Fic: Privacy, A Series of Scenes
“Cara?” The Mord’Sith gave no reply; not a word, not a grunt, not even a slight twitch. “Cara?” Kahlan shouted again, pulling herself until she was kneeling right before the other woman. “Cara,” She almost sobbed, reaching a hand to her shoulder, shaking her, but she did not move. The Blonde’s face was flat to the mattress, she did not even turn her head to breathe, Kahlan had noticed. Panicking, she flipped Cara over, her body’s weight lifeless. “Cara!” She shouted, her voice angry, somehow sure that she could scare the other woman awake, but it did nothing.
Kahlan took the woman’s throat in her hand, trying so hard to keep it from shaking so she might feel a pulse. She felt none, but insisted to herself she must be wrong. She pressed her ear tightly to the still woman’s chest. She waited, for long moments, the quiet of the body beneath her terrifying. She forced herself to hold her breath, to not make a sound. She heard a thunk, barely there, it’s answering beat slow to reply, but it was followed by another; the pace was steady, but deadly sluggish. Kahlan suddenly thought she might be sick with relief, not helped by her own self-disgust that she’d put Cara in… whatever sort of state this was.
The Confessor moved her ear right next to the blonde’s nose, her breathing so slow it could not be heard except when exhale would turn to inhale, and then back. The breaths were too slow for sleep even, and too shallow to be sufficient to sustain life it seemed. Kahlan raised a hand to the woman’s face, her thumb pulling up one of the blonde’s eyelids. The pupil was blown so wide only a sliver of shocking green could be seen around its edges. It also did not contract when it was revealed to the light of the room. Kahlan checked the other. It was the same. When she released the eyelids they did not slip shut instantly, either; more as though it was the slow pull of gravity that drew them down only.
The Mother Confessor was shaking, her breathing was fast and shallow and uneven, her face started to tingle in her panic and her stomach felt like it had rabid dogs rolling around fighting in it. She shook the blonde more forcefully, pinched the soft flesh of her forearm, and still nothing. Her mind raced, sickening thoughts tromping through her head like some sort of uncoordinated parade of nightmares… She shot up out of bed, the sight of Cara’s prone and apparently lifeless body so close was keeping her from focusing. She felt her shift on the floor under her foot, and threw it over her head. It nearly fell right down past her waist because the collar had been torn so wide. She grasped it shut in her free hand and bolted out of the room.
When she made it back into her chambers, she had to clamp a hand down over her mouth. She wasn’t sure if it was to keep herself from being sick or to hold in a sob that would surely wake her daughter if it escaped.
Oh Spirits, Lilly, Kahlan thought, Lilly can’t see her like this- I have to fix this!
The Confessor all but dove into one of her white dresses, yanking her boots on so hard she was sure she scraped one of her heals as it went in. She was still lacing up the front of her dress when she flew out the door into the hall.
“Marcus!” She called. The guard at the end of the hall turned to her, and her appearance must have revealed something of her state, because he rushed to her just as she was trying to get to them.
“Mother Confessor, what is it?” he asked quickly, his concern obvious.
“Marcus, go and collect the first wizard Zorrander, now,” She said urgently, “Whatever it takes, do you understand? Bring him to the Mother Confessor’s head-office in the Keep-promise food, wine, just get him there! Carry him if you must; tell him it’s urgent, now!” He took of at a run, the scabbard of his sword could be heard clanking as he darted away. She turned to Emerilo.
“Mother Confessor, is everything alright?” He asked urgently. Were he anyone else, his forwardness would be rude, but he and Marcus were perhaps some of her closest protectors besides Cara herself.
“Stay here, watch Lilly, but do not wake her. Let her sleep as long as she can, but stay out here; if she wakes up and you’re in her room she’ll become worried or even scared.” She warned, “If you hear her wake, go into her room and tell her that I had to go, but I will be back as soon as I can. Keep her company, tell her she doesn’t have to go to her lessons, just keep her calm, alright?” The man nodded quickly. Kahlan moved to leave.
“Mother Confessor,” Emerilo cut in quickly, before she got too far. She turned to look at him, and he seemed to pause. She widened her eyes, conveying her impatience. He cleared his throat. “Mistress Cara returned to her rooms a few hours ago,” He began, trying to regain the stoic professionalism of an elite soldier. “I have not seen her leave since then.” Kahlan’s gaze dropped to the floor. She took a few short paces back towards him, her voice dropping considerably.
