f my childhood
Don't Feel No Solitude
4000 words, PG-13, J2 AU
Commander Jensen Ackles is really not good with that stupid ranger being in love with him. He's also not exactly thrilled that they're on a mission to Mars together, but it's not like he can do anything about it. AKA, a Babylon 5 J2 AU. Somehow more detrimental to my childhood than an Anne of Green Gables J2 AU. I cannot justify my childhood.
"Why am I going?" asks Jensen.
"I can't go," says Danneel.
"So have McCoy or Murray go," he grumbles.
"I'm not asking you, Ackles," she says. "It's an order."
Jensen knows why he's going. He's going because ever since Jared Padalecki showed up on the station, everyone has wanted the two of them to get together, and this is Danneel's idea of helping.
"I just think I can do more good here," says Jensen. "Not running around Mars with Jared."
"This isn't a vacation," says Danneel, but something about the way her lips quirk on it makes Jensen think that bad things are in his immediate future. "It's a mission. This is important, Commander Ackles."
"I know it's important," Jensen grants. "I just don't see why I'm the best man for this job."
"The two of you work well together," says Danneel, which is infuriatingly true. He and Jared are a great team. "And I need people I can trust on this."
"You trust McCoy."
"Are you disobeying a direct order, Commander?"
Jensen sighs. "No."
Danneel smiles again. "Jared's very excited."
"Of course he is."
*
Jensen doesn't mind Jared, except that Jared has a huge--thing for him. At first, when Jared had just arrived, he thought Jared just wanted to sleep with him. Jensen isn't exactly unaccustomed to being hit on; he's an attractive guy, and he knows it. He even thought about fucking him, just to get Jared to leave him alone, but Jared was never quite what he expected. He always managed to catch Jensen off-guard.
He realized it was a little more serious--and a lot more terrifying--the one time he made the mistake of asking Jared about his love life, when they were on yet another mission together, because Misha also thinks he's a matchmaker.
"Anyone waiting for you back home?" Jared asked. "I mean, you know. A girlfriend or something."
"Nah," said Jensen. He thought of Michael--he tried to never think of Michael, because that way lay despair and alcohol abuse--and shook his head. "Not for a while. You?"
Jared laughed a little. "There isn't even a home waiting for me back home."
"Really?"
"Shadows," he said, a little gruffly.
"I'm sorry."
Jared gave him a smile, more enthusiasm than genuineness, and said, "There is someone."
"Oh?"
"I hope so, anyway." He ducked his head. "I want there to be."
"You haven't told her?"
Jared gave him a look, amused and a little impatient. "I want to do it right, you know? It takes time."
"Wow," said Jensen, shaking his head. "I haven't sat down and wooed anyone since I lost my virginity."
"Exactly," said Jared, too cheerfully.
It took Jensen a minute to process. "What?"
Jared's face was the picture of innocence. "What?"
"You haven't--I mean--"
"That's really so hard to believe?" asked Jared.
"Yes! God, how do you--"
"It's not like I don't have hands," said Jared, holding them up and wiggling his fingers. Jensen flushed. "I just--I don't see the point if I'm not in love?"
"Wow. That's a lucky girl."
Jared found that hilarious. "I'm glad you think so."
In retrospect, he feels stupid, not realizing that someone who's saving himself for true love wouldn't be looking for a quick fuck.
So Jared must think he's in love with Jensen. And Jensen doesn't think it's a good idea for them to spend months alone on Mars. Jared's a good guy, and Jensen's just--Jensen has been betrayed by everyone he's ever loved, has hurt people and been hurt. Sometimes he feels like he's made of nothing but pain and bitterness, like he doesn't have room for anything good inside him anymore.
And the scariest part is that he thinks Jared knows that.
He goes to Misha.
Misha came to him when he first went through his metamorphosis, trying to learn about being human. He's still not perfect at it, but he's not supposed to be. He at least learned about hair-care, and he and Jensen are kind of friends. Or at least friendly.
"Do you have another ranger you could send?"
"Another ranger?" asks Misha, cocking his head. "To Mars?"
"Yes."
"I thought you liked Jared."
"I do," says Jensen.
"He's the ranger most familiar with our situation. I don't see any reason to send anyone else."
"We need him on the station," says Jensen.
Misha looks at him for a long moment, like he's looking through Jensen into his soul. He knows Misha isn't a telepath, but he feels more dangerous.
"Jensen," says Misha finally. "I understand that want happened between you and Michael was very difficult. But you should not close your eyes to other possibilities."
Jensen doesn't respond for a minute. Then he sighs. "So we're going."
"I think that's for the best," says Misha.
"You would," Jensen grumbles.
*
Jared's waiting for him by the docking bay, of course. He probably knew that if was late, Jensen would leave without him.
"You know," says Jared conversationally, "you could pretend to be happy about this."
"Why would I do that?" asks Jensen.
"To make me feel better," says Jared, but he's grinning so wide it's hard for Jensen to believe he's upset about anything.
"Did you have a gallon of coffee?" asks Jensen. "Or are you just freakishly cheerful?"
"Are you kidding?" asks Jared. "I'm going to Mars with the most attractive Commander of an independent space station in the universe. Who wouldn't be cheerful?"
