Fic: Privacy, A Series of Scenes
As Kahlan was a mix of crying, shaking, laughing and grasping the Mord’Sith with all the strength she had, she still didn’t miss the way Cara was hesitant to return her embrace. The Confessor loosened her hold, but tucked her face against the blonde hair at the other woman’s temple, forcing her breathing to calm, letting a desperately relieved sigh wash over the ear so close to her lips. She suddenly wished to kiss every part of this woman she could reach, but withheld. Pulling back slightly, her hands still grasping the blonde’s elbows, Kahlan looked into Cara’s eyes and tried to decipher the look on her face. The Mord’Sith had trouble holding her gaze.
“Cara-” Kahlan began, but stopped. What to ask? How? There was so much on her mind and it seemed like every single bit of it was fighting to escape first. She stammered, and the Mother Confessor just stared and stared at the beautiful face so close to her own. Warm, breathing, eyes open, cheeks slightly flushed…
“I woke up to Lilly sneaking into my bed,” The Mord’Sith began quietly. “She was cuddling up against my chest and trying to pull the covers over us.” She shook her head slightly. “It was quite a jarring contrast to the last thing I could remember before-” Cara cut herself off. Reaching an arm up, she smoothed back her hair in its tight braid. “When I took in my surroundings,” she started again, her confusion somewhat plain, “I just sort of fell back into what I knew. I didn’t know where you’d gone, Lilly said she’d looked for you in your room before she came to mine, and she seemed to be perfectly alright, so…” she shrugged again. “I didn’t want to worry or confuse her anymore than I was sure the whole morning already had.” She sighed.
“Cara,” Kahlan began, wanting to apologize for apparently just leaving her, wanting to explain what’d happened after the Mord’Sith had lost consciousness, but her want to know why it had happened so overpowered it. “Please, are you alright?” She asked almost shakily. The Mord’Sith nodded tersely.
“Fine.” She assured, “My joints feel as though they’ve not been used in days and my muscles feel as though they’ve been over-used for nearly as long, but other than that I am perfectly fine.” She appeased almost casually. Kahlan’s brows met in surprise.
“Cara,” the Confessor began, but was not given the chance to finish.
“Confessor, may I make a suggestion?” Cara began diplomatically. “I have no doubt Lilly is somewhat confused and curious about what has happened already today. Perhaps we might go about the rest of our day like normal, to assuage her that anything is wrong? We’ll go to breakfast, I’ll take her to her lessons, and-”
“Zedd!” Kahlan interjected quickly. Cara raised an eyebrow. Kahlan shook her head. “When you wouldn’t wake up, I sent for Zedd to meet me in the Keep-he thinks you’re still half-dead and under powerful magic!” She realized. “I was supposed to have your body brought to him to be examined.” She murmured, running a hand through her hair.
“Then I will go and speak to Zedd.” She finished, as though she’d not been interrupted. “You can meet with your supplicants without me for a day, I’ll make sure both Marcus and Emerilo accompany you in my place.” Kahlan shook her head.
“Cara, I want to go with you, I can have Dennee-”
“No.” Cara said clearly. Kahlan froze. “Confessor, you must see to your subjects. I assure you, I am fine, I will go and speak to Zedd,” she stated clearly, “And this afternoon you must go to your meeting with the Peoples Counsel.” She insisted, looking the brunette clearly in the eye. “The importance of this meeting has been stressed by you most explicitly. You worked hard on it, and so have they, and they will become suspicious if suddenly you call this off. Dennee has not prepared for this; she cannot go in your place adequately. Please, Mother Confessor.” Kahlan felt quite stuck.
“We will speak later, when you are out of your meetings.” Cara assured her. “I’ll try and get Lilly to bed early.” When Kahlan looked like she was about to interrupt, Cara help up both of her hands between them. “And please,” she began, somewhat haltingly, “allow me some time to get my words in order?” she finished quietly. The Confessor softened and relaxed considerably at this. Of course she would allow Cara that. She nodded, and followed the Mord’Sith back into her daughter’s room.
…
When Kahlan had agreed with Cara’s suggested plan, she had known it had merit and thought it more than reasonable. What she hadn’t counted on was just how exhausted she would become, and how quickly. It seemed no sooner had Cara left to take Lilly to meet Valga than her ability to keep her mind focused seemed to dull considerably. The Confessor managed to get through her petitioners fairly well, but it took a great deal of effort despite most of the matters being fairly simple. When it was time for the midday meal, she asked for a great deal of strong tea to be made, and asked that her notes and papers for the coming meeting be brought to her. She quickly finished what she’d not managed to complete the night before while she ate, and was thankful that her place on the Peoples Counsel was largely mediatory; a source of moral reference, a guide for the discussion (and occasionally a referee).
