The Gift of Stolen Time - Part 27
Title: The Gift Of Stolen Time
Author: Dark_Kurai
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan, touches of Cara/Dahlia
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Should be none, plays after 2x22.
Summary: Follow-up to A Tear, A Word, A Smile - When Zedd opens a magical portal to ease their travels after the victory against the Keeper, something goes wrong that forces Cara away from the Midlands for some time...
A/N: Soooo, the long awaited (I think) part 27. I had a really hard time with this one, but I can't pinpoint why. Good news is, I'm going to Scotland for 10 days starting friday, which is my first real holiday out of Germany in about... uh... ten years or so. Which means: It's pretty damn overdue! And it also means I'll take my netbook with me and hopefully have some time to flex my writing muscles again if I'm not too tired in the evening. There's so much stuff wanting to be written!
27.
"The good thing is: Noa learned the history of Aydindril."
The mothers raised their eyebrows at the older man. "And...?"
Zedd sighed. "The bad thing is... Noa learned the history of Aydindril."
"You're not making sense anymore, wizard," Cara grumbled.
"In the five months that Noa spend at the palace and got taught by me, the history of Aydindril is the only thing she remembers in great detail... and that's only just because Zane made an impromptu theater with stick figures and strange, made-up accents."
Cara groaned and buried her head in her hands.
That had been about two hours ago and now the Mord'Sith was slamming open the doors to the common room they all regularly used, pacing up and down the stone floor next to the richly adorned carpet with an annoyed frown marring her face.
It took a few seconds to realize that she wasn't alone.
Zane looked up from his place on the window sill, where he sat sprawled before the magnificent view of the lower city part covered in a fresh layer of nightly fallen snow. He was plucking at a violin, seemingly adjusting the strings to achieve the perfect notes.
"What's got you so riled up, Aunti?"
Cara gnashed her teeth. It seemed the advisor had thought long and hard about the last time he had called her 'Mom' and decided with great seriousness that Cara, sadly, could not replace his late mother and that she was much more like a long lost aunt and, of course, integrated that fact with such a glee and happiness in his day-to-day talk, that it was already driving the blonde up the wall. Not that it stopped the younger man.
"Don't call me that," she growled at him, only taking a short glance in his direction.
"Ah, Zedd's been talking to you, hasn't he?" Zane concluded, plucking at a string and producing a clear sound that echoed off the walls. Scrunching up his face, he obviously wasn't content with the result and adjusted it once again at the violin head.
Coming to a stop near the sofa, Cara plopped down on it with a sigh. Strangely enough, even though she wanted to strangle him more times than she could count, it was the most rewarding to talk to him instead of anyone else of her friends. Kahlan was too raw, too deeply depressed about the whole issue and Zedd was as helpful in this as a teaspoon. Talking with Richard -... was the worst idea and would only end in uncomfortable and embarrassing moments. But Zane, he was... for lack of another word, it had the kind of effect as if she was bouncing ideas around in her own mind while talking to him.
Well, minus the sarcastic, biting comments similar to a knife point turning in her flesh. Most times, she was ready to strip someone's skin off after having one of their discussions.
But then she knew he wouldn't blabber around. Having his eyes and ears everywhere that counted, the advisor had a way of keeping secrets and information packed tightly close to him, safely behind these sharp, calculating grey eyes, so unfitting with the rest of his average looks. With a prickle of nostalgic interest in her neck, Cara wondered secretly if his big mouth really was just for show, or if he could withstand a Mord'Sith questioning longer than anticipated.
Another light note ripped her out of her musings.
"They all put hope in the fact that Noa is a Confessor," she began out of nowhere. "Too much hope. For so long Kahlan was suspected to be the last one, then there comes our child, as if she was the answer to all their desperate wishes and prayers." Cara kneaded the knuckles of her fist with a dark look. "But it's not that simple."
"I guess our little wonder girl put everyone's expectations too high without intending to," he said while looking up and gazing at nothing. "They all saw how she can do a double-somersault from a standing position and outmaneuver a dozen guards and suddenly everyone thinks 'Hey! Ruling will be a piece of cake for the kid!'"
Zane threw a look outside the window, watching a few lonely snow flakes drift lazily on a cold breeze from the mountains. The weather was getting better, slowly. "You know, that's why I took the job as advisor without second thought. She's going to need a lot of help once you throw her out to the wolves, someone to watch her back."
His eyes drifted back to Cara's hunched over form. "Her reign's not gonna be an easy one."
Strangely tired of the whole business, the Mord'Sith propped her chin up on her interlaced fingers. Another short trial note filled the room, followed by the longer first test of the violin bow.
And who can take the blame? There's a whole country depending on her and there is nothing we or anyone else can change about it. The people need her help desperately, especially with Rahl back in power.
"Then we need more time. More chances for Noa to learn what's needed. I hate to make her do this, but if she takes over her rule unprepared, if she becomes the next Mother Confessor without the right foundation... I don't want to think about the consequences this would have for her. How much worse she would feel if she failed at ruling." Cara rubbed her brow, feeling a headache coming up. "We'll just... keep on with her lessons until-"
"She's not stupid, you know."
Cara glanced at him, watching how he lured the first notes of a slow, haunting song from his instrument. The melody was unknown to her. "What?"
"Noa," he explained without his eyes leaving the violin. "She's quite aware that she couldn't meet your expectations, that you're informed and frustrated of her lack of progress. She's afraid that you might think of her as a failure. That she is inept."
"Never," Cara interrupted with conviction. We are proud of our daughter, no matter what.
"That you might turn your eyes from it and not speak it out loud, but that despite all of it, this'll be the sad truth," he went on as if never hearing Cara speak.
The blonde jumped up from her seating position, hands clenching and unclenching. "No."
"I've been her best friend since just about a year, but I can sense something in her, about her. Noa has been restless since a few days and I believe she might come to a decision, soon." A pause. "All three of you are caught in a curious dance around each other, a very interesting one I might add, but if one of you doesn't change something about it, it's going to end in a disaster. I can assure you that." He smiled cheekily at her, as if the weight of his words wasn't connected to this whole situation at all.
