r o s e d u s t, chp 4
· c h a p t e r 4 ·
Key and Nicole had rarely fought as a couple, and usually they would reconcile quickly afterwards. It wasn’t because either of them was stubborn or hard-headed enough to not speak to the other due to a disagreement, but the two had always steered clear of getting into arguments over serious matters and would often just bicker over little things.
But the seriousness of this fight couldn’t be resolved that easily.
Key waited to see if Nicole would call him in the week after he walked out on her during their discussion about Hara. He waited for her, but her call never came. This wasn’t an issue to initiate a breakup between them, so Key wasn’t as worried as he was exhausted. He knew Nicole well, she was an emotional person and in times like these the best thing to do was give her time. No pursuing, no attempts to break the silence… just let the feelings simmer and cool down.
Key’s schedule, as well as the other Shinee members, was becoming more and more eventful as their company felt that the amount of months to drift by had been enough for the waters to calm and for Shinee to resurface into the industry. This was a positive thing since they were eager to escape the dorm and engage in some activities instead of being constantly reminded that they weren’t doing anything because of Minho’s death. They were still kept on the down low, with Jonghyun and Taemin cast together on Star King where they were allowed to fade in with the crowd rather than have attention focused on them, and Key was assigned to a regular spot on a radio show, which he was grateful for.
Without Nicole, without knowing what was going on with Kara aside from the reports by the media, which was only about their activities still being on hold, Key didn’t know what was going on over at their side.
He wasn’t sure what happened, but Hara’s visits started to vary as time went on. Since his gig on the radio show was at 1 in the morning and Hara appeared at the usual strike of 2, he was bright and alert to meet her. Letting her in with this new situation made the other Shinee members more at ease since Key would still have the lights on and would be walking around when Hara came rather than him staying up and waiting for her in the dark, waiting for that rustle, creak and scratch at the door.
However, she didn’t always show up at that time anymore. Key had a hunch Nicole had something to do with it, and the thoughts he voiced to her hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. Hara didn’t regularly come during the night anymore, instead changing her routine to the day time, around the afternoon where the streets were quiet and empty. The time of day where there weren’t any stampeding students around and the cars were all taking the highway route instead to get home from work.
Consequently after a while, the locks were changed again and Hara was rendered helpless outside. It was around that time when the members were all home when the familiar knock, scratch came, opening the door to find Hara standing there, neatly groomed and wearing warm clothes as she would if she were going out with a bunch of friends. She wasn’t completely out of it at this time, as Key came to notice, as she would eerily greet whoever was at the door before she was allowed inside. Onew and Jonghyun were genuinely disturbed by this, and they instead used the peephole to check when that knock, scratch came. Taemin, who had always been fond of Hara, attempted to chirp up the strange atmosphere when he was the one to let her in, but eventually he also distanced himself from her.
Soon, Key replaced her spare key again so the tension could relieve, with Hara letting herself in without anyone having to confront her.
It wasn’t that her visits were dreaded by the Shinee members, they did care for her and she was still the girl who Minho had chosen to marry, but they couldn’t help but become more and more aware of just how unsettling her behavior was, especially when they were able to see it before their own eyes.
Sometimes she didn’t go home and would end up spending the night inside Minho’s room because no one noticed her come in. With Shinee’s unexpected schedules popping up more and more and her silent entrance, life was moving on while she was sealed in a time capsule in Minho’s room.
Key saw that whenever Hara came during the afternoon, he saw from the window that Nicole would follow her several feet behind, completely unnoticed, just to make sure she arrived safely there. As soon as Hara stepped inside the building, Nicole would then retreat and head back home, leaving her in Shinee’s hands.
Key felt bitter as he just stood there, holding back the curtain and watching her walk away. He wanted to call out to her, just hold her back for a little while longer, but he knew he was asking for too much and he didn’t have the heart or courage to pursue her. Not when the wounds were still tender, not when Nicole’s face even from the distance was so solemn and pale, her deep brown eyes that always gleamed with a smile staring after her bandmate with such despair and helplessness. He could tell just from the look in those eyes that she loathed herself for allowing Hara to even get to this point of wandering outside in search of her one solace, and how the only thing she was able to do was keep her physically safe on the way there.
Key hated seeing Nicole like this, and it was once again because of Hara.
He came home earlier than usual that day, when the sun was still up on the edge of the horizon for those precious hours of twilight before everything sunk into darkness. Key congratulated himself in his head for this effort, as it meant his ghosting appearances in the entertainment world would now touch upon daylight, and that Shinee was slowly coming up onto the surface again.
He glanced at his phone for the time and huffed a soft sigh. Now that work was starting, the energy he had become accustomed to preserving was being burned up faster even with the little movement he had sitting in that radio booth. It seemed like it took nearly his everything to concentrate on his voice, to sound happy and carefree like the old Key for his fans, so they wouldn’t know of the misery he was still feeling inside. He had been trained for years on how to do this, so it wasn’t hard, but it didn’t mean it was any less tiring.
Taemin and Jonghyun were out and Onew was taking a nap in his room before he had a late filming that night, and Key felt a sting in his chest at how lonely it felt even though he was home. Perhaps he was still simply not used to it, this routine of forcing his face to smile, which only reminded him further of why he wasn’t smiling naturally.
He pulled off his jacket and placed it aside, rustling his hand through his styled hair, his eyes tracing up to Minho’s door where he stared at it burdensomely for a few long minutes.
He saw Hara come the day before but he wasn’t able to get home from his schedules. He had a hunch that there was a chance she was still in there, untouched and unnoticed by anyone else in this empty house.
She could even be dead in there and no one would know. Key tightened his fist at the thought, something inside him that resembled anger scraping at his throat. He didn’t even know if it was because she might be in there, alive or dead, or if it was because he was the one who had to find out.
