Queer as Folk - But The Strangest Of Feelings
Title: but the strangest of feelings
Pairings or Characters: Brian/Justin
Genre: schmoop with a touch of angst
Kinks/Prompt: --
Setting: during 1.14
Summary: "Where have you been?" Justin asked quietly so he wouldn't wake the baby. - "I went to see my dad."
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing
Word Count: 1,115
Warnings: --
Disclaimer: I'm only playing in the CowLip/Showtime sandbox. The title is from the song "Wire to Wire" by Razorlight.
Author's Note: Yet another gapfiller... hope you'll enjoy it. This is also not beta'd.
but the strangest of feelings
When Brian returned home, he had completely forgotten about Justin. More specifically, he had forgotten about Justin babysitting Gus at his place. He found them on the bed, the baby sound asleep and Justin lying next to him, flipping through a magazine. It was an adorable sight, if such a word existed in his vocabulary.
"Where have you been?" Justin asked quietly so he wouldn't wake the baby.
"None of your business," Brian all but grunted as he slipped out of his coat and went to fix himself a drink.
"Picked up some Leather Ball leftovers?"
"Fuck you."
"Brian?"
Brian dragged his feet up the steps to the bedroom, took a sip from his scotch and sat down on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Justin. "I went to see my dad."
"And?"
With a long gulp, Brian finished his drink, then lay down on his side, head propped on one hand, next to Gus who snored quietly. With a finger, he touched the baby's hand, tiny digits closing around his on reflex.
"I told him."
"What did he say?" Justin closed the magazine and put it on the bedside table.
Brian shrugged with one shoulder, jaw clenching around the words before he was able to say them. "That I should die instead of him."
"Fuck," Justin exclaimed under this breath.
Brian shushed him. "No cussing in front of the baby." He tried to make it sound light, playful, but failed.
"I'm sorry he said that."
"I didn't expect anything else from him."
"Then why did you tell him?" Justin picked up the pacifier Gus had spit it out. "Because Debbie told you to?"
Brian snorted indelicately, startling his son who let out a little mewling sound. "Maybe." He took the pacifier from Justin and held it out to Gus who gradually sucked it into his mouth. "But she was wrong. He didn't give a fuck about me for the past thirty years. Telling him now wasn't going to make him break out the bubbly."
"No cussing in front of the baby, remember?" Carefully, Justin picked up the little kid, cradling him against his chest. "I'll put him into his crib."
Brian looked after him as Justin rose from the bed and carried Gus over to the playpen they had set up as his bed. "You're good with him," he heard himself say before he even realized he was speaking aloud.
Justin laid the baby down, tugged his teddy-embroidered blanket around him and brushed the back of his fingers over the kid's peachy cheek. "I used to look after my sister. My mom says I'm good with kids."
"Funny." Brian grinned at him but it didn't touch his eyes. "She said the same thing about me, too."
Justin scowled at him. "Not funny." He sat down on the bed again. "How come you never told him?"
"Because I know him?"
"Can you be serious?" Justin punched him in the thigh.
"I am." He held out his hands in defiance. "If your mom hadn't found out, if she hadn't told your dad... would you have told them?"
Justin looked at him for a long moment before he shrugged. "Eventually, I guess."
"That's right." Brian jabbed a finger against Justin's chest. "Because they care about you. And you care about them."
Rolling his eyes at him, Justin swatted his hand away. "You care about your parents, too. Whether you like it or not. Because if you didn't you wouldn't have told your dad now. Or you would have told them a long time ago, just to spite them."
A wry smile curled the corner of Brian's mouth as he reached up to run a hand through Justin's blond hair, twirling some of the short strands between his fingertips in an absent gesture.
"I'm proud of you," he said after a long moment when what he really felt was nothing but envy. Of course, he would never admit that, not even to himself.
"Why?"
"Your courage," Brian replied, matter-of-factly. "Coming to Liberty Avenue that night, going home with me. The way you stood up to your parents, the guys at your school. Running off to New York... with my credit card."
