Page of Swords - Author's Notes
Before You Read:
This is more for my benefit than anyone else's - to give me perspective on my writing style and try to organize my thoughts into something coherent when it's usually not coherent in the least - but if you're interested, feel free to browse!
(Reading the story first is definitely recommended)
--This fic is my amateur attempt at writing a descriptive character study. It's based entirely on internal conflict and is entirely character-driven. As a consequence, I had to cut out some action sequences that I really wanted to include, but everything suffers for the sake of time.
--I had to rush through the last bits, but it's not the ending specifically, that's just not the way I write. Amazingly, I think it still ended up working well, or better than I thought, anyway.
CHARACTERIZATIONS:
Draco: This was obviously the most important characterization in the story, and I slaved over it for so long, lol. I really wanted Draco to be stuck and feel useless, because I think we all go through a period like that when we're growing up, where we don't really believe things are going to get better, but we struggle through them anyway. I wanted to show Draco at the lowest point in his life - up until now (with the possible exception of his 6th year) Draco has lived a relatively charmed life, not knowing much in the way of fear, or failure, or worthlessness. After his failure on the Tower, I think things are thrown into sharp perspective for Draco and he realizes that he is a little boy trying to play in a man's world and that he just doesn't have what it takes. I also really wanted to make him feel like for the first time in his life he didn't deserve whatever he wanted, and that he needed to do something extra to deserve it (love, salvation, etc.). Even at the end of the story, neither Draco or Harry are entirely grown up, but they're getting there.
Severus: I sit very very firmly in the protector!Snape camp, and there's absolutely no chance of budging for me. He may be a bastard, and he may still turn out to be evil (doubtful), but he feels a deep responsibility for certain people in the books, especially Draco and Harry, but his other students as well. As much as he claims to hate it, I think he takes his job as a professor very seriously and would never want any of his students to be harmed. In this story, I wanted to portray him as Draco's real father figure, since Lucius had failed him. He wants Draco to be remorseful for what he's done, which is why he isolates him and induces the memory of his mother's murder while he sleeps. He cares for Draco, probably more than he cares for anyone else besides Dumbledore, and, like many parents, he doesn't want Draco to make any terrible mistakes. I wanted him to treat Draco like he was his own person, however, thus giving him the choice between life or death, and letting him grow up on his own time, letting him work through his problems on his own.
Harry: Like Laertes and Hamlet, I wanted Harry to be a foil for Draco; I wanted him to be confident, well-adjusted, and intense. Harry has no illusions about his power or his role in the war - he knows he kicks ass and he knows his job is to bring down Voldemort (and he's accepted it). One thing I really wanted to stress was Harry's connection to the Darkness. I think Harry has an undeniable connection to the dark inherent in everything, whether because of his connection to Voldemort or just his nature, but I don't think it's a bad thing either. Something A personality test I read awhile ago talked about having the sincere desire to do good and righteous things, but that that desire was so strong that the person would have to also have a deep knowledge of all things Dark and as a consequence may be fascinated by that Darkness. I thought this fit Harry's canon personality perfectly. The difference in this story is that Harry accepts that connection and doesn't try to fight it - he has no desire to do anything Dark, but neither is he afraid of that Darkness.
Original Inspiration:
Rain - Edward Thomas
Rain, midnight rain, nothing but the wild rain
On this bleak hut, and solitude, and me
Remembering again that I shall die
And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks
For washing me cleaner than I have been
Since I was born into this solitude.
Blessed are the dead that the rain rains upon:
But here I pray that none whom once I loved
Is dying to-night or lying still awake
Solitary, listening to the rain,
Either in pain or thus in sympathy
Helpless among the living and the dead,
Like a cold water among broken reeds,
Myriads of broken reeds all still and stiff,
Like me who have no love which this wild rain
Has not dissolved except the love of death,
If love it be towards what is perfect and
Cannot, the tempest tells me, disappoint.
(BEGINNING)
-- This poem was my main inspiration for the feel and setting of the opening. I wanted him to be by himself, somewhere he would have to think about what he'd done. Also, I wanted it to have a sort of Hamlet-y feel (hence the quote in the first part), where he isn't necessarily suicidal yet, but death is looking better and better all the time, and the end of this poem portrays that feeling, like he has nothing left to love except death, which is more beautiful than life in the poet's eyes. Melancholy - that's what I wanted to feel.