“She is not well,” She insisted haltingly, “Do not let Lilly into her rooms, I do not wish for her to…” She trailed off, rubbing her forehead. “I must go.” She insisted, and took off at a fast pace.
Kahlan had forgotten, perhaps, that she was the Mother Confessor, this was her Palace, and these were her servants and subjects that lived here. She was not reminded of this until she saw the look of almost shock on the face of a young girl moving about the hall to extinguish candles for the coming morning. She slowed her pace greatly, tried to regain her propriety, and masked her face with the expression of a Confessor. The girl looked away from her, perhaps out of nerves, being alone in a long hall, so very early in the morning, with the Mother Confessor-and her obvious distress. Just as Kahlan was about to pass her, she stopped.
“What is your name?” She asked, forcing her voice to be calm, both for her sake, and this frightened girl. Her eyes widened.
“Nayla,” She murmured, “Mother Confessor.” As though afraid speaking too loud would offend her.
“Nayla?” She began, crouching slightly; the girl was perhaps fourteen at most, “I would like you to do something for me. Would you please go to the kitchens, and ask that a very large breakfast of foods and drink be brought to the Confessor’s Office in the Wizards Keep? Can you do that for me, Nayla?” The girl nodded quickly. “Good, as quickly as you can. You know where the kitchens are?” The girl nodded again. Kahlan stood up again, and the girl shot down the hall like a fox chased by hunters. The Confessor too hurried back to her task.
Kahlan was glad it was so early; she encountered almost no other people about the castle on her way to the Keep. But as she walked the familiar halls, her mind mocked her with memories of the last time she’d needed to seek Zedd on such matters. She cursed herself, remembering how she’d hated that she’d allowed herself to do something so foolish… Now she wondered how she could have let it happen again. And so much worse, she thought, and felt her vision blur.
The morning after her and Richard’s wedding, there had been another small celebration. Mostly it had consisted of what gathered family they had, and those friends that were as good as family to them. Richard and she had smiled, accepted toasts, congratulations, and the odd gentle, salacious ribbing. But Zedd had kept a close watch on them, and smiled about as much through the entire thing as Cara; almost not at all, and none that the Confessor could call genuine. Richard tried to hide his discomfort, as his head had still been throbbing, and Kahlan was glad she’d held her tongue when she’d considered asking him to cut his hair before they had gotten married; the length helped hide the bruise. Zedd’s concern had been palpable, no doubt worsened by the vague and cryptic nature of Kahlan’s message, more so than that he had gotten a message at all. He’d not been able to keep from pulling Kahlan aside for long.
Kahlan had really wished that he’d waited, thinking about what she’d done to Richard made her eyes burn, and she struggled to keep a smile on her face, to keep from alarming her guests, as she and the wizard spoke in hushed tones. Zedd had looked floored by the news, the usually chatty man rendered speechless. The guilt as it overtook his shocked expression was both a balm to Kahlan’s own guilt, and enough to forgive Zedd in her heart before he’d even asked. She could tell, he had so genuinely believed, had been so sure they would be safe… He excused himself from the celebration shortly thereafter, and Kahlan knew he’d headed straight for the Keep.
Kahlan had found him there that evening, hours later, after saying goodbye to the last of their departing guests. He had looked so frail to her suddenly, and somehow she realized just how remarkable it was that he’d made the two-year journey along side them. He had been leaning over the great, wide desk in the First Wizard’s Study, papers strewn everywhere, nearly a dozen books open, a few pages with notes on them lined up on the window’s sill, no longer illuminated in the evening’s dusk. He looked up when she approached, his eyes tired and sad.
Despite the short amount of time he’d had to work with, Zedd had come to some rather clear conclusions about why Richard had been spared Confession at the foot of the Pillars of Creation, but not after his union with Kahlan. He had shown her to the window’s ledge, and her eyes read the pages lain out before her. Each one contained one of the prophecies that the Creator had handed down, ones that had been meant for Richard and Kahlan on their quests for the past two years. In his hand, Zedd had held a very old looking book, but one almost any school child of the Midlands would have been familiar with; the story of the world’s creation. This one, however, also held the scholarly interpretations of some of the most respected theologians throughout history.