"What do you even know?" Cara hissed at him, already riled up enough by about everything lately. "Say all that like it's all so important and grave and then go on and think nothing of it? You have no idea what's going on, so don't try and play with us as if we're some... some kind of puppets dancing for your own personal amusement."
Unperturbed by her anger, his play went on. Skilled as he was, he coaxed one melody after the other from his instrument, easily blending the changes. "You know," he began in an off-hand tone, "sometimes I wonder if I was born for this, handling the ones around me like the strings of an instrument. Maybe, maybe not. But believe me, one thing I can attest to is that I can read the signs."
The look he gave her from above the instrument's wooden body was heavy with meaning and Cara suddenly felt herself getting defensive. "What are you talking about?"
"Dear Richard may be purposefully keeping himself dumb like a trunk by twisting his powers however it pleases him, but I'm not that gifted. Although I may not be a Seeker or a Confessor or whatever is the trend these days, I do see the things as they are because I face even the uncomfortable truths. And you and Kahlan are such big, obvious beacon lights for me it's almost laughable."
Cara had to force herself to stay still. She kept herself just barely from attacking the advisor and throwing him out of the window. Yes, he might be more keen and intelligent as anyone she'd met, but in return for getting a hint about the knowledge his insight gained one had to pay a hefty price. Zane was almost as much of a double-edged sword as Shota herself.
"If you tell any living or dead soul about this..." the Mord'Sith threatened with a growl.
Zane looked at her incredulously and the fact that it truly seemed as if he believed her statement to be an affront against him calmed her down somewhat. "Why should I? That's your own mess and I may like flirting with danger, but I'm still a healthy step away from suicidal, thank you very much. I can imagine what consequences that might have."
For a second his features turned sour. "And just so you know: I don't sell my friends."
His haughty behavior returned in an instant. "I'm simply telling you how it is, either you have to make a decision or you need to be more careful... and it's not like you don't know that yourself, hm?"
Sneering at the young man and then turning back around and away from his mock innocent face, the blonde sat back down on the sofa and crossed her arms and legs in a gesture of annoyance. She hated it, but not only was he right, Cara realized with a flash of honest surprise that she really trusted his opinion. Other than Dahlia, the young advisor had certain qualms and resolutions he wouldn't cross and that made her feel somewhat relieved that he was her friend and not her foe. However nerve grating that friend was.
It didn't keep her brain from working, though, turning back to the overlaying problem and the person behind it.
Noa was insecure and it was no wonder. Yes, they hadn't talked to her about her lack of progress, but it really was no great revelation that the girl knew something was wrong. Despite all of it, she's just a kid. And yet, 'because' of all that, she's so much more. It's a vicious circle.
It was as if they had all the pieces of the puzzle, everything that was needed to achieve a happy life and ease all their troubles. But it was thanks to all their darned feelings that the pieces didn't fit together. It was hard, nearly maddening, to have all answers laid out before you perfectly, but out of your reach just so that your fingertips only scratched at the edges.
Darn it all to the underworld and back. It was all so much easier when I only had to mindlessly follow Lord Rahl's words and the end of my Agiel.
As if sensing her deep brooding and deciding that he had picked at her nerves enough for this day, Zane switched tactics.
"Relax and listen, Aunti, I taught myself a D'Haran classical piece for your enjoyment."
"Oh, be quiet, you," she grumbled in return.
The first notes sent her back to a different time, a different place, but for once it were memories not connected with bad feelings or troubles. It was a fragment of what had once been home and the blonde was almost grateful to listen to it in a place where family and friends were near and no screams would greet her at the end of day.
Cara let her mind be eased and drawn away by the soulful music that filled the room, stealing a moment of peace from the calm, familiar notes and Zane's quiet.
If there was only time.
_____________________
"You should have told me!"
"I just thought that..."
"Looks like you didn't think enough. Shouldn't we be making those decisions together?"
They had been arguing since a while. The sun had been about to hide behind the horizon and now it seemed as if the ball of fire had fled even quicker from the ongoing argument the Confessor and the Mord'Sith traded back and forth about their offspring. Feelings were already running high since weeks, with all the strains on their emotions and all the problems that had surfaced, all of it stacking up until the boiling point.
Which appeared to be very, very close. Without realizing, both women were getting less and less reasonable and more personal by the second.
Right now, the taller woman was near the point of screaming, even more now that Cara was ready to strangle her after finding out that Kahlan had send Noa's teachers out of the castle without consulting her. "I told the teachers that we needed some time for consideration, not that we wouldn't need them anymore. If we send them home for just a while.."
"We can't do that, not now. If we stop, Noa will think we're not taking this serious or that she did something wrong. Keeping to normalcy is the only logical action," the Mord'Sith repeated for what seemed to be the umpteenth time, stressing it once again. Frustration was evident in her voice.
Annoyed at Cara's constant refusal, Kahlan started to slip into the same role she used against especially stubborn nobles in the council room, folding her hands together over her lower stomach. "I simply believe it's going to be best if we paused her training for a period of time. As the ruling instance, it'll be important for her to choose the correct way of action. A pause is what my instincts tell me-.."
Cara snorted, aware of the change and refusing to let herself be pushed around like any ordinary Midlander. "Oh, so you think just because you're her mother since five months that your opinion weighs more than mine? After I got her away from the abuse and hatred of the villagers?" She crossed her arms and took a step away from the brunette. "Excuse me, your highness, for doubting that a Mord'Sith's word may count as much as that of a Confessor."
"Hey..."
"Don't mock me Cara, and most of all, don't bring my status into this!" Kahlan shot back, pointing a warning finger at her. "You might have been with her for a longer time, but I'm her mother, too!"
"Well, how about you act like it, instead of gazing down on us from your royal peak!"
"Uh, guys..."
In the heat of flaring anger and frustration, both women stepped nearer to each other, very close to jumping at their throats. Kahlan lowered her eyes at the blonde at the insult. "You know what? If you believe me to be so high above you, maybe I'll do just that! And the first thing I'll do is give you a nice, long thinking period in the dungeons!"
