Which Way Was Starboard Again?
Title: Which Way Was Starboard Again?
Author:love_joongie (duh)
Pairing: Yunjae, maybe Yoosu
Genre: Action, Humour, Romance
Plot: by kpopbee *hearts*
Length: Chaptered
Rating: PG (for naoooo…)
Warning: May contain foul language… and excessive hotness (but that’s really not my fault). Heehees
Summary: Jaejoong joined the Navy (not the colour) to find his long lost love (not so much long lost as just lost but that’s not the point). Even though he hates his job, he does it diligently, until one day a roguishly sexy pirate kidnaps him, and decides for some ‘personal’ reason to help him out. Action, adventure… third thing that sounds really cool!
Disclaimer: I don’t own them… *cries*. And I scarcely own the plot. So like… stuff you know?
Chapter 5
This blows. You cannot fathom the indescribably horrible depths to which this whole damn thing blows. And I’m not talking about the hordes of dolphins that have mysteriously appeared around the smelly pirate ship, and have been splashing us with their blowholes for the past hour and a half, not that that doesn’t LITERALLY blow. I’m mostly talking about the stupid bullshit curse. I mean who thought this up? What idiot sat around with his buddies and said ‘You know what would be the coolest? If we make a curse that makes two people go flying back to each other every time they get more than FUCKING TEN FEET AWAY!’ Seriously. I’m going to find this asshole and beat the crap out of him until he is nothing but a big puddle of stupid grovelling at my feet. That’ll teach the bastard.
“It’s your fault.” Captain Asshead grumbled pulling at the chains his stupid crewmates had clamped on us after Yunho had gone through the ship all the way from his room in the gallows to the main deck, because he couldn’t survive without his stupid red bandana holding up his horrible haircut.
I glared at his stupid and shoved him off the barrel we were sharing with my hips. “How is this my fault, you raping ass fuck?” I blinked in wonder at my insanely rude insult. Wow, I must really hate this guy. Good, because for a minute there I was getting all ‘maybe this isn’t hatred and just sexual tension’. It’s good that the hatred thing is confirmed. I feel better now. So, I went back to glaring at his incredibly handsome face.
“If you hadn’t seduced me, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” He smirked at me from his spot on the floor.
“Yes, you’re right, because I obviously hypnotized you with my incurable good-looks to kidnap me off a Navy ship, where I was very content by the way.” I spat sarcastically. “And it was totally ME who agreed with the Sea God’s contract, and it was probably totally MY idea to dig a giant hole through the ship.” I nodded. “Of course, it makes PERFECT SENSE!”
“Good. We’re in agreement then.” I gave him my best crooked eyebrow ‘are you fucking with me?’ look. He smiled his too white smile so I kicked him. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do. The pirate rolled his eyes and pushed himself up to sit next to me again.
“Just so you know. I’m blaming everything bad that’s ever happened to me on you.” I informed him. His tattooed arm pressed against mine, and the dragon’s looked like they were following each other’s tails to eat each other. I pulled my arm back. That’s just way too mythical and freaky for me. Not that the past twelve hours have been examples of this world’s sanity or anything like that, but I have boundaries on how much my brain can accept in half a day.
“Well, since I’m already on your bad side, I guess there’s no point in me holding back.” He bit my earlobe, and tugged at it. Ugh. I pushed his face away, and he started nibbling on my fingers. Kind of hot… I MEANT GROSS! I totally meant gross. I don’t even know why I thought hot.
“Right… because your behaviour up until now has been the pinnacle of self-restraint.” I rolled my eyes. “Will you stop biting me you cannibal!”
“I would if you weren’t so turned on by it.” The pirate lunged at me, and I fell over the barrel in my efforts to escape his horny clutches, and almost ended up falling through the gaping hole in the middle of the deck.
“I AM NOT TURNED ON BY IT YOU FREAK!” I was honestly not. I swear… hey, I don’t need to prove anything to you people. I can be turned on by whatever the hell I want! And I’m not turned on by this. Just so you know. Not that it matters that you do. “Stop it!” I tugged my arm away, and fell off the barrel. And he pounced on me like a freaking tiger jumping a gazelle. I scampered off backwards, and he smacked into the deck. I didn’t even have time to laugh at him, because he pulled on the chain braced to my left wrist. I tried to balance myself, but ended up falling on my butt onto his groin. He wailed in pain. This is turning out to be a good day. “Hahahaha, take that you idiot.”
“Uggghhh…” He groaned like the undead, and I got up to pose victoriously over his lying carcass.
The Black Pride’s crew came out of the gallows and onto the main deck. How is it possible to have so many good looking people with perfect teeth gathered on the same ship? They all laughed heartily at their pained captain.
“In da futu’, that be called physical abuse. You’d be goin’ ta jail fo’ dat.” The adorable futuristic dentist smiled brightly at me. He was wearing a maid’s apron and was holding a mop. I kept staring at him in hopes that someone would appear to make this comprehensible for me. He sighed in defeat. “Never mind.” He hung his head in hopeless depression and sadness. People in the future are so emotional. “Stop lying around.” He pouted at the pirate captain and poked him with the wet end of the mop. I decided I liked the dentist/maid/gangster. “Shouldn’t you introduce the new guys to the crew? You’re really useless.” G-Dragon huffed.
“Shut up, you bitch!” Yunho squealed unhappily still rolling around on the ground with his hands tucked between his legs.
In a sudden gust of wind, and mysterious Asian music, a tall cryptic figure appeared behind G-Dragon. The bottom half of his face was covered with the collar of his leather jacket. He had awesome eyebrows. They were as cool as he of awesome eyebrows’s eyebrows. Wow, say that sentence three times fast. “Yunho, do not insult my man.” He impressively threw his arm over the dentist’s shoulders, exposing his handsome face. “Or you will answer to me.” He did this twitchy thing where he raised one of his eyebrows really quick, and it was so splendid, I had to do a manly squeal of awe.
“Oh my God do that again!” I applauded enthusiastically. That was so mind blowing. “Teach me to do that! I will be your disciple.”