SONGS: (all lyrics are PARTIAL and mostly country...which is odd, lol)
Walk Like A Man - Tim McGraw
When the sins of the father are the sins of the son
All you do is crawl when you wanna run
God gave boys their mammas 'cause they always
See their promise and they help them understand
How to walk like a man
The sins of the father are the sins of the son
Crawl before you walk, boy, walk before you run
Come on, stand up straight, I'm proud of you, take my hand
I know you can walk like a man
Your daddy's demons are callin' your name
Don't you listen to 'em, 'cause they got no claim
Temptations may come, that aint no sin
You get stronger every time that you don't give in
The sins of the father are the sins of the son
You can't undo what has been done
You'll have to retrace his footsteps through the sand
And pray you find the love of a girl
Take her by the hand, and walk on
Walk like a man
(SEVERUS'S VISIT)
--When I was thinking of major plot elements for this story, I wasn't really looking for any inspiration, but when this song came on, I couldn't help using it. I thought it was perfect for the relationship I was trying to convey between Draco and his father - he can't change the fact that he killed his mother, but he can change where he goes and what he does after it (originally it's about a son whose father is an abusive drunk). Severus feels like it's his duty to be Draco's father and not only steer him away from a life in the Dark Arts, but help him figure out that he had to put his faith in himself instead of someone else. It also became important later when I decided on the ending and how Draco would find his peace (except, of course, the girl is a boy ;).
Tiny Little Fractures - Snow Patrol
Is there a place I can go
Is there a light to get me there
If I've forgotten what to say
It's because all words are dust
If this is really what you think
How come you won't look me in the eye
Is there a t-shirt I can wear?
Because I'm soakin', look at me
What do you mean I don't love you
I am standing here, aren't I?
(CONCLUSION)
--I owe the entire ending to this song. There are some songs that scream certain ship names at me even though the lyrics don't necessarily make sense, and this was one of them. The more developed the story became, the more the song started to fit, so I used it to help form the ending.
The Wasteland - Children of Eden
Red rock and outcrop stone
And the sun glares off a bleaching bone
There's no comfort or softness here,
There's only the wasteland
The land of the hunter, the stalker and the skinner
Where you're either the diner or the dinner
And the line between man and beast
Keeps getting thinner, in the wasteland
In the wasteland, the land laid waste
The fruit of knowledge is a bitter taste
But the bliss of ignorance can never be replaced
It's lost in the wilderness
Heat-baked and dust storm driven
And one false step stays unforgiven
And all that you know is
You weren't made to live in the wasteland
(PRE-SUICIDE)
--Originally, this is a song about Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden, but I've always seen it as a song that related more to issues of the mind than actual physical wastelands. It talks about being lost in a place where you don't belong, but you can't go back to wherever you came from - just like Draco. Not only is he physically trapped somewhere undesirable, but he's at a place in his life where he just doesn't want to be; his old life is gone, but he hasn't quite started a new one (oh teenagers, lol). Anyway, this wasn't so much inspiring as it just really fit in after I already knew where I wanted to go with his emotional conflicts.
Another Innocent Girl - Alkaline Trio
He likes to pretend that he's all sewn up
It makes for a much stronger case
Bust there's blood underneath that skin
That scar's not so easy to erase
(LIBRARY)
--Once again, a song that didn't really inspire me, but was one that I felt really fit what I was trying to do in the library scene. What he's doing is the medical equivalent of putting a band-aid on a broken bone or using a splint to cure an infection. He's trying to be strong and grown-up, but he doesn't understand everything that entails, and he's going to fail before the end.
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
So hypnotizing I am captivated I am
Vindicated,
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along,
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
(SPYING)
-- He's doing well, trying to heal, and starting to believe in himself again. He's almost blinded, however, by this idea that he needs redemption (or vindication) for what he's done, so he can't see all the good he's doing. I thought this song fit his mindset well, for the middle anyway.
Shattered - Linda Ronstadt
Shattered
Like a windowpane
Broken by a storm
Each tiny piece of me
Lies alone
And scattered
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there
Shattered
Into fragments
Cold and grey
Sweep the pieces
All away
Then no one will ever know
How much it mattered
That something
Deep inside of me
Shattered
(SUICIDE)
--This song hit me after I already had the suicide attempt scene written. I saw how well it fit, and decided to use it to help fit the mood when I was writing the filler around it. Yes, the "shattered windowpane" is just a coincidence, lol.
Like the Rain - Clint Black
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thundercloud that came was one more I might not get through
But on the darkest day there's always light, and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it fallin' in the night, fillin' up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light, I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the windowpane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain, I have fallen for you, and I know just why you
Like the rain, always callin' for you, I'm fallin' for you now
Just like the rain
When the cloud is rollin' over, thunder strikin' me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good, and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you, fallin' like the rain
(END)
--Without very much conscious thought, rain became a huge part of this story. I know it can be seen as a bit cliché, but none of it was done just for fun. This song fits well for the ending of the story - I wanted to show how afraid Draco was of doing anything bad until he realizes that Harry isn't perfect either, but that whatever bad happens they can make it through if they walk together. I didn't want them to make any kind of declarations of undying love or anything like that, but I did want them to realize how important their relationship is.