A blush crept onto Justin's cheeks and he looked away from him. "That wasn't courageous. That was stupid."
"There's a fine, fine line."
Justin took his hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Close your eyes," he ordered with a smile.
Brian withdrew his hand, patting Justin's thigh. "I'm not in the mood."
"That'd be a first." Justin grinned at him. "But that's not what I meant. Now come on. Close your eyes." He nudged him in the side. "I won't hurt you."
Brian sighed in defeat, closing his eyes, then he opened the right one again. "Not even if I ask you to?"
Justin nudged him again. "Please?"
Brian finally complied, closing both his eyes. Only seconds later, he felt Justin' arm slip underneath his neck and the boy's familiar weight settle along his side. He rested his head on his chest, draping the other arm around his body.
"What are you doing?" Brian asked, peering through half-closed lids at the top of Justin's blonde head.
Justin shifted so he could look at him. "You may not be able or willing to love anyone but yourself but... at least let yourself be loved." He traced Brian's jawline with his fingertips. "Just for a little while."
Brian stared at him, praying to whatever higher power he even remotely believed it, that Justin didn't hear his heart racing in his chest. He didn't dare open his mouth, fearing whatever might come out. Instead he swallowed hard and let his arms slide around Justin's shoulders.
He felt his warmth seep into his body, rekindling the fatigue in his bones. He felt Justin's breath brush over his arm, smelled the soap on his skin, felt the rise and fall of his chest against his own. By the time he realized it, they were already breathing in sync.
They lay like that for while and Brian was about to drift off to sleep when Justin stirred beside him, running a hand up his arm.
"So how's this?" At the last word, Justin squeezed down gently on this biceps.
Part of Brian wanted to tell him what he always told him: "I'd rather fuck you." Another, slightly bigger part wanted to say: "It's actually not so bad." But the biggest part wanted to say nothing, wanted just to lay together and, if possible, sleep for a week. Which he would never admit either.
On their own accord, he felt his arms tighten around Justin and let that be his answer.
Pairings or Characters: Brian/Justin
Genre: schmoop with a touch of angst
Kinks/Prompt: --
Setting: during 1.14
Summary: "Where have you been?" Justin asked quietly so he wouldn't wake the baby. - "I went to see my dad."
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing
Word Count: 1,115
Warnings: --
Disclaimer: I'm only playing in the CowLip/Showtime sandbox. The title is from the song "Wire to Wire" by Razorlight.
Author's Note: Yet another gapfiller... hope you'll enjoy it. This is also not beta'd.
but the strangest of feelings
When Brian returned home, he had completely forgotten about Justin. More specifically, he had forgotten about Justin babysitting Gus at his place. He found them on the bed, the baby sound asleep and Justin lying next to him, flipping through a magazine. It was an adorable sight, if such a word existed in his vocabulary.
"Where have you been?" Justin asked quietly so he wouldn't wake the baby.
"None of your business," Brian all but grunted as he slipped out of his coat and went to fix himself a drink.
"Picked up some Leather Ball leftovers?"
"Fuck you."
"Brian?"
Brian dragged his feet up the steps to the bedroom, took a sip from his scotch and sat down on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Justin. "I went to see my dad."
"And?"
With a long gulp, Brian finished his drink, then lay down on his side, head propped on one hand, next to Gus who snored quietly. With a finger, he touched the baby's hand, tiny digits closing around his on reflex.
"I told him."
"What did he say?" Justin closed the magazine and put it on the bedside table.
Brian shrugged with one shoulder, jaw clenching around the words before he was able to say them. "That I should die instead of him."
"Fuck," Justin exclaimed under this breath.
Brian shushed him. "No cussing in front of the baby." He tried to make it sound light, playful, but failed.
"I'm sorry he said that."
"I didn't expect anything else from him."
"Then why did you tell him?" Justin picked up the pacifier Gus had spit it out. "Because Debbie told you to?"