Kahlan knew her near-exhaustion did not go unnoticed. She knew what first alluded to it must have been plain on her face, but it was only further demonstrated in her demeanor. True, she remained calm and composed as any good Mother Confessor (or any Confessor) should, but her tolerance for trivialities was shorter than anyone had ever seen it. When a member of the counsel became needlessly longwinded, self-aggrandizing, or particularly snide, she would cut them off (or cut them down when the situation called for it). Showboating was the last thing she had the patients for. When the representative from Thrice started listing all that his region had (and thus had to lose), she interrupted mid-monologue with some very cut-and-dry observations of fact. He looked rather cowed, and stayed quite for some time after.
Despite the Mother Confessor’s strict control over the meeting, it still went on for hours. It was a delicate situation, and was perhaps one of the most significant pieces of legislature brought before the Peoples Counsel since the D’Haran Empire had become an ally rather than an enemy. Everyone at the table knew it would not be settled in a day, and they would have to review, rewrite, and send a counter-proposal back to Richard before any of it became finalized. However, the topic was of such importance that it trumped any other subject, and the members of the Counsel would not want to forego the other matters important to its people for long.
It was well past a reasonable hour by the time the Mother Confessor agreed that they’d reached a suitable place to stop for the day. They’d gone nearly three hours longer than usual, dinner had to be provided, and yet still a few wished to carry on. Not it was Kahlan who felt more dead than alive. As she left the Hall of Law, both Marcus and Emerilo were flanking the Confessor at either side as she trudged back to her wing of the palace. She knew Lilly had to be at bed by now. When they reached the corridor of her private rooms, Marcus and Emerilo stopped at their usual stations before each giving her a nod as she passed. She smiled tiredly at them, and thanked them each with a nod in return.
Deciding that she could not possibly risk returning to her bedchamber, Kahlan went directly into Cara’s room. It was alight, clean, and empty. Frowning in confusion, she glanced under the door to Lilly’s room and saw that it was indeed dark; Lilly was asleep. Leaving to head back to her rooms through the hall, she hoped that wherever the Mord’Sith was, she didn’t think Kahlan was avoiding her. When she passed through the antechamber and into her room, she saw the familiar image of her blonde companion leaning near the fire, one arm braced against the mantle as she gazed into the flames.
The Mother Confessor allowed herself a moment to soak in the sight, knowing how close it had come to her never again seeing something that she had taken for granted. But, after the events of the night before, her eyes saw details now in a way they would have never noticed even just days ago. The soft, feminine lines of the muscles in her arm as she leaned, and the way it curved her back… The way the vest of her former leathers showed just how lithe of torso she was, and how almost delicate her neck appeared in the firelight… The way the breaches hugged her rear and her legs was enough to draw her attention for hours, even - but the wide, bright eyes in that beautiful face were the hardest details to ignore. The Mord’Sith didn’t see the fire burning right in front of her; she saw through it, and past it, and to a place so far away the Confessor wondered how long it would take Cara to completely return.
Kahlan continued into the room, unhurried, and watched as the Mord’Sith seemed to stir herself out of her musings. Cara straightened, folding her arms across her chest, before turning to lean her back against the side of the fireplace. Kahlan lowered herself into the blonde’s usual chair by the hearthside, and tried not to look too relieved at the plush feel of it, and the comfort of the fire so close.
“What did Zedd say?” Kahlan asked quietly. She knew they were to discuss why Cara had done what she’d done, but she doubted that even the Mord’Sith knew how she’d managed to survive it. However, the Confessor hoped that Zedd might have a more clear idea now that he’d spoken to the blonde. But the other woman just shrugged, almost looking bored.
“I didn’t pay attention to most of it,” Cara began, “After the fourth time he called me an idiot - or some equivalent - I started to tune out. Though I do remember whatever he was saying had been rather unnecessarily loud, however.” Kahlan held in a slight chuckle at this, though she had to bite her lip to keep from grinning. She blamed her extreme weariness. Cara sighed. “You look completely exhausted.” She stated, unapologetically. “Would you like to sleep? We may speak in the morning, if you wish?” she offered. Kahlan shook her head.
