The Gift of Stolen Time - Part 18
Title: The Gift Of Stolen Time
Author: Dark_Kurai
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan, touches of Cara/Dahlia
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Should be none, plays after 2x22.
Summary: Follow-up to A Tear, A Word, A Smile - When Zedd opens a magical portal to ease their travels after the victory against the Keeper, something goes wrong that forces Cara away from the Midlands for some time...
A/N: Okay, first I'm sorry for the late posting and not yet replying to your comments, 'cause the heat nearly killed me. I think I slept about 4 hours in total and the letters swam merrily before my eyes. But I thought I might make you happy with the update anyway, so I got myself on the 'puter and made this post. I hope it's not as hot wherever you are!
18.
Cara woke up in the morning and, for a small, single fragment of time, almost believed she was lying on her bedroll in the woods of Darza and would find a slumbering, blonde kid lying near the fire once she turned her head.
But her bed was too soft. The sounds in the air were too different. And there was too much pain in her chest at the thought of Noa for her to be save and sound.
Yet her repression was back in action and waking up to the memory and reality of her child gone was getting easier with every day. She didn't want to hurt and cry anymore. She didn't want to see Noa doomed to a painful death every moment she closed her eyes.
Cara wanted to remember the girl's smile and her laugh, how easily she jumped from tree to tree as if born with her trained abilities. She wanted to think of the happy times they had spend together, if only in honor of Noa's memory. The small fox wouldn't have wanted her to suffer without end.
Relieving the years in the other world with Kahlan helped. After starting with one tale it had become a slow craving to make the Mother Confessor experience everything that happened through her words. Maybe it was the small hope that it kept Noa more alive if the only other human being around the Mord'Sith that remembered her daughter understood what the two of them had gone through by listening to Cara's journey.
Slowly peeling herself out of the fur covers, the Mord'Sith rubbed her eyes even though the tiredness from sleep had long faded. There was a different kind of exhaustion in her substance, one that would only get easier with time. Time was all she had now.
Time and my friends.
Thinking of the others was becoming strangely hard, too. And Cara skirted around the reason for it like a professional, always looking the other way when the problem dared to come up.
She dragged herself over to the window that overlooked the backside of Aydindril, the lush green of the forest in the distance encasing the stone buildings like a loving embrace. The city was beautiful and astonishing with its interwoven exchange of expensive, impressive parts and the more homely, less cultivated areas that integrated into the overall structure like a puzzle piece. It certainly wouldn't have been possible in D'Hara.
It was so easy to imagine Aydrindril as her new home, especially with Darken Rahl back in power.
Gently she carried a small bag over to the opening, taking a seat on the sill and easing the trinket out on her palm. Watching the morning light play on the light strands of Noa's gift, she wrapped her fingers around it and placed it closer to her heart, cradling it as softly as the dying Night Wisp years ago.
"I have a problem, Noa," she whispered softly into the warm air. "It's called Kahlan and it's infuriatingly addictive."
Denying the truth that fluttered behind her breast bone seemed unneeded with herself sitting in solitary silence and the picture of two different colored eyes swimming at the back of her mind, so she simply let it unfurl and fly into nothingness, unheard by any living soul but herself.
Kahlan was getting under her skin and worming her way through every soft, tender spot in her heart, nesting and refusing to leave anymore. It was becoming harder to tear herself away from the captivating blueness framed by dark lashes, sometimes it felt as if Cara was ripping a piece of herself off every time she refused to sink deeper into the ocean deep color.
And those lingering glances were getting more frequent. Not during meal times or inside the castle walls, but every day they spend riding in the woods. It was always the same, the Mord'Sith starting with a few stories of the four years she was gone, Kahlan listening attentively and then steering the memories with her questions and interest. They would stop at a certain point, talking about different topics or sitting beside each other in wordless companionship before turning back to the city.
It was this quiet that Cara dreaded and wanted the most.
When Kahlan would start to touch or stay huddled close despite the temperatures, craving the human contact in the way the blonde had come to know her. But it was always afterwards when Kahlan offered her a smile or a warm gaze that Cara found herself captured.
She knew she had never looked at another human being the way she looked at Kahlan in these moments and even though she still found herself guarded even then, not even Dahlia knew the pool of emotion that swam in her eyes whenever she drowned in Kahlan's gaze. Without anything to distract or remind her that it wasn't her place to feel this.
She's the Lord Rahl's mate. She is the Mother Confessor and ruler of the Midlands. She's a Confessor, for Creator's sake.
And I am the murderer of her sister.
Whatever had started to fester inside of her, it was the most stupid thing Cara had ever allowed and she knew that it would only bring more pain and heartache that even the craftiest torture in the dungeons couldn't compare to. As if she wasn't already burdened enough.
"I need to stop it from going further. Kahlan would never understand... no one would understand."
Want. Lust. Desire. Need. And something deeper than all four combined. For now, in the early morning hours of this day, she admitted it to herself only for this one time before burying it in a grave behind her mental walls and never dragging it up again.
Friendship and duty were more important than this foolish, wanton emotions. Cara closed her eyes and laid her head back against the cool stone beside the window frame.
"We really are cursed creatures, Noa. We stand apart from the world around us, watching as it drifts by. The Creator broke away a piece of ourselves to ensure that we won't fit, that we never can."
Kahlan... if only.