"If you're like this the whole time we're on this trip, I'm going to shoot you in the face," says Jensen, throwing his bag into their first ship. Jared set up their route--cargo ship to cargo ship, going around for fucking weeks in dirty transports to keep from getting caught. It's going to be a very long trip.
"That would seriously jeopardize our mission," says Jared sunnily.
"I can't believe you're excited for this," Jensen grumbles.
"There's no one else I'd rather be stuck with for weeks on end," says Jared.
It's so honest and heartfelt that it makes something ache inside Jensen. "I might still shoot you," says Jensen.
Jared grins. "I'll take my chances."
*
"We could play tic-tac-toe," Jared suggests.
"No," says Jensen, rolling his eyes.
"Twenty questions?"
"Do you ever shut up?"
"I'm bored!" says Jared. "Don't you get bored?"
"I'm trying to sleep," says Jensen, repositioning on the ground. "This is the least comfortable ship I've ever been on."
There's a rustling, and then something lands on Jensen. He opens his eyes and sees Jared's cloak on him. He blinks.
Jared smiles. "I thought that might help."
Jensen feels himself flushing, and hates it. He doesn't want to break Jared's heart. Jared should find some pretty girl, some nice guy, someone who can appreciate Jared. Someone who isn't old beyond his years, tired and overused.
"How old are you?" he asks Jared, pulling the cloak over himself, trying to get comfortable.
"Me?" asks Jared. "Thirty."
"Why did you become a ranger?"
There's a silence, and he opens his eyes to see Jared smiling at him from across the room, looking amused and fond. "My older brother, Jeff," he says. "He was a ranger."
Jensen nods. "He died?"
"Shadows," Jared says simply.
"Minbari War," says Jensen quietly. "My older brother was a pilot."
"I'm sorry," says Jared.
"Me too." He settles back, closes his eyes. He hasn't told many people about Josh--it's not his favorite topic. The fact that his whole family is dead isn't something he likes to broadcast. "Your parents?"
"Pretty much everyone," says Jared. "I was one of the only survivors." He laughs shortly. "There was this guy there--I thought we were going to--but he died too."
Jensen swallows. "So, you're--"
"A gay virgin?" asks Jared. He sounds amused about it. "Yeah."
"So that girl--"
"Not a girl," Jared agrees.
"Any progress on that?" he asks, because he hates himself.
"Not yet," says Jared softly. "He's not really the romancing type."
"Mm," says Jensen.
"But I live in hope," says Jared cheerfully.
"Good for you," says Jensen. "I'm going to sleep."
"Night Jensen," says Jared.
Jared is definitely, totally, completely talking about him.
It's not exactly a surprise, but he doesn't have to like it.
*
"Hey," says a soft voice, and Jensen blinks his eyes open to see Jared leaning over him, with this ridiculously fond face, like he wants to smell Jensen's rank morning breath forever. Jensen's heart stutters in his chest. "Morning," says Jared. "It's our stop. We gotta switch ships."
Jensen stretches, hearing about seventy of his bones crack. He grabs Jared's cloak and hands it over, letting Jared give him a hand to help him up.
"How far are we from Mars, anyway?"
"We've got another week," says Jared. "Unless you want to stop and sightsee."
Jensen gives him his best glare.
"I just thought you were getting bored," says Jared innocently. "We could pick up some board games. I have magnetic chess."
Jensen once agreed to play one game of chess with Jared on the White Star, and Jared trounced him so thoroughly that Jensen's ego is still smarting a little.
"Pass," he says, shouldering his bag. "You're a shark."
"I'm brilliant," says Jared loftily.
"When are we meeting our contact, anyway?"
"Not until we're actually within spitting distance of Mars," says Jared. "This way."
"I might kill you," says Jensen, conversationally.
Jared snorts. "You can't get enough of me."
"Keep telling yourself that."
"Or I can't get enough of you," says Jared thoughtfully. "Maybe it's that."
Jensen gives him a look, but Jared just grins at him, sunny and warm, like he really means it. Like there is nothing he can think of that's going to be better than spending two weeks with Jensen in smelly cargo holds.
Jensen wants to tell Jared that this is monumentally stupid of him, that he should not do this, that Jensen will break his heart.
Instead, he says, "Can we get a deck of cards?"
Jared grins. "I'm a ranger. I can get anything."
*
"If I ever see another star, I'm going to kill myself."
"You live in space."
"As soon as this is over," says Jensen, leaning against one of the boxes in the cargo bay, "I mean, all this, the whole rebellion thing? I'm going back to Earth. I'm going to walk on the grass, and sleep outside under the stars, and then--have a steak."
Jared laughs. "Big plans. Where are you from, anyway? On Earth, I mean."
"United States. Texas."
"Yeah? That's where my mom was from," says Jared. "I've never been, but she loved it."
"What are you going to do?" asks Jensen.
"I won't stop being a ranger."
"You do get vacation time, right?"
"Yeah," agrees Jared. "I don't really know. It's been a while since--" he laughs. "This is going to sound dumb."
"What?"
"I was pretty angry," he admits. "For a long time. I joined the rangers cuz they mattered to Jeff, and because I wanted to just kill something. I wasn't really thinking about what I wanted for myself, you know?"
"And now you are?" asks Jensen.
Jared smiles warmly. "I definitely want things, yeah."
