Fic: Privacy, A Series of Scenes
What are you doing, Kahlan… Her mind asked herself. The Mother Confessor shook her head, and finally just put her quill down. She was writing a reply to Richard, after having received and read his letter from that morning, giving him news on their daughter’s progress. She found herself including stories, realizing many of them had to do with Cara. But, as she thought back, she realized that many of the tales she’d pass on to her daughter’s father were about adventures, mishaps and milestones that Cara had been there for or a part of. Lilly’s first steps, the first word she spoke (once they realized she was speaking, though in her own language), her birth even- all were those great parenting milestones, and all had been with Cara.
Kahlan didn’t hesitate to tell Richard of the events of Lilly’s life and never had, nor whom they were with. No, what gave her hesitation, what had kept her quill, ready with ink, rolling between her fingers unsurely, were the questions that bubbled to the front of her mind about the Mord’Sith herself. Kahlan sighed, rubbing her hands over her face. She knew Richard and Cara had a different sort of friendship, they understood one another in a way that was wholly different than her own relationship with the blonde. But she couldn’t seem to resist the impulse to ask him about their mutual friend…
Kahlan picked up her quill again, signed the parchment, and burnt and stamped her seal onto the bottom. She folded it up, sealed it again in an envelope, and left it atop her desk on a tray to go out when her rooms were seen to the next morning. She knew she was being silly. If Kahlan wanted to know something about Cara, she should ask Cara, not Richard! She knew the blonde would answer to the best of her ability… But that’s the problem, Kahlan’s mind thought, Cara isn’t the best at understanding or articulating her feelings… And that’s what I most want to know about, to ask, to understand. She sighed, picked up her top-quilt and went to sneak through Lilly’s rooms yet again.
When Kahlan closed the door behind her, she saw that Cara was oiling her leather vest as she sat on her cinder-catch. The blonde smiled at the Confessor when she saw it was her entering her rooms so quietly. Her green eyes fell back to the work in her hands, but the smile remained. Kahlan felt a lightness flutter in her chest at this and tried to resist it. The brunette moved to throw her quilt over the bed before climbing in. As she shuffled up next to the headboard, pulling the covers with her, Kahlan watched as the Mord’Sith diligently treated the remains of her once beloved uniform. Kahlan’s mind flashed back to the day it’d been ruined, she could remember it very clearly; she’d been the one to do the ruining.
“Cara?” She asked quietly. The blonde made a hummed noise of acknowledgement. “May I ask you something?” Cara looked up, her smile becoming somewhat of a smirk. Kahlan tilted her head, a small and knowing smile on her lips now as well. Cara just chuckled, eyes back on her vest.
“What do you want to know?” Kahlan paused. The truth was she did not have any specific questions in mind, merely a general curiosity. The Confessor looked at Cara, searching for something that would spark a question. She realized that with the way the Mord’Sith was sitting, with her legs crossed like that, there was an abundance of leg left to be taken in by the eye. Her mind derailed. The silence must have gone on too long.
“Mother Confessor?” Cara asked slowly. When her eyes snapped back to green ones, now looking back at her, Kahlan could tell she’d been caught staring. She bit her lip, her face flushing. She offered a sheepish smile. Cara just grinned amusedly, her hands still working though her gaze remained.
“Cara?” She hazarded again, “What do you find most attractive about women?” she asked quietly. Cara sighed, putting her vest down and standing up. She moved to her washbowl almost leisurely and cleaned her hands, wiping them off before hanging the cloth by the grate to dry. The blonde fed more wood into the fire, building it up until I rose so high as to fill the whole of the hearth. When the Mord’Sith turned around she had a somewhat worried and contemplative look on her face. Cara sat on the edge of their shared bed, looking at the Confessor solemnly.
“Is your attraction to me confusing you, worrying you?” She asked gently. Kahlan blushed almost achingly, feeling silly for being so transparent. She’d told Cara of her attraction to her nearly two weeks ago now, and though there had been a few knowing glances when Kahlan’s eyes would linger or her thoughts would wonder when they were speaking… But, for the most part, there had been little to no change in their relationship; as though this were just one more thing for Cara to rib her good-naturedly about. It was almost infuriating at times, that the blonde could be so blasé about something so significant to Kahlan. But then the Confessor would remind herself of how much she could have lost, how much could have gone wrong, if she’d taken it badly.
“I see,” Cara muttered, her gaze falling to her knees where her legs still hung over the side of the bed.