Sighing and dragging her thumb across the smooth flower one last time, she got herself dressed with an aura of finality around her. While she would not end their trips into the woods, Cara decided to not let all of the confusion inside of her get in the way of indulging what she had of the gracious ruler.
When she moved down the staircase to the breakfast table, she could see Kahlan and Zedd already chatting and eating happily away. Thankfully the castle was stacked with enough food even for the wizard and his gluttony.
"Good morning, Cara," Kahlan piped up, smiling wider the instant she spotted the blonde. Zedd held up a hand in greeting, his mouth full with bread and dead animal.
"I see that I should be thankful you left something behind for the late eaters."
The Mother Confessor laughed at Zedd's affronted face, placing her cutlery down on the dirty plate, having already finished her meal.
"No comment in your defense, wizard?" Cara taunted the older man, while interlacing her fingers under her chin after taking her seat.
Zedd kept on chewing and flicked her jibe away with a flick of his wrist, concentrating back on his food with a mock-offended turn of his head. Cara chuckled low, grabbing a piece of bread and nibbling at the edge.
"So, Kahlan... the weather is quite nice today. Not too hot, I believe," she started carefully while concentrating on filling her cup with fresh water. She was curious if the brunette would take the hint.
But a gaze upward showed her a pair of sad, blue eyes reflecting back at her.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Cara... I already promised Richard I would spend the day with him," the brunette admitted, her tone laced with a strong vibe of chagrin that had even the wizard raise an eyebrow in wonder. Kahlan quickly cleared her throat. "Maybe we can ride out tomorrow? I looked forward to accompanying him since days. ...You could come with us, if you'd like?"
"No, thank you," the Mord'Sith replied, trying to not let the disappointment cloud her voice. She trained her gaze on the bread she was buttering, fishing for an excuse. "I'm not fond of mingling with the commoners, it's too loud and crowded. And I'm sure you and Richard are well protected within the city walls."
"Oh, I can assure you of that. Well, I'll go and get myself ready. Have a nice ride, Cara. Zedd." She nodded at the two of them before easing herself out of her chair with a strange reluctance, vanishing behind one of the wooden doors.
Cara refused to look up from where she prepared her food and answered all of Zedd's chatter with automatic responses, trying to deal with a new feeling that just added to the annoying mixture that was already mingling inside of her like a nest of squirming snakes.
Jealousy.
We are cursed creatures.
______________
Kahlan swept her hands once more over the freshly pressed cloth that covered her frame. The Mother Confessor's dress was whiter than normal, almost gleaming in the half-dark of her room. Sighing deeply and knowing that it was time to fulfill her duty, she carefully pulled the hood over her curly locks.
Time to face the music.
Walking down the floors with her head held high and her hands regally crossed before her abdomen, a couple of guards joined her on her way to her destination. They were specially chosen for this evening, their uniforms just as clean and polished like the ruler herself. The four of them flanked her on both sides and their mechanic steps and set mouths meant business.
No one would dare to question her rule today.
Allowing herself one deep breath, Kahlan watched as the servants opened the big double doors and felt as a wave of sound and light spilled over her, ending the calm silence that had enveloped her during her walk.
She hated the sour taste of foreboding.
"Attention, Lords and Ladys of the Midland Kingdoms! Her highness, Mother Confessor Kahlan Amnell!"
Hushed whispers fluttered through the large ballroom, people hurrying to the best spots to get a glimpse of the captivating, young ruler. The hall was filled with royalty of the closest surrounding kingdoms under Aydindril's superior rule. It was an annual festival near the end of summer, praising the incoming autumn and the regime of the Confessors that was successfully established since over 3000 years. And it demanded that Kahlan herself sat and ate with the kings and queens that decided to mingle in the ballroom and that wanted the Mother Confessor's favor.
It was as annoying as it was necessary.
"Good evening, Mother Confessor," the king of Baluth happily greeted her with a fake smile and a huge amount of white powder clinging to his face. "How wonderful of you to join us this evening! You are positively radiant tonight."
She forced a smile on her face, nodding at the aggravating man and then making her way across the room.
"It is such an honor to meet you, Mother Confessor," Queen Malita gushed when Kahlan walked past her. The brunette nearly had to squint at the dozen colliers and chains draped around the woman's neck that reflected the firelight like numerous little mirrors.
She inclined her head in greeting and quickly hurried on.
"Mother Confessor. It is our pleasure," a cool, controlled voice offered from her right. She turned and saw the King and Queen of Maorek stand behind her, a good-looking royal pair, very reserved and high in influence. And arrogant through and through. Their pretty, young daughter lingered in the background with a sour look on her face.
"As it is my. I hope you enjoy the banquet," Kahlan said with a glimpse of her white teeth. Taking her leave, she added a swish of her long dress to her turn.
Twenty false smiles later, from both hostess and guests, she kept herself from clenching her jaw in outright frustration.
Please let this be over soon.
"Kahlan!" A well-known figure found its way through the crowd towards her and she sighed in relief.
"Thank the Creator, Richard." She grabbed him and linked her arm with his, trying to appear as if they were having an important conversation that excluded the rest of the visitors. Everyone loved the good-natured young man that had saved the world together with them and she could feel the envious glares of the women all around her. "This hassle is annoying me more than usual."
"Ah, it's just a meal and another hour of lingering and then you're free to end the festivities," he calmed her down. "You should have seen what we went through when trying to get you out of that Margrave's dungeon."
