Living as Lenore: Chapter 13 "Into the Abyss"
Title: Living as Lenore
Author: Luna (aka Luna_del_Cielo on lj)
Fandom: Supernatural/Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cast of Characters: Tara/Lenore McLeod, Fergus McLeod/Crowley, Loki/Gabriel, Anya, Castiel, Kali, Eli, Dean, Sam, Scoobies
Rating: T
Summary: Willow tried to bring Tara back…and she did. Unfortunately, she was brought back to life in 1672. Now 'Lenore' has to deal with witches, demons, pagan gods, and even angels, as she struggles to find the red-haired woman she sees in her dreams.
Pairings: Multiple pairings that will include the characters: Anya, Gabriel, Kali, Tara/Lenore, Willow - at least.
Spoilers: BTVS S6E19 ‘Seeing Red’, SPN S2E3 ‘Bloodlust’. Spoilers for Crowley's past in S6 “Weekend at Bobby’s” and allusions to Loki's past in S5 ‘Changing Channels’
Warnings: Character death, Femslash (nothing explicit)
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If I did then fewer people would have died in each of those shows :)
Read specific chapters here: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12
Or all of the entire story here: Living as Lenore
Read More...
Chapter 13: Into the Abyss
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Reine, Norway
May 7, 1714
In the corner of her eyes she saw Loki glance at her in surprise but Lenore’s true focus was the being in front of her. The being whose aura was blacker than the darkest night, but it is not one of malevolence but simply one of existence, saying to her that Kali is beyond the reach of normal comprehension.
Kali gave her a gentle smile and Lenore felt her heart lighten as if the goddess’ smile granted feathers to her sorrow-stricken soul. “Lenore.”
Her voice was husky and low and sent all sorts of shivers below. A spark flares within the core of Lenore’s being and an ache spreads through her body.
“Uh, since when did you two know each other?” Loki asks with interest as his amber eyes dart almost nervously between the two women.
Lenore doesn’t answer him because she simply doesn’t know but Kali speaks and for that she is grateful.
“When Lenore was in the process of her transformation into a vampire she meditated on my mantra.” Her right brow rose slightly in - what? Surprise? Amusement? - “I do not often receive glory from Westerners.”
Recognition sparked suddenly:
Om Krīm Kālyai namaḥ ,
Om Kapālinaye Namah,
Om Hrim Shrim Krim Parameshvari Kalike Svaha
Lenore bowed her head humbly and suddenly she feels like Tara Maclay during her freshmen year of college all over again, tongue-tied over the exquisite red-haired woman who had attended the Campus Wiccans group. “M-my mother had a book of the goddesses w-when I was young, Goddess. The chapter on your being always fascinated me and I memorized the mantra. When I was trapped by the Alpha it was the only mantra that came to mind when I needed to meditate in order to focus on something other than the Need.” Of course, that specific mother had been the great witch, Sarah Maclay.
Head still bowed, Lenore only saw Kali’s sandaled feet approach her slowly with provocative steps that both excited and scared her. Two smooth fingers are placed under her chin and gently lift her head up. Immediately Kali’s black eyes lock onto Lenore’s and it takes all of her focus to not fall into the abyss that existed beyond them.
“It was I that starved off your transportation, my child - no human has ever denied the transformation that long without indulgence or death finally taking them. I heard your thoughts past the Maya and in that moment of your immersion into the mantra I claimed you.” Kali sighed heavily and the smile slipped off her face. “Had the Alpha not arrived and cut off my carefully hidden ties to you, then perhaps you would have survived long enough to find a cure.”
“There’s a cure?” Lenore found herself asking even as her heart and head are wondering what it meant to be ‘claimed’ by a goddess.
Loki spoke up as he stepped closer to them. There was something about the way he spoke that made Lenore think that he wanted to remind the both of them that he was still here and that he shouldn’t be forgotten. “Yes, there is a cure. It’s not easy, however. You have to use the blood of your Maker before you feed.”