Key rubbed his cold hands and went to the door, pushing it open to peer inside. The room was neat aside from a few of the comic books spread out across the floor and a small bundle of folded clothes next to the bed, but other than that, Key had to look around for a few more seconds, not seeing Hara where she usually was; either standing at the shelves and shifting this and that to one side and back, or sitting on Minho’s bed. Key finally stepped inside and closed the door, enveloping the room into a muted state where he could hear the sound of muffled music that he didn’t catch before.
Glancing around, he saw Hara lying on the ground next to the open closet. A split second of panic surged down Key’s spine when he thought she might be dead, but it relieved when he saw the way she was lying, curled up in a protective ball and her eyelashes fluttering slightly. She looked like a baby, wrapped in one of Minho’s sweaters that was obviously too big for her, snuggled against the soft rug where Minho stood so his bare feet wouldn’t be cold on the timber floor in the mornings when he changed out of his PJs.
Key sighed and walked over, surveying the girl coldly as he carefully kneeled down beside her. The music was louder now, and it was very clearly coming from the earphones she was wearing, and he was sure that even if she was awake the music would’ve drowned out any other sound and she wouldn’t even know he was there. He took one of the earphones out of her ear, and even without having to hold it close, he could hear Shinee’s song ‘Life’ playing. He pulled the mp3 player from Hara’s loose hand and examined the screen, where the song was on repeat.
So here he found her, in an empty room that wasn’t hers, like she was every day, coming in and out like a person whose soul was in abyss, not dead but too broken to be considered living. It was sickening and Key didn’t know what made him want to vomit more, the room or her, lying on the ground, falling asleep to the sound of her dead fiancé’s voice and wearing his sweater because it smelled like him.
The place drowned in desperation. He wanted to regret being here, wanted to regret having followed her out that night to the river, where he helped continue this cycle instead of leaving her to die and end her misery. He wanted to know what regret felt like coating his skin, etching into his soul so that he could feel the pain, but he didn't feel anything, not one bit.
Instead, Key cast aside the mp3 player and lifted the lifeless doll into his arms. She groaned in discomfort but didn’t open her eyes, her head swaying around at his movement until it finally rested against his chest. He carried her with sealed lips to Minho’s bed again, and placed her down on the mattress. She was lighter, he could tell, and her body felt even thinner and more fragile than before. He pulled Minho’s blanket over her warmly and sat down, studying her for a few moments. He watched Hara’s every small movement, where her hand reached up onto her pillow and gripped onto it, to the soft sounds she made as she shifted onto her side. Key watched her face, her sleeping face that was still beautiful even though her plump cheeks were hollow and her rosiness gone, pale and worn from the grief that overwhelmed her.
But still, she was beautiful, almost broken but not quite.
She probably hadn’t eaten for a long time, Key thought to himself, since he never really saw her go anywhere outside the room whenever she came over, and if she had stayed here for longer than a night, it was very likely she had collapsed beside that closet when he walked in because of her strength giving way. Leave her like this any longer and it was guaranteed she’d die, right here in this very room, no one ever finding out except him. Again, Key wanted to just walk away since she wasn’t his business, but it was too late now; if he left her now, snapping that door shut, he would be the one to kill her.
It was ironic that the tables had turned at this point.
He stared in a trance at the beauty that lied in his former bandmate’s bed, so fragile and vulnerable, so easily crushed like a small bug. Key reached out his hand and gently stroked her hair that had turned from flowery to potent, not been washed for so long. His finger traced a trail down the delicate soft skin of cheek, past the curve of her mouth, onto the chapped flesh of her lips. She looked as beautiful as she always had, but at the same time Key could barely recognize her as a Kara member who he had worked alongside for so many years.
Hara parted her lips and warm breath grazed the skin on Key’s finger. She turned her head on the pillow and scrunched up more of the blanket into her arms, a wire-like strand of hair fell onto her face as she shivered really hard. Key watched with a grim expression and brushed the hair back, wondering what she was dreaming of this time.
Him again, probably.
Key heaved another weary sigh and stood up, knowing he wasn’t going to get the answer he was looking for. He had known that for a very long time now. Fixing Hara’s blanket nonchalantly one more time, Key stepped out of the room and closed the door. He took a few seconds before he broke from his trance and released his hand from the door handle, his train of thought coming to a halt as he forced himself to think straight.
Key groaned and closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He really needed to take his mind off this, off Hara and her situation. It wasn’t doing anyone any good.
He went to the kitchen and started almost immediately to prepare something to eat. It was his specialty after all, cooking and providing a good solid meal for his members. He hadn’t been able to do so recently, with everything that had happened, and it felt even a little strange when he ended up making too much, forgetting that there weren’t 5 people in the dorm anymore. It always was supposed to bring him a peace of mind, but even that fantasy had ripped apart since Minho’s death. These days, the members only ate instant ramen, and it disheartened Key to see that. He had pushed himself to liven the mood so they could all eat nutritiously again, but like everything else, they had to start from the very bottom.
Key set his mind aside and instead tried to figure out what would be the best food for Hara when she woke up, if she was waking up at all. He sighed again to himself and decided some congee would be good since she would need something light for her stomach if she hadn’t eaten for a while. He went to the cupboard under the sink where the rice bag was and scooped in two cupfuls into a pan, filled it up with water and massaged the grains as the water turned cloudy white. After he discarded the rice water and filled it up again, he flicked on the stove with a skilled hand, placing on the pan and then quickly going to the kitchen to take out some eggs. It was in his nature to be quick, especially in the kitchen, so he didn’t need much thought for anything else when he was concentrating on his cooking. The room soon became luxuriously humid, filled with thick vapors from the sizzling frying pan and the bubbly of the congee.
Onew was up from his nap, still hazy as he came from his room to the kitchen. Absentmindedly, he headed straight for the fridge and opened it, reaching in for a carton of orange juice before he even realized Key was standing there. The sleep still in his eyes, Onew yawned and stretched up his arm before he set the carton down on the table and turned over to look at Key. He smiled sleepily and went over to see what he was doing.
“What are you making?” he asked, peering over Key’s shoulder. “Ah, congee and eggs?”
