(no subject)
umiyama koete [crossing oceans and mountains]
522 coda, 672 words, PG, gen, FAST AND LOOSE because, you know, this is what I had to do as a human being to be able go to bed.
What Sam wants is to break down everything between him and Dean--walls, people, trees, mountains, whatever. The sum of the world between them should be more, so that he can destroy it.
This, he thinks, is the remains of Lucifer, in his body, in his fingertips.
But he is not Lucifer. He's not.
There is a door, and he does not open it.
This is him being human; this is him making choices.
*
Sam doesn't really believe that Dean will be happier without him.
He just believes that Dean's life will be harder with him.
Besides, it's more self-sacrificial to leave him, and that's what Winchesters do.
*
He can't really hunt, because Bobby might find him. He can still feel Lucifer in the back of his head, like an itch, but not fully formed.
Probably, he'll always be there, like the devil on Sam's shoulder.
He stops in a little town called Stamford, in Vermont, that's mostly trees and forests. The woods are full of animals, and no creatures he can find.
He doesn't have any money, he doesn't have any future, and all he wants to do is get to Dean, but he doesn't, because then Dean won't have any future either.
They said their goodbyes; they should stick to them.
*
"I'm attempting to master sarcasm," says Castiel. "Nice place."
"I thought you died," says Sam.
"You also died," says Castiel. "It was something of an epidemic." He fixes Sam with a look. "What are you doing here?"
"I shot a squirrel," says Sam. It was surprisingly hard, given how many things he's shot in his life.
"You should be with your brother."
"How's he doing?"
"I don't know."
"Why aren't you with him?"
"I am needed elsewhere," says Castiel.
"He is too."
"If this entire ridiculous mess has taught me nothing else, it is that the two of you are so pigheaded over each other than destiny falls before you. You cannot possibly tell me you would rather hunt squirrels than be with Dean."
Sam lets out a breath. "He couldn't--look, Dean deserves a family,and he couldn't have one with me. He's too wrapped up in me to ever--get what he wants."
Castiel stares at him for a long minute. "The two of you want exactly the same thing, Sam." He looks at the squirrel, which Sam feels pretty dumb holding, but if he gives it up now, it feels like he's admitting he's wrong. "I would appreciate it if you attempted to not be an idiot. For once in your life."
He's gone before Sam can reply, which makes sense.
*
It's been a week when Sam's phone rings for the first time, and the sound is completely foreign. He's in the yard and his phone is inside, and it's already gone to voicemail by the time he gets to it.
The missed call is from Dean, of course.
"Hey, Sammy, I just--" there are tears thick in Dean's voice. "I didn't really think it would ring. The, uh. Wonders of technology, huh?" There's a long pause. "At least I know you're never gonna hear this." Another pause. "I'll try again next week."
Sam stares at the phone and realizes--their destiny's over.
They don't have to be stupid anymore.
*
It's like Sam added a new wing to his house--if he ever had a house to add to--or maybe he just opened up one that was always there, because now the powers are just his, even though Lucifer is mostly gone.
He's not human anymore, but he's not scared that Dean won't want him.
He's never been less scared of being himself in his life.
When he closes his eyes, he's in Vermont, and when he opens them, he's in front of Lisa's house.
It's noon and the Impala is in the driveway, but the other car isn't, and Dean is sitting in the same place he was the last time Sam saw him.
There are no mountains, there are no worlds between them.
There is a door.
Sam knocks.
522 coda, 672 words, PG, gen, FAST AND LOOSE because, you know, this is what I had to do as a human being to be able go to bed.
What Sam wants is to break down everything between him and Dean--walls, people, trees, mountains, whatever. The sum of the world between them should be more, so that he can destroy it.
This, he thinks, is the remains of Lucifer, in his body, in his fingertips.
But he is not Lucifer. He's not.
There is a door, and he does not open it.
This is him being human; this is him making choices.
*
Sam doesn't really believe that Dean will be happier without him.
He just believes that Dean's life will be harder with him.
Besides, it's more self-sacrificial to leave him, and that's what Winchesters do.
*
He can't really hunt, because Bobby might find him. He can still feel Lucifer in the back of his head, like an itch, but not fully formed.
Probably, he'll always be there, like the devil on Sam's shoulder.
He stops in a little town called Stamford, in Vermont, that's mostly trees and forests. The woods are full of animals, and no creatures he can find.
He doesn't have any money, he doesn't have any future, and all he wants to do is get to Dean, but he doesn't, because then Dean won't have any future either.
They said their goodbyes; they should stick to them.
*
"I'm attempting to master sarcasm," says Castiel. "Nice place."
"I thought you died," says Sam.
"You also died," says Castiel. "It was something of an epidemic." He fixes Sam with a look. "What are you doing here?"
"I shot a squirrel," says Sam. It was surprisingly hard, given how many things he's shot in his life.
"You should be with your brother."
"How's he doing?"
"I don't know."
"Why aren't you with him?"
"I am needed elsewhere," says Castiel.
"He is too."
"If this entire ridiculous mess has taught me nothing else, it is that the two of you are so pigheaded over each other than destiny falls before you. You cannot possibly tell me you would rather hunt squirrels than be with Dean."
Sam lets out a breath. "He couldn't--look, Dean deserves a family,and he couldn't have one with me. He's too wrapped up in me to ever--get what he wants."
Castiel stares at him for a long minute. "The two of you want exactly the same thing, Sam." He looks at the squirrel, which Sam feels pretty dumb holding, but if he gives it up now, it feels like he's admitting he's wrong. "I would appreciate it if you attempted to not be an idiot. For once in your life."
He's gone before Sam can reply, which makes sense.
*
It's been a week when Sam's phone rings for the first time, and the sound is completely foreign. He's in the yard and his phone is inside, and it's already gone to voicemail by the time he gets to it.
The missed call is from Dean, of course.
"Hey, Sammy, I just--" there are tears thick in Dean's voice. "I didn't really think it would ring. The, uh. Wonders of technology, huh?" There's a long pause. "At least I know you're never gonna hear this." Another pause. "I'll try again next week."
Sam stares at the phone and realizes--their destiny's over.
They don't have to be stupid anymore.
*
It's like Sam added a new wing to his house--if he ever had a house to add to--or maybe he just opened up one that was always there, because now the powers are just his, even though Lucifer is mostly gone.
He's not human anymore, but he's not scared that Dean won't want him.
He's never been less scared of being himself in his life.
When he closes his eyes, he's in Vermont, and when he opens them, he's in front of Lisa's house.
It's noon and the Impala is in the driveway, but the other car isn't, and Dean is sitting in the same place he was the last time Sam saw him.
There are no mountains, there are no worlds between them.
There is a door.
Sam knocks.