“Oh.” Lenore felt her eyes stinging with tears at the realization that her life could have been different, that she could have had a chance - even as she knew that stealing the Alpha’s blood would have been next to impossible.
A tapered, tanned finger gently wiped away her tears and Kali placed her tear-coated fingers into her mouth. While Lenore did not understand why the goddess would want to taste her tears, she also felt a part of her heat up at the erotic sight and suddenly she was wondering what it would be like to touch Kali…
Dark eyes caught hers and Lenore caught a twinkle in them, like a distant star far into the blackness of outer space. “Loki, I need to talk to your,” she frowned as she tries to think of the most appropriate word, “pet, for a moment. Alone.” The last word is stated in such a final way that Lenore doubted the Goddess of Eternal Energy was ever denied of her desires.
Loki frowned and Lenore found herself curious as to why he seemed so upset. “Kali, no. Go play your games somewhere else with someone else.”
She revolved towards him in a languid manner, like a tiger in the heat of the jungle acknowledging another predator that stumbled so foolishly into her hunting territory. “Loki,” she stated in a warning tone. “Please do not interfere. Besides, do you hear the girl denying my request herself?” she added coolly, casually.
The air suddenly felt suffocating as she could tell that the two pagans were testing each other with their powers. Loki gave Kali a pained look and then finally shrugged his shoulders. “Fine,” he stated without vehemence, as if he didn’t really give a damn one way or another. “I need to catch up on my tricks, anyways. Later.” Then he was gone; snapping himself out of the cave.
And leaving her alone with Kali.
Lenore swallowed heavily as Kali turned towards her. Her throat was dry and her palms were sweaty and Lenore didn’t know what to say or what to do or what Kali even wanted of her.
Kali took Lenore’s hand in hers and led the girl to the couch nearest the fireplace. She sat down and crossed her legs demurely and Lenore copied her behavior. “You probably wonder why after I’m here.”
She answered “Yes” but that is not her primary question, truthfully. The question foremost in Lenore’s mind is why does this goddess make her feel the way she does right at this moment?
The goddess’ fingers begin combing through Lenore’s long, dark hair and she lets out a shiver of delight as every nerve in her scalp tingles. “You were not ready for me in the beginning. You had to overcome your other battles first - Loki was best for you then.”
Lenore nodded. Yes, she could understand that. In the past eleven years Loki had helped her face who she truly was - a vampire - and helped her to control her urges and learn how to fight against attackers.
“But when you called out to me thirteen years ago, Lenore, I saw into you. I saw your soul living through two different lives and you intrigued me. Few have seen through the Maya, the grand illusion, yet you have.” Kali’s head cocked to the side and a slight smile came to her face. “You have the most haunting blue eyes, Lenore.”
“T-thank you,” she stuttered under the goddess’ stare.
There was silence for a moment as the two of them stared into each other’s eyes. Kali broke it when she asked, “What do you see when you look at me?”
Lenore wet her lips nervously, a bad habit of hers, and tried to find the right words. “Goddess, when I look into your eyes I see the abyss - that which is the beginning and the end, all wrapped into one.”
“Does it scare you?”
“Yes,” she answered truthfully. “But I also find it fascinating. I find you fascinating,” she corrected herself.
Kali allowed herself a small smile and Lenore gets the impression that the goddess didn’t smile often enough. Which was a shame because when she smiled it reminded Lenore of Willow. Their lips were not the same, no. But the feeling that Lenore got from witnessing it? The same.
“Come,” Kali said as she stood up and held out her hand. “I have something to show you.”
What could Lenore do but take it?
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Calcutta, India
May 8, 1714
Moments later they were standing on the banks of a river tinged green by algae and the humidity hit Lenore so suddenly that she gasped. The air was thick and the smell of spices hung heavy in the air like a perfume. Although it was early morning here, it was still quite hot. Lenore turned slowly to examine where they were and saw a small temple a hundred feet away off the foot of the river banks. Dozens of people wearing saris or tunics and loose-fitting pants were flocking around the temple and their intermingling chants rose into the air like a symphony of luscious sounds.