She had to laugh at that, the first memory jumping to her mind that of Zedd in a dress. How hilarious that picture had been! And Richard's recount of how he had tried his matchmaking skills with the cross-dressing wizard and one of the castle's staff nearly had her in stitches every time she thought back to it. But the image of Zedd in women's clothes always brought with it the one of Cara. In a weird, pink gown that hugged her curves and a neckline deep enough that Kahlan felt her mouth go dry even now.
"Where's Cara?" Kahlan asked distracted, trying not to think anymore of the Mord'Sith in such female clothing. "I saw Zedd lingering somewhere near the food... as always."
"I think she's observing the whole party from one of the pillars. Want me to get her?"
"No," the brunette refused, with a hint of bittersweet sadness in her voice. "Let's just... sit down and eat."
As Richard was her companion today, the well-known Seeker of Truth all dressed up in a nice, brown-red suit, they sat down together on the gallery. The Mother Confessor was seated in the middle on a large, throne-like chair, with Richard to her right and Zedd, as her wizard of the First Order, to the left. The rest of the royal visitors found their place on tables in the lower portion of the hall, under the watchful eyes of their matriarch.
The ballroom was an impressively large hall inside the castle of Aydindril, even if not the largest. All walls and the floor were made of white marble and the ceiling was covered with paintings of all famous Confessors. Aydindrils colors were found everywhere, tapestries and thick carpets covering huge parts of the light stone, dozens of torchlights and candles giving the whole scene a special glow.
Yet Kahlan didn't feel well inside the borders of her own home. Something was weighing her down, on top of the consistent need to be closer to the blonde. She tried to push it away and focus her mind on the banquet, tasting every specialty the kingdoms had brought with them from their homes. But even the most savory meal couldn't lift the heavy feeling on her shoulders.
The very second the pushed her plate away and took a sip from the watered down wine, she felt warm fingers enveloping her free hand. A chair screeched and suddenly Richard stood up next to her.
The apprehension in the back of her mind morphed into dread as the room hushed.
"Respected lords and ladies, let me thank all of you for coming tonight. In respect of today's celebration I decided to do something rash... I hope you will forgive my intrusion."
His deep, brown eyes, like those of a kind and noble stag, turned towards her and he softly pulled at her hand. Feeling her heart pound in what was not anticipation but fear, she slowly joined him in standing.
"Kahlan," he began in that sweet voice that had her melt during the first months after meeting him and that now only stoked the painful guilt inside of her. "I know that our love and journey was filled with many hindrances. We overcame so much: Darken Rahl, the Keeper, your gift.
Even now Shota's warning keeps us apart, although we were so close to being in a normal relationship."
She could only look at him with wide eyes and a lump in her throat that threatened her to hyperventilate on the spot. Stay strong, the teachers of her past ghosted through her thoughts, keep yourself erect and powerful. You are a Confessor.
Kahlan composed her features.
"Yet I am unwilling to have others dictate our happiness for any longer. We will find a way to overcome that which stands in our way, just like we succeeded with every other task laid on our shoulders. You are the Mother Confessor and I am your Seeker. Nothing is stronger than our love."
Oh Richard. Please don't do this. I'm so sorry. Can't you see the lie in my eyes?...
The Seeker took a deep breath, nervousness and anticipation making the hands clammy that held her own. He was so sweet when he was unsure, yet desperate to bring it through to the end.
"Kahlan Amnell, I love you. Do you want to marry me?"
There was no sound in the air. Everyone held their breath.
And Kahlan felt like she might die. If it was possible to be torn in two without magic, she was just a hair's breadth away from breaking apart at the seams. Her eyes flicked to the side and met guarded, cyan green for a second, for an eternity, before the red-clad figure vanished in the shadows.
Stay strong. You are a Confessor.
This is for the good of Aydindril.
You have to keep the line intact.
Cara. If only.
"Yes." Her voice cracked and the tear that slipped down her cheek was the evidence of her heart breaking, but no one understood its meaning, as her lips were stretched into the most perfect fake smile she had ever created in her life.
The room erupted into cheers, a lot of them as fake as the mask over her face. People clapped and threw congratulations in their direction. Richard looked like the happiest man alive, clasping her head between his hands and giving her a sweet kiss and she hated herself for wishing that his lips belonged to a different person.
The brunette felt that everything passed by in a blur, as if she was standing beside herself and observed how she shook hands, accepted good wishes and basically appeared like her dream had come true. No one noted the defeated deadness in hooded blue, the lively sparkle lost to the dark of the night.
It was only when she grew dizzy, almost keeling over in her masquerade, that she decided that she needed to get away from this right now. Whispering a quick excuse in Richard's ear and waving away Zedd's helping hand, she hurried to the large double doors that symbolized her freedom, if only for a short while.
She kept the royal guards at their spot beside the pillars with a pointed look, a flick of her wrist causing the servants to stumble over themselves to open the doors for her. Forcing herself to walk upright and tempered instead of outright fleeing, she crossed the threshold in large steps.
The doors slammed shut. The world was closed off behind them. In the vacant hallway Kahlan put her hands to her face and took a shuddering breath, her tear glands burned close and her insides suffocated and numb.
Will I be able to live this lie for the rest of my life?
"Congratulations on your betrothal," a stoic voice drawled somewhere behind her.
Kahlan whirled around, coming face to face with the woman she wanted most and couldn't have. Unable to force a full smile with Cara so close, she simply nodded her head.
