an endless series of unclosed doors

[louie_ludwig]

right now it feels like my life is made up of a series of relationship-doors that are just slightly ajar. somehow, in my life, it's rare that people decide "i'm done with you, forever. it's over." which, for the most part, is a good thing about people, or so i'm told. i think some of us have more doors left in this ambiguous state than others

Comments

[enigmakat]

I'm not so much a door slammer as a bridge burner (my policy towards betrayal, or perceived betrayal, is apparently a scorched earth one), but a lot of this feels familiar. Intense loyalty is such a strong part of my identity - I will give all of myself for those I care about - but that is countered with the fact that if hurt or wronged I will become an impregnable wall of distance. I feel like most people don't navigate their lives in such terms.

Oh, betrayal and expectations of betrayal, I don't even know if I can separate them anymore.

[louie_ludwig]

i feel similarly, actually. the way i regard and treat someone who has betrayed me is not unlike what you describe - scorched earth, etc. on the surface i am often an impregnable wall of distance! but what i've been thinking about is how underneath all of that, i actually have a hard time being DONE with someone, psychologically. the fact that i'd punch them on sight probably mostly illustrates just how NOT "over it" I am.

As for real betrayal versus expectations -- i hear you, and yet, it's so important, i think to try and separate them, otherwise we sometimes lose the people we most need.

[enigmakat]

Yeah, that's so true - anyone who's ever warranted scorched earth still is up in my head, and I'm carrying them all around with me in one way or the other.

Those false positives definitely wreak havoc in my life, and I think I've lost a few of those people I really needed because of that.

[louie_ludwig]

i wish we lived in the same city. <3