"Try it, Confessor!"
"Maybe it will thaw your darned ice armor!"
"Or cool your infantile hothead!"
"You-... you insolent, snappy... pighead!" the Mother Confessor stammered in shocked rage.
"Says the prude with the stick in her-"
"Will you two stop ignoring me!"
Interrupted in the middle of throwing more petty insults at each other, they turned their heads with half-open mouths towards the source of their disturbance.
There stood the reason this argument came to pass, one hand still on the opened door and an irritated look beneath her knitted eyebrows. It made her mothers feel like having been found with their hands in a cookie jar and they righted themselves in an instant, awkwardly clearing their throats.
"Good. Now that you've stopped behaving like someone my age, can I talk to you?" the girl asked with a grumble.
Still sending half-glares at each other out of the corner of their eyes, but refusing direct eye contact, they stepped apart with a huff.
Cara was the first to speak, feeling not quite as insulted by the Mother Confessor as Kahlan did by her. Pighead was hardly serious name calling for a Mord'Sith. It was only the hot turmoil of feelings that didn't have her bursting out laughing at that.
"What is it?"
Stepping inside and closing the door behind her, Noa came closer with her hands hidden behind her back and gaze slightly turned in the direction of the ground. The girl looked as if she hadn't been sleeping well since a while and all traces of anger still lingering in both women's minds vanished in a cloud of compassion at that sight.
And yet there was a certain kind of finality in Noa's walk and the way she held her head.
"I know...there have been... problems concerning my education. And...me." When she looked upwards, Confessor and Mord'Sith had the decency to look ashamed. Who knew how much Noa had listened to, before deciding to interrupt.
"And I can tell that it's probably not very easy on all of you. But there's little I can do to change it, 'cause all that learning stuff is... pretty hard for me."
Noa nibbled at her lower lip and leaned her lanky body a little to the right, watching the nightly curtain of the sky behind the window on the other side. "So... I guess... maybe it's better if I take up Shota's offer and go away for a while. But not because I'm giving up on my future duty! I don't, believe me, just... maybe if she can help me control myself a bit more then it might help with everything else too."
A worried sigh told them all that Kahlan wasn't very fond of the idea, despite all that had happened. "Noa, I know it looks like a good idea and option, but we can't trust Shota that far..."
"I know, she's betrayed you before, Zedd told me about it." The smaller blonde scratched at her forehead with a contemplative shake of her head. "But I thought it over. She can't hurt me, not with me being able to block her magic. And I'm sure she can't talk me into anything I don't want to either."
Gazing into both her parents' worried faces, Noa spread her hands in a helpless gesture. "It's the only chance I have to learn more about my power. Zedd can't help, he already tried. What if the witchwoman isn't lying? I need to find out the truth about that or I might regret it forever."
Their animosity forgotten, Kahlan and Cara exchanged a thoughtful glance. Was it really save for Noa to go there? Would Shota trick them once again or truly help their child? Was it worth the risks?
Maybe it was a chance to combine both Kahlan's and her own decision into one
Cara strolled closer to the girl, looking down into the troubled colors. "Are you sure about this? We have dictated your life since the moment you stepped into the palace, but this time I..." she turned her head as if to glance at the brunette behind her, "...we will give you free choice."
The Mother Confessor offered them both a nod and a small smile, showing her consent.
"I thought about it," her daughter replied with conviction, "and... I... admit I'm not sure at all. But I feel I have to do this." Noa's features changed, turning foxy. Cara liked to call it her 'sneaky face'. "But only under one condition."
Kahlan blinked, confused. "Condition?"
Licking her lips as if taking a moment for added courage, Noa looked first at Kahlan, then at Cara. "I want you two to accompany me there. Only you two."
Slumping her shoulders and opening her mouth in obvious sad refusal, the girl interrupted before her brunette mother could get a word out.
"I know you have your duties! But surely Zedd can take over your council role for a while and it's not that far to Agaden Reach. You'll be gone for... three, maybe four weeks if snow falls," she quickly supplied, walking over to Kahlan. "You can make it a... state visit to the witch. With Cara as your bodyguard or... something."
"Noa..."
"Please, mother," the girl softly asked with a beseeching glimmer in her gaze. "We never had a chance to be together, only the three of us. I... I only want to spend time with my family, for the first time in my life. I swear I'll do anything I can to become a good Confessor once I'm back from Shota."
Kahlan watched her daughter's pleading expression for a while, then looked up to Cara.
There were many conflicting emotions in the Mord'Sith's gaze she didn't bother to hide behind her trained mask, but the brunette was unable to decipher a specific one.
Could she deny them this small indulgence? Could she deny Noa this one wish?
The answer was clear from the beginning.
"Of course," Kahlan answered with a soft smile, placing a hand on her child's shoulder and squeezing. "I know there are other ways you could get to Agaden Reach, but I'm sure I can take this time away from Aydindril. We'll go together, all three of us."
Noa's whole, tense frame eased with the happiness that spread in her and she couldn't help a short laugh that wiped away days of stress from her features, turning her back into the young, carefree teenager that glowed with anticipation.
"Oh, this is great! I'll go and tell Zane and...and pack my things... and... we need horses and food, too!"
Watching with a shake of her head how Noa bounded out of the room, Cara threw a "Don't hurt yourself!" after her before turning back to the Confessor. Kahlan was watching her calmly and both women remembered the argument they had been having just moments before without speaking it out loud. There were some things that couldn't be cleared that easily.
"I hope it's okay for you?" Kahlan asked softly.
Cara pursed her lips, quickly nodding her head. "Yes. I'm not sure about Shota, but... we earned the right to spend some days alone with our... daughter." Somehow, it was still an unbelievable, wonderful feeling when she spoke it out loud. Noa's a gift. It's really time we remembered that.
"Then we'll head out in a few days?"
"I'll go and see what we'll need, while you inform whoever has to know about our departure," the blonde confirmed and left the room, before the tension between them could become strained again.
