FOR goesinwaves part 1
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Title: A New Kind of Hunger
Author: misanagy
Rating: R
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan
Disclaimer: Not mine
Cara run like she never did before. Her feet were barely touching the forest ground and the low branches were slapping against her leathers, while she run through the night. Her only guide was the man in front of her; she was following him blindly, hoping that they could reach their destination in time. The tears still present in her eyes reminding her of the pain constricting her chest during the last days.
Thaddicus had given his life to save her; to give her the chance to go to the source of the Shadow Water and drink to get her life back. She had been incapable of killing Zedd’s brother to have one more day in her undead life. The guilt of robbing the man’s life for her own selfish purpose prevented her to go through with it. She had told them that she accepted the deal to come back and help Richard, but although that was also true, the moment she woke up in the Underworld only one face occupied her mind; Kahlan’s.
Cara knew that her alliance was to Richard and she was fiercely loyal to the one she believed was the true Lord Rahl. But since she joined the Seeker and his friends in the quest for the Stone of Tears, the blonde had learned another kind of loyalty, one that developed inside her silently. Kahlan was the one that taught her this new kind of loyalty. A loyalty that was born from trust and admiration; and not from obligation and duty.
But she hadn’t anticipated the magnitude of the impact Kahlan had on her. Cara hadn’t chosen to be loyal to Kahlan, it wasn’t the plan, but it had happened with every interaction between Confessor and Mord’Sith and the blonde now was helpless to free herself from the grip Kahlan had on her. It was a pull stronger than the bond linking her to Lord Rahl; it was something Cara never thought she would feel for anyone in her life. And yet, unexpectedly, Cara highly suspected that her feelings towards Kahlan were stronger than she imagined. And that strong feeling for the Confessor, one that Cara refused to put name to, was what pushed her forward; she had to stay alive; stay alive and be next to Kahlan.
“Come on, Cara,” Richard encouraged over his shoulder, not slowing down. “We are almost there.”
“Save your breath and keep running, Richard” the blonde replied, her lungs burning from the cold air and her accelerated breathing.
The more Cara thought about Kahlan, the surer she was that the fire of the Underworld couldn’t possibly be more painful than the knowledge that Kahlan would never be hers. It was painfully obvious that the Mother Confessor felt nothing for her beyond maybe a feeling of gratitude for helping the Seeker. When Kahlan had rested her hand in the blonde’s shoulder to somehow say goodbye, Cara hadn’t seen her own desperate look reflected on the brunette’s eyes.
In that moment, when she had thought that she had no hope in staying alive, the Mord’Sith had wanted to blurt out her newfound feelings for Kahlan. The blonde felt safe in the knowledge that she could share that secret with Kahlan, thus lifting a weight of her chest and then escape to her death, without having to deal with the consequences of her admission. But then, Thaddicus had to mess it up and now she was running to save her life in order to get the power of the Breath of Life back and save the fool.
If she could accomplish her current mission, Cara was certain that she would have to suffer with the daily struggle of hiding her growing affection for the Mother Confessor. What surprised the Mord’Sith the most was that she hade the choice to run away from the pain being around Kahlan brought her, but she would gladly take that pain if it meant that she was there next to the Confessor to protect her from anything that could harm her. She would find a way to bend the ache in her chest to her will and transform that pain in something more useful as she always did. She just had no idea how she was going to manage that this time.
*****
Kahlan and Zedd had been dragging Thaddicus’s body through the woods, in hopes that Cara could reach the source of the Shadow Water in time and bring Zedd’s brother back to life. The sun had already come out and both of them were exhausted; their hope of Cara making it in time to save the men was diminishing by the second.
Looking at Thaddicus’s lifeless body made Kahlan remember again that it wasn’t only the man’s life that was at stake, Cara’s life was in danger too. This thought made Kahlan’s tired hands start to shake in fear with the possibility of losing Cara. Her heart hadn’t stopped beating fast since a few hours ago, when she watched Cara disappear between the trees at high speed towards the source of the Shadow Water.
The Mord’Sith that once before Kahlan considered an enemy and in whom she didn’t trust, was now the one responsible for the intense worry that made her muscles stiff uncomfortably. The brunette was sure none of this was meant to happen; she wasn’t suppose to become friends with the woman that killed her only sister, but Kahlan had seen how regretful Cara was of her actions back in Stowcroft and she had forgiven the remorseful Mord’Sith. Kahlan had moved past that and learned to perceive in Cara more than the blonde wanted to show, and the brunette liked what she saw. Maybe a little to much, Kahlan though with a tired sigh.
When it seemed that it was going to be too late for Thaddicus, Kahlan heard a voice that made her release a deep breath in relief.
“I’m here,” Cara shouted, as she came running to kneel beside Thaddicus’s body and give him the Breath of Life.
Kahlan saw the fog of the Breath of Life leave Cara’s lips and a second later Thaddicus jolted up; alive. While the two brother’s shared some words, the Confessor had her gaze fixed on Cara’s sad expression. The blonde was certainly shaken by this whole situation and Kahlan could see the sadness and confusion that floated in Cara’s expressive eyes.
Cara felt lost while hearing Thaddicus’s thankful words directed at her. The Mord’Sith had been just a weapon since she remembered; a killer which only purpose was to serve her master with no regards for her life and not aspiring at being seen as irreplaceable. As a Mord’Sith she would probably die young, hopefully honorably in the middle of a battle. She had never wished for nothing more than that and now she was here, hearing someone tell her that she was important and wanting to please someone other than the Lord Rahl. She was lost between feeling ashamed and felling proud.
The blonde was so absorbed in her thoughts that she failed to notice Kahlan approach her, while the three men walked away from the spot they were currently in. Cara was surprised when she saw a hand come to rest on her stomach and looked up to meet concerned blue eyes gazing back at her. She instantly felt a weakness taking over her and had to avert her eyes in order to reclaim her currently fragile control over her emotions.