Stay strong.
"Thank you."
"The Lord Rahl is a good mate. The two of you will rule well."
Stark red leather, hugging her curves. Intimidating, full armor covering her skin. Incredible soft, blonde hair draped down her back. Half-open, slight almond eyes, the piercing green dark beside the flickering torch light. The Creator herself had to have carved Cara out of the very material of life, otherwise it would be impossible to explain this kind of perfection.
"This is what I hope for," Kahlan replied as if in a daze. She wanted to touch, to drown in the essence that was the Mord'Sith.
Stay strong.
Cara looked away, pursing her lips in contemplation. Then she stepped out of the shadows and sauntered over to the Confessor that had her hood still drawn atop the dark line of her hair.
"I guess this is what a friend should do in celebration of the proposal," the blonde mused with a furrowed brow and came close enough that Kahlan's breath hitched in wonder.
Cara was hugging her. It was stiff and awkward and the shock had the Mother Confessor rigid, her mouth open in honest suprise. But then the warmth of Cara's hands flat on her shoulder blades was seeping into her skin and she closed her eyelids at the realization that the other woman's gloves were gone again.
Her heart thundering with a glimmer of renewed life, Kahlan raised her own arms in sudden need, wrapping them around Cara's torso and pushing her chin into the smaller woman's neck guard. The hug was friendly and kept on for enough seconds that the blonde started to relax at the close proximity.
Stay strong.
It was when Cara started to indicate that she wanted to draw back that something in the Confessor snapped and she was unable to let go. And friendly turned to needy.
Her fingers dug into the red leather that felt like velvet under her tips. Her face buried itself into the crook of Cara's neck and she found herself clinging to the other woman that had stopped to pull back in bewilderment.
This isn't strength, Sisters. This is running away. This is me carrying my soul to an early grave once I'm married.
There was no odor more fetching than the one of the blonde in her arms and she wanted to breath it in forever, filling her shaking lungs with it for one sweet moment, pressing herself against those heavenly curves.
"Kahlan," the Mord'Sith exhaled into her ear and the Confessor couldn't help but take a step back in shame. Wondering if this was how it felt to leave a paradise behind.
"I'm... I'm sorry," Kahlan murmured, swallowing down a new bout of tears. This was inappropriate and Cara had to suffer for her lack of control. "I'm fine." Another lie, another untruth. Somewhere along the line it failed to matter anymore.
But surprisingly feminine fingers embraced her chin and tilted her head up until gazes met.
Right now they were alone. Every second a royal pair could decide to take their leave or a stroll through the gardens. Richard or Zedd might come looking for her. The overprotective flock of guards might come rushing to see how she was doing.
Yet even if the Keeper himself would've appeared in the shadows surrounding them, he would've been powerless to cut off the pull that held the two women in its grasp.
There was a childlike kind of wonder in Cara's searching gaze, a surprised elation at having found a treasure she hadn't expect to stumble upon. It was like the day Kahlan had met her after the birth of the wisps and she clearly remembered the blonde's awe at what she had experienced. Back then her mind had been focused inward, at the memory of the grotto... this time her eyes and attention were trained on Kahlan and only Kahlan.
And whoever moved first, suddenly their faces were inches apart and they shared every warm breath the other did. Kahlan tangled a strand of Cara's wonderful long hair between her fingers and Cara gently pushed the hood from her head, gliding her hand then down her temple and to her neck.
This was the highest kind of wrong and the least perfect moment they could have ever chosen. And yet it was more unblemished, more true than any other second in time they had ever shared together.
And when Cara's open, full lips touched her own trembling ones in a soft brush, the barest connection of skin against skin, not even the Creator's realm was more beautiful than this. It was all Kahlan wanted and needed. It was everything.
The door to the hallway slammed open.
"Kahlan? Are you okay? I wanted to see how you're doing," Richard spoke into the shadowy corridor in search of his betrothed.
The Seeker had not yet spoken her name fully and Cara was standing five feet away from her as if she had never moved at all, turning her head towards the Lord Rahl with her face void of any emotion. Kahlan was still light-headed and could not tear her vision away from the attractive Mord'Sith.
"I'm fine," she mumbled as if drugged. Her lips burned.
"Really? I don't think so." He quickly stepped close in worry, placing his hands on her shoulder. The touch of female fingers kept lingering at her neck and temple. "You're flushed... and trembling. Kahlan, maybe it's better if you end the party and go to bed."
"Yes," she breathed softly, not looking at him. "You're right."
Green and blue met across the Seeker's back. Cara had her lips pressed together in a thin line. Kahlan almost collapsed at the ghost of this sensual, full pinkness against her own, watching with yearning as the Mord'Sith spun around and vanished in the light and glamour of the ongoing festivities.
Richard held her close, caring and faithful and unaware of what had happened, stroking her hair in an affectionate gesture. But all she could see in the darkness behind her eyelids was the blonde woman.
Was this what you meant what a friend should do? Or was it... more? It's only going to be so much harder to stay away from you, Cara, once I dare to hope.
"Let's go to sleep," she whispered to him with an exhausted note, knowing that she would do anything but that this night.
Stay strong.
____________________
A/N: Excuse me, I'll be over there to bitch and moan and whine and be a sissy about the weather some more once I have enough energy to do so. I'll get back to all your comments once I can look at the screen without pain. *drops dead*
Author: Dark_Kurai
Pairing: Cara/Kahlan, touches of Cara/Dahlia
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: Should be none, plays after 2x22.