These could become a long four weeks for Cara.
_________________________
Although just as unsure about the witch's intentions as everyone else, Zedd stood behind their decision to leave and ushered them to depart as soon as possible, now that the council was still tamed. Both the family bonding as well as the teaching appeared to be a good idea at the heart of the matter and he prayed that turning Noa over into Shota's hands was not a step in the wrong direction.
Hence Kahlan found herself packing two days later, ready to be on horseback by the light of the next day, when Richard carefully strolled in through her door and leaned against the wooden frame, observing how she folded her change dress for the package.
"So, I hear you're leaving for a while?" he began in a plain tone as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but Kahlan could detect the traces of sadness and hurt in it. They hadn't spoken much since she became so stressed because of her daughter and when the Seeker realized he couldn't help her with her problem - instead it seemed as if his presence made her even more agitated - he decided to give her some space for a while.
"Richard.." she began, sounding apologetic.
He waved her off, pushing himself away from the door encasing. "No, no, it's fine. You earned this time with your daughter. You both did."
Richard meant what he said, she could feel it, but it didn't keep the other feelings from traveling with the current. He was hurt, by her way of action, and leaving him behind didn't help the matter at all. And he had every right to feel this way, especially after the way she treated him these past days. It was only her luck and burden to be promised to such an understanding and indulging man.
Quickly coming close to him, she enfolded his warm cheek with the palm of her hand, trying to chase away the troubled curtain clouding his brown eyes with her mere presence. It worked, if not as much as she had hoped.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kahlan tried again, stroking her thumb over his skin,"but there was so much going on in my mind. When I'm back, things will change, I promise."
Because when I come back, there will only be you again. I only have to find a way. I have to.
She forced any memory of Cara's intense green gaze and gentle lips out of her mind and filled it with the image of her fiance. But Richard still appeared distant, as if he was treading her presence with caution without realizing why.
"Kahlan, promise me something," he suddenly started up. Not exactly sure where he was going, but deeming it important nonetheless.
"Anything." She searched his gaze, but with him as unsure as herself there was nothing to read but a contrary mixture of uncertainty and resolve.
"You know I love you with all my heart - and I mean it. All I ever, ever want is for you to be happy. I know you're troubled and it tears me up inside that I can't help you... but..." he grasped for words, gazing deeply into her eyes.
"Yes?"
Placing both hands around her head, he pushed his forehead against hers and swallowed deeply, closing his lids tightly. "Promise me, no matter what, that you'll be happy. Whatever it takes. I need to see you smile again. Okay? And then... maybe... we can be happy together?"
Oh Creator, Kahlan thought with gathering tears, he sounds like a lost child. So full of trust and hope. How could she hurt someone that loved her so? What kind of woman was she, that she couldn't be happy with this pure feeling he gave her and instead yearn for the love of another? "I'll try, Richard," she breathed with a choked up voice, taking deep breaths to keep her composure. "I promise I'll try. For you."
Maybe, one day, I'll be happy again. Maybe one day you will be all I need once more. Maybe. Or maybe not.
"That's all I can ask of you. Thank you." Pressing a soft, heartfelt kiss against her brow and hugging her close, he whispered a 'safe journey' into her ear and left her to finish her packing.
It took several minutes for the Confessor to fight down her want to weep and instead move back to her traveling pack.
These could become a long four weeks for Kahlan.
____________________
"Keep safe, all three of you," Zedd shouted with a smile, standing behind to watch the start of their journey along with his grandson and the shivering advisor.
There was only a light fall of snow after a few days of clouded sunshine troubling their departure, as the winter was slowly coming to a close. With any luck, this was the last snow flakes they had to see this year, at least down in the woods they were traveling in. Up in the mountains near Agaden Reach more snow even during spring was a given.
Waving at the three men standing under the archway of the city gate, Kahlan took a breath of the fresh, crispy air and turned back around to see her daughter spurring her own horse on with loud hollering, dashing along the trader route they were following with high spirits and a free mind. It was a sight that caused her to chuckle and, as if affected by Noa's good mood, leading her horse closer to Cara's once the great city had become smaller at their back.
"Look, Cara... about our fight..." Kahlan began slowly, wanting to wipe the slate clean before they spend days stuck with each other and this argument unresolved between them, unnecessarily straining their friendship. And after thinking long and hard about it (when didn't she think long and hard about her problems lately?), she had come to the decision that maybe Cara had had a point with her reasoning. She shouldn't have treated the blonde the way she had.
"...I just want to say..."
"You know," Cara suddenly interrupted in a normal tone without looking at her, "she's getting ahead pretty quickly. I guess we need to hurry to keep up. If you're up to it, I mean." With that the smaller woman turned her gaze towards the Confessor and Kahlan could see the first glimmer of a challenge in it.
The brunette couldn't help but smile, one corner of her mouth lifting up quickly. "Oh, so you're calling me slow? Marla and I could outrun your horse any day."
"Sure you could. If I fell off and broke my neck, that is. Otherwise I'm going to leave you behind in a cloud of dust."
Both women exchanged a look of friendly rivalry and with just that alone Kahlan knew she had been forgiven everything without it being spoken out aloud. With the horse moving beneath her body, the travel dress and fur clinging to her skin and Cara riding right next to her, it was almost as if they were back on the road during their journey to the Stone of Tears.
And it felt good.
As if all fell behind with the city, laying dormant and waiting for their return. But right now Kahlan felt a sense of freedom she had been missing for months rejuvenating her mind and soul and stoking the fire of competition in her to the point that her heart already started to race in a sudden bout of anticipation.
"Care to test that?" Kahlan taunted while her mare felt the energy that her rider exuded, dancing on the spot and longing to run free.
"Get ready to lose," Cara shot back with a flash of white teeth, her horse bucking and then shooting on in a cloud of thrown up dirt and snow.
The brunette laughed and gave chase.
_________________________
A/N: Hey look! They are going on a holiday, too!
