It's Not Easy Being Green
Title: It’s Not Easy Being Green
Warnings: Mild Language and sexual references
Spoilers: None
Rating: Teen
Author's Notes: Written for the last round of writerinatardis The challenge? We had to include the following two sentences: "How could you? What in the universe were you thinking? I didn't even know that was possible" and "Can we do that again?"
‘How could you?’
‘What in the universe were you thinking?’
‘I didn't even know that was possible!’
The three exclamations sang out, each fighting with the others for dominance and merging into a cacophony that was, by turns, injured, indignant and incredulous.
The TARDIS hummed, unrepentantly, and flashed onto the console display a series of complex glyphs that only one being in all the universe could read.
‘She says,’ said the Doctor, his voice chilly with displeasure, ‘that it was necessary.’
‘Necessary?’ squeaked Rose.
Jack guffawed.
‘What?’ Rose demanded.
Jack attempted to look sheepish, ‘It’s just, that voice, coming out of that body? Can’t not laugh. Sorry!’
Rose attempted to cross her arms, only to discover that they really didn’t seem to want to articulate into that position.
‘Doctor!’ Rose entreated.
The Doctor shrugged.
‘It’s the only way to get Margaret home,’ the Doctor informed her. ‘Raxacoricofallapatorius is a hundred thousand light-years away and after that little trick with the extrapolator the TARDIS is gonna be travelling it the old fashioned way. It’ll take thirty hours. Margaret’s an egg - she needs incubating.’
‘And we need to be Slitheen to do that?’
The Doctor rolled his eyes, ‘Raxacoricofallapatorians, Rose, and yeah, it would seem so.’
‘So how come we’re all green bug-eyed monsters?’ Jack inquired, ‘it doesn’t take three of us to incubate an egg.’
‘Oi! You saying, cause I’m a girl…?’
‘Well, if the big, ugly, green, alien butt fits…’ Jack smirked. Rose walloped him - delighted to discover the substantial reach of her new arms as her clawed hand impacted with the back of his thick skull.
‘Enough!’ barked the Doctor. ‘Both sexes have an incubation pouch. We’ll be sharing babysitting duties.’ When his companions shifted uncomfortably beneath his glare, he nodded and turned his back, reaching for the console. ‘Well,’ he amended, ‘you two will. I need to work on the TARDIS.’
‘Oi, no fair!’ Rose exclaimed.
Jack snorted, trying not to notice the rather unpleasant substance that trickled from his nose as a result. ‘Not gonna happen, Doc!’
The Doctor swung back towards him, his eyes narrowed and pointy teeth bared and Jack stepped back instinctively, ‘Woo, there, cowboy! I’m just saying, ain’t no way those hands are gonna be able to fix anything on the TARDIS, not unless by fixing you mean ripping to shreds?’
The Doctor glanced down at his temporary appendages and sighed. ‘This is ridiculous!’ he grumbled.
The TARDIS rumbled, flickering her lights. The Doctor grunted grumpily. ‘Fine, just don’t expect me to oil under your console anytime soon,’ he sniped. With a deft flick of one long claw, the Doctor nudged Margaret’s egg into the palm of his other hand, handling it with surprising gentleness, before dropping it into a nursery pouch in his potbelly.
‘I’ll take the first shift,’ he informed his companions. ‘You two better get used to those bodies.’
‘What’s to get used to?’ Jack asked, stepping towards the Doctor. As Jack thudded to the grating, entirely incapable of maneavouring his gangly, strangely hinged, alien form, the Doctor huffed in apparent disgust. As he responded, though, he was unable to conceal the small grin that Jack’s clumsiness provoked.
‘You were saying?’
‘What the hell? How does this body work, for god’s sake?’ Jack exclaimed from the ground, oversized arms flailing about as he strove for leverage.
‘Just takes a bit of skill. I’m sure you’ll figure it out… eventually,’ the Doctor informed him smugly.
Jack held his gaze for a beat then wiggled his pronounced brow jauntily, gesturing for Rose to help him up. As Rose reached down, Jack grabbed her and, with a strategic yank, pulled her down on top of him. Rose squealed, giggling madly. The Doctor executed a serviceable storm cloud impression.