Brian snorted indelicately, startling his son who let out a little mewling sound. "Maybe." He took the pacifier from Justin and held it out to Gus who gradually sucked it into his mouth. "But she was wrong. He didn't give a fuck about me for the past thirty years. Telling him now wasn't going to make him break out the bubbly."
"No cussing in front of the baby, remember?" Carefully, Justin picked up the little kid, cradling him against his chest. "I'll put him into his crib."
Brian looked after him as Justin rose from the bed and carried Gus over to the playpen they had set up as his bed. "You're good with him," he heard himself say before he even realized he was speaking aloud.
Justin laid the baby down, tugged his teddy-embroidered blanket around him and brushed the back of his fingers over the kid's peachy cheek. "I used to look after my sister. My mom says I'm good with kids."
"Funny." Brian grinned at him but it didn't touch his eyes. "She said the same thing about me, too."
Justin scowled at him. "Not funny." He sat down on the bed again. "How come you never told him?"
"Because I know him?"
"Can you be serious?" Justin punched him in the thigh.
"I am." He held out his hands in defiance. "If your mom hadn't found out, if she hadn't told your dad... would you have told them?"
Justin looked at him for a long moment before he shrugged. "Eventually, I guess."
"That's right." Brian jabbed a finger against Justin's chest. "Because they care about you. And you care about them."
Rolling his eyes at him, Justin swatted his hand away. "You care about your parents, too. Whether you like it or not. Because if you didn't you wouldn't have told your dad now. Or you would have told them a long time ago, just to spite them."
A wry smile curled the corner of Brian's mouth as he reached up to run a hand through Justin's blond hair, twirling some of the short strands between his fingertips in an absent gesture.
"I'm proud of you," he said after a long moment when what he really felt was nothing but envy. Of course, he would never admit that, not even to himself.
"Why?"
"Your courage," Brian replied, matter-of-factly. "Coming to Liberty Avenue that night, going home with me. The way you stood up to your parents, the guys at your school. Running off to New York... with my credit card."
A blush crept onto Justin's cheeks and he looked away from him. "That wasn't courageous. That was stupid."
"There's a fine, fine line."
Justin took his hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Close your eyes," he ordered with a smile.
Brian withdrew his hand, patting Justin's thigh. "I'm not in the mood."
"That'd be a first." Justin grinned at him. "But that's not what I meant. Now come on. Close your eyes." He nudged him in the side. "I won't hurt you."
Brian sighed in defeat, closing his eyes, then he opened the right one again. "Not even if I ask you to?"
Justin nudged him again. "Please?"
Brian finally complied, closing both his eyes. Only seconds later, he felt Justin' arm slip underneath his neck and the boy's familiar weight settle along his side. He rested his head on his chest, draping the other arm around his body.
"What are you doing?" Brian asked, peering through half-closed lids at the top of Justin's blonde head.
Justin shifted so he could look at him. "You may not be able or willing to love anyone but yourself but... at least let yourself be loved." He traced Brian's jawline with his fingertips. "Just for a little while."
Brian stared at him, praying to whatever higher power he even remotely believed it, that Justin didn't hear his heart racing in his chest. He didn't dare open his mouth, fearing whatever might come out. Instead he swallowed hard and let his arms slide around Justin's shoulders.
He felt his warmth seep into his body, rekindling the fatigue in his bones. He felt Justin's breath brush over his arm, smelled the soap on his skin, felt the rise and fall of his chest against his own. By the time he realized it, they were already breathing in sync.
They lay like that for while and Brian was about to drift off to sleep when Justin stirred beside him, running a hand up his arm.
"So how's this?" At the last word, Justin squeezed down gently on this biceps.
Part of Brian wanted to tell him what he always told him: "I'd rather fuck you." Another, slightly bigger part wanted to say: "It's actually not so bad." But the biggest part wanted to say nothing, wanted just to lay together and, if possible, sleep for a week. Which he would never admit either.
On their own accord, he felt his arms tighten around Justin and let that be his answer.