“Hey, Pretty Boy!” G-Dragon flicked my forehead. I glared at him. “There will be no being anybody’s disciple! TOP’s mine!” He hugged the mysterious yet super cool man. “See? This is why you have to introduce the crew! So we don’t have people hitting on people they’re not supposed to be hitting on.” He glared at me.
I retract my saying that I like him. He’s a douche. “My name is Jaejoong, NOT PRETTY BOY!” I growled impressively at him.
“Oh, but Pretty Boy suits you so well.” G-Dragon’s boyfriend smiled at me whilst raising one of his eyebrows again. It was fairly hard not to swoon.
“Oh… well, thanks.” I blushed, and covered my pleased grin.
“Back off, Top. I’ve already claimed this one.” Captain Jerk-off of the Black Useless grumbled annoyingly. He jumped me from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist, then grabbed my ass. I used my manly high pitched voice, and squirmed away, but his grip got tighter. “Okay, everybody, this pretty little thing here is mine. No touching. He answers to Pretty Boy.”
“I’m not your damn pet. Let me go!” I struggled against his grip, as a loud chorus of ‘Hi Pretty Boy’ played from the deck. NOOOOOOOOO! Why is my life spiralling down this hopeless drain of horribleness? WHY GOD WHY? “My name is NOT Pretty Boy!”
“It’s more like a nickname really.” Yoochun commented from behind us, standing in his stupid Navy captain clothes, and being a total ass hat.
“Shut up, Yoochun.” I growled.
“Wait… So is Yoochun back forever now?” The guy standing at the really pretty (and angry) guys right groaned. “Or are we going to have more of Yunho’s freaking crying for another year or so? Because I vote for mutiny. I am older than Yunho and much more suitable to be-”
“Shut the fuck up, Leeteuk. I only came here to help Jaejoong and… Wait, you cried?” Yoochun interrupted himself to stare blankly at the pirate captain. Is anyone going to explain how those two know each other or will this be filled with insinuations that they might have been together without actually confirming that they were together? Because that’s just mean! We all want to be in on the joke!
“No, you know how much of an ass Leeteuk is.” Yunho huffed. “I never really liked you to be honest.”
“That’s not what you said a couple years ago when your dick was-”
“EWW!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!” We all covered our ears and started screaming at them. Oh no, it’s too late! The horrible mental image has been forever ingrained into my mind! I will never look at Yoochun the same way ever again. I will always see him bent over and being repeatedly porked by the freaking pirate. EWWWWW!!!!
“I think I might be sick.” Changmin gagged.
“I think it’s kind of hot.” Melody sighed from atop her barrel. Twenty heads spun quickly around to stare at her in total and complete freak out horror. “I can see it now. The shorter dark-haired man pressed up against the mast, his lips bruised and red from all the kissing and lip nibbling. The captain posed roguishly above him, sweat glistening against his bare chest as he holds his great sword against…” She blushed and looked away. “Oops, I guess I got a little bit carried away.” She giggled breathlessly.
“Please… go on…” Another very adorable guy with black hair failing to cover his huge forehead moaned. Melody giggled hopelessly. “I’m serious.”
“Since when are women aloud on our ship?” The pretty man rolled his eyes in dissatisfaction, and made sure to send me an angry glare. Geez, did I rape this guy in my past life? Nah, he’d probably like that. I probably accidentally spilled whine on his favourite shirt or something. Damn you clumsy past life me! “Not that I have anything against hot smutty tales.” He added.
“You liked it?” The ex-mermaid smiled brightly. “Well that is nothing compared to my Captain and Pretty Boy fantasy. It is SO much hotter… You want to hear?”
“Aren’t women on ships supposed to be a bad luck?” G-Dragon pursed his lips and looked up at the mysterious cool eyebrow guy in adorable eyelash batting. “Isn’t that the rule, Toppy Bear?”
“Of course it is, Snookie Wookums.” And they did this weird thing where they rubbed their noses together and it was so freaking cute, I had to look away or I might have melted. “Girls have always been bad luck on boats. See? You got one of your odd historical pirate stereotypes right.”
“I did, didn’t I?” He giggled. He was so much cooler when he was talking like a retard. Now he’s just a useless adorable body of mushiness. I huffed unhappily.
“Alright, all of you shut the fuck up.” Yunho said in his sexy authoritarian voice. “The-”
“AAAH!” I screamed out loud. Oh my God, I just thought of his voice as sexy! I’m going to jump overboard and swim to shore and live the rest of my life on big rock with a bunch of manatees. Manatees are so cute.
“What?” He asked me with a freaked out voice.
“Nothing… I’m going to kill myself in a couple minutes, so make this quick please.” I informed him. He bit my cheek, and licked it. “KNOCK IT OFF!”
“Nope. So as I was saying, the four other losers are basically free meat, so pounce on whatever you like.” The pirate jerk informed his stupid crew. Well, that really isn’t fair to the crew. I mean I don’t really know them so I shouldn’t judge them so quickly. They could be nice people. “And this is my crew. The maid’s G-Dragon, his gross and much less handsome than I boyfriend is Top.” I coughed a ‘not’, but he bit my shoulder. Pirates are assholes. “The lovely lady is Heechul. The Jerk-faced douche is Leeteuk. Cutie pie is Donghae, and his love-monkey Eunhyuk next to him.”
“You can call me Hyukjae!” The love-monkey called. “It’s my real name!”
“Nobody does.” Yunho clarified. “Moving on. You got the bulkies, KangIn and ShinDong. Siwon’s the idiot on the steering wheel. Ryeowook’s up in the crow’s nest with Kyuhyun. And that’s Yesung, Kibum and Hangeng… in that order.”
“I’m not remembering any of those.” I informed the pirate captain of the black ship which was getting very hot under the sun, by the way. Idiot who thought of this was stupid. Hihihi. “That’s um… Changmin, and Yoochun. And the mer-creatures turned human… are mer-creatures turned human.”
“I’m Junsu!” The still naked ex-merman waved at them. “Me and Yoochun are going to get married.”
Yoochun looked sick, and Changmin laughed at him. “Dibs on the tall kid.” Someone in the crowd of pirates called out, and Min shut the hell up.
