Comments | lule_bell: Ficathon Rough Draft

lule_bell

Ficathon Rough Draft

Aug 17, 2010 08:44

I'm writing this Fringe fanfic for the op_ficathon and if you have some time, I'd like an opinion of it. Anything from grammar to plot points is most appreciated. It's due at the end of August and is currently unfinished ( Read more... )

character: astrid farnsworth, character: walter bishop, fringe fanfiction, character: peter bishop, fandom: fringe, character: olivia dunham

Comments 10

This one's strictly grammar linguology August 17 2010, 00:39:33 UTC

The harder she bangs, the harder they laugh - they’re reasons stem from sheer mockery. Eventually she figures it out, they’re game, motives and payoffs. Unfortunately, it takes more energy than it does to engage them. They sap her energy no matter what she does.

"They're" should be "their" here.

Today, or maybe tonight, the visitor at the people zoo is rather persistent, banging against the window so hard, her teeth rattle. This time, though, only one voice is screaming her name, a thousand decibels piercing her eardrums.

Funny, a familiar yet distant voice reminded her. That window only carries sound one way, I thought.

The voice screamed for her again, to look up! Olivia! Look at me!

Somewhat jarring tense switch here.

She clung to it, desperate and needy and refused to let it go.

I'd put a comma between "needy" and "and".

I guess I was never either.

Switch the "was" and "never".

Her smile faded but there was no other expression or reaction.I'd end the sentence at "expression", since "reaction" is a more open word - I'd ( ... )

Re: This one's strictly grammar lule_bell August 17 2010, 00:47:14 UTC

Thank you love! ♥

GRAMMAR/CANON NAZI endalaust August 17 2010, 02:38:24 UTC

+"galavanting off to Olivia’s bathroom much to eagerly for Peter’s liking."
should be:
"galavanting off to Olivia's bathroom much too eagerly for Peter's liking."

+Peter's eyes are green and Olivia's are hazel. (episode 1.02)

+"Night after night she called out to him and every morning, he was convinced he was loosing his mind."
should be
"Night after night she called out to him and every morning, he was convinced he was losing his mind."

+" couldn’t save her but I couldn’t loose you over her death"
should be:
"couldn't save her but I couldn't lose you over her death."

+"there is a chance that we would loose her"
should be:
"there is a chance that we would lose her"

+also:
YOUR WALTER IS BEST WALTER. Srsly? How did you get him so canon?!

Re: GRAMMAR/CANON NAZI lule_bell August 17 2010, 02:55:31 UTC

Oh I did not know that about the eyes! Thanks for the catch. ;D

LoL... I thought I was overdoing Walter a tad - but apparently he's just right.

THANKS BB!!!! ♥

Re: GRAMMAR/CANON NAZI endalaust August 17 2010, 02:56:23 UTC

No, Walter is spot on. *thumbs up*

Re: GRAMMAR/CANON NAZI lule_bell August 17 2010, 03:00:02 UTC

*twirls you*

xD

ny2ca August 18 2010, 06:58:46 UTC

You totally made me want to cry!

Oh god.

Ur an amazing writter.

lule_bell August 18 2010, 07:04:17 UTC

Awe bb, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

It's unfinished, I'm currently writing as I type this, so there is more to come in the next few weeks.

♥ you.

piratesmiley August 18 2010, 11:52:13 UTC

WOW. This is a seriously fascinating story. I'm jealous of how much you've written. I've only got about 1100 words ( ... )

lule_bell August 18 2010, 12:13:01 UTC

Thanks so much for giving it the read. I appreciate your comments and a second pair of eyes.

It is far-fetched; i suck at case files and all science things. This is as close to it as I get. ;)

I had considered Walter's reaction as being rather put-off myself, so I'm glad that you brought that up. I think I'm going to have to add something for him... Thanks for bringing it up.

Not judgmental at all, constructive criticism is win. :)