“Are you okay?” Kahlan asked, looking carefully at Cara. The warmth the Confessor found on Cara’s toned abdomen reassuring her that the blonde was in fact alive again.
“I’m alive,” Cara replied dismissively, glancing at Kahlan’s intense blue eyes and then shifting her gaze to the ground, but in doing so she looked at Kahlan’s hand on her leathers and the sight reminded her how she longed for the brunette’s touch.
“I can feel that,” Kahlan said smiling, letting her thumb brush across Cara’s stomach and feeling the muscles contract beneath her hand. “You saved Thaddicus’s life,” Kahlan said, cupping Cara’s chin to lift the blonde’s gaze to meet her own and finding unsheathe tears on the blonde’s eyes.
“Thank you for carrying him half the way to meet me,” Cara said, slightly basking in the feeling of Kahlan’s fingers on her cheek and feeling her own skin burnt at the gentle touch. “Now that he’s okay we can keep going,” the Mord’Sith stated, stepping back away from Kahlan in order to detach herself of the warm and torturing touch. She turned to walk away from the brunette but was stopped by Kahlan’s whisper.
“And you’re okay too,” Kahlan whispered, her voice soft with sudden emotion. “I was so scared for you, Cara” the brunette confessed, a frown on her face indicating her concern for the Mord’Sith’s life.
When Kahlan had heard Thaddicus telling them Cara was a baneling she could barely believe it, it was only when she had seen the blonde’s beautiful face marred by rotten skin that she felt a dread feeling consuming her inside. The Mord’Sith was always so strong that it was strange to see her in this weakened state. Looking into Cara’s teary eyes, Kahlan had once again gotten a glimpse of the woman inside the Mord’Sith, like she had had in Stowcroft. The Mother Confessor had felt a sense of desperation come over her and had turned to Zedd for help, but at the wizard’s professed inability to help their blonde friend, Kahlan had felt the air leave her lungs and it was like she went on out pilot. She had rested one hand on Cara’s shoulder and had said banal words, things you said to strangers in order to comfort them. Cara was no stranger, but Kahlan had been too shocked to put into words what she had been feeling in that moment. She had opted to convey all her sorrow through her eyes when she had looked intensely at Cara’s broken gaze, but somehow she got the feeling that she probably hadn’t succeeded. So she was trying now; trying to tell Cara how much she meant to her. And the more Kahlan thought about it, the more she discovered that Cara meant more to her than she previously thought.
“You don’t have to worry anymore, Mother Confessor,” Cara said dryly, her back to Kahlan so the Confessor couldn’t see the hurt expression on her face that betrayed her dismissive tone of voice. “I’ll still be here to protect your beloved Seeker,” Cara finished, her voice crackling almost imperceptibly and Cara prayed that Kahlan hadn’t noticed.
“I wasn’t worried for Richard,” Kahlan said firmly. Cara’s words made her realize that perhaps she had failed to show to Cara how much she cared for her. She always assumed that the blonde hated any sign of affection towards her, always making sure that the others knew that she did what she did out of obligation and loyalty to her Lord Rahl. But the small crackle in Cara’s voice told Kahlan that perhaps the Mord’Sith thought that she was just a pair of weapons for them and at some level resented them for it. “I was worried for you, I don’t want that anything bad happens to you, Cara,” Kahlan said reassuringly, stepping closer to the blonde and frowning when she saw Cara clasp one hand around her agiel.
“To late for that,” the blonde mumbled angrily to herself. She was furious for letting her emotions control her. She was always proud of the masterful way in witch she manipulated her emotions and turned weak ones into powerful ones. But she had never felt anything as strong as the pull she felt towards Kahlan and that was proven to be almost impossible to rule; it was destroying her walls and making her feel insecure. So Cara tried harder and the only way to combat that feeling was preventing Kahlan from fueling it with sweet words and gentle touches. “As you can see I’m perfectly fine,” Cara said louder, taking a composing breath and turning around to face Kahlan.
Kahlan searched Cara’s face for the truth of the blonde’s words. She may not be able to read Mord’Sith, but she could see Cara struggling with something. Not wanting to push the already skittish blonde, Kahlan just nodded her agreement and turned to walk towards the men.
Cara didn’t like to snap at Kahlan and she liked even less that it bothered her. The Mord’Sith grasped her agiel more firmly, letting the familiar pain spread through her body and numb her thoughts and feelings about Kahlan.
*****
After they had parted ways with Thaddicus, Richard checked the compass and, once more, they went in the direction it pointed. Richard and Zedd were talking animatedly with each other and Kahlan was trailing behind them barely listening. Her thoughts kept wandering towards Cara and the hollow feeling she had felt when she discovered the blonde was going to die. Thank the Creator everything turned out fine, Kahlan though, releasing a shaky breath. But the possibility of Cara dying made Kahlan realize that the blonde was far more important to her than she had thought.
She had noticed before how strikingly beautiful Cara was and how the air of confidence and, yes, cockiness, made the Mord’Sith dangerously attractive to many men and women. The blonde did nothing to shy away from this fact; she was completely aware of the effect she had on others and even used it many times for her advantage. Kahlan had noticed all of this before, and she had to admit that even herself was somewhat charmed by Cara’s bold personality; but Kahlan never pondered that she could develop feelings for Cara that went beyond friendship.
The last though made Kahlan’s eyes widen in shock at the idea of having romantic feelings for Cara could even take form in her mind. Kahlan felt her heart beat a little faster as she let her mind wander a little and play with the idea of being romantically attracted to the Mord’Sith. Without conscious though, Kahlan tuned her head to look at the blonde walking a few paces behind her and felt as if butterflies suddenly were flying around in her stomach. Kahlan turned her head back around and closed her eyes for a moment, whiling her fast beating heart to calm down. In spite of the effort Kahlan put in thinking that this was probably an overreaction to Cara’s almost death, the Confessor couldn’t calm her racing heart and gave in to the temptation of looking back at the blonde again.