“Listen… you’re adorable and everything, but I really don’t know you and…” Yoochun struggled with the right thing to say. “Um… well… you were half fish less than twelve hours ago and that just plain turns me off. I don’t think I will ever get over it.” He totally will. I mean look at Junsu! He’s so freaking huggable.
“And I’m Melody! Later I shall grace you all with my beautiful voice, and invite you down to join me in my cave.” The mermaid smiled brightly. At least her teeth were no longer those sharp pointy creepy things. They were really gross.
“Melodyyyyyy! We’re not merpeople anymore! We don’t do that!” Junsu whined annoyingly.
“Arr, ye scallywags! Why dun none of ye get the mer-creatur’ some clothes, eh?” G-Dragon growled incomprehensibly. “Oh I’m sorry, the ending was more Canadian than pirate.”
“CANADIANS DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!” Some blonde chick and her dark haired friend jumped against the grates of the tiny prison thing in the boat and snarled. Creepy.
“Don’t worry about them, they’ll die in a few hours from heat exhaustion and starvation. I don’t even know why they were even mentioned.” Yunho rolled his eyes. “Probably to make some kind of point.”
“What the hell’s a Canadian?” Yoochun asked G-Dragon.
“Oh, so NOW you’re talking to me?” the dentist huffed and went down into gallows.
I stared at the prison hole in the ground. “Are there more prisoners down there?” I asked the pirate.
“Not any who are men.” He smirked at me. I met his eyes. They look so much lighter in the sun. Especially since his eyelashes are so black. I hate to admit it, but he’s… sort of good looking. Okay, he’s hot, but I don’t care. Nope, not at all. I’m not feeling warm anywhere, especially not in my chest. “Don’t you just want to give up on your ex-lover and just come with me?”
“Get off me.”
“CAPTAIN!” The guys from the crow’s nest called down. What were their names again? Kyu… and Ryeowook? Ryeowook is definitely right. What was the other guy’s name? “SHIP AHEAD. PIRATE COLOURS!”
“Oh, this should be interesting. We get to start your search early Pretty Boy.” The pirate smirked and I almost punched him in the face. “G-DRAGON, HEECHUL, DONG HAE, YESUNG! Man the cannons! Everybody else grab your weapons.” I tried to walk sneakily away, but he tugged me back with the damn chains. “No freaking way, Pretty Boy.” He shoved a sword in my hands. “You’re the secret weapon of the Korean Navy aren’t you? You’re coming with me. EUNHYUK, WATCH THE IDIOTS TIED TO THE MAST MAKE SURE THEY DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”
“And what, pray tell, are we going to do with the GIANT GAPING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SHIP?!?” Heechul screeched at Yunho as he ran by him. Wow, he’s actually physically exerting himself. I’m amazed. I thought they were going to carry him out on a rich bed of pillows sewn from the softest silk. Guess I was wrong. I feel humbled.
“We’ll have to work around it. LEETEUK GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ON THE ROPES!” He hollered very close to my ear. NO! I AM DEAF! And the last thing I heard was the pirate’s incredibly sexy baritone voice. I mean his ANNOYING- Oh who the fuck am I kidding. He’s hot! ALL OF HIM IS HOT! Now that we’ve established and accepted that we can move on and KILL SOME FUCKING PIRATES!!!!
… Also I’m not deaf, I was just being dramatic, because my brain happens to just work like that.
“Aren’t you worried that I might kill you with this sword that you have un questioningly handed me?” I snickered superiorly at the pirate.
“If you kill me, you die too. So go ahead, Pretty Boy.”
“I hate you, Pirate.” I grumbled at him.
“You’ll change your mind soon enough. Now let’s go kick some ass!” He grabbed the chains and ran off the boat with me in tow. The other ship barely had time to slide parallel next to the Black Pride, that we had grabbed the ropes and swung over, landing like cats on the deck. “Don’t die.” He advised me.
“Hah!” I scoffed, and was about to come up with a witty comeback when a stinky breathed ugly freaked hacked at me with his sabre. WELL! It took me exactly two minutes and my sword ran through his body to the hilt. The hideous man stared at me like I was some kind of god which I was if I’m being honest, and his eyes died. I yanked my sword out and went up against the other guy, my King’s gift sword painted a liquid red that dripped down my arm. Ew, gross ugly pirate blood. Not that hot Navy man blood is much better. Blood is just gross in general.
I ended up back to back with Yunho. His crew was taking the enemy ship down. “I go left, you go right?”
“Go right. You leave too many openings when you attack with your left.” I informed him and slid left before he could argue and face the enemy. I smashed the hilt of my sword in the his face, so fast he didn’t even have time to blink, much less raise his weapon. His face bled from the broken nose and jaw.
“You fucking-” He was dead before he even finished his sentenced. With a gust of wind and mysterious music, Top appeared with a katana, having slashed the guy in half. He nodded at me in acknowledgement and disappeared. Woah…
“You’re better than I thought you would be, Pretty Boy.” Siwon appeared and smiled stupidly at me, before I stabbed the guy approaching behind him in the throat. “Woah…”
“Pay attention you idiot!” I hollered at him, and he nodded and scampered off. He’ll probably be one of our casualties. I’ll miss him. Sigh.
“DON’T FUCKING GET DISTRACTED NOW, PRETTY BOY!” Yunho slashed at some guy that I could have totally taken care of on my own, but he had to be all macho for no reason. I turned around and started fighting of three of the enemy pirates like mad crazily. If there was a way to somehow paint this moment into several paintings to make it like a very big wall of paintings that tell the tale of how amazing I was, I would totally get this moment painted, and put up in the place where the pope lives, because he’s really the only one who buys art in this time of ignorance. I slashed my sword across one of the men’s throat, and threw myself back to avoid a sweeping attack.
I crossed swords with the smelly man. He sucked, but had a lot of heart. I let him think he was going to beat me before I stuck my sword in his thigh, and dragged it out slowly. Oh no, I’m turning into a freaking sadist. Being in a pirate ship has made me evil! I was about to freak out and stop ruthlessly murdering people when this son of a bitch slashed a nasty red cut into my arm. So I cut his throat and moved on. “Do we get to do this all year round?” I asked the pirate who had once again been slammed against my back.