“No!” Kahlan insisted suddenly, realizing her blushing and silence must have led the blonde to interpret that as a ‘yes’. “I just mean,” She stopped, not sure what she’d meant herself. She sighed, her eyes falling to her own lap, feeling completely lost. “I just want to know why you like women.” She muttered quietly, her eyes closing.
“Why?” Cara asked, curious.
“Because I like you,” She murmured, finally looking up. Cara stared at her. “And, well, you’re a woman, and you like women too,” She shrugged, “I guess I just wanted to know what you like about them.” Cara offered a comforting smile, even if it was still showing hints of amusement.
“Well, for starters?” She offered, pulling up the covers and sliding in next to Kahlan, “They smell much better.” Kahlan let out a short laugh. Cara just smiled at her. “They sweat less, and they’re a lot less hairy. Not a fan of body hair, personally, especially on men. They sweat, and then the smell lingers in their hair and they never smell completely clean,” She pulled a bit of a displeased face. “Body odor is just not very attractive.” Kahlan nodded, grinning now. “And, well, I often find that women smell… nice.” She added, vaguely. “They way they smell, even without perfumes or scents and powders, it just… I don’t know. I find it much more tolerable, even when they do sweat. Perhaps I cannot fully explain it.” She finished, sounding a little annoyed with her limitations even.
“No, I,” Kahlan started, nodding, blushing herself, “I think I understand.” She tried to force the memory of the way smelling the remnants of Cara’s pleasure on the sheets had affected her those few weeks ago; she tried to not think about it- even as her mind tried to draw forward her coveted memory of the scent. When she looked up, she saw Cara had a soft look on her face. “And?”
“And?” Cara asked back, confused.
“Is that all?” Kahlan asked, playfully, “You like women for the way they smell, and that’s it?” Cara nudged her with an elbow and rolled her eyes.
“Legs.” She offered tersely. “I am a great admirer of… legs.” She muttered, almost shyly.
“Legs?” Kahlan asked, wondering if this was going to turn into some joke about how she’d been caught looking at Cara’s own legs before this whole conversation started.
“Yes.” She said seriously. “Men may have a formidable upper-body strength, but most of a woman’s strength is in her legs. They are…” Cara sighed quickly. “It is difficult to explain. Perhaps we should not discuss it.” She offered, scooting down as though to go to bed.
“Why?” Kahlan asked, moving to lie next to her. She noticed that the blonde looked somewhat uncomfortable. “Have I upset you? I didn’t mean to make you-”
“You have not,” Cara cut in, her eyes looking at the Confessor briefly before glancing away again. “I merely don’t know how to explain certain things without upsetting you.”
“Upsetting me?” she asked back, “Why would it upset me?” Cara sighed and closed her eyes.
“Because.” Cara said calmly, solidly, “I like women’s legs because I like feeling them wrapped around me in their pleasure, feeling them tighten about my hips, my back, my neck when they are at release. When I look at them, I think of how they would feel, under my hands and against my skin, the strength in them when their muscles would tighten before shaking and turning weak.” She opened her eyes, and they were staring into Kahlan’s own, as though a warning, as though a challenge, and not a playful one. “I Like women’s lips in imagining them against my own, against my breasts, and… other, more intimate parts of my body.” Kahlan felt her face flush yet again, but refused to look away. “I have a particular fascination with hands as they can reveal the sort of life the woman lives- is she capable, useful, or accustomed to having things done for her; is she lazy, has she lived or forced other to live for her? Are her fingers strong? I’d hope they would be, and long, and slender, and deft.” Here she smirked, “But that is for other purposes entirely.”
Her smile was not friendly, it was almost angry, before Cara finally turned her face away to look at the ceiling. Kahlan could see the muscles in her neck working as she swallowed hard, her breathing, though slow and steady, was audible; the forced pace of it obvious. Cara was upset with herself.
“Cara?” Kahlan asked her gently. Cara didn’t turn to her, didn’t move at all, didn’t show any sign of even hearing her though the Confessor knew she had. “Cara.” She sighed, moving closer.
“Stop it.” She insisted, feeling the Confessor moving to embrace her, but she did nothing to actually stop her. “Stop it, Kahlan.” She said, though if anything the way the blonde curled in on herself made her easier to hold. Cara still didn’t push her away. The Confessor tucked her chin over the blonde’s shoulder, turned away from her, arms wrapped about the torso of the Mord’Sith, breasts to back.