With a satisfied glance at the Doctor, Jack redirected his attention to the squirming body splayed atop him. He winked slowly. ‘Have you noticed we’re totally naked, Rose? I’ve dreamt about this.’
Rose gawked at him. ‘You’ve dreamt about this?’
Jack grinned. ‘Well, not this exactly. You weren’t green and portly. But hey, this has possibilities. I’m guessing we’re quite limber! Never miss an opportunity, that’s my motto!’
Rose observed him silently for a moment, a coy grin lurking on her face.
‘Never miss an opportunity, huh?’
Jack nodded.
‘Might be a problem with that, Jack.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Yeah, well, in case you haven’t noticed,’ she leant forward to whisper against his ear, ‘you’re totally lacking man bits!’ Horrified, Jack pushed Rose off of him and stared down at himself.
‘You’ve got to be… Doctor!’
‘What?’
‘I’ve been neutered!’
‘Took your brain with it, did they? Raxacoricofallapatorian’s lay eggs, Jack, they don’t procreate like you humans. Much more efficient. And cleaner.’
‘Time Lords not have man bits, then?’ Rose asked, blinking up at the Doctor innocently, her tongue poking between razor sharp teeth.
‘I’ve got bits,’ the Doctor retorted, affronted.
Jack snorted, ‘Not right now, you don’t!’
‘We are not talking about this,’ the Doctor informed them stuffily, twisting on his heel and stomping off into the depths of his ship. Rose’s giggle and Jack’s full-bellied laugh, pursued him.
*****
Six hours later, Rose and Jack had mastered their new bodies.
‘You’re it!’ shrieked Rose, thumping Jack on the back before haring off down the corridor. With a whoop, Jack took off after her, delighting in the effortless speed his temporary body was capable of. He vaulted round a ninety-degree bend with impressive grace, gaining on Rose’s retreating backside.
‘I’m gonna get you!’ Jack hollered.
With a piercing scream, Rose launched herself towards the ceiling, curling her claws around a support strut and swinging herself upwards. An instant later, Jack shot under her feet. With a triumphant cry, Rose dropped to the floor.
‘Missed!’ she crowed.
Unable to slow his velocity, Jack cannoned into the wall. ‘Shit!’ he exclaimed, crumpling into a messy pile of long arms and muscular legs, his paunch sagging pathetically against the floor. Rose yelped, feeling the impact as if it was her own; Raxacoricofallapatorian senses were seriously alien.
‘You alright?’ she asked solicitously, despite being conscious that he’d done nothing more serious than bruise his left buttock.
‘Of course he’s alright, Rose’ the Doctor snapped, emerging from a nearby room and staring at them sourly. ‘Now, if you two have quite finished, it’s Jack’s turn to babysit.’
‘Aw, Doc! I’m not a family type of man.’
‘Tough.’ The Doctor tossed Margaret at Jack. With a grimace of distaste, Jack caught her and popped the egg into his pouch. With a curt nod, the Doctor stalked off.
‘What’s up with him?’
Rose shrugged. ‘No leather jacket?’
‘Yeah, that would explain it.’
The egg shifted and Jack winced, glaring at his stomach, and the empty space below it, with displeasure.
‘Dunno how this lot evolved,’ he observed. ‘I mean, the whole point about reproduction is the fun you have getting to the kids part!’
‘It’s a bit odd, yeah.’
‘It’s not odd, Rose - it’s tragic. Think about it. No sex. Ever!’
Rose bumped his shoulder. ‘At least it’s not permanent,’ she reassured him.
Jack looked at her mournfully. ‘This is gonna haunt me forever! We’re playing naked tag, and it’s not a prelude to knockout sex. There aren’t enough words to explain how very wrong this is.’
Rose groaned. ‘Jack, is there anything that isn’t a prelude to sex with you?’
Jack pretended to ponder. ‘Nah.’
‘Thought not.’
For a moment, there was silence.
‘So, Rosie, when this is all over - wanna play naked tag?’
******
‘Are we there yet?’
‘For the last time, Rose, no, we are not there yet! Go and get some sleep!’
‘I can’t - she kicks!’
‘Oh, for the love of Rassilon! Give her here!’ Rose offloaded Margaret swiftly.
Jack appeared in the doorway.
‘We there yet, Doc?’