This is more for my benefit than anyone else's - to give me perspective on my writing style and try to organize my thoughts into something coherent when it's usually not coherent in the least - but if you're interested, feel free to browse!
(Reading the story first is definitely recommended)
--This fic is my amateur attempt at writing a descriptive character study. It's based entirely on internal conflict and is entirely character-driven. As a consequence, I had to cut out some action sequences that I really wanted to include, but everything suffers for the sake of time.
--I had to rush through the last bits, but it's not the ending specifically, that's just not the way I write. Amazingly, I think it still ended up working well, or better than I thought, anyway.
CHARACTERIZATIONS:
Draco: This was obviously the most important characterization in the story, and I slaved over it for so long, lol. I really wanted Draco to be stuck and feel useless, because I think we all go through a period like that when we're growing up, where we don't really believe things are going to get better, but we struggle through them anyway. I wanted to show Draco at the lowest point in his life - up until now (with the possible exception of his 6th year) Draco has lived a relatively charmed life, not knowing much in the way of fear, or failure, or worthlessness. After his failure on the Tower, I think things are thrown into sharp perspective for Draco and he realizes that he is a little boy trying to play in a man's world and that he just doesn't have what it takes. I also really wanted to make him feel like for the first time in his life he didn't deserve whatever he wanted, and that he needed to do something extra to deserve it (love, salvation, etc.). Even at the end of the story, neither Draco or Harry are entirely grown up, but they're getting there.
Severus: I sit very very firmly in the protector!Snape camp, and there's absolutely no chance of budging for me. He may be a bastard, and he may still turn out to be evil (doubtful), but he feels a deep responsibility for certain people in the books, especially Draco and Harry, but his other students as well. As much as he claims to hate it, I think he takes his job as a professor very seriously and would never want any of his students to be harmed. In this story, I wanted to portray him as Draco's real father figure, since Lucius had failed him. He wants Draco to be remorseful for what he's done, which is why he isolates him and induces the memory of his mother's murder while he sleeps. He cares for Draco, probably more than he cares for anyone else besides Dumbledore, and, like many parents, he doesn't want Draco to make any terrible mistakes. I wanted him to treat Draco like he was his own person, however, thus giving him the choice between life or death, and letting him grow up on his own time, letting him work through his problems on his own.
Harry: Like Laertes and Hamlet, I wanted Harry to be a foil for Draco; I wanted him to be confident, well-adjusted, and intense. Harry has no illusions about his power or his role in the war - he knows he kicks ass and he knows his job is to bring down Voldemort (and he's accepted it). One thing I really wanted to stress was Harry's connection to the Darkness. I think Harry has an undeniable connection to the dark inherent in everything, whether because of his connection to Voldemort or just his nature, but I don't think it's a bad thing either. Something A personality test I read awhile ago talked about having the sincere desire to do good and righteous things, but that that desire was so strong that the person would have to also have a deep knowledge of all things Dark and as a consequence may be fascinated by that Darkness. I thought this fit Harry's canon personality perfectly. The difference in this story is that Harry accepts that connection and doesn't try to fight it - he has no desire to do anything Dark, but neither is he afraid of that Darkness.
Original Inspiration:
Rain - Edward Thomas
Rain, midnight rain, nothing but the wild rain
On this bleak hut, and solitude, and me
Remembering again that I shall die
And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks
For washing me cleaner than I have been
Since I was born into this solitude.
Blessed are the dead that the rain rains upon:
But here I pray that none whom once I loved
Is dying to-night or lying still awake
Solitary, listening to the rain,
Either in pain or thus in sympathy
Helpless among the living and the dead,
Like a cold water among broken reeds,
Myriads of broken reeds all still and stiff,
Like me who have no love which this wild rain
Has not dissolved except the love of death,
If love it be towards what is perfect and
Cannot, the tempest tells me, disappoint.
(BEGINNING)
-- This poem was my main inspiration for the feel and setting of the opening. I wanted him to be by himself, somewhere he would have to think about what he'd done. Also, I wanted it to have a sort of Hamlet-y feel (hence the quote in the first part), where he isn't necessarily suicidal yet, but death is looking better and better all the time, and the end of this poem portrays that feeling, like he has nothing left to love except death, which is more beautiful than life in the poet's eyes. Melancholy - that's what I wanted to feel.