Cara was walking steadily, her hands firmly griping the straps of her pack and her eyes glued to the ground. A movement caught her eye, though, and when she looked up she saw Kahlan quickly turn her head back to the front. Cara raised one eyebrow in suspicion but shrugged her shoulders, dismissing it as Kahlan making sure that she was still there and returned her gaze towards the ground.
After only a few seconds Cara noticed Kahlan’s head turn back around to look at her again. The Mord’Sith huffed and lifted her gaze to meet Kahlan’s. The Confessor’s reaction only left Cara more confused; Kahlan blushed and quickly turned her head away again. Kahlan repeated this a couple more times, until Cara had enough.
The blonde quickened her pace to catch up with the Confessor’s stride, being careful to do it silently in order to not alert the brunette of her approach. Once she was only a pace behind Kahlan, the blonde kept walking stealthily, grinning at the anticipation of Kahlan’s reaction to her closeness. Judging by the Kahlan’s relaxed state, the brunette hadn’t noticed that Cara was right behind her; the blonde was a skilled hunter after all.
Kahlan was following the men’s steps absentmindedly, completely lost in her thoughts about the beautiful blonde a few paces behind her. Beautiful? She has this wild beauty about her, but why do I keep thinking about that? Kahlan thought, becoming frustrated with her train of thought without being able to tell why she was thinking about Cara’s looks and why did that suddenly made her fell nervous. Without realizing she was doing it again, the brunette turned her head to look at Cara, only to be startled at the Mord’Sith’s closeness. Surprised, Kahlan let a gasp escape and her steps halted for a second.
Not anticipating Kahlan’s stop in her march, Cara almost run into the Confessor. The blonde instinctively lifted her arms and placed both hands in Kahlan’s hips to steady herself and the startled brunette. Cara’s grin grew wider when she felt Kahlan’s hands also move instinctively to rest on top of hers. Since Kahlan had her head turned sideways, the movement brought Cara’s face close to Kahlan’s.
“You should be more careful,” Cara whispered huskily in the blushing brunette’s ear, her warm breath agitating the soft dark hair in front of her. “It could have been someone more dangerous than me sneaking up on you,” the blonde added mischievously, squeezing softly Kahlan’s hips and satisfied when she felt Kahlan shiver in her arms. At the moment she could care less that she was probably being more intimate with Kahlan than she should. Even if it hurt her in the end, the Mord’Sith’s instinct was always to fight, never to flee.
“I think you might just be dangerous enough,” Kahlan whispered back, turning her head a few more inches to look at Cara’s eyes. This movement made the blonde’s lips graze along the brunette’s cheek, making Kahlan shiver once more from the intimate contact with the blonde. The Confessor looked intensely into Cara’s green eyes for a moment and then her gaze dropped to Cara’s parted lips and back again at the blonde’s eyes. The atmosphere around them was charged, Kahlan was suddenly aware of the warm and firm grip Cara had on her hips and how her own thumbs were tracing circles on the back of the blonde’s hands.
The moment Cara felt Kahlan’s skin graze her lips, her breathing became erratic. The brunette’s words coupled with the intense look on Kahlan’s face, that hinted at a possible double meaning of the brunette’s words, made Cara’s heart skip a beat in her chest. For an instant her whole body paralyzed and all she could focus on was Kahlan’s breath on her own lips. The blonde licked her suddenly dry lips and swallowed with some difficulty. As she saw Kahlan’s gaze drop to her lips, she took the opportunity to let her eyes roam the Confessor’s beautiful face so close to her.
The sight of Cara’s tongue wetting the blonde’s lips left Kahlan mesmerized. The Confessor swallowed as she stared at the rosy lips so close to her own and then shifted her gaze back up to Cara’s eyes, only to find the Mord’Sith staring intensely at her with a very rare unfocused look. This was the closest she had ever been to Cara and it was the most distracted she had seen the Mord’Sith look. Suddenly all of these new feelings and reactions were too much for Kahlan and the brunette blinked and cleared her throat, effectively killing the surprisingly powerful moment.
“We are going to lose Richard and Zedd if we don’t keep up,” Kahlan said while she turned her head away from Cara to look towards the small figures in the distance that were the two men, her voice coming out more trembling than she planed. But what concerned Kahlan was that even as she said this, the brunette couldn’t bring herself to let go of Cara’s hands at her hips.
Cara leaned forward and inhaled slowly, taking in the sweet scent of Kahlan’s long hair, while she nodded her head in agreement. But she immediately caught herself and noticed that Kahlan wouldn’t be able to see her nod. “Richard makes too much noise for us not being able to find him quickly,” the blonde replied in a husky voice, noticing how Kahlan was as reluctant to move from their current position as she was.
The Confessor closed her eyes hard for a moment when she heard Cara’s deep voice at the nape of her neck and felt how her body reverberated in response. “You’re right, but let’s not waist time with it,” Kahlan said, chuckling awkwardly while she released her hands from Cara’s and started walking forwards without looking back.
The Mord’Sith let her arms fall along her sides and stood for a moment watching the Confessor get farther away from her, without even a glance back. What were you thinking? That she would leap into your arms when she’s obviously crazy about the Seeker? Cara thought dejectedly, one hand moving to the comforting agiel at her waist as she started after the Mother Confessor.
*****
They walked all morning and finally stopped by mid day to have a meal and rest for a bit. They got out of the road and busied themselves with eating some dry meat they had in their packs.
Richard had draw a simple map on the dirt and was studying the best route for them to take, while Zedd looked on and gave his advice, based on his previous experiences at traveling through those places. Kahlan was hearing the men and distractingly giving her advice too, since she was well versed in the maps of the Midlands. What kept distracting her was a pair of green eyes that glanced at her with increasing frequency.