“No,” she insisted, the Confessor had waited all day (and it’d been a really hellish day) to have this conversation; she would not wait any longer. “I won’t deny that I am bone-tired, but I’m awake enough for this.” Cara sighed again, her eyes dropping to her arms across her chest.
“I have thought on it all day, Mother Confessor, and I still don’t know what to say to you.” Cara murmured, sounding quite resigned, “I don’t even know where to begin.” Kahlan made herself get up from the chair, standing before the Mord’Sith. The blonde’s eyes started to haze over, losing herself in her thoughts once more, and the Confessor couldn’t stop herself from reaching out.
Kahlan stepped forward until she could grasp Cara’s hips in her hands, and pulled herself close to the Mord’Sith. She could feel the distinct difference in the warmth from the body now so near to her, and the fire beside them. Leaning her head down just slightly, she touched her temple to the crown of that blonde head, and sighed. The Confessor could feel the arms over Cara’s chest relaxing slightly, no longer so tight with frustration, and hoped that this might help calm her companion’s thoughts as well.
Lifting her head, the brunette placed a delicate kiss between the woman’s eyebrows. They scrunched. Kahlan just let herself laugh a little at this. Pulling back, she saw Cara’s face was about as close to indignantly pouting as the Mord’Sith would ever allow it to be. Kahlan just smiled, reaching up to hold a smooth cheek in her hand, and kissed her there again. They softened that time.
“Kahlan,” Cara said, delicately, haltingly, the word coming out almost forced as though she were making herself call the woman by her name rather than her title. She pulled back from the Confessor, far enough that the taller woman could now see her whole face, and Kahlan saw just how sad her eyes looked. But as the blonde took a deep breath, that sadness seemed to fade as it was replaced by a calm coolness. “I don’t regret it.” She said clearly, quietly.
At first Kahlan wanted to smile. The experience had been amazing, moving, incredible; Cara had been so perfect, so gentle and loving. Kahlan cherished it, and knew she always would, despite what followed directly afterward. But the events were still too raw in her memory to be able to remember their lovemaking and not the chaos, panic and heartache that swept her up like a tidal wave just moments after. Kahlan closed her eyes and tried to shake the memory of those eyes that now looked at her so closely, but just hours ago had been so empty and hollow.
“Sure you don’t,” the Confessor laughed, though it was not genuine, “because you survived! You would feel differently if you hadn’t, because you’d be dead, Cara!” She almost shouted. “Or if not that, Confessed- which might actually be worse in some ways!” The Mord’Sith scoffed, and removed herself from the taller woman’s embrace. She walked over the other side of the wide hearth, crossed her arms tightly again, and scowled into the fire once more. “Did you not understand why I was trying to pull you away?” She asked, in disbelief. “What in the name of the Creator were you thinking?” She demanded, walking back into the blonde’s personal space. Cara didn’t even register that she’d seen her move. “Answer me!” She demanded, grabbing the fabric of one of the blonde’s sleeves in her fist and pulling the woman to face her.
“Excuse me for not having a speech prepared, Mother Confessor,” Cara all but growled at her, face hard and angry, “I didn’t think I’d have to explain myself after doing what I did.”
Before Kahlan was even aware that she’d done it, she heard a sharp crack! cut through the air of the room as a hand collided harshly with the blonde’s cheek. Cara’s head barely moved despite the force of it; the Mord’Sith made no noise, and her eyes slipped closed slowly, calmly, as though Kahlan had done nothing more than say something rude. And then a coldness ran through the Confessor’s stomach as she realized; this was nothing to Cara. She was used to being hit, she thought of violence as effective discipline. Pain was something she welcomed because it was familiar, routine; it was care and gentleness that were so strange and foreign to the Mord’Sith.
And Kahlan felt sick as she remembered the promise she’d made to her self long ago, after the Mord’Sith had locked herself in the throne room with the Confessor while she was in the Con Dar… Kahlan swore that she would never raise a hand to Cara to hurt her, not in anger or sadness, not even in jest or rivalry. Now she was just another person who’d taken Cara to her bed and abused her the next day. She knew there was no excuse, and Kahlan was disgusted with herself that something so horrible had come out of her so instinctually. Just because Cara’s used to it doesn’t make it okay, her mind shouted at her.
“You and Richard both,” Cara murmured disdainfully, scoffing again as she turned away from the Confessor, “Your hypocrisy makes learning all these lessons in morals you two keep shoving on me somewhat difficult.”
“What?” Kahlan challenged, hackles rising.