Jensen swallows. "Jared--"
Jared grins. "Poker or rummy?"
"Jared."
"I like rummy," says Jared. "My poker face sucks. I hear I wear my emotions on my sleeve."
"Yeah, you do."
"You're a lot harder to figure out," says Jared casually. "I hope."
Jensen swallows. "Rummy," he agrees.
*
They're about two days from Earth when their contact finds them. Jensen had let his guard down and--accidentally, clearly--fallen asleep on Jared.
"This is very sweet," he hears, and when he blinks his eyes open, he feels Jared ramrod straight and serious. His arm's around Jensen, holding him close, protecting him.
Jensen's a little offended that Jared thinks he needs it, but he's more focused on the guy in front of them.
"What's a couple nice boys like you doing on a transport like this?"
"None of your business," says Jared.
It's weird to hear Jared so serious and angry. It's not the first time he's witnessed the transformation, but it's still strange. Jensen wears his hostility on his sleeve, everyone knows he's dangerous. Jared seems like the nicest guy in the world; it's hard to remember that he's a fighter.
The guy is older than either of them, bearded and grizzly. Jensen stays quiet, pretends he's still asleep. Jared smells earthy, surprisingly. He doesn't move closer.
"Just trying to make conversation," he says. "We don't get a lot of honeymooners on this kind of ship."
Jensen wants to object to that, but Jared relaxes a little. "Honeymooners?"
"Everywhere that Rossy went, the ranger was sure to go," says the guy. If that is their code, Jensen is going to kill Danneel, even if she is his commanding officer.
"You?" asks Jared. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. Wake up your boyfriend and I'll tell you everything."
"He's already awake," says Jared.
"I hate you," says Jensen.
"You're a great faker, honey," says Jared, squeezing his shoulder. "Don't let anyone tell you different."
Jensen glares at him.
"These are your identicards," says the guy. "Peter Osbourne and Michael Long. Everything should check out perfectly."
Jensen glares at his. "And we're honeymooners," he says flatly.
"It's hard to get passes for couples," says the guy, shrugging. "We have to come up with a convincing story."
"Couldn't we have been brothers or something?"
The guy snorts. "Please, you two don't look a thing alike."
*
"You knew about this," says Jensen, as they're waiting for the leader of the resistance to meet them.
Jared glances over, shrugs. "Misha thought it was important I was informed about our plans."
"And it wasn't important that I was?" asks Jensen.
"He thought you might hit me."
"I still might," says Jensen.
"It's not like it was my idea!" Jared objects. "I mean, I don't mind, but--"
"Commander Ackles?"
Jensen turns, and there's a stunningly beautiful blonde woman behind him. She's the kind of attractive that makes him feel like he's been kicked in the stomach--sudden and overwhelming.
"Hi," he manages. Then he realizes that's pretty rude and unhelpful. "Yes," he says. "Jensen Ackles. You must be Number One?"
"I am," she says. "Jim got you here all right?"
"Yeah, we're all in one piece," he says. "This is Jared Padalecki," he says.
"Hi," says Jared, and it's not nearly as friendly as he usually is. "I'm the muscle."
"Shut up," says Jensen.
Number One looks a little bemused, but nods. "It's too late tonight to have any kind of meeting. The two of you are set up in a hotel. If you'd like to grab some dinner--"
"You two go ahead," says Jared, so falsely cheerful Jensen kind of wants to punch him. "I'm exhausted."
When Jensen looks at him, he's trying to look as chipper and enthusiastic as he can, and Jensen fucking hates him, because he wouldn't be able to enjoy dinner with a beautiful woman knowing that Jared was back at the hotel, sulking.
"Me too," says Jensen with a bright smile. "What's the hotel again?"
"Red Planet," says Number One, glancing between them. "Honeymoon suite," she adds, like she's waiting for an explanation.
"Huh," says Jensen. "Fancy that."
*
"You could've gone," says Jared.
There is one bed. Which Jensen kind of expected, but still. One bed! For both him and Jared. And, sure, it's a big bed, but Jared is a big guy, and Jensen is too, and touching is probably going to become involved.
"I didn't want to."
Jared snorts. "Jensen, I'm not an idiot," he says. "I know you're not--I'm not stupid. I'm not delusional. I don't think you're--" he laughs shortly. "Everyone knows. I'm not subtle. I'm not trying to trick you, or--"
"Is there a point here, Jared?"
"I know you don't want me," says Jared flatly.
It's the worst phrasing, because the problem isn't want. Jared is a very attractive, and Jensen wouldn't mind--
But it's not just that for Jared. It's love and devotion and fairy tale endings, butterflies and unicorns and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He looks at Jensen like he's been waiting his whole life for him, and Jensen's whole life has been preparing him to push people away.
"Hell," Jared continues, with a sad little laugh, "I don't even know if you like guys--"
"I had someone," Jensen says. "The station telepath, before Jessica," he says. "His name was Michael. And he--wasn't what I thought. He was programmed, and he betrayed me. We hadn't even--" he sighs. "Jared. I suck at this. Everyone I have ever loved has died, or betrayed me, or betrayed me and then died. Not that I'm cursed, or anything stupid like that, but fuck. I'm not the guy you should--" he breathes out. "You can do better. You should do better."