Key ignored him, busily scooping out the eggs onto a small plate. Onew’s smile faded when Key then accordingly placed the plate of food along with a bowl of congee onto a tray.
“Have some, hyung,” Key said distractedly, not noticing the older member’s stare. “I made a lot.” He moved the plate and bowl around so that it was balanced enough on the tray before he lifted it up.
“Where are you taking that?” Onew asked in a low voice, like he did whenever he was serious. Key had his back to him but he could feel that the stare that was playfully sleepy before had now changed. He glanced at his bandmate over his shoulder and his suspicion was confirmed before he dropped his gaze to the ground. Onew’s expression didn’t change.
“Hara’s still here, isn’t she?” he said. “I didn’t see her come in. Did she stay in Minho’s room since yesterday?”
“I don’t know,” Key muttered, putting the tray on the counter and pretending to rearrange it.
There was a dryness to the Shinee leader’s voice that irked him in a way he didn’t understand. Maybe it was because of the suppressed hostility, even when it was only Key that Onew was talking to, like he felt the need to cover up his true feelings so that no one would be hurt, Onew had always been like that. But Key had known him for too long, and he could tell. What was worse was that it was the same feelings Key had when he would think about Hara and the mess that she left behind, and he expressed his emotions much more coarsely with no attempts to pretend. But hearing just a hint of this same emotion coming from someone else, as hypocritical as it was, it caused something inside Key’s chest to tighten.
Onew smiled knowingly at him, like he could read his mind. He placed a hand on Key’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His grip was weak, reminding Key just how weary Onew had become watching from the sidelines.
“You can’t keep doing this,” Onew said, shaking his head. Key still refused to look at him.
“I’m just making her some food,” he mumbled. Onew shook his head.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. Hara-“
“What am I doing to her?” Key said sharply, struggling with all his might to keep his voice steady when anger suddenly surged through his veins, feeling falsely accused. Onew sensed this, and softened his voice.
“Just let her members take care of her, Kibum,” he told him. “Look, we’re not going to pretend what’s happening isn’t happening. Hara isn’t well, she doesn’t belong here.”
“She’s like this because she misses Minho,” Key insisted. “It’s her way of dealing with his death. She’s grieving, hyung.” Why was he suddenly defending her, and using, of all things, Nicole’s reasoning? “If we’re going to treat her like she’s a ghost, she’ll die right there in that room.”
“I know,” Onew said wearily, and he suddenly looked 10 years older, making Key almost regret speaking so harshly. “I know Hara is grieving, but we all are. She lost her fiancé, but we lost a member, a friend. Minho’s parents lost a son, his hyung lost a brother…”
Onew was forced to stop, his voice that was always so strong quivering and his throat went dry as the reality sank in deeper than before. He moved his hand that was trembling slightly from Key’s shoulder onto the counter to support himself, lost in his own words that were repeated mentally but only until now had been uttered out for his ears to hear, and it hurt.
It hurt badly, so badly… the fact that Minho was really gone from everyone’s lives. Not just his face on TV, not just his voice from the radio, not just from the dorm or from the studio, not just for a little while or a few months when they promoted overseas.
Minho was gone forever.
“We’ve all lost what she’s lost,” Onew said very softly.
Key inhaled sharply through his teeth and wiped the stray teardrop that rolled down his cheek, stubbornly remaining pokerfaced. He lowered his head to hide his face out of shame, even to his own bandmate, but shook his head vigorously.
“No, hyung,” he muttered. He hated himself for saying these words. “Hara’s lost more than us. Much more.” He bit hard into the side of his cheek that it was enough to draw blood, his frame shaking uncontrollably from all the emotions that he didn’t understand.
Seeing him in distress, Onew’s warm hand rubbed soothing circles on Key’s back, but he was no longer smiling. Too tired to smile from all of this. Onew glanced at the clock on the wall, breathing out deeply and emptying the cavity of his chest that it left a sting. He cleared his throat loudly and removed his hand, instead opening a cupboard overhead where the cups were kept. He glanced warily now and then at Key as he shifted the mugs aside so he could reach the glasses.
“Manager hyung is going to change the locks again tomorrow,” he told him. Key resumed his useless moving of the bowl and plate back and forth on the tray. Onew grabbed a clean glass and rubbed it against his sleeve, looking over uncertainly at the younger boy. “Don’t give her the key.”
“No,” Key said coldly.
“Kibum...”
“It’s winter, hyung.”
Onew didn’t answer right away even though he opened his mouth, eventually closing it again and biting his lip, unable to think of anything left to say at the cruel reality of Key’s reason. He sighed and stared down at the glass he was holding, shaking his head ruefully.
“Kibum… it isn’t your place,” he said, his leader instinct using the last of his strength to not sound like it was the end of the world. He looked at his bandmate again, who stood rigid with his back to him. “You can’t help her this way.”
“Then whose place is it?” Key shot back in defiance, his hand unknowingly curling into a fist. He stared at Onew, his eyes flaring with desperation for an answer he didn’t want to say. “Who will do this if I don’t?”
He convinced himself he was talking about the food since he was holding the tray, but a throbbing pain in his heart that he tried to ignore was telling him it was something else. He was speaking without thinking again, not understanding why he was asking or what his question even meant.
Onew could see before his eyes of the trauma Key was going through, to the point that he knew his words wouldn’t get through. Key held his own ground whenever he fought with his members, especially when he had his own arguments and opinions, but this time it was different. There was something different about Key, about the way he was handling this, and Onew didn’t know if this was something he could control.
“Hara needs time to heal,” he said softly. He shook his head again, resigning away and taking his glass over to the table where his juice carton was. “She can’t heal if she doesn’t even know she’s wounded.”
Key was left frozen with the words of the elder member searing into his skin when Onew lightly brushed past him. He heard the dull thump of the glass set down on the table and the gush of the orange juice from the mouth of the carton into it, and it caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. The words replayed.