“In the time before remembering, the Creator was alone.” The Wizard had begun, “And so created for Herself a companion, the one who would become the Keeper. And they were happy, and they loved, and together they made themselves a home, the world. And at the center of this, they lived, and built themselves a house; the Pillars of Creation. And as they lived, and looked out on the earth they had made together, the Creator wished to share Her happiness and Her love, and the gift of the beauty of their world with others. And so She made the birds, the beasts, the plants that grow, and scattered them in their plenty to the corners of the world.
“And when She showed Her companion Her creations, He asked that He might shape the world as well. And so were born the Shadren, the Gar, the Dark Beasts of the world. And though She feared, the Creator loved Her companion, and wanted Him to shape this world they had made together. And so together they made the race of man, in a likeness of themselves, and named them their children. And it was He that said unto Her; Creator, if you love your creations, you will let them know the happiness that we have known in the creation of life, and allow them to propagate on their own. And She smiled at His thoughtfulness, and asked that He be the one to give them such a gift. And so it was He that gave the world the power of creation, of new life, and in so doing, gave them also the curse of death.
“And as She watched Her creations grow old, and find sickness, and endure injuries, the Creator asked Her companion why He would do this. He said that there must be balance; there cannot be new life without death, that if there is creation then there must also be destruction. And so He had created the Underworld, hidden beneath the earth He and the Creator had made, and showed Her the land of His creation. And She saw that it was all that Her world was not; where Her place had light, His had dark, where Her creations could know love, in His world they could find only suffering. And so She came to grieve Her companion, her First Creation, and asked Him why He would want to harm their creations. And He told Her then that He did not like her creations, and preferred this world when it was theirs alone. His jealousy, His bitterness, was inflicted upon her children. And the Creator knew once something was created, it could not be unmade.
“And though She loved Him, She could not let Him harm those innocents that She had created. And as the Creator wept, She sealed Him in the realm below, to be kept forever in the dark world of his creation; Keeper of the Underworld. And as She wept, Her heart became hard, and felt profound sorrow for Her mistakes, and for hurting the one She loved most, and knowing She would never see him again. Her tears became hard as stone, and upon the alter of their home did She place this stone to remind Her of the danger of the power of creation, but also the power of true love. And never again did She set foot in that house they had made, and no longer could She dwell in the world they had created, and retreated. And in Her watchful eye do we creations live, with Her many gifts our blessings, and our devotion and love for Her our greatest protection.”
When Zedd had finished reading, he had looked to her carefully. He explained that never before had there been so many prophecies believed to be meant for just one Seeker, and drew her attention to one page on the ledge in particular. “As long as the Mother Confessor’s pure heart beats, the Keeper is doomed to fail,” it read. It had been the first new prophecy sent from the Creator herself in nearly a thousand years, and had appeared upon the walls the same morning Kahlan and Cara had set out to the Palace of the Prophets to find Richard, and where the Compass’ guidance suddenly changed to lead them as well. Zedd made an attempt at a dry joke, saying he doubted when people said “may the Creator love and watch over you”, most prayers were not so dutifully answered.
Zedd believed that the Creator had intervened on Richard’s behalf. That when Nicci had stolen Kahlan’s Confessor magic, and used it against her, her heart then became “impure”, as the power of love that the Confessor wields became twisted and corrupted. And so, with the pure power of love that the Creator felt for all of life, her world and her creations, she protected Richard with that love inside him. And it was watching him die, professing love and forgiveness that had freed Kahlan from the Con Dar; her heart once again becoming pure. And so, through Kahlan, there at the Pillars of Creation where the first Stone of Tears had been made, in a sorrowful, mourning love much like the Creator herself had felt, a new Stone was formed.
When Zedd had told her this, Kahlan’s vision had started to blur. The Wizard placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and his consoling gaze only made it harder for the Confessor to keep from crying. The unspoken message had been clear; Richard’s love was not powerful enough to save him from Confession, there was something that he loved more than her. Zedd had tried to comfort her, saying that even if there was something he loved more, Richard himself probably did not know it. It could have been something as innate as a desire to live, to breathe, some natural instinct of self-preservation. Kahlan could just shake her head, and had forced a sad smile on her face. She knew that Zedd was right, and reprimanded herself for so foolishly believing that anything short of divine intervention could have been the cause, that only the pure, immortal love of the Creator for all life could be profound enough to subjugate her power of Confession.