A rubber mallet flew through the air and impacted with Jack’s skull. All three of them winced.
‘What’d I say?’
******
Twelve hours was, the Doctor thought, a really long time.
‘I think my claws look nice in bubblegum pink!’
‘That’s not the point, Rose! You could have blown up! You’re a calcium-based life form right now! You can’t just go about… decorating yourself… without asking me first!’
‘Fine.’
‘We clear?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Good, then.’
‘So, is there anything in nail varnish that could make me explode?’
'No.’
‘Thought not.’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘You said.’
‘Just so long as we’re clear.’
‘Yeah, yeah. Ask first. I got it… So, do you want your toes done? I could paint them black - it’d look a bit like your boots.’
‘That’s it! I’m using the emergency power!’
******
Eighteen hours and twelve minutes after the TARDIS had transformed her occupants into bug-eyed monsters, the ship landed on the outskirts of one of Raxacoricofallapatorius’s larger conurbations. Any Raxacoricofallapatorian who happened to look out their window at that moment would have observed one furious and two furtive looking Raxacoricofallapatorians emerging from an improbably small box.
‘Is the console meant to be smoking like that?’
‘Shut up and walk, Captain!’
‘Ow!’
‘What?’
‘Keep your claws to yourself!’
‘Speed up, then!’
‘Hello! Carrying Margaret. I’ve got to be careful!’
‘Will you two be quiet!’ the Doctor hissed. ‘We’re here.’
Rose and Jack looked at the squat little building in front of them dubiously.
‘That’s a nursery?’
‘Yes, that’s a nursery, Rose. What were you expecting? Fluffy bunnies and bright yellow ducks?’
‘It looks like a bank.’
‘That’s cause it’s like a bank - precious things, eggs.’
‘So how we gonna get our egg inside, then?’ Jack asked.
‘Easy, we put it in there.’ The Doctor pointed. Rose and Jack followed his claw, finding an egg shaped hole in the wall with the words “Night Safe” etched above it.
‘You’ve gotta be kidding!’ Jack exclaimed.
‘Nah. Peaceful, fairly simple bunch, this lot, normally. They don’t expect people to try and sneak things into the bank, do they?’ He turned to Rose, ‘Come on, pop her in, Rose.’
Gingerly, Rose liberated Margaret from her stomach pouch and, with a final affectionate pat, pushed her through the hole in the wall.
The wall lit up and a loud klaxon punctured the air.
‘RUN!’ the Doctor ordered.
‘So,’ Jack panted, as they sprinted towards the TARDIS, ‘simple, trusting lot, these Raxacoricofallapatorians.’
‘You’re not too big to shove out of an airlock, Jack!’
‘Shut up and run,’ Rose screamed, ‘they’ve got vinegar!’
They ran.
A few moments later, the three friends stumbled into the TARDIS, the doors slamming behind them.
‘That was great!’ crowed Jack, flinging his arms around the Doctor and Rose and tumbling them to the floor in a chortling heap.
‘Yeah, nothing like nearly getting exploded to kick-start your day,’ Rose panted sarcastically.
‘That or tea,’ the Doctor deadpanned.
‘I love you guys!’ Jack chuckled, flopping onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. ‘Hey, guys, is it me, or is the ceiling glowing?’
Before the others could respond, the TARDIS pulsed and bright light flooded the room. When it dispersed, three blessedly humanoid forms lay, in a tangle of limbs, where Raxacoricofallapatorians had been. Three blessedly humanoid and entirely naked forms.
‘Now, this I’ve definitely dreamt about!’ Jack observed suggestively, shifting onto his elbow in an attempt to get a better view of Rose.
Rose yelped, slapped his arm smartly and wriggled free. With as much dignity as she could muster with one arm clutching her chest and the other shielding her groin, she marched from the room indignantly.
Jack waggled an eyebrow at the Doctor.
‘I told you, buy me a drink first, Captain,’ the Doctor quipped, jumping to his feet and stalking slowly from the room, giving Jack an impressive view of his toned backside as he went.
With a sigh, Jack rested back on the grating, staring at the pulsing Time Rotor.
‘So,’ he said, smiling as the TARDIS dipped her lights slightly, letting him know she was listening. ‘Playing with weird alien bodies and ending up naked?’ He grinned. ‘Can we do that again?’