Summary: Follow-up to A Tear, A Word, A Smile - When Zedd opens a magical portal to ease their travels after the victory against the Keeper, something goes wrong that forces Cara away from the Midlands for some time...
A/N: Okay, first I'm sorry for the late posting and not yet replying to your comments, 'cause the heat nearly killed me. I think I slept about 4 hours in total and the letters swam merrily before my eyes. But I thought I might make you happy with the update anyway, so I got myself on the 'puter and made this post. I hope it's not as hot wherever you are!
18.
Cara woke up in the morning and, for a small, single fragment of time, almost believed she was lying on her bedroll in the woods of Darza and would find a slumbering, blonde kid lying near the fire once she turned her head.
But her bed was too soft. The sounds in the air were too different. And there was too much pain in her chest at the thought of Noa for her to be save and sound.
Yet her repression was back in action and waking up to the memory and reality of her child gone was getting easier with every day. She didn't want to hurt and cry anymore. She didn't want to see Noa doomed to a painful death every moment she closed her eyes.
Cara wanted to remember the girl's smile and her laugh, how easily she jumped from tree to tree as if born with her trained abilities. She wanted to think of the happy times they had spend together, if only in honor of Noa's memory. The small fox wouldn't have wanted her to suffer without end.
Relieving the years in the other world with Kahlan helped. After starting with one tale it had become a slow craving to make the Mother Confessor experience everything that happened through her words. Maybe it was the small hope that it kept Noa more alive if the only other human being around the Mord'Sith that remembered her daughter understood what the two of them had gone through by listening to Cara's journey.
Slowly peeling herself out of the fur covers, the Mord'Sith rubbed her eyes even though the tiredness from sleep had long faded. There was a different kind of exhaustion in her substance, one that would only get easier with time. Time was all she had now.
Time and my friends.
Thinking of the others was becoming strangely hard, too. And Cara skirted around the reason for it like a professional, always looking the other way when the problem dared to come up.
She dragged herself over to the window that overlooked the backside of Aydindril, the lush green of the forest in the distance encasing the stone buildings like a loving embrace. The city was beautiful and astonishing with its interwoven exchange of expensive, impressive parts and the more homely, less cultivated areas that integrated into the overall structure like a puzzle piece. It certainly wouldn't have been possible in D'Hara.
It was so easy to imagine Aydrindril as her new home, especially with Darken Rahl back in power.
Gently she carried a small bag over to the opening, taking a seat on the sill and easing the trinket out on her palm. Watching the morning light play on the light strands of Noa's gift, she wrapped her fingers around it and placed it closer to her heart, cradling it as softly as the dying Night Wisp years ago.
"I have a problem, Noa," she whispered softly into the warm air. "It's called Kahlan and it's infuriatingly addictive."
Denying the truth that fluttered behind her breast bone seemed unneeded with herself sitting in solitary silence and the picture of two different colored eyes swimming at the back of her mind, so she simply let it unfurl and fly into nothingness, unheard by any living soul but herself.
Kahlan was getting under her skin and worming her way through every soft, tender spot in her heart, nesting and refusing to leave anymore. It was becoming harder to tear herself away from the captivating blueness framed by dark lashes, sometimes it felt as if Cara was ripping a piece of herself off every time she refused to sink deeper into the ocean deep color.
And those lingering glances were getting more frequent. Not during meal times or inside the castle walls, but every day they spend riding in the woods. It was always the same, the Mord'Sith starting with a few stories of the four years she was gone, Kahlan listening attentively and then steering the memories with her questions and interest. They would stop at a certain point, talking about different topics or sitting beside each other in wordless companionship before turning back to the city.
It was this quiet that Cara dreaded and wanted the most.
When Kahlan would start to touch or stay huddled close despite the temperatures, craving the human contact in the way the blonde had come to know her. But it was always afterwards when Kahlan offered her a smile or a warm gaze that Cara found herself captured.
She knew she had never looked at another human being the way she looked at Kahlan in these moments and even though she still found herself guarded even then, not even Dahlia knew the pool of emotion that swam in her eyes whenever she drowned in Kahlan's gaze. Without anything to distract or remind her that it wasn't her place to feel this.
She's the Lord Rahl's mate. She is the Mother Confessor and ruler of the Midlands. She's a Confessor, for Creator's sake.
And I am the murderer of her sister.
Whatever had started to fester inside of her, it was the most stupid thing Cara had ever allowed and she knew that it would only bring more pain and heartache that even the craftiest torture in the dungeons couldn't compare to. As if she wasn't already burdened enough.
"I need to stop it from going further. Kahlan would never understand... no one would understand."
Want. Lust. Desire. Need. And something deeper than all four combined. For now, in the early morning hours of this day, she admitted it to herself only for this one time before burying it in a grave behind her mental walls and never dragging it up again.
Friendship and duty were more important than this foolish, wanton emotions. Cara closed her eyes and laid her head back against the cool stone beside the window frame.
"We really are cursed creatures, Noa. We stand apart from the world around us, watching as it drifts by. The Creator broke away a piece of ourselves to ensure that we won't fit, that we never can."
Kahlan... if only.
