Farscape Fic: Time to Let Go (PG) (S/Z)
Here is my second fic for SC 26: Absent Friends. I hope you find it meaningful. As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated. It not only helps me grow as an author, but also keeps me motivated to write. At some point I may find a way to write ones for TJohn, Jool and D'Argo.
lizamanynames I hope that you see this an approve of it. :D I only wish I could have written something happier.
Time to Let Go
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The Choice
A/N: While on Valldon, Stark heard Zhaan calling out to him. What did she have to say to him that was so important?
***************
Time. What is time? There are so many answers to that question, but there is one certainty: it always marches forward.
Stark knew a great deal of time had passed, but he could not say how much. When he was in this state, his awareness of time’s passage was difficult to measure, but he knew that he would have no chance of finding Zhaan if he had stayed in his physical form. He could only find her in his energy state.
Valldon was a strange world, occupying a strange area of space. In passing he had heard references to it, but even he had not taken those rumors seriously. That was until Aeryn had drawn them there. Once on the planet’s surface, he recognized the planet for what it was, that those half-whispered rumors had been the truth. Valldon was a conduit to what lay beyond, a place to contact the dead for those with sufficient skills.
The entire time they had been on the planet, Zhaan’s voice had grown louder, more insistent, calling to him. This was what he had been waiting for, to see his beloved again. But while his corporeal self had heard her voice, his incorporeal self could not locate her. He was lost in the murmuring cacophony of thousands of other voices, but search as he might, he could not find hers. Her singular voice would not reveal itself to him. He had called to her, but again had received no response. But he would not give up. He had come too care, given up too much. She had wanted him to do this or else she would not have called to him.
“Zhaan, my beloved, where are you? You called to me and I have come!” he cried desperately to the voices. He was not sure how many times he had done this having long since lost track. He was becoming frantic the longer he went without hearing her voice - it had been so strong when he had decided to forgo his physical form.
“Stark, my love!” called a voice in the distance.
Even though he was without his body, it felt as though a lump was forming in his throat. It was her - he had finally found her. Shifting his focus to that direction, he concentrated on her voice. “Zhaan!”
From the nothingness, her blue form emerged, once again whole and healed as he remembered her. “You have come.” She smiled sweetly at him.
“I had to you. You called me. And I knew there had to be more, that you could not be gone.” He found that once again he had a form and he reached out for her.
She placed her hand gently on his cheek. “But I am gone, my love. My spirit is strong, and when I felt you on Valldon and could feel the grief within you, I had to speak with you.”
“But you are here, with me.” He clung to her desperately. Now that he had found her, he resolved never to let her go again. He should have insisted that they leave Moya, that they take passage on another ship to find a planet for her. He should have rallied the others to tear Crichton from his wormhole quest. He should have done anything other than watch her decline day after day.
She smiled sadly at him. “Only for a short time. My spirit cannot last forever.” And as though sensing his thoughts, she added, “It is not your fault. You did not know how dire circumstances were. I chose not to tell you, not to worry you.”
“But why, why hide from me?” He gently stroked her cheek as he had done so many times before.
“It is the way of a Pa’u not to put yourself first. The wormhole might have been John’s way home. I could not deny him that.”
“Even at the risk of your life?” He knew she was selfless, but this was something more than a desire she had given up, she had given up everything.
“Yes, my darling. He is young, with his whole life to live. I have experienced so many things, done so much. I know that I could have done more with my life, but I did not want to deny him his.”
Stark tried hard to accept what she was saying, but it was hard for him. She had brought him back to sanity for the first time in cycles - she was his center. “Then why bring me here if we cannot be together?” he snapped. The idea of losing her again after he had just found her was almost too much for him to bear.
“You must live your life for the living. What you gave me… it was a wonderful gift. In all my long cycles never has anyone loved me unconditionally. I cannot thank you enough for that. But you must go on for the others. They need you.”
“But you were my center; without you, life is empty,” he protested desperately, reaching out and touching her shoulder. She had to be real; he could feel her. There had to be more to the reason she had contacted him than this.
“And you were mine. Draw strength from my memory. In that way I will always be a part of you.” She placed her hand over his heart. “We shared so much, became one with each other. I am inside you always.”