Wounds… healing… wounds…
“If she doesn’t know, could we really just leave her there to die from her wounds?” Key thought out loud to himself. Onew kept a pensive gaze on the younger Shinee member but said nothing.
It wasn’t a question he could answer.
Onew glanced at the clock once again as he put away the juice carton, picked up his glass and took a quick sip before he spared his bandmate another silent glance. But Key was still standing there stiffly with the thoughts in his mind dividing between his conscience and the truth. It was too much.
With one last shake of his head, Onew was forced to step away, retreating back to his room where he would get ready for his schedule, hoping Key would figure something out on his own.
When Onew’s presence left, Key blinked a few times to bring himself out of whatever the hell he was pondering about. He looked down at his hand when a sharp sensation bit hard at his skin, seeing that he was clutching the tray so tightly that his knuckles were white. He let out a scoff of frustration and rubbed at the area, but again his mind went blurry as he stared at Hara’s food that was still piping hot.
For a second, he had almost forgotten why he was here in the first place.
Clearing this throat and recollecting his pride, Key took the tray by the handles on both sides and lifted it off the counter steadily with the bowl of steaming congee and plate of scrambled eggs. He maneuvered himself carefully around, back towards the direction of Minho’s room and took step after cautious step to make his way to the door.
He felt more at ease concentrating on his footing, enough to allow him to take in the quiet of the corridor that the throbbing in his head began to stop.
“Are you sure about this? Minho yah, are you sure?”
Key stopped in his tracks as he heard Hara’s voice, his heartbeat racing a thousand miles an hour at the sound of Minho’s name. His breath went up a hitch, his arms holding the tray trembling.
“A lot of people are going to be shocked.”
But it wasn’t because he had hope Minho was in there, talking to her. He knew that too well.
“I don’t know. I’m scared when I think that far ahead.”
Hara was talking to herself again.
There was an obstacle in front of him with the door sealed shut and his hands too full to grab for the handle, but Key wasn’t even bothering to think about that. He was rooted to the ground and Hara’s voice could be heard through the wood of the door because he was standing so close outside, yet she was completely unreachable inside.
He had heard her talk to herself before, many times, and each one of those times he felt nothing. It was just a mad woman rambling on and on to herself, wrapped up in her lonely little world where her imagination had to invent scenarios so that she had a means of escape. Key had watched and listened along with the other Shinee members from afar as Hara occasionally sunk into this eerie state of mind, shaking their heads with disapproval and looking away with disdain.
But it was different this time. Key slowly turned his body around and pressed his back onto the wall next to the door, just listening as a poignant air filled the empty corridor.
“How about we elope?” Hara said enthusiastically. “We can leave town for a few days, my unnie knows someone who can help us. You won’t run away, right?”
Key slowly slid down until he sank onto the ground, setting aside the tray of food and leaning his head back on the cold, hard stone of the wall.
“Tell me the truth, you don’t like the knight and horse I got you. Just admit it.”
Key’s shoulders started to shudder uncontrollably and tears rolled down his face, and he clapped his hand over his mouth so he wouldn’t make a noise.
“I know I’m pretty, but that’s not what I’m asking you, babo. Just answer the question.”
Normally, Key would roll his eyes to the nonsensical conversations Hara had with herself in that room, but at this moment, when he heard the words leave her lips, Minho’s soft voice replied back to her inside his head.
“I like you. Isn’t that the most important thing?”
“So, you don’t like it?”
Hara was replaying a real conversation, a real conversation when Minho was really there with her, a rea Key had heard before. It pained him so much when he couldn’t understand why he was able to recall what they said.
“I like you, and I like everything you give me because it’s from you.”
“If you don’t answer my question, I’m going to leave you.”
It was that day. That day when the two of them were in the apartment together, sitting on the floor together while Key was reading a book by himself a few feet away on the sofa. He wasn’t paying attention, he just remembered rolling his eyes when they started one of their childish bickering matches over nothing again, but when he envisioned that day, it was as clear and vivid as if it were happening right in front of him.
“Why did you choose a knight and horse?”
“I chose it so it can protect you from bad spirits when I’m not around.”
“Hey, do you mean you’re giving it to me so it can protect me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
Key squeezed his eyes tight and clutched his hand as hard as he could over his mouth to muffle his sobs, tears streaming down his face. No… stop… please make it stop… he couldn’t stand it…
“What’s with that expression?”
“What expression?”
“Minho yah, I know that expression.”
“There’s no expression! This is just how my face looks!”
Stop… Key wanted it to stop, the pain was unbearable. He clapped his hands over his ears to try and block it out, crying softly as he stared at the floor in front of him, but the movie in his mind kept playing.
“Hara why did you choose a knight? Don’t you think I’ll always be here to protect you so you don’t need one?”
“First of all, that knight is for you. Second of all, I don’t need a knight, and I don’t need you to be my knight either.”
Angry tears continued to pour from his guilty eyes as Key feebly leaned back against the wall, breathing shakily but keeping himself as quiet as he could, just listening to Hara’s voice speak and imagining Minho’s voice reply.
“If I’m not your knight, then what am I?”
Key closed his eyes, readying himself for the slashing pain of her reply.
“You’re my prince, Minho yah. When I have my prince, I don’t need a knight, that’s why I’m giving that to you as a gift.”
Key cried softly, his head leaned onto his shoulder, with his back against the wall and the tray of food that had gone cold left abandoned on the ground next to him. He hated himself for hearing this. He hated himself for remembering this meaningless conversation.
It was supposed to be just another day that he had no reason to think about, a conversation he had no reason to remember, just a meaningless day. He wasn’t even looking at them, he wasn’t even listening to them, he was simply in earshot, but he wasn’t listening to them. Why did he remember this? Why was he being forced to remember this?
Key slumped, his strength completely vaporized, and he closed his eyes to spill the remaining tears out. He pounded his fist hard onto the stone wall, so hard that the skin broke.
Hara was lost in her memories, memories that were real. Much too real.