Kahlan caught Cara’s gaze a couple of times and the Mord’Sith would held her eyes for a moment and then lower her gaze to the food in her hands. Kahlan would let her look linger on the blonde’s face, trying to discern what was going through Cara’s mind behind those intense and constant glances, but the only conclusion she got was that the sharing looks were making her extremely nervous and self-conscious.
“I’ll be right back,” Kahlan said, addressing no one in particular, getting up and dusting off her travel dress. The brunette needed to put some space between herself and Cara. She felt like they were having a silent conversation, but she didn’t even know what the topic was. The small encounter they had earlier had left Kahlan shaken to the core, she was feeling unsure about the slight change in her dynamic with Cara. Kahlan could sense that something was starting to change and she was scared to find out just how much more her feelings for Cara could change; or had already changed.
Richard and Zedd gave her a nod of acknowledgement and Cara just kept eating her food, but Kahlan noticed the effort the blonde was putting into maintaining her eyes downcast. Sighing slightly, the Confessor turned and walked towards the trees, disappearing behind them after a few steps.
Cara’s eyes were boring a hole on the ground, while the blonde ate without really tasting the food. She could hide behind her stoic face, but inside she was less than calm and composed. Cara couldn’t help the pull she felt towards Kahlan and by Kahlan’s nervous reaction she suspected that the Confessor was not as oblivious to it as she tried to seem.
Cara looked at Richard by the corner of her eye and clenched her jaw in jealously of what he had: Kahlan’s affection. The Mord’Sith actually felt bad for thinking like this. She had never longed for anything in her life; she lived to serve her Lord and when certain needs demanded to be met she could always find someone to help her with it. But now she found herself in a completely new and unfamiliar situation. She was torn between doing what she wants and doing what is right. Usually the choice wouldn’t be too difficult, the blonde would choose what she wants without a second though; but when her choices affected the Confessor, Cara found herself pondering more than usual. She couldn’t act based on her desires and not care for the consequences, this time she would do everything in her power to fight against her nature and not mess with something that would surely hurt Richard and possibly Kahlan.
Before she could dwell in her thoughts any longer, Cara was brought back to the world around her by a group of screaming men and women coming at them with weapons raised. The rotten flesh of their faces showed what they really were: banelings.
The blonde got up and unsheathed her agiels, actually welcoming the opportunity to vent her frustration with violence. In no time a multitude of walking dead were surrounding them, all of them desperate to kill for a second chance at life. Zedd was decimating banelings with his wizards fire and the Seeker was also holding his own with the help of his skills with the sword. They were outnumbered, but the lack of fighting skills from their opponents gave them the chance at fighting them back. The concentration on the fight was broken when a scream pierced the air, coming from the direction Kahlan had disappeared before.
The three of them turned their heads in the scream’s direction, but were pulled again to the battle at hand by their enemies’ attacks. Cara was the one that managed to kill the banelings near her first and only stopped to trade a worried look with Richard before starting to run towards Kahlan, concerned about the Confessor’s safety.
*****
Cara didn’t even look back while she run through the same path Kahlan had been through earlier and when she reached a clearing, her eyes immediately caught Kahlan gyrating around, one hand yielding a dagger and the other clutching to her chest. The brunette had a pained expression on her face and was surrounded by four banelings, more than that already lying lifeless on the ground. Cara discovered the motive for that expression when after the brunette turned around in the fight, she noticed Kahlan’s chest covered in blood.
Without slowing down the Mord’Sith attacked the banelings closest to Kahlan, rendering them useful with a few well placed strikes of her agiels. With both women covering each other’s backs the dead were once again restored to their rightful place in the Underworld.
Watching her last enemy fall to the ground, Cara rapidly turned to assess Kahlan’s state. Cara walked around Kahlan to be in front of her and saw that the Confessor was holding loosely to her only dagger and the hand clutching at her chest was, as Cara could now see, holding both halves of her torn dress together.
“How bad are you hurt?” Cara asked quickly, folding her agiels back at her waist and staring expectantly at the brunette.
“It’s nothing,” Kahlan replied, her eyes looking around in search of something. “It’s just a scratch,” Kahlan said dismissively, but her strained voice told another story.
“I don’t think so,” Cara contradicted, turning around and walking a few steps before bending down and retrieving Kahlan’s other dagger. “Looking for this?” the blonde asked, standing a couple of paces away from Kahlan and motioning to the shining weapon in her hand.
At the brunette’s nod of confirmation, the Mord’Sith tossed the dagger at Kahlan and smirked when instead of catching it in the air, as it would be expected, Kahlan swerved to the side and let the blade fall on the ground.
“Some scratch, if it doesn’t even allow you to lift your arm,” Cara stated, swaggering back to Kahlan’s side.
Kahlan huffed and bent down to put the dagger she still had on her hand back in the scabbard of her boot. The Confessor unhurriedly picked up the other dagger and proceeded to the same, one arm protectively placed at her front. Only then did Kahlan stood in front of Cara and revealed the long cut that her leathers had suffered. There was a gash on the clothing that ripped the Confessor’s dress at the middle, starting at her cleavage and ending at her stomach.
“There were too many and one of them knocked one of my daggers off of my hand and managed to cut me with a knife,” Kahlan explained how she had been wounded, looking shyly away from Cara’s eyes.
Cara looked closer and could see that the cut on Kahlan’s skin started at the point between the Confessor’s neck and shoulder, where the gash was deeper, and continued down her chest, passing between her breasts and ending in a barely there scratch at her stomach.
“I see that you pulled away,” Cara said, referring to the way the cut seemed to be more superficial from Kahlan’s shoulder to her abdomen.
“Of course I pulled away,” Kahlan snapped, turning her head brusquely in Cara’s direction and wincing at the pain the sudden movement caused.
“Can you walk?” the blonde asked, her eyes shifting uncomfortably from Kahlan’s ripped dress to the ground. “Or do you want me to go get Zedd to look at your,” the blonde trailed off as a stern look from Kahlan prevented her from going on.