“What is this place?” Lenore whispered. For some reason it seemed inappropriate to speak loudly at this place of worship.
“Kavi Kankan Chandi - my temple.”
Lenore looked to the goddess in surprise but Kali only stared straight ahead at the burgeoning crowds. The expression on her face was one like a loving mother; serenity holding back a powerful sense of protectiveness.
Kali began walking forward and Lenore, with her hand still being held by the goddess, followed her. “I brought you here to show you something. These people,” her hand gracefully gestured towards them, “are not so dissimilar to you.”
Lenore frowned, not quite understanding. “Are they vampires as well?”
Her lips twitched into the remnants of a smile. “No. Is that how you identify yourself primarily, Lenore?”
“Well, yes,” she answered uneasily. “I am a vampire.”
She waited for Kali to say something but the goddess was silent.
“I mean, I am damned now, I suppose. I’ve become one of the things that I used to hunt. My bloodlust outweighs my common sense. Now, after a few years of practice, I can control it to an extent, but not enough that I’d trust myself around a human that matters.” Her children, for instance. “Others must die in order for me to live,” she added sadly.
“All who live must die,” Kali commented matter-of-factly.
Lenore looked at the goddess in surprise at her callous response. “That doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to kill them!” Her voice was hushed because a part of her feared this being but her outrage led her to respond this way regardless.
Kali glanced at her out of the corner of her eye and Lenore got the impression that she was amused. “What is the purpose of life?”
Lenore frowned. On one hand she didn’t understand Kali’s comments and she was getting frustrated. On the other hand she knew that there had to be something more to what the wise goddess was saying but Lenore just couldn’t comprehend her greater meaning.
“The purpose is…to help others. To live a good life,” she answered at last.
Kali stopped at the outskirts of the crowd and turned to Lenore. “Souls enter a cyclical pattern of life and death, but it is what they do in-between the two that matter most and will shape their next life.”
She ran Kali’s words through her head as she sought to understand. “So…if I am cursed in this life than I must have done something wrong as Tara in my past life. Why else would I be forced to suffer this way?”
Sighing, Kali cradled Lenore’s cheek. “All souls are caught within the never-ending cycle. The sun will always rise and set just as the moon will do the same. But what came first: the sun or the moon?”
“I-I don’t know,” Lenore mumbled as a feeling of vulnerability passed through her as Kali’s eyes watched her intently.
A soft smile graced her face. “You do, but that knowledge is not yet needed.” She brushed lips as soft as a rose over Lenore’s lips, and the vampire shuddered in response. Lenore’s heart leapt in her chest and for the first time in this lifespan her knees weakened from a simple kiss.
“Come. I want you to meditate at my temple.”
Lenore’s eyes widened in alarm. “No!” Kali arched a brow. “I just mean…” Lenore bit her lip and lowered her voice. “I can smell them. I don’t want to, er, eat any of your followers.”
“Focus on my mantra and you will not.” Kali gestured for her to join the huddling masses but Lenore hesitated. Finally after a long moment Lenore let out a deep breath, began internally chanting, and joined the crowd.
‘Om Krīm Kālyai namaḥ ,
Om Kapālinaye Namah,
Om Hrim Shrim Krim Parameshvari Kalike Svaha’
The smell was overwhelming. Succulent and sweet, their blood mixed into the heavy, humid air and Lenore felt as if she were swimming through blood. The tips of her fangs jutted out, but Lenore contained them.
‘Om Krīm Kālyai namaḥ ,
Om Kapālinaye Namah,
Om Hrim Shrim Krim Parameshvari Kalike Svaha’
She could do this. Kali believed in her. And call her crazy, but the fact that Kali believed in her meant a lot. The memories of being trapped in the Alpha’s prison assailed her for a moment as she thought about the first time that Kali brought her peace. When Lenore had begun meditating to drown out the bloodlust she had involuntarily picked Kali’s mantra - it had just come to her. During those meditations she had been able to starve off the bloodlust but Lenore never realized that divine intervention had been the cause.
