Losing Love, AoixKai, [ONESHOT]

Mar 14, 2010 21:34



Title:Losing Love
Author: losseflame 
Chapters: ONESHOT
Genre: Angst, angst and oh, did I forget to mention ANGST?
Warnings: Cruel Aoi
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: AoixKai
Synopsis:Maybe they’d still be in some fucked up, dysfunctional, happy, apple-pie, patch-work contradiction-filled thing they tried to call a relationship.
Comments: Hey. 1337_lurker  here. Because losseflame  can't lj-cut for her life, I've hacked into her account to fix it for her. I'm also going to make her a fic archive. And post this at the same time. Cheers~!



“I’m going to see other people.” Kai’s looking at him, and Aoi wonders the reason for the sudden statement. Will it change anything? Is he expecting Aoi to object, to encourage?

Aoi smirks bitterly.

“Good for you.” The words are quiet, whispered around a cigarette and seem no more substantial than the smoke they’re keeping company. Aoi’s strumming after practice and there’s a bottle of some shit he only bought to get drunk-to numb the pain of another night alone- another night without Kai- and now Kai’s looking at him, and goddamn, what does he want from Aoi?

He doesn’t know.

Fuck, Aoi doesn’t know what he wants, either. If he wants Kai back or if he wants to never see him again-good luck with that, Ruki would hunt them down and kill them if they quit the band.

It was always a guessing game, always hit-and-miss, with Kai. This statement’s no different. Aoi can feel it in the look he’s getting, the one where there’s some fucking points chart and everything from his body language to the volume of his voice is being analyzed. He always feels naked and horribly exposed when this happens, cause he knows that he’ll fail, fall short of the mark.

He’s good at doing that. Failing Kai, that is.

But he deserves it. He’s well aware that if maybe Kai hadn’t trusted him so damn much and kept analyzing him, observing him, then maybe Aoi wouldn’t halve freaked out like a commitment-phobic teenager and screwed them over.

Maybe they’d still be in some fucked up, dysfunctional, happy, apple-pie, patch-work contradiction-filled thing they tried to call a relationship.

He hears Kai sigh, hears the scrape of a chair being pulled up and the full weight of Uke Yutaka slumping onto it-slumping, because Aoi- even if it’s just a couple words exchanged- drains his energy like a succubus. Aoi hates that he can’t do what Kai did for him- let him feed off of his unending energy and happiness and let some of that light shock a little life into what Aoi consider his quickly dying inside.

But Aoi can’t and Aoi won’t and the light that Kai always seems to give off is dim, like maybe Kai gave just a bit too much of himself to Aoi and couldn’t get it back when Aoi destroyed everything they shared together.

All because Kai trusted him a bit too much.

Aoi isn’t good with trust. He always has a nasty habit of breaking it.

He sighs, and Kai sighs and Aoi pulls the cigarette out and goes to replace it with the neck of the bottle, grimacing as the strong liquid burns his throat and oesophagus on the way down. He’s used to it, though. It’s not the first time he’s favoured the bottle.

Kai grasps his wrist and pulls it away from his mouth, an emotion Aoi can’t read well flashing over his face. Aoi wonders why he bothers. Is it his mothering instincts unwilling to let his bandmate- not friend, not lover, anymore- waste away with booze and smoke?

Aoi snatches his wrist out of Kai’s hand, even though it hurts and aches and kills him.

Kai says nothing, just continues watching, analyzing, observing.

Not interfering. Kai gave up on that.

Aoi’s good at that, too. Making people give up.

Kai almost smiles, Aoi’s frown is so familiar, and Aoi can see for a moment he lets himself forget for a moment and care, but then he remembers what Aoi did and what Kai just told him.

So he leans back and looks at the ceiling and Aoi hates that he already misses those eyes on him.

“So, is that all you’re gonna say? ‘Good for you’?” Kai’s voice is quiet, so quiet, and filled with a kind of soft pain one only gets when they’re much to used to the hurt they’re feeling.

“What do you want me to say? Want me to give you my blessing? You know I’m to damn selfish.” And in the game of hit-and-miss Aoi always plays for Kai, he misses.

Missing things. Moments, feelings, people. Aoi’s a master at that.

Kai laughs and it’s angry and sharp and rather like shattered glass, glittery and dangerous but always beautiful, and Aoi wished that he’d do something more than just laugh. Yell. Break things. Hit him. Anything more than laughing and falling into the kind of silence you only get between two broken people.

“Aoi, this is the last-the last thing I’m ever going to ask you that goes beyond ‘pass me that’ or ‘what do you think of this?’. Promise me you’ll tell me the truth.” And his voice is soft and pleading and so damn vulnerable, all Aoi can do is look down and nod.

Aoi questions how Kai can trust him even enough to answer a question truthfully, since the last couple months before the end was only lies and half-truths and sadness and hurt, weaving together with silence and wrapping around them, choking and uncomfortable.

He nods, though, and Kai takes that as enough.

“Why?” Kai’s voice is quiet and Aoi is shocked, because it isn’t what he’s expecting. But he promised to answer and Aoi’s already broken so many of his promises he made to Kai, and if he did it again Aoi thought that maybe he’d be killing off a part of himself he still wanted. The part that actually gave a shit.

But Kai wouldn’t like the answer.

It would make him hate Aoi more that he probably already does.

But, what the fuck, Kai’s going to get someone else to care for him and heals his wounds- the ones that Aoi inflicted- and maybe by the end of it when Kai’s deep enough in his happy ending he’ll forgive Aoi and they could be friends, like the way they were before all this.

Aoi takes a drag of his cigarette, letting the smoke burn through and poison him slowly, before expelling it all, letting only the memory of it linger. The smoke was gone, unable to burn him any longer.

Fuck, he wished feelings were as easy as smoking.

Kai is waiting for him to answer, looking at him with those studying eyes.

Aoi flicked the butt onto the floor and let it smoulder there.

“Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.” He hears Kai suck in a breath as if he was just punched, and the air is filled with so many unsaid words and unaddressed feelings filling the air between them Aoi thinks he’s going to choke, and the breath Aoi takes stretches his chest and it fucking aches.

And then Kai sighs and rolls his head back, and Aoi lights up another cigarette and waits. He can tell everything’s being added up in Kai’s mind, that he’s being measured and graded.

And Kai pushes the chair away- the metal scrapes the floor loudly- and gets up, walking away from Aoi in a way he can’t say he wasn’t expecting. The door closes quietly, even though Kai probably wanted to slam it loudly.

“I’m sorry.” The words and whispered and mix in with smoke, unheard and un-acknowledged. And then the smoke disappears and Aoi is left with silence.

***

A/N:I am ridiculously proud of this. I don’t even know why. I just really like it. I like it so much I’m going to tell you what to listen while you read it to get the full experience.

23 Days- Framing Hanely. I was listening to this song and then this came and I wrote it and I’m happy.

Wow, for someone that sucks at writing angst I'm not half-bad at writing angst.

aoixkai, the gazette

Previous post Next post
Up