’t believe Luke; he said something like “I’m here every day with you, what more can you want? What more can I give you? A piece of paper can’t do that for you.”
That had devastated Luke.
So, Luke had left their home and moved into an apartment that he had seen a “For Rent” sign on only the day before. He didn’t know how or why, but the minute he saw the sign, he called the number and inquired about it. Later that day, he signed a lease.
Luke spent the first week or so miserable in his apartment. His grandmother, Lucinda, took him out for lunch, and while promising not to interfere, listened to Luke’s story and gently suggested that Luke give Reid a little more time, because she knew that Reid was crazy for him and he would come back to Luke, and they could resolve their differences and move forward. Luke wasn’t convinced by this, but it did make him feel better.
He buried his anger toward Reid so deep down that he didn’t even know it still existed.
In the meantime, he threw himself into work, and he became very involved in several new projects and found that he was overwhelmed by the time commitments needed to complete them. His new assistant, Gary, a young but able man, had volunteered to help Luke with additional duties and soon he was working side by side with Luke. Luke was grateful to Gary for helping him out of this bad situation, and he was glad for the companionship. They soon became inseparable at work, even eating lunch and dinners together as they discussed the various projects and what the Foundation’s goals should be in the future.
Luke was very happy to have someone like Gary around, someone who seemed to be in synch with Luke. Most of their conversations revolved around work, but more and more, little bits of personal information were escaping and they were beginning to find out they really did have a lot in common. Also, Luke liked Gary’s commitment to his job and his ideals, and he liked the ideas that Gary presented to Luke as solutions to problems they encountered. Pretty soon, Dana, who had replaced Gary as Luke’s assistant, used to joke that the two of them were joined at the hip.
Soon, Gary was proposing big, ambitious programs for the Foundation. He presented them with every detail pinned down, which greatly impressed Luke, who was able to persuade the Foundation’s Board to back them. Luke then had Gary oversee them.
One night when they were working late, Luke was feeling frustrated because the numbers he was running weren’t coming out right. Gary took the forms away from him and soon came back and said, “They’re ok. I got them to come out right.”
Luke was elated and patted Gary’s shoulder, and kidded, “I’m so glad you could figure that out. I’m so grateful.”
To celebrate, they went to Yo’s to relax and shoot some pool. They were unwinding at the pool table when Gary suddenly leaned over and pressed his lips against Luke’s. Luke was taken aback, but his body reminded him how long it had been since anyone had kissed him, much less wanted him, and Gary’s lips felt warm and inviting.
Gary pulled back and said, “I hope you don’t mind.”
Luke wasn’t sure if he did or not, when Gary ended those thoughts with another kiss, this one much deeper and more delicious than the last. Luke was a free man and he had been feeling lonely lately. He pulled Gary closer.
Luke didn’t dream about Gary. It was strange. But Luke was glad that while he slumbered, he never dreamt of Gary and didn’t have to relive the discovery of what he had been up to. It was bad enough to go through it once.
Luke thought he’d been so in love with him, that Gary was so right for him and that they fit so perfectly together because they liked so many of the same things; just the opposite of he and Reid. How Gary was his soulmate. How Gary acted like he appreciated Luke. And how wrong Luke had been about all of this.
Even though Reid had never come running back to him, he always wondered if there had been a chance there. Probably. One problem was that he quickly got so wrapped up in Gary, he rarely gave Reid a second thought, except as a bad memory and to think how much better off he was with Gary. So if Reid would’ve offered to marry Luke, given up his job, or had done everything Luke had wanted for the rest of his life, Luke wouldn’t have paid attention, because Gary was busy filling his head with ideas and dreams and false impressions.
Luke had loved his relationship with Gary. They were so close, they did everything together. Because they seemed to like all of the same things, there was very little friction between them. And Luke liked being the older, wiser one in the relationship and introducing Gary to many of the finer points in life. He thought Gary was about 23 and just out of college, but later he found out that Gary wasn’t even his real name and he was older than Luke. He had a record, and it was obvious he had targeted Luke as a mark.