Sighing and dragging her thumb across the smooth flower one last time, she got herself dressed with an aura of finality around her. While she would not end their trips into the woods, Cara decided to not let all of the confusion inside of her get in the way of indulging what she had of the gracious ruler.
When she moved down the staircase to the breakfast table, she could see Kahlan and Zedd already chatting and eating happily away. Thankfully the castle was stacked with enough food even for the wizard and his gluttony.
"Good morning, Cara," Kahlan piped up, smiling wider the instant she spotted the blonde. Zedd held up a hand in greeting, his mouth full with bread and dead animal.
"I see that I should be thankful you left something behind for the late eaters."
The Mother Confessor laughed at Zedd's affronted face, placing her cutlery down on the dirty plate, having already finished her meal.
"No comment in your defense, wizard?" Cara taunted the older man, while interlacing her fingers under her chin after taking her seat.
Zedd kept on chewing and flicked her jibe away with a flick of his wrist, concentrating back on his food with a mock-offended turn of his head. Cara chuckled low, grabbing a piece of bread and nibbling at the edge.
"So, Kahlan... the weather is quite nice today. Not too hot, I believe," she started carefully while concentrating on filling her cup with fresh water. She was curious if the brunette would take the hint.
But a gaze upward showed her a pair of sad, blue eyes reflecting back at her.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Cara... I already promised Richard I would spend the day with him," the brunette admitted, her tone laced with a strong vibe of chagrin that had even the wizard raise an eyebrow in wonder. Kahlan quickly cleared her throat. "Maybe we can ride out tomorrow? I looked forward to accompanying him since days. ...You could come with us, if you'd like?"
"No, thank you," the Mord'Sith replied, trying to not let the disappointment cloud her voice. She trained her gaze on the bread she was buttering, fishing for an excuse. "I'm not fond of mingling with the commoners, it's too loud and crowded. And I'm sure you and Richard are well protected within the city walls."
"Oh, I can assure you of that. Well, I'll go and get myself ready. Have a nice ride, Cara. Zedd." She nodded at the two of them before easing herself out of her chair with a strange reluctance, vanishing behind one of the wooden doors.
Cara refused to look up from where she prepared her food and answered all of Zedd's chatter with automatic responses, trying to deal with a new feeling that just added to the annoying mixture that was already mingling inside of her like a nest of squirming snakes.
Jealousy.
We are cursed creatures.
______________
Kahlan swept her hands once more over the freshly pressed cloth that covered her frame. The Mother Confessor's dress was whiter than normal, almost gleaming in the half-dark of her room. Sighing deeply and knowing that it was time to fulfill her duty, she carefully pulled the hood over her curly locks.
Time to face the music.
Walking down the floors with her head held high and her hands regally crossed before her abdomen, a couple of guards joined her on her way to her destination. They were specially chosen for this evening, their uniforms just as clean and polished like the ruler herself. The four of them flanked her on both sides and their mechanic steps and set mouths meant business.
No one would dare to question her rule today.
Allowing herself one deep breath, Kahlan watched as the servants opened the big double doors and felt as a wave of sound and light spilled over her, ending the calm silence that had enveloped her during her walk.
She hated the sour taste of foreboding.
"Attention, Lords and Ladys of the Midland Kingdoms! Her highness, Mother Confessor Kahlan Amnell!"
Hushed whispers fluttered through the large ballroom, people hurrying to the best spots to get a glimpse of the captivating, young ruler. The hall was filled with royalty of the closest surrounding kingdoms under Aydindril's superior rule. It was an annual festival near the end of summer, praising the incoming autumn and the regime of the Confessors that was successfully established since over 3000 years. And it demanded that Kahlan herself sat and ate with the kings and queens that decided to mingle in the ballroom and that wanted the Mother Confessor's favor.
It was as annoying as it was necessary.
"Good evening, Mother Confessor," the king of Baluth happily greeted her with a fake smile and a huge amount of white powder clinging to his face. "How wonderful of you to join us this evening! You are positively radiant tonight."
She forced a smile on her face, nodding at the aggravating man and then making her way across the room.
"It is such an honor to meet you, Mother Confessor," Queen Malita gushed when Kahlan walked past her. The brunette nearly had to squint at the dozen colliers and chains draped around the woman's neck that reflected the firelight like numerous little mirrors.
She inclined her head in greeting and quickly hurried on.
"Mother Confessor. It is our pleasure," a cool, controlled voice offered from her right. She turned and saw the King and Queen of Maorek stand behind her, a good-looking royal pair, very reserved and high in influence. And arrogant through and through. Their pretty, young daughter lingered in the background with a sour look on her face.
"As it is my. I hope you enjoy the banquet," Kahlan said with a glimpse of her white teeth. Taking her leave, she added a swish of her long dress to her turn.
Twenty false smiles later, from both hostess and guests, she kept herself from clenching her jaw in outright frustration.
Please let this be over soon.
"Kahlan!" A well-known figure found its way through the crowd towards her and she sighed in relief.
"Thank the Creator, Richard." She grabbed him and linked her arm with his, trying to appear as if they were having an important conversation that excluded the rest of the visitors. Everyone loved the good-natured young man that had saved the world together with them and she could feel the envious glares of the women all around her. "This hassle is annoying me more than usual."
"Ah, it's just a meal and another hour of lingering and then you're free to end the festivities," he calmed her down. "You should have seen what we went through when trying to get you out of that Margrave's dungeon."