“Having fun, are you?” Yunho smirked. His skin was decorated with hideous cuts and future bruises, but he still looked pretty freaking hot. I hate him! How dare he look hot during a fight? I mean, nobody looks good with glistening sweat dripping down their bodies, their messy hair sticking to their forehead, their eyes glistening with excitement and anticipation, their-
A sword was flung right by my ear. The pirate might have a point with the distracted thing. I killed the guy who tried to pierce my precious ears. Yunho pulled at the chains that linked us and dragged me after him. “Where?” I sighed, bored.
“Tsk, so easily distracted, you’re almost useless. Don’t you want to look for your boyfriend?” Then he paused, right in front of the black grates that held the prisoners. “Unless…”
“No. Shut up.” I slammed my sword down on the lock, and pulled the grate open. “Why are you helping me anyway?”
“I get bored easily.” He knocked me into the prison with his hips and I landed in a pile of bones. A skull was staring straight at me. I’m going to freak out now.
“AAAAAAAAAAAH! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT, YOU RAPING-”
“Ass fuck?” He smirked, landing next to me and crushing the creepy skull under his boots. “You used that one already. I like creativity in the insults my lovers use.”
“A. I’m not your lover, and B. I was going to say ‘monkey fart’. Suck on that!” I huffed victoriously. “Don’t underestimate me.” I glared at the rib bones at my feet. Did I just defend myself, because I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t lover material? Naw, I already established that I hated him a lot of paragraphs ago.
“I don’t think there’s anybody here.” He grabbed me by the waist and threw me out of the jail. “Hoist me up, Pretty Boy.”
“No fucking way, Pirate.” I spat down at him. I decided to ignore the fact that I was chained to him, and going more than ten feet away would probably send me flying back down there. It didn’t work very well with him tugging at the chains like there’s no tomorrow. I hoisted him up, but I didn’t do it because I wanted to. So HAH!
He bit me in the neck like an annoying mosquito. I flicked him away.
“WE SURRENDER, DAMMIT!” One of the ugly enemy pirates cried. “STOP STABBING US ALREADY!”
The enemy ship was half way about to sink anyway, and by the looks of it they didn’t have much booty for us to loot. “Where’s the captain?” Yunho asked the guy I had stabbed in the thigh. He pointed at a guy on his knees in front of Siwon. Hey I guess he lived! Yunho sauntered over to the man, and made a nodding gesture at Siwon who pulled the guy’s head up and slammed his sword at his neck. “Hi. I’m Yunho.”
“I know you.” The very good looking enemy captain spat at Yunho’s boots. “You fucking shit.”
Yunho sighed, and wiped his boot of on the guys face. Oh my God, his evil is kind of turning me on. “Jaejoong, come here.” Holy fuck, did he just call me by my name? I was so dumbstruck I just stood there staring at him, until he turned and smiled at me. “Jaejoong?”
“Right…” I mumbled, shuffling closer to him, still confused and lost. I had totally almost forgotten that was my name. “What?”
“Now, this lovely thing is going to describe someone to you. You’re going to tell me if you’ve seen him.” Yunho smirked evilly.
The enemy captain looked up, and grinned brightly at me. “Hey there, pretty baby. I’m Captain Lee Min Ho… what’s your name?” He winked. He’s kind of really hot. Damn, it is so hard to stay faithful with all these sexy men around!
Yunho glared at him. “Yeah, I’m not telling you that.” I rolled my eyes. “Have you seen a guy, about as tall as me, with wide eyes, bangs and really pretty lips?”
The pirate blinked at me in confusion. “Um… you?” He looked around. “Am I the only one thinking he just described himself?”
There was a mumbling chorus of agreement from the surviving pirates. “Fine, I’ll rephrase that. Have you met a guy that looks like me, but his skin is a little darker.”
“No.” Lee Min Ho smirked. “I’ve only had my eyes on you.”
“Throw him overboard.” Yunho said in a very bored tone. Siwon grabbed him and effortlessly threw his body over the ledge of the boat. “Alright you assholes, let’s get all the shit from this boat, and get the fuck out of here. Siwon, start the ship back towards the island. And before you ask we’re going South, and that’s the S on your compass.”
“Thank you!” Siwon called before crossing over the plank that connected the ships.
Anyway, the people started piling the crap onto the ship. It was mostly just water barrels, and some food. Lee Min Ho must’ve been a sucky pirate captain. “So.” Yunho pulled on the chains, making me stumble to him. He then wrapped me up in them. “Wasn’t I very helpful today?”
“Yeah so?” I grumbled trying to squirm away.
“I think gratefulness is in order.” He pouted like a five year old child. I would’ve punched him if I could’ve.
“Th…than….thank….thank…y..y..you.” I choked out. Ugh, this is unbearable. I’m so jumping into Davy Jones’s locker tonight. Wow, it’s already getting dark out? Weiiird.
“I don’t need your words.” He smirked again. What is it with this loser and smirking? “I want some of your sweet lovin’”
“Go to hell.” I hopped away from him, without getting very far. “Ugh… What do you want?” I sighed.
“Just this.” He pulled me up to him and sucked on my neck really hard. I did NOT moan… voluntarily. “There. We can go now.” He picked me up like a briefcase, and walked calmly up the plank into the Black Pride. Great, Now I have a freaking hickey. Maybe I’ll get eaten by sharks before I drown. Wouldn’t that be fun? I mean, if I get to heaven and St-Peter’s all ‘how did you die?’, I’d get to say ‘Eaten by a shark!’ and all of heaven will know what an adventurous action loving person I was. It will be great.