Warnings: Mild Language and sexual references
Spoilers: None
Rating: Teen
Author's Notes: Written for the last round of writerinatardis The challenge? We had to include the following two sentences: "How could you? What in the universe were you thinking? I didn't even know that was possible" and "Can we do that again?"
‘How could you?’
‘What in the universe were you thinking?’
‘I didn't even know that was possible!’
The three exclamations sang out, each fighting with the others for dominance and merging into a cacophony that was, by turns, injured, indignant and incredulous.
The TARDIS hummed, unrepentantly, and flashed onto the console display a series of complex glyphs that only one being in all the universe could read.
‘She says,’ said the Doctor, his voice chilly with displeasure, ‘that it was necessary.’
‘Necessary?’ squeaked Rose.
Jack guffawed.
‘What?’ Rose demanded.
Jack attempted to look sheepish, ‘It’s just, that voice, coming out of that body? Can’t not laugh. Sorry!’
Rose attempted to cross her arms, only to discover that they really didn’t seem to want to articulate into that position.
‘Doctor!’ Rose entreated.
The Doctor shrugged.
‘It’s the only way to get Margaret home,’ the Doctor informed her. ‘Raxacoricofallapatorius is a hundred thousand light-years away and after that little trick with the extrapolator the TARDIS is gonna be travelling it the old fashioned way. It’ll take thirty hours. Margaret’s an egg - she needs incubating.’
‘And we need to be Slitheen to do that?’
The Doctor rolled his eyes, ‘Raxacoricofallapatorians, Rose, and yeah, it would seem so.’
‘So how come we’re all green bug-eyed monsters?’ Jack inquired, ‘it doesn’t take three of us to incubate an egg.’
‘Oi! You saying, cause I’m a girl…?’
‘Well, if the big, ugly, green, alien butt fits…’ Jack smirked. Rose walloped him - delighted to discover the substantial reach of her new arms as her clawed hand impacted with the back of his thick skull.
‘Enough!’ barked the Doctor. ‘Both sexes have an incubation pouch. We’ll be sharing babysitting duties.’ When his companions shifted uncomfortably beneath his glare, he nodded and turned his back, reaching for the console. ‘Well,’ he amended, ‘you two will. I need to work on the TARDIS.’
‘Oi, no fair!’ Rose exclaimed.
Jack snorted, trying not to notice the rather unpleasant substance that trickled from his nose as a result. ‘Not gonna happen, Doc!’
The Doctor swung back towards him, his eyes narrowed and pointy teeth bared and Jack stepped back instinctively, ‘Woo, there, cowboy! I’m just saying, ain’t no way those hands are gonna be able to fix anything on the TARDIS, not unless by fixing you mean ripping to shreds?’
The Doctor glanced down at his temporary appendages and sighed. ‘This is ridiculous!’ he grumbled.
The TARDIS rumbled, flickering her lights. The Doctor grunted grumpily. ‘Fine, just don’t expect me to oil under your console anytime soon,’ he sniped. With a deft flick of one long claw, the Doctor nudged Margaret’s egg into the palm of his other hand, handling it with surprising gentleness, before dropping it into a nursery pouch in his potbelly.
‘I’ll take the first shift,’ he informed his companions. ‘You two better get used to those bodies.’
‘What’s to get used to?’ Jack asked, stepping towards the Doctor. As Jack thudded to the grating, entirely incapable of maneavouring his gangly, strangely hinged, alien form, the Doctor huffed in apparent disgust. As he responded, though, he was unable to conceal the small grin that Jack’s clumsiness provoked.
‘You were saying?’
‘What the hell? How does this body work, for god’s sake?’ Jack exclaimed from the ground, oversized arms flailing about as he strove for leverage.
‘Just takes a bit of skill. I’m sure you’ll figure it out… eventually,’ the Doctor informed him smugly.
Jack held his gaze for a beat then wiggled his pronounced brow jauntily, gesturing for Rose to help him up. As Rose reached down, Jack grabbed her and, with a strategic yank, pulled her down on top of him. Rose squealed, giggling madly. The Doctor executed a serviceable storm cloud impression.
With a satisfied glance at the Doctor, Jack redirected his attention to the squirming body splayed atop him. He winked slowly. ‘Have you noticed we’re totally naked, Rose? I’ve dreamt about this.’