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>>5
Key and Nicole had rarely fought as a couple, and usually they would reconcile quickly afterwards. It wasn’t because either of them was stubborn or hard-headed enough to not speak to the other due to a disagreement, but the two had always steered clear of getting into arguments over serious matters and would often just bicker over little things.
But the seriousness of this fight couldn’t be resolved that easily.
Key waited to see if Nicole would call him in the week after he walked out on her during their discussion about Hara. He waited for her, but her call never came. This wasn’t an issue to initiate a breakup between them, so Key wasn’t as worried as he was exhausted. He knew Nicole well, she was an emotional person and in times like these the best thing to do was give her time. No pursuing, no attempts to break the silence… just let the feelings simmer and cool down.
Key’s schedule, as well as the other Shinee members, was becoming more and more eventful as their company felt that the amount of months to drift by had been enough for the waters to calm and for Shinee to resurface into the industry. This was a positive thing since they were eager to escape the dorm and engage in some activities instead of being constantly reminded that they weren’t doing anything because of Minho’s death. They were still kept on the down low, with Jonghyun and Taemin cast together on Star King where they were allowed to fade in with the crowd rather than have attention focused on them, and Key was assigned to a regular spot on a radio show, which he was grateful for.
Without Nicole, without knowing what was going on with Kara aside from the reports by the media, which was only about their activities still being on hold, Key didn’t know what was going on over at their side.
He wasn’t sure what happened, but Hara’s visits started to vary as time went on. Since his gig on the radio show was at 1 in the morning and Hara appeared at the usual strike of 2, he was bright and alert to meet her. Letting her in with this new situation made the other Shinee members more at ease since Key would still have the lights on and would be walking around when Hara came rather than him staying up and waiting for her in the dark, waiting for that rustle, creak and scratch at the door.
However, she didn’t always show up at that time anymore. Key had a hunch Nicole had something to do with it, and the thoughts he voiced to her hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. Hara didn’t regularly come during the night anymore, instead changing her routine to the day time, around the afternoon where the streets were quiet and empty. The time of day where there weren’t any stampeding students around and the cars were all taking the highway route instead to get home from work.
Consequently after a while, the locks were changed again and Hara was rendered helpless outside. It was around that time when the members were all home when the familiar knock, scratch came, opening the door to find Hara standing there, neatly groomed and wearing warm clothes as she would if she were going out with a bunch of friends. She wasn’t completely out of it at this time, as Key came to notice, as she would eerily greet whoever was at the door before she was allowed inside. Onew and Jonghyun were genuinely disturbed by this, and they instead used the peephole to check when that knock, scratch came. Taemin, who had always been fond of Hara, attempted to chirp up the strange atmosphere when he was the one to let her in, but eventually he also distanced himself from her.
Soon, Key replaced her spare key again so the tension could relieve, with Hara letting herself in without anyone having to confront her.
It wasn’t that her visits were dreaded by the Shinee members, they did care for her and she was still the girl who Minho had chosen to marry, but they couldn’t help but become more and more aware of just how unsettling her behavior was, especially when they were able to see it before their own eyes.
Sometimes she didn’t go home and would end up spending the night inside Minho’s room because no one noticed her come in. With Shinee’s unexpected schedules popping up more and more and her silent entrance, life was moving on while she was sealed in a time capsule in Minho’s room.
Key saw that whenever Hara came during the afternoon, he saw from the window that Nicole would follow her several feet behind, completely unnoticed, just to make sure she arrived safely there. As soon as Hara stepped inside the building, Nicole would then retreat and head back home, leaving her in Shinee’s hands.
Key felt bitter as he just stood there, holding back the curtain and watching her walk away. He wanted to call out to her, just hold her back for a little while longer, but he knew he was asking for too much and he didn’t have the heart or courage to pursue her. Not when the wounds were still tender, not when Nicole’s face even from the distance was so solemn and pale, her deep brown eyes that always gleamed with a smile staring after her bandmate with such despair and helplessness. He could tell just from the look in those eyes that she loathed herself for allowing Hara to even get to this point of wandering outside in search of her one solace, and how the only thing she was able to do was keep her physically safe on the way there.
Key hated seeing Nicole like this, and it was once again because of Hara.
He came home earlier than usual that day, when the sun was still up on the edge of the horizon for those precious hours of twilight before everything sunk into darkness. Key congratulated himself in his head for this effort, as it meant his ghosting appearances in the entertainment world would now touch upon daylight, and that Shinee was slowly coming up onto the surface again.
He glanced at his phone for the time and huffed a soft sigh. Now that work was starting, the energy he had become accustomed to preserving was being burned up faster even with the little movement he had sitting in that radio booth. It seemed like it took nearly his everything to concentrate on his voice, to sound happy and carefree like the old Key for his fans, so they wouldn’t know of the misery he was still feeling inside. He had been trained for years on how to do this, so it wasn’t hard, but it didn’t mean it was any less tiring.
Taemin and Jonghyun were out and Onew was taking a nap in his room before he had a late filming that night, and Key felt a sting in his chest at how lonely it felt even though he was home. Perhaps he was still simply not used to it, this routine of forcing his face to smile, which only reminded him further of why he wasn’t smiling naturally.
He pulled off his jacket and placed it aside, rustling his hand through his styled hair, his eyes tracing up to Minho’s door where he stared at it burdensomely for a few long minutes.
He saw Hara come the day before but he wasn’t able to get home from his schedules. He had a hunch that there was a chance she was still in there, untouched and unnoticed by anyone else in this empty house.
She could even be dead in there and no one would know. Key tightened his fist at the thought, something inside him that resembled anger scraping at his throat. He didn’t even know if it was because she might be in there, alive or dead, or if it was because he was the one who had to find out.