______________________
**Hey, ppl! Did you miss me? I apologize for taking forever… But it is exam and essay time, and ergo, henceforth and thusly I was delayed by education. Sucks right? Oh well… I hope u enjoyed this, I’ll try to write faster next time, but it will depend. And since I don’t want to go to bed yet, I shall annoy you with my new discovery of Twitter! Yes, very late of me.. im not even following any important people cuz I’m too scared to be a celeb stalker so … oh well… nighty niiite!**
Author:love_joongie (duh)
Pairing: Yunjae, maybe Yoosu
Genre: Action, Humour, Romance
Plot: by kpopbee *hearts*
Length: Chaptered
Rating: PG (for naoooo…)
Warning: May contain foul language… and excessive hotness (but that’s really not my fault). Heehees
Summary: Jaejoong joined the Navy (not the colour) to find his long lost love (not so much long lost as just lost but that’s not the point). Even though he hates his job, he does it diligently, until one day a roguishly sexy pirate kidnaps him, and decides for some ‘personal’ reason to help him out. Action, adventure… third thing that sounds really cool!
Disclaimer: I don’t own them… *cries*. And I scarcely own the plot. So like… stuff you know?
Chapter 5
This blows. You cannot fathom the indescribably horrible depths to which this whole damn thing blows. And I’m not talking about the hordes of dolphins that have mysteriously appeared around the smelly pirate ship, and have been splashing us with their blowholes for the past hour and a half, not that that doesn’t LITERALLY blow. I’m mostly talking about the stupid bullshit curse. I mean who thought this up? What idiot sat around with his buddies and said ‘You know what would be the coolest? If we make a curse that makes two people go flying back to each other every time they get more than FUCKING TEN FEET AWAY!’ Seriously. I’m going to find this asshole and beat the crap out of him until he is nothing but a big puddle of stupid grovelling at my feet. That’ll teach the bastard.
“It’s your fault.” Captain Asshead grumbled pulling at the chains his stupid crewmates had clamped on us after Yunho had gone through the ship all the way from his room in the gallows to the main deck, because he couldn’t survive without his stupid red bandana holding up his horrible haircut.
I glared at his stupid and shoved him off the barrel we were sharing with my hips. “How is this my fault, you raping ass fuck?” I blinked in wonder at my insanely rude insult. Wow, I must really hate this guy. Good, because for a minute there I was getting all ‘maybe this isn’t hatred and just sexual tension’. It’s good that the hatred thing is confirmed. I feel better now. So, I went back to glaring at his incredibly handsome face.
“If you hadn’t seduced me, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” He smirked at me from his spot on the floor.
“Yes, you’re right, because I obviously hypnotized you with my incurable good-looks to kidnap me off a Navy ship, where I was very content by the way.” I spat sarcastically. “And it was totally ME who agreed with the Sea God’s contract, and it was probably totally MY idea to dig a giant hole through the ship.” I nodded. “Of course, it makes PERFECT SENSE!”
“Good. We’re in agreement then.” I gave him my best crooked eyebrow ‘are you fucking with me?’ look. He smiled his too white smile so I kicked him. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do. The pirate rolled his eyes and pushed himself up to sit next to me again.
“Just so you know. I’m blaming everything bad that’s ever happened to me on you.” I informed him. His tattooed arm pressed against mine, and the dragon’s looked like they were following each other’s tails to eat each other. I pulled my arm back. That’s just way too mythical and freaky for me. Not that the past twelve hours have been examples of this world’s sanity or anything like that, but I have boundaries on how much my brain can accept in half a day.
“Well, since I’m already on your bad side, I guess there’s no point in me holding back.” He bit my earlobe, and tugged at it. Ugh. I pushed his face away, and he started nibbling on my fingers. Kind of hot… I MEANT GROSS! I totally meant gross. I don’t even know why I thought hot.
“Right… because your behaviour up until now has been the pinnacle of self-restraint.” I rolled my eyes. “Will you stop biting me you cannibal!”
“I would if you weren’t so turned on by it.” The pirate lunged at me, and I fell over the barrel in my efforts to escape his horny clutches, and almost ended up falling through the gaping hole in the middle of the deck.
“I AM NOT TURNED ON BY IT YOU FREAK!” I was honestly not. I swear… hey, I don’t need to prove anything to you people. I can be turned on by whatever the hell I want! And I’m not turned on by this. Just so you know. Not that it matters that you do. “Stop it!” I tugged my arm away, and fell off the barrel. And he pounced on me like a freaking tiger jumping a gazelle. I scampered off backwards, and he smacked into the deck. I didn’t even have time to laugh at him, because he pulled on the chain braced to my left wrist. I tried to balance myself, but ended up falling on my butt onto his groin. He wailed in pain. This is turning out to be a good day. “Hahahaha, take that you idiot.”
“Uggghhh…” He groaned like the undead, and I got up to pose victoriously over his lying carcass.
The Black Pride’s crew came out of the gallows and onto the main deck. How is it possible to have so many good looking people with perfect teeth gathered on the same ship? They all laughed heartily at their pained captain.
“In da futu’, that be called physical abuse. You’d be goin’ ta jail fo’ dat.” The adorable futuristic dentist smiled brightly at me. He was wearing a maid’s apron and was holding a mop. I kept staring at him in hopes that someone would appear to make this comprehensible for me. He sighed in defeat. “Never mind.” He hung his head in hopeless depression and sadness. People in the future are so emotional. “Stop lying around.” He pouted at the pirate captain and poked him with the wet end of the mop. I decided I liked the dentist/maid/gangster. “Shouldn’t you introduce the new guys to the crew? You’re really useless.” G-Dragon huffed.
“Shut up, you bitch!” Yunho squealed unhappily still rolling around on the ground with his hands tucked between his legs.
In a sudden gust of wind, and mysterious Asian music, a tall cryptic figure appeared behind G-Dragon. The bottom half of his face was covered with the collar of his leather jacket. He had awesome eyebrows. They were as cool as he of awesome eyebrows’s eyebrows. Wow, say that sentence three times fast. “Yunho, do not insult my man.” He impressively threw his arm over the dentist’s shoulders, exposing his handsome face. “Or you will answer to me.” He did this twitchy thing where he raised one of his eyebrows really quick, and it was so splendid, I had to do a manly squeal of awe.
“Oh my God do that again!” I applauded enthusiastically. That was so mind blowing. “Teach me to do that! I will be your disciple.”