“Do you really think that I want Zedd near me when I’m literally barely holding my clothes together?” Kahlan said exasperatedly to the fidgeting Mord’Sith in front of her.
“So you don’t mind me being near you?” Cara said before she could stop herself.
“It’s not like I had a choice,” Kahlan said, blushing and averting her gaze from Cara’s. “But if you don’t mind, could you go back and get my pack?” the Confessor asked. “I have my white dress there and some bandages to take care of this,” she said, pointing at her wound.
“Of course I don’t mind,” the blonde responded with a shrug of her shoulders. “I’ll be right back,” she said and turned around to jog in the direction she had come from before.
Kahlan took a few steps towards the small stream nearby and sunk on a rock. She could feel that the cut was not too deep, but when she tried to look down at it, her skin pulled painfully and she had to stop before she did more damage. She had no alternative than to wait for Cara’s return.
*****
Kahlan didn’t have to wait long until Cara was back, the brunette’s pack securely draped over the blonde’s back. The blonde dropped the pack at Kahlan’s feet and stood in front of Kahlan with hands on her hips.
“Are Richard and Zedd okay?” Kahlan asked without much worry, judging by the blonde’s cool demeanor the men were certainly well.
“Yes, no problem with the banelings,” Cara informed, watching curiously as Kahlan picked up her pack, put it on the rock and started to search for something inside using only one hand, while the other was poised over her chest to avoid that the rip on her clothes opened up. The Mother Confessor took out her white dress and after looking briefly around, turned towards Cara.
“I’ll go change,” Kahlan simply said, her cheeks blushing.
“Where exactly?” Cara asked with a small smirk, crossing her arms over her chest and pointedly looking around at the open area were they stood. Her smirk only grew wider when Kahlan’s blush deepened. The Mord’Sith had always found Kahlan’s modesty to be annoying and unpractical, but now she was finding it quite endearing.
“I’ll just go over there,” Kahlan said, pointing to a few trees thirty feet away. The brunette bundled her dress in her free arm and took one step in the direction she had pointed. Before she could take another step, Kahlan felt a hand close gently around her elbow. The Confessor pursed her lips nervously and turned her head to look at Cara.
“You’re going to change into your white dress without cleaning all that blood first?” Cara pointed out, nodding in Kahlan’s chest direction. “Sit down on the rock, I’ll help you clean and dress the wound first,” the blonde added, not so much suggesting as telling Kahlan.
“I don’t need your help, Cara,” Kahlan stated gently, but let herself be directed towards the rock. “I can clean the wound on my own,” she added while she sunk on the rock that was a few inches lower than her waist level.
“I’m sure you can,” the blonde mockingly agreed. “But since you wince every time you move your head the wrong way, it would take you an awful lot of time,” Cara said, taking the dress off of Kahlan’s hand and putting it on the rock, beside the Confessor. The Mord’Sith retrieved a small cloth and a bowl from Kahlan’s pack and went to the stream to fill the bowl with water. After doing that, the blonde placed the bowl next to Kahlan on the rock, placing herself between the Confessor’s legs and cleaning Kahlan’s blood wet the now wet cloth.
Kahlan looked over Cara’s shoulder to the corpses lying on the ground were they had left them. The banelings made her remember the close call Cara had suffered and the Confessor clenched her hands into fists in resentment at what the Mord’Sith had gone through alone, without sharing her burden with any of them.
“Am I hurting you?” Cara asked in a concerned tone after noticing Kahlan’s hands baled into fists.
“No,” Kahlan quickly reassured the blonde, shifting her gaze to look back at Cara. “I was just thinking about something,” she said, her gaze once again returning to the lifeless bodies. The blonde followed the brunette’s line of sight and glanced over her shoulder at the bodies.
“Are you worried that they’ll get back from the dead again?” Cara asked in a light tone, he eyes focusing again on Kahlan’s wound and her efforts to clean the gash as best as she could.
“No, I was thinking about you,” Kahlan confessed, averting her eyes from the dead and looking at Cara’s concentrated face.
“What about me?” Cara asked, her jaw clenching in fear of Kahlan’s answer.
“I was wondering how you could go through that without asking for help,” Kahlan revealed and bit her lip in anticipation of Cara’s response, her eyes never leaving the blonde’s face.
“And what exactly would you have done?” Cara asked in a slightly harsher tone than she intended. “Would you have lain down and let me kill you in order for me to live one more day?” she said, finally lifting her gaze to meet Kahlan’s startled one. The Confessor lowered her gaze to the ground and said nothing in response to Cara’s question.
The Confessor’s down casted look and silence were enough to make Cara regret she had even asked. Of course the brunette would never do something like that for her; and Cara never wanted that either. The fact that Cara had come back from the dead to protect Kahlan didn’t mean that the Confessor had the same fierce need to protect and help the Mord’Sith. Cara blinked and sighed slightly; trying to forget the awful days she had passed as a baneling.
“What did you think about when you woke in the Underworld?” Kahlan surprised both of them with her question, her eyes still fixed in a point on the ground.
“That there are a lot of ugly bastards down there that could use some clothes to prevent me from gagging,” the Mord’Sith said matter-of-factly, her eyes focused on her cleaning efforts, trying to hide her discomfort at Kahlan’s question.
The Confessor chuckled at Cara’s reply and was about to make a light comment when she caught Cara’s expression. The Mord’Sith usual stoic face was filled with worry. Kahlan could see the blonde’s jaw clench nervously under her skin and the blonde swallowing hard, as if she was disturbed by something. Kahlan wanted to ask what was bothering her, but at the same time she was afraid of the answer.
The brunette tried to distract herself out of those thoughts by concentrating in something else than Cara’s face. The Confessor focused her attention on the small pain she felt on the wound on her chest. When she did this, she noticed that the pain wasn’t as strong as she thought it would be. Kahlan imagined that the Mord’Sith would be quick and practical at cleaning her wound, without much care if it hurt Kahlan or not. But the brunette surprisingly noticed the care and gentleness Cara used to tend to her. The Confessor looked closely at Cara and smiled in appreciation of Cara’s tenderness.