Now, Kahlan wondered, as she made her way into the private offices of the Mother Confessor in the Wizards Keep, how she would explain to Zedd what had happened. Despite their very rough beginning, and though very rarely outwardly expressed, both the Wizard and the Mord’Sith cared for one another. For all the reasons they should not, Zedd knowing he was powerless against Cara and that she could steal his magic if she so wished, or the blonde’s discomfort with magic, they were family and recognized one another as such. How could Kahlan explain that, despite Zedd having told her that no one was safe from her magic, she had released it onto someone they both loved, someone it should have killed horribly…
The Mother Confessor leaned her forehead against the wide bay window, and closed her eyes. Waiting for Zedd to arrive was torturous. Every second she had to wait could mean that Cara was slipping further away, or trapped, and suffering, and her heart ached terribly. And yet she could not think of a way to explain to Zedd what had happened, or why it had happened, or how she had allowed it to happen. Zedd was Richard’s grandfather, he had come to think of her as his granddaughter, Lilly was his family... She was fairly sure he would always think of herself and Richard as meant to be; so how could Kahlan possibly tell him what had occurred between herself and Cara?
When the sound of the door opening finally broke through her jumbled thoughts, Kahlan felt a tendril of panic shoot down her back; she still had no explanation to offer the wizard. When Confessor turned around she was met with the sight of a very groggy looking Zedd, and Marcus, standing in the door behind him with a questioning look on his face. Kahlan swallowed, and tried to calm herself for what needed to be done.
“Thank you Marcus,” Kahlan offered quickly, “You may return to your post. Emerilo will inform you of my further instructions.” He nodded, and closed the door. She looked at Zedd, who even in his drowsiness and disorientation was clearly concerned. She looked away. Kahlan placed a hand on the arm of the closest chair, and slowly lowered herself into it.
“Gracious, child,” his rumbling voice said delicately, “What on earth is going on?” Kahlan pressed her hands together in front of her mouth, trying to take a deep and calming breath. She felt her lip tremble and pressed her fingers there to keep it from shaking. The wizard looked thoroughly more awake, and downright frightened. He sat in the chair next to hers, his gaze alert. She felt her eyes start to burn with coming tears and shut them tightly. It did no good.
“I confessed Cara.” Kahlan breathed out, barely even a whisper. It felt like every muscle in her torso seized up, almost to the point where she felt like it could crush her own ribs. She refused to let herself cry, to sob, to breakdown into useless tears. She came here to fix this, to ask Zedd’s help; there would be time later to fall apart, but now she had to find a way to fix this. The Confessor finally looked at Zedd, and saw his face ashen and slack with shock. “What do I do?” she asked, just as quietly. Zedd’s eyes became somber, as he moved to lay a hand on her shoulder.
“Kahlan,” He began, his voice oddly hollow when it so obviously wished to be comforting, “There’s nothing you can do,” he told her gently. “Cara is… She’s gone, Kahlan. A Mord’Sith cannot be brought back.” Her eyes filled with tears, knowing that Cara was in all likelihood, beyond saving. She let out a ragged breath.
“I don’t understand, child,” He turned more towards the Confessor in his seat, “Were you… fighting? Was there-was it an accident?” He stammered, obviously staggered by the news. Kahlan closed her eyes, and felt her jaw tighten until her teeth ached in protest. She swallowed, hoping Zedd would forgive her for what she’d done. “Oh. I see.” He murmured quietly. Kahlan’s eyes snapped open, turning to look him in the face. Zedd had been looking out the window, until he noticed her gaze. He smiled gently at her, though it was still sad.
“What?” She gasped quietly, breathless. He moved his hand from her shoulder to her cheek briefly.
“Her devotion to you was, quite obvious Kahlan,” he said gently. “The way she was, when she was with you? That she cared for you more than she wished to… Cara was a sweet girl, and wanted so much for you to be happy.” He sighed sadly, his own eyes becoming a bit hazy.
“You knew? You knew that she cared for me?” She asked, incredulous. Zedd gave her a soft look, something between apology and conciliation. Now it was the Confessor’s turn to be quite shocked. “She is not dead.” She blurted suddenly.
“What?” Zedd asked, disbelief on his face. Kahlan looked to him suddenly.
“When I Confessed her, something happened,” She began, running a hand through her hair distractedly. “She just-” Kahlan waved her hands in a manner indicating that Cara had just dropped. “She just collapsed!” She almost shouted, “She fell, and when I came out of it, she was weak and confused and she asked for forgiveness and then just…!” She waved her hands again.