“Hey, Pretty Boy!” G-Dragon flicked my forehead. I glared at him. “There will be no being anybody’s disciple! TOP’s mine!” He hugged the mysterious yet super cool man. “See? This is why you have to introduce the crew! So we don’t have people hitting on people they’re not supposed to be hitting on.” He glared at me.
I retract my saying that I like him. He’s a douche. “My name is Jaejoong, NOT PRETTY BOY!” I growled impressively at him.
“Oh, but Pretty Boy suits you so well.” G-Dragon’s boyfriend smiled at me whilst raising one of his eyebrows again. It was fairly hard not to swoon.
“Oh… well, thanks.” I blushed, and covered my pleased grin.
“Back off, Top. I’ve already claimed this one.” Captain Jerk-off of the Black Useless grumbled annoyingly. He jumped me from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist, then grabbed my ass. I used my manly high pitched voice, and squirmed away, but his grip got tighter. “Okay, everybody, this pretty little thing here is mine. No touching. He answers to Pretty Boy.”
“I’m not your damn pet. Let me go!” I struggled against his grip, as a loud chorus of ‘Hi Pretty Boy’ played from the deck. NOOOOOOOOO! Why is my life spiralling down this hopeless drain of horribleness? WHY GOD WHY? “My name is NOT Pretty Boy!”
“It’s more like a nickname really.” Yoochun commented from behind us, standing in his stupid Navy captain clothes, and being a total ass hat.
“Shut up, Yoochun.” I growled.
“Wait… So is Yoochun back forever now?” The guy standing at the really pretty (and angry) guys right groaned. “Or are we going to have more of Yunho’s freaking crying for another year or so? Because I vote for mutiny. I am older than Yunho and much more suitable to be-”
“Shut the fuck up, Leeteuk. I only came here to help Jaejoong and… Wait, you cried?” Yoochun interrupted himself to stare blankly at the pirate captain. Is anyone going to explain how those two know each other or will this be filled with insinuations that they might have been together without actually confirming that they were together? Because that’s just mean! We all want to be in on the joke!
“No, you know how much of an ass Leeteuk is.” Yunho huffed. “I never really liked you to be honest.”
“That’s not what you said a couple years ago when your dick was-”
“EWW!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!” We all covered our ears and started screaming at them. Oh no, it’s too late! The horrible mental image has been forever ingrained into my mind! I will never look at Yoochun the same way ever again. I will always see him bent over and being repeatedly porked by the freaking pirate. EWWWWW!!!!
“I think I might be sick.” Changmin gagged.
“I think it’s kind of hot.” Melody sighed from atop her barrel. Twenty heads spun quickly around to stare at her in total and complete freak out horror. “I can see it now. The shorter dark-haired man pressed up against the mast, his lips bruised and red from all the kissing and lip nibbling. The captain posed roguishly above him, sweat glistening against his bare chest as he holds his great sword against…” She blushed and looked away. “Oops, I guess I got a little bit carried away.” She giggled breathlessly.
“Please… go on…” Another very adorable guy with black hair failing to cover his huge forehead moaned. Melody giggled hopelessly. “I’m serious.”
“Since when are women aloud on our ship?” The pretty man rolled his eyes in dissatisfaction, and made sure to send me an angry glare. Geez, did I rape this guy in my past life? Nah, he’d probably like that. I probably accidentally spilled whine on his favourite shirt or something. Damn you clumsy past life me! “Not that I have anything against hot smutty tales.” He added.
“You liked it?” The ex-mermaid smiled brightly. “Well that is nothing compared to my Captain and Pretty Boy fantasy. It is SO much hotter… You want to hear?”
“Aren’t women on ships supposed to be a bad luck?” G-Dragon pursed his lips and looked up at the mysterious cool eyebrow guy in adorable eyelash batting. “Isn’t that the rule, Toppy Bear?”
“Of course it is, Snookie Wookums.” And they did this weird thing where they rubbed their noses together and it was so freaking cute, I had to look away or I might have melted. “Girls have always been bad luck on boats. See? You got one of your odd historical pirate stereotypes right.”
“I did, didn’t I?” He giggled. He was so much cooler when he was talking like a retard. Now he’s just a useless adorable body of mushiness. I huffed unhappily.
“Alright, all of you shut the fuck up.” Yunho said in his sexy authoritarian voice. “The-”
“AAAH!” I screamed out loud. Oh my God, I just thought of his voice as sexy! I’m going to jump overboard and swim to shore and live the rest of my life on big rock with a bunch of manatees. Manatees are so cute.
“What?” He asked me with a freaked out voice.
“Nothing… I’m going to kill myself in a couple minutes, so make this quick please.” I informed him. He bit my cheek, and licked it. “KNOCK IT OFF!”
“Nope. So as I was saying, the four other losers are basically free meat, so pounce on whatever you like.” The pirate jerk informed his stupid crew. Well, that really isn’t fair to the crew. I mean I don’t really know them so I shouldn’t judge them so quickly. They could be nice people. “And this is my crew. The maid’s G-Dragon, his gross and much less handsome than I boyfriend is Top.” I coughed a ‘not’, but he bit my shoulder. Pirates are assholes. “The lovely lady is Heechul. The Jerk-faced douche is Leeteuk. Cutie pie is Donghae, and his love-monkey Eunhyuk next to him.”
“You can call me Hyukjae!” The love-monkey called. “It’s my real name!”
“Nobody does.” Yunho clarified. “Moving on. You got the bulkies, KangIn and ShinDong. Siwon’s the idiot on the steering wheel. Ryeowook’s up in the crow’s nest with Kyuhyun. And that’s Yesung, Kibum and Hangeng… in that order.”
“I’m not remembering any of those.” I informed the pirate captain of the black ship which was getting very hot under the sun, by the way. Idiot who thought of this was stupid. Hihihi. “That’s um… Changmin, and Yoochun. And the mer-creatures turned human… are mer-creatures turned human.”
“I’m Junsu!” The still naked ex-merman waved at them. “Me and Yoochun are going to get married.”
Yoochun looked sick, and Changmin laughed at him. “Dibs on the tall kid.” Someone in the crowd of pirates called out, and Min shut the hell up.