Although the overall theme of this chapter was rather somber, I'll leave you all with a glimpse of hope at the end. Not only chapter wise, but also as a hint from the author ; ]
Author: Dark_Kurai
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan, touches of Cara/Dahlia
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Should be none, plays after 2x22.
Summary: Follow-up to A Tear, A Word, A Smile - When Zedd opens a magical portal to ease their travels after the victory against the Keeper, something goes wrong that forces Cara away from the Midlands for some time...
A/N: Soooo, the long awaited (I think) part 27. I had a really hard time with this one, but I can't pinpoint why. Good news is, I'm going to Scotland for 10 days starting friday, which is my first real holiday out of Germany in about... uh... ten years or so. Which means: It's pretty damn overdue! And it also means I'll take my netbook with me and hopefully have some time to flex my writing muscles again if I'm not too tired in the evening. There's so much stuff wanting to be written!
27.
"The good thing is: Noa learned the history of Aydindril."
The mothers raised their eyebrows at the older man. "And...?"
Zedd sighed. "The bad thing is... Noa learned the history of Aydindril."
"You're not making sense anymore, wizard," Cara grumbled.
"In the five months that Noa spend at the palace and got taught by me, the history of Aydindril is the only thing she remembers in great detail... and that's only just because Zane made an impromptu theater with stick figures and strange, made-up accents."
Cara groaned and buried her head in her hands.
That had been about two hours ago and now the Mord'Sith was slamming open the doors to the common room they all regularly used, pacing up and down the stone floor next to the richly adorned carpet with an annoyed frown marring her face.
It took a few seconds to realize that she wasn't alone.
Zane looked up from his place on the window sill, where he sat sprawled before the magnificent view of the lower city part covered in a fresh layer of nightly fallen snow. He was plucking at a violin, seemingly adjusting the strings to achieve the perfect notes.
"What's got you so riled up, Aunti?"
Cara gnashed her teeth. It seemed the advisor had thought long and hard about the last time he had called her 'Mom' and decided with great seriousness that Cara, sadly, could not replace his late mother and that she was much more like a long lost aunt and, of course, integrated that fact with such a glee and happiness in his day-to-day talk, that it was already driving the blonde up the wall. Not that it stopped the younger man.
"Don't call me that," she growled at him, only taking a short glance in his direction.
"Ah, Zedd's been talking to you, hasn't he?" Zane concluded, plucking at a string and producing a clear sound that echoed off the walls. Scrunching up his face, he obviously wasn't content with the result and adjusted it once again at the violin head.
Coming to a stop near the sofa, Cara plopped down on it with a sigh. Strangely enough, even though she wanted to strangle him more times than she could count, it was the most rewarding to talk to him instead of anyone else of her friends. Kahlan was too raw, too deeply depressed about the whole issue and Zedd was as helpful in this as a teaspoon. Talking with Richard -... was the worst idea and would only end in uncomfortable and embarrassing moments. But Zane, he was... for lack of another word, it had the kind of effect as if she was bouncing ideas around in her own mind while talking to him.
Well, minus the sarcastic, biting comments similar to a knife point turning in her flesh. Most times, she was ready to strip someone's skin off after having one of their discussions.
But then she knew he wouldn't blabber around. Having his eyes and ears everywhere that counted, the advisor had a way of keeping secrets and information packed tightly close to him, safely behind these sharp, calculating grey eyes, so unfitting with the rest of his average looks. With a prickle of nostalgic interest in her neck, Cara wondered secretly if his big mouth really was just for show, or if he could withstand a Mord'Sith questioning longer than anticipated.
Another light note ripped her out of her musings.
"They all put hope in the fact that Noa is a Confessor," she began out of nowhere. "Too much hope. For so long Kahlan was suspected to be the last one, then there comes our child, as if she was the answer to all their desperate wishes and prayers." Cara kneaded the knuckles of her fist with a dark look. "But it's not that simple."
"I guess our little wonder girl put everyone's expectations too high without intending to," he said while looking up and gazing at nothing. "They all saw how she can do a double-somersault from a standing position and outmaneuver a dozen guards and suddenly everyone thinks 'Hey! Ruling will be a piece of cake for the kid!'"
Zane threw a look outside the window, watching a few lonely snow flakes drift lazily on a cold breeze from the mountains. The weather was getting better, slowly. "You know, that's why I took the job as advisor without second thought. She's going to need a lot of help once you throw her out to the wolves, someone to watch her back."
His eyes drifted back to Cara's hunched over form. "Her reign's not gonna be an easy one."
Strangely tired of the whole business, the Mord'Sith propped her chin up on her interlaced fingers. Another short trial note filled the room, followed by the longer first test of the violin bow.
And who can take the blame? There's a whole country depending on her and there is nothing we or anyone else can change about it. The people need her help desperately, especially with Rahl back in power.
"Then we need more time. More chances for Noa to learn what's needed. I hate to make her do this, but if she takes over her rule unprepared, if she becomes the next Mother Confessor without the right foundation... I don't want to think about the consequences this would have for her. How much worse she would feel if she failed at ruling." Cara rubbed her brow, feeling a headache coming up. "We'll just... keep on with her lessons until-"
"She's not stupid, you know."
Cara glanced at him, watching how he lured the first notes of a slow, haunting song from his instrument. The melody was unknown to her. "What?"
"Noa," he explained without his eyes leaving the violin. "She's quite aware that she couldn't meet your expectations, that you're informed and frustrated of her lack of progress. She's afraid that you might think of her as a failure. That she is inept."
"Never," Cara interrupted with conviction. We are proud of our daughter, no matter what.
"That you might turn your eyes from it and not speak it out loud, but that despite all of it, this'll be the sad truth," he went on as if never hearing Cara speak.
The blonde jumped up from her seating position, hands clenching and unclenching. "No."
"I've been her best friend since just about a year, but I can sense something in her, about her. Noa has been restless since a few days and I believe she might come to a decision, soon." A pause. "All three of you are caught in a curious dance around each other, a very interesting one I might add, but if one of you doesn't change something about it, it's going to end in a disaster. I can assure you that." He smiled cheekily at her, as if the weight of his words wasn't connected to this whole situation at all.