“You heard me, Confessor.” Cara muttered, not even turning to look at the brunette behind her, “You tell me I am free to do as I please, and yet he orders me to stay here and serve you rather than defend my homeland - and him, the person I actually swore to protect!” She groused. “You both insist I have the liberty to live my life as I please and yet you have no idea!” the blonde all but shouted. She grasped the back of the chair in a tight hand, the leather of the seat and her gloves creaking.
“You and Zed were born of the Midlands; you a revered Confessor - now the Mother Confessor - and he the most powerful Wizard in almost three-thousand years! Richard may be half D’Haran, but he spent his entire life behind the Boundary in Heartland! And he never knew the Bond because he is of Rahl blood! Why do you think so many of them have killed their siblings or children? All who bear the blood cannot be bound by the Bond!” She nearly shouted. “None of you know what it’s like, so you cannot claim to understand how it works!” A silence filled the room briefly.
“You tell me I have my freedom, but then rebuke me when I try to exercise it.” Cara laughed bitterly. “Am I only free so long as I use it in the ways you see fit, that are beneficial to you?” she asked angrily, finally turning to face Kahlan. Cara’s face was as angry as the Confessor had ever seen it, her teeth bared and clenched, her eyes hard. “You have no idea what it’s like to be bound to a country from birth, to a man most will never meet. That you won’t be free from the devotion even after their death, because there will only be another. And being Mord’Sith?” The blonde nearly snarled, “The Bond grows ten-fold.” Kahlan swallowed, not sure what to say.
“Cara-”
“I don’t regret what I did, Kahlan, and you cannot reprimand me.” Cara intoned evenly, slowly, the danger of her words not easy to miss.
“Do you know what it’s like, to spend nearly your whole life knowing the only man you can ever love is the one that had you kidnapped from your family, ruthlessly tortured, bent into a monster, ordered to do terrible and unforgivable things - often to your own people - and all the while knowing you are expendable, and almost meaningless?” The Mord’Sith asked. “That you are nothing more than a weapon, and the only value you could ever achieve is through becoming the worst, and the hardest, and the most ruthless? And that often your ‘reward’ for such accomplishments is to be taken into his bedchamber, and…” she trailed off, biting her lip as though to keep from saying something that would upset the Confessor. Kahlan already felt tears gathering in her eyes.
The blonde heaved a sigh, and twisted her neck sharply, the quiet popping sounding loud in the still room. Cara moved to stand in front of the fireplace again, one hand braced against the mantle, the other grasping the hilt of one of her daggers. Kahlan knew it was reflexive; despite the years that’d passed since carrying her Agiels, the blonde still often reached for them in an effort to center herself. The Confessor hated that such a thing was so deeply ingrained in her friend, that she still reached for pain as comfort, and that it was because of Kahlan she would find only the inanimate and apathetic handles of her daggers instead.
“My life is here with you now, Confessor,” Cara said quietly, her eyes no longer detached or hazy, if anything they appeared focused. “I have found the closest thing I can recall feeling like happiness with this life. But it was not enough.” Kahlan bowed her head, eyes on the floor. She wondered how she could have missed Cara’s affection for her, her devotion and care. Looking back, she knows that the only was she could have, was by choosing to ignore it. Kahlan can’t imagine what Cara had gone through after all this time by her side. She idly wondered how long the Mord’Sith had waited to hear and share in what had passed between them just the night before.
“I did not ask to be born of D’Hara, I didn’t choose to be Mord’Sith,” Cara said clearly, “and for the first time in my life I was making a choice for me.” Kahlan looked up and saw that the blonde’s eyes were closed, her jaw tight. “I wanted to know what it felt like. To love someone. Someone that I chose, who I wanted, who I found worthy.” She said, her voice slightly rough with emotion. “And I failed.”
Kahlan felt like she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The Mord’Sith just tried to take deep breaths, to calm herself, to regain her self-control.
“It would have killed you, Cara,” Kahlan whispered. The blonde’s eyes snapped open, alight again with anger as they turned to look at her.
“So what!” She shouted, “You complained and moaned about not being able to consummate your love with Richard - I couldn’t even love someone if I wanted to! You think being able to be intimate with someone is precious? Trying having that taken away from you, Confessor! That the only man you can love beats you, uses you, cares nothing for you, and after he dies? The next one is madly in love with someone else, and won’t even touch you!” she shouted. Kahlan felt herself trembling. “I wanted to love someone! Me! My choice! You obviously have no idea how precious it is because you’ve never known a life without it! Some things are worth dying for!” She all but bellowed.