Rose gawked at him. ‘You’ve dreamt about this?’
Jack grinned. ‘Well, not this exactly. You weren’t green and portly. But hey, this has possibilities. I’m guessing we’re quite limber! Never miss an opportunity, that’s my motto!’
Rose observed him silently for a moment, a coy grin lurking on her face.
‘Never miss an opportunity, huh?’
Jack nodded.
‘Might be a problem with that, Jack.’
‘Oh yeah?’
‘Yeah, well, in case you haven’t noticed,’ she leant forward to whisper against his ear, ‘you’re totally lacking man bits!’ Horrified, Jack pushed Rose off of him and stared down at himself.
‘You’ve got to be… Doctor!’
‘What?’
‘I’ve been neutered!’
‘Took your brain with it, did they? Raxacoricofallapatorian’s lay eggs, Jack, they don’t procreate like you humans. Much more efficient. And cleaner.’
‘Time Lords not have man bits, then?’ Rose asked, blinking up at the Doctor innocently, her tongue poking between razor sharp teeth.
‘I’ve got bits,’ the Doctor retorted, affronted.
Jack snorted, ‘Not right now, you don’t!’
‘We are not talking about this,’ the Doctor informed them stuffily, twisting on his heel and stomping off into the depths of his ship. Rose’s giggle and Jack’s full-bellied laugh, pursued him.
*****
Six hours later, Rose and Jack had mastered their new bodies.
‘You’re it!’ shrieked Rose, thumping Jack on the back before haring off down the corridor. With a whoop, Jack took off after her, delighting in the effortless speed his temporary body was capable of. He vaulted round a ninety-degree bend with impressive grace, gaining on Rose’s retreating backside.
‘I’m gonna get you!’ Jack hollered.
With a piercing scream, Rose launched herself towards the ceiling, curling her claws around a support strut and swinging herself upwards. An instant later, Jack shot under her feet. With a triumphant cry, Rose dropped to the floor.
‘Missed!’ she crowed.
Unable to slow his velocity, Jack cannoned into the wall. ‘Shit!’ he exclaimed, crumpling into a messy pile of long arms and muscular legs, his paunch sagging pathetically against the floor. Rose yelped, feeling the impact as if it was her own; Raxacoricofallapatorian senses were seriously alien.
‘You alright?’ she asked solicitously, despite being conscious that he’d done nothing more serious than bruise his left buttock.
‘Of course he’s alright, Rose’ the Doctor snapped, emerging from a nearby room and staring at them sourly. ‘Now, if you two have quite finished, it’s Jack’s turn to babysit.’
‘Aw, Doc! I’m not a family type of man.’
‘Tough.’ The Doctor tossed Margaret at Jack. With a grimace of distaste, Jack caught her and popped the egg into his pouch. With a curt nod, the Doctor stalked off.
‘What’s up with him?’
Rose shrugged. ‘No leather jacket?’
‘Yeah, that would explain it.’
The egg shifted and Jack winced, glaring at his stomach, and the empty space below it, with displeasure.
‘Dunno how this lot evolved,’ he observed. ‘I mean, the whole point about reproduction is the fun you have getting to the kids part!’
‘It’s a bit odd, yeah.’
‘It’s not odd, Rose - it’s tragic. Think about it. No sex. Ever!’
Rose bumped his shoulder. ‘At least it’s not permanent,’ she reassured him.
Jack looked at her mournfully. ‘This is gonna haunt me forever! We’re playing naked tag, and it’s not a prelude to knockout sex. There aren’t enough words to explain how very wrong this is.’
Rose groaned. ‘Jack, is there anything that isn’t a prelude to sex with you?’
Jack pretended to ponder. ‘Nah.’
‘Thought not.’
For a moment, there was silence.
‘So, Rosie, when this is all over - wanna play naked tag?’
******
‘Are we there yet?’
‘For the last time, Rose, no, we are not there yet! Go and get some sleep!’
‘I can’t - she kicks!’
‘Oh, for the love of Rassilon! Give her here!’ Rose offloaded Margaret swiftly.
Jack appeared in the doorway.
‘We there yet, Doc?’
A rubber mallet flew through the air and impacted with Jack’s skull. All three of them winced.