"What do you even know?" Cara hissed at him, already riled up enough by about everything lately. "Say all that like it's all so important and grave and then go on and think nothing of it? You have no idea what's going on, so don't try and play with us as if we're some... some kind of puppets dancing for your own personal amusement."
Unperturbed by her anger, his play went on. Skilled as he was, he coaxed one melody after the other from his instrument, easily blending the changes. "You know," he began in an off-hand tone, "sometimes I wonder if I was born for this, handling the ones around me like the strings of an instrument. Maybe, maybe not. But believe me, one thing I can attest to is that I can read the signs."
The look he gave her from above the instrument's wooden body was heavy with meaning and Cara suddenly felt herself getting defensive. "What are you talking about?"
"Dear Richard may be purposefully keeping himself dumb like a trunk by twisting his powers however it pleases him, but I'm not that gifted. Although I may not be a Seeker or a Confessor or whatever is the trend these days, I do see the things as they are because I face even the uncomfortable truths. And you and Kahlan are such big, obvious beacon lights for me it's almost laughable."
Cara had to force herself to stay still. She kept herself just barely from attacking the advisor and throwing him out of the window. Yes, he might be more keen and intelligent as anyone she'd met, but in return for getting a hint about the knowledge his insight gained one had to pay a hefty price. Zane was almost as much of a double-edged sword as Shota herself.
"If you tell any living or dead soul about this..." the Mord'Sith threatened with a growl.
Zane looked at her incredulously and the fact that it truly seemed as if he believed her statement to be an affront against him calmed her down somewhat. "Why should I? That's your own mess and I may like flirting with danger, but I'm still a healthy step away from suicidal, thank you very much. I can imagine what consequences that might have."
For a second his features turned sour. "And just so you know: I don't sell my friends."
His haughty behavior returned in an instant. "I'm simply telling you how it is, either you have to make a decision or you need to be more careful... and it's not like you don't know that yourself, hm?"
Sneering at the young man and then turning back around and away from his mock innocent face, the blonde sat back down on the sofa and crossed her arms and legs in a gesture of annoyance. She hated it, but not only was he right, Cara realized with a flash of honest surprise that she really trusted his opinion. Other than Dahlia, the young advisor had certain qualms and resolutions he wouldn't cross and that made her feel somewhat relieved that he was her friend and not her foe. However nerve grating that friend was.
It didn't keep her brain from working, though, turning back to the overlaying problem and the person behind it.
Noa was insecure and it was no wonder. Yes, they hadn't talked to her about her lack of progress, but it really was no great revelation that the girl knew something was wrong. Despite all of it, she's just a kid. And yet, 'because' of all that, she's so much more. It's a vicious circle.
It was as if they had all the pieces of the puzzle, everything that was needed to achieve a happy life and ease all their troubles. But it was thanks to all their darned feelings that the pieces didn't fit together. It was hard, nearly maddening, to have all answers laid out before you perfectly, but out of your reach just so that your fingertips only scratched at the edges.
Darn it all to the underworld and back. It was all so much easier when I only had to mindlessly follow Lord Rahl's words and the end of my Agiel.
As if sensing her deep brooding and deciding that he had picked at her nerves enough for this day, Zane switched tactics.
"Relax and listen, Aunti, I taught myself a D'Haran classical piece for your enjoyment."
"Oh, be quiet, you," she grumbled in return.
The first notes sent her back to a different time, a different place, but for once it were memories not connected with bad feelings or troubles. It was a fragment of what had once been home and the blonde was almost grateful to listen to it in a place where family and friends were near and no screams would greet her at the end of day.
Cara let her mind be eased and drawn away by the soulful music that filled the room, stealing a moment of peace from the calm, familiar notes and Zane's quiet.
If there was only time.
_____________________
"You should have told me!"
"I just thought that..."
"Looks like you didn't think enough. Shouldn't we be making those decisions together?"
They had been arguing since a while. The sun had been about to hide behind the horizon and now it seemed as if the ball of fire had fled even quicker from the ongoing argument the Confessor and the Mord'Sith traded back and forth about their offspring. Feelings were already running high since weeks, with all the strains on their emotions and all the problems that had surfaced, all of it stacking up until the boiling point.
Which appeared to be very, very close. Without realizing, both women were getting less and less reasonable and more personal by the second.
Right now, the taller woman was near the point of screaming, even more now that Cara was ready to strangle her after finding out that Kahlan had send Noa's teachers out of the castle without consulting her. "I told the teachers that we needed some time for consideration, not that we wouldn't need them anymore. If we send them home for just a while.."
"We can't do that, not now. If we stop, Noa will think we're not taking this serious or that she did something wrong. Keeping to normalcy is the only logical action," the Mord'Sith repeated for what seemed to be the umpteenth time, stressing it once again. Frustration was evident in her voice.
Annoyed at Cara's constant refusal, Kahlan started to slip into the same role she used against especially stubborn nobles in the council room, folding her hands together over her lower stomach. "I simply believe it's going to be best if we paused her training for a period of time. As the ruling instance, it'll be important for her to choose the correct way of action. A pause is what my instincts tell me-.."
Cara snorted, aware of the change and refusing to let herself be pushed around like any ordinary Midlander. "Oh, so you think just because you're her mother since five months that your opinion weighs more than mine? After I got her away from the abuse and hatred of the villagers?" She crossed her arms and took a step away from the brunette. "Excuse me, your highness, for doubting that a Mord'Sith's word may count as much as that of a Confessor."
"Hey..."
"Don't mock me Cara, and most of all, don't bring my status into this!" Kahlan shot back, pointing a warning finger at her. "You might have been with her for a longer time, but I'm her mother, too!"
"Well, how about you act like it, instead of gazing down on us from your royal peak!"
"Uh, guys..."
In the heat of flaring anger and frustration, both women stepped nearer to each other, very close to jumping at their throats. Kahlan lowered her eyes at the blonde at the insult. "You know what? If you believe me to be so high above you, maybe I'll do just that! And the first thing I'll do is give you a nice, long thinking period in the dungeons!"