Key rubbed his cold hands and went to the door, pushing it open to peer inside. The room was neat aside from a few of the comic books spread out across the floor and a small bundle of folded clothes next to the bed, but other than that, Key had to look around for a few more seconds, not seeing Hara where she usually was; either standing at the shelves and shifting this and that to one side and back, or sitting on Minho’s bed. Key finally stepped inside and closed the door, enveloping the room into a muted state where he could hear the sound of muffled music that he didn’t catch before.
Glancing around, he saw Hara lying on the ground next to the open closet. A split second of panic surged down Key’s spine when he thought she might be dead, but it relieved when he saw the way she was lying, curled up in a protective ball and her eyelashes fluttering slightly. She looked like a baby, wrapped in one of Minho’s sweaters that was obviously too big for her, snuggled against the soft rug where Minho stood so his bare feet wouldn’t be cold on the timber floor in the mornings when he changed out of his PJs.
Key sighed and walked over, surveying the girl coldly as he carefully kneeled down beside her. The music was louder now, and it was very clearly coming from the earphones she was wearing, and he was sure that even if she was awake the music would’ve drowned out any other sound and she wouldn’t even know he was there. He took one of the earphones out of her ear, and even without having to hold it close, he could hear Shinee’s song ‘Life’ playing. He pulled the mp3 player from Hara’s loose hand and examined the screen, where the song was on repeat.
So here he found her, in an empty room that wasn’t hers, like she was every day, coming in and out like a person whose soul was in abyss, not dead but too broken to be considered living. It was sickening and Key didn’t know what made him want to vomit more, the room or her, lying on the ground, falling asleep to the sound of her dead fiancé’s voice and wearing his sweater because it smelled like him.
The place drowned in desperation. He wanted to regret being here, wanted to regret having followed her out that night to the river, where he helped continue this cycle instead of leaving her to die and end her misery. He wanted to know what regret felt like coating his skin, etching into his soul so that he could feel the pain, but he didn't feel anything, not one bit.
Instead, Key cast aside the mp3 player and lifted the lifeless doll into his arms. She groaned in discomfort but didn’t open her eyes, her head swaying around at his movement until it finally rested against his chest. He carried her with sealed lips to Minho’s bed again, and placed her down on the mattress. She was lighter, he could tell, and her body felt even thinner and more fragile than before. He pulled Minho’s blanket over her warmly and sat down, studying her for a few moments. He watched Hara’s every small movement, where her hand reached up onto her pillow and gripped onto it, to the soft sounds she made as she shifted onto her side. Key watched her face, her sleeping face that was still beautiful even though her plump cheeks were hollow and her rosiness gone, pale and worn from the grief that overwhelmed her.
But still, she was beautiful, almost broken but not quite.
She probably hadn’t eaten for a long time, Key thought to himself, since he never really saw her go anywhere outside the room whenever she came over, and if she had stayed here for longer than a night, it was very likely she had collapsed beside that closet when he walked in because of her strength giving way. Leave her like this any longer and it was guaranteed she’d die, right here in this very room, no one ever finding out except him. Again, Key wanted to just walk away since she wasn’t his business, but it was too late now; if he left her now, snapping that door shut, he would be the one to kill her.
It was ironic that the tables had turned at this point.
He stared in a trance at the beauty that lied in his former bandmate’s bed, so fragile and vulnerable, so easily crushed like a small bug. Key reached out his hand and gently stroked her hair that had turned from flowery to potent, not been washed for so long. His finger traced a trail down the delicate soft skin of cheek, past the curve of her mouth, onto the chapped flesh of her lips. She looked as beautiful as she always had, but at the same time Key could barely recognize her as a Kara member who he had worked alongside for so many years.
Hara parted her lips and warm breath grazed the skin on Key’s finger. She turned her head on the pillow and scrunched up more of the blanket into her arms, a wire-like strand of hair fell onto her face as she shivered really hard. Key watched with a grim expression and brushed the hair back, wondering what she was dreaming of this time.
Him again, probably.
Key heaved another weary sigh and stood up, knowing he wasn’t going to get the answer he was looking for. He had known that for a very long time now. Fixing Hara’s blanket nonchalantly one more time, Key stepped out of the room and closed the door. He took a few seconds before he broke from his trance and released his hand from the door handle, his train of thought coming to a halt as he forced himself to think straight.
Key groaned and closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He really needed to take his mind off this, off Hara and her situation. It wasn’t doing anyone any good.
He went to the kitchen and started almost immediately to prepare something to eat. It was his specialty after all, cooking and providing a good solid meal for his members. He hadn’t been able to do so recently, with everything that had happened, and it felt even a little strange when he ended up making too much, forgetting that there weren’t 5 people in the dorm anymore. It always was supposed to bring him a peace of mind, but even that fantasy had ripped apart since Minho’s death. These days, the members only ate instant ramen, and it disheartened Key to see that. He had pushed himself to liven the mood so they could all eat nutritiously again, but like everything else, they had to start from the very bottom.
Key set his mind aside and instead tried to figure out what would be the best food for Hara when she woke up, if she was waking up at all. He sighed again to himself and decided some congee would be good since she would need something light for her stomach if she hadn’t eaten for a while. He went to the cupboard under the sink where the rice bag was and scooped in two cupfuls into a pan, filled it up with water and massaged the grains as the water turned cloudy white. After he discarded the rice water and filled it up again, he flicked on the stove with a skilled hand, placing on the pan and then quickly going to the kitchen to take out some eggs. It was in his nature to be quick, especially in the kitchen, so he didn’t need much thought for anything else when he was concentrating on his cooking. The room soon became luxuriously humid, filled with thick vapors from the sizzling frying pan and the bubbly of the congee.
Onew was up from his nap, still hazy as he came from his room to the kitchen. Absentmindedly, he headed straight for the fridge and opened it, reaching in for a carton of orange juice before he even realized Key was standing there. The sleep still in his eyes, Onew yawned and stretched up his arm before he set the carton down on the table and turned over to look at Key. He smiled sleepily and went over to see what he was doing.
“What are you making?” he asked, peering over Key’s shoulder. “Ah, congee and eggs?”