“Listen… you’re adorable and everything, but I really don’t know you and…” Yoochun struggled with the right thing to say. “Um… well… you were half fish less than twelve hours ago and that just plain turns me off. I don’t think I will ever get over it.” He totally will. I mean look at Junsu! He’s so freaking huggable.
“And I’m Melody! Later I shall grace you all with my beautiful voice, and invite you down to join me in my cave.” The mermaid smiled brightly. At least her teeth were no longer those sharp pointy creepy things. They were really gross.
“Melodyyyyyy! We’re not merpeople anymore! We don’t do that!” Junsu whined annoyingly.
“Arr, ye scallywags! Why dun none of ye get the mer-creatur’ some clothes, eh?” G-Dragon growled incomprehensibly. “Oh I’m sorry, the ending was more Canadian than pirate.”
“CANADIANS DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!” Some blonde chick and her dark haired friend jumped against the grates of the tiny prison thing in the boat and snarled. Creepy.
“Don’t worry about them, they’ll die in a few hours from heat exhaustion and starvation. I don’t even know why they were even mentioned.” Yunho rolled his eyes. “Probably to make some kind of point.”
“What the hell’s a Canadian?” Yoochun asked G-Dragon.
“Oh, so NOW you’re talking to me?” the dentist huffed and went down into gallows.
I stared at the prison hole in the ground. “Are there more prisoners down there?” I asked the pirate.
“Not any who are men.” He smirked at me. I met his eyes. They look so much lighter in the sun. Especially since his eyelashes are so black. I hate to admit it, but he’s… sort of good looking. Okay, he’s hot, but I don’t care. Nope, not at all. I’m not feeling warm anywhere, especially not in my chest. “Don’t you just want to give up on your ex-lover and just come with me?”
“Get off me.”
“CAPTAIN!” The guys from the crow’s nest called down. What were their names again? Kyu… and Ryeowook? Ryeowook is definitely right. What was the other guy’s name? “SHIP AHEAD. PIRATE COLOURS!”
“Oh, this should be interesting. We get to start your search early Pretty Boy.” The pirate smirked and I almost punched him in the face. “G-DRAGON, HEECHUL, DONG HAE, YESUNG! Man the cannons! Everybody else grab your weapons.” I tried to walk sneakily away, but he tugged me back with the damn chains. “No freaking way, Pretty Boy.” He shoved a sword in my hands. “You’re the secret weapon of the Korean Navy aren’t you? You’re coming with me. EUNHYUK, WATCH THE IDIOTS TIED TO THE MAST MAKE SURE THEY DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”
“And what, pray tell, are we going to do with the GIANT GAPING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SHIP?!?” Heechul screeched at Yunho as he ran by him. Wow, he’s actually physically exerting himself. I’m amazed. I thought they were going to carry him out on a rich bed of pillows sewn from the softest silk. Guess I was wrong. I feel humbled.
“We’ll have to work around it. LEETEUK GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ON THE ROPES!” He hollered very close to my ear. NO! I AM DEAF! And the last thing I heard was the pirate’s incredibly sexy baritone voice. I mean his ANNOYING- Oh who the fuck am I kidding. He’s hot! ALL OF HIM IS HOT! Now that we’ve established and accepted that we can move on and KILL SOME FUCKING PIRATES!!!!
… Also I’m not deaf, I was just being dramatic, because my brain happens to just work like that.
“Aren’t you worried that I might kill you with this sword that you have un questioningly handed me?” I snickered superiorly at the pirate.
“If you kill me, you die too. So go ahead, Pretty Boy.”
“I hate you, Pirate.” I grumbled at him.
“You’ll change your mind soon enough. Now let’s go kick some ass!” He grabbed the chains and ran off the boat with me in tow. The other ship barely had time to slide parallel next to the Black Pride, that we had grabbed the ropes and swung over, landing like cats on the deck. “Don’t die.” He advised me.
“Hah!” I scoffed, and was about to come up with a witty comeback when a stinky breathed ugly freaked hacked at me with his sabre. WELL! It took me exactly two minutes and my sword ran through his body to the hilt. The hideous man stared at me like I was some kind of god which I was if I’m being honest, and his eyes died. I yanked my sword out and went up against the other guy, my King’s gift sword painted a liquid red that dripped down my arm. Ew, gross ugly pirate blood. Not that hot Navy man blood is much better. Blood is just gross in general.
I ended up back to back with Yunho. His crew was taking the enemy ship down. “I go left, you go right?”
“Go right. You leave too many openings when you attack with your left.” I informed him and slid left before he could argue and face the enemy. I smashed the hilt of my sword in the his face, so fast he didn’t even have time to blink, much less raise his weapon. His face bled from the broken nose and jaw.
“You fucking-” He was dead before he even finished his sentenced. With a gust of wind and mysterious music, Top appeared with a katana, having slashed the guy in half. He nodded at me in acknowledgement and disappeared. Woah…
“You’re better than I thought you would be, Pretty Boy.” Siwon appeared and smiled stupidly at me, before I stabbed the guy approaching behind him in the throat. “Woah…”
“Pay attention you idiot!” I hollered at him, and he nodded and scampered off. He’ll probably be one of our casualties. I’ll miss him. Sigh.
“DON’T FUCKING GET DISTRACTED NOW, PRETTY BOY!” Yunho slashed at some guy that I could have totally taken care of on my own, but he had to be all macho for no reason. I turned around and started fighting of three of the enemy pirates like mad crazily. If there was a way to somehow paint this moment into several paintings to make it like a very big wall of paintings that tell the tale of how amazing I was, I would totally get this moment painted, and put up in the place where the pope lives, because he’s really the only one who buys art in this time of ignorance. I slashed my sword across one of the men’s throat, and threw myself back to avoid a sweeping attack.
I crossed swords with the smelly man. He sucked, but had a lot of heart. I let him think he was going to beat me before I stuck my sword in his thigh, and dragged it out slowly. Oh no, I’m turning into a freaking sadist. Being in a pirate ship has made me evil! I was about to freak out and stop ruthlessly murdering people when this son of a bitch slashed a nasty red cut into my arm. So I cut his throat and moved on. “Do we get to do this all year round?” I asked the pirate who had once again been slammed against my back.