“What?” Cara asked defensively, halting her hand and lifting her head slightly to look at Kahlan, cocking one eyebrow up at her.
“Nothing, it’s just that you are very gentle,” Kahlan said, shaking her head a little, meeting Cara’s weary gaze with a small smile.
“I didn’t think you would appreciate me enhancing your pain, Confessor,” Cara said, furrowing her eyebrows as she noticed that, indeed, she was being more careful with Kahlan than she normally was in the past, with other people’s wounds.
“And I didn’t think you would care so much about sparing me from further pain,” Kahlan replied without missing a beat, a satisfied smile tugging on her lips when she watched Cara lower her eyes in a defeated almost embarrassed expression. Feeling confident by Cara’s obvious discomfort with the conversation, Kahlan kept looking at the blonde, noticing how Cara fascinated her and scared her at the same time.
“Trying to read a Mord’Sith, Confessor,” Cara said, attempting to lighten the tension and escape the curiosity of Kahlan’s look.
“No,” Kahlan replied, her gaze bravely unwavering. “Trying to read you,” she clarified.
“I am Mord’Sith,” Cara said, glancing briefly at Kahlan. The blonde suspected the meaning of Kahlan’s words, but refused to acknowledge it. “Did some baneling hit you in the head and made you forget that you can’t read Mord’Sith?”
“Maybe I wanted to try it, since you’re not exactly a regular Mord’Sith,” Kahlan replied tersely, letting her frustration with her feelings find an outlet in Cara.
“What’s that suppose to mean?” Cara asked, her face retreating defensively.
“Just that, either you like it or not, you’re lot more than meets the eye, Cara,” Kahlan explained further, her voice softening once more.
“Some bastard definitely hit you on the head,” Cara said in a huff, moving her hands to once again clean Kahlan’s cut.
The Confessor sighed in amusement at Cara’s insistence on avoiding any conversation that alluded at her feelings and turned her head away from the blonde. The movement stretched her damaged skin and the brunette hissed in pain.
“Keep you’re eyes on me, will you?” Cara said exasperated, cupping Kahlan’s check in one palm and bringing the Confessor’s head back to be face to face with her. “Or else you’ll end up hurting yourself,” she admonished, rapidly moving her hand from the Confessor’s soft cheek when she noticed her own gesture and lowering her eyes once again.
“And keeping my eyes on you won’t cause pain?” Kahlan asked in a whisper, her voice loaded with meaning.
Hearing this, Cara lifted her eyes to meet Kahlan’s blue ones and stared at the brunette without being able to utter a word. It was clear that Kahlan was not talking about the gash across her chest, but about a much more dangerous pain. The Confessor’s words only clarified the reason why the two of then were dancing around each other.
Cara wanted to respond, to say something, although she had no idea what she should say, but her lips hang slightly parted without any sound coming out. The blonde could only stare at the confused and scared blue eyes in front of her.
“Please, don’t answer that,” Kahlan whispered, placing the pads of her fingers against the blonde’s lips. She shifted her gaze down to look at her fingers poised over Cara’s warm lips. The softness she could feel beneath her fingers did nothing to calm her racing heart; it was Cara’s low voice that brought her out of her haze.
“I won’t,” Cara mumbled against Kahlan’s fingers, grabbing Kahlan’s hand and removing the brunette’s fingers from her lips “But don’t ask me again, because I might answer you,” she said firmly, placing Kahlan’s fingers over the brunette’s lips and locking deeply into Kahlan’s eyes. Then, she placed the cloth on the rock and turned around to walk away, never looking behind her.
Kahlan sat immobile, looking at Cara’s retreating figure, her fingers, that moments before had been on Cara’s lips, were poised against her own lips. The Confessor pressed her fingers more tightly against her mouth and closed her eyes. A shuddering breath made her entire body shake and a tear escape down her cheek.
*****
Kahlan sat in front of the fire, poking it absentmindedly with a small stick. Everybody else was sleeping and she was keeping watch of the camp. Her mind kept going to Cara. The blonde had been quiet the rest of the day. Not that the blonde was normally talkative, but this time there was an aura of tension around Cara that bothered Kahlan. The Confessor moved one hand her chest, were Cara had touched her with so much care earlier. After she changed dresses, Zedd had used magic to heal her completely and all that was left was the memory of the cut that had brought Cara so close to her for a moment.
It was obvious to Kahlan that the blonde was probably struggling with the same confusing feelings she was. Cara’s cryptic words when she left her to change were perfectly understood by Kahlan and even if Cara hadn’t talked, the blonde’s meaningful looks told Kahlan more than the brunette wanted to know. It was one thing to be attracted to Cara; the woman was gorgeous, even if Kahlan had never though about women like that she could understand her attraction. But the way Kahlan’s heart had beat almost out of her chest and the way her breath caught at Cara’s closeness, was an indication that what she felt for the blonde was more than a mere attraction; and that’s what scared Kahlan.
With utmost carefulness, Kahlan got up and walked quietly towards Cara’s bedroll. She looked over the two men, who were sleeping soundly on their respective bedrolls, but when her gaze landed on Cara she noticed a deep frown on the blonde’s face. Kahlan approached Cara carefully and kneeled next to the slumbering blonde, seeing her clutching one of her agiels tightly in her hand. Cara lay on her back, her forehead was covered in sweat and the blonde’s eyes were shifting quickly underneath her lids. The Confessor looked at Cara’s waist and noticed that the other agiel was missing, so she looked around her proximity in search of the weapon that never left Cara’s reach.
