National Lampoon's 'Doctor and Master Search for the Chimp.'

[lostdoctor]

"Pst, I think he went that way," the Doctor keeps a low profile as he scurries across the floor. They had managed to trap the Chimp in the TARDIS, but where exactly was anyone's guess

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[paradoxlost]

The Master is scowling and nursing his hand.

"I hope the bloody thing isn't rabid!" He snarls at the Doctor, still partially embedded under the console, but eying him.

There's a delighted "Tally-HO!" and the furious Timelord is forced to throw himself sideways as something of fair size, black.. and yellow leaps past his ear and swings around one of the supporting columns.

Keeping the Doctor happy was never easy at the best of times.
He pulls the laser screwdriver and aims it at the ape.
"I'm. Going. To. Kill. Him...."

[lostdoctor]

Hearing the scuffle, the Doctor clambers out of his nook. Seeing the Master's intent, he follows in the Chimp's footsteps and swats at him.

"Put that thing away, you blithering idiot! That Chimp's holding some very necessary qualities of mine for ransom!"

"Too right 'e has!" Squawks the Chimp, still dangling from the strut, "and they're mine to keep, you vagabonds!" If he weren't such a dignified ape, he'd be tossing poop right about now.

(("Tally-HO!" that. is. brilliant!))

[paradoxlost]

The idea of a Doctor with less of the compassion and more of the homicidal tendencies still rather appeals to the Master. For this reason, thus far, he's not been too worried about what happens to the stupid chimp.

The Librarian indeed. Had he been a Timelord he'd have been laughed out of the Academy.

But if he does kill it, then it's very likely that the Doctor might turn psychotic on him. Signs of which seem to be coming forth right about now.

"Wheres your coat?" He barks. "We can throw it over him... or something!"

[lostdoctor]

Psychotic, enter stage right. Of course, he's more likely to see that if he merely tries to kill it. Perhaps it's best the Master doesn't find out that if the Chimp dies, so too does the Doctor.

"Ah! Of course, now where is it," the stand it would normally be sitting on is bare, and he dreads to contemplate combing the wardrobe for it. Bigger on the inside and all that. He spots it strewn over the tank with his severed hand and picks it up.

"Alright, now we can do this the easy way. You can come down from there, or you're getting a face-full of thrift shop bargains!"

[paradoxlost]

Vaguely enjoying the mental picture of the Doctor having a tidy library and tearing at his hair over the matter; the Master steps back slightly, well aware of the TARDIS's notoriety for ... well quite frankly being a heap of junk that never works as it's supposed to.

And now the chimp is making all manner of promises about becoming an efficient evil minion, if only the Master would just bop the Doctor over the head or something.

"Tempting." He muses, "But no, I need you OUT of my life far more than I need you in it."

He's observing the Doctor fastening the crocodile clips, when thought occurs.
"Hold on a minute.." He snaps, "Are you telling me I don't get to hook you up? Or flick any switches? After all that malarkey??"

[lostdoctor]

Both the Doctor and the Chimp freeze at the suggestion. They confer quietly, and the Chimp returns, "We've been talking, and decided that it is in our mutual interest that you go nowhere near any high-voltage currents."

"Maybe once I've reversed the polarity he could hit the activator?" Seems like not only has he not got any of his usual common sense, but won't listen to the monkey that ran off with it.

"You ruddy idiot, you're going to get us both killed. Short two planks, you are! Medic!"

"Alright, see that switch there?" the Doctor is in actual fact pointing at a bike pump hooked directly into the TARDIS, "Pump it as soon as I reverse the polarity. Got that?"

The Chimp is spitting curses thick and fast now. If we clean it up it isn't really a sentence. Nodding at the Master, the Doctor activates his screwdriver. Sparks shoot from the panel, knocking the two hooked up to it from their feet.

[paradoxlost]

Muttering and cursing under his breath, using many of the choice words the chimp just flung at the Doctor, the Master examines the bicycle pump with despair.

He'd envisaged some sophisticated and shiny medical apparatus, that involved sticking several needles into the other Timelord. And nice big tube or something to go down his throat and shut him UP.

Oh and yes. Pain.

The Master takes hold of the pump and gets ready for a little exertion. In spite of all those pleasant dreams he pumps the stupid thing for all he's worth.

"Does it hurt yet?" He snarls above the sparks and the general din of electrical buzzing and crackling around him.

Suddenly there's one hell of a lot of light surrounding both Doctor and chimp. It's almost like a regeneration, and the resulting howl from the Doctor would indicate that. Yes. Probably it hurts a fair old bit.

((ooc: gee, I hope I didn't 'godmode' there?))

[lostdoctor]

It certainly does. Imagine a very large current passing through a poorly grounded subject whilst having half their concious rammed back in their skull and you're not far off. The TARDIS is bathed in orange-gold light as Doctor and Chimp become one and the same.

Once the process is complete and the biological explosion has died down, there remains one fully functional Doctor. Except he's still wired up to the TARDIS. His suit is starting to smoke just a little.

"For God's sake, get this things off me!" He shouts, scrabbling at the crocodile clips.

((not at all!))

[paradoxlost]

Sour. He'll give the Doctor bloody sour. With extra citric acid.. no make that hydrofluoric, excessively corrosive.

Urgh, that's sickening. Why does he always have to do that?

As the TARDIS lurches violently, the Master is already holding the guard rail so tightly his knuckles whiten. Some things never change. had he not used her as a paradox Maxine, he'd have had her running smoothly and efficiently. Would have Sorted out those damn mood circuits as well.

He misses his paradox machine. Bastards.

It's always a damned mercy when the thing stops.

"Oh after you." He insists nobly. If The Idiot has landed them in the middle of Vesuvius or some dark star, he'd rather not be the first to find out.

[lostdoctor]

The door is opened and the Doctor sticks his head through. Hmm, what looks like a storeroom. Indecisively classic plastering, but you can never be too careful. He darts out in typical 'I'm the Doctor, I've got places to go!' fashion and opens the storeroom door.

Ah. He stands on the nave of Winchester Cathedral, one of the country's largest. Oh, mid-service too. Well at least they're in the right time and place. Both priest and congregation look at him rather peculiarly. Some of them are perched somewhat precariously underneath wooden scaffolding that reaches high into the huge arched roof above.

"Of course!" The Doctor cries, positively beaming, "Winchester, 1907! Middle of the refurbishment. This place is on the verge of bloody collapse- pardon my French padre. Pardon the interruption, come to think of it."

[paradoxlost]

Before leaving the Master quickly checks the date on the console monitor. Bloody brilliant. Maybe it IS the 19th and not the 17th of April but that will do nicely.

He merely raises an eyebrow at the congregation staring at tech arrival of two Timelords in the cathedral. Silly little people and their backdated belief systems. If only they knew it before them now stand two gods. Even if one of them does constantly refuse to accept the role.

"I won't pretend I'm not stupefied that you finally got something right." He remarks to the Doctor, whilst pulling on his black gloves.
"And only two days out! You do yourself proud. Now I suggest you bugger off before the whole place falls in on you. I'm off to Southampton. Bye-bye."

And with that, he starts to stroll down the aisle towards the double doors, ignoring the goggling humans.

[lostdoctor]

The Doctor watches the Master down the aisle, then turns back to the storeroom, adding to his perplexed audience, "I'll get out of your hair. Carry on, Reverend."

Back in the TARDIS, he makes to usual motions towards take-off. It only takes three laps of the console, too.

Then, mid-flight, he ascends to the upper tier. There sit the still-smoking overcoat by the blackened circuitry panel. When he lifts the coat, there's nothing underneath.

Alone again.