Key ignored him, busily scooping out the eggs onto a small plate. Onew’s smile faded when Key then accordingly placed the plate of food along with a bowl of congee onto a tray.
“Have some, hyung,” Key said distractedly, not noticing the older member’s stare. “I made a lot.” He moved the plate and bowl around so that it was balanced enough on the tray before he lifted it up.
“Where are you taking that?” Onew asked in a low voice, like he did whenever he was serious. Key had his back to him but he could feel that the stare that was playfully sleepy before had now changed. He glanced at his bandmate over his shoulder and his suspicion was confirmed before he dropped his gaze to the ground. Onew’s expression didn’t change.
“Hara’s still here, isn’t she?” he said. “I didn’t see her come in. Did she stay in Minho’s room since yesterday?”
“I don’t know,” Key muttered, putting the tray on the counter and pretending to rearrange it.
There was a dryness to the Shinee leader’s voice that irked him in a way he didn’t understand. Maybe it was because of the suppressed hostility, even when it was only Key that Onew was talking to, like he felt the need to cover up his true feelings so that no one would be hurt, Onew had always been like that. But Key had known him for too long, and he could tell. What was worse was that it was the same feelings Key had when he would think about Hara and the mess that she left behind, and he expressed his emotions much more coarsely with no attempts to pretend. But hearing just a hint of this same emotion coming from someone else, as hypocritical as it was, it caused something inside Key’s chest to tighten.
Onew smiled knowingly at him, like he could read his mind. He placed a hand on Key’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His grip was weak, reminding Key just how weary Onew had become watching from the sidelines.
“You can’t keep doing this,” Onew said, shaking his head. Key still refused to look at him.
“I’m just making her some food,” he mumbled. Onew shook his head.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. Hara-“
“What am I doing to her?” Key said sharply, struggling with all his might to keep his voice steady when anger suddenly surged through his veins, feeling falsely accused. Onew sensed this, and softened his voice.
“Just let her members take care of her, Kibum,” he told him. “Look, we’re not going to pretend what’s happening isn’t happening. Hara isn’t well, she doesn’t belong here.”
“She’s like this because she misses Minho,” Key insisted. “It’s her way of dealing with his death. She’s grieving, hyung.” Why was he suddenly defending her, and using, of all things, Nicole’s reasoning? “If we’re going to treat her like she’s a ghost, she’ll die right there in that room.”
“I know,” Onew said wearily, and he suddenly looked 10 years older, making Key almost regret speaking so harshly. “I know Hara is grieving, but we all are. She lost her fiancé, but we lost a member, a friend. Minho’s parents lost a son, his hyung lost a brother…”
Onew was forced to stop, his voice that was always so strong quivering and his throat went dry as the reality sank in deeper than before. He moved his hand that was trembling slightly from Key’s shoulder onto the counter to support himself, lost in his own words that were repeated mentally but only until now had been uttered out for his ears to hear, and it hurt.
It hurt badly, so badly… the fact that Minho was really gone from everyone’s lives. Not just his face on TV, not just his voice from the radio, not just from the dorm or from the studio, not just for a little while or a few months when they promoted overseas.
Minho was gone forever.
“We’ve all lost what she’s lost,” Onew said very softly.
Key inhaled sharply through his teeth and wiped the stray teardrop that rolled down his cheek, stubbornly remaining pokerfaced. He lowered his head to hide his face out of shame, even to his own bandmate, but shook his head vigorously.
“No, hyung,” he muttered. He hated himself for saying these words. “Hara’s lost more than us. Much more.” He bit hard into the side of his cheek that it was enough to draw blood, his frame shaking uncontrollably from all the emotions that he didn’t understand.
Seeing him in distress, Onew’s warm hand rubbed soothing circles on Key’s back, but he was no longer smiling. Too tired to smile from all of this. Onew glanced at the clock on the wall, breathing out deeply and emptying the cavity of his chest that it left a sting. He cleared his throat loudly and removed his hand, instead opening a cupboard overhead where the cups were kept. He glanced warily now and then at Key as he shifted the mugs aside so he could reach the glasses.
“Manager hyung is going to change the locks again tomorrow,” he told him. Key resumed his useless moving of the bowl and plate back and forth on the tray. Onew grabbed a clean glass and rubbed it against his sleeve, looking over uncertainly at the younger boy. “Don’t give her the key.”
“No,” Key said coldly.
“Kibum...”
“It’s winter, hyung.”
Onew didn’t answer right away even though he opened his mouth, eventually closing it again and biting his lip, unable to think of anything left to say at the cruel reality of Key’s reason. He sighed and stared down at the glass he was holding, shaking his head ruefully.
“Kibum… it isn’t your place,” he said, his leader instinct using the last of his strength to not sound like it was the end of the world. He looked at his bandmate again, who stood rigid with his back to him. “You can’t help her this way.”
“Then whose place is it?” Key shot back in defiance, his hand unknowingly curling into a fist. He stared at Onew, his eyes flaring with desperation for an answer he didn’t want to say. “Who will do this if I don’t?”
He convinced himself he was talking about the food since he was holding the tray, but a throbbing pain in his heart that he tried to ignore was telling him it was something else. He was speaking without thinking again, not understanding why he was asking or what his question even meant.
Onew could see before his eyes of the trauma Key was going through, to the point that he knew his words wouldn’t get through. Key held his own ground whenever he fought with his members, especially when he had his own arguments and opinions, but this time it was different. There was something different about Key, about the way he was handling this, and Onew didn’t know if this was something he could control.
“Hara needs time to heal,” he said softly. He shook his head again, resigning away and taking his glass over to the table where his juice carton was. “She can’t heal if she doesn’t even know she’s wounded.”
Key was left frozen with the words of the elder member searing into his skin when Onew lightly brushed past him. He heard the dull thump of the glass set down on the table and the gush of the orange juice from the mouth of the carton into it, and it caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. The words replayed.