When Kahlan shifted to look next to Cara’s pack positioned at the blonde’s head, a glint caught her attention. It was the thin chain of Cara’s agiel, reflecting the fire’s light from beneath the Mord’Sith. Kahlan’s eyebrows rose in shock at the sight and she had to cover her mouth to silence the surprised gasp that escaped. Spirits, she must be in a lot of pain, Kahlan thought.
Kahlan didn’t want to wake the already restless blonde, but she had to take the agiel from beneath her in order to end the agony Cara must be feeling. So she took a deep breath and braced herself for the excruciating pain that was sure to shoot through her arm the moment she touched the agiel. Kahlan grabbed the leather clad weapon and immediately felt a jolt of blinding pain ripping through her arm. Kahlan ground her teeth together, trying to not succumb to the pain, although she couldn’t hold back a whimper.
She only had time for a small pull when she felt a force tackling her to ground and an unfocused Mord’Sith straddle her hips. Cara pinned Kahlan’s legs to the ground using her own and had one arm across Kahlan’s chest, pressing the brunette to the ground, while pointing a screaming agiel at her throat. Luckily, Kahlan’s reflexes kicked in and the Confessor blocked the blonde’s intended attack at her neck.
“Cara, it’s okay, it’s just me,” Kahlan whispered rapidly, trying to calm down the startled Mord’Sith on top of her.
“Do you have a death wish, Confessor?” Cara whispered fiercely, not moving an inch from her threatening position over Kahlan.
“I have nothing of the sorts,” Kahlan replied with a furrowed brow. “I just saw you moving in your sleep and you had a pained expression on your face, so I thought the agiel that was beneath you was hurting you and I was trying to remove it,” Kahlan explained hurriedly, letting her body go limp in surrender beneath Cara’s, hoping that would put the blonde more at ease.
“You do know that I’m used to the pain of my agiels?” Cara asked dryly, putting her agiel away in her belt and planting her hands on the ground on each side of Kahlan’s head, hovering over the brunette. Cara’s body relaxed its previous tensed posture and was now sitting on Kahlan’s thighs.
“I know, but you looked like you were hurting,” Kahlan explained, unconsciously sliding her hands up Cara’s arms slowly and gently.
Cara shivered at the warm contact of Kahlan’s hands with her leather covered arms and felt powerless to control her body’s reaction as her elbows unlocked from the pleasurable contact, making her upper body drop closer to Kahlan’s. Cara blinked and exhaled a warm puff of air onto the brunette’s slightly parted lips. Cara’s gaze got caught in the intensity of the blue eyes looking back at her and she didn’t even register her head slowly drop down towards Kahlan’s.
The Confessor felt Cara’s warm breath on her lips and completely lost her train of thought. All Kahlan could focus on was how well Cara’s body fitted with her own and how pleasurable it was to feel the blonde’s body pressed against her. Kahlan’s hands moved on their own accord and slide down the blonde’s strong back, intending on bringing the Mord’Sith closer to her. She noticed Cara’s lips getting closer to her own and thought for a brief second that this should not be happening, but Kahlan felt helpless to stop it. The decision to stop, however, was taken off her hands when Cara hissed in pain and arched her back, putting distance between them both.
“Cara?” Kahlan said uncertainly, looking up at the Mord’Sith still hovering over her. “Did I hurt you?” she asked more directly after becoming aware of her hands on Cara’s lower back. Kahlan slide her hands from Cara’s lower back to the blonde’s sides and noticed how the woman did her best to hide a wince. She watched Cara get off of her and sat beside her before replying without meeting her eyes.
“No,” Cara said unconvincingly, getting up and planning on going back to sleep, but she made the mistake of looking back at Kahlan. The resolute expression on the Confessors face demanded a more truthful answer and since she knew Kahlan would probably nag her until she gave one, the blonde opted to save them the trouble of arguing. “It’s nothing, you just touched a sore spot on my back,” she said shrugging her shoulders dismissively.
“Did you hurt yourself fighting the banelings?” Kahlan asked, blushing at hearing Cara mention how she had indeed been touching the blonde.
“No,” Cara said before thinking and regretted it immediately because that reply would only raise more questions. “I mean, yes, I must have,” she backpedaled.
“Let me see,” Kahlan requested while she got up from the ground.
“Let you see?” Cara repeated with a raised eyebrow, noticing how Kahlan’s blush deepened.
“Yes,” Kahlan confirmed, feeling her cheeks reddening but not wanting to back off on her intentions. “If the injury makes you react like that it must be pretty bad,” the brunette explained, bravely meeting Cara’s defying gaze.
“Are you forgetting again that I’m used to pain?” Cara said in aggravation, trying to prevent Kahlan from seeing what she knew was on her back without raising the brunette’s suspicion.
“I’m not, but from what I’ve seen there are different kinds of pain,” Kahlan replied, not at all intimidated by Cara’s annoyed words. “When you’re holding your agiels you don’t wince like that, so you must be really hurt,” Kahlan explained her reasoning. “Just let me see and maybe I can help you,” the brunette requested once again.
“You want to see, Kahlan?” Cara whispered harshly, getting more annoyed every second. “Fine,” the Mord’Sith said tiredly. “Let’s go next to the fire for you to see better,” the blonde said, fixing a burning stare on Kahlan’s confused eyes. Cara turned away from Kahlan and stomped over towards the fire, her irritation clear in every step she took.
“Cara, what is wrong with you?” Kahlan asked, starting to feel nervous before Cara’s cold attitude. “Did something else happen to you in the Underworld?” Kahlan supposed, thinking that maybe Cara had come back with some kind of mark. Her concerns, though, were met by a quiet but mocking laugh from the Mord’Sith.
“If you think the worst thing that could happen to me would happen in the Underworld you’re sadly mistaken,” Cara said, stopping next to the fire and turning around to face Kahlan. “I’ve already died several times before at the hands of my sisters, in case you forgot,” the blonde added, moving her hands to cross over chest.