Luke wondered why he hadn’t seen through Gary sooner. Lucinda certainly had, or at least she had hinted that he ought to, “look further into that young man.” Everyone else had been charmed by him and thought he was perfect for Luke. Luke cringed when he thought about Gary’s romantic proposal and how deliriously happy he’d been to accept. Looking back, Luke could see that it was more than a little too good to be true.
It was during the annual audit that some anomalies were noticed. Luke went to talk to Gary about them so they could figure out what had happened, but Gary had suddenly vanished. Luke’s whole world had crashed down around him and he was numb for a time while he kept learning more and more about Gary and what he had done.
When Luke felt a little stronger, he decided he wanted to reestablish some sort of relationship with Reid, perhaps starting out as friends. He wasn’t really ready for anything more, but there was still something in the back of his mind that clung to that man he’d been deeply in love with and the relationship they’d enjoyed the first two years. He wasn’t sure how Reid would take to this idea, because they rarely talked or saw each other anymore. He really missed Reid, in so many ways, but he especially missed talking with him. However, he was very nervous about how Reid would react.
So he invited Reid to dinner, and thought it was adorable when Reid was discussing his work. Then Reid asked him how his life was and Luke couldn’t help but spill his guts all over. He should have known better than to tell an old love about the one who just broke your heart. But he was already feeling that connection with Reid that he had missed, and he couldn’t stop pouring out his heart to him about his pain. Afterwards, he wanted to kick himself several times for having such diarrhea of the mouth.
Then, at the end, when he had mentioned being friends, he felt terrible about the look that crossed Reid’s face who then said, “I can’t do this.” Luke decided to leave Reid alone for the time being while the dust settled and he sorted out his life. He knew that their breakup had taken a toll on Reid, and he didn’t want to ever cause him any more anguish. He could see the pain was still there, and he regretted stirring it up.
At that moment, he’d wanted to grab Reid and hug him and never let him go, but why hadn’t he? There was too much water that had gone under that bridge, he supposed. Reid would probably freak out if he did something like that. And besides, Reid was becoming quite well-known. There was talk that he would someday soon win a Nobel Prize. What would somebody like that want with someone like him, who had never even graduated from college? Someone who had practically helped bring down his own Foundation and as a result, many needy people would have to do without. It killed Luke that Reid had stepped down as Chief of Staff after they were no longer together, and he seemed to be quite busy traveling all over. Just like he had promised Luke years ago, telling him that if he wanted to, they would go together and see the world, but Luke couldn’t see that far ahead at the time to believe that it would really happen.
During this time, he began to dream of Reid nearly every night. Reid was always there and they were back together, sometimes they were fighting or having mind-blowing sex, while other times they gently kissed and talked with one another. He would wake up with a terrible ache in his chest and often tears streaming down his cheeks.
About this time, Luke knew he had begun to spiral downward, but he couldn’t put a finger on when he had lost his footing. Was it when he was still with Reid, or when he left, or got caught up with Gary? Or after that? Everything seemed to go wrong, and he had no control over anything. He knew that his confidence had dwindled down to almost nothing. He felt as if he had made one bad decision after another, when at the time he thought he was making the right choices for his life. Luke began to believe it really didn’t matter what he decided or what he did, and he started to feel that nothing was important. He was so lost. He began to dabble in one night stands, just to relieve the physical needs that he had and to get a little attention. He missed the physical contact, the closeness of being with someone, even though he had no emotional connection with the new someone. And to numb the pain, he began drinking, a little here, a little there. He didn’t think it would become a problem. He was just trying to keep afloat.
And a few weeks ago he sank even lower, when the Board addressed him about his ethics and spoke about ousting him from his own Foundation, although they gave him a probationary period of six months. Desperate to keep his position, he had tried to call Lucinda, but she was off with John somewhere and was incommunicado. Luke took this as a sign that he really needed to own what he’d done and not ask her to bail him out.