"Try it, Confessor!"
"Maybe it will thaw your darned ice armor!"
"Or cool your infantile hothead!"
"You-... you insolent, snappy... pighead!" the Mother Confessor stammered in shocked rage.
"Says the prude with the stick in her-"
"Will you two stop ignoring me!"
Interrupted in the middle of throwing more petty insults at each other, they turned their heads with half-open mouths towards the source of their disturbance.
There stood the reason this argument came to pass, one hand still on the opened door and an irritated look beneath her knitted eyebrows. It made her mothers feel like having been found with their hands in a cookie jar and they righted themselves in an instant, awkwardly clearing their throats.
"Good. Now that you've stopped behaving like someone my age, can I talk to you?" the girl asked with a grumble.
Still sending half-glares at each other out of the corner of their eyes, but refusing direct eye contact, they stepped apart with a huff.
Cara was the first to speak, feeling not quite as insulted by the Mother Confessor as Kahlan did by her. Pighead was hardly serious name calling for a Mord'Sith. It was only the hot turmoil of feelings that didn't have her bursting out laughing at that.
"What is it?"
Stepping inside and closing the door behind her, Noa came closer with her hands hidden behind her back and gaze slightly turned in the direction of the ground. The girl looked as if she hadn't been sleeping well since a while and all traces of anger still lingering in both women's minds vanished in a cloud of compassion at that sight.
And yet there was a certain kind of finality in Noa's walk and the way she held her head.
"I know...there have been... problems concerning my education. And...me." When she looked upwards, Confessor and Mord'Sith had the decency to look ashamed. Who knew how much Noa had listened to, before deciding to interrupt.
"And I can tell that it's probably not very easy on all of you. But there's little I can do to change it, 'cause all that learning stuff is... pretty hard for me."
Noa nibbled at her lower lip and leaned her lanky body a little to the right, watching the nightly curtain of the sky behind the window on the other side. "So... I guess... maybe it's better if I take up Shota's offer and go away for a while. But not because I'm giving up on my future duty! I don't, believe me, just... maybe if she can help me control myself a bit more then it might help with everything else too."
A worried sigh told them all that Kahlan wasn't very fond of the idea, despite all that had happened. "Noa, I know it looks like a good idea and option, but we can't trust Shota that far..."
"I know, she's betrayed you before, Zedd told me about it." The smaller blonde scratched at her forehead with a contemplative shake of her head. "But I thought it over. She can't hurt me, not with me being able to block her magic. And I'm sure she can't talk me into anything I don't want to either."
Gazing into both her parents' worried faces, Noa spread her hands in a helpless gesture. "It's the only chance I have to learn more about my power. Zedd can't help, he already tried. What if the witchwoman isn't lying? I need to find out the truth about that or I might regret it forever."
Their animosity forgotten, Kahlan and Cara exchanged a thoughtful glance. Was it really save for Noa to go there? Would Shota trick them once again or truly help their child? Was it worth the risks?
Maybe it was a chance to combine both Kahlan's and her own decision into one
Cara strolled closer to the girl, looking down into the troubled colors. "Are you sure about this? We have dictated your life since the moment you stepped into the palace, but this time I..." she turned her head as if to glance at the brunette behind her, "...we will give you free choice."
The Mother Confessor offered them both a nod and a small smile, showing her consent.
"I thought about it," her daughter replied with conviction, "and... I... admit I'm not sure at all. But I feel I have to do this." Noa's features changed, turning foxy. Cara liked to call it her 'sneaky face'. "But only under one condition."
Kahlan blinked, confused. "Condition?"
Licking her lips as if taking a moment for added courage, Noa looked first at Kahlan, then at Cara. "I want you two to accompany me there. Only you two."
Slumping her shoulders and opening her mouth in obvious sad refusal, the girl interrupted before her brunette mother could get a word out.
"I know you have your duties! But surely Zedd can take over your council role for a while and it's not that far to Agaden Reach. You'll be gone for... three, maybe four weeks if snow falls," she quickly supplied, walking over to Kahlan. "You can make it a... state visit to the witch. With Cara as your bodyguard or... something."
"Noa..."
"Please, mother," the girl softly asked with a beseeching glimmer in her gaze. "We never had a chance to be together, only the three of us. I... I only want to spend time with my family, for the first time in my life. I swear I'll do anything I can to become a good Confessor once I'm back from Shota."
Kahlan watched her daughter's pleading expression for a while, then looked up to Cara.
There were many conflicting emotions in the Mord'Sith's gaze she didn't bother to hide behind her trained mask, but the brunette was unable to decipher a specific one.
Could she deny them this small indulgence? Could she deny Noa this one wish?
The answer was clear from the beginning.
"Of course," Kahlan answered with a soft smile, placing a hand on her child's shoulder and squeezing. "I know there are other ways you could get to Agaden Reach, but I'm sure I can take this time away from Aydindril. We'll go together, all three of us."
Noa's whole, tense frame eased with the happiness that spread in her and she couldn't help a short laugh that wiped away days of stress from her features, turning her back into the young, carefree teenager that glowed with anticipation.
"Oh, this is great! I'll go and tell Zane and...and pack my things... and... we need horses and food, too!"
Watching with a shake of her head how Noa bounded out of the room, Cara threw a "Don't hurt yourself!" after her before turning back to the Confessor. Kahlan was watching her calmly and both women remembered the argument they had been having just moments before without speaking it out loud. There were some things that couldn't be cleared that easily.
"I hope it's okay for you?" Kahlan asked softly.
Cara pursed her lips, quickly nodding her head. "Yes. I'm not sure about Shota, but... we earned the right to spend some days alone with our... daughter." Somehow, it was still an unbelievable, wonderful feeling when she spoke it out loud. Noa's a gift. It's really time we remembered that.
"Then we'll head out in a few days?"
"I'll go and see what we'll need, while you inform whoever has to know about our departure," the blonde confirmed and left the room, before the tension between them could become strained again.
These could become a long four weeks for Cara.