She had to laugh at that, the first memory jumping to her mind that of Zedd in a dress. How hilarious that picture had been! And Richard's recount of how he had tried his matchmaking skills with the cross-dressing wizard and one of the castle's staff nearly had her in stitches every time she thought back to it. But the image of Zedd in women's clothes always brought with it the one of Cara. In a weird, pink gown that hugged her curves and a neckline deep enough that Kahlan felt her mouth go dry even now.
"Where's Cara?" Kahlan asked distracted, trying not to think anymore of the Mord'Sith in such female clothing. "I saw Zedd lingering somewhere near the food... as always."
"I think she's observing the whole party from one of the pillars. Want me to get her?"
"No," the brunette refused, with a hint of bittersweet sadness in her voice. "Let's just... sit down and eat."
As Richard was her companion today, the well-known Seeker of Truth all dressed up in a nice, brown-red suit, they sat down together on the gallery. The Mother Confessor was seated in the middle on a large, throne-like chair, with Richard to her right and Zedd, as her wizard of the First Order, to the left. The rest of the royal visitors found their place on tables in the lower portion of the hall, under the watchful eyes of their matriarch.
The ballroom was an impressively large hall inside the castle of Aydindril, even if not the largest. All walls and the floor were made of white marble and the ceiling was covered with paintings of all famous Confessors. Aydindrils colors were found everywhere, tapestries and thick carpets covering huge parts of the light stone, dozens of torchlights and candles giving the whole scene a special glow.
Yet Kahlan didn't feel well inside the borders of her own home. Something was weighing her down, on top of the consistent need to be closer to the blonde. She tried to push it away and focus her mind on the banquet, tasting every specialty the kingdoms had brought with them from their homes. But even the most savory meal couldn't lift the heavy feeling on her shoulders.
The very second the pushed her plate away and took a sip from the watered down wine, she felt warm fingers enveloping her free hand. A chair screeched and suddenly Richard stood up next to her.
The apprehension in the back of her mind morphed into dread as the room hushed.
"Respected lords and ladies, let me thank all of you for coming tonight. In respect of today's celebration I decided to do something rash... I hope you will forgive my intrusion."
His deep, brown eyes, like those of a kind and noble stag, turned towards her and he softly pulled at her hand. Feeling her heart pound in what was not anticipation but fear, she slowly joined him in standing.
"Kahlan," he began in that sweet voice that had her melt during the first months after meeting him and that now only stoked the painful guilt inside of her. "I know that our love and journey was filled with many hindrances. We overcame so much: Darken Rahl, the Keeper, your gift.
Even now Shota's warning keeps us apart, although we were so close to being in a normal relationship."
She could only look at him with wide eyes and a lump in her throat that threatened her to hyperventilate on the spot. Stay strong, the teachers of her past ghosted through her thoughts, keep yourself erect and powerful. You are a Confessor.
Kahlan composed her features.
"Yet I am unwilling to have others dictate our happiness for any longer. We will find a way to overcome that which stands in our way, just like we succeeded with every other task laid on our shoulders. You are the Mother Confessor and I am your Seeker. Nothing is stronger than our love."
Oh Richard. Please don't do this. I'm so sorry. Can't you see the lie in my eyes?...
The Seeker took a deep breath, nervousness and anticipation making the hands clammy that held her own. He was so sweet when he was unsure, yet desperate to bring it through to the end.
"Kahlan Amnell, I love you. Do you want to marry me?"
There was no sound in the air. Everyone held their breath.
And Kahlan felt like she might die. If it was possible to be torn in two without magic, she was just a hair's breadth away from breaking apart at the seams. Her eyes flicked to the side and met guarded, cyan green for a second, for an eternity, before the red-clad figure vanished in the shadows.
Stay strong. You are a Confessor.
This is for the good of Aydindril.
You have to keep the line intact.
Cara. If only.
"Yes." Her voice cracked and the tear that slipped down her cheek was the evidence of her heart breaking, but no one understood its meaning, as her lips were stretched into the most perfect fake smile she had ever created in her life.
The room erupted into cheers, a lot of them as fake as the mask over her face. People clapped and threw congratulations in their direction. Richard looked like the happiest man alive, clasping her head between his hands and giving her a sweet kiss and she hated herself for wishing that his lips belonged to a different person.
The brunette felt that everything passed by in a blur, as if she was standing beside herself and observed how she shook hands, accepted good wishes and basically appeared like her dream had come true. No one noted the defeated deadness in hooded blue, the lively sparkle lost to the dark of the night.
It was only when she grew dizzy, almost keeling over in her masquerade, that she decided that she needed to get away from this right now. Whispering a quick excuse in Richard's ear and waving away Zedd's helping hand, she hurried to the large double doors that symbolized her freedom, if only for a short while.
She kept the royal guards at their spot beside the pillars with a pointed look, a flick of her wrist causing the servants to stumble over themselves to open the doors for her. Forcing herself to walk upright and tempered instead of outright fleeing, she crossed the threshold in large steps.
The doors slammed shut. The world was closed off behind them. In the vacant hallway Kahlan put her hands to her face and took a shuddering breath, her tear glands burned close and her insides suffocated and numb.
Will I be able to live this lie for the rest of my life?
"Congratulations on your betrothal," a stoic voice drawled somewhere behind her.
Kahlan whirled around, coming face to face with the woman she wanted most and couldn't have. Unable to force a full smile with Cara so close, she simply nodded her head.