But then he was blindsided. He’d been sitting at work one afternoon a little over a week ago when his mother, Lily, suddenly appeared in his office. She looked pale and her eyes were red. Luke smiled and stood up to greet her, but he was concerned by how she looked. All she could blurt out was, “You better sit down.” She started sobbing and Luke somehow got the story out of her that there had been an accident and Faith and the baby she was carrying had died instantly in the crash. Luke went numb. They’d had so many problems with Faith over the years, and she had finally gotten back on the right track and seemed to have straightened out her life. Once she learned she was pregnant, she had become serious and decided she was going to clean up her act. And she had. And now her life and her unborn baby had been snuffed out when her car had gone over a patch of black ice and it spun into a tree. It was all senseless. There was no one to blame. And the big black void in Luke’s heart grew exponentially larger. The whole family was heartbroken, and the pain of losing Faith had only added on to what Luke was already struggling with. The weight of it made his life unbearable.
Luke woke up and remembered again where he was. He could tell it was daylight, because rays of sunshine were peeking around the heavy drapes. He reached with his fingers to softly touch Reid. He was so happy to have him near, and he wanted to just touch him because it had been so long.
Although he tried to be careful, that slight touch awoke Reid. He rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back on. “Morning,” said Luke.
“Humph.”
“You never were good in the morning.” Reid looked at him. Luke smiled and tilted his head. “Those glasses look good on you.”
Reid huffed and took them off to rub his eyes again. Luke swore he saw some sparks coming off Reid just like in the old days, even if Luke was so lamely flirting with him.
“Does that line work on anyone?”
That made Luke chuckle and he tried to sit up, although the room swayed a little bit.
“Careful.” warned Reid. “Here, drink some ice water.” Luke took a slug and it stayed down. “Have some more.”
Luke drank more and laid back down for a while. They stayed in companionable silence for quite a long time, until Reid finally said, “Do you think you can try again?”
Luke slid up to a sitting position and nodded his head. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and took his time to get up to a standing position. Reid watched him and then handed him his shirt and other clothes. Luke sat back down to get dressed.
Luke was able to walk and Reid held his arm as they walked out of the room and down the stairs. Luke got into Reid’s car and simply looked at him when he got in on his side. “What do we do now?” Luke asked.
Reid replied, “First, we get you home.”
“No, I don’t mean that.”
Reid looked straight ahead and his voice cracked as he said, “What do you mean?”
Luke leaned his cheek against the backrest as he turned to face Reid. “I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. But first, I want to thank you for coming last night.”
Reid turned his head and looked at him.
Luke bravely went on, “I was really at the bottom of a black hole.”
“I know,” Reid said softly.
Luke continued, “And I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t come.” He stopped and sighed.
Reid reached over and stroked Luke’s cheek with his index finger. “You’re ok now. But you need some help. Will you accept it?”
Luke sighed and turned to look out the windshield. He knew what Reid was talking about. He wasn’t sure he was ready for therapy or rehab or whatever, but he knew he had a problem. He knew he needed to work on it, but he really didn’t think he could deal with it right now.
He was just getting ready to say that to Reid, when he turned his head and looked in Reid’s eyes. He saw the love mixed in with pain and fear as Reid was holding his breath, waiting for Luke’s answer, and Luke began to tear up. He thought that he had lost all rights to Reid’s love, yet he felt happy and relieved to see that Reid still cared very much. Hope flickered in his heart; he never thought he would feel that again. A tear slid down Luke’s cheek and Reid used his thumb to wipe it away. He put his palm on Luke’s cheek.
Reid said, “I can be here for you, if you need that.” He paused and said,” I’ll always be here for you, Luke.”
Luke’s heart stopped, because he now realized just how deeply he had hurt this wonderful man and here he was, not asking a thing from Luke, but with love in his eyes he was trying to help and support him. Luke realized that he still had a chance with Reid, but his gut told him he really needed to fix himself before he even contemplated anything more.
Luke felt his body relax at the relief of Reid touching him so tenderly. He started to open his mouth, but the tears were pouring out of his eyes and he began to sob. “Yes. Yes, I’ll do it.” He finally saw the light blazing into the abyss where he’d lain for so long. He turned his head to kiss Reid’s hand and managed to sob out, “Thank you.”
Reid leaned over and gathered Luke in his arms and held him close, while stroking his cheek and hair. When Luke quieted down, Reid kissed Luke’s forehead and said, “Shall we get going then?” Luke nodded and leaned back in his seat. Reid started the car, and they headed back to Oakdale.