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This is a tiny and totally pointless fic for idk my bff inupr0n. It is the touching story of Jared Padalecki, who is the unicorn from Robot Unicorn Attack, and Jensen, who is a dolphin.
No, there is no reason for it to exist. And yet it does. MYSTERY.
AND LIVE IN HARMONY HARMONY!!
G, no warnings. Unless unicorns are a warning. Which they should not be.
Sometimes, Jared feels unfulfilled.
Sure, it is amazing being a magical unicorn, but all his life feels like sometimes is running through a fantastic wonderland, eating fairies, carried by the power of rainbows.
Jared has dreams too! Dreams and hopes that don't involve smashing stars with his magical horn.
He sighs. There has to be more to the world than this.
"What the hell is your problem?" he hears.
Jared looks down to see a magnificent, sparkling dolphin.
"Does life ever seem meaningless to you?" Jared asks.
"No," says the dolphin. "But rainbows don't shoot out of my ass. That kind of helps. That's gotta be emasculating."
"But don't you think there's more to life?" Jared asks. A star explodes in front of him.
"Did you just blow up a giant star with your brain?"
"With my horn," Jared says, feeling kind of proud.
"Well, you've got that going for you," says the dolphin.
Jared feels, surprisingly, a lot better.
*
The next day, the dolphin is back.
"So what do you do?" Jared asks.
"I'm a dolphin," says the dolphin, like Jared is dumb. "I jump and sparkle and frolic through the waves."
"I thought I was the emasculated one."
"Shut up."
*
"So," he says, after a week of chatting with the dolphin, "I'm Jared."
"Jensen," says the dolphin. "Do you ever stop jumping?"
"Sometimes I take a break and glide."
"Oh, sorry, that's so much better."
*
Jared realizes, slowly, that his life is getting more complete, like there's more to it than just running.
It's another week before he figures out that he's looking forward to seeing Jensen every day.
"Do you have a family?" Jared asks.
"No, I just spontaneously popped into existence," says Jensen. Jensen is really sarcastic.
"I did," says Jared quietly. "I'm a robot. I was made to just--do this."
There's a pause. "That's kind of grim, man."
Jared blows up another star. "But that's totally badass."
"True."
*
"So this is you having an existential crisis, right?" asks Jensen. "That's why you're asking me all this stuff."
"Um," says Jared. "I guess. I just--feel like there should be more to life than jumping and farting rainbows."
Jensen snorts. "Like what?"
"What else do you do?" Jared asks.
"I don't fart rainbows, to start with."
"So your life should already be more empty than mine."
"You would think."
*
"Are you water-proof?" Jensen asks one day.
"I don't know," says Jared. "I've never been in the water."
"Well," says Jensen, "if you ever wanted to try it."
Jared's chest flutters like he ate and thousand fairies. "Oh."
"Just, you know. Something different."
*
Jared's entire life, he's tried not to fall, to keep jumping from land mass to land mass, mindless, as if some time, things will make sense.
But nothing ever changes, nothing gets better, or worse. Nothing is different.
He takes a deep breath and lets himself fall.
"Jesus," says Jensen. Jared has actually managed to land on top of him. "Warn a guy, shit."
"You know, I'm not seeing how this is that different from being above ground," says Jared. "Except I'm on top of you."
"We could have sex," Jensen points out. "That's totally fulfilling."
"Oh," says Jared. "Yeah, we could do that."
"It better be on a rainbow. If I'm gonna have sex with a unicorn, I want to at least do it on a rainbow."
Jared considers. "That can be arranged."
*
"I brought you a fairy," says Jared, three days later.
"Oh good," says Jensen. "Nothing says awesome and manly love like a rainbow fairy."
"I can't believe you're what gives meaning to my life."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Sucks for you."
"Do you want the fairy or not?" asks Jared. He's used to Jensen's general anger by now. He kind of likes it. It's a nice change from all the harmony.
