I haven't posted in a while... (tw: talk about depression, I guess)

[lucia_tanaka]

I guess I should

Comments

[sunflower1343]

Since you're not able to get therapy and meds, you might want to try some self-help books. My husband has been battling severe depression and suicidal thoughts for the past few years, and there are some practical books that have helped him. I'll see if I can send you ecopies when I get home (I have to de-drm) them. The important thing to realize is that depression erodes paths into your brain so that it gets easier and easier to let your thoughts spiral down them, so you have to actively work to break those patterns of thoughts and behavior, and to realize that the picture you think you're seeing likely is not accurate.

Can you read epub format books, or is another format like HTML or PDF better?

[sunflower1343]

I uploaded two books my husband has found really helpful (epub and PDF formats), and one CD of meditations using mindfulness that both he and I have found very helpful for depression and panic/anxiety. The meditations work best if you practice them daily, because the purpose is to get you focused on the here and now, and how you're responding to things around you so that if you start to head into depression you realize it and have time to do something about it. The books talk about what it is that you do to stop those downward spirals. There are some decent workbooks that help with some of this, but those aren't in eformat

[lucia_tanaka]

I'll try anything at this point. But oddly enough, it's your mediafire folder that I don't have access to. 8)

[sunflower1343]

Sorry, I gave you the wrong link. Try this:

http://www.mediafire.com/?ie9vg7f3ihu5kee

[azuritebright]

Oh, man that's a lot to deal with. I, too, am dealing with depression, and it really is a spiral downward unless you cut what's going on at the root. Even then, it's a daily battle. The emotions you have to deal with just plain old SUCK, and there are the bad days, and then the just really bad days. My family doesn't understand either, and so I've just stopped trying to explain; in our culture, there's no such thing as depression. What I am doing though, is going to a counselor/therapist who charges based on income--and as a student, I have no income, so I basically pay nothing to $1-2. I'm also trying to surround myself with new people who can understand me. Is there any place like that in FL

[sunflower1343]

This sounds like you're already doing what my husband is doing. You should be proud of yourself for getting so far. But if you want a couple of the books he's using, I put a link above. I wish you the best.

[lucia_tanaka]

Today was one of the really bad days for me. I've even enlisted a friend to call me every day to make sure I'm okay. It was bad....

I don't know, re: Florida resources. I don't know where anything is. It's very frustrating. I really hate being here, but. /sigh

I need to sleep earlier. That's definitely part of the problem for me. I just have a lot of problems sleeping like this, as I get worried about not waking up again (I'm dealing with a deep, terrifying fear of death/non-existence right now).

Thank you for the advice. I'm going to at least try to integrate some of it into what I do.

Suggestions

[b0b3rt]

I sympathize, Florida sucks.

If you can't afford to medicate, read some philosophy. I recommend something practical, which means LessWrong (lesswrong.com). It helped me put my existential crises in perspective.

[rheasilvia]

I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. The commenters above have much more helpful things to say than I, but I still wanted to say that I will be thinking of you, and that you're not alone. It will get better, even if it may seem hard to believe sometimes.

[bittercld]

Ugh, I dealt with anxiety while at school that seemed oh so manageable during the day but right around that magical hour of 2AM, I suddenly felt just horrible dread.

I was fortunate enough that I could wake my mom up at that ungodly hour and she'd help calm me down.

I can only think that it might be helpful to try to find someone willing to talk to you that's maybe in a different timezone so it's not such a hard hour to find anyone up? I wouldn't be surprised if there were online groups specifically geared towards that.

I don't know much about depression, but I've heard that for a lot of people, it's very cyclical. It'll just come and go throughout their lives and often they won't even realize that they were so low and feeling really depressed until they come out of it enough to recognize what was going on with them. This point obviously is really hard for you and seems so hopeless on the inside of it, but you'll pull through it.

Sorry this isn't more helpful :( Good luck.

[aurania20]

I'm just some random person who reads your fic and the best thing I know to say (as a person who exists with depression) is that it won't be forever. It won't. I know it doesn't feel like it. But I'm telling you the truth. Every day isn't like this and every night isn't either. I realize I don't know you but this is what I tell myself and what I want everyone to tell me when things get bad (and please feel entirely free to ignore this entire comment). Also I recommend showing your writing to your betas. Even if you are entirely certain it is pure shit. Sorry if this is more of a dragging down than a hand up. I wish you luck.