“She is not dead?” Zedd asked again, needing to be sure. Kahlan shook her head quickly, distractedly.
“She didn’t beg, or cry, didn’t shout,” She rambled, “Just asked forgiveness and then I couldn’t wake her! I shook her, it didn’t even seem like she was breathing, she barely had a pulse-” The Confessor almost coughed out a shocked laugh, completely devoid of humor. “Her eyes wouldn’t respond to light, they could barely even close themselves-she seemed more dead than alive.” She felt her panic return.
“But she is not dead?” He demanded, shocked.
“No, just… I don’t know what!” The Kahlan did shout. “Whatever’s wrong with her she’s stuck like that,” She demanded. “Zedd, please, you must help me undo this,” She begged. The wizard nodded quickly. “I don’t want Lilly seeing her like this, especially if she can’t be…” She trailed off, getting up from the chair and heading towards the door.
“Wait,” Zedd said, getting up from his own chair as the Confessor had pulled open the door. “Have her body brought to my study,” He instructed, “Whatever she’s trapped in must be powerful, I’ll examine her and I can have whatever I may need on hand.” Kahlan nodded. “But whatever is at work here may be beyond my own powers to undo, Kahlan.” He warned gravely. “If need be I can summon some of the other wizards, and perhaps we may be enough.” The younger woman nodded as Zedd followed behind her as she opened the door. When they reached the end of the corridor, the separated; Zedd to his Study, and Kahlan back to her chambers.
She could barely remember the walk back to her area of the castle, it was a meaningless blur. The was well past dawn now, more people were awake, and yet somehow Kahlan cared even less than before that her appearance of distress and haste might be cause for curious observers. When the Mother Confessor reached her own halls, she hurried through to her chambers and was glad to see that both Marcus and Emerilo were still standing watch outside. She muttered a quick ‘thank you’ as she passed, heading directly into Cara’s room.
The bed was empty.
Kahlan’s heart started beating with such force, it felt like someone was tightening their fist around it with every palpitation. She looked and saw that the connecting door to Lilly’s room was open, and the child could be heard moving around inside. The Confessor panicked, she prayed to the Creator that her daughter hadn’t found Cara. Pulling the door open quickly, the hinges squeaked, and two pairs of eyes shot towards her.
“Ehma!” Lilly shouted happily, running to her and leaping up into her arms. Kahlan was so shocked, she almost didn’t catch her daughter. She held the girl tight to her chest, the waves of relief falling over her almost dizzying. She sighed almost raggedly, her eyes closing.
“It’s good to see you, Darling,” Kahlan sighed. The girl pulled back a little and laughed. A long string of syllables fell from the child’s lips in a conspirator smile, her amusement obvious.
Kahlan in her disorientation understood none of it. She was too overwhelmed with seeing Cara, who was kneeling on the floor next to Lilly’s bed, one of her small shoes still in hand. Cara looked uncomfortable, and slowly moved to stand. Lilly frowned, looking from her mother to Cara and back.
“She’s telling you about how she found me over-sleeping,” Cara offered somewhat awkwardly. “And, fully clothed.” Lilly giggled again, looking to her mother. Kahlan licked her lips and blushed profusely.
“That was very silly of her,” She laughed nervously, “She must have been very tired.” Lilly nodded, still amused. Kahlan glanced to Cara, still holding the one shoe in her hand, trying to hide her discomfort. “Lilly, why don’t you finish getting dressed; I need to speak to Cara for a few minutes.” Lilly nodded, and the Confessor put her down gently. Cara kneeled down again and helped her into her little shoe before standing up to face the Mother Confessor. She followed her into Kahlan’s bed-chamber. No sooner had she gently closed the door behind them than did the brunette throw herself at the blonde. Cara’s whole body tightened, frozen, and Kahlan just squeezed her harder. It almost hurt, but Cara endured it. When she felt the Confessor start to shake with the force of her embrace, the Mord’Sith raised a hand to her back gently the touch almost ghostly. Kahlan just shook harder, her breathing becoming uneven, and Cara knew she’d started crying, finally moving to hold her back.
“Thank the spirits,” the Confessor all but sobbed, her breath stuttering as she couldn’t help an almost hysterical laugh of relief.
~AngelicSinner / VixenRaign
((Well, there are the answers you’ve been waiting (obscenely long) for. I will now submit to your heavy criticism of my explanation and ideas, and hope that you will come to forgive me (especially if you keep reading). Also? More answers to come.))