Jared stares at him. "Well," he says, after a minute, "I don't really care. It's not like I'm in love with you because I think we deserve each other."
Jensen knew Jared was in love with him, had figured it out, but it's very different to hear him say it.
"But I get it," says Jared again. "You're not interested in me."
Jensen practically snarls, grabs the front of Jared's cloak and yanks him down to kiss him.
It's not really a good kiss, and Jensen hopes to God that Jared has kissed people before, because he's thirty, and if this is his first kiss, it's not a good one. He doesn't even give him time to respond before he pulls away.
"I'm not not interested in you," he says, letting Jared go. He wanted to say something better, but he didn't, and now it's there, and he wishes he'd said something better.
But Jared smiles like Jensen just gave him the best present in the world, like that's all he's ever wanted to hear in his life. "You're not?" he asks.
"Too fucking many negatives," Jensen mutters. "Look, Jared--I'm not good for this."
"I don't really care," says Jared earnestly. "If you're going to be not good, then--I'd like if you were not good with me. But I'm not going to stop loving you just because you think I should. I'm not even gonna wish I could do that because--" he grins, laughs unsteadily, and looks at his hands. "There's a chance, right? Someday?"
"Jared--"
"Or not," he says, but he's still smiling.
"I give up," Jensen mutters, and he kisses Jared again.
Jared must have kissed some people before, because he's kissing Jensen back with fervor, like he's dying of need. And for all Jensen knows he might be--he can't imagine being in love with someone for a year and half and getting nothing but grief from them.
Jared maneuvers them back, and suddenly Jensen's legs are hitting the bed and he's flat on his back with Jared pushing him down and pretty much fucking his mouth.
And then, just as suddenly, Jared stops, the weight on him is gone, and Jared's next to him on the bed, panting.
"Holy crap," says Jared.
"First kiss?"
"I'm a virgin, not a monk," scoffs Jared. "But first in a while."
"I guess if we're doing this, we have to do it right."
"Dinner and flowers," agrees Jared. "Holding hands in the Zocolo."
"This is our honeymoon," Jensen points out.
Jared laughs. "Our real honeymoon is going to be way better than this."
It's the earnest way he says it that really drives home for Jensen that this means something to Jared. Not that he didn't know, but Jared is in this forever. Jared's set on him.
But he can't actually stop that. Jared's in love with him no matter what. He's tried to be as unappealing and discouraging as possible, and Jared just keeps on loving him.
"I really don't want to fuck this up," Jensen admits.
"So we'll go slow," says Jared. He doesn't seem to care. He hasn't stopped grinning since Jensen kissed him. "You want to get dinner?"
"Yeah," says Jensen. "I could eat."
*
"Welcome back, Commander," says Danneel. She's smirking. Jensen reminds himself that he would know if she was reading his mind, and therefore there is absolutely no way she could know that he spent the last five hours snuggling with Jared in a cargo bay.
Of course, Jared is grinning so wide he looks like he's under the influence of some kind of drugs, so it's not they're being that subtle.
"Good trip?" asks Danneel.
"We've got the support of the Mars resistance," says Jensen. "So I'd say so."
"Any security problems, Jared?"
"Nothing I couldn't handle," says Jared brightly. "I should go report to Entil'zha." He bows to Danneel, grins at Jensen, and leaves.
Danneel watches with amusement. "He's in a good mood," she observes.
Jensen shrugs awkwardly. "Did you want my debriefing now, or can I sleep first?"
Danneel laughs. "Take a nap, Commander." She smiles. "You seem pretty happy too," she adds.
Jensen tries to look annoyed, but he thinks it comes out too amused for her to buy it. "I don't think that's any of your business, Captain Harris."
"I'm trying to figure out if I owe my fiance money."
"Are you and Ambassador Misha really so bored you're betting on my personal life? Because we have a war going on, you know."
"Go get some sleep, Commander," says Danneel. "And stop sassing me. I don't like it."
"I'll report in the morning, sir."
"It is morning."
"I'll report when I wake up," he corrects.
"Then you're dismissed."
When he gets to his quarters, Jared is leaning against the wall, casually.
"Subtle," says Jensen.
"I'm tired," says Jared.
"You have your own quarters."
"I like yours."
"You've never been in mine."
"So we should correct that," says Jared.
Jensen shakes his head and opens the door. Jared looks around, thoughtfully. "Not a lot of stuff," he observes.
Jensen shrugs. "I'm not here that much. And I'm exhausted, so either get in the bed or get out."
"Like that's even a choice," says Jared, taking off his cloak.
Jensen pauses in unbuttoning his shirt. "Did Ambassador Misha tell you who won the bet?"
Jared snorts. "He did."
"Of course."
"He's also very happy for us."
"Of course."
Jared grins. "I didn't tell him, he's just--Misha."
Jensen sighs. "Or you're just obvious."
Jared shrugs, totally unapologetic. "Your bed looks really uncomfortable," he observes.
"So we'll go to yours next time. Shut up and go to sleep."
Jared kisses the back of his neck, which Jensen wants to find sappy and dumb, but mostly just makes him feel warm all over. "Night, Jensen."
"Morning."
"Morning, Jensen," he amends.
Jensen lets himself cuddle close, and tries not to think about anything but that, the feeling of Jared behind him, arms strong and warm and alive. "Morning, Jared."