Wounds… healing… wounds…
“If she doesn’t know, could we really just leave her there to die from her wounds?” Key thought out loud to himself. Onew kept a pensive gaze on the younger Shinee member but said nothing.
It wasn’t a question he could answer.
Onew glanced at the clock once again as he put away the juice carton, picked up his glass and took a quick sip before he spared his bandmate another silent glance. But Key was still standing there stiffly with the thoughts in his mind dividing between his conscience and the truth. It was too much.
With one last shake of his head, Onew was forced to step away, retreating back to his room where he would get ready for his schedule, hoping Key would figure something out on his own.
When Onew’s presence left, Key blinked a few times to bring himself out of whatever the hell he was pondering about. He looked down at his hand when a sharp sensation bit hard at his skin, seeing that he was clutching the tray so tightly that his knuckles were white. He let out a scoff of frustration and rubbed at the area, but again his mind went blurry as he stared at Hara’s food that was still piping hot.
For a second, he had almost forgotten why he was here in the first place.
Clearing this throat and recollecting his pride, Key took the tray by the handles on both sides and lifted it off the counter steadily with the bowl of steaming congee and plate of scrambled eggs. He maneuvered himself carefully around, back towards the direction of Minho’s room and took step after cautious step to make his way to the door.
He felt more at ease concentrating on his footing, enough to allow him to take in the quiet of the corridor that the throbbing in his head began to stop.
“Are you sure about this? Minho yah, are you sure?”
Key stopped in his tracks as he heard Hara’s voice, his heartbeat racing a thousand miles an hour at the sound of Minho’s name. His breath went up a hitch, his arms holding the tray trembling.
“A lot of people are going to be shocked.”
But it wasn’t because he had hope Minho was in there, talking to her. He knew that too well.
“I don’t know. I’m scared when I think that far ahead.”
Hara was talking to herself again.
There was an obstacle in front of him with the door sealed shut and his hands too full to grab for the handle, but Key wasn’t even bothering to think about that. He was rooted to the ground and Hara’s voice could be heard through the wood of the door because he was standing so close outside, yet she was completely unreachable inside.
He had heard her talk to herself before, many times, and each one of those times he felt nothing. It was just a mad woman rambling on and on to herself, wrapped up in her lonely little world where her imagination had to invent scenarios so that she had a means of escape. Key had watched and listened along with the other Shinee members from afar as Hara occasionally sunk into this eerie state of mind, shaking their heads with disapproval and looking away with disdain.
But it was different this time. Key slowly turned his body around and pressed his back onto the wall next to the door, just listening as a poignant air filled the empty corridor.
“How about we elope?” Hara said enthusiastically. “We can leave town for a few days, my unnie knows someone who can help us. You won’t run away, right?”
Key slowly slid down until he sank onto the ground, setting aside the tray of food and leaning his head back on the cold, hard stone of the wall.
“Tell me the truth, you don’t like the knight and horse I got you. Just admit it.”
Key’s shoulders started to shudder uncontrollably and tears rolled down his face, and he clapped his hand over his mouth so he wouldn’t make a noise.
“I know I’m pretty, but that’s not what I’m asking you, babo. Just answer the question.”
Normally, Key would roll his eyes to the nonsensical conversations Hara had with herself in that room, but at this moment, when he heard the words leave her lips, Minho’s soft voice replied back to her inside his head.
“I like you. Isn’t that the most important thing?”
“So, you don’t like it?”
Hara was replaying a real conversation, a real conversation when Minho was really there with her, a rea Key had heard before. It pained him so much when he couldn’t understand why he was able to recall what they said.
“I like you, and I like everything you give me because it’s from you.”
“If you don’t answer my question, I’m going to leave you.”
It was that day. That day when the two of them were in the apartment together, sitting on the floor together while Key was reading a book by himself a few feet away on the sofa. He wasn’t paying attention, he just remembered rolling his eyes when they started one of their childish bickering matches over nothing again, but when he envisioned that day, it was as clear and vivid as if it were happening right in front of him.
“Why did you choose a knight and horse?”
“I chose it so it can protect you from bad spirits when I’m not around.”
“Hey, do you mean you’re giving it to me so it can protect me? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
Key squeezed his eyes tight and clutched his hand as hard as he could over his mouth to muffle his sobs, tears streaming down his face. No… stop… please make it stop… he couldn’t stand it…
“What’s with that expression?”
“What expression?”
“Minho yah, I know that expression.”
“There’s no expression! This is just how my face looks!”
Stop… Key wanted it to stop, the pain was unbearable. He clapped his hands over his ears to try and block it out, crying softly as he stared at the floor in front of him, but the movie in his mind kept playing.
“Hara why did you choose a knight? Don’t you think I’ll always be here to protect you so you don’t need one?”
“First of all, that knight is for you. Second of all, I don’t need a knight, and I don’t need you to be my knight either.”
Angry tears continued to pour from his guilty eyes as Key feebly leaned back against the wall, breathing shakily but keeping himself as quiet as he could, just listening to Hara’s voice speak and imagining Minho’s voice reply.
“If I’m not your knight, then what am I?”
Key closed his eyes, readying himself for the slashing pain of her reply.
“You’re my prince, Minho yah. When I have my prince, I don’t need a knight, that’s why I’m giving that to you as a gift.”
Key cried softly, his head leaned onto his shoulder, with his back against the wall and the tray of food that had gone cold left abandoned on the ground next to him. He hated himself for hearing this. He hated himself for remembering this meaningless conversation.
It was supposed to be just another day that he had no reason to think about, a conversation he had no reason to remember, just a meaningless day. He wasn’t even looking at them, he wasn’t even listening to them, he was simply in earshot, but he wasn’t listening to them. Why did he remember this? Why was he being forced to remember this?
Key slumped, his strength completely vaporized, and he closed his eyes to spill the remaining tears out. He pounded his fist hard onto the stone wall, so hard that the skin broke.
Hara was lost in her memories, memories that were real. Much too real.
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