Grasping her hand with both of his, he pressed it against his chest, not wanting her to ever let go. “I don’t know if it’s enough. I can stay here, with you. We can be together always.”
Sadness filled her eyes. “I cannot stay here forever. I can feel my time growing short. Even a Tenth Level Pa’u cannot exist in this state for long. Death came and it was my choice. I lived a long and rich life. Yours is still at the beginning. Do not throw away what you might have. I have not seen the future, but I do know that the universe needs you. You do have a purpose in life. You have now seen me and can say your goodbyes, something we did not have before.” She gently pulled her hand from his and cupped his cheeks in his hands and pulled him close for a kiss.
When she broke the kiss, she said, “I am at peace and ask that you find the same. When the time is right, I will be there for you, waiting in a better place, but only when the time is right. Live your life and be a guide for others. You are needed there.”
He could feel her slipping away and he desperately tried to hold onto her, will her to stay, but nothing was working. She was slipping through his fingers as he lost her all over again. He reached out for her as she faded back into the nothingness from which she had appeared.
“I will always love you, Stark,” her voice echoed in his mind.
He collapsed to his knees and fell to his side, the grief nearly unbearable. She was truly gone. He had found only her spirit on Valldon - not her as he had hoped. A part of him wanted to die, wanted to be with her, but he knew that was not the way. She had reminded him of that. Even though he did not want to mourn her loss, he did. Tears streamed from his eye and his body convulsed as he cried as he had never cried before. Her soul had been the hardest goodbye he had experienced as a Bannik.
Time. More time passed. How long Stark did not know. He only knew that when he became aware of time, his body had returned. He was lying on a filthy pile of rags in a dark alley. He could feel his inner power returning, and he knew he would have to find a way to mask himself again.
As he shifted on the rags, he knocked something aside and it rattled on the stones of the alley. Curiosity getting the better of him, he fumbled for it, wondering what it was. His hands finally found it - a twin of the mask he had left on Talyn. Looking up to the heavens, he said, “Thank you, my love.” He didn’t know how, but Zhaan had somehow been responsible.
Now that he had found her, heard what she had to say and said a proper goodbye, it was time for him to do as she had asked and live his life. And the first step for that was to get off this planet and to someplace less disturbed. Crichton and the others needed him.
Time. It would pass and soon enough he would be reunited with beloved Zhaan, never to be parted again.
lizamanynames I hope that you see this an approve of it. :D I only wish I could have written something happier.
Time to Let Go
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The Choice
A/N: While on Valldon, Stark heard Zhaan calling out to him. What did she have to say to him that was so important?
***************
Time. What is time? There are so many answers to that question, but there is one certainty: it always marches forward.
Stark knew a great deal of time had passed, but he could not say how much. When he was in this state, his awareness of time’s passage was difficult to measure, but he knew that he would have no chance of finding Zhaan if he had stayed in his physical form. He could only find her in his energy state.
Valldon was a strange world, occupying a strange area of space. In passing he had heard references to it, but even he had not taken those rumors seriously. That was until Aeryn had drawn them there. Once on the planet’s surface, he recognized the planet for what it was, that those half-whispered rumors had been the truth. Valldon was a conduit to what lay beyond, a place to contact the dead for those with sufficient skills.
The entire time they had been on the planet, Zhaan’s voice had grown louder, more insistent, calling to him. This was what he had been waiting for, to see his beloved again. But while his corporeal self had heard her voice, his incorporeal self could not locate her. He was lost in the murmuring cacophony of thousands of other voices, but search as he might, he could not find hers. Her singular voice would not reveal itself to him. He had called to her, but again had received no response. But he would not give up. He had come too care, given up too much. She had wanted him to do this or else she would not have called to him.
“Zhaan, my beloved, where are you? You called to me and I have come!” he cried desperately to the voices. He was not sure how many times he had done this having long since lost track. He was becoming frantic the longer he went without hearing her voice - it had been so strong when he had decided to forgo his physical form.
“Stark, my love!” called a voice in the distance.
Even though he was without his body, it felt as though a lump was forming in his throat. It was her - he had finally found her. Shifting his focus to that direction, he concentrated on her voice. “Zhaan!”
From the nothingness, her blue form emerged, once again whole and healed as he remembered her. “You have come.” She smiled sweetly at him.