"Yes, fine," says Jensen. "I love everything you give me, honey."
"You damn well better."
No, there is no reason for it to exist. And yet it does. MYSTERY.
AND LIVE IN HARMONY HARMONY!!
G, no warnings. Unless unicorns are a warning. Which they should not be.
Sometimes, Jared feels unfulfilled.
Sure, it is amazing being a magical unicorn, but all his life feels like sometimes is running through a fantastic wonderland, eating fairies, carried by the power of rainbows.
Jared has dreams too! Dreams and hopes that don't involve smashing stars with his magical horn.
He sighs. There has to be more to the world than this.
"What the hell is your problem?" he hears.
Jared looks down to see a magnificent, sparkling dolphin.
"Does life ever seem meaningless to you?" Jared asks.
"No," says the dolphin. "But rainbows don't shoot out of my ass. That kind of helps. That's gotta be emasculating."
"But don't you think there's more to life?" Jared asks. A star explodes in front of him.
"Did you just blow up a giant star with your brain?"
"With my horn," Jared says, feeling kind of proud.
"Well, you've got that going for you," says the dolphin.
Jared feels, surprisingly, a lot better.
*
The next day, the dolphin is back.
"So what do you do?" Jared asks.
"I'm a dolphin," says the dolphin, like Jared is dumb. "I jump and sparkle and frolic through the waves."
"I thought I was the emasculated one."
"Shut up."
*
"So," he says, after a week of chatting with the dolphin, "I'm Jared."
"Jensen," says the dolphin. "Do you ever stop jumping?"
"Sometimes I take a break and glide."
"Oh, sorry, that's so much better."
*
Jared realizes, slowly, that his life is getting more complete, like there's more to it than just running.
It's another week before he figures out that he's looking forward to seeing Jensen every day.
"Do you have a family?" Jared asks.
"No, I just spontaneously popped into existence," says Jensen. Jensen is really sarcastic.
"I did," says Jared quietly. "I'm a robot. I was made to just--do this."
There's a pause. "That's kind of grim, man."
Jared blows up another star. "But that's totally badass."
"True."
*
"So this is you having an existential crisis, right?" asks Jensen. "That's why you're asking me all this stuff."
"Um," says Jared. "I guess. I just--feel like there should be more to life than jumping and farting rainbows."
Jensen snorts. "Like what?"
"What else do you do?" Jared asks.
"I don't fart rainbows, to start with."
"So your life should already be more empty than mine."
"You would think."
*
"Are you water-proof?" Jensen asks one day.
"I don't know," says Jared. "I've never been in the water."
"Well," says Jensen, "if you ever wanted to try it."
Jared's chest flutters like he ate and thousand fairies. "Oh."
"Just, you know. Something different."
*
Jared's entire life, he's tried not to fall, to keep jumping from land mass to land mass, mindless, as if some time, things will make sense.
But nothing ever changes, nothing gets better, or worse. Nothing is different.
He takes a deep breath and lets himself fall.
"Jesus," says Jensen. Jared has actually managed to land on top of him. "Warn a guy, shit."
"You know, I'm not seeing how this is that different from being above ground," says Jared. "Except I'm on top of you."
"We could have sex," Jensen points out. "That's totally fulfilling."
"Oh," says Jared. "Yeah, we could do that."
"It better be on a rainbow. If I'm gonna have sex with a unicorn, I want to at least do it on a rainbow."
Jared considers. "That can be arranged."
*
"I brought you a fairy," says Jared, three days later.
"Oh good," says Jensen. "Nothing says awesome and manly love like a rainbow fairy."
"I can't believe you're what gives meaning to my life."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Sucks for you."
"Do you want the fairy or not?" asks Jared. He's used to Jensen's general anger by now. He kind of likes it. It's a nice change from all the harmony.
"Yes, fine," says Jensen. "I love everything you give me, honey."
"You damn well better."