It was making her question everything now. Did anything in her life happen by chance?
Lenore knelt at the altar for a long time and meditated. Her head cleared of all thought and she simply was. Her existence became a blinking star in the solar system, surrounded by the billions of souls that existed on this plane. Souls that lived, souls that died, and souls stuck somewhere in-between.
The image came suddenly, breaking her peaceful meditation without warning.
Her brother’s soul screaming in agony strapped on a rack in the depths of hell. Fergus twisted as a silver dagger began peeling off his flesh in long strips by a spirit that was blacker than the darkest night.
Lenore woke with tears on her cheek. It was dark out and all the other worshipers were gone.
“You saw past the Maya, past this world,” Kali commented softly as she knelt and softly brushed the fallen tears off her cheeks. “What did you witness?”
“My brother, in hell.” Lenore squeezed her eyes tightly. “I knew he was going there but I never understood what that really meant for him. So often preachers speak of fire and brimstone but I don’t think I ever really understood the meaning of hell.”
Kali held her close against her soft breasts and Lenore clung to the goddess with all of her strength. “Can I save him?” she finally asked.
Kali’s hand ran through Lenore’s locks and her voice was soft. “You carry with you the ability to save all you love, Lenore. It just may not be in the way you imagine.”
“How can I save Fergus?” she asked as she pulled back. Although as soon as she pulled back she was already missing the feel of the goddess against her.
“A sister’s love is enough.”
Angry, Lenore stood up. “But what does that mean? You give me riddles but what I need are answers! Fergus is my brother and I’ve already failed him once - I won’t again.”
Kali’s eyes flickered in surprise. “I’ve angered you.”
Lenore was silent, her stony façade answer enough.
Kali sighed. “I am death and destruction but therein lies my grace. I cannot brush aside the Maya so easily, even for a supernatural creature.” Her own face froze for a moment before anger flashed across her features. “Even I can be tricked by the Maya.”
But then her expression became serene and she stepped closer to Lenore. Her beauty was intoxicating, but it was more than just her appearance that appealed to Lenore. It was her essence, her aura. Kali was a black hole drawing her in slowly a shining star alone in the universe, and no matter how much Lenore could try, she would never be able to pull away.
More so, she didn’t want to.
“Your soul calls to me, be it named Lenore McLeod or Tara Maclay. There is a likeness to you that I find in myself and…I am find it most compelling.” The right hand of the goddess slowly laid a trail down Lenore’s arm and the vampire shivered.
Kali’s head cocked to the side and spoke in a throaty voice that heated the spark that flared when she had first seen the goddess. “May I have you?”
Lenore licked her lips in surprise as she discerned the meaning of those words, and then her heart flared with warmth at the sudden feeling of what it was like for a partner to ask and not to take. She blinked back the unexpected tears and nodded as she tentatively cupped the goddess’ cheek with her own hand.
“Yes.”
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Reine, Norway
May 9, 1714
Lenore was in a deep slumber when Kali teleported them home. She was slightly roused from sleep when Kali set her in her bed but her senses alerted when loud voices made it past her fog of sleep.
Feeling quite content, Lenore stretch out on her bed like a cat; perhaps feeling the most relaxed than she had felt in her entire life. But she could hear Kali and Loki arguing so she stilled her heartbeat so the pagan gods would still think she was slumbering, and then listened carefully.
“You had no right Kali, no right!”
A spiteful laugh. “No one gives us the right, Loki. We take it.”
“No. I’ve been taking care of Lenore for too long to let your presence disrupt her recovery.”
“I am not disrupting her, I am aiding her.”
“That’s my job!”
A pause; Lenore heard soft footsteps and then a low voice. “And just why is it your job, Trickster? She called out to me long ago; she is mine.”
“Oh really? Then where were you all these years? Why come now?” he snarled.
“Oh, you know how easily I lose track of time, Loki,” she sighed in a burdened voice.