“I had to you. You called me. And I knew there had to be more, that you could not be gone.” He found that once again he had a form and he reached out for her.
She placed her hand gently on his cheek. “But I am gone, my love. My spirit is strong, and when I felt you on Valldon and could feel the grief within you, I had to speak with you.”
“But you are here, with me.” He clung to her desperately. Now that he had found her, he resolved never to let her go again. He should have insisted that they leave Moya, that they take passage on another ship to find a planet for her. He should have rallied the others to tear Crichton from his wormhole quest. He should have done anything other than watch her decline day after day.
She smiled sadly at him. “Only for a short time. My spirit cannot last forever.” And as though sensing his thoughts, she added, “It is not your fault. You did not know how dire circumstances were. I chose not to tell you, not to worry you.”
“But why, why hide from me?” He gently stroked her cheek as he had done so many times before.
“It is the way of a Pa’u not to put yourself first. The wormhole might have been John’s way home. I could not deny him that.”
“Even at the risk of your life?” He knew she was selfless, but this was something more than a desire she had given up, she had given up everything.
“Yes, my darling. He is young, with his whole life to live. I have experienced so many things, done so much. I know that I could have done more with my life, but I did not want to deny him his.”
Stark tried hard to accept what she was saying, but it was hard for him. She had brought him back to sanity for the first time in cycles - she was his center. “Then why bring me here if we cannot be together?” he snapped. The idea of losing her again after he had just found her was almost too much for him to bear.
“You must live your life for the living. What you gave me… it was a wonderful gift. In all my long cycles never has anyone loved me unconditionally. I cannot thank you enough for that. But you must go on for the others. They need you.”
“But you were my center; without you, life is empty,” he protested desperately, reaching out and touching her shoulder. She had to be real; he could feel her. There had to be more to the reason she had contacted him than this.
“And you were mine. Draw strength from my memory. In that way I will always be a part of you.” She placed her hand over his heart. “We shared so much, became one with each other. I am inside you always.”
Grasping her hand with both of his, he pressed it against his chest, not wanting her to ever let go. “I don’t know if it’s enough. I can stay here, with you. We can be together always.”
Sadness filled her eyes. “I cannot stay here forever. I can feel my time growing short. Even a Tenth Level Pa’u cannot exist in this state for long. Death came and it was my choice. I lived a long and rich life. Yours is still at the beginning. Do not throw away what you might have. I have not seen the future, but I do know that the universe needs you. You do have a purpose in life. You have now seen me and can say your goodbyes, something we did not have before.” She gently pulled her hand from his and cupped his cheeks in his hands and pulled him close for a kiss.
When she broke the kiss, she said, “I am at peace and ask that you find the same. When the time is right, I will be there for you, waiting in a better place, but only when the time is right. Live your life and be a guide for others. You are needed there.”
He could feel her slipping away and he desperately tried to hold onto her, will her to stay, but nothing was working. She was slipping through his fingers as he lost her all over again. He reached out for her as she faded back into the nothingness from which she had appeared.
“I will always love you, Stark,” her voice echoed in his mind.
He collapsed to his knees and fell to his side, the grief nearly unbearable. She was truly gone. He had found only her spirit on Valldon - not her as he had hoped. A part of him wanted to die, wanted to be with her, but he knew that was not the way. She had reminded him of that. Even though he did not want to mourn her loss, he did. Tears streamed from his eye and his body convulsed as he cried as he had never cried before. Her soul had been the hardest goodbye he had experienced as a Bannik.
Time. More time passed. How long Stark did not know. He only knew that when he became aware of time, his body had returned. He was lying on a filthy pile of rags in a dark alley. He could feel his inner power returning, and he knew he would have to find a way to mask himself again.
As he shifted on the rags, he knocked something aside and it rattled on the stones of the alley. Curiosity getting the better of him, he fumbled for it, wondering what it was. His hands finally found it - a twin of the mask he had left on Talyn. Looking up to the heavens, he said, “Thank you, my love.” He didn’t know how, but Zhaan had somehow been responsible.
Now that he had found her, heard what she had to say and said a proper goodbye, it was time for him to do as she had asked and live his life. And the first step for that was to get off this planet and to someplace less disturbed. Crichton and the others needed him.
Time. It would pass and soon enough he would be reunited with beloved Zhaan, never to be parted again.