_________________________
Although just as unsure about the witch's intentions as everyone else, Zedd stood behind their decision to leave and ushered them to depart as soon as possible, now that the council was still tamed. Both the family bonding as well as the teaching appeared to be a good idea at the heart of the matter and he prayed that turning Noa over into Shota's hands was not a step in the wrong direction.
Hence Kahlan found herself packing two days later, ready to be on horseback by the light of the next day, when Richard carefully strolled in through her door and leaned against the wooden frame, observing how she folded her change dress for the package.
"So, I hear you're leaving for a while?" he began in a plain tone as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but Kahlan could detect the traces of sadness and hurt in it. They hadn't spoken much since she became so stressed because of her daughter and when the Seeker realized he couldn't help her with her problem - instead it seemed as if his presence made her even more agitated - he decided to give her some space for a while.
"Richard.." she began, sounding apologetic.
He waved her off, pushing himself away from the door encasing. "No, no, it's fine. You earned this time with your daughter. You both did."
Richard meant what he said, she could feel it, but it didn't keep the other feelings from traveling with the current. He was hurt, by her way of action, and leaving him behind didn't help the matter at all. And he had every right to feel this way, especially after the way she treated him these past days. It was only her luck and burden to be promised to such an understanding and indulging man.
Quickly coming close to him, she enfolded his warm cheek with the palm of her hand, trying to chase away the troubled curtain clouding his brown eyes with her mere presence. It worked, if not as much as she had hoped.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kahlan tried again, stroking her thumb over his skin,"but there was so much going on in my mind. When I'm back, things will change, I promise."
Because when I come back, there will only be you again. I only have to find a way. I have to.
She forced any memory of Cara's intense green gaze and gentle lips out of her mind and filled it with the image of her fiance. But Richard still appeared distant, as if he was treading her presence with caution without realizing why.
"Kahlan, promise me something," he suddenly started up. Not exactly sure where he was going, but deeming it important nonetheless.
"Anything." She searched his gaze, but with him as unsure as herself there was nothing to read but a contrary mixture of uncertainty and resolve.
"You know I love you with all my heart - and I mean it. All I ever, ever want is for you to be happy. I know you're troubled and it tears me up inside that I can't help you... but..." he grasped for words, gazing deeply into her eyes.
"Yes?"
Placing both hands around her head, he pushed his forehead against hers and swallowed deeply, closing his lids tightly. "Promise me, no matter what, that you'll be happy. Whatever it takes. I need to see you smile again. Okay? And then... maybe... we can be happy together?"
Oh Creator, Kahlan thought with gathering tears, he sounds like a lost child. So full of trust and hope. How could she hurt someone that loved her so? What kind of woman was she, that she couldn't be happy with this pure feeling he gave her and instead yearn for the love of another? "I'll try, Richard," she breathed with a choked up voice, taking deep breaths to keep her composure. "I promise I'll try. For you."
Maybe, one day, I'll be happy again. Maybe one day you will be all I need once more. Maybe. Or maybe not.
"That's all I can ask of you. Thank you." Pressing a soft, heartfelt kiss against her brow and hugging her close, he whispered a 'safe journey' into her ear and left her to finish her packing.
It took several minutes for the Confessor to fight down her want to weep and instead move back to her traveling pack.
These could become a long four weeks for Kahlan.
____________________
"Keep safe, all three of you," Zedd shouted with a smile, standing behind to watch the start of their journey along with his grandson and the shivering advisor.
There was only a light fall of snow after a few days of clouded sunshine troubling their departure, as the winter was slowly coming to a close. With any luck, this was the last snow flakes they had to see this year, at least down in the woods they were traveling in. Up in the mountains near Agaden Reach more snow even during spring was a given.
Waving at the three men standing under the archway of the city gate, Kahlan took a breath of the fresh, crispy air and turned back around to see her daughter spurring her own horse on with loud hollering, dashing along the trader route they were following with high spirits and a free mind. It was a sight that caused her to chuckle and, as if affected by Noa's good mood, leading her horse closer to Cara's once the great city had become smaller at their back.
"Look, Cara... about our fight..." Kahlan began slowly, wanting to wipe the slate clean before they spend days stuck with each other and this argument unresolved between them, unnecessarily straining their friendship. And after thinking long and hard about it (when didn't she think long and hard about her problems lately?), she had come to the decision that maybe Cara had had a point with her reasoning. She shouldn't have treated the blonde the way she had.
"...I just want to say..."
"You know," Cara suddenly interrupted in a normal tone without looking at her, "she's getting ahead pretty quickly. I guess we need to hurry to keep up. If you're up to it, I mean." With that the smaller woman turned her gaze towards the Confessor and Kahlan could see the first glimmer of a challenge in it.
The brunette couldn't help but smile, one corner of her mouth lifting up quickly. "Oh, so you're calling me slow? Marla and I could outrun your horse any day."
"Sure you could. If I fell off and broke my neck, that is. Otherwise I'm going to leave you behind in a cloud of dust."
Both women exchanged a look of friendly rivalry and with just that alone Kahlan knew she had been forgiven everything without it being spoken out aloud. With the horse moving beneath her body, the travel dress and fur clinging to her skin and Cara riding right next to her, it was almost as if they were back on the road during their journey to the Stone of Tears.
And it felt good.
As if all fell behind with the city, laying dormant and waiting for their return. But right now Kahlan felt a sense of freedom she had been missing for months rejuvenating her mind and soul and stoking the fire of competition in her to the point that her heart already started to race in a sudden bout of anticipation.
"Care to test that?" Kahlan taunted while her mare felt the energy that her rider exuded, dancing on the spot and longing to run free.
"Get ready to lose," Cara shot back with a flash of white teeth, her horse bucking and then shooting on in a cloud of thrown up dirt and snow.
The brunette laughed and gave chase.
_________________________
A/N: Hey look! They are going on a holiday, too!
Although the overall theme of this chapter was rather somber, I'll leave you all with a glimpse of hope at the end. Not only chapter wise, but also as a hint from the author ; ]