Comments | lulu_42: Asphyxiation

lulu_42

Asphyxiation

Dec 31, 2009 18:13

It's a post for the KakaSaku LJ New Years Challege. I wasn't planning on doing it, but I was under the influence of cold medicine. That's probably why I came up with something that wasn't a comedy piece. 'Tis Drama!

Weird.

Title: Asphyxiation
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,570
Summary: War is kinder to some than others.

( Clickity Click! )

fanfic, one-shot, kakasaku

Comments 26

denilmo January 1 2010, 16:49:00 UTC

Lu: That was so cute. I really enjoyed reading it, everyone before has pretty much commented on the things I liked as well. But I also liked the "Happy Friday" ending, I can't explain why but, to me it was just great.

eldrfire January 1 2010, 17:51:56 UTC

Woo hoo, this was great! I loved Kakashi in it. :)

The only problem was that your verb tenses were all over the place. Other than that, I loved it! Great description, and I liked the dialogue at the end! Ha ha ha, it was great!

lulu_42 January 1 2010, 23:00:47 UTC

Oh god the word tenses! D8 I was hoping no one would notice it.

It's my biggest writing flaw, so I need to work on that already. I wrote the first draft in two sections on paper and typed it up yesterday. I didn't realize the second half was in present tense until I was about to post it. I was going around trying to fix everything and became very confused and couldn't think anymore.

zelha January 1 2010, 20:02:13 UTC

Oh Lu, you pulled quite an awesome and gritty piece! (I do want you to share that cough medicine, you. :P) I loved it! :D

lulu_42 January 1 2010, 23:03:42 UTC

Why thank you Zel! ;D

I'm going to find that cough syrup and make an icon of it so I can share. :D

Oh Wow... caitiy January 2 2010, 04:49:22 UTC

Gritty is a great word to describe this one. You did a fantastic job creating a mood for extended front-line warfare - it sounded horrible! You did a great job contrasting Kakashi and Sakura and their reactions to extended hardship and stress. I also like that the kiss was awkward and not some magical thing - fits in with the setting. Over all very well done!

Re: Oh Wow... lulu_42 January 3 2010, 22:36:20 UTC

Thank you! *hugs*

I've never done gritty before, but that was what the cough syrup demanded. :p

a_lifestyle January 3 2010, 04:32:28 UTC

“It’s the New Year. I thought that it would be clever and kind of sexy or something.”

*snort*
Good lord, this was fantastic. The tone was so sarcastic and dark but somehow very leisurely throughout, and whether it was the effects of cold medicine or not, I adored it.

lulu_42 January 3 2010, 22:54:30 UTC

Wow thank you! :D

I wasn't sure if I liked the entry when I posted it, I felt a bit lame that no one died or anything and I was aiming for dark.