“It’s okay.” She murmured into Cara’s hair, letting the tip of her nose brush behind the woman’s ear. “I’m okay.”
“I don’t know how to talk about this. How to talk to you.” She muttered, still sounding annoyed with herself.
“You do just fine.” Kahlan reassured, giving the woman a firm squeeze around her middle. “How often have we misunderstood one another?” she ventured.
“Do you mean today, or the whole week?” she challenged back, obviously not ready to let go of her annoyance yet. Kahlan just sighed.
“Cara, I just want to know more about you. That’s all.” She pressed her face against the woman’s neck, letting herself take in the scent of the skin there. I think I agree, her mind thought, if only to itself. “We’ve never really talked about this sort of thing before.”
“Because you’d never shown any indication that you even thought of such things before,” Her tone was still somewhat short-tempered, but Kahlan knew better than to think it was aimed at her.
“Well, I do now, and I am. And they’re confusing to me. Even if they were not about… you.” She sighed, “I would still ask you, Cara; I trust you. You don’t lie to me- the worst you do is try not to tell me things. It is hard to be mad at someone whom you know is just trying to protect you.”
“It is not that I think you are weak,” Cara sighed, though Kahlan could still feel the tension in the muscles of the Mord’Sith. “I just do not wish to be the one who must force you to be strong. I… want to be strong for you. You push yourself too hard, the people of the Midlands expect too much from you. I don’t want anything from you, except to maybe lessen your burdens.” She sighed again, and Cara’s body somehow became even more tightly coiled. “You do not like the effect release has on your body - I saw how you were after; you seemed hollow and sad. I don’t want to be the cause of your being in such a state…” The blonde shifted, her hand laying over the one around her stomach. “I wish you would just tell me what it is that I might do that effects you, if only so I would know not to do it.” She muttered.
“Cara, I told you,” Kahlan sighed, laying her forehead against the exposed skin between her shoulders across her upper back. “I don’t want you to change what you do, who you are with me. I just want you to be you, Cara.” The Mord’Sith groaned, almost angrily before turning around in the Confessor’s arms.
“That does not help me, Mother Confessor!” Cara insisted, “All that does is make everything suspect, make me question all that I do! You will make me mad with paranoia before the winter is out!” She sounded frustrated, which Kahlan knew she was. She’d asked such things before, and been denied a clear answer at each turn. Kahlan ducked her head sadly, wishing there was a way to explain.
Kahlan had finally figured out why she was attracted to Cara; because Cara was, and had been, her mate, even what one might call a husband, and a best friend for years now. There was no one closer, that she trusted more, nay-that cared for her more than Cara did! She had made a life with the Mord’Sith, a family, she’d been happy most often, all of these years, because of Cara’s comforting, patient and often aggressively protective presence.
Kahlan could list perhaps a thousand ways in which she was not normal, but the one that was effecting her now was this: Kahlan could not be attracted to someone that she did not already love. And she loved Cara very much. And now, with the walls breaking down, she was also finding herself very attracted to the blonde. But how do I explain that to Cara? She asked herself, rhetorically. She knew she could not. She’d been trying to find the words for months now.
“I’m sorry I’m hurting you like this,” Kahlan murmured, “I just don’t know how to explain. I’m not used to this.”
“Nor I,” Cara grumbled, turning back around, presenting the Confessor with her back. Kahlan bit her lip, until she felt the blonde reach back to wrap her arm around her middle again. The blonde sighed. “I have never had friends before. Now I have two, both of them women, both of whom are attracted to me…” She trailed off, sounding mightily confused and bewildered, “I almost wish I didn’t care so much about either of you, it would certainly simplify things greatly. Then we might all get what we want.” She muttered, settling down to sleep. Kahlan let out a short laugh, though it held a little sadness in it.
“It isn’t anything that you do, per say,” Kahlan tried to explain. “If anything, it’s… more in who you are. Your voice more than what you say, the way you stand more than the way you walk,” She sighed, squeezing her a little closer. She felt Cara’s hand cover her own where it lay over the blonde’s stomach, “The way you want to make me laugh rather than how you make it come about… It is something different every time, Cara. So there is nothing I can tell you to stop doing, except to stop living.” She pulled her close until her lips were right over the ear of the Mord’Sith. “And don’t even think about it, Cara.”
Cara just laughed, her naked hands patting those under her own assuredly, thoroughly amused despite Kahlan having been deadly serious and knowing it.
“As you command, Mother Confessor.” She chuckled.
~ AngelicSinner / VixenRaign