4000 words, PG-13, J2 AU
Commander Jensen Ackles is really not good with that stupid ranger being in love with him. He's also not exactly thrilled that they're on a mission to Mars together, but it's not like he can do anything about it. AKA, a Babylon 5 J2 AU. Somehow more detrimental to my childhood than an Anne of Green Gables J2 AU. I cannot justify my childhood.
"Why am I going?" asks Jensen.
"I can't go," says Danneel.
"So have McCoy or Murray go," he grumbles.
"I'm not asking you, Ackles," she says. "It's an order."
Jensen knows why he's going. He's going because ever since Jared Padalecki showed up on the station, everyone has wanted the two of them to get together, and this is Danneel's idea of helping.
"I just think I can do more good here," says Jensen. "Not running around Mars with Jared."
"This isn't a vacation," says Danneel, but something about the way her lips quirk on it makes Jensen think that bad things are in his immediate future. "It's a mission. This is important, Commander Ackles."
"I know it's important," Jensen grants. "I just don't see why I'm the best man for this job."
"The two of you work well together," says Danneel, which is infuriatingly true. He and Jared are a great team. "And I need people I can trust on this."
"You trust McCoy."
"Are you disobeying a direct order, Commander?"
Jensen sighs. "No."
Danneel smiles again. "Jared's very excited."
"Of course he is."
*
Jensen doesn't mind Jared, except that Jared has a huge--thing for him. At first, when Jared had just arrived, he thought Jared just wanted to sleep with him. Jensen isn't exactly unaccustomed to being hit on; he's an attractive guy, and he knows it. He even thought about fucking him, just to get Jared to leave him alone, but Jared was never quite what he expected. He always managed to catch Jensen off-guard.
He realized it was a little more serious--and a lot more terrifying--the one time he made the mistake of asking Jared about his love life, when they were on yet another mission together, because Misha also thinks he's a matchmaker.
"Anyone waiting for you back home?" Jared asked. "I mean, you know. A girlfriend or something."
"Nah," said Jensen. He thought of Michael--he tried to never think of Michael, because that way lay despair and alcohol abuse--and shook his head. "Not for a while. You?"
Jared laughed a little. "There isn't even a home waiting for me back home."
"Really?"
"Shadows," he said, a little gruffly.
"I'm sorry."
Jared gave him a smile, more enthusiasm than genuineness, and said, "There is someone."
"Oh?"
"I hope so, anyway." He ducked his head. "I want there to be."
"You haven't told her?"
Jared gave him a look, amused and a little impatient. "I want to do it right, you know? It takes time."
"Wow," said Jensen, shaking his head. "I haven't sat down and wooed anyone since I lost my virginity."
"Exactly," said Jared, too cheerfully.
It took Jensen a minute to process. "What?"
Jared's face was the picture of innocence. "What?"
"You haven't--I mean--"
"That's really so hard to believe?" asked Jared.
"Yes! God, how do you--"
"It's not like I don't have hands," said Jared, holding them up and wiggling his fingers. Jensen flushed. "I just--I don't see the point if I'm not in love?"
"Wow. That's a lucky girl."
Jared found that hilarious. "I'm glad you think so."
In retrospect, he feels stupid, not realizing that someone who's saving himself for true love wouldn't be looking for a quick fuck.
So Jared must think he's in love with Jensen. And Jensen doesn't think it's a good idea for them to spend months alone on Mars. Jared's a good guy, and Jensen's just--Jensen has been betrayed by everyone he's ever loved, has hurt people and been hurt. Sometimes he feels like he's made of nothing but pain and bitterness, like he doesn't have room for anything good inside him anymore.
And the scariest part is that he thinks Jared knows that.
He goes to Misha.
Misha came to him when he first went through his metamorphosis, trying to learn about being human. He's still not perfect at it, but he's not supposed to be. He at least learned about hair-care, and he and Jensen are kind of friends. Or at least friendly.
"Do you have another ranger you could send?"
"Another ranger?" asks Misha, cocking his head. "To Mars?"
"Yes."
"I thought you liked Jared."
"I do," says Jensen.
"He's the ranger most familiar with our situation. I don't see any reason to send anyone else."
"We need him on the station," says Jensen.
Misha looks at him for a long moment, like he's looking through Jensen into his soul. He knows Misha isn't a telepath, but he feels more dangerous.
"Jensen," says Misha finally. "I understand that want happened between you and Michael was very difficult. But you should not close your eyes to other possibilities."
Jensen doesn't respond for a minute. Then he sighs. "So we're going."
"I think that's for the best," says Misha.
"You would," Jensen grumbles.
*
Jared's waiting for him by the docking bay, of course. He probably knew that if was late, Jensen would leave without him.
"You know," says Jared conversationally, "you could pretend to be happy about this."
"Why would I do that?" asks Jensen.
"To make me feel better," says Jared, but he's grinning so wide it's hard for Jensen to believe he's upset about anything.
"Did you have a gallon of coffee?" asks Jensen. "Or are you just freakishly cheerful?"
"Are you kidding?" asks Jared. "I'm going to Mars with the most attractive Commander of an independent space station in the universe. Who wouldn't be cheerful?"