Stay strong.
"Thank you."
"The Lord Rahl is a good mate. The two of you will rule well."
Stark red leather, hugging her curves. Intimidating, full armor covering her skin. Incredible soft, blonde hair draped down her back. Half-open, slight almond eyes, the piercing green dark beside the flickering torch light. The Creator herself had to have carved Cara out of the very material of life, otherwise it would be impossible to explain this kind of perfection.
"This is what I hope for," Kahlan replied as if in a daze. She wanted to touch, to drown in the essence that was the Mord'Sith.
Stay strong.
Cara looked away, pursing her lips in contemplation. Then she stepped out of the shadows and sauntered over to the Confessor that had her hood still drawn atop the dark line of her hair.
"I guess this is what a friend should do in celebration of the proposal," the blonde mused with a furrowed brow and came close enough that Kahlan's breath hitched in wonder.
Cara was hugging her. It was stiff and awkward and the shock had the Mother Confessor rigid, her mouth open in honest suprise. But then the warmth of Cara's hands flat on her shoulder blades was seeping into her skin and she closed her eyelids at the realization that the other woman's gloves were gone again.
Her heart thundering with a glimmer of renewed life, Kahlan raised her own arms in sudden need, wrapping them around Cara's torso and pushing her chin into the smaller woman's neck guard. The hug was friendly and kept on for enough seconds that the blonde started to relax at the close proximity.
Stay strong.
It was when Cara started to indicate that she wanted to draw back that something in the Confessor snapped and she was unable to let go. And friendly turned to needy.
Her fingers dug into the red leather that felt like velvet under her tips. Her face buried itself into the crook of Cara's neck and she found herself clinging to the other woman that had stopped to pull back in bewilderment.
This isn't strength, Sisters. This is running away. This is me carrying my soul to an early grave once I'm married.
There was no odor more fetching than the one of the blonde in her arms and she wanted to breath it in forever, filling her shaking lungs with it for one sweet moment, pressing herself against those heavenly curves.
"Kahlan," the Mord'Sith exhaled into her ear and the Confessor couldn't help but take a step back in shame. Wondering if this was how it felt to leave a paradise behind.
"I'm... I'm sorry," Kahlan murmured, swallowing down a new bout of tears. This was inappropriate and Cara had to suffer for her lack of control. "I'm fine." Another lie, another untruth. Somewhere along the line it failed to matter anymore.
But surprisingly feminine fingers embraced her chin and tilted her head up until gazes met.
Right now they were alone. Every second a royal pair could decide to take their leave or a stroll through the gardens. Richard or Zedd might come looking for her. The overprotective flock of guards might come rushing to see how she was doing.
Yet even if the Keeper himself would've appeared in the shadows surrounding them, he would've been powerless to cut off the pull that held the two women in its grasp.
There was a childlike kind of wonder in Cara's searching gaze, a surprised elation at having found a treasure she hadn't expect to stumble upon. It was like the day Kahlan had met her after the birth of the wisps and she clearly remembered the blonde's awe at what she had experienced. Back then her mind had been focused inward, at the memory of the grotto... this time her eyes and attention were trained on Kahlan and only Kahlan.
And whoever moved first, suddenly their faces were inches apart and they shared every warm breath the other did. Kahlan tangled a strand of Cara's wonderful long hair between her fingers and Cara gently pushed the hood from her head, gliding her hand then down her temple and to her neck.
This was the highest kind of wrong and the least perfect moment they could have ever chosen. And yet it was more unblemished, more true than any other second in time they had ever shared together.
And when Cara's open, full lips touched her own trembling ones in a soft brush, the barest connection of skin against skin, not even the Creator's realm was more beautiful than this. It was all Kahlan wanted and needed. It was everything.
The door to the hallway slammed open.
"Kahlan? Are you okay? I wanted to see how you're doing," Richard spoke into the shadowy corridor in search of his betrothed.
The Seeker had not yet spoken her name fully and Cara was standing five feet away from her as if she had never moved at all, turning her head towards the Lord Rahl with her face void of any emotion. Kahlan was still light-headed and could not tear her vision away from the attractive Mord'Sith.
"I'm fine," she mumbled as if drugged. Her lips burned.
"Really? I don't think so." He quickly stepped close in worry, placing his hands on her shoulder. The touch of female fingers kept lingering at her neck and temple. "You're flushed... and trembling. Kahlan, maybe it's better if you end the party and go to bed."
"Yes," she breathed softly, not looking at him. "You're right."
Green and blue met across the Seeker's back. Cara had her lips pressed together in a thin line. Kahlan almost collapsed at the ghost of this sensual, full pinkness against her own, watching with yearning as the Mord'Sith spun around and vanished in the light and glamour of the ongoing festivities.
Richard held her close, caring and faithful and unaware of what had happened, stroking her hair in an affectionate gesture. But all she could see in the darkness behind her eyelids was the blonde woman.
Was this what you meant what a friend should do? Or was it... more? It's only going to be so much harder to stay away from you, Cara, once I dare to hope.
"Let's go to sleep," she whispered to him with an exhausted note, knowing that she would do anything but that this night.
Stay strong.
____________________
A/N: Excuse me, I'll be over there to bitch and moan and whine and be a sissy about the weather some more once I have enough energy to do so. I'll get back to all your comments once I can look at the screen without pain. *drops dead*