On being an ugly woman

[lpsmith]

So, in this year's play at our church ('The Comic-Con Caper'), I'm playing Francis Reynolds, a single mother of five, who goes to this Comic Con every year dressed as Princess Leia. I've been dressing as and trying to act like a woman for several weeks of rehearsals now, and I've learned a lot! I now know how to take off a bra without taking off

Comments

[fuzzyfostermom]

Good man. I wish I had an answer for you, but it's one of those insidious culture worms that get stuck in us all - like believing somewhere out there is a knight on a white horse who's always going to say the right things and always care about your needs, which has ruined many a good dating relationship & marriage. I'm sure there are plenty that men get stuck with as well. I think knowing is half the battle, because it means you'll see yourself doing it & can correct yourself. But I don't know how to win the whole battle.

I have rejoiced for years in being strikingly ordinary-looking, but my mental image of myself is definitely slightly taller, much thinner, and has a smaller nose...

[lpsmith]

Yeah, it probably is one of those unending tasks, isn't it? Ah, well, if there's progress, that's good, and it's a worthy fight.

And I have to say that 'ordinary' is not an adjective I would have thought to use for you--extraordinary, perhaps!

[emshort]

Possibly you've already run into this, but: http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-something-that-every-woman-sadly-already-experienced-3

Beyond that -- yeah. This is something I live with anyway, but prepping for our wedding reception has brought home to me how much beauty is used as a shorthand for any other good quality in a woman, because of the media pressure to look a very specific way as a bride. Like being radiantly beautiful (ideally, slender, white and about 25 years old) is the same thing as being loved and deserving love; like the appearance of the bride is the signifier for the love and commitment in the relationship.

[lpsmith]

Yes! I did think of that exactly when I was processing this. And re-watching, it looks like he's saying things more closely to what I was saying that I even remembered. It's unfortunate, though, that I watched that and thought, "Yeah, that makes sense," but it took actually doing it myself for me to go, "OH! OK, *now* I get it." I wish that I knew how to convey it to people who haven't experienced it first-hand, like me-from-four-months-ago.

And yeah, I can totally see brides in particular being under a spotlight of 'you must be beautiful to be worthy'. Sara said when she was dress shopping, many stores didn't even have anything you could try on that wasn't a size 9 or 10. Those were the only floor models available. I mean... man.

[duchez]

> how much beauty is used as a shorthand for any other good quality in a woman

And there is only one set definition of beauty, and woe be unto you if you don't fit that definition, right? In my culture, it is skin color. In the States, I learned that the pretty girls all have blonde hair. And even as the actual standard changes as we proceed through life stages and geographies, there are still very strict parameters that define beauty. And if you don't meet it, then you fail at that life stage.

I am not sure how much of *being aware* of this changes the world for the better. I've worked at one of the places that is known for its aggressive promotion of the "radiantly beautiful bride," and it was practically all-female. We have internalized so much of the definitions that we are now pushing them on to each other.

[emshort]

Yeah. One of the things that was really striking to me when I lived in West Philly (a predominantly black neighborhood) was seeing all these beauty magazines at the supermarket and drug store about how to make yourself look as thin, pale-skinned, and straight-haired as possible. Which is so immeasurably messed up; but when I look at what the media is doing, I get where it comes from. I just wish that as a culture we could *stop* sending these horrific messages.