Kahlan raised a hand to cover her mouth, not wanting to let herself sob, though her eyes closed and she felt tears leak out down her cheeks.
“Confessor,” Cara sighed, her tone angry and exasperated, “You cannot possibly understand.” The Mord’Sith threw herself down into the chair, hear face in her hand as she rested her elbow on its arm, and closed her eyes. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve died, Confessor?” She asked, almost casually. “Do you know how many times I died even before they finished my breaking?”
“This isn’t just dying, Cara, it’s a torturous death that you cannot come back from!” Kahlan pleaded, her tears evident in her voice. Cara stayed as she was.
“Do you know what it’s like to hang from your wrists, for weeks?” She asked, tone still cool and unaffected, “To be beaten, just to be beaten, to suffer just so they can see you suffer? Yes, it makes you harder, stronger, and compliant; it makes you Mord’Sith… but you’re still just a child. Naked, confused, and in agony… If you cry, they beat you more. They don’t speak to you, they only taunt you. They brutalize you, again and again. And when you finally give out, and you let yourself die, the release is only for a moment.” She sighed tiredly. “When they bring you back, you may be healed, but then as punishment for not holding out longer, for giving in to weakness, they abuse you even more… Then they do it again. And again. And again, until you can withstand more than your Mistress can give you. Until you are Mord’Sith.”
Kahlan felt like she was going to be sick. She couldn’t help imagining Cara, as a nine-year-old child, being brutalized the way Richard had been as a grown man. And he’d only suffered for a few days. And all this, after they’d locked Cara in a cell full of rats, manipulated her into killing her father, and then told her they loved her and cared for her - that they were only doing this to make her strong, to make her a part of a ‘better family’.
“Being tortured to death isn’t so bad,” Cara murmured flatly, “especially if you know you can’t be woken up from it, that you will never have to suffer again.” She finally opened her eyes to look at Kahlan, but didn’t even blink at the open emotion and heartbreak on the Confessor’s face. “I’d spend my last, torturous moments of life in mortal agony if I could spend it loving the person I want, knowing complete devotion to them,” she closed her eyes again. “But I can’t even have that.” She muttered bitterly.
“And if you had been Confessed?” Kahlan sobbed. Cara just shrugged, her entire posture oddly defeated.
“I can barely remember a time in my life when I was not the servant of someone else’s will. I know you, and I trust you, and I would much rather be bound to you if I am to be here and serve you anyway, Mother Confessor… There is a kind of release in such a life. Everything is clear, you have a purpose, and you never doubt. When every choice is your own to make, the burden can be suffocating.” She huffed.
“You would make me your executioner? You would force my hand?” Kahlan asked, her hurt clear as glass.
That caused Cara’s eyes to open, her whole face to soften, as she looked to Kahlan. Her gaze dropped sadly, swallowing before slowly getting to her feet. She made no move to touch the taller woman, but she did move to stand before her.
“You told me to trust you,” Kahlan accused, “You made me believe you’d had a solution, that you knew what you were doing!” Cara’s eyes cut to the side, ashamed.
“For that I am sorry,” She vowed quietly. “As much as you may not want to hear it, I never thought I’d have to look you in the face after abusing your trust like that.” She closed her eyes, and Kahlan wondered if she expected to be hit once more. “Confession is absolute. Not even Richard could survive it, and you two created a new Stone of Tears! I never thought I’d have to do this, live with betraying you like that; I though at most I would have to spend the rest of my life in service to you, and perhaps that might be some small reparation.” Cara muttered, sounding overcome herself with all that’d happened. She moved to walk past the Confessor, before stopping just beside her.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” Cara said quietly, “But I cannot regret what I did. I saw no other way,” She sighed, “I just couldn’t wait any longer.”
She moved quickly to the door leading out into the hall. She didn’t look back, but her steps were not as sure as Kahlan usually knew them to be. Her haste wasn’t from a purposefulness, but rather uneasiness with everything that’d been said; that she’d said.
Kahlan had never seen Cara run away from anything before.
((Well, there are a few more answers. And, yes, there are still more to come. Sorry for all the angst and violence and operatic emotional madness herein… But it had to be done, and this has been the core of this plot since I knew what the plot was. Also! I really want our ladies to be happy together, so this chapter was SO HARD to get out into text! I’m sorry it took this long, but I didn’t want to see them suffer - and I certainly didn’t want to be the one to do it!))
~ AngelicSinner / VixenRaign