“I think there’s a different reason for your sudden appearance, Kali,” he hissed.
Following an extended moment of silence Kali spoke in an amused tone. “I never would have figured you for the type.”
“What type?” he asked cautiously.
A snort of laughter. “The jealous type. It doesn’t suit you, Loki.”
“I-I’m not jealous!” he sputtered defensively.
Oh God. Lenore realized now just who Kali was to Loki…this was the goddess that he was in love with. What had she done?
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
“I doubt it.”
“Think what you will,” Kali stated lightly, and Lenore could hear the smile in her voice. “Regardless, Lenore told me last night that she wants to learn from me.”
“What?” Loki asked in a stricken voice.
“Loki, come now. Did you really expect her to stay in this cave of yours forever? The girl has a purpose in this world. I will help her find it.”
Loki’s voice was softer now, hurt. “But…she’s happy here. And her purpose, it’ll only end in destruction.”
The memory of Tara’s tarot card reading flashed through her mind’s-eye - The Tower, herald of chaos and destruction. Fright gripped her tightly as she wondered what Loki meant…and if he knew something then why didn’t he tell her?
“Therefore it is more appropriate that she learn with me.” A mocking laugh. “Don’t worry, Loki. I’ll take good care of her.”
The ground shook; an earthquake. Lenore leaped out of bed and ran into the den to see the two pagan gods staring at each other, one with a look of amusement and the other a look of hatred. Loki’s fists were curled and his body tense while Kali casually stood, uncaring about his display of power.
“What’s going on here?” Lenore tentatively asked as she looked from one god to the next.
Loki strode to her quickly, angrily. His power pulsed in the air, thick like a constricting snake, and Lenore became worried.
“So one night with Kali and now you want to leave? Is my home not good enough for you?” he asked with cold eyes that cut into her very soul.
“No, no. It’s not like that Loki,” she tried to assure him. “I just, well, Kali said she could teach me how to find my path and I just want to learn from her. That doesn’t mean I want to leave you!”
“You can’t live here if you’re with her,” he angrily spat out, and Lenore felt like she had been slapped.
“Loki, I’m sorry,” she said in a tightly controlled voice, lest she start crying from the look in her friend’s eyes. “I didn’t realize that Kali was your lover, the goddess you were talking about. I didn’t mean to hurt you - I would never hurt you.”
Hardened amber eyes ruthlessly assessed her. “Well, you did.” His lips curled into a mocking lopsided smile. “But that’s my fate in life, isn’t it? To get betrayed by those I love,” he said as he glared at Kali.
She merely rose her eyebrows in defense.
Lenore drew close to Loki and grabbed his hand impulsively. She could feel her friend drawing away from her and in the pit of her stomach she was afraid. The thought of losing Loki, especially over such a petty thing, scared her more than she could have ever imagined.
“Loki, please,” she pleaded. “You’re my best friend. Please forgive me.”
His eyes softened as pain washed over them and he shook his head sadly as he pulled back. “You even smell like her,” he muttered painfully as he yanked his hand away from hers.
“Kali, you win. Take her,” Loki stated forlornly with one last look in Lenore’s direction. Then he snapped his fingers and Lenore was flung into Kali’s arms and both of them were expelled from Loki’s homes.
She swore that she could hear the wolves howling mournfully as they departed into the abyss.
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A/N
Review please :D
References:
*Maya: in the simplest of terms, means ‘illusion’ - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_(Hinduism)
*I always give credit where credit is due - Christopher Pike’s ‘The Last Vampire’ (re-released under the name ‘Thirst’) book series has greatly influenced how I see Hinduism and my affinity for it. I read the first book in the 4th grade (yeah, I know I was way ahead of my reading level at that age) and thus its shaped my perspective of Kali, Krishna, Radha, etc.
*Kali’s Temple: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalighat_Kali_Temple
*“No one gives us the right, Loki. We take it.”…and “I never would have figured you for the type.” - semi-quote from Lucifer to Baldur in ‘Hammer of the Gods’, S5 of SPN.