"If you're like this the whole time we're on this trip, I'm going to shoot you in the face," says Jensen, throwing his bag into their first ship. Jared set up their route--cargo ship to cargo ship, going around for fucking weeks in dirty transports to keep from getting caught. It's going to be a very long trip.
"That would seriously jeopardize our mission," says Jared sunnily.
"I can't believe you're excited for this," Jensen grumbles.
"There's no one else I'd rather be stuck with for weeks on end," says Jared.
It's so honest and heartfelt that it makes something ache inside Jensen. "I might still shoot you," says Jensen.
Jared grins. "I'll take my chances."
*
"We could play tic-tac-toe," Jared suggests.
"No," says Jensen, rolling his eyes.
"Twenty questions?"
"Do you ever shut up?"
"I'm bored!" says Jared. "Don't you get bored?"
"I'm trying to sleep," says Jensen, repositioning on the ground. "This is the least comfortable ship I've ever been on."
There's a rustling, and then something lands on Jensen. He opens his eyes and sees Jared's cloak on him. He blinks.
Jared smiles. "I thought that might help."
Jensen feels himself flushing, and hates it. He doesn't want to break Jared's heart. Jared should find some pretty girl, some nice guy, someone who can appreciate Jared. Someone who isn't old beyond his years, tired and overused.
"How old are you?" he asks Jared, pulling the cloak over himself, trying to get comfortable.
"Me?" asks Jared. "Thirty."
"Why did you become a ranger?"
There's a silence, and he opens his eyes to see Jared smiling at him from across the room, looking amused and fond. "My older brother, Jeff," he says. "He was a ranger."
Jensen nods. "He died?"
"Shadows," Jared says simply.
"Minbari War," says Jensen quietly. "My older brother was a pilot."
"I'm sorry," says Jared.
"Me too." He settles back, closes his eyes. He hasn't told many people about Josh--it's not his favorite topic. The fact that his whole family is dead isn't something he likes to broadcast. "Your parents?"
"Pretty much everyone," says Jared. "I was one of the only survivors." He laughs shortly. "There was this guy there--I thought we were going to--but he died too."
Jensen swallows. "So, you're--"
"A gay virgin?" asks Jared. He sounds amused about it. "Yeah."
"So that girl--"
"Not a girl," Jared agrees.
"Any progress on that?" he asks, because he hates himself.
"Not yet," says Jared softly. "He's not really the romancing type."
"Mm," says Jensen.
"But I live in hope," says Jared cheerfully.
"Good for you," says Jensen. "I'm going to sleep."
"Night Jensen," says Jared.
Jared is definitely, totally, completely talking about him.
It's not exactly a surprise, but he doesn't have to like it.
*
"Hey," says a soft voice, and Jensen blinks his eyes open to see Jared leaning over him, with this ridiculously fond face, like he wants to smell Jensen's rank morning breath forever. Jensen's heart stutters in his chest. "Morning," says Jared. "It's our stop. We gotta switch ships."
Jensen stretches, hearing about seventy of his bones crack. He grabs Jared's cloak and hands it over, letting Jared give him a hand to help him up.
"How far are we from Mars, anyway?"
"We've got another week," says Jared. "Unless you want to stop and sightsee."
Jensen gives him his best glare.
"I just thought you were getting bored," says Jared innocently. "We could pick up some board games. I have magnetic chess."
Jensen once agreed to play one game of chess with Jared on the White Star, and Jared trounced him so thoroughly that Jensen's ego is still smarting a little.
"Pass," he says, shouldering his bag. "You're a shark."
"I'm brilliant," says Jared loftily.
"When are we meeting our contact, anyway?"
"Not until we're actually within spitting distance of Mars," says Jared. "This way."
"I might kill you," says Jensen, conversationally.
Jared snorts. "You can't get enough of me."
"Keep telling yourself that."
"Or I can't get enough of you," says Jared thoughtfully. "Maybe it's that."
Jensen gives him a look, but Jared just grins at him, sunny and warm, like he really means it. Like there is nothing he can think of that's going to be better than spending two weeks with Jensen in smelly cargo holds.
Jensen wants to tell Jared that this is monumentally stupid of him, that he should not do this, that Jensen will break his heart.
Instead, he says, "Can we get a deck of cards?"
Jared grins. "I'm a ranger. I can get anything."
*
"If I ever see another star, I'm going to kill myself."
"You live in space."
"As soon as this is over," says Jensen, leaning against one of the boxes in the cargo bay, "I mean, all this, the whole rebellion thing? I'm going back to Earth. I'm going to walk on the grass, and sleep outside under the stars, and then--have a steak."
Jared laughs. "Big plans. Where are you from, anyway? On Earth, I mean."
"United States. Texas."
"Yeah? That's where my mom was from," says Jared. "I've never been, but she loved it."
"What are you going to do?" asks Jensen.
"I won't stop being a ranger."
"You do get vacation time, right?"
"Yeah," agrees Jared. "I don't really know. It's been a while since--" he laughs. "This is going to sound dumb."
"What?"
"I was pretty angry," he admits. "For a long time. I joined the rangers cuz they mattered to Jeff, and because I wanted to just kill something. I wasn't really thinking about what I wanted for myself, you know?"
"And now you are?" asks Jensen.
Jared smiles warmly. "I definitely want things, yeah."