Instead of replying Kahlan limited herself to follow Cara towards the fire, eyeing the Mord’Sith with worried eyes. There was definitely something bothering Cara. When Kahlan stopped in front of Cara, the blonde only cocked an eyebrow up at her and turned around, standing in front of Kahlan with her back turned.
“Cara, what”-
“Since you’re the one insisting on this, I think you would do well if you helped me with my leathers,” Cara said unenthusiastically, tilting one hip to the side as she rested her weight in one leg, her arms still nervously crossed over her chest.
Without saying anything, the brunette stepped closer to Cara and lifted her arms to work on the knot at the nape of Cara’s neck. In order to reach the knot tying the red leather together, the brunette gently brushed Cara’s hair aside and was surprised when Cara visibly fliched under her light touch.
The moment Kahlan’s fingers grazed her skin Cara realized that this was not a good idea after all. She didn’t count on was her own reaction to Kahlan’s touch. She was used to being undressed by other women, but her sister’s touches were effective, they had nothing to do with Kahlan’s touch. The careful and gentle way in which Kahlan disentangled her leathers, only made Cara feel out of her element again.
Kahlan parted the leather covering Cara’s back and her eyes widened in shock when she saw a black and purple mark across the blonde’s lower back. The Confessor had seen this marks before, it was the type of mark an agiel would leave. Since they hadn’t fought any Mord’Sith, the only agiels that could have marked Cara’s otherwise flawless skin were the ones the blonde herself carried; more specifically the one that had been beneath Cara when the blonde was asleep.
Cara felt the brunette’s hands come to rest on her bare sides and tried to avoid Kahlan’s touch; but when she motioned to get away she felt Kahlan’s arm slide around her waist, keeping her in place. Cara felt the cold skin of the Confessor’s forehead come to rest on the nape of her neck and Kahlan’s warm breath ghost between her shoulder blades.
“Why do you have these?” Kahlan asked in a strangled whisper.
“It was an accident,” Cara replied, her fists closing at her sides in an attempt to restrain her desire to turn around and take the Confessor in her arms.
“Don’t lie to me, Cara,” Kahlan said, lifting her head and flattening her hand against Cara’s toned abdomen, bringing the blonde closer to her. “There are no accidents when it comes to handling your agiels.” Kahlan stated quietly, her forehead almost touching the back of Cara’s head.
“I had to bend something inside me to my will,” Cara said with a resigned sight, closing her eyes briefly to overcome the intensity of the moment. “Something that I can’t seem to control without drastic measures,” the blonde confessed, her voice lowering to a meaningful whisper and her hand coming up to cover the one Kahlan had on her stomach, conveying with that simple, but meaningful, gesture the she was talking about what Kahlan made her feel.
Feeling the pressure of Cara’s hand on her own and hearing the blonde’s words let Kahlan know what the blonde was referring to. Feeling weak, Kahlan let her body lean on Cara’s back and finally let her forehead rest on the back of Cara’s head, inhaling the scent of the blonde’s hair. The Confessor recognized that this tension between them existed because they were both struggling with their feelings on their own, but those feelings were something that they had to avoid at all costs. What was clearly growing between them was unexpected; this was not how Kahlan wanted to feel. She wanted to go back to being the girl in love with the Seeker, but Cara had come along and she felt weak before the power the blonde had over her.
“Close my leathers, Kahlan,” the blonde said in an uneven voice, letting her face show the sadness she was feeling, knowing that Kahlan couldn’t see her. “Do it,” she said more forcefully as she noticed the Confessor’s reluctance, disentangling Kahlan’s arm from around her waist.
Kahlan felt her eyes fill with tears at Cara’s harsh tone, but she recognized it as being the blonde’s way of fighting against the same temptation she was fighting too. With trembling hands, the brunette busied herself with the task of lacing Cara’s leather back together and watching as the Mord’Sith’s fist clenched at the blonde’s side every time Kahlan sniffled softly. Once she finished, the brunette rested her hands on the blonde’s tense shoulders.
“Cara, look at me,” Kahlan pleaded in a weak voice.
“I think you better leave,” Cara said, turning around to face Kahlan. “Before I do something I shouldn’t do,” the blonde said, her eyes shining with unsheathed tears. She quickly turned around, feeling her resolve weakening in the face of Kahlan’s distressed look. Cara opted to sit on a log in front of the fire and addressed Kahlan without glancing back. “Go to sleep, it’s my turn to keep watch.”
The sight of Cara’s eyes filled with tears only left Kahlan even more disturbed. She had never seen the Mord’Sith so openly upset about something and she felt hopeless in making the blonde fell better. Despite her better judgment and Cara’s request, the Confessor walked towards the slumped form in front of the fire and kneeled behind Cara. Kahlan surrounded Cara’s shoulders with her arms and leaned her temple against the side of the blonde’s head.
“I’m sorry,” Kahlan whispered in the blonde’s ear, squeezing Cara’s body between her arms closely.
Cara let her eyes drift close with a sigh and moved one hand to cup the side of Kahlan’s head against her own and used her other hand to gently stroke Kahlan’s arm around her shoulders. “Just go rest, Kahlan,” the blonde said softly, not turning around for fear that her already weakened resolve would cave completely. She shuddered when she felt Kahlan hug her tightly and place a tender and lingering kiss on her temple. The Mord’Sith let her hand slide down Kahlan’s arm and grasped the Confessor’s soft hand, bringing it to her mouth and kissing the brunette’s knuckles with tender affection.
Cara heard Kahlan sniffle one more time and felt the Confessor get up and walk away from her. The Mord’Sith kept her eyes firmly fixed on the fire and if anyone would have asked she would’ve blamed the heat of the flames for the tears that rolled down her cheeks. After a few moments of silence, the blonde risked a look back at Kahlan’s bedroll only to find it empty. Her eyes scanned the near surroundings and found the brunette fast asleep and curled on the blonde’s bedroll. Cara turned to focus her eyes on the fire again and sighed heavily, a sad smile on her lips.
*****