“Having fun, are you?” Yunho smirked. His skin was decorated with hideous cuts and future bruises, but he still looked pretty freaking hot. I hate him! How dare he look hot during a fight? I mean, nobody looks good with glistening sweat dripping down their bodies, their messy hair sticking to their forehead, their eyes glistening with excitement and anticipation, their-
A sword was flung right by my ear. The pirate might have a point with the distracted thing. I killed the guy who tried to pierce my precious ears. Yunho pulled at the chains that linked us and dragged me after him. “Where?” I sighed, bored.
“Tsk, so easily distracted, you’re almost useless. Don’t you want to look for your boyfriend?” Then he paused, right in front of the black grates that held the prisoners. “Unless…”
“No. Shut up.” I slammed my sword down on the lock, and pulled the grate open. “Why are you helping me anyway?”
“I get bored easily.” He knocked me into the prison with his hips and I landed in a pile of bones. A skull was staring straight at me. I’m going to freak out now.
“AAAAAAAAAAAH! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT, YOU RAPING-”
“Ass fuck?” He smirked, landing next to me and crushing the creepy skull under his boots. “You used that one already. I like creativity in the insults my lovers use.”
“A. I’m not your lover, and B. I was going to say ‘monkey fart’. Suck on that!” I huffed victoriously. “Don’t underestimate me.” I glared at the rib bones at my feet. Did I just defend myself, because I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t lover material? Naw, I already established that I hated him a lot of paragraphs ago.
“I don’t think there’s anybody here.” He grabbed me by the waist and threw me out of the jail. “Hoist me up, Pretty Boy.”
“No fucking way, Pirate.” I spat down at him. I decided to ignore the fact that I was chained to him, and going more than ten feet away would probably send me flying back down there. It didn’t work very well with him tugging at the chains like there’s no tomorrow. I hoisted him up, but I didn’t do it because I wanted to. So HAH!
He bit me in the neck like an annoying mosquito. I flicked him away.
“WE SURRENDER, DAMMIT!” One of the ugly enemy pirates cried. “STOP STABBING US ALREADY!”
The enemy ship was half way about to sink anyway, and by the looks of it they didn’t have much booty for us to loot. “Where’s the captain?” Yunho asked the guy I had stabbed in the thigh. He pointed at a guy on his knees in front of Siwon. Hey I guess he lived! Yunho sauntered over to the man, and made a nodding gesture at Siwon who pulled the guy’s head up and slammed his sword at his neck. “Hi. I’m Yunho.”
“I know you.” The very good looking enemy captain spat at Yunho’s boots. “You fucking shit.”
Yunho sighed, and wiped his boot of on the guys face. Oh my God, his evil is kind of turning me on. “Jaejoong, come here.” Holy fuck, did he just call me by my name? I was so dumbstruck I just stood there staring at him, until he turned and smiled at me. “Jaejoong?”
“Right…” I mumbled, shuffling closer to him, still confused and lost. I had totally almost forgotten that was my name. “What?”
“Now, this lovely thing is going to describe someone to you. You’re going to tell me if you’ve seen him.” Yunho smirked evilly.
The enemy captain looked up, and grinned brightly at me. “Hey there, pretty baby. I’m Captain Lee Min Ho… what’s your name?” He winked. He’s kind of really hot. Damn, it is so hard to stay faithful with all these sexy men around!
Yunho glared at him. “Yeah, I’m not telling you that.” I rolled my eyes. “Have you seen a guy, about as tall as me, with wide eyes, bangs and really pretty lips?”
The pirate blinked at me in confusion. “Um… you?” He looked around. “Am I the only one thinking he just described himself?”
There was a mumbling chorus of agreement from the surviving pirates. “Fine, I’ll rephrase that. Have you met a guy that looks like me, but his skin is a little darker.”
“No.” Lee Min Ho smirked. “I’ve only had my eyes on you.”
“Throw him overboard.” Yunho said in a very bored tone. Siwon grabbed him and effortlessly threw his body over the ledge of the boat. “Alright you assholes, let’s get all the shit from this boat, and get the fuck out of here. Siwon, start the ship back towards the island. And before you ask we’re going South, and that’s the S on your compass.”
“Thank you!” Siwon called before crossing over the plank that connected the ships.
Anyway, the people started piling the crap onto the ship. It was mostly just water barrels, and some food. Lee Min Ho must’ve been a sucky pirate captain. “So.” Yunho pulled on the chains, making me stumble to him. He then wrapped me up in them. “Wasn’t I very helpful today?”
“Yeah so?” I grumbled trying to squirm away.
“I think gratefulness is in order.” He pouted like a five year old child. I would’ve punched him if I could’ve.
“Th…than….thank….thank…y..y..you.” I choked out. Ugh, this is unbearable. I’m so jumping into Davy Jones’s locker tonight. Wow, it’s already getting dark out? Weiiird.
“I don’t need your words.” He smirked again. What is it with this loser and smirking? “I want some of your sweet lovin’”
“Go to hell.” I hopped away from him, without getting very far. “Ugh… What do you want?” I sighed.
“Just this.” He pulled me up to him and sucked on my neck really hard. I did NOT moan… voluntarily. “There. We can go now.” He picked me up like a briefcase, and walked calmly up the plank into the Black Pride. Great, Now I have a freaking hickey. Maybe I’ll get eaten by sharks before I drown. Wouldn’t that be fun? I mean, if I get to heaven and St-Peter’s all ‘how did you die?’, I’d get to say ‘Eaten by a shark!’ and all of heaven will know what an adventurous action loving person I was. It will be great.
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**Hey, ppl! Did you miss me? I apologize for taking forever… But it is exam and essay time, and ergo, henceforth and thusly I was delayed by education. Sucks right? Oh well… I hope u enjoyed this, I’ll try to write faster next time, but it will depend. And since I don’t want to go to bed yet, I shall annoy you with my new discovery of Twitter! Yes, very late of me.. im not even following any important people cuz I’m too scared to be a celeb stalker so … oh well… nighty niiite!**