‘What’d I say?’
******
Twelve hours was, the Doctor thought, a really long time.
‘I think my claws look nice in bubblegum pink!’
‘That’s not the point, Rose! You could have blown up! You’re a calcium-based life form right now! You can’t just go about… decorating yourself… without asking me first!’
‘Fine.’
‘We clear?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Good, then.’
‘So, is there anything in nail varnish that could make me explode?’
'No.’
‘Thought not.’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘You said.’
‘Just so long as we’re clear.’
‘Yeah, yeah. Ask first. I got it… So, do you want your toes done? I could paint them black - it’d look a bit like your boots.’
‘That’s it! I’m using the emergency power!’
******
Eighteen hours and twelve minutes after the TARDIS had transformed her occupants into bug-eyed monsters, the ship landed on the outskirts of one of Raxacoricofallapatorius’s larger conurbations. Any Raxacoricofallapatorian who happened to look out their window at that moment would have observed one furious and two furtive looking Raxacoricofallapatorians emerging from an improbably small box.
‘Is the console meant to be smoking like that?’
‘Shut up and walk, Captain!’
‘Ow!’
‘What?’
‘Keep your claws to yourself!’
‘Speed up, then!’
‘Hello! Carrying Margaret. I’ve got to be careful!’
‘Will you two be quiet!’ the Doctor hissed. ‘We’re here.’
Rose and Jack looked at the squat little building in front of them dubiously.
‘That’s a nursery?’
‘Yes, that’s a nursery, Rose. What were you expecting? Fluffy bunnies and bright yellow ducks?’
‘It looks like a bank.’
‘That’s cause it’s like a bank - precious things, eggs.’
‘So how we gonna get our egg inside, then?’ Jack asked.
‘Easy, we put it in there.’ The Doctor pointed. Rose and Jack followed his claw, finding an egg shaped hole in the wall with the words “Night Safe” etched above it.
‘You’ve gotta be kidding!’ Jack exclaimed.
‘Nah. Peaceful, fairly simple bunch, this lot, normally. They don’t expect people to try and sneak things into the bank, do they?’ He turned to Rose, ‘Come on, pop her in, Rose.’
Gingerly, Rose liberated Margaret from her stomach pouch and, with a final affectionate pat, pushed her through the hole in the wall.
The wall lit up and a loud klaxon punctured the air.
‘RUN!’ the Doctor ordered.
‘So,’ Jack panted, as they sprinted towards the TARDIS, ‘simple, trusting lot, these Raxacoricofallapatorians.’
‘You’re not too big to shove out of an airlock, Jack!’
‘Shut up and run,’ Rose screamed, ‘they’ve got vinegar!’
They ran.
A few moments later, the three friends stumbled into the TARDIS, the doors slamming behind them.
‘That was great!’ crowed Jack, flinging his arms around the Doctor and Rose and tumbling them to the floor in a chortling heap.
‘Yeah, nothing like nearly getting exploded to kick-start your day,’ Rose panted sarcastically.
‘That or tea,’ the Doctor deadpanned.
‘I love you guys!’ Jack chuckled, flopping onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. ‘Hey, guys, is it me, or is the ceiling glowing?’
Before the others could respond, the TARDIS pulsed and bright light flooded the room. When it dispersed, three blessedly humanoid forms lay, in a tangle of limbs, where Raxacoricofallapatorians had been. Three blessedly humanoid and entirely naked forms.
‘Now, this I’ve definitely dreamt about!’ Jack observed suggestively, shifting onto his elbow in an attempt to get a better view of Rose.
Rose yelped, slapped his arm smartly and wriggled free. With as much dignity as she could muster with one arm clutching her chest and the other shielding her groin, she marched from the room indignantly.
Jack waggled an eyebrow at the Doctor.
‘I told you, buy me a drink first, Captain,’ the Doctor quipped, jumping to his feet and stalking slowly from the room, giving Jack an impressive view of his toned backside as he went.
With a sigh, Jack rested back on the grating, staring at the pulsing Time Rotor.
‘So,’ he said, smiling as the TARDIS dipped her lights slightly, letting him know she was listening. ‘Playing with weird alien bodies and ending up naked?’ He grinned. ‘Can we do that again?’