SONGS: (all lyrics are PARTIAL and mostly country...which is odd, lol)
Walk Like A Man - Tim McGraw
When the sins of the father are the sins of the son
All you do is crawl when you wanna run
God gave boys their mammas 'cause they always
See their promise and they help them understand
How to walk like a man
The sins of the father are the sins of the son
Crawl before you walk, boy, walk before you run
Come on, stand up straight, I'm proud of you, take my hand
I know you can walk like a man
Your daddy's demons are callin' your name
Don't you listen to 'em, 'cause they got no claim
Temptations may come, that aint no sin
You get stronger every time that you don't give in
The sins of the father are the sins of the son
You can't undo what has been done
You'll have to retrace his footsteps through the sand
And pray you find the love of a girl
Take her by the hand, and walk on
Walk like a man
(SEVERUS'S VISIT)
--When I was thinking of major plot elements for this story, I wasn't really looking for any inspiration, but when this song came on, I couldn't help using it. I thought it was perfect for the relationship I was trying to convey between Draco and his father - he can't change the fact that he killed his mother, but he can change where he goes and what he does after it (originally it's about a son whose father is an abusive drunk). Severus feels like it's his duty to be Draco's father and not only steer him away from a life in the Dark Arts, but help him figure out that he had to put his faith in himself instead of someone else. It also became important later when I decided on the ending and how Draco would find his peace (except, of course, the girl is a boy ;).
Tiny Little Fractures - Snow Patrol
Is there a place I can go
Is there a light to get me there
If I've forgotten what to say
It's because all words are dust
If this is really what you think
How come you won't look me in the eye
Is there a t-shirt I can wear?
Because I'm soakin', look at me
What do you mean I don't love you
I am standing here, aren't I?
(CONCLUSION)
--I owe the entire ending to this song. There are some songs that scream certain ship names at me even though the lyrics don't necessarily make sense, and this was one of them. The more developed the story became, the more the song started to fit, so I used it to help form the ending.
The Wasteland - Children of Eden
Red rock and outcrop stone
And the sun glares off a bleaching bone
There's no comfort or softness here,
There's only the wasteland
The land of the hunter, the stalker and the skinner
Where you're either the diner or the dinner
And the line between man and beast
Keeps getting thinner, in the wasteland
In the wasteland, the land laid waste
The fruit of knowledge is a bitter taste
But the bliss of ignorance can never be replaced
It's lost in the wilderness
Heat-baked and dust storm driven
And one false step stays unforgiven
And all that you know is
You weren't made to live in the wasteland
(PRE-SUICIDE)
--Originally, this is a song about Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden, but I've always seen it as a song that related more to issues of the mind than actual physical wastelands. It talks about being lost in a place where you don't belong, but you can't go back to wherever you came from - just like Draco. Not only is he physically trapped somewhere undesirable, but he's at a place in his life where he just doesn't want to be; his old life is gone, but he hasn't quite started a new one (oh teenagers, lol). Anyway, this wasn't so much inspiring as it just really fit in after I already knew where I wanted to go with his emotional conflicts.
Another Innocent Girl - Alkaline Trio
He likes to pretend that he's all sewn up
It makes for a much stronger case
Bust there's blood underneath that skin
That scar's not so easy to erase
(LIBRARY)
--Once again, a song that didn't really inspire me, but was one that I felt really fit what I was trying to do in the library scene. What he's doing is the medical equivalent of putting a band-aid on a broken bone or using a splint to cure an infection. He's trying to be strong and grown-up, but he doesn't understand everything that entails, and he's going to fail before the end.
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
So hypnotizing I am captivated I am
Vindicated,
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along,
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
(SPYING)
-- He's doing well, trying to heal, and starting to believe in himself again. He's almost blinded, however, by this idea that he needs redemption (or vindication) for what he's done, so he can't see all the good he's doing. I thought this song fit his mindset well, for the middle anyway.
Shattered - Linda Ronstadt
Shattered
Like a windowpane
Broken by a storm
Each tiny piece of me
Lies alone
And scattered
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there
Shattered
Into fragments
Cold and grey
Sweep the pieces
All away
Then no one will ever know
How much it mattered
That something
Deep inside of me
Shattered
(SUICIDE)
--This song hit me after I already had the suicide attempt scene written. I saw how well it fit, and decided to use it to help fit the mood when I was writing the filler around it. Yes, the "shattered windowpane" is just a coincidence, lol.
Like the Rain - Clint Black
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thundercloud that came was one more I might not get through
But on the darkest day there's always light, and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it fallin' in the night, fillin' up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light, I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the windowpane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain, I have fallen for you, and I know just why you
Like the rain, always callin' for you, I'm fallin' for you now
Just like the rain
When the cloud is rollin' over, thunder strikin' me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good, and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you, fallin' like the rain
(END)
--Without very much conscious thought, rain became a huge part of this story. I know it can be seen as a bit cliché, but none of it was done just for fun. This song fits well for the ending of the story - I wanted to show how afraid Draco was of doing anything bad until he realizes that Harry isn't perfect either, but that whatever bad happens they can make it through if they walk together. I didn't want them to make any kind of declarations of undying love or anything like that, but I did want them to realize how important their relationship is.