Jensen swallows. "Jared--"
Jared grins. "Poker or rummy?"
"Jared."
"I like rummy," says Jared. "My poker face sucks. I hear I wear my emotions on my sleeve."
"Yeah, you do."
"You're a lot harder to figure out," says Jared casually. "I hope."
Jensen swallows. "Rummy," he agrees.
*
They're about two days from Earth when their contact finds them. Jensen had let his guard down and--accidentally, clearly--fallen asleep on Jared.
"This is very sweet," he hears, and when he blinks his eyes open, he feels Jared ramrod straight and serious. His arm's around Jensen, holding him close, protecting him.
Jensen's a little offended that Jared thinks he needs it, but he's more focused on the guy in front of them.
"What's a couple nice boys like you doing on a transport like this?"
"None of your business," says Jared.
It's weird to hear Jared so serious and angry. It's not the first time he's witnessed the transformation, but it's still strange. Jensen wears his hostility on his sleeve, everyone knows he's dangerous. Jared seems like the nicest guy in the world; it's hard to remember that he's a fighter.
The guy is older than either of them, bearded and grizzly. Jensen stays quiet, pretends he's still asleep. Jared smells earthy, surprisingly. He doesn't move closer.
"Just trying to make conversation," he says. "We don't get a lot of honeymooners on this kind of ship."
Jensen wants to object to that, but Jared relaxes a little. "Honeymooners?"
"Everywhere that Rossy went, the ranger was sure to go," says the guy. If that is their code, Jensen is going to kill Danneel, even if she is his commanding officer.
"You?" asks Jared. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. Wake up your boyfriend and I'll tell you everything."
"He's already awake," says Jared.
"I hate you," says Jensen.
"You're a great faker, honey," says Jared, squeezing his shoulder. "Don't let anyone tell you different."
Jensen glares at him.
"These are your identicards," says the guy. "Peter Osbourne and Michael Long. Everything should check out perfectly."
Jensen glares at his. "And we're honeymooners," he says flatly.
"It's hard to get passes for couples," says the guy, shrugging. "We have to come up with a convincing story."
"Couldn't we have been brothers or something?"
The guy snorts. "Please, you two don't look a thing alike."
*
"You knew about this," says Jensen, as they're waiting for the leader of the resistance to meet them.
Jared glances over, shrugs. "Misha thought it was important I was informed about our plans."
"And it wasn't important that I was?" asks Jensen.
"He thought you might hit me."
"I still might," says Jensen.
"It's not like it was my idea!" Jared objects. "I mean, I don't mind, but--"
"Commander Ackles?"
Jensen turns, and there's a stunningly beautiful blonde woman behind him. She's the kind of attractive that makes him feel like he's been kicked in the stomach--sudden and overwhelming.
"Hi," he manages. Then he realizes that's pretty rude and unhelpful. "Yes," he says. "Jensen Ackles. You must be Number One?"
"I am," she says. "Jim got you here all right?"
"Yeah, we're all in one piece," he says. "This is Jared Padalecki," he says.
"Hi," says Jared, and it's not nearly as friendly as he usually is. "I'm the muscle."
"Shut up," says Jensen.
Number One looks a little bemused, but nods. "It's too late tonight to have any kind of meeting. The two of you are set up in a hotel. If you'd like to grab some dinner--"
"You two go ahead," says Jared, so falsely cheerful Jensen kind of wants to punch him. "I'm exhausted."
When Jensen looks at him, he's trying to look as chipper and enthusiastic as he can, and Jensen fucking hates him, because he wouldn't be able to enjoy dinner with a beautiful woman knowing that Jared was back at the hotel, sulking.
"Me too," says Jensen with a bright smile. "What's the hotel again?"
"Red Planet," says Number One, glancing between them. "Honeymoon suite," she adds, like she's waiting for an explanation.
"Huh," says Jensen. "Fancy that."
*
"You could've gone," says Jared.
There is one bed. Which Jensen kind of expected, but still. One bed! For both him and Jared. And, sure, it's a big bed, but Jared is a big guy, and Jensen is too, and touching is probably going to become involved.
"I didn't want to."
Jared snorts. "Jensen, I'm not an idiot," he says. "I know you're not--I'm not stupid. I'm not delusional. I don't think you're--" he laughs shortly. "Everyone knows. I'm not subtle. I'm not trying to trick you, or--"
"Is there a point here, Jared?"
"I know you don't want me," says Jared flatly.
It's the worst phrasing, because the problem isn't want. Jared is a very attractive, and Jensen wouldn't mind--
But it's not just that for Jared. It's love and devotion and fairy tale endings, butterflies and unicorns and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He looks at Jensen like he's been waiting his whole life for him, and Jensen's whole life has been preparing him to push people away.
"Hell," Jared continues, with a sad little laugh, "I don't even know if you like guys--"
"I had someone," Jensen says. "The station telepath, before Jessica," he says. "His name was Michael. And he--wasn't what I thought. He was programmed, and he betrayed me. We hadn't even--" he sighs. "Jared. I suck at this. Everyone I have ever loved has died, or betrayed me, or betrayed me and then died. Not that I'm cursed, or anything stupid like that, but fuck. I'm not the guy you should--" he breathes out. "You can do better. You should do better."
Jared stares at him. "Well," he says, after a minute, "I don't really care. It's not like I'm in love with you because I think we deserve each other."
Jensen knew Jared was in love with him, had figured it out, but it's very different to hear him say it.
"But I get it," says Jared again. "You're not interested in me."
Jensen practically snarls, grabs the front of Jared's cloak and yanks him down to kiss him.
It's not really a good kiss, and Jensen hopes to God that Jared has kissed people before, because he's thirty, and if this is his first kiss, it's not a good one. He doesn't even give him time to respond before he pulls away.
"I'm not not interested in you," he says, letting Jared go. He wanted to say something better, but he didn't, and now it's there, and he wishes he'd said something better.
But Jared smiles like Jensen just gave him the best present in the world, like that's all he's ever wanted to hear in his life. "You're not?" he asks.
"Too fucking many negatives," Jensen mutters. "Look, Jared--I'm not good for this."
"I don't really care," says Jared earnestly. "If you're going to be not good, then--I'd like if you were not good with me. But I'm not going to stop loving you just because you think I should. I'm not even gonna wish I could do that because--" he grins, laughs unsteadily, and looks at his hands. "There's a chance, right? Someday?"
"Jared--"
"Or not," he says, but he's still smiling.
"I give up," Jensen mutters, and he kisses Jared again.
Jared must have kissed some people before, because he's kissing Jensen back with fervor, like he's dying of need. And for all Jensen knows he might be--he can't imagine being in love with someone for a year and half and getting nothing but grief from them.
Jared maneuvers them back, and suddenly Jensen's legs are hitting the bed and he's flat on his back with Jared pushing him down and pretty much fucking his mouth.
And then, just as suddenly, Jared stops, the weight on him is gone, and Jared's next to him on the bed, panting.
"Holy crap," says Jared.
"First kiss?"
"I'm a virgin, not a monk," scoffs Jared. "But first in a while."
"I guess if we're doing this, we have to do it right."
"Dinner and flowers," agrees Jared. "Holding hands in the Zocolo."
"This is our honeymoon," Jensen points out.
Jared laughs. "Our real honeymoon is going to be way better than this."
It's the earnest way he says it that really drives home for Jensen that this means something to Jared. Not that he didn't know, but Jared is in this forever. Jared's set on him.
But he can't actually stop that. Jared's in love with him no matter what. He's tried to be as unappealing and discouraging as possible, and Jared just keeps on loving him.
"I really don't want to fuck this up," Jensen admits.
"So we'll go slow," says Jared. He doesn't seem to care. He hasn't stopped grinning since Jensen kissed him. "You want to get dinner?"
"Yeah," says Jensen. "I could eat."
*
"Welcome back, Commander," says Danneel. She's smirking. Jensen reminds himself that he would know if she was reading his mind, and therefore there is absolutely no way she could know that he spent the last five hours snuggling with Jared in a cargo bay.
Of course, Jared is grinning so wide he looks like he's under the influence of some kind of drugs, so it's not they're being that subtle.
"Good trip?" asks Danneel.
"We've got the support of the Mars resistance," says Jensen. "So I'd say so."
"Any security problems, Jared?"
"Nothing I couldn't handle," says Jared brightly. "I should go report to Entil'zha." He bows to Danneel, grins at Jensen, and leaves.
Danneel watches with amusement. "He's in a good mood," she observes.
Jensen shrugs awkwardly. "Did you want my debriefing now, or can I sleep first?"
Danneel laughs. "Take a nap, Commander." She smiles. "You seem pretty happy too," she adds.
Jensen tries to look annoyed, but he thinks it comes out too amused for her to buy it. "I don't think that's any of your business, Captain Harris."
"I'm trying to figure out if I owe my fiance money."
"Are you and Ambassador Misha really so bored you're betting on my personal life? Because we have a war going on, you know."
"Go get some sleep, Commander," says Danneel. "And stop sassing me. I don't like it."
"I'll report in the morning, sir."
"It is morning."
"I'll report when I wake up," he corrects.
"Then you're dismissed."
When he gets to his quarters, Jared is leaning against the wall, casually.
"Subtle," says Jensen.
"I'm tired," says Jared.
"You have your own quarters."
"I like yours."
"You've never been in mine."
"So we should correct that," says Jared.
Jensen shakes his head and opens the door. Jared looks around, thoughtfully. "Not a lot of stuff," he observes.
Jensen shrugs. "I'm not here that much. And I'm exhausted, so either get in the bed or get out."
"Like that's even a choice," says Jared, taking off his cloak.
Jensen pauses in unbuttoning his shirt. "Did Ambassador Misha tell you who won the bet?"
Jared snorts. "He did."
"Of course."
"He's also very happy for us."
"Of course."
Jared grins. "I didn't tell him, he's just--Misha."
Jensen sighs. "Or you're just obvious."
Jared shrugs, totally unapologetic. "Your bed looks really uncomfortable," he observes.
"So we'll go to yours next time. Shut up and go to sleep."
Jared kisses the back of his neck, which Jensen wants to find sappy and dumb, but mostly just makes him feel warm all over. "Night, Jensen."
"Morning."
"Morning, Jensen," he amends.
Jensen lets himself cuddle close, and tries not to think about anything but that, the feeling of Jared behind him, arms strong and warm and alive. "Morning, Jared."